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“Jake baba ka na Miguel wants us to go na”
Narinig ni Jake ang tawag sa kanya ng mommy niya and hastily turned off his laptop and his airpods. Agad din siyang bumaba sa living room nila and was greeted by his little brother who went on his side jumping in excitement.
“Kuya new collection of toys. Jurassic World naman ngayon”
“Uhuh, your collection is getting really out of hand” said Jake as he patted Miguel’s head.
His dad was the one driving. Nasa passenger seat siya while his mom and Miguel are sitting at the back. The car ride to Mcdo was filled with MIguel’s excited voice talking about all the dinosaurs he can name. His mom would enthusiastically answer to his brother and his dad’s hum made the space comfortable.
“We’re here na!”
As soon as Jake left the car. He fished his airpods out linking it to his phone and opened his spotify. Scrolling through his playlist trying to find any song that he feels like listening to. Over October? Cup of Joe? Post Malone? He doesn’t really know.
The next thing he knows, naka upo na siya with his dad while his mom and Miguel are already ordering. Still no music to listen and divert his attention to as he aimlessly scroll through his phone.
As he clicked on the song he had finally chosen, he diverted his head from his phone and to his front. And fuck this song and fuck him. He can recognize that smile from miles away, his heart recognizes the prettiest smile he once laid his eyes on. Jake took a deep breath still looking at the very guy he hoped not to see anymore, hoped not to think, hoped not to meet. The lingering pain came back together with the memories he tried his best to suppress.
Evan, how cruel can you really be?
Jake did not even feel the presence of his mom and younger brother until Miguel laid out the toys they got in front of him. He would’ve been stuck in trance if it weren’t for his brother's tug and the quiet scream of his name.
“Kuya, I got three toys. I’ll give you one” Miguel warmly told his brother, lending the other toy his kuya. Jake accepted it, uttering a single thank you.
The music, the place, and the toy reminded him of what love once felt like. What a dream once looked like.
“Mahal, bigay mo to kay Miguel. Diba kulang nalang ng isa toy Sonic Collection niya? Ito oh si Shadow” Evan said handing out the toy to Jake, smiling at the younger softly.
“He will be so happy, Mahal ko. Thank you po” Jake said as he engulfed the older in a tight hug.
Anywhere with the older is literally the best place for Jake. So it really doesn’t matter where they will be on a date. Hindi mahalaga kung nasa karenderia lang sila ni Aling Rosa, masarap naman ang sisig with egg at napaka cold na mountain dew nila. Ayos lang din kung nasa harap lang sila ng fishballan ni Kuya Tepen, solid ang sawsawan dun. Walang malisya kung nasa damuhan lang sila sa gilid ng sapa at tanging tig 120 pesos na pizza mula sa Juicy Pizza Place, dalawang piattos, isang litro ng coke at tubig lang ang meron sila.
Kasi ang mahalaga kasama niya si Evan.
Hindi kailanman iniisip ni Jake ang pagkakaiba ng halaga ng regalong binigay nila sa isa’t isa. Hindi alintana ang kaibahan para kay Jake ang presyo ng isang Nike Air na binigay niya sa nobyo at ang singsing na mula sa shopee na niregalo para sa kanya. He wore it on his ring finger bearing the promise of love Evan gave him. Hindi na niya iniisip kung gaano kalaki ang bouquete ng iba kumpara sa pinitas na mga bulaklak ni Evan para sa kanya. Masaya si Jake na suotin ang inorder ng nakakatandang helmet para sa kanya kasi motor lang ang meron si Evan. Masaya siyang kayakap ang nobyo sa gitna ng malamig na hampas ng hangin, ng mundo.
Kasi nakikita niya ang pagsisikap, nararamdaman niya ang pagmamahal.
Kuntento na si Jake sa magkahawak nilang kamay sa loob ng simbahan habang may misa. Kuntento sa siopao asado ng 7/11 at bibingka pagkatapos ng misa. Kuntetong humiling sa kandilang binili nilang tig lima para hilingin na sana, sana habang buhay na sila kasama ang mga planong balang araw.
Balang araw sa iisang bubong habang sabay na tinutupad ang mga pangarap.
“Pasensya na, Mahal. Tapusin ko lang to malapit na mag closing” Bulong ni Evan kay Jake na nakaupo sa pinaka sulok na upuan sa loob ng Mcdo. Jake nodded with his understanding smile finishing the fries and the mcflurry served by the older.
Jake understands the situation of his boyfriend kaya nga he wants to be supportive as possible. So a little waiting will never bother him. Evan will never be a bother.
“Sorry, Mahal, ang tagal mong nag intay. Hatid na kita sa inyo, hm?” ani ni Evan leaning and kissing the younger’s foreheads na nakaupo sa kanyang motor.
“It’s okay po, I love you” Jake pulled the older man closer to him. Cupping the older’s face and planting a soft peck on his lips.
“Mahal na mahal din kita”
They once shared a dream. Na dadating yung araw na hindi na kailangan ibaba ni Evan si Jake isang kanto mula sa bahay nito kasi hindi sila legal. Hindi na kailangan mag date sa malalayong mall o kainan para hindi mahuli. Inasam ni Evan na dadating ang araw na hindi na kailangan ni Jake magtiis sa mabigat na helmet at mausok na daan dahil motor lang ang meron siya. At ang tanging hangad lang ni Evan ay sila na, habangbuhay. Marahil nabuo ang pagmamahalan nila dahil sa pangarap, sa pangarap nilang mabuting buhay at kinabukasan.
