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Comedy Gold or Embarrassing Flop? Exy’s Palmetto State Foxes Attempt to Clean Up Their Public Image by Participating in Viral Online Trend
13 HR AGO ៴
By Emilee Colter
🗨17 🔗
Unless you’ve been living under a rock lately, you’ve probably seen a video (or thirty) of the trend most recently sweeping the Internet by storm. Known colloquially as the “Trauma candy salad” trend, participants bring a candy of their choosing and dump it into a shared bowl while they share something traumatizing from their past. The videos can range from light-hearted and funny to downright concerning, but one recent viral iteration of the trend takes the cake: the Palmetto State Exy team has posted a version of their own to their sporadically active TikTok account, one that can only be described as bizarre. In the rare case you somehow haven’t seen the aptly-dubbed PR nightmare as it steadily continues to gain views, we have helpfully attached a full transcript below, as well as a link to the video itself (if the link doesn’t work, just assume it’s been taken down—we’re surprised it hasn’t been already!)
You can view the video for yourself here. [Full hyperlink: https://www.tiktok.com/@PSUFoxesExy/5227790403233244015]
[Video opens on a vertical shot of the Palmetto State University Exy Foxes’ home locker room, a wooden table taking up the lower third of the screen. The team has formed a line in the middle of the shot, with Coach David Wymack in the front, holding a large glass bowl and scowling at the camera. He’s wearing a white wife-beater that shows off the flame tattoos wrapping his arms.]
Wymack: All right. [Heavy sigh] I can’t believe I let you idiots talk me into this. [Incoherent]
Danielle Wilds [off-screen]: Come on, Coach! Just like we practiced. One and done.
Wymack: And you promise this will make us more appealing to fans?
Kevin Day [off-screen]: Like you’ve ever cared about that.
Wymack: Careful, Day. I can still make you run a marathon.
Neil Josten [off-screen]: I volunteer, Coach!
Wymack: I know, Josten.
Wilds: Coach.
Wymack: Fine. [Steps forward and raises the bowl] Hi. I’m Coach Wymack, and I was forced to retire early from a career-ending hip injury, and now I’m stuck coaching these losers. I brought the bowl. [Sets it on the wooden table; it makes a heavy noise and wobbles before falling still. Wymack exits the screen, revealing Danielle Wilds behind him wearing a white crop top and a pleated orange skirt.]
Wilds: [Steps forward with a bright smile] I’m Dan, and I’m the Captain of what Exy fans lovingly call ‘the worst team in Division I Exy’. [Eyes slide to the Championship trophy gleaming inconspicuously in the background of the video, and her smile morphs into a sneer.] And I brought the Skittles! [Holds the open bag of Skittles above the bowl before upending it and letting the candy fall in. A few pieces bounce back out and are ignored. Wilds steps off-screen, and Matt Boyd takes her place. His hair is buzzed and he’s wearing a PSU hoodie and jeans.]
Boyd: Hey, everyone! I’m Matt, and my father’s first reaction to seeing my best friend’s facial scars was to recommend him a good plastic surgeon, and I brought the Twizzlers. [Brandishes a bag of bite-sized Twizzlers and dumps it unceremoniously into the bowl before leaving the shot. Renee Walker steps forward, hair its usual rainbow and dressed in a modest light blue blouse and knee-length white skirt.]
Nicky Hemmick [off-screen]: Twizzlers are nasty, man.
Wilds [off-screen]: Nobody said you had to eat them, Nicky.
Boyd [off-screen]: Guys, chill. It’s Renee’s turn.
Walker: Thank you, Matt. Hello! I’m Renee, and I once killed a man in self-defense. [It is important to note here that Walker is completely composed, smiling sweetly and speaking in her usual soft tone.] I brought the Smarties. [The candy joins the rest in the bowl.]
[Voices overlap in the background. It is hard to make out individual words.]
Hemmick [off-screen]: Andrew, did you know about that?
[An. Minyard’s response is lost in the chaos. Walker remains calm on-screen. She adds her Smarties to the bowl and steps aside, revealing Allison Reynolds behind her. Reynolds is wearing a bright pink top and a white miniskirt, and she is not smiling.]
Reynolds: I’m Allison, and my boyfriend was murdered by an asshole with anger issues. I brought sour Skittles. [She scowls at the bowl as she dumps her bag of Skittles in.]
Wilds [off-screen]: Guys, this was supposed to be light-hearted.
Hemmick [off-screen]: Maybe you should’ve had us send you our ideas to make sure they were up to your standards before we started.
Wilds [off-screen]: Whatever. Keep going.
[Reynolds steps off-screen, still glaring, and Hemmick replaces her. He’s wearing a white skin-tight t-shirt and exercise shorts.]
Hemmick: What’s up, guys! I’m Nicky, and I grew up gay in an extremely religious household, and my parents forced me to do conversion therapy. It didn’t work, obviously. [Winks at the screen and someone gags in the background.] Shut it, Aaron. I brought the gummy worms. [Tips the bag into the bowl and exits the screen with one last wink, revealing Aaron Minyard standing behind him wearing an orange PSU hoodie and grey sweatpants.]
