Chapter Text
0.
Love and Death.
We humans live to love, to be loved, to give love, and in the end, to drown in it. Round and round, the root of everything within us stems from that single word: love.
By nature, Rin should lie beneath Sae, holding him with his filthy, blood-soaked body. They share the same blood, and because of that, Rin thinks, they will never reach heaven.
The one who tore apart the net of prohibitions, who defied morality and forced his way to seize the forbidden fruit that Eden never permitted, was him. Rin is the venomous serpent tempting Sae. If God exists, surely He would never forgive two blasphemers who defiled His name in the eternal paradise. And yet, though His mercy may be infinite, no one can absolve them of their sin.
When the accident struck, only one thought echoed in Rin’s mind before he lost consciousness:
“God has punished us.”
1.
The world was truly bleak.
Why did all children love superheroes who protected the earth? Was peace really that joyful, or were they only enjoying the false sense of justice when everyone cheered for them?
"Our child is really strange."
"Should we take him to a psychologist?"
Rin raised his head, overhearing his parents talking to each other. Even though he was still little, a faint unease throbbed inside him. He didn’t know where his parents were saying they would take him, but Rin vaguely felt he would have to be separated from his older brother.
Rin could endure anything, except that his older brother must belong only to him.
His older brother was his older brother.
His flesh and blood.
Rin’s very own older brother.
It was his brother who had said so.
"I will protect you."
"It’s okay, Rin, I’ll carry you home."
"Do you want ice cream?"
"Rin, you should greet me every time I leave."
From those trivial things, Rin was certain that his brother also loved him just as he loved his brother. It must be so. For his brother, he would no longer hurt himself, because his brother had loved him, so Rin should love him back.
Because they were real brothers.
His brother’s dream was his dream. He was born because his brother existed. His brother was Rin’s reason to live.
No matter who his brother was, whether bad-tempered or kind, he would forever be Rin’s older brother. That had been decided. Back then, Rin foolishly embraced that selfish love. Blood was both a bond that could never fade, and a forbidden shackle that could never be undone. Whoever violated the commandment would be punished. The form that holy love gave birth to was defiled, turned into filthy mud seeping through layers of pale skin, leaving a stain that could never be cleansed.
He stamped his feet in hell, his soul stuck in that snowy night. The ball beneath his feet was a burning meteor scorching his soul.
His brother didn’t need him.
His brother betrayed him.
O Lord, the sinner has violated the grace You granted. Corrupted to the point of no return, there is no place that would accept a blind fool. Accept it: this soul has already become an evil, filthy soul.
Rin truly hadn’t expected that one day, he would drag Sae down into the mire with him.
And then they would be burned to ashes in eternal despair.
Because they were blasphemous sinners.
2.
The traveler racing against the sun.
That was how Rin could describe his relationship with Sae. Clearly, there was a bond between them. He always saw his brother within sight, and yet the moment he reached out, Sae slipped beyond his grasp.
The golden sea and the silver sands meant nothing to him. The traveler, parched and restless, still pursued the sun hanging high above. It was forever beyond his reach. More than anyone, Rin knew that unless the sun willingly descended, he would never be able to touch that blazing jewel.
Rin swore he would embrace the sun with his own love. It was he who dragged himself down into hell, he who wished for his soul to be condemned through all eternity.
Greed always comes with a price.
The one who dares to cross the limits of the commandment will one day face the consequences.
This passion of his was too fierce; anyone could feel it.
On the field, Rin’s eyes never left Sae, so fixed that Isagi couldn’t stand it any longer and finally snapped at him:
"Stop acting like a mad dog. Calm the hell down."
Only Sae noticed nothing unusual. To him, Rin’s obstinacy was simply immaturity, just a little brother stubbornly clinging to his elder’s name.
But paper cannot cover fire. Rin’s feelings were laid bare in disgrace. That day, he ran—ran away from the podium of glory that should have shone bright, turned instead into a stain upon his career.
Rin couldn’t even remember how he survived that year. The fervent fans changed overnight. They had loved his shots, his talent. Yet only because of a love that had nothing to do with them, they all abandoned him.
It seemed as though everyone who ever received Rin’s love would eventually forsake him.
Am I truly that disgusting?
