Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was the untimely end of the Rave’N dance, the entire student body sat coated in pigsblood. Eugene had only moments ago watched as the hyde’s cave was blown up before a second bright light enveloped him. Not just him but many others; living, dead, and undecided.

“What the actual F!” Enid screamed as they all came to. 

“It would appear that we are in a theater.”

“Yeah, but how, Wednesday.”

Wednesday tuned to a group of people that the Jericho residents were unfamiliar with, barring the recognizable Gomez and Morticia Addams. Specifically her firesome glare landed on a tiny old woman who could only properly be described as ratty. She looked like she had been living in a cellar or attic for nearly a hundred years.

“Grandmama?”

“The ancestors, Wednesday. They warned of a great trouble in your future.” Then she locked her eyes onto a rather terrified Tyler, “And of a boy, what a handsome one Wednesday. The blood suits you.”

“...Thanks?” Tyler says. His heart is pounding a bit. It’s one thing to meet your maybe-more-than friends parents, but it's a whole other thing to meet the grandparents (especially when your master just told you that the girl of your dreams is the next mark)

“It's not real.” Wednesday said, her monotone snapping Tyler from his minor panic.

“Nothing you can't fix, my devil-spawn.” 

Tyler felt somewhat intrigued, especially at the little smirk that crossed Wednesday’s normally straight face.

“So what exactly do your…ancestors…want?” Enid squeaked. This whole thing was creepy. She tucked herself further into Ajax, who was all too happy to oblige. 

“Were going to watch some movies. And television.”

“About what mama?” Morticia asked her mother–in-law.

“About us. Now I was given specific instructions here. We are to start with four movies about our family back when the kids were younger, one just called “The Addams Family”, and the second is called ‘Addams Family Values”, confusingly 2 more called “The Addams Family” and “The Addams Family 2”. After that we are to watch 2 seasons of “Wednesday”, followed by watching 2 seasons of “The Addams Family”, which are supposed to be just home movies of our family back when the kids were in elementary school. Eventually were supposed to go back to watching “Wednesday” once the ancestors have collected the necessary film for it.”

“Thats quite a long time to be stuck here.” Grandmama Frump said.

“Yes, so lets get a move on. Come sit down everyone” Morticia called.

“Hold up dearie, specific seating positions have been arranged. Tyler is to sit with Wednesday. Thing will sit next to her as well.”

Xavier scoffed and Tyler smirked, leading Wednesday to sit next to him.

Grandmama Addams continued “Ajax and Enid are to sit together, Enid must sit by Wednesday.” Enid squealed at that. “Lurch, Morticia, Gomez, Fester, Debbie and Donovan will all sit in the row behind the fresh meat.”

Donovan’s lip curled, not just at sitting by those weird Addams folk, but for his son being called fresh meat by one of the weirdos. 

“The row behind them will be for Xavier, Bianca, Divina, Kent, Yoko, and Lucas. In the row behind them Weems and Capri will sit together, and on opposite ends of them will be Grandmama Frump and I. The farthest row is for Itt, Margaret, What, When, Why, Where, and Who. If Margeret gives birth to How during this, there's an extra seat ready for it.”

“Grandmama?” Pugsley asked.

“Oh, I almost forgot, they said for Pugsley, Pubert, Agnes, and Eugene to sit on the carpet in front of Wednesday. As for the menagerie of Pets, they are to sit off to the side.."

“Who are all of these people, Wednesday?” Enid and Tyler asked in unison.

“You know my parents and Pugsley, those are obviously my grandmamas, in the back is my cousin Itt and his normie wife Margerette, along with their children; what, who, when, where, why. How is ready to burst. Lurch is our butler. The bald lunatic is Uncle Fester.” Donavan leaned away from the man next to him. “The blonde normie is his equally psychotic wife, Aunt Debbie.” 

“Is she psychotic because of the clothes?” Tyler asked, looking at the pastels the woman wore. Very out of place for an Addams.

“Well yes,” Enid looked offended, “but also because she's murdered all her ex husbands.”

Donovan scoffed, "It's always you Addams. Tyler, I don't care where you're sitting, keep as much distance from that girl as you can. She’s rotten and you're gonna get hurt.”

Tyler couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the irony. After all, barely an hour ago Thornhill had instructed him to protect Wednesday until it was time to harvest her. Unfortunately, he was the one who would hurt her. He looked over at her by his side. She looked beautiful covered in blood, at the very least.

Wednesday carried on, “And the toddler is my youngest brother, Pubert Addams. Then the lion is our family pet, Kitty Kat. Isolde and Tristan are our piranhas. The buzzard is Mr. B. Ali and Snappy are our family Alligators. Butcher is Pugsley’s mutated dog. Zelda is mother’s vulture and Muerto is Uncle Festers. The blue octopus is Ocho, he's a family pet as well, but the rest are mine. The red octopus is Socrates, and the other one is Aristotle. Homer is my spider. Nero is my scorpion. And Lucifer is my lizard.”

“Jesus.” Donovan said, looking at all the outrageous animals. The Addams family was certainly rich, and he would bet that none of it was acquired through honest means.

Bianca and Xavier both rolled their eyes. Bianca couldn’t even begin to imagine that kind of wealth, no she had to make it on her own these past years. Xavier could help it, she had called him an elitist snob but look at how much her family’s wealth can support and still match his own in status. If his own father tried to support three children, an assortment of expensive pets, as well as the external family then they would perhaps be middle class.

Tyler felt conflicted. On one hand, it was on par for Wednesday, of course she’d have weird pets. He loved her kooky and spooky and gloom. He smiled down at her, wanting to peck her plump lips. On the other hand, wasn't this just what he was fighting against. These outcast’s got it all. They were rich snobs. They turned his mother away, they're the reason she’s dead. That's what Laurel had told him. The corners of his lips strained to go down, but he needed to uphold that loving smile for just a second more, even as it was quickly turning fake.

Before anyone could stew further the screen turned on.

Chapter Text

Carolers are gathered singing “Deck the Halls.” standing outside a large mansion, with a dead wreath on the door. 

Tyler ducks his head down to Wednesday's ear “Is that your house.”

“Yes, Tyler.” She said, ignoring the chill running down her spine. She had yet to determine if it was a good type of chill or not.

The music became somewhat eerie as a young Wednesday and Pugsley were revealed, leaning over the edge of the roof.

Enid squealed so loud it startled Ajax, “O.M.G Wednesday, is that you? You’re so adorable.”

Wednesday sighed. Morticia spoke up, a smile in her voice, “Yes that was Wednesday, back when she was, oh, 10. Pugsley must have been about 8.”

“Yes, but he was always a large boy. Ever since they were little Wednesday has had to look up at him.” Gomez laughed a bit, knowing his daughter was absolutely livid.

Tyler thought the pouting was cute, but he knew better than to say as much.

The camera now moved up a little further and revealed Gomez and Morticia sharing a moment while Grandmama Adams and Lurch began to tip a boiling cauldron over onto the carolers.

“Well now we know where she gets it from.” Bianca snarked. She kind of liked Wednesday now, but she could still recognize the girl was off her rocker. Plus being next to Xavier so soon after the unspeakable thing he asked of her, well you can't blame her for not being in the best mood.

Eventually the smoke from the cauldron cleared and revealed a dusty cuckoo clock, in which a replica of Gomez leans down to kiss the bosom of his Morticia.

Many people couldn’t help but laugh. Tyler winced, “Yeah, I don’t know how I would feel growing up with that in my house.’

“Sex is perfectly natural, Tyler. And despite the fact that my parents certainly behave like animals in heat, I would still prefer to have them as parents rather than the type who pretend it does not exist.”

Tyler turned a little red.

Enid, with a scared look on her face, asked “Is that Pusley hanging you in the window.”

“Yes.” 

Enid didn’t know why she expected anything different.

Thing crawled out from behind the clock, cracked his knuckles, before jumping down to travel down the hallway. He stopped as he passed by Gomez standing in a doorway. 

“Think of it, Thing. For 25 years we’ve attempted to contact Fester in the Great Beyond and for 25 years…nothing.”

“I’m sorry, am I sitting next to a corpse.” Donovan exclaimed.

“No, Fester is mostly alive.” Gomez responded. His statement did nothing to calm the sheriff.

“I thought he was around when you were a kid.” Tyler asked.

“We use dog years for Uncle Fester, for us he had only been missing about 4.”

“Yeah, cause that sounds normal.’

“I’m beginning to think my brother truly is lost.”

Thing tugs on Gomez’s silk pants, and leads him away from the doorway.

The scene changes and we now see a young Wednesday.

“And how did you acquire those signs, Addams.”

Wednesday glared, “I know my fifth amendment, Mr. Galpin.” 

Muffled noises can be heard behind the camera.

“Don’t be a baby. I know what I’m doing”

The mumbling gets louder as Wednesday lifts up a crossbow.

Ajax’s eyes get very big, “Uhmm. Wednesday, what are you doing?”

“Playing.”

Pugsley is revealed as the muffled screamer, tied up with an apple stuffed in his mouth.

Wednesday releases the arrow straight into Pugsley’s mouth.

“I guess that’s where she got her archery skill.” Xavier mumbled.

The camera returned to Gomez and Thing as they entered the master bedroom. Morticia's face is shown as she sleeps gracefully. 

“Look at her. I would die for her. I would kill for her.”

Donovan lets out a humorless chuckle, “Oh, I know you would.” Morticia glares down at the Sheriff.

“Either way, what bliss!”

Morticia blinks up at Gomez.

“Unhappy, darling?” He asks.

She smiles, “Oh yes. Yes completely.”

She caresses his face. The sun pours in through the window as she shield her face from it. Her plant also seems to abhor the sun.

“Gomez, the sun. Il me perce comme un poignard.”

Tyler silently turns to Wednesday. She scoffs as she meets his eyes, “Il me perce comme un poignard. It means ‘It pierces me as a dagger.’” Tyler watched as her lips curled so eloquently around the French vowels.

“Oh, Tish, that’s French.”

“Oui.”

“Cara mia.” He presses a deep kiss into her hand, “En garde, monsieur Soleil.” Pulling out his rapier to close the blinds.

“Gomez?”

“Querida.”

“Do you speak French and Spanish?” Tyler asks.

Wednesday gives him that look she always does, that makes him feel like he said something wildly stupid, how he loves it. “Of course I do, Tyler.” Yeah, he was storing that away in the depths of his mind, like a mouseketool that can help him later.

“Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again.”

“Ewwww.” Enid’s face scrunched up. “But also, may this love, like, so find me.”

Ajax smiled at her, ducking down for a kiss.

The scene shifted again, now showing Lurch holding a bag with some living creature squealing and wiggling inside it. Wednesday and Pugsley grab the bags.

“Thank you, Lurch.”

Pugsley peaks into his own back, which growls at him.

The children head off to school while their parents are on one of the balconies. Gomez is playing gold, hitting birds down.

Thing is playing the roll of the tee as Gomez sends the golf ball through the neighbor’s window.

“Damn you, Addams!” The man yells, drenched in his cereal and milk.

“Sorry about the window, Judge. Keep the ball, I have a whole bucketful.” He calls back, picking up said bucket.

“You moron.”

Donovan just might like at least one person in this dreadful home movie.

Morticia is now cutting the heads off of her roses as Gomez and Thing play chess.

“It is a milestone, Tish. This very night, our 25th seance.”

“To be clear, that's a seance every month and a half.” Tyler asked, only to receive Wednesday’s fiery gaze, “Understood. Stupid question.”

“All those years, gnawed by guilt, undone by woe, burning with uncertainty.”

“Don’t torture yourself Gomez. That’s my job.”

Tyler inhaled deeply, straining himself to not look over at the girl who looked so gorgeous drenched in red. His hyde was certainly becoming a stronger personality trait.

“Oh, Tish.”

“Imagine, darling, if Fester did come back. Half alive, barely human, a rotting shell.”

“Back as I was before.” The bald man chucked, disturbing Donovan beside him.

“Don’t tease.”

Two normies began walking up to the gates, one of whom appeared to be Margaret. Both of them seemed overly disturbed to be entering onto the Addam’s family estate. The gate shut on the man, causing him to yelp in pain.

“Stop it, I’m warning you.” He yelled at it.

Thing snapped twice and pointed to two out the window.

“Look, darling. Tully is here.” Morticia told her Gomez. 

“Tully!” Gomez stood up in excitement.

“Romping with Gate.”

“Is the gate alive?” Kent asked, Divina slapped him on the harm before realizing the question was pretty valid.

“Undecided.” Pugsley yelled back. Eugene and Agnes pulled away from him a bit.

“These are your last paying clients, may I remind you.”

“Oh, it’s so strange to see myself back then. Still with him.” Margaret nuzzled into Itt.

“If it gives you pleasure.”

“Something has to. Like a decent coat, something dressy, for evening.” She runs up to him, “Ask for a loan, beg.”

“No loans. I am not a bum. Don’t say it. I'll get the money. I have a plan.”

Margaret sighs, exhausted. “This is all so humiliating. Why did I marry you.”

“Because I said yes.”

The scene shifts to inside the house. Margaret’s voice is heard, however she is off screen. “I am here to see Mrs. Addams about the charity auction.”

Tully steps onto the polar bear rug which growls and bites his ankle. “Stop! Let go!”

He looks up to find a creepy painting of a young Fester holding a candle, which extinguishes itself. He steps into another room, closing the double doors. Within a second the rapier comes flying at his head and embeds itself in the door.

“Ah! Missed!” Gomez yells.

“What’s that?” Tully calls back, distracting Gomez as he chucks his briefcase at him.

“Dirty pull, old man. I like it.”

Tully pulls the sword from the door and the two begin to fence.

“Wednesday makes a lot more sense now.” Bianca noted.

“Had enough?” Tully asks, having just had his shirt torn by the blade.

Gomez laughs loudly at that and the pair continue their fight. 

“Wheres my pen?” Gomez asks, distracting Tully so he can knock his sword from his hand. “Never mind. I’ll take yours.” He uses the tip of his blade to launch the pen from Tully’s pocket. He then does several backflips before catching it as he lands in his desk chair. “First, the old business.”

The scene shifts to Margaret as Grandmama Addams chucks things around the room. “Charity auction, it’s ridiculous!”

“Perhaps it's in here” Morticia calls.

“I don't think so.”

Lurch pulls out a body shaped bag from the armoire. 

“Dont tell me…” Enid pleads with Wednesday.

“Of course not, Enid. That's just clothing.”

“Uncle Niknak’s winter wardrobe.” They toss the bag to the ground.

“See.” 

Enid and several other nevermore kids sigh in relief.

“Uncle Niknak’s summer wardrobe.” Morticia reads off as a second bag is pulled out. Once again it is tossed to the ground. A third bag is pulled out.

“Wow, he really had an entire wardrobe for each season. Iconic.”

“That one’s Uncle Niknak.”

She gulped. 

“Uncle Niknak.” They toss it down and it lands with a very loud thud.

It's been barely 10 minutes and Donovan swears he has a migraine.

The scene changes. Gomez is still at his desk, reading from a document. “The Fester Addams offshore retirement fund? What would it do?”

“What wouldn’t it do?”

“Fester. All tribute to thee. Some call him inhumanly evil.”

“No!”

“Only our parents. I called him brother.”

“And his memory must live on forever through money. I’m gonna deposit the funds under my name for tax purposes.”

“That’s inspired.”

“That's a scam.” Bianca thought of her mother.

“He would have wanted it that way. Beloved Fester.” Tully tells him.

“Indeed! For Fester!” He hops onto the desk brandishing the saber. 

“For Fester! A brother!” He begins to stumble on top of the desk.

“My brother!”

“One of a kind!”

“The doctor said-”

“Kind to animals, so good with children.”

“They never proved anything.”

“Excuse me?” Tyler tucked Wednesday close to him. In the back of his mind something uneasy pulled, something familiar. He pushed it back, thinking only of this man having been in Wednesday’s childhood.

Wednesday didn’t shove him off, her mother and Enid nearly cooed at that, instead just staring him down “The girl scouts. He ate the girl scouts and their dogs.”

Tyler released her a bit, but kept his arm wrapped around her shoulder. She let him, telling herself that he needed this. Tyler could feel as Xavier glared at the arm, as if his power would suddenly become pyrokinesis. 

“1 million is the perfect amount.”

“It’s brilliant.”

“It’s untraceable.”

“But Tully, it’s not old business. It’s going to have to wait. You know the rules better than that.”

“Why? But this is different. This is in my name. Make an exception!”

“Old business is old business, new business is new business. And this is new business, and we do not discuss new business until-” He licks his hand and flips through the pages of a calendar with alarming speed, “next quarter.” 

“Next quarter?” He tries and fails to stab Gomez. 

“Fine lunge, but you riposte,” he clicks his tongue, “a tad rustly.”

Thing catches the saber and re-sheafs it.

“Make yourself comfortable, old man, while I get the money for the monthly expenses.”

He shuts the door behind him, Tully crawls to the door to take a peek. Gomez pulls back a book, activating a secret door in the library.

“Bloody hell, Addams, how much do you earn a year.”

“I wouldn't entirely claim to know. A lot comes in and a lot goes out.”

Weems facepalms, very gently and with some level of elegance, but she does it all the same.

Tully begins to follow him.

The scene changes back to the basement. Thing snaps pointing over at something. “Ther is is.” Morticia exclaims, “Just what we've been searching for.”

Morticia brings it over to Margaret, “My god. What is it?”

“A finger trap from the court of Emperor Wu.”

“It must be worth a fortune. Oh, Morticia! This is too extravagant! Even for the auction.”

Grandmama Addams turns around, “Let’s keep it.”

Everyone laughs. “Oh, mama…” Morticia shakes her head a bit.

“Hush, Mama. It's for charity. Widows and orphans.”

“That's sweet.” Enid coos.

“We need more of them.” She smiles. “Margaret?”

Margaret hums in response.

“About the seance tonight. I wish you’d come. It’s Gomez, I’m terribly worried about him. He won’t eat. He can't sleep. He keeps coughing up blood.”

“He coughs up blood?” Margaret asks.

“Well not like he used to.”

Back in the library, wild animal noises can be heard as Tully tries to figure out which book opened the passage. 

“Down, Kitty!” Gomez yells from behind the book case.

The kitty-cat in the room lets out a growl.

Enid's claws extend, “It's how Kitty purrs.” Wednesday assured her. Enid's claws retracted with that.

Tully pulls out Gone With the Wind, which, when he opens it, hits him with a large burst of wind. 

Gomez returns and is shown weighing his gold coins and putting them into Tully’s briefcase. 

“There,” he says, “the monthly expenses.”

Tully returns to his own office, lugging along the heavy case. “Miss Bradbury.” When he gets no response he calls again, “Miss Bradbury!”

“She’s gone home, Mr. Alford.”

“Oh, Mrs. Craven! I was just about to call you!”

“I’m certain you were. You haven’t met my son Gordon, have you, Mr. Alford.”

The man appears from behind the door as he shuts it.

“Hello.”

Gordon stalks towards him “Is this the one, Mother? That deadbeat you mentioned?”

He grabs onto a pleading Tully, “No, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You have to listen to me.”

Gordon presses and lifts him against the wall by his throat.

“Do we, Mr. Alford? And why?

Gordon turns him upside down with a wicked grin on his face.

“Please! Hear me out! Hear me out! Please, please!”

“Your call mother.”

“Gordon and I enjoy a very special relationship.”

That tingling feeling hit Tyler once again, and once again he repressed it. 

“She’s a pip!”

“Refreshing, no? Down, Gordon.”

“Mother?”

“Gordon.” She reprimanded.

“Gordan.” Tully yelled. 

Gordon dropped him unceremoniously.

“Oof.” Ajax cringes.

“We’ve lent you a considerable sum, many thousands of dollars. Payment due.”

“I don't have the money to repay you. I've tried everything.”

“Oh, Gordon, I want to believe him.”

“So do I.”

“Make me proud.”

“No, no, no, no, no.” Tully pleads as Gordon quickly shoves everything off the office desk. The briefcase falls, revealing all the gold coins Gomez had paid him earlier.

“That’s some bad luck.” Kent hummed. 

“He lied to us, mother.”

“No, no. It’s not what you think. Those are doubloons for the Addams account.”

“Addams.” She stands up.

“There’s more, there’s a fortune, but nobody can get to it. Don’t you think I’ve tried.”

“Have you, Have you tried hard enough? Ask him, sweetheart.”

“No, no, no, sweetheart. Don’t ask.” In that moment Tully realizes how strikingly similar Gordon and Fester look. “Fester?”

"Oh, if what I think is about to happen is about to happen, well thats evil." Enid sniffs.

Chapter Text

The Addams Mansion is shown once again, it is now quite stormy.

“It’s a miserable night.” Gomez says into Morticia’s ear as they watch the storm out the window.

“I know, darling. Seance weather.” She returned, somewhat sensually. Then she called out the door, “Children, we're starting!”

We now see Wednesday and Pugsley giggling in the thunderstorm as they hold up a metal antenna.

Enid's eyes got wide as they watched them. “Oh my god! Wednesday! That is so dangerous, you could have died.” She truly didn't know why she even bothered. Thing crawled over to rub her shoulder. 

Pubert giggled and clapped his hands, absolutely enraptured in the potentially destructive scene. Pugsley zapped him, cackling at the toddler. Wednesday smirked, “He’s almost big enough to fit in the chair properly, mother.” 

Morticia smiled at that. “Oh, you and Pugsley used to love the chair when you were that young.” She turned towards Sheriff Galpin, “Children, you blink for a moment and they grow up.”

For a moment Donovan was about to agree with her. He had seen it happen to his own Tyler.

Gomez continued on, “One moment," He began, his passion causing him to slip into his native tongue. "mi viuda negrita está jugando ‘¿Hay un dios?’ con su hermano. La próxima, ella tiene una obsesión por la maldita dama de hierro. Y, si la manera en que le mira a tu hijo sirve de algo, pronto ella nunca quiere salir del potro.” He chuckles.