Aa. Minyard: My name is Aaron, and one time, my twin brother and my mother went on a drive, and only one of them returned.
An. Minyard [off-screen]: And it wasn’t the one he wanted to see.
Wilds [off-screen]: Andrew!
Aa. Minyard: I brought the M&Ms. [Dumps the M&Ms into the bowl without showing them to the screen and exits. An. Minyard takes his place. He’s dressed in all black.]
An. Minyard: I brought the candy cigarettes.
Wilds [off-screen]: You’re supposed to say your name.
An. Minyard: I’m Andrew, and I brought the candy cigarettes.
Hemmick [off-screen]: That isn’t even real candy.
Wilds [off-screen]: Andrew, were you even listening when I explained this? You have to say one traumatizing thing from your past.
An. Minyard: [Raises an eyebrow] Just one?
Wilds [off-screen, sounding extremely exasperated]: Andrew.
An. Minyard: [Large sigh] Fine. I’m Andrew, the cooler twin, and I have an unfortunate thing for gingers with zero self-preservation skills.
Aa. Minyard [off-screen]: Gross.
Hemmick [off-screen]: Aaron, you’re literally dating a redhead.
[On-screen, An. Minyard dumps a single box of candy cigarettes into the bowl of candy, face expressionless. He steps to the side without a word to reveal Kevin Day, who is dressed in a black t-shirt and orange PSU sweatpants.]
Reynolds [off-screen]: Why did you even come if you didn’t want to participate?
An. Minyard [off-screen]: Bee suggested it would be therapeutic.
Josten [off-screen]: I asked him to.
[A chorus of understanding noises is heard. Day chooses that moment to step toward the camera. He nearly loses his balance, but quickly rights himself by bracing a hand on the edge of the table.]
Day: [Speech slightly slurred] You all probably know who I am, but if you somehow don’t, I’m Kevin Day, and my mom died when I was nine years old, and I brought grapes. [He holds up an honest-to-God bag of green grapes and is about to dump them into the bowl when An. Minyard reappears and grabs his forearm.]
An. Minyard: I will not let you ruin the sanctity of the trauma candy salad with that healthy shit.
Day: [After failing to shake An. Minyard’s grip] Grapes are high in sugar! They’re like nature’s candy.
An. Minyard: The prompt was candy, Day, not nature’s junk. Move along, now. It’s Neil’s turn, and I for one can’t wait to see what he’s cooked up for us.
[An. Minyard releases Day’s arm and leaves the screen. Day stands frozen for a moment in contemplation before sighing and following An. Minyard off-screen with his bag of grapes clutched to his chest, sneaking a hand in and popping one into his mouth. Josten appears behind him and takes a hesitant step forward. He’s wearing an orange PSU hoodie and orange exercise shorts.]
Josten: I’m Neil Abram Josten, and I had to burn my mother’s body on a beach after she was killed by my father while we were running from him. I brought Red Hots. [He lifts the bag and tips the candy into the bowl.]
Hemmick [off-screen]: I shouldn’t be surprised that he would like those.
Boyd [off-screen]: Neil, buddy, I say this with love: what is wrong with you.
An. Minyard [off-screen]: Did you not hear? He has mommy issues.
Aa. Minyard [off-screen]: Most of us have mommy issues, but you don’t see anyone else bringing fucking Red Hots to the trauma candy salad.
Reynolds [off-screen]: At least he didn’t bring chocolate candy when Dan clearly told us to bring fruity and hard candies.
Aa. Minyard [off-screen]: M&Ms have a hard shell!
Josten: Kevin literally brought grapes. Leave my Red Hots alone; at least they’re candy.
Hemmick [off-screen]: Barely.
[Josten stares straight into the camera like he’s starring in The Office. Wilds joins him on-screen and gives her best media smile.]
Wilds: That’s everyone! Thanks for watching, and don’t forget to come see us play once the season starts!
Reynolds [off-screen]: Dan, we can’t post this.
[Wilds leans in, presumably to end the video, and it freezes on a close-up of her face.]
There you have it, folks! A messy, chaotic, slightly disturbing video airing out all (or, at least, some) of the dirty laundry of your very own Palmetto State Foxes. It raises so many questions that we’re honestly a little scared to know the answers to. Maybe next time, a trend like this would be more suited for our friends, the USC Trojans. With a nickname like the Sunshine Court, how bad could their own attempt realistically be?
🗨17 🔗
Comments
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User_4566
46 minutes ago
This… makes a lot of things make sense, actually.
👍6👎
Exy_Centric
2 hours ago
I’ve watched this video like a dozen times. It terrifies me. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I hope they never take it down.
👍2👎
Kevin_Day’s_Number_2_Fan
17 minutes ago
is Kevin drunk rn???
👍1👎