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In the six months they’ve spent apart, Kodya has dreamed about finding Gyrus a lot.
In most of his dreams, Gyrus needs him desperately. Needs his help. Needs his support. Needs his magic.
Because what else is new.
He almost always dies. Dies with blood and shadow. Still asking Kodya for help. Asking him for everything.
Kodya's absolutely sure he doesn't have anything else to give. Gyrus doesn’t love him. Gyrus just needs him. Because Kodya’s the only one stupid enough to follow him to hell and back.
He pushes against the fog around him uselessly. The fog that keeps showing him those dreams again - the blood and shadow everywhere. The dull purple eyes that stare through him.
The face of someone who never loved him.
He yells in frustration but doesn’t hear his own voice. Tries to lash out. Tries to move. But it’s like he’s stuck in place – like his boots, if they’re touching ground at all, aren’t touching anything real. Like there’s nothing to push against so there’s no way to move.
He can’t see anything.
Don’t you miss me?
And there’s Gyrus, dancing in the smoke. Like he’s part of it or maybe just out of reach. Come on, kid. Smile wide but eyes dark. Truth covered. Don’t you want to be with me? Reaches out a hand to Kodya that makes him want to throw up or hit something or maybe kill a thousand monsters. That makes him miss the battlefield and the pure joy of knowing it was kill or be killed.
Kodya croaks into silence with a voice that doesn’t speak, You lied to me.
The Gyrus copy freezes. Eyes flickering.
Then he’s gone, like a wisp of smoke.
What else is new.
Kodya yells, I lived that for years. You’ll have to try harder.
Imagines he hears the echo of the dark king’s laughter in his mind, but it’s probably nothing. Probably just static.
And then it’s Gyrus, sword covered in blood. Bleeding out. Blood everywhere. He still looks beautiful even when he’s bleeding out. On his hands and knees now, looking up at Kodya with eyes too vicious to be dying. You know what I am.
Kodya shouts in that voice that doesn’t echo, doesn’t break the silence, A traitor. A murderer. Leave me alone! Love turned bitter and dark, just like Gyrus. All his care and concern turned into fury and a desire to hurt.
And because of the desire to hurt, a desire to just be away.
And Gyrus dissolves into mist, into dark tendrils, as the voice laughs in his mind. Is that really what you want?
And Kodya scowls. Shoves at it, not that it does anything. He’s not in a good position – without a body to fight, he’s shit out of luck. Has to just wait until there’s something to hit or paralyze. But these puzzles are usually meant to be emotionally damaging, not deadly. So he just has to wait.
He’s never been known for his patience.
He yells, Fuck off! You never loved me.
And then through the mist comes Gyrus again. Hello?
And that sounds weird. Sounds off. Nervous. Twitchy. In a way the other visions didn’t. But Kodya’s tired and he’s over being haunted. So he yells, You’re going to have to try better than that. I can tell it’s not him!
But the voice is silent.
And green light splinters the cloud. Throws it into high relief. The tendrils on Kodya’s legs shriek and retreat.
It’s Gyrus, but it’s just another trick. Just another hallucination. Kodya’s been hallucinating a lot lately. All his dreams are nightmares. Well. Almost all of them.
This is a trick, but it feels so real.
The bags under Gyrus’ eyes are worse and he doesn’t know how an illusion would know to do that. The other Gyrus copies were… idealized. This is… worse.
It makes it feel more real, even though he knows it isn’t.
He’s bleeding everywhere and his hair is falling out of his ponytail. Kodya clenches his fists and yells, “Is that the best you’ve got?” And it comes out loud, not silent at all, and the Gyrus copy flinches, tears in the corners of his eyes.
“Kodya?”
Kodya scowls and lunges forward and it takes about a second too long for the copy to duck, which is just long enough for Kodya to barely miss his paralyze spell.
And then Kodya’s frozen, green light pinning him in place, and… he doesn’t know how a copy could duplicate that, the exact twist of Gyrus’ wrist when he uses a restraint, the exact pulse and feel of green energy, but it’s clearly pulling from his memories, so anything is possible.
The copy says, “What are you doing here?” Sounds like he's trying not to cry.
And it’s loud in the silence that’s real when before, everything was silence. Everything is still dark but now Kodya sees stone walls instead of shadow.
He’s got a very bad feeling. Or maybe a wonderful feeling.
Something tainted with rage and betrayal either way.
He doesn’t say anything.
Gyrus says, “Um.” And Kodya looks up, because the restraint doesn’t prevent that. And he’s crying.
It’s realistic, too realistic, and Kodya growls, “Let me go.”
And Gyrus flinches like he’s been burned, like that time the vampire queen got him from behind, and it’s the final confirmation he needs that it’s real because the energy lets him go.
Gyrus stares at him. Clearly miserable. Clearly alone.
Kodya’s tired of being the person he needs for his magic and his errands. Tired of being the person he needs but doesn’t love.
Or at least, doesn’t love enough.
“Are you real?”
And Gyrus gives him a weak smile. “Million star question, isn’t it?”
Sad and pathetic. Kodya grunts irritably.
Gyrus hovers toward him like he wants to touch him. “You’re alone.”
Kodya snaps, “So are you.” Alone. Kodya’s been alone since Gyrus left, really. It’s easier than being around the others. No one to pity him or judge him or stare at him.
He's still not convinced this is real. Not convinced he's not just trapped in one of his nightmares.
Gyrus looks stressed. It’s making Kodya want to comfort him, which is just pissing him off. That’s not his job anymore. “Where are the others?”