“¡Papa!” Wednesday borderline growls at him, “Primero, no estoy mirando a Tyler de ninguna manera.” Tyler perks up at the fast paced spanish hurling from her lips, even more-so when he hears his own name. “Segundo, no soy como ustedes.” She points between her mother and father, whose faces remain unapologetic. “No soy una criatura sexual.” Tyler’s back straightened and for a moment she turned her toe-curling glare on him. “Tyler, you are utterly unhelpful.”

“I am a teenage boy, Wednesday.” As if that somehow made his reaction acceptable. 

Wednesday thought otherwise. “I had hoped that you were stronger than such things.”

“Having hope was a fault on your end.” He snarked back, then his voice became a dark whisper in her ear, “And you can’t exactly blame me if your spanish is the hottest thing I’ve ever heard. That's not exactly on me.” 

Forgive him if he was feeling a little bold, he was still somewhat floating on air from the Rave’N, and has not yet had to grapple with the newest instructions from his master. He pushes the latter thought back, focusing instead on the beautiful pale flesh of Wednesday’s arm. He brushes his finger up and down it, watching as red swiftly blooms where his nails dig just a little too much. For a moment he pictures his Hyde ripping through that porcelain arm, snapping it like a china doll. 

Wednesday waved her hand dismissively at his words, knocking him from his dark fantasies. She turned her body back to the screen. Posture rigid and proper as she focused back on the screen. She still didn’t jostle his arm, almost leaning into the sting where his nails deigned to slice through her. Tyler considers it a win, but softens his grip all the same. 

Donovan gritted his teeth.

“Put down that antenna.” Morticia called to the children.

Thunder crashes outside a motel before we are brought inside, Miss Bradbury is holding a photo of young Fester.

“It's unbelievable. This hideous creature and my little boy.”

Gordon is slurping up pasta and staring at a startled Tully.

“They could be twins.” Tully adds.

Gordon jumps forwards a bit, further scaring Tully, “But they’re his family. What makes you think they’ll fall for it?”

“You shave your head, we dress you up. No problem. They’ll think he’s Fester, the long lost brother.”

“I hope so Mr. Alford,” Miss. Bradbury says, “for your sake.”

“Hey, I’ve been the Addams lawyer for years. They’re morons.”

“He was the moron.” Pugsley laughed.

“Some people mistake eccentricity for stupidity.” Wednesday informs him, “In your case however, they’d be correct.” 

Tyler snorted at that. Eugene tried to hide his laughter from Pugsley’s view, Agnes made no such motions.

“Obviously.” She returns. “Now what about the gold?”

“They got this vault, it’s somewhere-” He gets cut off as Gordon picks him up and shoves him into the wall.

“Where?” He growls.

“I’m not sure.”

“That’s a problem, isn’t it.”

“Now listen, Fester’s been missing for 25 years.”

“Dog years!” Gomez stands up outraged, “Dog years. To think the man would call our family morons when he thinks Fester would forget the vault’s location after 4 years.”

“Yes, because counting a human’s lifespan in dog years is a normal thing to do.” Donovan muttered to nobody but himself.

“He and Gomez had some sort of fight,” he continues, “and Gomez feels incredibly guilty about it. He’ll tell you anything, just ask. It’s foolproof.”

“It had better be. Now, get out.” She replied, punctuating her final words.

Tully backs up towards the door.

“It’s gonna be great. You're gonna get back all the money I owe you and more. You’ll see. Really.”

Margaret rolls her eyes at her late-husband's stupid antics. She rubs her stomach and smiles. In some ways it’s nice to be reminded how extraordinary her life is now, even if she kind of hates being presented with who she once was.

He bolts for the door.

“This is it, mother. The one we’ve been waiting for.”

“No more loan sharking. No more storefront scams.”

“I get the gold and we’re gone.”

“And Tully takes the rap. Gordon, it's brilliant.”

“No! Not Gordon!”

“Of course not.”

“Fester.”

We return to the Addams home, where the storm is still going.

Tully is struggling to help Margeret out of her rain coat, just making it worse for her.

“Big night for you guys, eh, small fry.” He says to Wednesday.

“Wednesday, you were too cute.” Enid raved. 

Xavier in the back nodded, he definitely remembered back when they were that age. He, while no longer attracted to her in that form, could still understand why younger him thought she was the most gorgeous outcast to walk the Earth. He looks down at where Wednesday sits with Tyler, she’s still gorgeous, but damn did she become more heartless. Maybe she always was. 

Bianca just sighs next to him. She has been a forced observer of this far too long, and, after tonight, her patience has worn thin.

“Hello, sweetheart.” Margaret sing-songs to Wednesday, her hair a mess from the previous struggle. “Could you?” She asks as she presents her fingers which are stuck in the finger trap.

Wednesday steps forward and pinches the tops of the dragon heads, releasing Margaret’s fingers.

“Oh, thank God.” She says, shaking out her hand. 

“Welcome, honored guests.” Morticia calls from the staircase, startling Margaret and Tully. “Entrails?”

Grandmama walks into frame holding a plate of something.

Enid gulps, disgusted. Ajax, next to her, audibly licks his lips.

“Eeeewww!” She squeals, lightly hitting his chest, “Ajax!”

“Sorry Enid, munchies.”

Lurch plays an ominous tune on the family organ. The family sits at the table as the seance commences.

“Sing, O spirits, harken all souls. Every year, on this date, we offer a clarion call to Fester Addams. 

Pugsley pulls out a rusted meat cleaver and raises it towards Wednesday.

“Intense.” Tyler says, slowly nodding his head the way he does when he’s trying to comprehend Wednesday. She was certainly unique.

The young girl just raised her eyebrow at him, “Stop it.”

The parents both turn their attention to the children. “Pugsley.” Gomez reaches his hand out. Pugsley hands the cleaver over and laughs.

Gomez smiles at the guests, “Kids.” They laugh and pretend they understand.

Donovan snarls. As far as he was concerned, every last Addams should be locked up.

Morticia continues the seance, “From generation to generation, our beacon to the beyond. All close eyes and join hands.”

Everyone holds hands. As Margaret grabs Grandmama Addams hand the old lady yelps, “Ow! What a grip! Ow!” She lifts her sleeve and her hand separates from her arm, “My hand! My hand! She’s got my hand!” 

Margaret looks down and sees the still moving hand and begins to scream.

Enid turns to Thing, “That wasn’t very nice.”

The Addams family all find it funny. Thing scurries off as Margaret continues to panic.

“Excuse me.” She goes to leave, but Tully shoves her back into her seat.

“Okay, pumpkin, sit down. Join the fun.”

“Mama, you should know better.” Morticia scolds the old lady. Morticia turns down to Thing, “Thing, you’re a handful.” She goes back to the seance, “Wednesday.”

“Let us ransom you from the power of the grave. Tonight, O death, let us be your plague.”

“You know,” Bianca says, “you were still creepy as shit when you were a kid, but it was cute.”

“I know right. I just want to pinch little Wednesday Addams’s cheeks.” Enid added.

“Mama.” Morticia said.

“Fester Addams.” She said in a spooky voice, caressing her crystal ball. She begins to speak in tongues, “I feel that he is near. Fester Addams, gather your strength. Knock three times.”

There is a loud pounding at the door. 

“Did you hear that?” Grandmama exclaims.

“Ask again, mama. Quickly.”

“By all means.” Tully adds.

“Ask. Ask.” Gomez chants.

“Fester Addams! I demand that you knock again!”

Three more knocks on the door.

Gomez stands up in excitement. “He’s at the door!”

Thing races to the door, sliding on every sharp turn he makes. He bumps into the door before jumping up to turn the handle. He opens the door to reveal Fester.

“Could it be?”

“Is it him?”

“Is it possible?”

“Oh my god.”

“Fester.” Gomez whispers as a smile lights up his face.

“Gomez.” He returns.

Gomez hugs his brother, kissing him on the cheek.

Miss. Bradbury steps forward, dressed like a harmless older woman. She puts on a fake German accent, “Good evening. I am doctor Pinder-Schloss. 

The scene jumps to the living room as Miss. Bradbury tells the family what happened.

“He was found in Miami, tangled in a tuna net. It was just last month, during the Hurricane Helga. The sky, it was black like pitch. The waves, they were walls of doom. Can you imagine? They drag him from the ocean, from the very jaws of oblivion. I’m telling you! There were tests, so many tests! A complete psychological profile. At long last, the Florida Department of the Fish and the Game, they say ‘Lo and behold, oh my, oh my, oh my, go tell it on the mountains, he is your brother’.”

“She’s adding too much, it’s not believable.”

“And what would you know of lying, Tyler.” Her inquisitive eyes turned on him. 

He felt like he was being dissected. It was thrilling. Still he was as composed as ever as he looked her straight in her eyes. “My dad is a cop, Wednesday. Besides, do you think he’d have just let me be your date to the Rave’N?”

She relaxed, as much as Wednesday ever relaxed, that is. Bianca smelt a rat, and Xavier wouldn’t trust a word from that normie boy.

“Boom! They give him to me at Human Services, and I am bringing him, after all these years, after who knows what heartache, after the naked and the dead, I am bringing him home to you!” She does an outlandish voice and jiggle, giggling as she trails off.

“Thats preposterous.” Margaret snarks. “Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?” She shouts to her husband.

“Possibly…”

“It certainly is.” Gomez says. “Now you’re back.”

“Yes. Back. Back to share your joys. Your sorrows. Hey, everything.” Tully calls.

“Well, I just don't know.” Margaret says, still not believing the story.

“Honey, how does this work again?” Tully distracts her with the finger trap.

“An infant would understand.” Margaret replies. Wednesday, who is laying underneath a chair, rolls her eyes as the older woman gets her fingers stuck in the trap again. Grandmama Addams cackles at her.

“Kent, that's you.” Divina laughs at her twin, who crosses his arms to pout.

“Fester Addams, home at long last.” Morticia smiles.

“Well, at least, for a week.” Fester replies.

“A week?” She asks, entirely surprised.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re home.” Gomez says.

“Sorry, but I have to get back. I’ve got a lot of things cooking in the Bermuda Triangle.”

“Oh, Gomez.” Morticia says sensually, “The Bermuda Triangle.”

“I never thought I’d see someone get horny over the Bermuda Triangle.” Tyler says, somewhat perturbed. 

“You still haven’t.” Wednesday says. “My parents don’t ‘get’ horny. They are horny.”

“24/7, 365 days a year.” Pugsley adds.

Fester cackles, “Wednesday’s population control is the only reason there aren’t more Addams children running around the house.”

“What does that mean?” Yoko asks.

“Addams’s family tradition.” Is all that Wednesday reveals.

Gomez smiles at her. “Devil’s Island.” 

“The Black Hole of Calcutta.”

“Excuse us.” He says to the rest of the people in the room, kissing her hands.

“Second honeymoon.” She explains.

Miss Bradbury hums.

Pugsley is shown frying the lock to a trunk.

“Dr. Pinder-Schloss, will you be staying with us too?” Morticia asks.

Pugsley meanwhile gets the lock to open, scaring Fester.

“No, no, no. I must be going. But I will be back, you can bet, to be checking on Fester’s adjustment.”

A bear trap closes on Pugsley's arm “Cool.”

“Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle.” Wednesday says from her spot under the chair. Her eyes pierce into him, “Not even for a vacation. Everyone knows that.”

“Oh, my little bundle. So much you don’t understand.” Miss Bradbury says. “The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.”

Grandmama Addams nods, “Even with a chainsaw.”

The scene changes to Fester in his room, opening his trunk and pulling out a chainsaw.

Morticia enters the room, “Unpacking? Let me.”

“It’s alright. I can do it.”

She picks up a crowbar and inspects it, “Crowbar.”

Fester begins to panic, trying to calmly take it from her hands.

“Dynamite.” She says, lifting it up as well. 

He takes it from her as quickly as he can.

As she goes to reach for the next item he covers his mouth, terrified she’ll realize his plan. “Cyanide.” She twirls the bottle around in her hand. She swiftly turns around.

“Busted?” Kent asks.

“Addams family, remember.” Xavier deadpans at the siren boy.

“Fester, as if we’d run out.” She hands the bottle to the man.

“Oh.” Kent said.

“Goodnight.” She says gently, leaving and shutting his door.

He hurriedly puts everything back in the trunk and shuts it. He runs to the door and presses his ear against it. He opens the door again and comes face to face with Wednesday in her pajamas. She silently raises her eyebrow at him. He slams the door shut.

“Nosy little brat.”

He picks up a photo in Fester’s room, in it are two boys in cages. One is clearly Fester and the other is Gomez.

“Well that's definitely where those two belong.” Donovan proclaims.

He picks up another photo with twin women on either side, one named Flora and the other Fauna.

Fester reopens his bedroom door, looking out at the door to Wednesday’s bedroom. From the doorknob hangs a headless straw doll. He re-slams his own door shut and turns off the lights. He falls onto the bed which completely caves under his weight. He begins to fall asleep before a clanking noise awakens him.

“Who’s there?” He calls into the darkness.

Someone else opens his door and Fester begins reaching for a weapon. The wind outside the house blows wildly, shattering the window and putting out the candelabra., all except for one candle. Desperately, Fester grabs that candle and tries to relight the candelabra. He picks it up to go investigate only to be horrified when Thing crawls up onto the bed. He howls in terror.

The scene shifts to Gomez and Morticia's bed, from which they can hear Fester’s cries.

“My own dear brother. I’ve got goosebumps.”

“I know.”

“Screams in the night, it can only mean one thing.”

“He’s home.”

Fester continues to scream through the night, ‘Please! Please! Leave me alone!”

“Yeah, I get it.” Tyler nods.

Thing flips him off.

Eventually night fades and it’s morning once again. Fester at some point had fallen asleep, Thing resting on his stomach. Gomez stands over him, watching as he sleeps. He goes to pick Thing up, which startles Fester awake. 

He attacks, putting a knife against Gomez’s throat who simply asks, “Breakfast?” then easily flips Fester over him. “Damn, it’s good to have you back. Let's go.”

He stands up and begins to walk out the door, “Best two out of three?” He chucks the knife and it embeds itself into the floor by Fester’s head. Gomez laughs.

“Home cooking!” Grandmama yells as she races towards the table holding a frying pan. “There’s nothing like it in the world!” She begins filling their plates.

“Except money.” Grandmama Addams cackles.

“On that we certainly agree.” Grandmama Frumo replies.

“May I have the salt?” Wednesday asks Fester.

He goes to grab it for her. “What do we say?” Morticia asks her daughter.

“Who knew you were raised with manners.” Tyler jokes. She refuses to respond to such a comment.

“Now.” The girl orders.

“And here I’ve been,” Principle Weems muses, “wondering where this girl could get her wild attitude. Of course it’s the parenting, it’s always the parenting.” She recites the last words to herself like a personal motto.

Fester looks down at the green slop being dropped on his plate. “What is this?”

“Good question.” Enid says, her face turning green. If she has to see any more Addams family recipes, she might just hurl.

“Mama’s spécialité de la maison.”

“Oh, Tish.” Gomez purred, kissing the back of her hand.

“Start with the eyes.” Grandmama instructed Fester.

“Did you sleep well?” Morticia asked him.

“Like the dead.” He proclaimed.

“Really?” Gomez was shocked. “Who would have thought the Bermuda Triangle could change a man so much? You used to toss and turn all night. We had to chain you to the bed post.” 

“Or stick me in a straight jacket.” The man laughed.

“Doesn’t make sense.” Wednesday said.

He rushed to cover. “Ther Bermuda Triangle is a very strange and mysterious place. You’d be surprised at all the things you don’t know.”

“She certainly would.” Morticia told him. “Wednesday adores the Bermuda Triangle. She studies it. Death at sea, she’s hooked.”

“Of course she is.” Donovan sighs. 

“Ask me anything.”

He leans in, but then thinks better of it and goes to change the conversation. “Being in my old room sure brings back memories. Remember Camp Custer?”

“For preteen offenders.”

“Okay, what the hell, Addams?” 

“Dad, the camp you sent me to was Camp Custer.” Tyler announced.

“Intriguing young boy you've got there, Wednesday.” Morticia smiled.

“Great.” She harshly whispered to Tyler, “Now they’re going to be planning a wedding.”

Tyler wasn’t too put off by that idea.

Gomez and Fester laugh.

“Aren’t memories precious?” Fester asks. “Today I’d like to wander through the house…remembering.”

“No, no. Sorry, old man. No wandering today. Today we’re going straight to the vault.”

Pugsley comes marching down the stairs holding a freshly removed stop sign. Gomez silences the family so they can listen as a truck crashes into some cars. 

“Bravo, Pugsley!” Gomez cheers.

Donovan should just arrest the whole lot of them.

Gomez escorts Fester to the library, and reaches for the book. “Greed!” They chant together as they laugh.

They run down the corridor, “I feel like we're children again.” Gomez tells him. “Tag, you’re it!” He says as he pulls on one of the many pull keys. They are sent through the floor onto a slide as happy music plays, they are speeding down the slide.

“Smell that air, Fester.” Fester is coughing, “Like a tomb.”

He climbs onto the boat and calls to Fester, “Tutti a bordo, fratello mio.”

Most of the heads turn to Wednesday, “‘Come aboard, my brother.’ Context.” 

“The sea, your second home.”

“Ship ahoy.” Fester says as he climbs into the boat.

Gomez plays Italian music from the gramophone and he begins to row them out to the vault, singing along.

Back in the attic Wednesday is playing with some wires on a chair.

“No!” Bianca yelled, “Even you guys are not that weird!” She might just have a mental breakdown.

“Do you think that’s really Uncle Fester?” Pugsley asked his sister.

“Father says so, but I think mother isn’t so sure.”

Tyler could only muse about how perceptive she was. He looked down at her. And still how easy she was going to be to trick. It was kind of cute. His little cockroach.

Pugsley is playing with a small guillotine, chopping the heads off dolls.

“Grim reaper barbie, that’s right.” Tyler muttered.

“Pugsley, sit in the chair.” She ordered, gesturing to the electric chair.

“Why?”

“So we can play a game.”

“Oh, thank god it's just a game.” Capri exhaled. 

He sat down in the chair. “What game?”

Wednesday began to strap him in. “It’s called, ‘Is There a God?’.” She punctuated the statement as she tugged the strap all the way.

“Wednesday, no!” Enid shouted, almost desperate.

As they reach the vault, Gomez is still singing. They exit the boat and Fester cries out, “The vault!”

Gomez begins unlocking the door, “Two to the right, ten to the left, and then around to…” Gomez trails off waiting for Fester to finish the sentence.

“Five.” He guesses, excited.

Gomez’s face falls a bit, “Eleven. Two, Ten, Eleven. Eyes, Fingers, Toes.”

Tyler looks down at Wednesday's platform boots.

“No, Tyler.”

“But stop thinking about my bestie's feet, you weirdo.” Enid says, her eyes bugging out whenever she exaggerates a word.

“So many years.” Gomez concludes. He opens the vault and leads Fester in. “Welcome back.”

“Thanks.” Inside the vault is practically nothing, just old furniture. 

“Our secret place. Sanctus Sanctorum. If these walls could speak, eh, old man.”

“They’d tell oh so many dirty things of you and morticia.” Fester joked.

“That they would, brother, that they would.” He turned and began making out with Morticia. Weems cringed. Grandmama Frump rolled her eyes.

“Mother, Father, control yourselves.” Wednesday barked. “We already have Pugsely and Pubert, unfortunate as they are. Do not go around making another. They become more intellectually challenged as you go on.”

“What would they say?”

“You tell me.”

“You first.”

“Senior partner.”

“Junior spaceman.”

“First a brandy, do the honors. I’ve got a real treat in store.”

“Where is it, you ridiculous imbecile.”

“Harsh words, Fester.” Morticia said.

Enid leaned into Ajax, “They do realize that that’s Gordon on screen, right?”

Gomez hums as he digs through old reels of film, meanwhile Fester pockets a jigger as he looks through the alcohol cabinet. Fester pulls the cap off of one of the bottles which triggers the door to the vault. Before he can grab anything, and before Gomez realizes he had even opened the vault, the entrance once again swivels back.

“Ah-hah!” Gomez shouts as he pulls out the reel he had been looking for. “Show time!”

Fester and Gomez laugh watching as a young Gomez and Fester, dressed with shark fins on their backs, go to scare a group of kids playing in the lake. Fester is shown holding a box filled with dynamite and Gomez is shown with a bug net and the detonator. The movie changes to show them older, dressed in suits at some formal function, as they walked up to a set of twins.

“There.” Gomez said, “The debutante ball. Remember that fateful night?”

“Of course.”

They are dancing with the twins.

“Your first cigar!” Fester guesses.

“What? Come on, old man. I’ve smoked since I was five. Mother insisted.”

“It strips your skin of that dreadful youth-like glow.” Grandmama Addams nodded.

Bianca raised her eyebrow, but made no comment.

“Flora and Fauna. Quite the pair, eh, Gomez.” He guessed again.

“Can you ever forgive me?”

“What?” Fester asked, entirely lost.

“I didn’t love them.”

“I know you didn't, my love.” Morticia cooed.

Gomez kissed up and down her hand.

“Yet I wooed them both out of foolish pride. You were so dashing, you could have any woman you wanted, dead or alive.”

“That is totes disturbing.” Enid told Wednesday.

“I know.” She said. “The thought of my uncle with a living woman makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.”

“Gross.” Enid shrieked.

Tyler looked back at the silent blonde, “What about your Aunt Debbie?”

“That’s why she’s perfect for him.” Wednesday concluded, leaving everyone with many more questions. 

“I was jealous. Insanely jealous. I admit that now.” He turns off the projector. “But I did not mean to drive you off. Not to the Bermuda Triangle.”

