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It was one of those days again.
Life is full of ups and downs, that’s just the way it is. No one’s life can be just one or the other and nothing else. The ups could last a really long time and life was so good then. Life was so good in general.
But the downs always came at some point, no matter what. Sometimes they were not so bad and lasted only for a short while. Sometimes the down dragged the mood to the ground level and below. Those days were very dark. It didn’t really need anything particular for that to happen, the brain worked mysteriously sometimes. Well, most of the time really.
Today it was one of those days. Richard had learned to deal with his mood swings the better, the older he got. He had learned it the hard way. That it was best to be just by himself, when he was feeling like this to avoid conflicts with other people. It was so unnecessary to have stupid fights with others, especially if and when the other person hadn’t done anything wrong.
When he was younger, he didn’t care if he dragged others down with him, when he was feeling bad. He could even chase the conflict to get it out of his system the more explosive way. That wasn’t good for anyone, it just made things so much worse every time. Richard knew that of course, but he couldn’t help himself back then.
Older people are usually better at choosing their fights, and Richard had learned that too eventually. He could be very persistent, if the topic was important to him. Like certain aspects of making music, and definitely when he needed to defend his loved ones. With music he was more able to make compromises now too, he had other outlets for his creativity besides his main band. He didn’t need to push everything forward anymore.
Richard had also noticed that the older he got, the more the differences in daylight throughout the year affected him. In general he was feeling more likely worse during the dark winter time even though he liked the coziness of dark evenings and nights. That was usually good for his creativity.
Of course the difference wasn’t as prominent in Berlin as it was in the areas way up north, where the difference between the longest and the shortest day was really significant. Richard didn’t understand, how people survived, when the sun was setting already in the early afternoon. The shortest daytime where he lived was bad enough sometimes.
Now it wasn’t even mid winter, but late autumn, and Richard was sure daytime had something to do with his mood getting so low. There wasn’t anything that was actually wrong. Richard couldn’t quite put his finger to the thing that made him feel like this, and he felt bad for being in such a grumpy mood without any clear reason.
On some days his brain just started messing with him, to annoy the hell out of him just because it could, he thought.
No matter how bad he was feeling on those days, Richard could always depend on sun coming out again after a while. For real and in figuratively speaking too. The down always ended at some point, recently sooner rather than later, and Richard was so thankful for that.
It was all thanks to Paul.
Paul had been in Richard’s life for over thirty years now. More than half of his life. They had clicked together so easily right away, both professionally and also mentally. They worked together in so many different projects at first, before they ended up in the same brand new band.
Richard had his doubts about that, of course he had, them being both guitarists with strong visions and no fear to say their opinions out loud.
It had worked out well though, most of the time. Until it didn’t. Richard was having so many personal problems at the time, that it wasn’t really surprising that it affected his work and friendships too.
Because his work was his life, Richard was feeling so useless without creating something new all the time. He tried to prove his worth by creating music. More, all the time just more and more. He had such a strong artist’s soul, and the misery worked as a good fuel.
Until it didn’t and they almost fell apart, all of them.
With a lot of difficult work, conversations and understanding and also a tiny bit of luck everything started to go for the better again. They made it work, they had to. There was so much at stake, most importantly their friendships. At that point even the band was irrelevant. They didn’t want to lose their found family.
Somewhere along this long and difficult rollercoaster, Richard had realized that maybe some of the things had been caused by him subconsciously suppressing his feelings. Those feelings that filled his whole being but were in a way so scary.
Those other kind of feelings he had towards Paul.
Richard had realized he had basically fallen for Paul immediately, he just hadn’t ever seen romance really as an option. It wasn’t because he thought it was something wrong as such. He had always been open-minded and experimentative even though he had mostly been with women.
Paul felt special somehow. Richard didn’t dare to voice his thoughts out loud for a long time, even after he realized what everything was about for him. He didn’t want to destroy everything they had. Their friendship and the band. Those tiny moments he shared with Paul.
Because Richard surely didn’t think the feelings could be mutual. He had gotten closer to Paul again, everyone had seen that. If someone suspected there was something more behind it, they didn’t say it to him.