His parents didn’t love him, his brother didn’t need him, even the fans cursed him.
They said:
"A freak in love with his own brother; get the hell out."
"Don’t step on the pitch again. Can’t believe I ever liked you. You filthy gay freak."
"Stay away from my Sae. Who gave you the right to follow him? I’ve hated you from the start."
"Rin, you’ve disappointed me."
The house he bought abroad was vandalized daily, splattered with paint and eggs. They even destroyed the cameras to hide their crimes. Rin was helpless. He hid inside, starving nearly to fainting before Isagi would secretly bring him food.
The boy only came at midnight, dropping off supplies before hurrying away. Each time, Isagi would reassure him:
"Don’t worry, Ego has hired a legal team to sue that tabloid for slander against a player’s reputation."
"And don’t worry about Sae, he’s preparing the paperwork to testify for you. If you want, you can attend court, but if not, I’ll ask Ego to handle it."
Even so, Isagi never let his guard down. With things so dire, they were all scrambling constantly with the press. No one had the time to keep watch over Rin.
"I am being punished."
At last, Rin confessed:
"I’m someone who deserves to be cast aside. My wretched life only drags another life down with me. It’s right, sooner or later, everything will be exposed."
In Rin’s eyes, Isagi was the embodiment of acceptance. Recently, every night he dreamed of someone, someone who would love him, who would forgive him. He thought it was Isagi, the only one who still cared whether he lived or died.
But Isagi’s reaction was the opposite of what Rin longed for.
"I told you already—stop bothering us. Your obsession with Sae is too obvious. It’s lucky you didn’t do anything worse, or even Ego couldn’t save you."
He shouted furiously at Rin.
"Don’t turn football into your childish romance. Once this is over, play me seriously in a match. If you can’t, then stop playing altogether."
Yes, this was the real Isagi Yoichi.
The figure in Rin’s dreams never existed. That was punishment, dealt to a sinner gone astray.
Itoshi Rin was stunned. He realized he had made a mistake, one that could never be undone. He was never allowed to love his older brother, because Sae was bound to him by the same blood, something so simple that any family could uphold.
But Rin couldn’t. He was the stain on his parents’ shirt, a blot that could never be washed clean, only spreading wider.
He had been burned by the sun.
Even though he had never dared to lay a single finger upon his sun.
3.
Meeting Itoshi Sae in such an awkward situation was never Rin’s intention; at least, not while he was vomiting up food. After so long without eating, his face had grown pale. Rin didn’t dare look at himself in the mirror. Even though Isagi brought him meals, he only forced down a few bites here and there to stave off hunger.
His stomach twisted in agony. These days he didn’t dare set foot outside, let alone go to a hospital and wait in line, just being spared from being beaten was already a blessing. Rin forced down spoonfuls of rice, nausea now a habit etched into his body.
But this time, something was different. After only five or six bites, he threw up immediately. To his shock, he found grains of sand mixed into the rice.
“Those fucking anti-fans.”
There was no way Isagi Yoichi could have done this. It had to be carelessness, or else someone had used him to get at Rin.
And in that brief moment, Sae walked calmly into his house. The password had been given to him by Isagi beforehand—though it was easy enough to guess, Sae’s own birthday. Even he hadn’t expected to find Rin doubled over, vomiting across the floor. Before Rin could regain himself, Sae hauled him up, shouting furiously:
“Why didn’t you go to the hospital?”
After a pause, Sae continued, his anger only growing:
“If you didn’t want to see me, you could’ve at least told Isagi.”
Rin’s head lolled to one side, and once again he remembered the figure from his dreams—the one who embraced him, who loved even the twisted, despicable feelings he carried.
He shoved the thought away, laughing bitterly. His hand was still strong enough to push Sae aside with force.
“Get out. Don’t come into my house.”
Don’t act as if you love me too. My love for you is not the same. You’ll look at me with disgust. You’ll curse me, tell me I never focus on football, that I only trail after you halfheartedly. Of course you’ll trample over my stupidity, for letting the press spin endless rumors that tainted the image of the whole team.
Rin lowered his eyelids, unable to meet Sae’s eyes. He was guilty; though not guilty of the Five Grave Offenses, still guilty of a sin no one could forgive. Because he had never repented.