“Water under the bridge. Forgiven. Forgotten.”

Gomez’s smile grew wide and he jumped up to hug Fester, before abruptly pulling him into a headlock and choking him.

“Come on, say it.” Gomez goaded. Fester struggled against him. “Say the secret passcode.”

“The password?”

“Come on. Stop fooling. You remember.”

“Please, I’m choking, please.”

Gomez released him. “You forgot our secret password?” He asked incredulously, he raised his voice. “The word we used a hundred times a day? Our special, private name for each other?”

“That was a long time ago when we were children! You almost killed me, you demented freak!”

“Poor devil. What did they do to you in that Bermuda Triangle?”

The scene cuts back to Wednesday as she fits the cap over Pugsley's head.

“But if he’s not Uncle Fester, then who is he?” Pugsley asks.

“Somebody else.” She answers. She walks over to the wall where there are several levers. “It has to warm up.” She informs him before tugging the first lever down. 

“Why?”

“So it can kill you.”

Embarrassed, he tells her “I knew that.” 

Morticia comes up the stairs. “Children, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to electrocute him.”

“I suppose Wednesday could have done more damage that she already has at Nevermore.” Weems told herself.

“But we’re late for the charity auction.”

“But, mother…” Wednesday pleaded.

“Oh, damn you for being so cute Wednesday.” Enid complained, “That dejected voice would so convince me to let you electrocute him.”

“Glad to know you're so strong willed, Enid.” Wednesday deadpanned.

“I said no.” Wednesday pouted.

“Please?” Pugsley begged.

“Oh, alright.” Morticia conceded. Pugsley smiled.

Wednesday pulled the last lever and watched with a growing smile and crazed look in her eyes as her brother was electrocuted.

“That was the psycho you’ve been pining over?” Bianca asked Xavier.

Chapter Text

The fingertrap is still on Margaret’s finger as the auctioneer described it.

“This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and 15 emerald chips.” He told the audience. “It was donated by Morticia and Gomez Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.”

Gomez and Morticia both turn to look at Grandmama, who smiles at the recognition.

“I’ll open the bidding at $5,000.”

Gomez scoffs at that. “Five…not good enough.” As the auctioneer looks around for bids Gomez speaks up, “$20,000.”

“What are they doing?” Margaret asks.

“I have twenty.” The auctioneer says.

“Twenty-five.” Gomez calls. He turns to Morticia. “Cara mia.”

“Twenty-five.” The auctioneer calls.

“Thirty.” Morticia bid.

“I- I just don’t get it.” Yoko said. This family was the strangest she’d seen in all her life, and she had lived several lifetimes.

She pressed her face close to Gomez and whispered sensually, “Mon savage.”

“Thirty-five!” He yelled. “Eres divina.”

Morticia made like she was about to kiss Gomez as she called “Fifty.”

“I have fifty thousand dollars.” The auctioneer announced, a perplexed look on his face.

“Your turn, my ecstasy.” She gasped out.

Gomez kissed up her arm, Morticia breathing heavily, as the auctioneer called out, “Fifty thousand going once. Fifty thousand going twice.” He kissed up her neck to her face and they begin making out in their seats. “Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty thousand dollars.” The couple moans in the background as he speaks.

“If my parents were like that, I would be glad that my mothers dead.” Tyler said, a disgusted look on his face.

“Tyler!”

“It’s my trauma dad. Dr. Kinbott says humor is a common coping mechanism, you’d know that if you would come to at least one of the sessions.”

“Don’t do this here, Tyler.”

“You started it, dad!”

The scene changes and we’re now in the car as Lurch drives them home. Fester has his fingers caught in the trap. Wednesday sits passed out on her father’s lap.

“Enid, say a word and I will decapitate your purple unicorn.”

“Mr.  Snuffles?” Wednesday nods solemnly, “You wouldn’t!” She whisper-yells.

Tyler raised his eyebrow, “I think she would.” Enid gulps.

“Isn’t it too enchanting?” Morticia asks.

“How do you take it off?” Fester asks.

Gomez and Morticia look at each other from either side of the vehicle, their faces showing a sort of realization. Wednesday wakes up and Gomez turns his attention to her while Morticia helps Fester. “There’s a trick to it.” She say, pitching both ends to release its grip. She stares him down. “Of course.” Wednesday also stares down her uncle, while Gomez just stares down into the distance.

“Anyone ever tell you that you were a terrifyingly perceptive child?” Bianca asks.

“Often.” Wednesday said. 

“Sometimes just terrifying.” Pugsley added.

Gomez’s toy trains travel down their tracks. “How do you take it off?” Gomez mimics, his behavior somewhat crazed. “That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!” Thing paces back and forth. The train continues down the track very quickly. 

Morticia is reading to Pugsley and Wednesday, the trains can still be heard. “Oh no.” Morticia says. 

“Fathers playing with his trains.” Pugsley says with a solemn voice.

The train continues hurtling down the track. “He wore that finger trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet!” Gomez’s eyes look ready to pop from their sockets.

“I still do on occasion, mama!” Fester cheerfully tells Grandmama Addams.

Donavon’s face scrunches with disgust.

“And the combination! And the password!” He lists. “And my cigar! And he slept so well!”

Thing slams his fist into the table.

“He’s using the diesel.” Pugsley says.

Fester, in his room, picks up the dynamite, packing it onto a belt filled with various weapons. He picks up and catches the crowbar as well.

The train goes speeding under a structure.

“The covered bridge.” Wednesday says.

“Dead man’s curve.” Morticia continued. Her voice is saturated with concern.

Grandmama Addams feels the house shake from the trains as she brews potions with a Gray’s Anatomy book in front of her.

“Now why would she need that.” Bianca complains, refusing to pretend any of this shit is normal. Lucas nods in agreement.

Fester opens the library access to the vault as the trains continue on their paths.

The trains rattle Lurch’s room as he prepares for bed.

Fester goes running down the steps, eager to reach the vault. When he reaches all the pull down chains he stops to contemplate which one it was. He chooses one, which locks onto his hand and send him soaring up, screaming the whole way.

A passenger on the train is shown reading, he looks out the window and sees Gomez laughing maniacly. 

“It’s all about Uncle Fester, isn’t it?” Wednesday asks her mother.

Morticia looks up as Fester goes down the piranha tank.

The trains narrowly avoid crashing. “Spirits above me, give me a sign.” Gomez pleads. “Shall I be joyous, or shall I be damned?” The trains crash into each other, sparking a flame and shaking the mansion violently.

Fester goes spilling out of a door labeled Pugsley. Morticia stands just by where he’s landed.

“Sleepless night?” She asks him. He sputters up water. “Walk with me, Fester.”

They walk through the family graveyard, “Aunt LaBorgia. Executed by firing squad.” She says, looking at a statue with bullet holes in it. “Cousin Fledge. Torn limb from limb by four wild horses.” The next statue has no arms. “And darling Uncle Eimar.” The statue shows an executioner. “Buried alive.”

“So weird.” Kent says, unable to look away from the screen.

“Their weirdness goes back hundreds of years.” Xavier informs him.

“Psychopaths. Fiends. Mad-dog killers. Brutes, Fester. Pioneers. Lest we forget.”

“I wanna be buried alive!” Pubert shouts.

“I could make that happen.” Wednesday threatens. There is a gleam in her eyes and she starts to move towards her baby brother. Tyler tugs her back to her seat by her shoulder. She pouts, he wants to bite her bottom lip.

“Your beloved Muerto.” She continues as they reach a statue of a vulture. “After you left, he was simply a different vulture.” Dying bird noises can be heard. “He wouldn’t circle. He wouldn't peck. That’s how much you mean to this family.” She leads him to another statue. “Mother and Father Addams. How I wish the children could have known them better.”

“Isn’t that your father’s mother?” Tyler asks, looking over at the ragged old woman.

“Yes.” As if she didn’t understand the issue Tyler was having.

“Then why is there a grave for her?”

“Grandmama Addams isn’t alive!” Pugsley chuckled. 

Grandmama Addams gestured to herself “Look at me!”

“You don’t look a day under a hundred and fourty.” Grandmama Frump complimented.

“What does Wednesday see in you?” Little What asked, face scrunched. At least it would be if he had a face.

“Ouch.” Tyler whispers to himself.

“But tell that to an angry mob.”

“What’d they do?” Divina asked.

“You warn them the city will go up in flames if they don’t give you money and suddenly you’re a problem.”

“Mama.” Morticia scolded. “Mama, you set the city on fire.”

“It was a psychic reading.”

“You placed the blame on a cow.”

“And Mrs O’larey and Gwendoline are now famous.” The hag turned to her Grandchildren in the front rows, “History is written by the winners. So, seek vengeance and lie.”

“And our credo.” She read. “Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. We gladly feast on those who would subdue us.”

“They’re delicious.” Fester cheered.

“Not just pretty words.” It's clear this is a thinly veiled threat. “As an Addams, you understand completely, don't you?” 

He looks terrified as he shakes. “As an Addams, yes I do.”

“Goodnight, Fester.” She walks past him. “Rest in peace.”

The scene changes and it’s the next day. “They’re onto me, mother. I’m almost sure of it.” He rasps into the telephone. The children are in the background as Pugsley duct taped Wednesday, kicking to get free, to a chair.

“So kooky.” Tyler whispers to her. She stares up at him from the corner of her eye. She has yet to figure out why this boy insists on engaging with her and how to make him stop.

“Of course I tried. I still can’t find it.” Pugsley comes up to him, holding up cyanide in one hand and arsenic in the other. “You have to get over here.” He turns around to Pugsley. “Arsenic, cyanide. Cyanide, arsenic. Arsenic.” He whispers, trying to decide, before tapping on the Arsenic bottle.

Pugsley goes racing back to Wednesday.

“Don’t say that.” Fester complains into the phone. Wednesday struggles harder in the background. “You know I do.”

The scene changes and we’re back in the kitchen as Lurch prepares food. Wednesday walks by him holding a knife. 

“His trains are everywhere.” Morticia tells Grandmama. “The children are besides themselves.” She turns as Wednesday starts to pass her. “Is that for your brother?” She asks.

Wednesday nods.

“I don’t think so.” Morticia holds her hand out for the knife.

“Is this…hope?” Ajax asks Enid.

“Don’t count on it. Wednesday is my girl, and she’s weird as shit. Never have hope when it comes to an Addams.”

Morticia sets down the knife and reaches for a giant meat cleaver to give Wednesday. Wednesday continues on as Morticia turns back to Grandmama. “This can’t go on. How can I help him? Tell me, mama.”

Grandmama opens her spellbook. “Troubled husbands.” She reads. “Adultery?”

“Oh, no.”

Grandmama flips a few pages back. “Financial, money troubles?”

“No.”

“Turned into toad or reptile?”

“Is there an index?”

We switch to Fester’s room. Mrs Bradbury is in the background. “They know I’m a fraud, the whole bunch. It’s not going to work.”

“Who knows? Gomez, that overheated moron?”

“He’s no moron. He’s Fester’s brother. They had some awful fight years ago. He’s suspicious, they all are. I can tell.”

“Really? Well thank god I came over here. I will counsel the troubled family, ease their distress. It’s my calling. Remember, Gordon?”

“What?”

She switches to her bad German accent. “I’m a doctor.”

“If I have to hear that terrible accent one more time, I swear, I’m gonna claw my ears off.” Enid complained.

“Why don’t you speak to Fester, darling?” Morticia asks her husband. He’s strewn across the couch in despair. “He’s right outside the door.”

“I would speak with Fester if that were Fester.” He gets up and shouts at the closed doors, “But that’s not! That’s an impostor! An impostore!”

His shouts startle Fester.

“A charlatan! A sham! A counterfeit!” Fester flees upstairs.

Fester looks back down the stairs when he hears metal clanking. The children are fighting with swords.

“O, villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!” Wednesday recites. 

“Who calls me a villain? Breaks my plate across?” Pugsley returns.

“Thespian Wednesday!” Enid shouts. “It makes total sense, when I think about it, but how cute.”

“The unicorn dies.”

“Wednesday, no!”

“Bloodshed.” Fester says as he watches.

“Plucks off my beard and blows it in my face.” Pugsley says.

“If I must strike you dead, I will.” She whips her blade towards him.

Maybe all the stress of late has gotten to him, maybe it was the distance from his master, but for just a moment, the fleeting thought of a little Wednesday passes his mind. Except it wasn't just a little Wednesday, as much as it looked like her. No, that would be his daughter too. He blinked the thoughts away. Wednesday was going to die by the next blood moon. It would do nothing but cause him suffering if he tried to entertain these thoughts, not when his master has already made up her mind. Wednesday was the prey and he was the hunter. The predator.

Pugsley hits her in the stomach with his blade and she bends over it dramatically, groaning in pain. He pulls it back and she falls to the ground as if fatally stabbed, dramatically climbing a little onto the stairs as she does and then sighing loudly.

“No!” Fester complains. He starts running down the stairs “No, no, no, no, no, no! Give me that sword!” Pugsley hands it to him, he points it at Wednesday’s face. “Haven’t you ever slaughtered anyone?”

She looks up at her uncle. “He’s only a child.”

“Don’t make excuses for your brother, Wednesday.” Gomez tutted.

“No excuse!” Fester replied. He tugs Pugsley forward. “Aim for a major artery. The jugular.”

“A faker!” Gomez continues in the other room. “A phoney! An utter fraud! A base, deceitful-”

“Mr. Addams!” Mrs. Bradbury interrupts his rant. “I believe I am understanding. I can help, yes? The theory of displacement. Is this familiar?”

“No. Tish?” He turns to her. She shakes her head.

“Oh it is too exciting. I will explain.” 

“Is it unpleasant?” Gomez asks, hopeful.

She shakes her head, “Deeply.”

Gomez excitedly scoots to sit next to Morticia, they grasp for each other's hand.

“Your very own brother, you drive him away. ‘Go. Off with you.’ But then you are feeling the little black monster.”

“Pugsley.” Gomez surmises.

Everyone has to laugh at that.

“Guilt.” She corrects him. “Yes? Your brother returns, you feel guilty, you displace.”

“I do?”

“Can an Addams even feel guilt?” Donovan said.

“I have yet to see such a thing.” Wednesday replied.

“It is doubtful.” Weems said.

“The feelings in your brain cells, they bubble and collide. You suspect things. You love him, but you resent him. Love, hate. Hate, love. Like for mama, no?”

“But I didn’t hate my mother, it was an accident.”

“What now?” Lucas asks. Bianca just waves her hand, trying to tell him to let it go.

“It’s a very common psychosis. I’m seeing it everyday.”

“Lucky doctor.” Morticia says.

“Displacement.” Gomez mutters. “How bizarre. And here I thought Fester was the problem. He’s sullen."

“He’s furtive.” Morticia adds.

“Backstabbing.”

“He sulks.”

“I suspect him.”

“You’re unbalanced.”

“And I hate him. By god you’re right! He is Fester!”

“Thank you, Dr. Pinder-Schloss.”

“And this is why I refused therapy, mother.”

“It’s court ordered Wednesday. We’re trying to keep that embarrassing mark off your otherwise gleaming juvenile record.”

“Tyler,” Donovan says, shaking his head, “for the love of God, stay away from the girl.”

Tyler rolled his eyes.

“I do what I can.” Mrs Bradbury told them.

Fester is showing Wednesday and Pugsley a big book, labeled ‘Wounds, Scars, and Gouges.’ 

“You see, children, there’s lots to learn.” He flips the page. “Gangrene.” He reads as Wednesday's eyes get wide. Pugsley smiles along. 

“Oooh.” Wednesday says, staring intensely at the page.

“Uncle Fester, how do you know so much?” Pugsley asks him.

“I’ve been around. I’ve picked things up.”

“In the Bermuda Triangle?” Wednesday inquires.

He ignores her and flips to the next page. “Look, children. A new chapter.”

In unison, with excited looks on their faces they read, “Scabs.”

Something blows up outside, the three of them appear from where the explosion was.

Tyler chuckles at the look on young Wednesday’s face.

“Three parts dynamite with a nitroglycerin cap.” He instructed them. “It’s perfect for small holes, carports, and tool sheds.”

Through the window we can see Mrs Bradbury watching them.

Fester excitedly enters his room. “Mother.” He says when he sees her. 

“Everyone will be at the children’s play tonight, correct?”

“Oh, yes. I’ve been working with them.” He informs her. “It’s going to be fun.”

“Fun?” She shouts. “Is that what we're here for? Fun?” She slaps him. “Oooh.” She squeals, grabbing his head apologetically. “Darling, forgive me. You see what they’ve driven me to? I’ve raised a hand to my child, my reason for living.” She pauses and levels with him. “You can’t go to the play.”

“But the kids-”

“The house will be deserted, the vault will be ours.” She reasoned.

“But, mother-”

She gripped him by his collar and pulled him to her chest. “Can you hear it, my treasure? My heartbeat. It beats only for you.”

The hairs on the back of Tyler’s neck stood up. He pulled his arm away from Wednesday, who gave no reaction other than scooting further back into her chair. He knew he couldn’t put it back if he wanted to, so he laid it across his lap in a move that felt somewhat awkward now. Xavier smiled and leaned forward in his own chair. Bianca rolled her eyes.

“Listen closely, it says ‘Gordon, I love you. Gordon, the vault.’”

“I do hear it.”

She pulls his head up from her chest, eye level now. “Soon we’ll have the money and we’ll be far from here. Loving mother, grateful son. Understood?”

The scene shifts and Fester is standing outside, just staring.

Gomez comes outside behind him. “There you are, at last. What a fool I was to doubt you. Dr. Pinder-Schloss explained everything. What a lovely woman. So chilly. Displacement. It’s a common psychosis. Isn’t that grand?”

“Is it?” Fester asks him back.

“Look at it, Fester.” He says, looking out at the graveyard. “The primeval ooze. Quicksand, fumes, toxic waste. It’s all ours, Fester. You belong here, old man. Stay.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking. You have a beautiful wife, wonderful children, a wasteland.” Gomez smiled. “I’m in the way.” Gomez’s smile dropped as he looked over at Fester. 

“In the way? My brother?”

“Gomez!” Fester shouts suddenly. “Take care! For you life is all fun and games. A dance in a graveyard. Stench. Decay.”

“How romantic.” Morticia moans.

“Cara mia.” Gomez purrs back, they rush to kiss each other. A knife embed itself in the minimal space between them and Wednesday levels them a glare.

“But things change.”

“Precisly.” Gomez tells him. “You’re back. All those years apart, Fester. We can’t do that again.” He tucks his head into Fester. “You’re home.” Thing hands Gomez a golf club who passes it to Fester. Thing passes another to Gomez. The two prepare their golfballs, launching them at the judge’s house. “Fore.” Gomez calls. Glass shatters and dogs bark.

“Damn you, Addams!” The judge yells.

There was Donovan’s favorite.

The two brothers laugh.

Wednesday and Pugsley come knocking on Fester’s door. “Uncle Fester?” Wednesday calls. 

Uncle Fester is in his room, arms crossed as he tries not to cry.

“Come on, Uncle Fester. Come to the play.” Pugsley says.

“I said I was busy.” The man sniffles.

“But you said you’d help us.” Wednesday reminds him. “With the Shakespear. And the pus.”

“I changed my mind.”

The children turn to each other and then walk off dejectedly.

“Oh, baby Wednesday. My heart.” Enid grabs at her chest dramatically. There was not saving her unicorn, she knew this already.

The family arrives at the school for the play.

A very sweet looking normie teacher calls at them, “Mrs Addams? Can I see you for a moment?”

Morticia separates from her husband to listen to the teacher.

“I’m Susie Firkins. I’m Wednesday’s teacher.”

“What a poor soul she is.’ Weem laughed.

Isadora froze for a moment, “Oh-” She said startled, “Uh- Should you really say that so loud? I mean- as an educator?”

“Oh, Wednesday knows how she is.” Morticia comforted.

“I quite enjoy it, to be correct.”

“Of course, Miss Firkins.” Morticia said. “Wednesday’s told us so much about you.”

The scene swaps to Fester, who is working on a contraption that starts sparking in his face.

It cuts back to the school as Miss Firkins walks Morticia down the halls. “Wednesday is an excellent student, but, frankly, I’m concerned.” She comes to a halt in front of some posters hanging off the wall. “You see, this is our class bulletin board. This month our theme is our heroes, people we love and admire.” She points at one of them. “You see, Susan Ringo has chosen the President. Isn’t that sweet?” She asks Morticia, who just stares at her. She continues. “And Harmony Feld has picked Jane Pauley.”

“Have you spoken to her parents?” Morticia asks.

The teacher's smile fades, she continues on, coming to Wednesday’s poster. “But, Wednesday brought in this picture, Calpurnia Addams.”

Xavier laughed, it was good art for a little girl and so intrinsically Wednesday.

“Wednesday’s great-aunt Calpurnia.” Morticia told her. “She was burned as a witch in 1706. They say she danced naked in the town square and enslaved a minister.”

“Really.” The teacher let out a breathy and concern-filled laugh.

“Oh, yes.” Morticia said. “But, don’t worry. We’ve told Wednesday, college first.”

Tyler would quite like to see that, too bad she wouldn’t be finishing highschool.

“Isn’t he adorable?” Margaret said, pinching her son’s cheeks.

Margaret missed little Tully. He was off enjoying his freshman year of college. She hugged What a little tighter, knowing he’d be next to flee the coop, even if he was still not much older than a toddler.

“I made this myself.” She told them.

“It’s charming.” Morticia said. “What is he? A lizard?”

Tully and Margaret just stared at them a moment before Margaret got offended, “An elf.” She grabbed her son’s face, “Look at you.” She knelt down and licked a napkin to scrub his face. Everyone cringed. “That’s better.” She said as she finished. She pinched his cheeks and he rolled his eyes. “You are too precious for words.” She squished his cheeks. “Why, I could just eat you alive.”