The tiny tender moments during the shows, playing guitar close together were so special to Richard. Especially ’Ohne dich’ had gotten a brand new meaning for him. Playing that song close to Paul, either back to back, shoulder to shoulder or his favourite, forehead to forehead. That made everything feel so intimate even though there were thousands of people watching.
Richard yearned to have a proper romantic relationship with Paul. He had even started to wonder, if Paul was his soulmate and that was why all his other relationships had ended. Richard didn’t blame Paul for that, of course not. It was all his own fault. But still Richard didn’t have enough courage to say anything in the fear of destroying what they had now.
//////
Years went by and then it was time for their biggest tour ever, the stadium tour. It felt so overwhelming to achieve something so spectacular, that dream Richard had had since early childhood. They really made it, so many sold-out stadiums. Just for them.
When that tour had just started, someone voiced out loud that they should make a little act of support with rainbow flags. And maybe something else too. Richard didn’t remember anymore, who had suggested that he and Paul could kiss at the end of the Ausländer outro they played together. The brand new song from their newest album. Perfect moment in the spotlight. It most definitely wasn’t either of them, but they had agreed to it. No problem, they had shared some sort-of kisses before, it wasn’t a big deal.
Except that for Richard it was a big deal. It was something he had hoped to happen for such a long time. He knew it was just for the show, but he embraced the moment gladly. It was something more he could share with Paul even if it was just a few times.
The kiss was a success in many ways, mostly media-wise. And that one kiss became eventually a few more. Personally for Richard it was so special too, since now he knew just how wonderful Paul’s lips felt against his. Something to spice up and sweeten his daydreaming.
Richard felt butterflies in his stomach, something he didn’t think was even possible at his age anymore. It seemed that when the person was right, the butterflies didn’t care if he was over fifty years old or not.
He still had downs every now and then with his mood. They were quite heavy especially after tours, recording sessions and video shoots. When Richard didn’t have a daily contact with his band friends anymore, with Paul.
After the stadium tour the down was so bad, Richard even thought about quitting making music and playing guitar altogether, for good. He felt so empty and dark for months this time. Nothing mattered to him anymore.
In the end, it was Paul who got Richard up again. Back to the light and life. First just persistently showing up to his door even though Richard had shut down his phone and didn’t answer to any contact attempts from anyone. But bit by bit Richard saw the light again, he started to feel better again. Paul was there for him the whole time, sometimes just quietly sitting with him.
After a while Richard realized he couldn’t just leave music altogether. It was his life. He didn’t have such a heavy urge to prove his worth by creating anymore, but instead he just needed to get things out of him. Richard just simply had this symbiotic relationship with music, either could be without the other. He had to get the music out. He deserved it, music deserved it.
Paul was actually the first one, who had voiced that fact out at some point. He had said it as simply as it was windy that day. It was just a fact, nothing to be able to escape or change. Richard appreciated that view so much. Everything started to feel easier again. Breathing, existing. Enjoying little things.
//////
Then the forced years of not-touring happened. But it was good for their creativity, because they needed to do something, and a brand new album happened as a result.
For the first time in a very long while, Richard and Paul talked and talked. They talked so much about everything, not just music but also more personal things. Their visions, their reasoning behind their opinions. They wanted the other one to understand everyhing to avoid further misunderstandings. That they’d had enough for a lifetime.
They got a connection they hadn’t ever before had. It was so powerful, something Richard hadn’t ever dreamt of, because he had thought it wasn’t possible anymore. It felt so good, everyone around them acknowledged that too even though many times the others got tired of the constant talking of the two and went somewhere else for a moment.
Together the two guitarists were such a powerful creative force, they started to work as if sharing one mind again. Almost telepathically. It was a wonder considering, that they still had such a different technical points of view to guitar playing. They complemented each other this time around the best ever.
But even now they didn’t tell each other everything. Richard still didn’t dare to confess his feelings to Paul. Those deep loving ones. Richard had achieved so much, he was not going to take a risk of destroying it all. Everything was good and valuable as it was.
//////
Eventually their touring started again where it had left before. All of them felt so alive. Performing together again in front of an audience felt so wonderful. They were happy and excited.