He couldn’t.
Rin had never regretted loving Sae.
There is no such thing as chance, everything is necessity. Even if he were reborn a thousand times, in all thousand lives Rin would still love Sae. Because he was Itoshi Rin: stubborn, relentless, chasing the love that was his alone, once his and his alone.
Above all, Itoshi Sae was Itoshi Sae.
He could never be anyone else, no one could replace the elder brother. Even if Sae cast those memories aside, it didn’t matter. Rin would carry them all alone. A child using his childhood to mend the void inside him—that was Itoshi Rin, the one who loved in despair.
The traveler never once bowed to look at his own bleeding feet. His mission was to seek the sun, to find shelter enough to cling to a sliver of its radiant light.
Even Rin once thought it hopeless.
But he had never dared to dream of this.
The sun had answered him.
Sae pressed his hand against Rin’s forehead, cleaned the filth Rin had vomited, said nothing further, and ignored Rin’s demand that he leave. Instead, Sae held out his hand.
“Will you come outside with me?”
He gave no explanation, but Rin understood. Sae wanted him to face everything together with him. Rin’s first reaction was to recoil, to turn away from the gaze fixed on him.
Ah, so this was not punishment for a faithless sinner.
It was a reward, granted to one who knew no repentance.
Rin’s hand touched Sae’s. When they were children, his brother always reached out for him to hold. How many years had it been since then? Five, ten? Rin couldn’t remember. Hesitant, he timidly hooked a finger around Sae’s pinky.
The wandering traveler had finally returned to the place he began.
4.
They had kept a vague, ambiguous relationship for more than two years. From bickering brothers, Rin and Sae increasingly resembled a pair of lovers sulking with each other. The rest of Blue Lock wiped sweat from their foreheads, inwardly groaning. If they had a cold war, that was fine, but it disrupted the team’s progress.
Only Isagi couldn’t stand it, pulling Sae aside to remind him:
“When are you going to confess to Rin?”
“I can’t. We’re brothers.”
For a moment, Isagi’s mind went blank. Who hugs their younger brother, kisses their younger brother, who, it seemed, even sleeps with their younger brother? That night Rin had been drunk, Sae drove him home, and the next morning Rin skipped practice. Only the blind wouldn’t know they had slept together. Their relationship lacked nothing but a title, calling them brothers was a farce.
Isagi’s mouth hung open. He stared at Sae in disbelief.
“Are you a trap boy?”
“What’s a trap boy?”
“Bastards who toy with other people’s feelings.”
This time Sae’s irritation showed; he barked roughly:
“I didn’t do anything.”
“That’s exactly why you’re the bastard.”
Never afraid of confrontation, Isagi pointed directly at him and snapped back:
“You know it yourself. If you don’t like Rin, then let him go. Don’t toy with your younger brother’s feelings. I don’t care about incest, but I despise anyone who sexually exploits their own family.”
Not done scolding, Isagi added:
“Don’t use someone else’s love just to satisfy yourself.”
Rooted to the spot, Sae stared at Isagi coldly. Only after a long silence did he release a single sentence:
“I understand.”
He abruptly ran into the room, startling Rin. The younger tilted his head and asked:
“What’s wrong?”
“Want to go watch a movie?”
Sae always unconsciously avoided Rin, and with one glance Rin could tell his brother was hiding something. But he had never refused any of Sae’s invitations.
“Let’s go.”
He didn’t need distant hopes. Rin thought that if their relationship stayed here, it was enough. Because they were sinners, just having Sae now already fulfilled him, he didn’t dare to wish for more. Sae had saved him; thanks to Sae, he had been liberated.
But once the sun leaves its position, the orbits of the planets shift into disarray. Because of the selfish wish of a wandering traveler, the sun had answered, and the consequences were immeasurable.
Judgment would come, and souls that knew no repentance could only be cast into hell, forever and ever, never to escape.
“God has punished them.”
Sae had never saved him.
It was Rin who had dragged Sae down into the mire, who had soiled his brother’s soul.
So it turned out everything had always been inevitable.
The sound of ambulance sirens rang in his ears. His vision grew dim, and Rin heard Sae screaming. Strange, he wasn’t calm as usual, but kept crying, begging Rin over and over.
