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Being invisible was pretty easy for Adonis, even though they were a very imposing figure most of the time.
People pass them on either side as they walk the sidewalk.
There was a show they wanted to go to. Little hole-in-the-wall place. The food there was just okay but the music was supposed to be real nice.
They were excited and hopeful.
That was supposed to be something nice, but it wasn’t.
Excitement is a prickly and uncomfortable feeling, it’s waiting for the shoe to drop, and hope feels like pressing on a bruise at this point.
The Vegas strip opens unto Adonis like a gaping maw, ready to swallow them up and force them to live a little.
It is not comfortable. It is painful.
Adonis looks down at their body, their hands the only visible skin other than their face.
The brightness of the city lights paint their covered body in the dappled colors not unlike the coloration of a fawn. There is something so honest about what this light reveals, even if Adonis doesn’t want to admit it.
All these people are not helpful in quelling their nerves.
Fuck, what were they doing? They don’t deserve to go to this show…
They don’t deserve to be here…
Just as they feel they may be getting to the point of snapping and heading back, they turn, almost knocking someone over as they begin walking down an alley.
They just need to stop for a little bit. Just a little breather and they’ll be good.
The alleyway is dark and smells like sour trash water.
Adonis wants to feel small but doesn't feel good about fully sitting, so they crouch against the wall.
The situation was not optimal, but it felt weirdly fitting.
Just some piece of trash hyperventilating next to the dumpsters.
Why the fuck did they even come out here? This fucking sucked.
Just try to breathe.
Adonis took a deep breath in, filling their lungs with sour air.
The shadows shift on the walls around Adonis as people pass the mouth of the alley, but one lingers, coming down the alley.
Just breathe, it’s alright.
“Hey.”
The person’s shoes are the first thing they notice about the guy. A pair of runners. In pretty bad shape from what Adonis can see without looking up.
“I’ve got a knife. Give me everything you have.”
Adonis doesn’t move or respond for a little too long.
The first sensory experience that makes this moment real for Adonis is their head hitting the bricks behind them as they are pushed back against the wall.
Adonis just sat back, consciousness huddled somewhere in the back of their mind while their body watched the scene happen with seemingly no input or agency.
The brick wall was rough against their back, even with their hoodie as a buffer.
Runners guy was yelling at them now but it honestly just washed over Adonis like white noise.
They started to push themself to their feet again, but got a kick to the stomach for their troubles.
Then there was a spike of clarity as pain started to set in. Pain always was grounding to Adonis.
The ache in their ribs pulled them out of whatever they had been in.
Adonis looks down at their hands on the filthy ground before starting to move ever so slowly to their feet.
There was a clear moment of hesitation in the guy as Adonis stood to their full height, looking down at him. He was considering running.
What Adonis lacks in knowledge of fighting, they make up for in knowledge of the human body’s limits and brute force.
The guy turns to book it out of the alley, but Adonis catches him by his left arm, pulling him back towards their body, which he collides with like it’s made of concrete.
Adonis has this weird feeling in their body, but it’s so hard to place. It’s not excitement but it has the same amplitude as that feeling. It’s something deeper. Something bitter.
He scrambled, trying to pry his left arm out of Adonis’ hand and get distance, knife in his right coming towards Adonis fast.
In most situations while trying to seem human, Adonis might try to dodge or disarm, but they didn’t particularly care about that at this moment. As long as they kept vital organs intact, they could patch up most things.
The pocket knife slides cleanly into the area under Adonis’ clavicle in a frenzied motion, cutting through their hoodie and shirt and into their skin.
As far as Adonis was concerned, this kind of pain was negligible.
Adonis grabs the wrist of the arm holding the knife, twisting it so that the man’s radius and ulna are even with each other before letting go of their initial hold on their assailant in lieu of trying to break both bones in the man’s arm cleanly.
This was not going to be pretty.
His left arm now freed, the guy throws a punch that Adonis ducks past only to get hit in the right eye with the guy’s elbow.
When Adonis gets both hands on the forearm, it’s a quick motion.
The bones snap with a sickening sound, and Adonis lets the arm go, where the man falls to the dirty alleyway ground, clutching his now broken wrist.
If the man screams or cries, Adonis doesn’t hear it. Their ears are filled with that same fuzzy feeling white noise as before.
They want to curl up and hide, but this is clearly not the place to do that.
From there, Adonis blanks out, letting themself go back on their weird autopilot.
They turn, and watch as their hands pull the pocket knife out of their shoulder and toss it in one of the dumpsters as they pass by.
That guy was lucky he got off with a broken wrist and didn’t become an unwilling limb donor.
…
Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with them. Who thinks like that?
Adonis walks back out into the busy sidewalk. These people all seem so unaware of the violence going on all around them in the shadows of the city.
They felt eerily calm, like they’re standing at the center of a storm looking out at chaos around them.
There’s this weird warmth where the guy had been pulled against their body and a soreness from being kicked over that wasn’t totally unpleasant.
Ah fuck… This was getting messy.
Adonis sets their body to the task of getting to the venue as their mind tries to pick apart these weird feelings.
They make their way down the sidewalk, their hobnail boots thudding against the pavement as they walk.
They even checked their phone for directions a few times, but the whole time they kept thinking about that whole… thing… that happened.
What the hell were they thinking?? God, they shouldn’t have fucking done that…
They couldn’t tell anyone about this…
The shame of the whole ordeal begins to bloom in Adonis’ chest, the familiarly heavy feeling hanging on their body.
The weight of shame was an actually comforting feeling for Adonis. It lays over them like a blanket, weighing them down. Shame wasn’t a good feeling, but it was grounding and that’s what they needed.
Adonis’ consciousness is largely busy while their body does what it needs to.
It’s a skill they picked up from when they were younger.
They’d get like this sometimes working in the lab with mom. It was a helpful trait to have sometimes, especially if they couldn’t handle something. They could just shut off and do it anyway.
It’s a fuzzy feeling. It was scary at one point, but they're pretty used to it now.
Adonis was pulled forward by a distant sharp sensation in the body.