Someone had wondered, whether they should keep their performance routines as they had been, including the occasional kissing at the end of Ausländer. They had agreed on it again, because Richard and Paul had such a special connection now. They sought contact with each other in other places too, singing or playing close together on many occasions. And after a while, they shared kisses at almost every show, sometimes multiple.
For Richard that was almost like a dream come true. Well, it was a dream come true really. All that wonderful closeness and connection with Paul. Of course it was still just for the show, Richard knew that. Sometimes he felt a little bad about it, because he feared that Paul wouldn’t want to continue that if he knew, how Richard really felt for him.
Towards the end of the Europe leg of the tour, Richard had let himself start to wonder, what if… What if Paul had feelings for him too? Paul seemed to look and smile at Richard so lovingly, there had to be something behind it, right? Richard knew well enough though that in the eyes of person in love, he couldn’t possibly see things clearly himself. He still didn’t believe the feelings could ever be mutual, no matter how much he hoped that. But it did seem that Paul looked and smiled at him differently than at the other four.
After few weeks of holidays, they headed overseas and it was such a change of routines for them there. Everything felt even more different than touring life in general.
It also seemed, they started to be bolder with their kisses. Paul had surprised Richard every now and then with something different. For example not wanting to let the kiss end but grabbing him tighter to a new kiss. Or what had that one kiss really been with a slightly open mouth? Richard was very startled about all of this, but he embraced this ’more’ with every part of his being. He fell even more in love with Paul, if that was even possible.
And soon the tour was about to end again. Richard felt the down creeping up on him little by little. He knew they had a new tour coming up again next year and that was a wonderful thing. But the thought of not seeing Paul daily for months in between felt devastating for Richard.
Richard tried not to let this shift in his mood show to the others, especially Paul. But of course they all knew him too well and saw that something was wrong. Paul kept checking up on him all the time even more than usual. Richard didn’t want to tell the truth in all its rawness, but just told all of them that he was sad the tour was ending soon, nothing special.
Of course Paul didn’t buy it at all, after all he had been the one to pick Richard up after the last massive time, he noticed the signs. After some convincing, Richard managed to get Paul to be not so worried about him anymore. The show went on. They enjoyed it to the fullest.
Until it was the time for the last Ausländer outro. Richard struggled so much to keep himself somewhat together. On some level he acknowledged being on stage in front of tens of thousands, but after just seconds he only saw Paul. Only felt Paul’s presence.
Paul was playing together with him for the last time. This beautiful melody they had created together and now extended it more and more, because neither of them wanted to let go. It was so full of emotion, it was almost unbearable.
After the last notes, the kiss they shared was something complitely different from anything before. It was a kiss of goodbye — for good. That’s how it felt for Richard. He could barely keep himself together. Paul must have felt it too, because that hug after the kiss almost crushed their ribs and messed up their guitars. Richard didn’t care about it, neither apparently Paul. They just clinged against each other for a tiny moment in time.
Richard didn’t remember much from the rest of the show after that, he had been too overwhelmed about everything.
After the concert, Richard had rushed to his dressing room to be able to break down to pieces alone. Except that Paul hurried after him and wouldn’t take a no for an answer, but needed to know if Richard was alright.
Richard wasn’t. And this time, finally, he was too tired and overwhelmed to hide anymore. Hide his feelings. He told Paul everything, left nothing out. This time it didn’t matter anymore in a sense that if this would destroy everything, there was enough time to cancel the next tour.
Richard felt so raw, his love was so present, he just couldn’t keep it hidden anymore. He feared the result, Paul was quiet for such a long time when Richard blurted everything out at one go. At some point Richard had even closed his eyes, because he didn’t dare to look at Paul in the fear of rejection, repulse or something similar.
It never came. Richard had finally opened his eyes again after the silence had fallen into the room, but Paul had just looked at him with such a loving gaze it made Richard gasp for air.
Because so it happened that Paul had been having same kind of feelings towards Richard all along. For years, since maybe beginning. He had just been as scared to voice them out loud as Richard had been.
What an absolute pair of idiots they had been. Pining for each other all this time like teenagers instead of the old fools they were. They should’ve seen the signs, but they had been such blind idiots, both of them.