“Oh, no, Margaret.” Morticia said. “Too young.”

The scene shifted and now we watched the choir of children dressed as children sing ‘Getting to Know You.’ The Addams family all are visibly bored.

In the dressing room, Pugsley and Wednesday get ready. 

“Wednesday, Pugsley.” Fester calls from behind them. “I changed my mind.” Tossing a contraption at Pugsley. 

“Uncle Fester.” Wednesday says, excited.

Fester runs off happily.

Outside the mansion, Mrs Bradbury knocks on the door. “Gordon? Gordon? It’s mother.” She starts angrily pounding the door knocker. “Damn it. Where is he? I never should have used him.”

Back in the auditorium, Fester scoots into the seat by the rest of the Addams family.

“I knew you couldn’t stay away, old man.” Gomez says to him.

“Damn it.” Mrs Bradbury complains as she goes around the Addams family home. She knocks on a window. “Gordon! Gordon! Are you there? Gordon.” The vines wrap themselves around her leg and she shouts out. “My goodness! Say! Look! Would somebody come here! Oh my! Oh good-” She screams as the vines pull her to the ground. “Oh my!” They start pulling her under the house.

Back at the school, Wednesday and Pugsley are fighting on stage.

“How all occasions do inform against me,” Wednesday recites, “and spur my dull revenge. O from this time forth.” Their swords clash. “My thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.” 

Pugsley's sword slashed her arm and blood sprays everywhere. Members of the audience gasp.

Enid passes out, falling into Ajax.

“A hit.” Pugsley announces. “A very palpable hit.”

The entire Addams family watches on, thoroughly enjoying the show.

Wednesday slices Pugsley’s arm off, causing even more blood to join hers spraying at the audience and all over the stage. Pugsley slices her neck, Wednesday dramatically turns with the motion, squirting her blood across Tully and Margaret and everyone else in the closer rows.

“O, proud death.” Wednesday says, “What feast is called in thine eternal cell?” She falls forward dropping her sword. “Sweet oblivion, open your arms!” She shouts. She grunts as if dying for a minute, her blood still coating the audience. Finally she falls completely and dies. The red covered audience just stares at them, the Addams clan stands up to clap and cheer. 

Tyler smiled at the familiarity of it, looking down at the more mature Wednesday next to him, just as covered in fake blood as the audience.

“Bravo.” Gomez calls to his children. 

“Bravo.” Morticia joins.

“Bravo.” They repeat.

The audience is still frozen as Wednesday and Pugsley bow.

Ajax gently wakes Enid up.

The scene changes to Wednesday's room, where she lays in her bed, Fester tucks her in.

“There were sailors,” he tells her, “pirates, and a plane full of tourists from Miami Beach. All lost in the Triangle.”

“Uncle Fester, will you take me there someday?” She asks him.

“It’s a promise.”

“And it still stands, Wednesday.” Fester called out to her. Her lips upturned, not quite a smile.

“Goodnight, Wednesday.” 

“Goodnight.”

“You were terrific.”

He kisses her forehead. 

“Uncle Fester?” She pulls a headless doll from under the covers and holds it out to him.

Tyler chuckles. Enid holds a hand over her mouth, barely preventing her from doing the same.

He grabs it and kisses it. She lays it down, then pulls out the dolls head and hands it to him.

This time Enid can’t help but giggle. It was just so Wednesday. 

He kisses the head several times. She sets the head with its body and then crosses her arms over her chest to sleep.

The lights go out.

The moon is shown in the sky.

“A theatrical triumph.” Morticia says. “It’s like a dream.”

Her and Gomez are sat out in the graveyard.

“When we first met it was an evening much like this.” She reminded Gomez. “Magic in the air. A boy. A girl. An open grave.”

Xavier smiled. “That’s kind of like how we met, Wednesday.”

Tyler grit his teeth.

“I suppose.” Wednesday said. “However, if for some reason, which I can’t quite fathom, you believe this fact in any way makes us a mirror of my parent’s relationship, you would be wholly mistaken. They met as potential suspects in a still unsolved murder case, we met because you were a foolish child.”

Okay, that stung. Tyler coughed to hide his smile, but Xavier knew it was there. It rubbed salt in the wound all the same.

“It was my first funeral.” She said.

“You were so beautiful. Pale and mysterious. No one even looked at the corpse.”

“Your cousin, Balthazar. You were still a suspect.”

Donovan silently put his face in his palms, cursing the mysterious universe.

Gomez nods along with a large smile.

“I couldn’t stop staring at you.” She told him. “All through the eulogy. Your eyes. Your moustache. Your laugh.”

“You bewitched me. I proposed that very night.”

“Just think, someday we’ll be buried here. Side by side. Six feet under. In matching coffins”

“Yeah. Hears to the day.” Donovan said, slight sarcasm in his voice.

“Hear hear, my good man.” Gomez cheered in earnest.

“Our lifeless bodies rotting together for all eternity.” She finished.

“Cara mia.”

“Mon savauge.”

The two leaned in to make out passionately. Several different Addams headstones were shown as the scene came to an end.

“In a weird way.” Enid said. “And I mean a seriously weird, like I don't even understand how I walk the same planet as you guys, kinda way,” Enid clarified, “that was kinda cute. Like relationship goals…I guess. I’m actually not entirely sure.”

Chapter Text

In the greenhouse Lurch is caring for Morticia’s plants. Wrapped up in the vines stands Mrs Bradbury.

“Hey, Bigfoot.” She calls. Lurch grunts and peers at her between the branches. “Don’t stare. Just get me out.”

In the dining room the family is eating.

“Did you like the blood?” Pugsley asks Fester.

“I was so proud.”

Morticia smiles. “Weren’t we all?” She turns to Wednesday, who’s slurping up a meat platter, “Wednesday, play with your food.”

Wednesday picks up her fork and starts stabbing at the meat as it tries to move away.

Enid turns green. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“I know exactly what you mean.” Eugene tells her.

From the kitchen Grandmama yells. 

“Mama?”

Grandmama Addams pulls a skeleton arm from the cauldron, “Who put this in here?” 

“What the hell?” Bianca says, pinching the bridge of her nose and squishing her eyes shut.

Fester and Pugsley laugh. “That’s for company.” She says.

“Remind me not to go to your house.” Tyler joked.

“The only way you’re coming home with me is in a body bag.” She returned.

Tyler found the snark cute, but what was better was when his Hyde senses picked up Gomez’s voice, “Cara mia, our little ghoul is flirting.” He smiled to himself. He had already killed for her. If Wednesday wanted him 6 feet under, he’d dig the grave himself, Hydes were good for following orders. She could destroy him. He will destroy her; like a cockroach. 

“Rascals.” Gomez laughed at their antics. He looks up and sees Mrs Bradbury. “Doctor!” Fester’s eyes widen. “You were so right. What an evening.”

“Fester fit right in.” Morticia told the woman.

Mrs Bradbury walked up behind Fester.

“The displacement is over.” Gomez said.

“Well isn’t that nice.” Annoyance and anger coated her voice.

“Does he really have to go?” Wednesday asked.

“Yes, he does.”

Gomez is dejected, “Well, if he insists upon leaving, we shall mark the occasion.” He begins to smile. “Tish?”

“We’ve planned a farewell party.” She tells them.

“We’ve invited the entire clan.”

“What a lovely gesture.” Mrs Bradbury says.

“We’re a family again.” Morticia tells her. “And we owe it all to you Dr Pinder-Schloss.”

“Please. Greta.”

“Im gonna Gret-annoyed if she keeps doing this accent.” Tyler says, all too proud of himself.

Wednesday leans away from him, a disturbed look on her face. Tyler can’t help but chuckle at that. She was too cute sometimes. Not that he would ever voice it, he knew from her case-file that Wednesday has absolutely no qualms when it came to separating a man from his testicals. Call him sentimental, but he was pretty attached to his.

“Greta.” Morticia repeated.

“Fester.” She pats his shoulder. “Walk me out.” She commanded.

Outside Fester tries desperately to plead his case. “I’m fine, mother. I’m completely in control.”

“They’re not you’re family, Gordon. I am.” She reminded him.

“Some family she is.” Tyler's voice was bitter with resentment. Wednesday found it intriguing. She looked up at him, eyebrow raised, studying. There was a dark look in his eyes, were she anyone else perhaps it would have scared her. It was gone before Wednesday had the chance to dissect it.

“They don’t love you. I do.” The woman carried on. “They’re evil, and corrupt, and degraded.”

“Oh, I am so glad that, despite it all, she shared some modicum of respect for us.” Morticia clapped her hands together, a smile playing on her lips.

“I can give you that.” She finishes.

“I’m fine, really.” He tells her.

“We’ll see.” She approaches the gate, “Open up!” She yells at it and it does.

“Your living gate idea might just hold some water.” Divina told her brother.

“‘Hold some water’, seriously, Divina?” She rolled her eyes at him.

It’s nighttime in the Addams mansion. The family parade up the stairs, holding candelabras. Lurch opens the two doors at the top of the steps. Inside is a room empty except for some items covered by sheets. 

“A party?” Fester muses. “For me? Here?”

“Tish, how long has it been since we’ve waltzed?” Gomez asked his wife.

“Oh, Gomez.” She sighs dreamily. They move to start waltzing. “Hours.”

Agnes giggles, startling Eugene. He’d forgotten she was there.

The couple start waltzing. He dips Morticia and she pulls a sheet of a stack of chairs, which serves as the transition to the party.

A large group of mismatched people, with varying gothic styles, dance around the crowded room.

“Is that your entire family?” Tyler asked. He was amazed by the sheer size of it. His own family, afterall, had only ever consisted of Tyler, his mom, and his dad. No aunts or uncles of which to speak. And, now, with his mom long gone…

“Only the ones with physical forms.” 

“What’s with the lady in a wedding dress?” Enid asked.

“Cousin Saturday Addams.” Wednesday tells her.

“Saturday Addams? Really? Wednesday wasn’t weird enough for you freaks?” Donavon asks, almost in disbelief.

“Yes. Like the old folk rhyme, marry on Saturday for no luck at all.” Morticia tells him. “Her mother was a psychic. Saturday’s groomsbride stabbed her 23 times.”

“Ironically,” Wednesday started, “his name was Brutus.”

Pugsley grinned merrily, “He killed himself.” 

The orchestra is shown, one man is playing a snake as an instrument.

There comes a chorus of hisses from under Ajax’s beanie. Enid giggles, ducking into his shoulder.

One woman dances with a candlestick.

Wednesday is shown dancing with a very tall teen hunchback. 

“Oh, Lumpy!” Margaret shouts. “Why, I haven’t seen that boy in ages. I hear he’s grown a second hump.”

“It has been too long.” Morticia agrees. “We really ought to reunite the whole clan sometime soon.”

A very tiny car pulls up. Lurch lifts up the door to reveal cousin Itt. Itt chitters and Lurch smiles. They bow at each other.

Inside the ballroom, Gomez sees his cousin. “Itt, old man.” He calls. Itt chitters in response. 

“You’re right. Far too long.” Morticia tells him.

Itt spots Margaret dancing with Tully and makes his way over to her.

“Don’t let me out of your sight.” She begs Tully. 

“Don’t threaten me Margaret." He whisper-shouts back at her.

“These people are abnormal.” She complains.

“Don’t exaggerate.”

Cousin Itt taps on her with his head. She coils back in disgust. He chitters at her and bows. 

“Oh, by all means.” Tully tells him. “They’re clients, Margaret.” Is all the warning he gives before tossing Margaret over.

Wednesday and Lumpy continue to dance. The height making it awkward as he just throws her side to side. 

“Wednesday?” Morticia calls for her daughter.

“Yes, mother?”

“Would you run upstairs and check on your uncle, please?”

Wednesday breaks away from Lumpy and runs off.

“Why, Lumpy Addams.” Morticia smiles. “Look at you. All grown up.” He smiles widely.

Wednesday climbs up the stairs to check on Fester. 

“Okay, that dress is so cute.” Ms Capri says, sounding like she could just gobble Wednesday up. And not in the cannibalism way. Wednesday finds it disturbing.

She knocks on the door. “Uncle Fester?” She opens the door and enters his room.

“I understand.” Fester whispers.

“I hope so.” Mrs Bradbury whispers back. “And I’m counting on you. Don’t let me down. Don’t buckle.”

Wednesday heads over towards the voices, pressing her ear up against the door.

“It’s not gonna be easy.” Fester tells Mrs Bradbury. “There are people everywhere.”

“You can do it if you just stop whining.” She tells him as she shaves his head. “Nobody likes that, it’s unattractive."

Wednesday opens the door. 

“Alright. Fine.” Fester continues. Neither of them see as Wednesday steps into the room. “I will try and reach the vault tonight. But, if I can’t, well then, that’s it.” He says with certainty. “Okay, mother?” He asks her.

“I knew it.” Wednesday cries out, startling them both. “You are a fake.”

“You sound so sad.” Tyler says with an over exaggerated pout.

“If you value your bottom lip, I suggest you keep it tucked safely under your top one.” Wednesday threatened. 

“Come here, little one.” Mrs Bradbury said, faking a German accent.

Wednesday turns and runs from the room.

“Wednesday!” Fester shouts.

“Get her!” Mrs Bradbury orders him.

Fester starts chasing Wednesday down the hallways. She enters a room and he follows after kicking down the door. Just as he enters, Wednesday has already escaped down a trapdoor. Fester digs his nails into the floor, struggling to open the trapdoor. Wednesday goes sliding out of a tunnel labeled Wednesday. Now outside she runs straight into the graveyard. Fester chases after her, but loses sight of her behind the gravestones and statues.

In the ballroom we see a pair of conjoined twins. “Flora and Fauna Amor.” Gomez calls to them. “I cannot see. I am blinded by such beauty.”

“Gomez Addams.” One of them says.

“You terrible flirt.” The other laughs.

“Always was.” The first adds.

“At least with me.” She bites.

“Copycat.” She insults.

“Tag-along.”

“Why, Gomez.” Morticia interrupts. “The Amor twins. I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Morticia.” Flora starts.

“You nabbed him.” Said Fauna.

“This darling man.”

“He was mine!”

“He was mine!”

“They seem lovely.” Bianca said, voice thick with sarcasm.

Morticia again interrupts their arguing, “Flora, Fauna. How can I compete? You’re twice the woman I am.”

“Tully.” Gomez says as Tully comes over. “The Amor twins.” He introduces. “They’re waiting for Fester. Amuse them.”

“Hello, Tully.” One sister says.

“Oh my god.” Is all Tully says.

Meanwhile, Itt and Maragaret are still dancing and talking. Margaret is deeply interested in Itt.

“You mean you don’t know? It’s too intriguing.” The twins tell Tully.

“Now that Fester’s back, he’s king of the castle again, isn’t he.” The other sister continues.

“Fester’s the older brother, so he gets it all. The house, the money, you name it.”

“Fester’s still single, isn’t he?”

“Are you Mr Alford?”

“Why, Fauna.” He says to her.

“I’m Fauna.” Says the other twin, outraged.

“I’m Flora.”

“I’m flattered. Excuse me, ladies.” He says, getting up to leave.

Fester crawls in through a window. “I can’t find her anywhere.” He informs Mrs Bradbury. “Let’s just leave. Out the back.”

“Now pull yourself together.” She admonishes him. “She’ll turn up the little cockroach.”

Tyler’s lips upturn. She was a little cockroach.

“You get to the party or they’ll suspect something.” She commands him. “I’ll be down soon.”

“Yes, mother.” He obeys.

He enters the party. “Everyone.” Morticia announces. “Your attention, please.”

The music cuts.

“Tonight we dance for our treasured guest of honor, Fester Addams.”

Everyone claps at her words.

“The mamushka.” Gomez says, dressed in traditional clothing. “Taught to us by our Cossack cousins, the mamushka has been an Addams family tradition since God knows when. We danced the mamushka when Nero fiddled. We danced the mamushka at Waterloo. We danced the mamushka for Jack the Ripper. And now, Fester Addams, this mamushka is for you.”

He grabs Fester’s hand and begins the dance. Fester is stiff at first but as the dance continues he quickly knows what to do, almost intuitively. They headbut to end the dance.

“Ow.” Lucas winces, rubbing his own forehead.

“Where are you going?” Mrs Bradbury questions Tully. “There’s trouble.”

“Hey.” He tells her. “Not to worry. Plan B.”

“But that hideous little girl knows-”

Tyler’s face scrunched. 

“Wednesday was an adorable kid.” Enid shouts at the screen, voicing Tyler’s own frustration. 

“Ten minutes. I’ll be back.” He stops her.

The brothers continue to dance, Fester knowing every move. Gomez throws him into the air and Gomez flips several times. The music intensifies as Gomez throws knives to Fester. They dance with the knives, clinging them against each other as they do.  They step away from each other and start to juggle the knives with practiced precision. Morticia plays the violin with all her soul. Gomez throws a knife into the air and Fester catches the blade in his mouth.

“Mamusha, mamushka.” Gomez sings. “He comes for his mamushka. With a hey, and a hey, and a hey, and a hey, and a hey, and a hey, and a hey, and a hey.” He continues bounding across the screen. His eyes get big and he yells out “Wait!” Gomez turns to Fester. “I swear by Mummy and Daddums, this detestable Fester’s the echt Fester Addams!” He grabs the knife from Fester’s mouth and chucks it into the floor. “So, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” They carry on singing. “Let’s dance the dance of brotherly love! Mamushka!”

Tully is over at the judge’s house. “What the hell is going on over there?” The man yells.

“How would you like to be rid of the Addamses for good?” Tully asks the grumpy judge. “I’m serious.”

“What can I do for you?” He asks with a smile.

Tully pulls him close, “You are gonna love this.”

Margaret stands on the balcony, Itt by her side, as she stares down at her wedding ring. “We’ve been married for almost 20 years.” She tells him. “Sometimes it seems like more.” Itt chitters at her. “Well, people grow. People change.” More chittering as Itt leans further into her space. She giggles at him. “Isn’t it a beautiful night?” She sighs dreamily. 

Fester is being kissed by the twins, lipstick marks coat his bald head. 

“You’ll come see me before you leave, won’t you, Fester?” One asks.

“I’ll call, once I’m alone.” The other tells him.

“There’s your ride, girls.” Gomez informs them. They head off to a car where two men start strapping them into a straight jacket.

“Always the thing for crazy women.” Fester laughs, nudging Debbie.

She smiles, “I’m passionate, darling, not crazy.”

Margaret is saying goodbye to Itt. “You’re a marvelous dancer.” She compliments him, her voice airy. “It’s been such fun.” Itt chitters at her. “Oh, I can’t. We musn’t.”

Bianca turns to look at the womans swollen stomach and the litter of mini-Itts, “It would appear you hast.”

“Maybe I’m a bad person!” Enid said, throwing her hands up, “But like, kinda iconic. I mean, you and that Tully dude were way past your expiration date.” 

Itt drives off. “Call me.” She shouts after him.

Running up the stairs, still excited, Fester cheers and dances “Mamushka, mamushka! I swallowed with one whoosh-ka! And a hey, and a hey, and a hey, and a hey, and a hey!” He kicks the wall. He barges into his own room, still cheering and dancing while approaching Mrs Bradbury.

“Gordan.” She calls.

He just starts to dance with her. 

“Gordon. Gordon. Gordon, stop.” She complains. “Stop it! Stop it this instant!”

Fester halts. 

“Is that lipstick all over your face?” She asks him.

“From the twins.” He cheers, sinking to his knees. “The beauteous Amor twins.”

“The twins? Gordon, I don’t understand this. Let me get this clear. Have you been having a good time?”

“Yes! I have!” He tells her. “It was marvelous. I sang up a storm and danced till I dropped! The mamushka, the mamushka!” He returns to singing.

She sits down, absolutely done with him as he continues to sing and dance.

“Mother?” He calls when he notices her silence.

“Mother? Mother? Who is that?” She guilt trips him. “I don’t think I recall.”

He kneels beside her. “Mother, please.”

“I’m just fine. I’m dandy. Don’t concern yourself about me, Gordon. Please, return to your depraved orgy.”

“We should have more of those.” Gomez tells Morticia.

Everyone's face scrunches up.

“Sometimes I think you’re not even my son.” She tells him.

“Don’t say that.” He begs, climbing onto the bed.

“I’m just your mother. You owe me your entire existence on this planet.”

Enid wonders if there is any relation between her mother and this woman.

“Please, Gordon, by all means, go sing, dance, date.”

“Oh, mother, I’m so terribly sorry.” He collapses on the bed, sobbing. “It was just a party. It’s over. It means nothing. The siamese twins, the hunchback, cousin Itt; they’re not you.”

She snatches his face. “Say it, Gordon. Make me believe it.”

Tyler felt bile rise in his throat.

“I love you. And I want money.”

“We’ve got to find Tully.” She determines.

Down in the now empty ballroom Gomez pulls the lid off of a large serving platter. Pugsley is curled up on it. “Our little boy.” Morticia says. 

“All tuckered out.” Gomez says.

“It’s so sweet. He looks just like a little entree.”

Pugsley wakes up. “Where’s the party?” He asks.

“As observant then as he is now.” Wednesday quips.

“It’s over, darling.” Morticia tells him. “Have you seen your sister?”

“Not since before the mamushka.”

Morticia turns to her husband. “Gomez.” 

In the graveyard, Lurch unrolls a map of the estate.

Tyler couldn’t begin to imagine needing a map of his home. Xavier couldn’t begin to imagine his father searching for him.

“Fan out.” Gomez instructs everyone. “Pugsley, head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I’ll take the abyss. Lurch, check out the bottomless pit.” He looked around. “Fester?” 

“Up here!” He responded from the window. 

“Fester, you take the ravine and the unmarked abandoned well.”

“Someone should stay behind in case she comes back.” He suggested. 

“Good man. Good thinking!” Gomez approves. 