That can’t be a good sign…
They do what they can to focus on it, trying to gently bring their control back around their body.
They track the sensation to their hands.
Their hands were balled into fists at their sides, short nails digging into their palms.
Just breathe.
There’s music in this space and people lit in harsh lights move around them in their peripherals, but they’re tuning everything out.
They gravitate towards a quieter, darker area, walking forward until they can feel their breath hit a wall in front of them.
Fuck… they probably look crazy right now.
It doesn’t matter, just breathe.
They check their phone, their location says they’re at place. Thank god.
They can relax now. They’re not going to get hurt here.
Probably.
“Hey.”
Adonis turns slowly, their system still a bit shot with adrenaline from the…. well…. everything…
When they turned, they looked down at some punk, painted in the cool, blue-green light of the venue.
They give the punk a once over, taking note of the pins and patches, most notably a patch that says it/she/spit. Cool.
It’s short to Adonis, but everyone is. The shaved sides of its head look like they need maintenance.
There’s nothing they could be trying to get to that Adonis was blocking, so they probably wanted something.
Adonis waited a moment for the person to continue, and when they didn’t, just nodded in acknowledgment.
“I like your pants. The patches go hard.”
Adonis just stares blankly, but there's a twinge of panic at knowing someone has been looking at them.
“The swollen eye is cute too. You get that in the pit?”
Oh shit-
They hadn’t thought about residual swelling…
“Nah, I uh-“ Adonis coughs just a bit, clearing their throat and looking away. “I mean, It wasn’t in the pit, no.”
“Gotcha.” The punk pauses. “Your partner then?”
There’s an even longer pause where Adonis tries to figure out what this punk’s angle is.
It looks up at Adonis, its face all soft features and dark, messy makeup made vibrant by the colorful lights.
The genuine question does a great deal to disarm them, but Adonis doesn’t want to let someone in just because they’re knocking.
“I don’t have a partner.” Adonis’ answer is short and the faintest bit sour, but that doesn’t stop the punk.
“You looking for one?” Its got the faintest hint of a smile at the corners of its mouth.
That made Adonis’ brain short circuit.
They glare out from under their shaggy curls at the punk. Why is it doing this to them? Was it just trying to be cruel? Nobody actually wants to spend time around them, so what the fuck is this person’s issue…?
Bad things happen to Adonis, but more importantly, bad things happen to the people around Adonis. This punk clearly had some kind of death wish…
“Are you trying to get fucked up?” Adonis’ question was also genuine. Weirdly enough, this whole conversation is one of the most genuine Adonis has had in a long time.
“Yeah.” The punk doesn't flinch at Adonis’ violent proposition. “I am. Can I buy you a drink?”
The punk nods towards the bar.
Adonis stands there in angry-looking, stunned silence.
The whole situation is weird and Adonis feels wildly out of their depth. The weirdest part of it all is that Adonis believes what the punk is saying.
It’s a lot of pressure for a relatively low-stakes interaction. It’s honestly pretty hard for Adonis to get the words out.
Adonis isn’t going to be what this person wants them to be. Speaking the words almost feels like killing some kind of fantasy version of themself.
“Diet Coke.”
Adonis turns towards the wall, not wanting to see the fantasy die and be replaced by judgement in the punk’s eyes.
They watch the shadows on the wall as the punk wordlessly walks away from them.
This was to be expected, but it still stung. Someone actually wanted to talk to them and they spit in its face by being themself.
Adonis wants to shrink into the corner.
This happened every fucking time.
Something in Adonis made them turn and actually watch the opportunity slip away. It didn’t make it any easier but that’s not something they’ve ever prioritized.
They follow the punk’s back as it walks away, presumably leaving. Maybe finding someone better to talk to.
Adonis’ eyes trail down its back, following the painted lines of the back patch of its battle jacket.
It’s the face of a dog, its lips curled up in a snarl.
Messy text at the bottom of the image reads a phrase that Adonis mouths under their breath.
‘Show me your teeth.’
Easier said than done.
There’s a swinging motion that captures Adonis’ attention.
It’s something they almost miss with people passing between the two of them.
Swaying behind the punk, off the back of its belt, is a small, fluffy, black tail.
There’s this weird feeling of tightness in their chest, the sourness of having truly messed up something that could’ve been nice.
But the punk doesn’t leave.
It passes the exit and walks over to the bar, speaking to the person behind it.
The punk turns back to look at Adonis and Adonis looks elsewhere.
The wait is short and Adonis spends it frantically trying to figure out what their next move is.
When the punk comes back to them, can of Coke in hand, and Adonis still has no plan, this is where the real challenge of navigating the situation begins.
The punk offers the can to Adonis, who shakily extends a hand to accept it.
Their hand touches the punks fingertips as they take the can, and they feel the familiar coiling sensation of shame twisting in their gut.
The cold metal meets their hands, its cool, smooth surface doing wonders to ground them in the moment.
“You’re a cheap date.” The punk smiles.
It wasn’t a judgement. Just an observation.
This punk is absolutely perplexing to Adonis. It’s not awkward, it’s not forced, it’s just happening. Adonis feels like this person is unstoppable, like some kind of force of nature.
Adonis just kind of stands there, the heart beat in their ears almost drowning out the music.
It takes a moment for Adonis to open the soda, their nails too short and hands shaking ever so slightly.
In this new environment, they’ve been braced and waiting for things to get worse for so long that they’re beginning to mentally wear thin. They’re going to have to relax otherwise this is going to end in a big meltdown.
Adonis forces themself to take a long, slow breath in and out before taking a sip of the coke.
Everything tastes kind of dull at this moment, but the diet coke is clear. Most of the time Adonis has to convince themself that the food or drink has any kind of flavor. It’s weird but they don’t think it’s always been like this.
Diet Coke is a different beast though. It seems to be the one thing they can always taste regardless of what’s going on.
They take one more breath, turning their attention back to the punk.
It's facing away from them, looking towards the stage, light cascading around their form like some kind of teal halo.