“None of your business.” Not anymore.
And Gyrus flinches and says anxiously, “Are they okay?”
And Kodya stares at him. Reads, I miss them and I miss you and I’ve been so worried and I’m not sleeping, I’m staying up worrying and I want you so badly but I’m trying to hide it because I think you don’t want to hear it. A wave of emotion all heading right for him.
He hopes he's hallucinating now. He might still be. He’s not sure this is real.
To check, he turns and punches a wall. Hears it echo in the silence, his calluses bleeding.
“Kodya!”
And there are hands on his shoulders, flitting and terrified but more terrified of not helping and Kodya grits out, “You don’t even know what you feel, how am I supposed to figure it out?”
Doesn’t even have to look at him to know there’s hope where before there was despair. Because Gyrus always needs him. Because his fingers are tighter on Kodya’s shoulders. Desperation. He’s sorry. Kodya can feel it.
And Kodya snaps, “Sorry for killing Hinju? Or sorry for letting the shadows win?”
And he gets a memory of Hinju, definitely not dead. On some kind of… ship.
Feels another wave of self-hatred and despair. Of desperately clutching to hope with both hands.
He shoves back rage. Rage and betrayal and frustration and isolation.
Like the dark king’s castle wasn’t any different from how he feels all the time.
He’s crying. Hands flat against the wall. Gyrus’ hands haven’t left his shoulders, but he’s pressed against Kodya’s back. He’s not sure Gyrus did it consciously. Feels a pulse of relief and a pleading and a desperation.
And something he always thought was love but surely isn’t. It's everywhere. Demanding to be felt. Pulsing through every breath and every thought. He's getting bleed-through on what seem like old memories - Gyrus sleeping alone. Gyrus crying himself awake at night. Gyrus opening portals to their room to stare at him while he sleeps.
Can’t be love.
Couldn’t be.
Kodya reaches out with his magic and yanks on the emotion. Gyrus grunts in pain and Kodya pulls it closer to examine it. Rougher than he usually is. More forceful.
There’s panic. Desperation. Loneliness. A deep, jagged sense of loss.
A determination to suffer quietly. To push it away. To move forward instead of back.
But… it is love. He doesn’t know what else it could be. What else it could ever have been.
It’s love, but it’s so broken.
They’re so broken.
And Kodya makes a decision.
He was always going to make the decision.
But all of a sudden, he wants it all out in the open. All the blood and the shadows.
Shoves all his nightmares through the connection like his own tsunami of pain. Like you hurt me so badly and I don't even know who you are and how could you do this to me?
All the times he dreamed about finding Gyrus and dreamed about Gyrus dying. All the times he dreamed about losing him all over again.
All his rage and frustration and betrayal. All his loss.
The bed that doesn’t smell like Gyrus at all anymore. The pitying looks he still gets in the hallway. That he still hasn’t thrown out Gyrus’ toothbrush.
Gyrus takes it all and breathes it in and Kodya gets all that pain back, filtered through… broken, scattered love. Love that hurts in a way love never should.
And…
Kodya hesitates. He knows Gyrus can feel it. Hasn’t moved, like he’s afraid Kodya will run away. Like he’s been sitting in the shadows for months and he’s finally found the sun.
Kodya pushes… regret. For not choosing differently. For letting Gyrus go without him.
And he feels hope so sharp it hurts.
Says roughly, “We’re broken. You understand that?”
And Gyrus twitches against his shoulder. Like he’s been stabbed. Like he’s bleeding out, but worse, because they bleed out all the time. “I’m sorry.” And it’s so broken and cut-up and he’s crying. Barely breathing. Trying so hard to still it so Kodya can’t feel it. But he can. He always can.
Kodya pulls on the love again. Gyrus gasps in pain, fingers clenching on him.
“Can you say something?”
And it sounds angry because Kodya is and Gyrus jumps and says, “I – Anything I s-say would just make it w-worse.”
Kodya pulls on the love again and says, “Tell me.”
And Gyrus tells his shoulder, “I love you.” It sounds like it hurts to say it but it’s also a relief. Kodya can feel that it’s out there relief ricocheting between them.
Kodya feels his heart seize.
He’s surprised that that’s all it takes. That there’s not more he needs.
Says quietly, “I want –”
And Gyrus flinches against him.
“The whole story.”
And Gyrus freezes.
“No more lies. No more hiding. All of it.” And he pulls on it again. “This isn’t enough. You understand that?”
And Gyrus whispers, “I don’t know how.” Broken. Hurt. Torn open, just like he has been every night in Kodya’s dreams. In Kodya’s nightmares.
And Kodya follows the string back to Gyrus’ heart. Pulls on it and the message is clear. Let me in.
Gyrus hesitates, and Kodya feels that hope plummet. Drop into his stomach and turn back into rage. Into despair. Into a desire to be alone. Into that wall he’s been slowly building to protect himself. But before he can pull back, Gyrus says, “It’s not – safe. To go back. If you know.”
“Go back?”
“To… the room.”
And Kodya hears a dull ringing in his ears. I never told Nephthys goodbye.
And Gyrus whispers, “I’m sorry.”
And Kodya shakes his head. It doesn’t matter.
In truth, it’s never mattered.
His heart’s been in control for a very long time, even if it’s stupid. He’ll mourn the life he wanted later. But for now…
He can’t let go of this. Not when it’s everything he’s wanted for years. Not when it’s everything he’s hoped for.
Kodya was never really going to let him go anyway.
So he says, “Tell me everything.”
And Gyrus, for the first time in their lives...
Lets him in.