The realization of mutual love in their still high adrenaline rush and rollercoaster of emotions made them burst into hysterical giggles, which by no means was something people in their late fifties usually did. The relief was just so huge they couldn’t help it.
After the giggling died out and after some sweet and tender kissing and hugging, they decided to be reasonable though. They had made plans to have holidays with their own families after the long tour was finally over. Richard and Paul agreed on continuing with the plans and talking properly after that. They had time, they had so much to talk about. How to continue together from here, how to tell the others.
//////
None of the other band members were a tiny bit surprised about their guitarists’ announcement though, they had noticed the signs long time ago. They had actually started to make plans for how to get those two realize the obvious, because they were apparently so blind themselves. They had gotten sick of third-wheeling their clumsy flirting and constant yearning.
Richard and Paul had still wanted to be a little more discreet with their relationship in public and not broadcast it to the whole world quite yet. At first they still had their own apartments too, because especially Richard needed his own space every now and then and they lived quite close to each other anyway.
Little by little they started to spend more and more time together, usually at Richard’s, because he needed his own studio and equipment whenever he got a burst of creativity, no matter what time of the day it was. It was easier this way, and Paul was happy to just be with Richard every day and share the daily life together.
This time round Richard didn’t get bad mood swings for a really long time anymore, because he was so happy with his life now. His life with Paul and all his dreams coming miraculously true.
Then the next tour started again. However, everything had felt a bit off from the beginning. It felt as if the universe was against them for some reason.
Richard had a nagging fear it had something to do with his good fortune. He feared the universe didn’t think he deserved so much happiness, he had always felt like he didn’t maybe deserve everything he wished for… Richard tried to shove these dark thoughts away, because despite everything, all was good. He was with Paul and they were touring again.
And then the shit hit the fan so to speak.
They all were so scared that their life’s work could just end like this. It was a struggle for all of them.
If Richard hadn’t have Paul by his side like this, in every meaning of the concept, he would’ve fallen deep down into depression mid-tour, at the very beginning of it. But together they managed to survive.
Before one show Paul had come to Richard’s room as usual to check up on him. They still didn’t share a room together at the venue, because Richard needed his own quiet time to get ready for the show. Paul saw Richard sitting on the sofa deep in his thoughts and wanted to know if he was alright.
Richard had looked at Paul with a slight crease between his eyebrows and had said then:
”I wonder… Because we don’t know what the future holds for us considering the band, I still don’t want to ever lose you, Paul. Would you… will you marry me?”
Paul had been surprised, but then very soon said with a constantly widening smile:
”What, really?”
After Richard had nodded shyly, Paul had answered the only thing he ever wanted to answer to Richard:
”Yes, of course, Schatz. A thousand times yes.”
They had grinned to each other so lovingly and stupidly after that for hours, it even made concentrating to the show very difficult.
But they found such happiness within each other in the middle of the chaos and insecurity. They needed it more than anything.
They had never before talked about marriage, Richard hadn’t even been planning to propose. It just happened, because Paul was so important to him.
Richard and Paul had both been married before, when they had been young. Those marriages had been more of a spur of the moment with someone they didn’t know thoroughly and they didn’t last long. They both hadn’t felt like getting married ever again, not even with the mothers of their children. It hadn’t felt necessary.
This time it had felt necessary though. Not just because they wanted to declare their love to the world, but it felt something solid. Something that tied them even more together, officially too. For some reason they felt they needed that.
They had decided to wait with the ceremony for after the tour and keep it very small and not fuss about anything. They were in their late fifties after all. But they did get their beautiful day together, the most special day of their lives. The day of all the love.
//////
Being with Paul and being committed to him until the very end, Richard found for the first time in his life the security he had been craving for so long. The love stronger than life, stronger than the whole universe. Paul was his grounding force.
For the longest periods of time Richard was feeling mostly good and happy. He did get some downs every now and then, sometimes because of a reason, most of the time not really. He couldn’t help it, it was just part of life, part of his soul. Sometimes Richard was able to use his mood as a fuel for creativity, sometimes not. That was just part of life too.