Adonis likes looking at people, but doesn’t like being looked at. It’s kind of unfair, but being looked at is just… weird… like they’re being dissected… They avoid it as best they can.
This punk almost felt like it was standing guard for them. A strange punk-rock sentinel that they could hide behind to drop the mask, and breathe for a bit while not being utterly defenceless.
Their siblings would sometimes do stuff like that, when they all could tell Adonis wasn’t doing well and really needed a break, but they’re all connected by that silent sibling understanding. To get this kind of treatment from a stranger felt weird in a way they didn't have the words for.
It was almost kind of nice…
Adonis just breathes for a bit.
The music here is really nice. It’s the kind of thing they listen to on their own, plus, the speakers are so big that even from a bit away, Adonis can feel it in their lungs.
This was okay.
The punk stays facing away from them, nodding to the music and occasionally waving at people it knows as they pass. It seems to be very plugged into this space.
Adonis was actually starting to cool off. They take a moment to look around and actually take in their surroundings.
There’s more people here than when they came in, and it’s starting to get loud, but that’s not bad. A sea of people is easy to get lost in, especially when a lot of them look even more pissed off and disheveled than Adonis.
Why did they still feel so out of place?
Despite the wellspring of silent support, they feel like one rotten drop of water ruining the whole ocean.
This shit is so frustrating.
The punk turns back to Adonis without fully facing them, catching their eyes from where they hide under a head of messy, black curls.
It flashes them a thumbs up, but with its eyes it’s asking “are you okay?”
Adonis shrugs, but then actually takes a moment to think about it.
There’s the regular pains at a lot of joints, and a dull thumping sensation at their temples. Their chest hurt a bit where they’d been stabbed and one of their eyes was just a bit swollen. Their throat feels tight and their heart feels strange in a way that they don’t really have the words for. It’s like something is spinning in place at a rapid rate. That’s really weird.
They take another slow breath in and out, focusing on the sensation of their lungs gradually filling and emptying, before giving a thumbs up to the punk.
The punk smiles subtly, turning its full attention back to Adonis.
This attention wasn’t so bad, or at least it wasn’t so bad now that Adonis isn’t teetering on the cusp of having a meltdown.
In the dimness of this building, the punk’s focus washed over Adonis like a glow, unlike the traditional spotlight that being stared at typically felt like.
That was supposed to be something nice…
Why do they still feel so weird?
Their thoughts are interrupted by the voice of the punk.
“What’s your name?” It put its hands in its pockets. “I just realized I never asked. I’m Ronnie by the way.”
Adonis opens their mouth to speak, finding it weirdly dry and just deciding to power through it.
“My name is Adonis.” The words eventually come out, quickly followed by a bit of a choking feeling.
That twisting sensation in their chest just kept spinning and spinning, like it’s winding up endlessly.
“It’s nice to meet you.” Ronnie smiles wide.
The smile is alien to Adonis. It’s not anything like their bleached white teeth from cadavers. Adonis had the best of the sets their mom could find. Ronnie’s teeth seemed to overlap in the front.
It’d probably leave a zig-zag pattern on anything it bit.
Its smile is nice.
Fuck, they had to stop being so weird…
At the pushback from their brain, their thoughts doubled down.
They imagined being bit—- hard, and Ronnie tracing the teeth print on their body with its tongue.
Maybe it could tear chunks out of Adonis’ neck with its teeth. That might be nice…
Maybe it could find the bad part that’s been plaguing them their whole life.
Maybe it could do them the honor of killing them…
No, no, no! Stop being gross! They don’t even know this person!
They just need to breathe, but—
Adonis could do the tearing.
They imagine the feeling of their jaw opening wide around the punk’s soft, dark flesh and ripping them to pieces like they’re some kind of hungry wild animal.
Shame continues to pile.
“So, Adonis…” Ronnie smiles up at them. “What’s your deal?”
Adonis has to put a lot of effort into unclenching their jaw to answer, but when they go to speak they are having trouble stringing any words together.
“I… uh…” Adonis’ mind is still racing with thoughts of violence. “I don’t… I don’t know…?”
Of fucking course they met a nice person and started to shut down… What a fucking loser…
Adonis just wanted to melt into the wall behind them and disappear. Why did they have to fuck up every good thing that life could throw at them. Maybe this is just what their life is…
They lean backwards just a bit, bracing against the wall and feeling the press of it against their back.
“I just…” Adonis continues, more slowly this time. “I’m sorry, I need a second.”
“That’s fine.” Ronnie looks unbothered and nods. “Do you want me to get you a chair?”
“I… I don’t know, maybe.” Their voice cracks ever so subtly.
Ronnie nods and quickly walks over to an area where people are sitting so it can grab an extra chair.
Adonis does not understand why this punk is being so nice to them.
What the hell does it want from them?
Ronnie comes back quickly with the chair, setting it next to Adonis with its back against the wall.
Adonis is not in a place to fight it, so they just sit.
After sitting for a second, Adonis made several realizations.
The first was that their whole body was shaking slightly. This was probably what prompted Ronnie to have them sit down.
The second was that colors felt blurry and shifty. This seemed like a migraine aura of some kind.
They tasted something weird and bitter in their mouth. Shit… They better not be about to throw up…
Adonis feels weird looking up at Ronnie, they’re so used to towering over people that they don’t really know what to do when the dynamic is flipped. It makes them feel a bit uncomfortable actually.
They try a few times to open their mouth to say something, maybe give some kind of apology for being so weird, but it feels like their jaw is stuck shut.
Adonis just stares up at Ronnie, resting bitch face in full force but no real malice behind it.
Ronnie just looks back down at them, a soft smile resting on their face.
There was a weird feeling of electricity when their eyes met. It made Adonis nervous, so they quickly looked away, eyes flicking down at the patches on Ronnie’s battle jacket.
There were loads of different patches and pins, almost entirely DIY.
Adonis read them.
‘We keep us safe’ written within the transgender symbol.
‘refuse dystopia’
‘If it can get worse, it can get better’
Adonis stops at a small one along the bottom hem of the jacket.