Kasi hindi nakakatakot mangarap hanggat magkasama sila.
Siguro nga tama sila that all inconveniences will never be an inconvenience kapag mahal mo ang tao. You make an exception to the person you love because they will always be different from everyone else. They will make the world slow down and at the same time make it move faster. You’ll never realize how long it has been until you looked over your left hand to check the time and realized it was time to part ways.
“Then share your burden with me kasi I will always be here for you. Don’t leave me in the corner while you’re enduring everything alone, Evan” Jake wasn’t supposed to cry because it was supposed to be a happy day. A happy date.
“J-jake kasi masyadong mabigat na ‘to. Hindi na pwede” Gustong gusto mang punasan ni Evan ang mga luha ni Jake ngunit pati ang kanyang mga kamay tila’y pagod na rin. Pagod na pagod na si Evan sa laban ng buhay.
“Hindi mo kasi maiintindihan–”
“Ipaintindi mo because I will understand. I always understand”
Could this day get any worse? Because why is he begging the older one not to break up with him when this was supposed to be one of those days. Why are they arguing when they should have been kissing by now? Tangina, Jake swore he always understands pero bakit ang hirap intindihin ang meron sila ngayon? Bakit hindi alam ni Jake ang sagot sa mga tanong na meron sila sa relasyon ngayon?
“Hindi ko to gusto pero kailangan. Mahal, sige na–”
“Kailangan? Don’t make me feel na sa lahat ng meron ka ako ang ka wala-wala sayo. Because I want you, I want us, more than anything in the world.” Jake harshly wiped his tears away. He loves the older so dearly that he doesn’t understand. Hindi na kayang umintindi ni Jake.
“Sa lahat ng meron ako ikaw ang pinaka minamahal ko. At sa lahat ng pwede kong bitawan ikaw ang pinaka ayoko. P-pero kasi kung hindi tayo bibitaw ngayon mas sasakit, mas hihirap, mas hindi natin maiintindihan” Evan who was holding his tears finally broke down as he pulled the younger one towards his chest. “Alam ng Diyos kung gaano kita ka mahal p-pero mas pipiliin kong mawala ka kesa masira kita”
“Hindi mo kasalanan. Wala kang kasalanan. Wag mo kong iwan, please”
But Evan just had to. Hindi pwedeng madawit si Jake sa kung ano man ang problema niya. Hindi dapat kasali si Jake sa kaputanginahan ng buhay na binigay sa kanya. Hindi kasalanan ni Jake na mahirap sila, na kailangan niyang pagsabayin ang pag-aaral at pagtatrabaho upang may pang tustus ang pamilya nila. Hindi kasalanan ni Jake na nabuntis ng maaga ang batang kapatid niya, at hindi kasalanan ni Jake na kritikal ang kalagayan ng tatay niya sa ospital. Dahil buong buhay na ata ni Evan nasa ilalim siya at hindi niya kaya na pati si Jake ay masama sa kanya.
Siya na lang ang lalayo, ang bibitaw. Siya naman kasi talaga ang duwag sa kanilang dalawa ni Jake. Siyang ang kahit anong pangarap ang meron siya alam na niyang hindi niya ito maabot. Kahit anong gustuhin niyang tumaas ay patuloy siyang hihilahin ng buhay pababa. Kaya tama lang naman diba? Tama lang na hindi na madamay si Jake. Ayos nang siya lang, wag na ang pinakamamahal niya.
Walang kwenta ang bente pesos sa loob ng pitaka niya sa dami ng bayarin niya. Hindi mabubusog si Jake dahil bente lang meron siya at kailangan pa niyang hatiin para sa pamilya. Walang kinabukasan si Jake kung susugal ito sa isang katulad niyang kinawawa ng mundo.
Kaya tama lang na tama na.
Hangad ni Evan na makita muli si Jake lalo’t isang taon na ang nakalipas, kahit anong hangad ng loob niya alam ng isip niya na hindi pwede. Siya ang nang-iwan, siya ang nanakit. Alam na ni Evan ang limitasyon niya, alam na niya ang dulo na kung hanggang saan lang siya. Mahal na mahal niya pa rin si Jake. Siguro sa lahat ng hinangad at pinangarap niya kasama si Jake noon, tanging pagmamahal lang sa nakababata ang kaya niyang tuparin.
He laughed at himself nang ma realize niya ang kanilang sitwasyon. Alam niya sa sarili na kailanman hinding hindi siya nababagay umupo sa tabi ni Jake kasama ang pamilya nito. Hanggang dito lang talaga siya, magseserve ng order nito, habang titig na titig sa mukha ng pinakamamahal niya.
Jake still looks like all the dreams Evan once had. Sa sobrang ganda ang hirap abutin at gawing reyalidad.
Huminga siya ng malalim at hinanda ang sarili. Kahit labag sa damdamin kailangan niyang ngumiti, kailangan niyang gawin ang trabaho niya. Kinuha niya ang isang tray ng order at dahan-dahang lumapit sa table ng pamilya ni Jake. Kahit masakit, kahit nakakadurog, kahit nakakamatay. Kahit gusto na niyang tumakbo nung nagtama ang paningin nila ni Jake, patuloy siyang ngumiti.
“Ma’am, Sir, here’s your order”