“Then who’ll take the swamp?” Grandmama Addams asks.

Thing taps on Gomez’s shoes.

“That’s the spirit, Thing.” Gomez tells him. “Lend a hand. Let’s go!”

The family splits off in search of Wednesday.

“Gordon!” Mrs Bradbury shouts. “Don’t dawdle.”

In the library Tully tans using the book ‘The Sun Also Rises’.

“You have a home-made zoom tan and you still are that pale?” Enid asks her roommate. Wednesday just glares.

“What are you doing?” She shouts at him.

“I’m relaxing. Taking a little sun.”

“Have you gone mad?” She is getting agitated.

“Au contraire.” He tells her. 

Outside Lurch lifts up a car to check for Wednesday. 

“Wednesday!” Pugsley yells, navigating through thick brush. “Wednesday!”

“Wednesday!” Grandmama calls as well. 

Thing hops across lily pads.

Gomez goes towards the family crypt. In there he finds Wednesday fast asleep.

Enid bites her top lip, holding back her smile.

Tyler once again could picture it. A little girl, just like Wednesday. Knocked out just like Wednesday. Maybe in a more normal spot though; like the back seat of the truck, out on the dock, or on the forest ground when Tyler’d take her hunting. She’d probably have a crossbow in her arms, or some other archaic weapon like that. 

Gomez gently picked up the sleeping girl. She didn’t stir at all.

The scene flashed to the gates of the Addams home, which rattled wildly. On the door were new signs reading ‘Addams Family Keep Out’ and ‘No Trespassing’. There was even police tape for good measure.

“What is all this?” Gomez asks as the family approaches their home.

“This is a restraining order.” Tully tells him, holding up the document.

“A restraining order?”

“Yes. It requires you to keep a distance of one thousand yards from this house.”

“I am restrained from my own house?”

“Not your house, mustache. Not anymore. It belongs to the oldest living descendant. The elder brother. Fester Addams.”

“Fester adores Gomez.” Morticia pleads with Tully. 

“No, no. He’s afraid of him.” Tully tells her. “Seeing the twins brought it all back. You’re bitter rivals, Gomez.”

“I demand to speak to Fester!” Gomez tells Tully, stepping closer to the gate.

Tully jumps back. “Sorry. No can do. He’s very hurt. Just leave.” The gates rattle like an angry dog as Tully head back towards the home.

“But he isn't even Uncle Fester.” Wednesday says to her mother.

Morticia's head snaps up to look at Gomez, Gomez turns around to look at Wednesday.

“Have no fear.” He tells her. “Justice shall prevail.”

Donavon and Weems were pretty okay if it didn’t.

“The courts will decide. They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with God as my witness, I am that fool.”

“Thats not…” Xavier starts.

In court the judge speaks. “Therefore, it is with no small amount of personal satisfaction,” he smiles more with each word, “that I declare Fester Addams legal executor of the Addams Estate and rightful owner of all possessions and properties contained therewithin, with one exception. Gomez Addams, I believe these are yours.” He says as he lifts up a bail, cackling as he dumps out all of the golf balls.

The scene shifts and Gomez is sulking in their car as the family packs all of their items onto it. 

Lurch is bringing a dead tree. Grandmama has her cauldron.

Wednesday mopes as she carries her headless doll over. Pugsley is also pouting as he brings his suitcase to the car.

Morticia steps out, her only item is one of her plants. Thing follows behind her with a red wagon full of his own possessions.

“This is actually so sad.” Yoko says.

“I know.” Lucas tells her. “I kind of feel bad for those outcasts.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you do.” Xavier bites. The water was still very much over the bridge, it was drowning the trolls.

Fester watches them leave from the window, half ready to cry. Gate whimpers as they leave.

The scene shifts. We now see the three conspirators in the room with the pulleys. Each of them grabs one. Each of them gets sent flying as they had chosen incorrectly. They’re spit out by Wednesday and Pugsley's chutes.

“You are doing this on purpose!” Mrs Bradbury yells at Fester.

“That’s right, mother.” His voice is steeped in sarcasm. “Isn’t this fun?”

“I’ll race you back.” Says Tully.

In a motel, Gomez sits, a broken man. Thing rubs his head. 

“Yes, we’ve been forced from our home.” Morticia says. “Yes, we’ve been betrayed by those we trusted. But we are Addamses, and we will not submit. Who recalls the fable of the ‘Tortoise and the Hare’?”

“I’m actually shocked that you know that one.” Tyler told her.

“The swift yet lazy little cottontail and his slow but determined companion?” She asked the children. “What does this story teach us?”

“Kill the hare!” Grandmama said. “Skin it. Boil it.”

“Put the tortoise on the highway.”

“Girl, what is wrong with you?” Bianca asked. Everyone laughing out of pure shock, especially considering how innocent Wednesday looked saying it.

“During rush hour!” Pugsley added.

“Roadkill dinner!” Baby Pubert cheered.

“Yes. We will survive.” Morticia concluded. “Poison us. Strangle us. Break our bones.”

“Oh, mi amor, such filth.” Gomez purred. “Such sexy, sexy, filth.”

Struggling to not look at the goth girl to his side, Tyler realized some new things about himself.

“We will come back for more.” She continued. “And why?”

“Because we like it.” Grandmama cheered.

“Because we’re Addamses.” Pugsley cried.

“We’re Addamses.” Gomez echoed.

Outside the motel Wednesday and Pugsley set up a lemonade stand. In front of Wednesday were a variety of poisons. Pugsley had steaming potions laid out in front of him. 

“Here, Lurch. On the house.” He offered up a cup to the butler.

He drank some. His stomach started rumbling and then fire shot from his mouth.

In an employment office Morticia talked with a counselor. “We have so many homemakers reentering the workforce.” The woman told Morticia. “Your domestic skills can be very valuable. College?” She asks.

“Private tutors.”

“Major?”

“Spells and hexes.”

The woman looks up with a laugh, “Liberal arts. And what about your husband? Is he currently employed?”

“He’s going through a bad patch at the moment, but it’s not his fault.”

“Of course not.” She says, then her face turns a little sour. “What is he? A loafer? A hopeless layabout? A shiftless dreamer?”

“Yeah she’s going through something.” Enid said, eyes wide.

“She reminds me of Principle Weems.”

Weems' lip curls, but she chooses not to respond.

“Not anymore.” Morticia tells her.

The woman's smile drops.

A girl scout walks by the stand.

“Is this made from real lemons?” She asks.

“Yes.” Wednesday tells her.

“I only like all natural fruits and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives.”

Enid leans forward in her seat so she can properly make eye contact with Tyler. “This is why we hate normies.”

A wry smile plays on his face, he leans forward the same way she did and tells her, “I work in a cafe. She’s why I hate normies too.” It wasn’t really a lie either. Sure, his vendetta was with outcasts, but normies fucking sucked.

“Are you sure they’re real lemons?” The little girl nags.

“Yes.” Pugsley tells her.

“Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies.” She offers. “Do we have a deal?”

“Are they made from real girl scouts?” Wednesday asks.

Donovan’s teeth grind so hard he thinks ones gonna chip, especially when he looks down to where his son sits right up against that same little murderer’s daughter. Tyler might just send him to an early grave.

The girl enters a staring contest with Wednesday before just turning up her nose and walking off.

In a kindergarten classroom Morticia reads to a group of children. “And so, the witch lured Hansel and Gretel into the candy house by promising them more sweets. And she told them to look in the oven. And she was about to push them in when, lo and behold, Hansel pushes the poor, defenseless witch into the oven instead, where she was burned alive. Writhing in agony.” The children just stared at her. “Now, boys and girls, what do you think that feels like?” The children start sobbing.

Thing scans through a newspaper, looking for work. The scene cuts to an office where he drags office supplies behind him in a little wagon. As he races through the office he startles everyone he comes across. He very quickly sorts where each item needs to go.

In the motel Gomez watches television, looking absolutely defeated.

“Welcome to the show.” A woman on tv says. “Voodoo witch doctors here in the United States-”

“Here, kitty, kitty.” Grandmama Addams calls as she goes past the window, bat raised in the air.

“Your Grandmama is something.” Tyler says with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Do they really exist or is this just tabloid hooey?” The woman asks. “We’d love you to call in with your comments.”

In the Addams dining room Mrs Bradbury and Fester sit at opposite ends of the dining table. “After lunch, we’ll try again.” She tell him.

“Yes, mother.” He says tiredly.

“We’ll find the money.” She promises him. “Meanwhile, we have this little nest. Quiet and cozy. Without that dreadful family.”

“Yes, mother.”

In the motel, “So you claim that your son was brainwashed by voodoo witch doctors and forced to recruit others.” The woman interviews an audience member. “Let’s take a call.”

Gomez has called in, his eyes wide and excited. “Hello, Sally.”

“Mr Addams.” The woman says to the camera, “Please stop calling. We do not know where they meet. Let’s take another call.” He slams the phone down and switches the channel.

“Gomez, why don’t we go for a drive?” Morticia offered. “The whole family.”

“A drive? And miss Gilligan?”

Grandmama opened the door to tell them “Dinner’s gonna be late.”

“Tell me you guys didn’t.” Enid pleaded. So Wednesday kept silent. Enid whimpered.

“Here, boy. Here, boy.” She can be heard shouting outside. A dog barks in response.

“Dog! Wednesday?” Enid shrieks.

Back at the mansion Mrs Bradbury calls out “Gordon? Gordon?”

Fester has his head pressed against Gate as he cried. 

In the motel Morticia cradles a sleeping Gomez in their bed. She looks over to the bed where Wednesday and Grandmama are sleeping and then to where Pugsley sleeps on Lurch, and Thing on Pugsley. A determined look crosses her face.

Alone in the night Morticia goes outside. She heads to the mansion.

“I would like to speak with Fester, please.” She says, walking straight pass Tully.

Thing follows behind her.

Fester and Tully strap Morticia onto a rack as Mrs Bradbury watches.

“You’re a desperate woman. Consumed by greed and bitterness.” She tells her. “We could have been such friends.”

“Gordon, let’s get started.” Mrs Bradbury tells Fester.

“But, mother.”

“Stop stalling.”

“I’m not stalling. Stop badgering me.” He retorts.

Thing creeps up to the window.

“The vault, Mrs Addams, any thoughts?” Mrs Bradbury asks.

“None whatsoever.” Morticia replies.

“Tully, take over. Tighten it.”

“But I got this stomach thing when I torture people.” He complains.

Itt chitters. “It is a wonder I ever married him.” Margaret agrees.

“Do it.” She orders.

He turns the wheel, tightening the rack.

“Again.” She tells him. He turns it more.

Morticia moans.

Can you blame Tyler if he pictured Wednesday on that rack? Making those same noises. He squirmed a little in his chair. Wednesday looked at him like he had lost his mind, which, maybe he had.

“Tighter.”

He tightened it again. Morticia moans again.

“How about a fourth child, my love?”

Morticia smiled at him.

“You’ve done this before.” Morticia purrs with a smile.

Thing rushes through traffic trying to get back to the motel., narrowly avoiding being hit by cars. He knocks on the door, waking up Gomez.

“What? Who is it? We’re paid through Thursday.”

Thing signs to Gomez.

“Morticia. Morticia. Morticia what? Slow down! It’s terrible when you stutter.”

Thing flails wildly, making a mess as he tries to explain the predicament. Finally he settles on morse code.

“Morticia. In. Danger. Stop. Send. Help. At. Once. Stop!”

Gomez jumped up from his seat.

“You can’t!” Fester yelled. “Not with red-hot pokers!”

Mrs Bradbury is knelt by the fire, heating up the pokers.

“She’s gonna be into this isn’t she.” Bianca asks to nobody but herself. Xavier is about to respond, but Bianca speaks before he can. “Of course she will, why would I even ask,” She threw her hands up in a daze, "I'm done. I’m done. I am done.” She repeated, her voice trailing off.

Xavier scrunches his face like he's about to deliver bad news. “This is only the first thing we have to watch.”

Bianca scream-groans into her fist, biting it hard enough to draw blood.

“Is this gonna smell?” Tully asks.

“Tully Alford.” Morticia calls for him. “Charlatan, deadbeat, parasite. How Gomez adored you.” 

“Well, not enough.” He told her.

“Morticia, please.” Fester begged her.

“And, dear Fester, which is the real you? The loathsome, underhanded, monster you’ve become, or the loathsome, underhanded, monster we came to love?”

“Don’t ask me.” He tells her. 

Gate opens up for the Addams family vehicle. 

“I know what you’re feeling, Fester.” Morticia tells him.

“Gordon!” Mrs Bradbury interrupts them. “Gordon, I have a thought, just a notion, top of my head. Tell me what you think? Since you and Mrs Addams are so very close,” she hands him the fire-poker, “be my guest.” 

Gomez flips through a window, shattering glass everywhere. 

“Addams!” Mrs Bradbury yells in shock.

“Cara mia.” Gomez calls.

“Mon cher.”

Thing gives Gomez his saber.

“Darling, take care.” Morticia tells him.

Tully attacks with his own saber from behind the wall. 

“Dirty pool, old man.” Gomez says to Tully. “Never again.” He vows.

They begin to fight, swinging at each other's heads. Tully cuts Gomez’s hand a little bit. 

“One for you, Tully.” Gomez says, a crazed look in his eyes. “And, now-”

He goes back to fighting. He manages to steal Tully’s saber. He puts Tully’s head between the two blades.

“Gomez.” The man cries out. “I’m on retainer.”

“Let him up.” Mrs Bradbury orders him, she is brandishing a small gun.

After a moment Gomez releases him. “That’s right.” Mrs Bradbury says. “Now get moving, Addams. Take him to the vault. And if you’re not back in one hour, I displace her.” She tacks on the German accent to the last clause.

“Tish, seeing you like this, my blood boils.”

“As does mine.”

They lean closer.

“This wheel of pain.” He purrs.

“Our wheel.” She corrects sensually.

“To live without you, only that would be torture.”

“A day alone, only that would be death.”

“There is like actual torture and death though, so like, nah dude.” Ajax says.

They move in to kiss. “Knock it off.” Mrs Bradbury interrupts them. They both turn to her, offended. “The vault, Addams. Right now.”

Gomez goes over to the book shelves.

“But, mother, can't we-”

“Can it, Gordon! Stop dragging your feet. You disgust me! You’re nothing but a useless, sniveling, baby! A stone around my neck! What was I thinking?” She shouted, Fester’s face shows he’s on his last straw with her. “I should have left you where I found you!”

Fester turns quickly. “No tricks, Gomez.” He screams. “That’s the wrong book.” Gomez moves his hand away from the ‘Greed” book. Fester picks up ‘Hurricane Irene: Nightmare from Above’. “Allow me.” He tells Gomez. 

“Good show, old man.” Gomez whispers to him.

Fester turns around brandishing the book. “Put that book down, Gordon.” Tully instructs him. “You don’t know what it can do.” Him and Mrs Bradbury both step backwards from Fester as he steps forward. “It’s not just literature.”

“Oh, really?” He opens the book for half a second, blasting them with wind. 

Gomez goes to help Morticia. “Quickly, darling.” She tells him.

“Gordon, I’m your friend.” Tully pleads. “Think of the doubloons.”

“They’re not yours, Tully.” Fester reminds him. “Back off!”

“Leather straps, red hot pokers.” It’s clear Gomez is horny.

“Later, my dearest.” She promises.

“Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to mother.”

“I’ll never listen to you. Never ever again.” 

“I had to be strict with you because I cared.” She attempts to manipulate him, “Put it down!”

“You never really loved me.”

“Fester, this way.” Gomez called him over.

“Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!” She insulted him.

Tully winces.

“You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!” He opens the book, releasing the hurricane onto them.

“Fuck yeah.” Enid cheered, her nails came shooting out in excitement.

The hurricane threw everything around and lightning shot through the air. It sent Tully and Mrs Bradbury flying out of the window. Meanwhile Fester grabbed the book, he was zapped in the head by a bolt of lightning. The hurricane ended as the book fell closed. Tully and Mrs Bradbury went flying into two open caskets the children had prepared for them.

“Scary.” Tyler whispered into Wednesday’s ear with a smirk.

“Are they dead?” Pugsley asked his sister.

“Does it matter?

What chittered. “Yes, honey. Momma’s late-husband, your brother’s dad, did get buried alive. I’ll take you to his grave next time we visit Cemetery Lane.” What chittered happily.

The screen goes black before a time card informs us the seven months have passed. 

A group of kids in traditional costumes comes bounding up the Addams family doorstep. They knock on the door. “Trick or-” They begin to say, but upon seeing Lurch, scream in terror and run off. Lurch grunts sadly, the small smile dropping. 

“Here we come!” Pugsley said.

Morticia is held up on Gomez’s shoulder.

Tyler bets he could do that to Wednesday.

“Pugsley, old man.” Gomez calls to his son.

“Why, look at you.” Morticia says.

Fester’s jaw drops as he sees that Pugsley is dressed like him.

“How do you like it?” Pugsley asks him.

“What can I say? He’s gonna break hearts.”

“Trick or treat.” Margaret say as her and Itt walk in. She’s a fairy and he’s a cowboy. 

“Hello Margaret.” Morticia greets. “Cousin Itt, I almost didn’t recognize you.”

“Isn’t he handsome? Everyone keeps asking where he bought his costume.”

“It is a wonderful hat.” Gomez compliments.

Margaret sees Wednesday, who’s just wearing a dress. “What are you, darling? Where’s your costume?”

“This is my costume.” Wednesday informs her. “I’m a homicidal maniac.”

“I bet you are.” Donovan says.

“She would if she could, I’m sure.” Weems tells him. “But we’re keeping a tight leash on that one.”

“How about you tug that leash so she gets away from my son.”

“If anything,” Ms Capri notes, “in my, thus far unbiased, opinion, it seems like he’s going after her and she is barely entertaining it.”

“Barely entertaining for mi viperina is the same as unadulterated lust from anyone else.” Gomez told her with a wink.

Donovan wrinkled his nose. That was not promising news when you're stuck providing for a teen boy by yourself.

“They look just like everyone else.”

How true, Wednesday. Tyler smiled, sharp teeth bared. It was violent, once again, Wednesday felt intrigued.

Lurch paints Fester and Pugsley. 

“I’m so glad I can spend this night with my family.” Fester tells them. “Now that I got my memory back.”

“Wait.” Ajax said, entirely confused, “So that was Fester all along?”

Enid giggled. “Oh my god. Ajax you, like, need to stop getting stoned.”

“Thank God for that lightning.” Grandmama said. “Knocked some sense into you.”

Itt chittered. “You remember, old man.” Gomez said. “Dr Pinder-Schloss really did find Fester tangled in a tuna net 25 years ago, with amnesia.”

“From the Bermuda Triangle.” Wednesday supplied.

Itt chittered some more.

“How true.” Morticia replied. “Stranger things have happened.” She said as she knit.

“Please, Uncle Fester.” Pugsley begged.

“Pugsley.” Gomez warned.

“For the picture.” The boy continued.

Fester grabbed the light bulb and stuck the end in his mouth, the lightbulb turned on.

“Alright, everybody. Time for a game.” Gomez told them. “What shall it be? Bobbing for apples?”

“Charades?” Margaret suggested.

Itt chittered.

“Of course.” Morticia said. “Wake the Dead.”

“Wake the Dead!” Fester echoed.

“Wake the Dead!” Repeated Gomez. “Out to the cemetery! Come on everyone.”

“I’ve never played this before.” Margaret said, excited. “How does it go?”

Grandmama asked her. “Did you bring a shovel?”

“Uncle Fester, will you be on my team?” Pugsley asked.

“No, mine.” Wednesday begged him.

“I’ll tell you what, we’ll give you a headstart. Three skulls and a pelvis, how’s that?”

“He only didn’t choose because I’m the favorite.” She told her brother, smiling vindictively.

Her cruelty was painfully attractive, Tyler thought.

“My own dear brother.” Fester said to Gomez. Shaking his hand before flipping him over his shoulder. They both laugh. “Come on!”

“We’ll catch up.” Morticia told him. 

Fester ran off with his shovel.

“Wake the dead! Wake the dead!” Pugsley yelled through the graveyard.

Wednesday hit her shovel against a statue. “Uncle Atlas, wake up.”

“Come on, Aunt Leborgia, wake up.”

“No, no, children.” Fester stopped them “You have to dig. That’s half the fun.”

Morticia and Gomez walked out to the doorstep, watching their family.

“Oh, Tish. What more could we ask?”

Morticia smiled, something secret hidden in her face. “Gomez.” She whispered. Then she held up what she had been knitting, a baby onesie with three legs. 

Gomez smiled. “Cara mia, is it true?”

“Oui.” She reached her arms around his neck. “Mon amour.”

The two kiss passionately as he dips her.

“And that’s how we ended up with that.” Wednesday told them, the disgust dancing on the tip of her tongue.

Pugsley yelled as he dug. “Wake up, Grandpa Addams! It’s Halloween!”

“Children look!” Fester announced. “It’s great-aunt Lavernia! She was beheaded by her own children!”

Wednesday and turned to look at her mother, Morticia smiled and waved her fingers back.

“Yay!” They yelled and ran over.

Morticia and Gomez continue their kiss as the movie ends.

“That was actually kind of cute. Weird as shit, but cute.” Bianca said. “I mean, ya’ll have better relationships than my family, and we’re at least semi-normal.”

Xavier nodded. Tyler definitely could agree with that.

Chapter Text

Fester moans and howls at the moon.

Enid had to restrain herself, lest she join in.

Wolves howl back at Fester.

In the cemetery Wednesday’s voice can be heard, “Come sorrow, we welcome thee. Let us join in grief. Rejoice in despair. And honor the fortunate dead.”

Wednesday, Pugsley, and their Grandmama come into frame, they are both kneeling on the ground. Wednesday has a box in her arms.