‘Ask to pet’
Adonis’ throat suddenly felt simultaneously dry and like they were choking on spit.
Fuck.
What are they supposed to do now?
They take another sip of their coke, turning their gaze to the floor so that they don't stare.
The carbonation on their throat was nice.
The idea that this person was weird in the same way that Adonis was weird made their heart flutter in their chest.
Adonis wanted to know about them. They wanted to ask so many questions but when they go to try to speak, it feels like their brain short circuits. Like all the thoughts that had just been at the surface, dive back under to hide.
One thought just stays at the surface though:
It’s going to suck.
It’s going to suck so badly when it realizes Adonis is not what they want.
Adonis swallows.
“This your first time here?”
The question seems to shake Adonis a bit. In all their mental spiraling, they didn’t think the conversation would be about them.
“Yes.” Adonis doesn’t move when they speak, just focusing on getting a single word out.
“Nervous?”
That question was kind of frustrating but they could not place why, so they just focused on answering and not shutting down any more than they already have.
“I am.”
“You from out of state?”
“No, I’m just…” Adonis senses that their words are going to try to start gushing, so they take a moment to breathe while speaking. “I moved just outside of Vegas for school two years ago. I haven’t had a lot of time to check local places out.”
That was only a partial lie. Adonis saw events going on every month in this area. They would even go as far as to put dates on their calendar, but they always talked themself out of going to any.
Ronnie narrowed its eyes at them for a moment, as if it sensed the half-truth. This makes some part of Adonis want to run, but they stayed where they were, not trusting their legs to get them out with their dignity still intact.
It walks over to stand next to where Adonis is sitting, looking out at the rest of the venue with them.
It could sit in their lap if it wanted to…
Stop!! Please stop!!
Adonis physically shook their head, warding off the weird thoughts while the faintest blush tints their cheeks.
They both just sit and stand there quietly, listening to the music and looking out at the small crowd around the stage and bar.
Colors smear across the room in Adonis’ vision. It’s like they’re looking out through a layer of colorful beads of oil floating in water. It was weird.
“Do you like industrial music?” Ronnie gestures to the stage.
Adonis couldn’t help but perk up a little.
“Yeah.” They said, their tone still hesitant. “That’s uh… that’s part of why I came out here tonight.”
“Sweet!” Ronnie’s voice came from beside them, but Adonis still couldn’t work up the courage to turn their head and look up at it. “I like it a lot too. A lot of my playlists are either EDM, harsh noise, hardcore, or Industrial.”
Ronnie pauses.
“And maybe a sea shanty now and then.”
That made Adonis smile.
“You like sea shanties?” Adonis cocks their head to the side, their tone neutral but curious.
“Yeah, I got into them during the pandemic.” Ronnie’s voice is fond. “Needed music that keeps you moving when you only want to lay down and cry. That’s the purpose of the sea shanty. It’s something to keep you living.”
Not knowing what to say but still wanting Ronnie to know they’re listening, Adonis nods and lets out a small hum of acknowledgement, but they keep thinking about that phrase it said.
‘Something to keep you living.’
Adonis needed something like that.
“I’ve also tried making my own music,” Ronnie continues. “Electronic music specifically. It was never very good. It was fun to mess around in random music programs though.”
Adonis just sat and listened, nodding occasionally.
Listening is just about the only thing Adonis can meaningfully bring to a conversation most of the time. If Ronnie minded, it did a good job hiding it.
“I like picking up new hobbies.” It continues. “It’s kind of nice to just let myself be bad at a new thing.”
That idea was as novel to Adonis as it was scary. Why would anyone enjoy being bad at something? Shouldn’t it be scared people are going to make fun of it? It didn’t make any sense.
“What kinds of things do you like to do?”
Adonis’ brain scrambled to think of anything that would make them look even halfway normal.
They have a blog, but then it’s probably going to ask to see the blog and then it will know Adonis is a freak.
Uh…
Fuck….
“I don’t really do much,” Adonis shrugged, looking at Ronnie just a bit in the corner of their vision. “Outside of going to classes, I mean. I listen to a lot of music. Sometimes I sew.”
“Ah, cool.” Ronnie nods. “What do you sew?”
“It’s a lot of handsewn mending.” Adonis holds out their wrist, showing where they’ve embroidered creeping grasses into the fraying edge of their hoodie sleeve. “I find it really soothing to do.”
It all felt a bit weird saying so much to this person they barely knew.
“Can I touch it?”
The question set a fire in Adonis’ chest.
Adonis’ heart felt like it was whirring again, but their autopilot just nodded and extended their hand further.
Ronnie leans in a bit to look at it, gingerly holding Adonis’ wrist and moving their arm so it can see how the stitching goes all the way around the sleeve.
This was really weird. The hyperactive part of Adonis’ brian just kind of sat there in stunned silence, too caught off guard to make any jabs.
Adonis’ body is turned towards where Ronnie stands.
Hesitantly, they look up at it.
Its eyes are a dark cherry brown, monolidded, looking down at Adonis’ handiwork. It has a soft smile on its face as it gently runs a finger over the raised stitching.
“Your stitching is really nice.” Ronnie’s eyes meet Adonis’ again. “I love the dandelions.”
Adonis just nods and takes their hand back when Ronnie is done inspecting it, holding it tightly to their body as if they’re trying to hide it.
They’re very unused to being touched… especially by a stranger.
It feels like their insides are twisting… but it’s not unpleasant…
Their arm and wrist felt warm where Ronnie had touched them.
Light touches were a subtle burn, and Adonis wants to be lit on fire, fully engulfed by the flames.
Fuck, what were they thinking? Their feelings were starting to get out of hand…
They need to calm down.
They take another sip of soda, just letting it sit in their mouth a moment so they could focus on the coolness and the sensation of carbonation tingling on their tongue.
Even just trying to maintain regular breathing was hard.
Adonis feels… complicated….
They don’t have the words for it.
It’s like…. Like they want something and they’re upset.
But they’re not upset by not having the thing they want.
They’re upset by the fact that they want.