Richard admired Paul’s patience with his mood swings. Of course not even Paul was in a good mood all the time, but he wasn’t as prone to longer and deeper downs as Richard.
Richard couldn’t believe how amazingly lucky he was by having Paul by his side like this. Letting him be alone the time needed, helping him get better again, being such a positive force in his life. Everyone could need a Paul in their lives, Richard often thought. Not his Paul of course, but someone similar. Even though there really wasn’t anyone else like his Paul in the whole wide universe. His personal sun.
//////
Today, however, it was one of those seasonal blues again. There wasn’t any other explanation for Richard’s bad mood. He had felt it creeping on again in the middle of the night already, when he was sleeping poorly despite of being able to cuddle Paul next to him.
Richard had barricaded himself in his studio right away in the hope of being able to use his mood to make some music. Nothing interested him though, not anything he had started earlier, and he didn’t get inspired to create anything complitely new either.
It was a gray day that suited Richard’s mood perfectly. The little daylight they were having, had gotten brighter during the day and now it was complitely dark again. Richard sloughed even further down on the couch he had been lying the whole day.
Richard hated to feel like this. When nothing felt good and there was just darkness in his mind and anxiety in his very guts, gnawing him from the inside. Richard felt so bad, when he was avoiding everyone, especially Paul, because Paul hadn’t done anything wrong. Paul didn’t deserve this.
It just had taken Richard dozens and even hundreds of tries to learn, that when he was feeling like this, it really was the best to be by himself until the worst passed. Otherwise he could easily snap stupid and petty comments to others and that was not good. He had learned his lesson.
So, Richard had been hiding in his studio the whole day without eating or even drinking anything. He hadn’t just felt like it. Paul had let him be. Only if it took him more than a day to avoid everyone, Paul tried to get him eat and drink something. Paul took so good care of him, Richard was still amazed, how he had ended up with the most amazing person in the world. He still didn’t always feel like deserving Paul. Paul most definitely didn’t deserve him being like this.
Richard heard the door open after a quiet knock, and Paul walked into the studio.
”There you are. Come with me, you have been sulking long enough. I made you a hot chocolate.”
”I hate hot chocolate,” Richard grunted.
Paul laughed.
”No, you don’t. Come on, you can be a grumpy old man again some other day.”
”Look who’s talking. You’re three years older than me!” Richard huffed.
”Actually less than two and a half, but ok. Komm Schatz, your cocoa is getting cold,” Paul answered with a soft smile and held out his hand for his husband.
Richard sighed, stood up from the couch and took Paul’s hand. Richard’s hair was a complite disarrayed mess and he was wearing the oldest and softest of clothes that had started to fall into pieces already. Paul smiled to the sight and squeezed Richard’s hand as they walked together towards the kitchen.
”Did you put marshmallows in it?” Richard asked sounding still a bit grumpy.
”You’ll see in a sec.”
When they got to their kitchen, Richard saw two large mugs of hot chocolate on the table. A small steam was rising slowly from them.
Richard got closer and saw that the other mug had just some whipped cream on the top of the hot chocolate. The other one had whipped cream and tiny heart-shaped marshmallows on the top.
Paul released Richard’s hand and got closer to him, hugging Richard from behind. They both had smiles on their faces.
”Is it good enough?” Paul asked softly.
Richard inhaled deeply, squeezed Paul’s hands around his stomach and let the breath out long and slow.
”It’s perfect, just like you. Thank you for putting up with me again and being this loving towards me,” Richard said in a soft voice. ”Thank you for being my husband.”
Richard felt Paul smile against his shoulder, where Paul’s chin was.
”For better and for worse, we said and I mean it. I love you just how you are, I love our life together. Loving you is easy, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else for the rest of my life besides by your side.”
Richard turned around so he could look Paul straight in the eyes. Those beautiful eyes he felt like falling into over and over again. As he had done for decades already. Those eyes that saw everything and looked so full of love back at him.
”I love you too, so much.”
They shared a tender kiss, before Paul pulled away and said:
”Let’s get those hot chocolates to the living room and go cuddle on the sofa for a while. I need my daily dose of Richard.”