“Dearly beloved.” Grandmama says. She bows her head a bit.

“Oh, did you lose a pet?” Ms Capri asks them gently. Losing a pet always hurts.

Wednesday smirked, “We didn’t lose her. I remember exactly where we buried Mittens.”

“You-” Tyler chuckled in disbelief, “had a cat named Mittens?”

The box rattles and meows. Wednesday shushes it.

“What the fuck, Wednesday!” Enid screamed. 

Wednesday turned to look up at Tyler. “I never said she was our cat.”

This girl was twisted. She might be a monster. He might be in love.

Agnes was in awe. Eugene scoots away from her, she was giving him the willies.

Grandmama tsk-ed at the cat before starting to bury it. Wednesday laid a withered rose on top of it.

In the home, Lurch plays the organ. Gomez and Thing arm wrestle while Morticia knits. Gomez is struggling but manages to overpower Thing, winning the match. 

“Good show, old man.” He says, shaking the hand.

“Gomez.” Morticia calls from the couch.

“Cara mia?”

“Marvelous news.” She says smoothly. “I’m going to have a baby.”

“Didn’t we already establish this?” Xavier was confused.

She looks around for a second before adding, “Right now.”

Thing shoves open the double doors in the hospital. The staff roll Morticia through the hallway on a gurney.

“Nurse,” A doctor asks, “how close are the contractions?”

“Every 15 seconds, doctor.”

Gomez moves next to the gurney, holding Morticia's hand as he leans over her. “Are you in unbearable pain?”

Donovan unconsciously inhales. He remembers when Francoise was in labor with Tyler. He thought she would turn into that thing right there in the hospital.

“Is it inhuman? My darling, is it torture?” He asks.

“Oui.” She says, a smile on her face.

Tyler for what must be the millionth time looks down at Wednesday. If that was how the women in her family reacted to labor, then he couldn’t help but think of the possibilities. In his most private fantasies he could picture an entire Galpin-Addams clan. No, not right, Addams-Galpin. Wednesday would never let her family name come last, she had more pride than that. Or perhaps she wouldn’t want to be anything but an Addams. Well, all the better, it’s not as though Tyler had any meaningful connection to the name Galpin. In fact, a darker part of his brain supplied, it would be more fun to make sure the Galpin name dies with his sorry excuse of a father. 

As his thoughts trail off he notices Wednesday staring at him puzzled. 

He’s been staring at her for some time now, Wednesday noted. His eyes were wild, and it looked like a war raged in his head. It reminded her of a woman her Uncle had brought home, ten people in one. And to think Tyler called her kooky, but he was almost as kooky as her. Impressive for a normie.

Gomez passionately kisses her hand.

In the waiting room Pugsley and Wednesday listen to another little girl talking to them. “And then mommy kissed daddy.” She told them. “And the angel told the stork.” Pugsley rolled his eyes. “And the stork flew down from heaven. And left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch. And the diamond turned into a baby.”

“She’s certainly imaginative.” Morticia said. 

“I hope the parents dealt with it.” Grandmama Fump said, disgusted.

“Our parents are having a baby too.” Pugsley told her.

“They had sex.” Wednesday said.

Enid choked on air and Tyler snorted. 

In the delivery room Morticia is giving birth. “Push, Mrs Addams.” He tells her.

She shows no pain as she pushes.

“Forceps.”

“Forceps.” The nurse echoes. Grabbing the forceps and Thing with them. Seeing the hand she screams and chucks Thing out the doors and into another delivery room where he slaps a newborn in the butt before the doctor can.

“Mrs Addams, would you like anesthesia?” The doctor asks her.

“No thank you, but do ask the children.” She replies.

“Cara mia.”

“Mon cher.” Gomez returns to kissing her hand.

“Mrs Addams, the baby?” The doctor reminds her.

“Pardon.” She tells Gomez.

In the waiting room Wednesday and Pugsley argue.

“It’s a boy.” Says Pugsley.

“It’s a girl.” She argues, voice void of any emotion.

Gomez barges into the room. Everyone stands up.

“Gomez!” Fester cheers. 

“What news?” Grandmama Addams asks.

“Father, what is it?” Wednesday asks.

“It’s an Addams!” Gomez exclaims.

Back at the mansion now, Thing skateboards down the hall.

“Thing?” Enid shouts at the hand. “I love skateboarding, and rollerblading! Omg, we absolutely need to go to the skate park sometime. I know some werewolves that can do some crazy shit.”

He does some tricks, going up the walls, flipping and spinning the board. When he’s done he rolls the skate board away.

Gomez and Morticia head up the stairs, carrying the newborn.

“I’ve arranged a little surprise, my dearest.” Gomez tells her. “I hope you like it.”

Thing opens the door revealing the nursery. The painted walls where two vultures stare down at a lamb, with large cartoony spiders, and sharks eating smaller sharks.

“Oh, Gomez. It’s dark, it’s depressing, it's desolate.”

The mobile is several knives hanging over the black bassinet.“It says toddler.” Gomez muses. 

Ms Capri gasps, hands quickly launching to her mouth.

Grandma and Grandpa Addams would not be allowed to decorate Lenore Addam’s nursery, Tyler decided. Nor would her mother, he clarified to himself.

“It’s a dream.”

“Come, cara mia.”

They go towards a gothic bassinet, “The Addams family cradle.” She noted. They laid the baby into the crib. He had jet black hair and a little mustache.

Maybe the Addams genes would cancel out the Hyde, what with how strong they are. Maybe- no, that was a dangerous thought, he knew that these little fantasies would only ever be that. That soon this ethereal being would be in her family graveyard, buried right next to somebody's cat. He knew he would die soon too, that the life ‘mama’ had given him wasn’t sustainable. That he would never be able to rot for all eternity with her, let alone enjoy the pitter patter of children and grandchildren's feet. 

Wednesday watched Tyler. He was intriguing. Within a moment she had watched his face shift from that sickeningly bright smile to eyes threatening to spill over with tears. She had also never seen his emotions be so…volitile. “Grandmama.” Wednesday called. “My skin is about to peel off from this paint. Would we be excused to wash off.” To be entirely clear, she told herself, this was not done as a favor to Tyler. She simply couldn’t bare to witness someone be quite so pathetic. And her skin was starting to peel, and as enjoyable as that’d be, she couldn’t exactly observe the normie boy very well if she had other distractions. He was an experiment, nothing more, she reasoned.

“Ah, why not.” Grandmama shrugged, releasing them.

Chapter Text

Wednesday stood in front of the mirror, de-silvered with age. She wiped the paint off of her face with rough presses of the rag.

“That normie.” Enid grinned as she fussed with her hair, still flattened from her pink wig. “He digs you.”

“What has he dug for me?” Wednesday asked. “Did he go out to the graveyard?”

Enid rolled her eyes in affection and twisted her body away from the mirror. Her hands snatched Wednesday’s shoulders, turning the other girl so she could look in her eyes. Eyes that, at the moment, held a childlike confusion. Sometimes her roommate was just too adorable for anyone’s sake. “I swear that boy was gazing at you with the same hunger that my brothers have when they see steak tartare. And don't get me started on how he looked at you whenever sexy time was brought up.” She giggled a bit and released Wednesday from her grip.

“He was probably disturbed.”

“He adjusted himself.” Enid informed her. Then her face scrunched up for a second. “If anyone was disturbed it was me.”

Wednesday fixed the werewolf with a glare. “People traditionally squirm in discomfort, Enid.”

Enid gave her a once over. “He is in love with you.”

Wednesday’s eyes widened, just enough that Enid barely caught it before she schooled her expression. “It’ll pass.” She rubbed off the final splotch of paint on her face, chucked the rag into the bin, and charged out the door.

Enid looked back into the mirror and smiled at herself. “Operation Twilight is a go.” She whispered to her reflection. Tyler being Jacob that is. And Xavier was, of course, Edward. And while irl Enid totally loved Xavier, she would always choose her fellow werewolf. Not that Tyler was a werewolf. That boy was as normie as they come. Which, lowkey, made him kind of perfect for Wednesday. Enid frowned at herself in the mirror, “Maybe Wednesday was right about me being a yapper.” After all here she was explaining her thoughts to herself. And, yeah, sure, Wednesday didn’t say yapper. But Enid always wrote and thought in her voice. And ‘agitatingly loquatious’ was not Enid’s voice. 

Enid halted her now spiralling thoughts. She mussed her hair one last time then turned on heel, skipping out of the bathroom.

In another bathroom the guys were cleaning themselves off. 

“Sorry, Tyler.” Lucas apologized as he helped his old friend get some paint off the back of his ear.

“Nah, I kinda knew something was gonna happen when I saw you there with Enid.” Tyler told him. Lucas chuckled a bit at that. 

“I kinda feel bad. Enid seems like a sweet girl.”

“If it does anything for your conscience, my date happened to love it.” Lucas slapped his arm as they laughed. “Although she thought you guys were kinda lame for not using real pigs blood.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t doubt that. You certainly are chasing a strange one.” He clapped Tyler on the shoulder. “Best of luck to you on that endeavor. I’ll pray for you, or whatever.” Then Lucas exited the bathroom. 

Pugsley entered as the normie left, hopping onto the counter and just staring at Tyler. Kind of like someone would stare at the trolley problem, trying to determine how to effectively kill everyone involved. Tyler felt his skin crawl.

“Yes…?” He asked the younger boy.

“You have both your arms.”

“...Yes. Yes I do.” Tyler lifted up his hand to prove it.

“My sister didn’t cut your arm off.” He said, as if this clarified anything, which it kind of did, but only because it was Wednesday. “Any deadly allergies?”

“What?”

“Are you deathly allergic to anything?” He stared at Tyler like the normie was stupid. “Like, y’know, anaphylaxis?” 

Tyler hesitated. “Um…I’m allergic to wasps. They sting me and my throat closes up.”

Pugsley nodded along. “Good. Historically she likes that.” Okay, whats happening right now?

“Yeah.” Tyler says, faking a little chuckle as he backs out of the room. 

As he goes to turn he crashes into something. Someone. Xavier.

Seeing Tyler, Xavier grabs the other boy by his wrist. He tugs him over to wall. “Listen, you need to back off from Wednesday.” He whisper shouts to Tyler. Tyler goes to open his mouth but Xavier isn't done. “I don’t care how much you’ve supposedly changed. In fact I don’t really think you have. You hated outcasts more than most, and then, what, a week of summer camp and you’re suddenly just the innocent boy next door? And now you’re giving who is quite literally the most outcast outcast to ever outcast puppy eyes every five seconds?”

“Wednesday has that effect on people.”

Xavier sighed and looked forlornly at the floorboards. “I know she does.” He admitted. He fixed his stature again, trying to appear somewhat threatening to Tyler. “But I don’t think she’s had that effect on you. I don’t know what you’re up to, but leave Wednesday out of it.” He dropped Tyler’s wrist, almost like it had burned him. Xavier turned and walked into the bathroom to clean himself off, leaving Tyler alone in the hallway. 

Now just to find his way back to the living room. Tyler walked through the maze-like halls, eventually realizing he had made a wrong turn at some point. He didn’t turn back though, not when he recognized this part of the estate. To the left of him was Fester’s room, which meant…to his right was Wednesday’s. Before Tyler knew it he was pressing the door of the room open. 

It was so Wednesday. That’s all he could think as he looked at the black walls, paint chipping with time. The black curtains. Just opaque enough to keep the room dark. Transparent enough to let in dramatic rays of light, which highlighted every dust particle that floated through the air. The decapitated dolls on the shelves, sitting right next to her collection of classics. Seeing a book of Edgar Allen Poe poems open on her desk he smiled. He picked up the book, flipping to one of his mother’s favorites. He started to whisper those words he knew so well, 

“Eagerly I wished the morrow;

Vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books of sorrow

Sorrow for the lost Lenore

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore

Nameless here forevermore.”

“Do you often go snooping through people's homes, or am I just special.” Wednesday startled him. He would never cease to marvel at her ability to move soundlessly, like a ghost. Even with his Hyde senses, he would forever be at this bewitching outcast’s mercy. What bliss.

“I got lost on the way back to the living room.”

She stared at him, her gaze conveying a sense of ‘are you stupid or do you think I am’. “Yes, well, if you’re done invading my space, Grandmama is probably expecting us back.” She quickly turned, exiting the bedroom. Feeling, not for the first time, like a dog, Tyler followed after the girl of his nightmares.

Chapter Text

Pubert starts crying loudly. Morticia brings over a teddy bear, which looks ready to attack. Pubert stops his cries when he sees the demented creature. Morticia pulls a string on the back, making the bear growl and the baby giggle.

“Welcome home my son.” Gomez says as he gazes down at his newborn.

On the stairs Pugsley and Wednesday are sawing through the railing. “That’s not true.” Pugsley complains.

“It is so. Everyone knows it.” She states matter of factly. “When you have a new baby, one of the other children has to die.”

“Um, I, in fact, didn’t know that. ‘Cause that’s not a thing.” Bianca said, her voice drenched with concern.

“Really?”

“It’s a tradition. One of us has to go.”

“Which one?” He asks her.

“Well, they only need one boy.”

Pugsley’s eyes widened and he started to saw faster.

Gomez laughs deeply at that one. 

In the nursery the rest of the family is looking down at the baby.

“He has my father’s eyes.” Gomez says.

“For the sake of everything I love, if that child has literal eyeballs in his hand…” Weems was frustrated at this point.

“You don’t exactly have much to love.” Wednesday said to the pitiful woman.

“Gomez, take those out of his mouth.” Morticia said.

Enid just about vomits.

“Oh, that is just grotesque.” Weems complained.

Fester reaches down to tickle at the baby as the other two children step into the doorway. Wednesday has a creepy baby doll in her arms. 

“And you complain about my stuffies?” Enid complained.

 “A baby in the house.” Grandmama cooed, “It’s about time. Hey, kiddo.”

She reaches down to tickle him when he shoots out fire from his mouth, a burning arrow launching itself into the ceiling above.

Morticia, proud, turns to Gomez. “Did you see that?”

Wednesday twists the neck off the baby doll and rips off its head.

“Okay!” Tyler nods, his concern palpable. “That actually feels like you want to kill the baby.” Wednesday smirks, he doesn’t notice it. Agnes does, and she feels excitement thrum in her bones and her veins.

“He’s a real devil.” Grandmama says.

Wednesday silently passes the doll head to Pugsley.

Later, Lurch is outside spritzing the plants.

The house is slowly revealed, bottom up, until we get to the roof where Pugsley and Wednesday are. Wednesday has the baby in her arms, Pugsley has a cannonball in his.

“Pugsley.” She says, looking down.

“Addams.” Donovan warns. If he had any power here, he would arrest every person in this room except his son. Maybe including his son, the darker realist in him said.

“Dad, she’s a little creepy and kooky, but she’s not a total psycho.” At least Tyler didn’t think so. She was morbid and her morals were pretty loose, sure, but she was also always kind to him. Or at least, her version of kind.

He wished she’d be a little meaner to him.

Where did that come from?

“The baby weighs 10 pounds.” She says. “The cannonball weighs 20 pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first.”

Maybe Tyler put a little too much faith in her. After all, she was a dark soul just like him, his hyde supplied.

“I’m still on fractions.” Pugsley told her.

“Which do you think?” Wednesday asks him.

“The cannonball?”

“Very good.” She praised

“Okay, you’ve taught your brother math. Please tell me you got off the roof.” Eugene begged. 

“The baby got off the roof somehow.” Agnes said breathily, the hair on Eugene’s neck and arms stood straight up. Agnes was playing with the toddler, who seemed to really like her. That just kind of made it scarier, in Eugene’s opinion

“But which one will bounce?” She asks.

“There is something wrong with her.” Yoko whispered to Divina, who nodded.

“The baby?”

“There’s only one way to find out.” She said, almost smiling. “Ready?” She asked. They both outstretched their arms, ready to drop the baby and cannonball. The angle changes so that the absurd height of the family mansion can be seen.

“Oh, no.” Ms Capri bit at the skin of her thumb.

“One. Two. Three.” On Wednesday’s command they let go.

In Morticia and Gomez’s room, “What a glorious evening.” Gomez told his wife.

“Rain.” Morticia added.

Gomez goes and opens a window. Noticing his falling baby, Gomez reaches out to catch him. His eyes grow wide as he brings the child back inside. Morticia looks back at him.

“Cara mia.” He says in shock.

“Oh dear.”

Outside the cannonball falls onto Lurch’s head, but the man has no reaction.

Morticia and Gomez sit their children down in the living room.

“Children,” Home starts, “why do you hate the baby?”

“We don't hate him.” Pugsley explained. “We just want to play with him.”

“That’s some ‘playing’ you got there.” Donovan snarled.

“Now sheriff, I understand that you have your convictions about my husband-”

“Your husband should be convicted.” He interrupts.

“However, I must ask you to treat us like you would any other family. Note everything we do is evil. Just a majority.”

“Morticia, any other family wouldn’t do the things you do.” Weems butted in

“Especially his head.” Wednesday added with a malicious lilt to her voice.

A chill went down Tyler’s back.

“Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?” Gomez asked.

“Yes.” The children responded in tandem.

“Do you think that when a new baby arrives one of the other children has to die?” Morticia asks.

“Okay, that’s not a normal thing, though.” Tyler said. “How could she have possibly known that that would be your logic, Wednesday?”

“It’s tradition, Tyler.”

“Yes.” They harmonized.

Grandmama told them, “Well that’s just not true.” She sighed.

“Okay, so if it’s not true, then normies point still stands, how would your mother have figured out your wild leaps in logic?” Ajax asks.

“Okay, can we stop using normie in place of names?” Lucas asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Enid retorted. “But who just targeted our school and covered us all in fake blood.”

Lucas looked regretful, still he asked back, “Yeah, but who torched my dad’s statue.”

Enid’s eyes flickered to Wednesday. “It could have been any normie in Jericho. I mean your town barely has anybody in it, yet Willow Hill is one of the larger mental institutions.”

Grandmama sighs. “Not anymore.”

“So that was a tradition?” Tyler asked Wednesday.

“Yes. Of course.”

“Do you plan on reinstating it?”

“I will not be having children at all.” Remembering what Enid had said, Wednesday bristled. “Of what concern is it to you anyways?”

He feels trapped. Moreso than he ever did while clapped in shackles. “I just wanted to make sure that you had no plans to kill children, and all.”

“The children kill the children, Tyler.” She said as if it were obvious.

“Anyways, as the sheriff's son, I needed to make sure.” Tyler was definitely not as good of a liar as his Hyde. Luckily for him, Wednesday was as emotionally stunted as they come and seemed to simply accept his answer, if not also seem disgusted by the morality of it.

“It’s just sibling rivalry.” Fester defended. He stands up, excited. “Gomez, do you remember what we were like?” He gets up in Gomez’s face. “I hated you!”

“I despised you.”

“I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator.”

“The lack of oxygen would certainly explain a few things.” Donovan muttered.

Fester and Gomez laughed at the old memories.

“I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth.”

“Y’know, I really want to be like ‘oh this is so awful’,” Enid said, “but at the same time, I have one hundred percent clawed my brothers’ faces.”

Divinia laughed at that. “Same. I mean, lord knows I’ve pulled knives out on this dumbass a fair couple times.” She nudged Kent.

Kent made a face of disdain. “One time she stabbed me. It wasn’t bad, but, like who actually stabs their sibling?”

Every member of the Addams clan raised their hand, except Margaret.

“I burnt my siblings with our parents.” Debbie said with a reminiscent smile. They deserved it, afterall.

“When he was asleep, I opened his skull and removed his brains.” Fester told them.

“You did?” Gomez asked.

Fester starts laughing wildly. “Brother!” He yells as he reaches his arms out like a hug.

“Brother!” Gomez returns, also reaching out his arms. He grabs Fester and throws him over his shoulder and into his wall. Quickly, Gomez picks up knives and throws them, pinning Fester in place.

“Children, you see?” Fester asks.

Donovan has never been happier that Tyler never had a sibling.

Chapter Text

Fester lays in his bed reading a book titled ‘Strange Men and the Women Who Avoid Them.”

“Dr. Rachel Farone.” Enid read from the cover. “I wonder if she has any books on stranger women and the men who’re obsessed with them.” She not-so-subtly side eyes Wednesday. Wednesday puffs out some air at the comment and scoots away from Tyler, to his bemusement and Xavier’s joy.

He lets out a sad moan, placing the book on his nightstand and turning out the light.

“Death. Death to the enemies of the people of the republic.” Wednesday announced, sounding like a town crier. 

More of the room came into frame and now Pugsley was visible as he held the rope to a real guillotine.

“I thought you said it was for your dolls?” Tyler whispered. His eyes did not move from the screen.

“That was when I was 10. I’m 11 and a half here.” She whispered back, the hint of a smile on her lips. The way Wednesday said it made Tyler feel like an idiot. She had this way of making him feel like her way is so normal, and it always took a second for him to remember that, no, nothing about her was normal. He had the hots for a total freak. Ironic considering which of them turned into a monster, he figured Wednesday might find as much humor in that as he does.

Pugsley released the rope. It sliced straight through a watermelon.

“Hurrah.” She cheered. “Justice is served.”

“You know, when Tyler was little he played with trucks.” Donovan said, his tone not even angry anymore, just exhausted. “Y’know, like a normal child.” Tyler chuckled at that. There was something dark in it that Wednesday picked up.

“I also played with monster trucks.” Wednesday informed the man.

“Really?” Both Donovon and Tyler asked.

“Yes.” She nodded, Pugsley and Pubert laughed remembering it, “I would push my brothers into the Monster Jam arena every event. Broke Pugsley’s leg last year.”

“Yeah, dad meant the toys.” Tyler said, giving her that smile. The one where he looks confused but so in love all at once. Just happy to be around her even if she’s, like, a total fucking psycho. Yeah, Enid saw it and cataloged it. 