To desire was a gross feeling to Adonis.
Like they were unfairly applying their will to the world.
Who were they to want?
Not even a nobody, Adonis was a nothing.
And yet, they still wanted.
They were absolutely sick with it.
Ronnie looks at Adonis who, in turn, looks towards the floor.
How could they possibly inflict this want on others?
The beginning of their mental spiral was shattered when Ronnie spoke.
“If this place is too much, we can get out of here.”
‘We’?
What did it mean ‘we’?
Adonis’ brain shot into overdrive, this time in the opposite direction.
The fast paced music of the venue set an oppressive tempo as Adonis’ thoughts rose to the surface only to burst, like bubbles in a rolling boil.
It wants to kill them.
Adonis isn’t the predator here, they’re prey, and following this person to a second location lowers the chance that they’ll be found.
Their body, broken and mangled left in a ditch off the side of the highway or kept in the back of its fridge as a trophy.
Adonis narrows their eyes at Ronnie.
So why do they want to go?
They needed to calm down, they were being weird again…
“Uh…” Adonis started speaking, not sure of what they even wanted to say. “I mean, I don’t… I don’t know. I… Where would we go?”
“There’s a convenience store that I go to sometimes just a couple of blocks from here.” Ronnie offered. “It has a bunch of weird imported drinks and snacks.”
That sounded… kind of nice.
“If that’s not your speed, we don’t have to.” Ronnie continued. “I just wanted to offer.”
Adonis thought they heard disappointment in Ronnie’s voice and they felt a pang of panic as the twisting feeling came back tenfold.
“I, uh… sure, yeah.” Adonis’ tone bordered on being demanding in its intensity, despite their uneven speaking.
Ronnie smiled.
“You’re weird.” It spoke, offering its hand to Adonis to help them stand. “I like you. If you’re good to walk, let’s go.”
The approval made Adonis’ chest flutter in a weird way, but it left a kind of bitter sensation after it was over.
They look at Ronnie’s offered hand, the lighter skin of its palm peppered in the occasional small scar that disappeared underneath a collection of multicolored bracelets.
Adonis thought about the nature of those scars as they took its hand.
They became aware of how cold their hand was as it met the warmth of Ronnie’s helping them stand and then they felt strange when it let go.
Maybe this punk was just as bad as they were?
That was probably rude…
There was a lot of stimuli they hadn’t noticed on the way in as Adonis followed Ronnie out of the venue.
The lighting was alien. All harsh blues and greens.
This whole place smelled like sweat and smoke, but it wasn’t unpleasant. It felt real. Almost like the venue was its own powerful beast.
The music got quieter as they moved towards the entrance to the place, but the bassy thudding sensation remained in Adonis’ chest.
Ronnie holds the door open for them, and they walk down the three steps that lead them to street level.
A few people stand around idly, one smoking, others presumably waiting for rides.
Other people pass on the sidewalk.
The night is still somewhat early, but Adonis was beginning to wear thin.
Ronnie stands by their side, looking out over the street.
It nods its head in the direction of the corner and the two of them begin to walk.
Adonis was good at following orders, but walking behind someone was always weirdly difficult and awkward.
Their long legs made them take on uncomfortably short steps in a rhythm they weren’t totally used to.
As they followed, it looked at the back patch of Ronnie’s jacket.
‘Show me your teeth.’
They were trying to! They were just doing a bad job…
They made a concerted effort to focus on the faux fur tail that swayed from side to side as it walked, but something was drawing their attention elsewhere.
Adonis felt this strange tightening feeling in their chest as they stepped in front of the open mouth to an alley.
They slow for a moment, looking down into the shadows.
This city was alive, and Adonis could tell that it wanted them to live too.
They purse their lips.
In the corner of Adonis’ vision, Ronnie stops and turns to look back at them.
Adonis looks at it, their eyes flicking back to the alley to linger for just a moment longer before it continues walking.
There’s an awkward couple of seconds where Adonis hovers behind Ronnie, waiting for it to start moving as it just stares back at them.
When they’d met, it’d been in the blue-green light of the venue but now, seeing it illuminated by a streetlight felt even more unreal.
Ronnie really was all soft features hiding under harshly contoured makeup
What had presumably at one point been cleanly shaven sides of its head were now a fuzz of kinky black hair, save for a few patches of bare scalp. The rest of its hair was dense, tight coils that stuck out in points like it got struck by lighting in a cartoon.
It was shorter and chubbier, its legs and exposed midriff showing scars and patterns of dimples in its flesh.
Cellulite.
Adonis smiled faintly.
It’s a trait that Adonis’ mother would never include in her pursuit to build the most perfect constructs.
Its jacket looked like it was almost entirely patches.
It was a beautiful thing, in an eclectic kind of way.
That was probably a weird thought…
Ronnie looked up at them seemingly just as curious without the nerves.
After a moment, it offered them its hand.
Every single time it touched Adonis, their chest lit up with anxiety.
Adonis looks between its face and the extended hand.
“I do not know what you want from me.” Adonis barely registered that it was them speaking. “But I don’t think I can give it to you.”
It was halfway between an attempt at intimidation and pleading.
This was the last chance they could give Ronnie. Back out of this interaction and don’t get its hopes up about Adonis in the future.
Even if it stayed with them, Adonis couldn’t guarantee there would be a pay off.
They couldn’t give it what it wanted. They just couldn’t.
Ronnie continued to look at Adonis, hand still outstretched.
“I don’t want anything from you that you don’t want to give me.”
Its tone was even. Respectful, but persistent.
This was something it needed them to know it meant.
Adonis felt that strange sensation of electricity again.
It was so strong this time that they wondered if Ronnie could feel it too.
What was this? Some kind of spell?
Their eyes were locked on Ronnie’s, flickering back down to its outstretched hand.
As the moment went on, Adonis felt that twisting in their gut continued to worsen. This feeling was becoming unbearable.
What do they do?
They look down at the offered hand, their eyes darting back to Ronnie’s.
Why was it so hard for them to trust it and why did they want to trust it so, so badly?
