Work Text:
Noli was fully willing to admit that he was panicking. What else was he supposed to do?? 007n7 had just told him he was quitting hacking! Full-stop, cold turkey, biting the bullet or whatever. The notion terrified him.
Their relationship had been built on exploiting, was still being built upon it. Do you have any idea how many of their presents to each other had been smouldering ruins fashioned into love notes? Noli was planning to turn Roblox HQ into a Cupid statue for Valentine’s Day!
And 007n7 was quitting. What else could Noli have assumed other than that 007n7 intended to leave him? Noli panicked. He panicked and blurted out the first thing he could think of to get 007n7 to stay just a little longer.
“I’m pregnant.”
.
.
.
“I’m pregnant,” Noli continued, trying to snap 007n7 out of his catatonic state, “and it’s yours.”
***
It was scarily easy to fake being pregnant. Not only were basic illusions more than sufficient in public, manipulating 007n7’s senses was child’s play now that he’d given up exploiting completely. He hadn’t asked Noli to do the same, but they’d both agreed to stay under the radar for their child.
Honestly, a domestic life wasn’t that bad. These last nine months had been so sweet it could make a confectioner weep. 007n7 loved him, really loved him. He’d never intended to leave Noli behind.
That was why Noli was very quickly realizing that pretending be pregnant hadn’t been necessary in the first place. He’d passed off his increasing anxiety as worry over the baby in his final trimester, and 007n7 had thankfully bought it. Still didnt change the fact he was in his final trimester and not pregnant! He even prayed for the first time ever, that’s how anxious he was.
‘Whichever one of you is real I swear I’ll sacrifice a goat or something to you if you get me a baby right now’
Noli wasn’t actually expecting anything, it was just something to try and calm his nerves from the fact he was supposed to be due any moment now.
Except, right as he was unclasping his hands, the doorbell rang.
There was no reason for someone to be at the door of an unassuming suburban home at ass’o’clock at night. There was no reason for them to make a mad dash down the street before Noli had even opened the door, illusion in place just in case.
There was…
‘Fuck, now I need a goat’
***
And then C00lkidd grew up very happy and very loved and nothing bad happened and I mean it this time. The end!