“Bring forward the evil one.” Wednesday instructed Pugsley. She moved the watermelon out of the way as Pugsley went to get the evil one.

Weems clasped her hands in front of her face and inhaled. “Ms. Addams, I sincerely hope that your intention is not to decapitate your own baby brother.”

Tyler looked down at the girl, who was still silent a moment later. He watches as her lips turned up into that gorgeous smirk of hers. He doubts that, unless they had studied her expressionless expressions as thoroughly as he, nobody else would have noticed it. But he did.

“Vive la révolution.” And that was all she said.

Weems pursed her lips.

Morticia and Gomez smiled at each other, how precious their children were.

Wednesday grabs the rope and pulls the blade back up. 

Pugsley wheels in baby Pubert, who was dressed in an antique chemise and coiffe. 

Agnes smiled. Wednesday certainly had flair. Eugene scooted farther away from her, into a very happy Pugsley.

“Where did you even get that?” Ajax asked. 

“We dug up great aunt Morelle Frump.” Pugsley said excitedly. “Great uncle Jusquiame bribed an executioner." He cackled.

Pugsley unbuckled the baby and held him up.

“You have betrayed the people of France.” Wednesday said. “You are evil incarnate.”

“You’re one to talk.” Bianca sighed.

“How do you plead?”

“Guilty, guilty, guilty.” Pubert cheered, clapping with every word.

Pugsley lifted the baby up and, in a high pitched voice, said “Guilty.”

“Guilty by her own admission.” Wednesday announced to an audience of nobody. “The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block.”

Pugsley put the baby into the guillotine, head positioned over the same basket half the watermelon had fallen into.

“One.” Wednesday called. “Two.” She smiled down at the baby menacingly.

“Children?” Morticia called, interrupting them.

“Oh thank god.” Ajax breathed.

Enid’s eyes were wide and frantic. “I know, right, like, I know Pubert is still alive, but at the same time…” She turns to Wednesday. “Girl, you know I love you.”

“Gross.”

“Rude!” Enid's face scrunches. “As I was saying, you give me heart attacks.”

“I’m glad you enjoy my work.”

Enid groans into her hand, Ajax tugs her into his chest for comfort.

“Playing!” They both called back innocently.

“Three!” Wednesday shouted as she released the rope and sent the blade hurtling downwards.

Several people screamed as they watched the blade come down, nothing to stop Pubert from dying.

The baby catches the blade and coos up at his siblings.

Wednesday’s face is disappointed.

Tyler and Enid both almost feel bad. That is, until they remember why she’s disappointed.

“Woe to the republic.” She says.

Chapter Text

Morticia and Gomez are together in the cemetery.

“Look at you.” He says in a sultry voice. “Midnight, moonlight, surrounded by death.” Gomez caresses Morticia’s face.

Tyler found it funny how often he had thought the same things about Wednesday, despite the fact that Gomez and he were very different people. How beautiful Wednesday looked covered in blood. How her dark eyes reflected the stars at night. How her plaited hair made her supple skin even ghostlier. How her plump lips were always that most perfect shade of purple. How gorgeous they looked stretched into a frown or just straight, but how he adored when they quirked up maliciously. She was a carcass, dressed and embalmed, ready for burial. Perhaps, beyond releasing his monster, this was the greatest gift his master had given him. The chance to be Wednesday’s funeral. He would be the one to cover her in blood. To remove the final bits of light from her eyes. To mess up her gorgeous plaits one final time. To tear through that supple skin and leave her as pale as she had ever wished to be. To cease the movement of those lips. 

Enid smiled as she saw Tyler blush. “Tyler?” She startled the boy. Good. “Whatever are you thinking of?”

Wednesday glares at the boy, he gulps. “Yes, Tyler, What are you thinking of?” It's a threat. No. It’s a warning. 

“I was just thinking about how similar Wednesday and her mom are.”

“I resent that.”

Tyler picks up her hand. Wednesday freezes as he brings it up to his lips, “You both look gorgeous in the shroud of night, surrounded by death.” He kisses her hand. Xavier huffs out air and falls back in his seat. Bianca just stares at him, her gaze a cross between pity and a sort of hatred. Enid squealed, which was what caused Wednesday to break herself from this most-unlike-her trance and snatch her hand back. She rubbed at her wrist and the warm part of her hand where his lips had pressed. Tyler chuckles a bit.

“It’s been too long.” Morticia tells him. They lean into kiss.

Wednesday’s voice pauses them. “Do it!” She yells.

“Hold him still!” Pugsley returns.

A gunshot.

“Holy shit!” Kent stands up, absolutely startled by the noise.

Maybe Tyler wouldn’t take his kids hunting. They would be far too dangerous with any knowledge of guns. Which, Tyler does know is a completely ironic thought to have, considering that these imaginary children would be his and Wednesday’s, but still.

“You missed.” Wednesday yells at Pugsley.

They lean in to kiss again.

“Here, catch.” Wednesday calls.

“I don’t want him.” Pugsley shouts back.

Glass breaks.

“One house, three children.” Morticia says. “So many windows.”

“My darling, it’s you I’m worried about.” He tells her. “The stress. All this squabbling.”

“Oh, I’ll be fine.” She comforts him. “I’m just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband. A family.” She smiles. “It’s just I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade. That’s all.”

“I'm sure you would.” Donovan quipped sardonically. 

“Very much so, Sheriff.” She smiled. “Although, with the children older now, they have more accurate aim, you know. I have found it much easier to do so.”

“You can. You shall. So it must be.” He promises.

More glass breaks. 

“What in the world were you doing?” Tyler asked her with a laugh.

Pugsley chuckled, “Axe throwing.”

“Pugsley’s aim is terrible.” Wednesday told him. “He always leaves stains on the toilet too.”

Eugene makes a grossed out face. This was the boy Eugene reminded Wednesday of?

“But how?” She asks.

The scene swaps. On screen a hippie woman sits cross legged in a chair. 

“Children,” she says to them. “As your new nanny, I know that we're all concerned about the environment.” She smiles sweetly. “So, this morning, let’s discuss how to prevent forest fires.

“Oh, that poor lady won’t survive a minute.” Yoko says, leaning in.

“Prevent them?” Wednesday lights up a match.

“Why do you just have that on you?” Divina asks.

“Are you seriously still questioning why Wednesday does anything?” Bianca asks her with a raised eyebrow. Yeah, she had a point.

“Alright, children.” A new nanny said. She was dressed much more formally. “I’ve had it up to here.” She gestures. “Now you just answer one simple question.” She raises her voice. “Where is that baby?”

“Which part?” Wednesday asks.

“You were a total fucking menace.” Tyler says, somewhat amused.

“She still is.” Enid reminded him. He smiled at that. Yes, yes she is.

A new nanny, dressed in a traditional governess uniform, holding a hand puppet. “Hello, kiddies.” She said in a high pitched voice. “I’m Polly the puppet. What shall we do today?” She asked. “I know! Let’s all clean our rooms.”

Wednesday lifts up her own hand puppet, Satan.

Tyler barks out a laugh, Donovan just stares down at his son. Maybe their family just has a gene that makes them attracted to outcasts. He supposes weirdo little grandchildren wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. He could admit that, as horrific as these children were, Pugsley and Wednesday were kind of adorable. He shook his head, he needs to stop drinking.

“Hello Polly.” Wednesday said. “I’ll clean my room.” She paused, “In exchange for your immortal soul.” Wednesday rubbed the puppets hands together, menacingly.

Tyler suppressed a laugh, little bursts of air huffing out his nose. He put his hand up on his face to cover it, trying to look like he was just resting his head on his hand. But Wednesday heard him and shot him a glare. She could not let this boy feed into Enid’s delusions. And, so what, if a little blood rushed to her cheeks, it was in anger, nothing else.

At the door comes a pounding noise. Lurch opens the door and in walks Debbie.

All heads turn to the blonde woman next to Fester. Fester smiled at her.

Chapter Text

“Hi.” She said as she stepped through the door. “Addams residence?”

Lurch grunted.

“Ooh, it’s old.” She looked around. She looked Lurch up and down, “And big.”

“Did you say that was Fester’s wife or Lurch’s?” Enid asked.

“Fester’s of course.” Wednesday responded.

“Late wife.” Debbie called. Fester cackled, kissing her hand and sending a shock up her fingers. She made a tight smile before removing her hand from his grasp. Wednesday felt a moment of solidarity with her dead aunt. Wednesday rubs at her wrist again. Enid watches the movement from the corner of her eye, smirking a bit at it.

Lurch grunts again, a smile playing on his lips.

“Lurch.” Morticia calls. 

“Hi! Hi!” Debbie waves up at her. “I’m Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.” She explained.

“The agency?” Morticia asks. “But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a doberman”

“Puppy!” Pubert shouts.

“That little girl would have a doberman biting people within a day.” Donovan said. That would have been a terrible idea.

“What a wonderful idea, Sheriff. Children, how about a puppy?”

“What if granny makes it into supper?” Enid cried out, still bitter from the last movie.

“Suprise.” Debbie cheers. “I’ve been out of town. Are you the mom?”

Bianca glared at the woman on screen. “That’s suspicious.” Bianca’s bull shit indicators were screaming.

“I am Mrs Addams.” Morticia says.

“I love your dress.” Debbie compliments. “It’s so tight.”

“Thank you.” She spots her husband. “Gomez. I believe we may have a new nanny. Miss Jellinsky.”

“Deb.” Debbie corrects as she smiles sharply. She reaches to shake Gomez’s hand. “Isn’t he a lady killer?” 

“Aquitted.” Gomez informs her.

“How many god damn bodies do you got in that closet of yours, Addams.” Donovan asked.

“Just Uncle Niknak.” Gomez said with a cheerful face. Donovan sighed.

“I can show you all my references, so you know I’m not a homicidal maniac.”

“I fear you’d prefer that.” Divina laughed.

“Why do you think she’s our favorite aunt?” Pugsley asks.

“Of course you’re not.” Morticia says.

“You’re too young.” Gomez adds.

Debbie laughs. The children watch from the stairs. 

“Welcome to our home.” Gomez greets her.

From higher up Fester watches as well.

“There’s a belfry, a swamp, and a dungeon down below.”

Color Tyler intrigued.

“Cable?” Debbie asks.

“Of course.” Gomez confirms.

“Debbie.” Fester whispers dreamily.

“Oh, is that the little critter?” Debbie asks, looking at Pubert.

“Oh no.” Morticia says. “This is our baby.”

“He’s adorable. He’s perfect.” Debbie coos. “What’s his name?”

“It was agony.” Morticia tells her. “We went through all the books, all the usual baby names.”

“Lucifer.” Gomez supplies. 

Lucifer Addams did have a ring to it, Tyler thought dreamily.

“Benito.” Morticia adds.

“Mao.” He says.

“And then we came to our senses.” Morticia determined. Debbie nodded along with an all-too-fake smile plastered on her face. “Something simple. Something a child could live with.”

“Pubert.” Gomez announced.

“Pubert.” Debbie echoed. “I like it.” She smiled. “It’s filthy.” She reaches out to the baby. “May I?”

“Your dress,” Gomez asks, “is it flammable?”

“You’ve had your shots?” Morticia asks. “Measles, mumps, rabies?” 

Debbie nods along. Gomez passes the baby over.

“Oh.” She says. “Oh, I just adore little babies.” She coos. “I just want to grab ‘em, and squeeze ‘em ‘till there's not a breath left in their little bodies.”

“I have quite the same reaction.” Wednesday said, looking Tyler directly in his eyes.

He chuckles nervously back at her, “So she fits in well?” 

Morticia and Gomez smile at the exchange, then turn to look at the sheriff, who has his lips curled in distaste.

“Hello, Pubert.” Debbie calls down at the baby. “I love you.”

The scene jumps. A cabbage patch doll is hanging from a noose with duct tape over its mouth. The children are holding two welding torches, burning its face. 

For a moment Tyler moves past the weirdness of it, just thinking about how different his and Wednesday’s lives were. She grew up rich, more-so than Tyler could conceive. A creepy mansion, blow torches, rare poisons, and guillotines. He grew up in the sticks, a little bumpkin town far away from anything meaningful. A worn down house, toy cars, lemonade stands, and a hunter’s knife. She hosted balls and wore little black gowns. He went to homecoming in a suit he borrowed from Lucas. Yet, she was so down to this Earth, and he would follow wherever she wandered on it.

Chapter Text

A knock comes on the door. The two children turn off the flames and remove their welders masks. 

“Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny.” Morticia told them. “What do we say?”

“Be afraid.” Wednesday warned. “Be very afraid.”

Morticia laughed, voice like melted plastic. Weems snarled, although she wasn’t quite positive if it was at the child’s words or Morticia's shrill voice.

Debbie knelt down to the children. “Look at you.” She almost whined at them. “All cooped up in this house with a new baby.” She shook her head and smiled wider. “That’s not easy, is it?”

Despite her warm smile, stretching cheek to cheek, her eyes were empty. Tyler recognized it and Tyler didn’t trust it. Not when it looked so much like Laurel's. Laurel’s had been a bit sharper, a little flirtier, but something tugging at Tyler’s gut told him that it was all the same. That it was dangerous. Perhaps more than him.

“No.” Pugsley agrees.

“Why, I bet sometimes you wish it was still just the two of you.”

“There’s still time.” Wednesday whispered to herself. A shiver ran up and down Tyler and Enid's spines. Tyler smirked at the sensation.

“Or less.” Wednesday, glaring at her brother.

Tyler raises an eyebrow and smirks at her. “You don’t change, do you, Wednesday Addams?”

She huffs some air out and rolls her eyes. She really thought this boy knew her better by now. “I don’t grow, Tyler. I evolve.”

“Like a pokemon.” He said, laughing at her confused eyes. “It's like dog fights but monsters.” He tells her. It’s only a half lie, so it’s not that bad. He’s not sure why he’s developing morals about lying to her now, anyways. “You know,” A pause dripping with mischief, “if you had a phone you could play it.” He says with a toothy grin. Wednesday notes how sharp his canines are. She wanted to run her tongue along them. Where did that thought come from? Enid!

“Well, don’t you worry.” Debbie comforts them. “Everything’s gonna be just fine.” She stands up and turns to Morticia and Gomez with an exaggerated mouthing of “I love them!”

Debbie chuckles at herself. No, no she did not. Little brats.

Thing crawls onto Debbie’s shoulder, startling her for a moment.

“Thing,” Morticia calls with a smile, “stop that.” 

“He likes you.” Gomez tells her.

Debbie gives Thing a wiggly wave. He flips her off.

She grabs one of Thing’s fingers and sucks it into her mouth.

Tyler is amazed that, finally, something didn’t turn him on. He looked down at Wednesday’s lips. Now if it were his hand and Wedn- okay, there it is. Tyler, for what felt like the millionth time, squirmed in his chair.

Xavier feels something bubble up in his throat. Disgust.

Enid watching this, tapped Wednesday on the shoulder. She sighs, then looks over where Enid was pointing. She nearly coughed seeing how red Tyler was. She leaned over in his space, almost concerned. Whatever that meant for Wednesday. It definitely was not helping Tyler, not when he now needed to hold his breath, just so he wouldn’t inhale her scent like a total fucking creep. “Are you okay, Tyler?” She pressed her hands harshly against his reddening face, squishing his mouth open to peek inside. “Are you choking?”

With her hands so close, the thought of choking mixed with Wednesday was about to kill him. Please let him go, he wanted to beg, don't make him embarrass himself like this. “Please, Wednesday.” He struggled to say, his muffled voice coming out somewhere between a whine and a moan.

Wednesday flushed. In a moment of abject horror, she sat back in her chair, dusting herself off.

From behind them, Morticia smirked and looked over at Gomez. They met each other with that same knowing gaze.

Donovan watches, exhausted. Did it just have to be an Addams?

“I’m good with my hands.” She smiles at Morticia and Gomez.

Chapter Text

“What a wonderful family.” Debbie compliments Morticia and Gomez as the three walk through the halls. “Although, there’s one fellow I haven’t met yet.” She says, pointedly heading to where Fester is behind the stairs.

“Hi there, mister.” She waves at him.

Fester exhales nervously and ducks below the railing to hide.

“Your nephew?” Debbie asks with a smile.

“My brother.” Gomez tells her.

“No!” She gasps in fake surprise.

What a lying bitch, something deep in Tyler growls. His eyes widened at the thought.

“Fester, come out here.” Morticia tells Fester. “He’s very shy.” She explains to Debbie.

Fester starts to come out from his hiding spot. “Fester, this is Miss Jellinskey, our new nanny.” Morticia told him.

“Hello, Fester.” Debbie greets.

Fester makes grunting noises.

“These Addams men. Where do you find them?” Debbie asked Morticia, like it was a compliment.

“It has to be damp.” Morticia says, her eyebrows almost wiggle.

“Ewww.” Enid blurts out, a disgusted look stuck on her face. Ajax kisses the top of her head as a comforting gesture.

Debbie turns back to Fester, a determined look on her face. “I can’t wait.” She announces. She looks back at Morticia and Gomez. “I’ll start first thing tomorrow.” 

Pubert falls from above, landing in his father’s arms. 

“And I thought my parents had it rough.” Enid laughed. “You two make a pack of wolf-boys look like a total cakewalk.” She pointed her finger back and forth between a prideful Wednesday and a wide-eyed Pugsley.

Donovan groaned. Maybe he didn’t need to meet his grandkids. He looked down at Tyler, still a little red, and Wednesday. Not with the way things were going, he thought.

A tired look crosses Gomez’s face. “Why not tonight?”

He looks up to where Wednesday and Pugsley are still standing, leaning over the bannister.

In her room, Debbie lays down on the bed. Loud metal noises are heard as the door is shut and locked. “Goodnight, Debbie.” Morticia wishes her.

“Goodnight!” Debbie calls back.

“Scream if you need anything.” Morticia tells her.

In Fester’s room, Gomez and Fester lay on his bed. “So we’ve hired Miss Jellinsky.” Fester says, dreamily.

“She’s a gem, don’t you think?”

“Shes zirconia.” Wednesday mutters. 

“And you’re an insufferable little bitch.” Debbie cooed, not hiding the disgust in her voice. 

Enid’s eyes widened. Jesus! Her eyes flew to Wednesday, terrified of what her roommate’s retribution would be.

Instead, Wednesday just smiles. It was almost…sweet? Genuine? “Thank you, Aunt Debbie.” 

Debbie laughs, and casts a genuine smile down to her niece. Wednesday was a brat, but she was kind of her brat. That little bitch was like a fungus, growing on Debbie’s now rotting corpse.

Fester chuckles, tugging his wife a little closer to him. “I love it when my two favorite girls get along.” 

A confused Tyler met Enid’s gaze. Seriously, Enid asked herself, what was wrong with this family? No, nevermind. She really didn’t want to know. Not when they have a walking hand and a furball as relatives. Which, b-t-dubs, she can totally say, well think, as a werewolf. Also, totes sorry, Thing. But, again, accuracy.

“She’s perfect.” Fester tells him.

They both laugh. “Oh, Fester. I’m such a lucky man.” Gomez says. “I hope that someday you’ll know the indescribable joy of having children.” He pauses. “And of paying someone else to raise them.”

“But first, wouldn’t I have to get married?” Fester asks.

“I mean, not necessarily.” Bianca interjected. Her parents definitely weren’t the model for that lifestyle, but still.

“Oh, but you’re just a boy.”

“Isn’t he the older brother?” Tyler asked Wednesday in a hushed tone, leaning into her space. 

For just a moment, Wednesday’s brain halted. Sugar maple, sickeningly sweet, but she wanted to lick the scent from his skin. “He is.” Wednesday’s voice was breathy and foreign to her. She inhaled, trying to be subtle. “After his third lobotomy Uncle Fester has had the mind of an 11 year old.” Tire grease and coffee grounds. Wednesday considered the morality of cannibalism. In a romantic way. This is Enid’s fault. Mr Snuffles will be getting sent through a wood chipper.

Chapter Text

“There’s plenty of time.” Gomez tells his brother. “You’ll meet someone. Someone very special.” He leans over. “Someone who won’t press charges.”

“That’s the attitude.” Enid cheered, after a moment her smile started to drop. “I think…”

“Oh, I’d like that.” Fester says.

“You rascal.” The two brothers laugh. Gomez feels something under his hand and lifts it up. It’s a pinup magazine. “Oh.” He says slyly. “And what's this?” He opens it up.

Bianca’s nose wrinkles at the sight of the magazine.

“Mom.” The two men sigh.

Enid starts retching. 

“Freud is cackling somewhere.” Tyler whispers to himself.

Wednesday smirks at the reference. This boy. “Relax, Tyler.” She told him. “It’s a photo of grandmama in Witch Weekly.” She rolled her eyes. “She had exhumed Hugh Hefner's remains and carried his head around on a pike.”

Honestly, Bianca had to applaud that.

Grandmama cackled at the memories of her youth.

Thunder cracks outside the Addams mansion.

Inside, on the tv a show starts. ‘America’s Most Disgusting Unsolved Crimes’ the title card reads.

Wednesday smirked at the sight. 

Tyler chuckled. “What?” He asked her.

“Pugsley and I used to watch that all the time as kids.” She told him. 

“Wednesday Addams.” He tuts. “Are you reminiscing?” Tyler coos. “On warm, fuzzy, childhood memories, might I add.” He walks his fingers up her arm.

She rolls her eyes at him. “Hardly warm or fuzzy.” Her smirk became almost cocky. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “I spent hours studying Joanna Dennehy’s case.” 

“Oh?” 

Pugsley chuckled. “Yeah, Wednesday got it on tape. Remember, sis?” He asked her excitedly. Eugene leaned away from him. “Lady killed like three men. Pretty sick.”

Ajax’s eyes got real wide. “But you’d never do that, right?” He laughed nervously.