It was still looking at them…
Do something!
In a moment of desperation, Adonis took its hand.
Ronnie only smiled slyly and started gently pulling them, to coax them into walking with it down the street.
The warmth of its fingers was nice.
They thought about that tingling feeling of warmth as they walked with Ronnie in the direction of the convenience store.
Their siblings were all cold too.
The only person with a functioning circulatory system in their family was their mother, Vic, but calling her warm in any sense was… complicated…
This sense of warmth was new, and frankly a bit uncomfortable to Adonis.
If Ronnie’s hand felt warm to Adonis, then Adonis’ hand was surely cold to its touch.
Why didn’t it say anything about it?
Surely it could tell…
It could tell Adonis wasn’t a real person and it wasn’t saying anything…
Adonis felt the familiar thought-consuming spiral pulling their focus to the back of their mind.
Would the spider comment on the coldness of the fly?
Maybe it’d be disappointed that it couldn’t watch the life leave their eyes, like it would upon killing an actual person.
It was probably glad they’re already dead…. No missing persons report for Adonis, that’d be too much trouble.
Would their artificially created soul go to heaven?
Probably not…
Adonis just gritted their teeth and observed the thoughts as they happened, their body being gently guided down the street to the store at the corner as energy built inside of it.
They felt just a bit woozy.
It was frustrating to see the spiral coming but Adonis had nothing they could do about it. They just had to keep their head down and ride it out.
Their brain has always been like this but knowing that logically doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when something like this happens.
Their senses perked up as they heard the jingling of bells and they realized that the warmth of Ronnie’s hand was gone.
What? Were they there already?
How long had the two of them been walking?
It felt like the time just slipped away, but their body is left with the stress.
Adonis looks around.
Ronnie is holding the glass door open for them.
They’re in front of a small place nestled in between a row of shops.
This place was cute.
There were all sorts of branding stickers for snacks stuck to the inside of the glass.
Adonis felt awkward stepping in through the held open door, but they were glad they did.
This place was all bright packaging on neat shelves.
Adonis’ senses were pulled in a bunch of different directions.
They walk between the aisles, mainly just looking.
The store seemed to have everything, from the classic pink, yogurt covered pocky sticks to weird looking experimental candy that Adonis had never seen before.
They’re halfway glad they don’t have their siblings with them, knowing that this is the kind of space Trinity specifically would lose her mind in.
Adonis took a mental note to bring them back here sometime. If things weren’t too expensive.
Even the air in the store was sweet.
It was cool too, likely from all the refrigerators with drinks that lined the walls.
Adonis usually doesn’t like cold spaces, but this place was nice. They were all too familiar with being kept on ice.
Ronnie seemed to stand back and watch as Adonis went around the store before going to grab what it wanted.
Adonis stood in front of a wall of KitKats. They were Japanese, but most of them had pictures that showed what kind of flavor to expect.
It was a weirdly surreal moment, standing in the aisle, bathed in the fluorescent store lights.
They get the sense that this situation is strangely pivotal. Like it means something.
Adonis looks back at Ronnie, possibly for some kind of guidance, and it is rummaging around trying to get a specific flavor of some kind of Mexican candy in the next aisle over.
They were weirdly glad they could just have this time.
Adonis breathes for a second.
They are okay.
This is okay.
They reached down, pulling a small, strawberry KitKat from the shelf.
They could surely have a little treat. A little something to have made going out worth it.
By the time they turn, Ronnie stands up at the front, waiting for them.
The person behind the register has deeper eye bags than Adonis, which is really saying something, but has an otherwise kind face.
“You two together?”
The question was a simple one, why did it make the panic light back up in Adonis’ chest?
“Yeah.” Ronnie was already pulling out its wallet.
Adonis had a bit of a tough time walking over to the counter and placing their single Kitkat on the table to be scanned. It felt like they were nonverbally agreeing with the notion of the two of them being together.
“Damn, you seriously are a cheap date.” Ronnie says, handing its card over to the store clerk. “You sure you don’t want a drink?”
“I’m okay.”
Ronnie just narrowed its eyes, as if it could see the want but also Adonis’ desire not to want.
It didn’t try to force the issue, simply accepting the receipt and offering Adonis their KitKat on their way out.
Adonis felt the gaps between the chocolate bar with their fingers as they pocketed it.
Walking out of the store was like stepping back into a real, less colorful world.
Adonis had no clue how much time had passed, but judged from the wear on their awareness that it was closer to early morning than late night.
Nothing has happened, why are they being so dramatic?
Adonis’ pain is minimal but their body is more tired than usual. It feels weighed down.
They could probably take the bus to the edge of city limits and walk the rest of the way.
They just want to lay down. Maybe for a while.
Ronnie spoke up, interrupting their thoughts.
“I’m going to have to go in a bit.”
There was that weird feeling of tightness in Adonis’ chest again.
Adonis processed the words like they were shouted from far away.
It took Ronnie long enough to realize they were no good.
Probably off to the venue to look for someone else. A real person. Someone who could actually make them happy.
Adonis was too busy fighting the growing sense of bitterness to notice Ronnie shuffling through its jacket pockets for something.
Maybe they were actually glad it was leaving.
People only hurt them and they only hurt people.
Adonis was better off alone anyway.
What a waste of time…
No! It was nice! This was supposed to be nice!
They gently squeezed their fingers around the KitKat in their pocket.
This was supposed to be nice…
Wasn’t it?
They don’t even remember what they had felt like coming out here. Too much had happened.
They turn their body towards Ronnie but their eyes stay cast toward the sidewalk.
They don’t want to have to watch it leave, but they feel like they have to. As some kind of penance for wasting its time.
Its shoes are cool. They’re a crusty pair of boots that look like they’ve done a lot of stomping.
This is on Adonis for getting their hopes up.
What an idiot.
Ronnie’s hand comes into focus and Adonis is halfway to reaching for its wrist to block some kind of attack when they stop themself.
It’s holding out a piece of paper to them.
The receipt from before.