“Rin, I ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛.”
“Hold o—.”
The windshield shattered. Rin tried to stay conscious but couldn’t. He wanted to tell Sae not to worry, but no part of his body would move. It was as if his nerves had shut down, his sight slowly consumed by darkness.
Those who sin must atone.
The repentant will be shown mercy. The stubborn, unyielding ones will be cast down into hell, with no place of refuge.
They were sinners.
5.
Rin dreamed again.
The figure in his dream embraced him, somehow producing an ice cream bar and handing it to him. Rin deftly split the cheap ice cream in half, sitting in a corner nibbling at it. Suddenly, the figure said to him:
“Do you want to make a bet with me?”
“A bet on whose ice cream wins a prize.”
The figure in the dream spoke nonchalantly. He gently stroked Rin’s long lashes, smiling softly:
“If you win, you’ll wake up. But if you lose, you’ll have to stay here with me.”
A ridiculous game.
For some reason, Rin deliberately ate slowly, very slowly. When they were kids, his brother had never once beaten him, and Rin always seemed to win a prize. Yet an indistinct unease stirred within him. The ice cream bar went soft, melting down onto his clothes.
“You need to be careful.”
The figure in the dream smoothly produced a handkerchief and wiped Rin’s shirt. He also caught sight of the number 1 at the end of Rin’s stick.
“I’ve never been able to beat you, huh? You really are a lucky brat.”
He wasn’t the least bit resentful, just laughed, ruffling Rin’s messy hair. Rin grabbed his wrist tightly, refusing to let him leave. He knew now who this was.
“Sae, why are you here?”
Even without seeing the dream figure’s face, Rin was certain it was his brother. Startled, his grip tightened even more.
“I won’t leave you here. I don’t need the prize.”
The other patiently pried Rin’s fingers away, pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, and calmly explained:
“I’m not someone who breaks promises. You’ve won. I’ll take you away.”
“And what about you?”
By now Rin’s voice was trembling. He didn’t need anyone else, only his brother. Just him. How could Sae abandon him here?
The figure said nothing, only waved goodbye. Though his face was hidden, Rin still saw the motion of his lips.
“Farewell.”
Rin’s form vanished, leaving the other behind, alone. Yet he wasn’t sad, in fact, he sat cheerfully in Rin’s place, picking up the leftover ice cream. At last, the words on the stick appeared.
“Try your luck once more.”
The ice cream bar in his hand was the real winning one. He stared at the stick for a long time before forcing out a smile.
“I won, Rin."
“Why hasn’t my younger brother woken up yet?”
The sound of labored breaths and a worried voice reached Rin’s ears, achingly familiar. He instantly knew, it was Sae. Of course Sae would never abandon him.
“Family member, please remain calm. The patient has suffered a severe concussion and will need time to recover.”
“B…ro…ther?”
The broken, frail syllables froze Sae where he stood. He hurried to Rin’s bedside, watching his brother’s hand twitch slightly. Though Rin’s eyes stayed closed, Sae instinctively stepped back to let the nurses examine him.
“He’s stable for now. In about two to three days he should fully regain consciousness. We’ll still need to take an X-ray for further checks.”
“I understand. Thank you.”
…But something felt off. Was it an illusion? Rin remembered clearly, his brother had always been mischievous, and though the voice was the same, this man didn’t quite feel like his brother. Was it truly him? Rin couldn’t tell for sure.
His brother had always held his hand to comfort him. Why not now? Strange. He remembered it clearly, his brother always did.
Rin struggled to open his eyes, and he saw the man standing by his bed. That face was his brother’s. He could never mistake those turquoise eyes, those lashes, everything was flawless, unmistakably his brother.
But… who was this man?
Where was Sae?
Sae would never be this cold. Rin knew his brother was a good man, the best man in the world. But this one? This one was a shameless imposter.
“Whe…re…is…bro…ther?”
“Y…ou…ar…en’t…S…a…e.”
“G…et…ou…t…”
He who dares to eat the forbidden fruit must be punished.
Heaven does not forgive, it casts them down into Hell.
Turning the earth into a blazing inferno.
It seethes and consumes them both, sinners who can never escape.
The path he walks is the road to Hell.
And Hell is here, upon the earth.