Work Text:
This is how I remember our break up.
A year ago today you run to me from your house.
When you arrive, you know everything is wrong and I know everything is wrong, but neither of us are really going to say anything.
I feel empty inside,
even when you step closer, that love in you that I craved for so long.
I’m immediately annoyed by the look on your face. Like I’m some kind of charity case or lost cause. Like I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through all my shit.
You ask me where I’ve been and I don’t look at you as I answer.
You ask if I’m okay, as per usual, and for some reason that infuriates me, as per usual.
Am I okay? No one will ever let me say I’m okay, so who the fuck knows?
I don’t answer because it doesn’t matter, really, does it?
Now when I think about what you look like I remember you no closer than eight feet away, staring at me with that sad, disappointed look. I’m not everything I promised you I would be. What I can never seem to remember is that you just wanted to help me, and you love me. I was everything you wanted.
Now that I know that and remember that, it makes remembering this…a lot harder.
We then talk about my meds, about how you won’t be with me if I don’t take them, and I say that you used to love me. You tell me you do and what that means, and I mock you.
You say, ‘Fuck you’ the way I’ve heard thousands of times before.
Suddenly, I remember the first moment you really let me in. When you looked at me the way you’re looking at me then — scared and terrified, but with so much fucking love.
This is the moment I almost don’t do it. It’s the moment I almost feel something.
But before that look can stop me again, I look away before saying ‘No, thanks, I’ve already done that’.
You go silent for a moment as your eyes scan every inch of my face, trying to get an idea about how I’m feeling.
Damn it, you’re so beautiful it still hurts to think about it.
You say ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’
And now my heart is sinking because now I’m remembering all the reasons I fell for you in the first place.
All the memories and moments that make me regret everything I did or have done.
Finally my anxiety boils up out of me: ‘Too much is wrong with me, and you can’t do anything about that, you can’t change it. You can’t fix me, because I’m not broken. I don’t need to be fixed, okay? I’m me!’
And we’re standing here staring at each other for what feels like an eternity.
Finally, I’m turned away when you say, ‘This is it. This is you breaking up with me.’
I say back, ‘Yeah.’
I don’t then, but I want to say now that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it like this. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it at all.
But then follows the loudest moment of silence I have ever had to go through.
You say, ‘Really?’
‘Fuck.’
And it seems to sum up and finish off our whole relationship in a couple of syllables.
We stand there in silence for a few more moments before you decide to leave.
We don’t hug or kiss or touch at all.
You just give me a look and walk back where you came from.
You’ve walked away from me so many times and I’ve always fought to get you back.
Now I think about it and I wish I hadn’t let you go.
I can’t count how many times I’ve sat on my porch and replayed that conversation in my head.
Rewriting the things I wish I had said, regretting the things I didn’t give you a chance to say, wishing I had told you sooner what I needed and that I love you, and wondering if maybe you still did love me as much as you said.
I guess I wish it had gone differently.
I guess I wish you were still here.