“I wrote down my discord handle on the back.” Ronnie says, offering it to them.
Adonis just stands there, trying to process.
“You don’t have to take it if you don’t want it.”
Its hand pulls the slightest bit away from them and Adonis panics, quickly grabbing the paper before looking down at Ronnie who is only slightly startled by Adonis’ quick movements.
“Woah, okay.” It laughed. “Watch the fingers.”
Adonis shudders inwardly, embarrassed.
The two of them just stood there for a moment, Adonis still avoiding eye contact.
“You okay?” It asked.
“I’m…” Adonis started, but their words trailed off. “I’m kind of fucked up.”
That’s not at all what they wanted to say, but the words just kind of came out.
“I got that sense, yeah.” Ronnie smiled, cracking open the drink it got with a crisp, clean sound before taking a sip of it.
“And you’re not worried?” Adonis held the receipt so tightly in their hand.
“Not particularly, no.” Its tone was nonchalant.
Adonis furrowed their brows.
It clearly didn’t understand the situation.
Why the hell was it making this so difficult?
“Well, why not?”
Ronnie steps just a bit closer, and when it speaks, Adonis can smell the sugary sweet wild berry of its beverage on its words.
“People are fucked up a lot of the time.” It shrugs. “Most of my good friends are. Doesn’t mean they’re not good people.”
Adonis tenses at the idea of being included in a list of ‘good people.’ Staying silent feels like a lie by omission, but they can’t bring themself to fight it.
They barely knew this person and they were already building up a web of lies.
They just wanted to be seen as normal, even if it’s only for one single interaction.
Not a fuck up, not a construct, but a person. And a good person at that, whatever that means.
They were getting too in their head again…
“What do you want from me?” Adonis asked.
“I don’t know.” It shrugged. “Honestly, I kinda want you to loosen up.”
Yeah. A lot of people want that from Adonis. They get told that fairly often.
They don’t know how, and no amount of being told to “just chill out” and “live a little” is actual tangible advice.
Everything was kind of blurry. Like there was a waxy film over Adonis’ eyes.
Fuck, they weren’t gonna cry, were they?
They kind of want to, but it’s not good to cry in front of people. It's just something to be held against them later.
It feels like they can feel every tiny movement in their body right now in a slow wave of pressure over their senses. Every nerve-ending firing, just to pulse softly.
It makes their head spin.
It’s mostly pain, but it’s also a sensation of weight. They feel so heavy. Their body feels like it’s made of lead and they just stand there, staring down at this punk.
It was their fault for going to a punk bar. Punks are known to break down barriers, and Adonis had so, so many barriers.
It felt good to be surrounded by weirdos though. Even just being around Ronnie made their brain feel weird. Like they want to talk, but they’re stopped by their mouth not knowing what to say.
Scratch that, it was more frustrating than not having anything to say.
There was this dull pressure that felt like it was building behind their eyes. Like something was trying to crawl out of their brain but they weren’t letting it.
Adonis wanted to go home.
Ronnie seemed to pick up on that.
“Have you got someone coming to pick you up?” It asked. “If not, I can cover a taxi ride. I’m good for it.”
Adonis just shook their head no.
“I can just walk, it's fine.”
“You sure?”
Ronnie’s voice is halfway to being an accusation.
It says to them ‘Ah, I understand. You are not scared of me. You are scared of you.’
And it's right.
“Yeah.” Adonis nods. “I’d rather walk.”
“Gotcha.” Ronnie nods. “Mind if I walk with you? I’d like to head back to the bar for just a bit.”
Adonis hesitated for a moment before nodding and starting to walk back down the street with Ronnie tagging along behind them.
Adonis was a lot more aware then when the two of them were walking to the shop.
They seemed to notice everything.
From every spot of gum on the pavement to the way the stale air breathes gently out of alley ways as they pass.
They weren’t really soothed by noticing these things, but it’s certainly better than being completely dissociated like some kind of crazy person.
They were a bit crazy.
They look over at Ronnie for a brief moment.
Maybe that was okay.
The two of them go most of the way in silence. This time though, Adonis is the one to break it.
“What’s your deal?” Adonis’ question was a bit quiet, but thankfully Ronnie caught it.
“My deal?” Ronnie smiled. “I’m just some weirdo. Kinda view myself as some kind of shepherd for lost punks. It ain’t much, but it’s honest work.”
Adonis nodded, wanting it to continue.
“I’m in art school right now.” Ronnie stopped to take a sip of its drink. “A lot of my work has to do with how it sucks to have a body.”
Adonis pursed their lips ever so slightly, but it was almost more of a wince.
Might have hit a little too close to home.
Ronnie saw the change in expression.
“It’s difficult, no?” It asked. “Existing, I mean.”
“It…” Adonis’ voice staggered. “It is. It’s really, really difficult.”
“A lot of people I talk to feel that way.”
That was news to Adonis.
They thought everyone else seemed to have it handled and they were just… just some fuck up.
This was weird.
This was a weird feeling.
It’s like hope, but it’s less bitter than it usually is.
It’s not like pressing on a bruise at all.
It wells in their chest and behind their eyes.
“Having a body is a fight for a lot of people.” Ronnie continued. “You have to feed it, and take care of it, and make sure all of its needs are met or it just tortures you...”
It trailed off.
“And sometimes it tortures you anyway.” Adonis spoke, almost surprised that they had said it.
“Yeah.” Ronnie looks at them, a tired, almost sad recognition in its eyes.
As soon as the quiet moment of understanding had happened, it passed.
The feeling of pressure behind Adonis’ eyes lingered.
“What kind of art do you make?”
Talking started to feel a bit easier.
“I’m a ceramicist mainly,” Ronnie smiled. “Though I’ve been branching out lately. One of my professors really stressed the importance of Interdisciplinary work, and I guess I see the appeal, but clay is my first love.”
The word love was always a tough one for Adonis to parse.
They’d never really loved anything that they did. It always seemed to be ruined by the fact that they were the one doing it. Nothing was ever good enough for them.
Nothing they did would ever make up for the fact that it was done by them.
It wasn’t fair, but Adonis did not know how to even begin letting go of it. It was heavy, sure, but there never seemed to be a good place to put it down.
And here was Ronnie, saying its first love was mud and that it did things it was bad at for the joy of being bad at a thing.
Ronnie was weird, but that was okay with Adonis. It certainly seemed to be okay with being weird.
“And what of you?” Ronnie asked. “You kind of dodged the question before.”
“Sorry about that.” Adonis said, slightly sheepish but not having any explanation. “I kind of just go to classes. Not anything exciting.”
“Gotcha.” Ronnie nodded. “Do you know what you’re majoring in?”
Adonis shook their head.
Not knowing what they wanted to do was an overarching issue in their life. They just kind of wait around for things to happen.
The only time they really did something they felt good about was working with the school to get their siblings okayed to be in the dorms.
Their dorm room was cramped now, with the four single beds.
It was better than a lab though.
Anything was better than the lab.
Their mother was very particular.
Adonis didn’t want to think about her right now…
“You just getting core classes out of the way then?” It asked, raising its can back to its lips.
Adonis nodded.
“That’s fair.”
The lull in the conversation left the two of the walking in silence for a moment. It was actually nice. Gave Adonis a bit of time to process in between thoughts.
Adonis looked out of the corner of their vision at it, focusing on the hand around the can.
Its wrist was covered in lots of colorful kandi bracelets and even more scars.
Scarring was always kind of beautiful to Adonis. It was a reminder that things can change.
Ronnie had history, that much was clear, but it also had joy.
Such extreme joy, in spite of its obvious pain.
It made the smallest hint of a smile tug at Adonis’ lips.
Maybe there is hope in this after all…
“The bar does events like this one every other Thursday.” Ronnie gestures in the direction they’re walking, its drink sloshing just a bit at the movement. “You should come.”
Adonis swallowed dryly.
Really? It wanted them to come back?
That was… Well that just hasn’t happened before.
They didn’t really know what to do.
Adonis ends up quiet for a while, the two of them beginning to close in on the bar.
“I think I’d like that.” Adonis spoke, a little unsure. “I mean, if that’s okay...”
Ronnie smiled, pleased with the answer.
“Hell yeah it’s okay!” It said, clearly happy with the answer.
“Okay.” Adonis mumbled, nodding.
Ronnie looked genuinely excited as it stared up at Adonis with its dark brown eyes.
Adonis’ body prickled at the sensation of being not only looked at, but actually seen.
It was a complicated feeling. Made them feel simultaneously vulnerable and safe. That probably didn’t make any sense…
Adonis swallowed again, their mouth suddenly full of saliva.
The two of them are stopped outside the venue, which seemed to be even more crowded than it had been as they were leaving.
Adonis is kind of glad they got out when they did. Still, looking into the space and knowing Ronnie was going in, they wanted to join it.
Living was happening in there.
There was that lingering fear of looking into the building, but it’d lost a lot of power.
God, so much has happened tonight.
Despite that desire to join, Adonis felt like they’d done all the living they wanted to for the night.
“Alright,” Ronnie says, starting up the steps to the venue. “See you when I see you.”
“Yeah.” Adonis starts walking down the street away from the bar.
They feel so heavy as they walk, like their feet are buried deep in something.
They could stop and turn around now. Follow Ronnie back in. Maybe that would be weird, since they were already on their way home.
“And send me a message when you get home, alright?”
Ronnie’s voice made Adonis perk up just a bit.
They turned back to see it stopped halfway up the stairs.
The sky is starting to lighten at the far edge with the very beginning of a sunrise.
There seems to be a subtle glow to the street that it hadn’t had in the darkness of night, even with the street lights.
What few stars were visible were just on the cusp of disappearing back into the sky.
It was kind of beautiful.
“Yeah,” Adonis spoke, suddenly a little breathless. “I will.”
They watch as Ronnie turns and goes back into the venue, the little black tail on its belt buckle swishing from side to side as it passes through the doorway and is once again consumed by the blue-green light.
Adonis just stood, watching as it disappeared beyond the entrance of the building.
It was a bittersweet moment, but it was mostly sweet.
Sweet like wild berries. Maybe diet coke.
Their brain was so fried that it didn’t even have the energy to rag on Adonis like it usually did.
They just started walking, largely tuning out the outside world.
It’d only be a thirty or so minute walk from when they’d be far enough out of the city to start to fly. From there, it wouldn’t be that long.
Maybe it should’ve taken it up on a ride…
There was always next time.
Next time… What a novel thought…
Thoughts just seem to slide in and out of focus, but Adonis isn’t fighting it right now. They’re tired.
They had to be there to make Theo and Trinity breakfast. It was a bit of a chore, but they’d be lying if they said it didn’t make them happy.
Theo was picky but predictable and Trinity would eat anything. It was honestly the one thing Adonis never felt like they could fuck up. At least not too badly.
They’re walking for some time before they feel the slightest chill of soured air.
There’s the prickly sense of danger that Adonis knows so well…
They focused back in, looking around and trying to figure out why their body has its guard up.
There was an alley way to Adonis’ left.
It was only vaguely familiar to them.
Adonis felt like the things that happened earlier that night were so far away, like they didn’t even happen, but the soreness they felt in their shoulder tells them otherwise.
They just stood there, looking down into the darkness.
What were they looking for?
Movement? Blood? A body?
Some sign that anything out of the ordinary happened in this space?
Did they want to see that mugger again? Make sure whoever they had harmed was okay?
Maybe they were expecting to see themself? Like some kind of ghost of the person they’d been at the beginning of the night.
They feel so distant from that person now, which was odd, as next to nothing had actually happened to them tonight.
Maybe they just wanted it all to mean something.
That was a fair thing to want, wasn’t it?
It wasn’t too selfish?
The brick walls and dumpsters didn’t do anything to answer them.
People pass them on either side, going out for the morning and getting in from nights well lived.
Nobody pays them any mind.
Adonis took a deep breath.
It honestly didn't matter.
And then they turned and started walking home.