“Ajax.” Wednesday looked him dead in the eyes. Ajax gulped and hugged onto Enid a little tighter. “She stabbed her victims and even strangled one. While rather unimaginative, unusual for a female.” 

Debbie chimed in, nodding. “Basically none of us do it.”

Us?

Wednesday continued. “As a child I had determined that, if I were to go on a killing spree, Ajax, I would dissect my victims as they breathe, and then slowly strangle them.” Her pseudo-grin was vile and wretched. Tyler’s breath hitched. Wednesday turned to look at him, almost disappointed at how red he had turned. Of course the normie would be afraid.

Tyler was, in fact, not afraid.

Donovan sighed as he watched his son and the Addams girl interact. What could he have done to avoid this? Maybe he should have unraveled Francois’ vhs copy of Beetlejuice. He remembered the way that Tyler had blushed whenever that Lydia girl would appear on screen, enraptured with the gothic vision on the screen. Maybe he should have ripped up Tyler’s poster. He knew Tyler wasn’t into the Elvira movies so much for their plot, but Donovan, still a fresh widower, decided to ignore it. For his own sanity. Ironic, considering that mistake was soon to drive him insane. 

Debbie lays in her bed, eating chocolates as she watches the episode.

“Tonight on America’s Most Disgusting Unsolved Crimes, we investigate the case of Ursula.” A photo of Debbie, with longer, slightly darker hair pops up. The photo flips to show another photo. Debbie again, but with long black hair. “Carmen.” The photo flips once more to show one last photo of Debbie. Her hair is a long curly brown. “And Nadine.”

Enid gasps. “Your aunt is a serial killer!” She screams as she shoots up from her chair.

Tyler wasn’t even surprised anymore. At least he’d fit in. In an alternate universe. Where Laurel wasn’t his master. Where Tyler wouldn’t kill Wednesday. At least not non-consensually. Where they would have some little psychopaths.

Wednesday called out to Tyler, but he didn’t stir. He had this dazed off look in his eyes and a dopey grin. Disturbing. Wednesday stood up, and before anyone could stop her, slapped the look off his face. He cried out in pain and his whole body turned red. She sat back down in her chair, ignoring the scandalized noises around her.

Tyler couldn’t breathe. He was 90% sure he had just moaned in public. And Wednesday had no reaction. 

Enid regained her wits, following a moment of just opening and closing her mouth like a fish. “Wednesday!” She squealed. “You can’t just slap boys.” Yes, Enid had heard the noise Tyler had made. Yes, Enid knew that sound was not a sound of pain. And, yes, Enid would be storing that in her mind. Possibly on her blog. Still, Wednesday can’t just hit the poor boy.

“Tyler was entirely out of it.” Wednesday told her, like this was a reasonable action. 

Tyler licked his lips and positioned himself over Wednesday’s shoulder. Leering. It made Wednesday’s skin curdle. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant. “I know you can hit harder than that, Wednesday.” His tone was goading and falsely self-assured. Wednesday scowled at him and he threw his head back with laughter. 

She wanted to bite that neck. Sink her teeth into the vein running up the side of it. Watch the normie boy bleed out. Lick the blood up.

“Careful, Wednesday.” He whispered. “You’re looking out of it.” He chuckled darkly. “I would hate to have to spank you.” Okay, maybe he was pushing his luck here, but he had several hours to indulge himself in as much of Wednesday Addams as he could. He was not going to hold back.

She glared at him. “I didn’t spank you, Tyler.” Still, his words had not left her as upset as they should have. She should be snapping at him over the misogyny of it, over how sexualized his statement was. She sat silent.

He laughed, it was sweet and so wholly different to his previous one. “I’m just kidding, Wednesday. I know you’d never let me.” He went red as he blurted out the last clause.

Yeah, Wednesday reminded herself, she would never let him.

Enid squealed a note so high only herself and Miss Capri could hear it. Wednesday was so blushing. Or, well, her skin was almost normal human colored, which was very red for Wednesday.

Chapter Text

“Three very different women with one thing in common.” The broadcaster said.

Debbie smiled.

“Murder!” He screams at the camera. “And they’re all the same women. She’s known by the police as a black widow.” Debbie smiles at the tv. “She mates, then she kills.”

“And…” Enid trails off, quite confused. “She's married to your uncle?” 

“Debbie tries to kill me every anniversary.” Fester announces with Glee, kissing up his wife’s arm, licking at it.

Donovan shudders. God these Addams were creepy.

“She investigates wealthy men.” The camera pans over a spread of newspapers and a Forbes magazine with Fester’s face on the cover. “Finding the richest, loneliest, bachelors, gaining their trust and their love.”

“That she did.” Fester purred at Debbie.

She gave him a tight smile. “That I did.”

Bianca thought back to her own mother. Thank goodness Morning Song hadn’t stooped to Debbie’s level yet.

“And finally she marries them. Then, on the wedding night, she kills them.”

Donovan couldn’t believe there was another killer in the Addams clan. He would arrest her right now to deal with her later. Two things, however, stopped him. The first being, the woman was clearly dead. The second, well…he looked over at his son. He did not need to pull out the handcuffs. He had already watched his son figure out far too many things about himself, and he would not be adding another to that list.

“The deaths appear accidental. Then, after the funeral, she disappears. Cash in hand.” Debbie smiles. “But the money never lasts.” Her smile fades. The camera flashes to a handful of bills and coins sitting on the bedside. “And soon the black widow is hungry again.”

“Such a noble profession.” Morticia compliments. 

“So grossly male dominated.” Wednesday adds.

Tyler could definitely agree. He should know, considering he was a part of that statistic. Technically. Maybe him and Wednesday could be a sort of Bonnie and Clyde duo. Bonnie and Hyde. He chuckled to himself.

Wednesday stared at him like he was crazy. 

“Hungry for cash.” The announcer explains. “Hungry for love. A mistress of disguise, she has eluded the authorities for years.” Debbie smiles again. On the wall are several more photos of her in different identities. “Who is she? And what seemingly innocent pose will she next assume? All we can say is bachelors beware.”

In the nursery Pubert burps up fire and outside it continues to storm.

Birds cry as the sky clears for a new day.

In the home Pubert crawls around by the staircase. 

An anvil hangs from a rope.

“Ok.” Tyler exhales. “I know you didn’t.” He gestures at the toddler a few feet away from him. “Because Pubert is right here.”

“Unless that’s a replacement child.” Wednesday smirks.

Tyler almost wants to comment on the fact that she made a joke. Wednesday Addams just joked with him. But he wasn’t desperate. He totally was. Still, he ignored it, continuing as he was. “But.” He enunciated it. “I still get worried every time.”

“You and me both.” Enid cries out. Ajax nods, eyes glued onto the anvil.

Wednesday and Pugsley both held onto the rope as it swung above their brother. Pugsley was smiling. Wednesday just had a dark look on her face.

Tyler could picture it. Maybe two little girls instead. Maybe three. How many fingers did he have again? And, actually, on that thought, Wednesday was latina. The way she spoke Spanish would haunt him forever. “Wednesday, how do you say fingers in Spanish?”

She sized him up, like he was outlandishly stupid. Still she responded. “Dedos.” 

Right. “And toes?”

“Dedos.” 

Yeah. Dedos. That’s how many they’d have. In his fantasies at least. Laurel Gates. What a bitch.

Pugsley released the rope, sending the anvil hurtling down towards Pubert.

Agnes watched the screen with wide eyes and an excited smile. Eugene could hear her panting. He looked over at Pugsley, thinking the boy might be as disquieted by the redhead as Eugene was. Pugsley, however, had an equally excited smile as he watched this childhood memory. Eugene needed to get out of here. Wednesday was probably as much Addams as he could handle at one time.

Debbie scooped in and picked up Pubert before he could be crushed.

Wednesday and Pugsley just looked at each other, their disappointment palpable.

Debbie met Morticia and Gomez on the stairs. “We’ll be going out for most of the morning.” Morticia tells her. “All the important numbers. Police, fire department, morgue.” She hands Debbie the sheet of paper. Morticia and Gomez start to leave. 

“Fester, come along.” Gomez calls out.

Fester scurries down the stairs, passing by Debbie. “Goodbye, Fester.” Her voice is flirtatious. 

“Say goodbye to Debbie.” Gomez orders Fester.

He runs back, mumbles something incomprehensible, and then runs away again. 

“Have fun!” Debbie waves them off.

The scene changes to Gomez’s office. Pubert is wiggling on the floor as Debbie goes through the desk, humming to herself. “Fester Addams. My, my.” She flips through documents. “Stocks and bonds.” She reads to herself. “Deeds.” She picks up one in particular. “Gold bullion.” 

It was hard for Tyler to not focus on the fact that he didn’t even know what that meant. They were from two different worlds, and as fun as it was to pretend they could be together, moments like this had a way of being the cold water Tyler needed. This wasn’t real.

The knight’s armor squeaks. Debbie’s head jolts up at the sound. After a moment she returns to her search. “Treasury bills. IRA’s”

“I really hit the jackpot.” She proclaims, looking at the diamond that sat on her finger. 

Another creaking noise startled Debbie. “What a strange, old house.” She muttered to herself. “It’s so drafty. It’s really no place for children.” 

Tyler would disagree. Although, maybe he would do some renovations.

Tyler keeps smiling, and it is unnerving. “What is making you so happy?” Wednesday whispers harshly at him.

He looks down at her. “Just thinking about the fact your house probably needs some tender love and care.” He had to restrain himself from the dirty joke trying to bubble up. “Y’know, my dad and I used to fix up the dry wall and all that sort of shit when I was a kid. Maybe you'd let me fill your walls.” Okay, just one could bubble up.

“Excuse me.” She tried not to sound shocked.

Tyler put on an innocent face, complete with a shy little smile. “Insulation. Adding insulation could fix that draftiness.”

Debbie looks up to where Wednesday is painted to camouflage with the wall.

Enid chuckled at that.

Bianca couldn’t help but smirk. “Of course Wednesday was an even stranger child.” She sounded almost fond. Xavier raised his brow in confusion. What had happened at the dance?

Wednesday opened her eyes to look at Debbie. “No place at all.” Debbie remarked.

In the nursery, Debbie struggles with Pubert. “Hold still, you little brat.” She angrily grunts at him. 

Wednesday silently walks into the room, arms crossed.

“I see you were honing your craft even back then.” Tyler joked.

“Oh, my little viper has been sneaking up on people since she started to crawl.” Gomez laughed.

Lurch grunted, he remembered that first time quite well. He still had the scars.

“He’s not a brat.” Wednesday said, causing Debbie to jump.

She steadies herself. “Of course not.” Her tone is gentle. Maternal. “He’s an adorable little baby.”

“Fine. Rub it in.”

“We’re getting him all ready for a nice little walk.” Debbie tells her. She bends down. “Would you like to come?”

“Are you really a nanny?” Wednesday interrogates.

So observant and so young. Still, she had yet to realize that Tyler was the monster she had been looking for all this time. A hopeful bit of him wondered if this was because of her involvement with him. He could only wish.

Debbie looks to the side and her smile gets tighter. “What a question.” 

“Why did you come here?” Wednesday continues her inquisition.

“Why, to take care of you.” Debbie says, stepping towards her. “All of you.”

“Especially my uncle?”

“Everynight.” Fester cheers.

Enid’s face scrunches up and she hides it in Ajax’s chest. That was so gross.

Wednesday turns and walks away, keeping her eyes focused on Debbie.

Debbie's fake smile drops.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this.” Debbie tells Morticia and Gomez. “They swore me to secrecy, the little angels. But they wanna go. It’s all they talked about all morning. They’re just afraid to ask you.”

Morticia smiled, that was a remarkably cruel play by her sister-in-law.

“They’re afraid you’ll think that they don’t love you.” Debbie explains.

“The poor things.” Morticia says. She looks over at Gomez. “It is a bizarre request.”

“It’s horrifying.” Gomez agrees. 

“They have their hearts set on it.” Debbie reminds the couple. “I knew you’d want to know, as concerned, caring parents.”

Morticia grabs onto Gomez’s hand. “Oh, Gomez, what shall we do?”

“How can we say no?” He asks her.

“Don’t even mention it to them.” Debbie instructed. “Just do it.”

Wednesday had to admit, sometimes her aunt was sneaky. Sloppy, but sneaky. It was, to an extent, admirable. 

“I’m sure they’ll deny everything, but they want to go.” Debbie had a sick smile on her face. “God love ‘em.”

Morticia and Gomez looked at each other with concern. “Summer camp.” They announced it together.

Tyler cackled. “Oh, that’s vile.” 

Enid was startled by it, but grinned nonetheless. This boy was perfect for Wednesday. Like, categorically. Enid had a literal list, and Tyler checked every box.

Chapter Text

The family car drives into Camp Chippewa.

“Camp Chippewa.” Morticia says. “How charming.”

“What’s a Chippewa?” Pugsley asks his dad.

“It’s an old Indian word.” Gomez tells him. 

“It means orphan.” Wednesday pipes up from next to Lurch.

The family stood just outside of the camp. All the campers greeted each other excitedly in the background.“Fresh air.” Gomez describes with a face of disgust, a cigar hanging out the corner of his mouth. “The scent of pine.”

Wednesday looked over at Tyler. He did smell somewhat like Camp Chippewa. It wasn’t bad, however. Camp Chippewa had smelt like fresh air and pine, yes. It had also smelt like the desperation of two adults whose hopes and dreams had been crushed by their inadequacy. It smelt like choking on Amanda Buckman’s expensive perfume and packages of hubba bubba. Tyler smelt like sweat, a kind of manly musk that Wednesday would, from a purely scientific standpoint, categorize as a mating pheromone. That was the reason she wanted to lick it off his biceps. Wednesday would ignore that wayward thought. Tyler smelt like tire grease and the diesel from his dad’s truck. Like kerosene. He smelt like arson. Something bloomed in Wednesday’s chest. Fire. Wednesday inhaled a bit more. Coffee. It smelt delicious, and Wednesday once again had to fight off the intrusive thoughts. 

Realizing that she had been sniffing him, Wednesday jolted backwards. An action which only served to draw his attention to her, a confused smile on his lips. Wednesday wanted to bite them until they bled and then lick it up. 

“You okay, Wednesday?” He asked her.

Enid from the other side of her giggled knowingly. “Yeah, Wednesday, are you okay?” She tried to fake a genuine tone, but Wednesday could hear the tease hidden behind it. Enid would be lucky if any of her stuffed animals survived.

Enid knew this. Wednesday’s revenge would be swift and inevitable, but so completely worth it.

“Wednesday.” Morticia called. “Look at all of the other children. Their freckles. Their bright, little eyes. Their eager, friendly smiles.” Gomez hands Pugsley a cigar. “Help them.” She instructs Wednesday.

Amanda Buckman comes over to them, dressed in a bright floral dress. “Hi. I’m Amanda Buckman.” She greets with an annoyingly large smile. “Why are you dressed like that?”

Enid remembered thinking the same when she met Wednesday. At the same time, this was a normie girl, which sent Enid's certified bitch-o-meter screaming. Maybe that was harsh to say about an eleven year old. Oh well. She’s probably seventeen now and the statement is probably still accurate.

“Like what?” Wednesday asks.

“Like you’re going to a funeral.” Amanda asked.

Bianca almost laughed. Wednesday would probably cause the funeral. The fucking psycho, she thought affectionatley.

Amanda continued. “Why are you dressed like somebody died?” 

Xavier smiled to himself, that was how they met. Somebody dying. Did it make him sound terribly obsessed if he said his grandma dying was the best moment of his life? Well, not her dying. But her funeral, for sure.

“Wait.”

The Nevermore students and Tyler laughed at that. 

Donovan glared. An Addams prepped for someone to die was an Addams prepped to kill.

Chapter Text

A generic man in a blue suit came up to them. “Hi.” He reached out to shake Gomez’s hand. “Don Buckman.” A brunette woman with an absolutely giant smile joined him. “Isn’t this place something else?” He said. “Very exclusive.”

Tyler lets out a quiet, pathetic sigh. Of course Wednesday’s camp would be exclusive, even if she hated it. She was special. She was ethereal. He was a townie who made coffee and bullied her friends. Maybe Xavier wasn’t her friend, he really couldn’t tell. Still, the only special thing about him was that he became a killing monster. Wednesday would never know that side of him, though. Not until she was already dead and gone. Laurel Gate’s sacrificial lamb. He needed to stop letting his thoughts spiral like this, he warned himself. It wasn’t healthy. 

“Really?” Gomez asks him.

“Oh, yeah.” Don tells him. “A kid has to be extra special to get in here.” The mother lovingly strokes Amanda’s hair. “Gifted.” He tugs Amanda into a sideways hug. “Exceptional. Our Amanda’s already skipped two grades.” Don looks at Pugsley. “How ‘bout your boy?”

Gomez tugs Pugsley over excitedly. “Probation.” Pugsley takes an inhale of his cigar.

Don and Amanda’s faces are unamused. The woman keeps up her smile. “We just love Chippewa. Amanda couldn’t wait. It’s all she talked about.” She and Amanda smiled at each other. “She’s got a whole new wardrobe.” The woman turns her attention to Wednesday. “And this little lady?”

Wednesday is glaring. “Oh.” Morticia starts. “Wednesday’s at that very special age where a girl has only one thing on her mind.”

The woman leans down to Wednesday. “Boys?”

Xavier almost hoped so. Afterall, this was still a year after she had met him. Maybe she had felt the same things he did.

Tyler smirked to himself. He knew, after all, that Wednesday had probably never thought much of boys before him. It just wasn’t something he had consciously thought about up until now, but boy did it feel good. 

“Homocide.” Wednesday tells her. 

Enid rolls her eyes with affection. Her roommate was very one minded. Monotropic, if Enid wanted to be fancy about it.

The woman’s smile drops and her face kind of scrunches as she tries to give Morticia a polite smile.

A whistle blows. “Attention!” Calls the male counselor. “Hey! Listen up everybody!” He gets their attention. “I’m Gary Granger!”

The woman next to Gary becomes animated. “And I’m Becky Martin-Granger.”

Kent shrunk back. “They’re so positive it’s killing me.”

Divina and Yoko nodded along with him.

“It’s like spending so much time with the Addams family has very rapidly limited my social battery.” Bianca said. She almost understood Wednesday. Bianca shuddered. 

In the front Enid leaned forward, inspecting the screen. “So…” She trailed off. “They’re together.” It was meant to be a statement, but her voice lilted at the end as her confusion slipped out.

“A lavender marriage if I’ve ever seen one.” Wednesday tells her. Tyler bursts out laughing next to her and she stares at him. Xavier snarls at the sight, Wednesday is never that funny.

Everyone claps, except for the unenthused Addams family.

“We’re the owners and directors here at Camp Chippewa.” Gary informed everyone. “America’s foremost facility for privileged young adults.”

Wow. Tyler couldn’t believe they would outright acknowledge that. He leaned into Wednesday, watching out the corner of his eye as her breath hitched. “Is that how you met Xavier?” Wednesday smirked. That was as close as a laugh as he could get from her. A complete and utter win.

“Don’t be preposterous, Tyler.” Wednesday told him. “It’s a camp for privileged normies. Xavier is far too elitist for even that.” She pondered for a second. “It is how I met Joel." She told him. Who? Tyler’s brain stuttered. He looked over at her, watching her face intently. Tyler, for the first time ever, hated seeing that warm look in her otherwise cold eyes. She looked at Tyler like that. Nobody else.

Enid smiled. If she knew gossip, and believe her, Enid knew gossip, there was a story there. Enid started her scheme. She turned to Ajax, almost crawling up his chest with a vigor that startled him. She put her lips against his ear. “Ajax.” She whispered. “I need your help.” He nodded.

“And we’re all here to learn, to grow, and to just plain have fun!” Becky cheered.

“Cause that’s what being privileged is all about!” Gary cheered. The couple jump up and down, clapping enthusiastically.

God, Bianca rolled her eyes, can somebody just burn this camp down already. Suddenly Bianca straightened her back. On second thought, maybe that wasn’t the best energy to put into the world when Wednesday Addams is attending that camp.

Wednesday popped the lid off a bottle of poison and started drinking it.

“Duffy!” Some nondescript blonde teens cheered. “Debbie!” The screeched out greeting in shrill squeals. Some teen boys greeted each other with the same enthusiasm, roughhousing with their buddies.

“Mom.” A boy Wednesday’s age said. His voice was nasal and he had glasses on. A stereotypical nerd. “I don’t think I like it here.”

“Oh, will you stop already?” His mother complained. “Do you know how dirty you are?” She licked a napkin.

“Selma.” His dad warned. “Please. Leave him alone.”

She starts wiping the boy’s cheek. “I can’t breathe.” He tells his parents, pulling out his inhaler.

“Oh, stop it Joel, please.” His mom responds. “Now stand up straight.” She continues badgering.

Even in a void, Enid can’t avoid her mother. She giggles at herself. Ajax doesn’t know what’s so funny, but he smiles down at her softly all the same.

“This is why he’s sick all 

“Oh, Dell, don’t start with that.” Selma says, exasperated.

Joel locks eyes with Wednesday.

What was that?

“This is it. This has nothing to do with allergies.” Dell argues back.

Joel absentmindedly lowered his inhaler, enamoured by the sight of Wednesday. His parents continue arguing in the background, but Joel and Wednesday just continue to watch each other.

Joel. Tyler and Xavier both growled a bit, Tyler’s far darker, more feral. Wednesday felt moths flapping and dying in her stomach.

“I thought you were against love.” Xavier spat. Bianca wiped her face, flinging the saliva back down at Xavier’s lap.

Maybe when it comes to you, Tyler thought. He was, however, equally intrigued to hear Wednesday’s answer. 

“What makes you think I was in love?” Wednesday begins, defensively. Tyler didn’t like that, it meant there was something there that she was either hiding or repressing. She was trying to save face. “I am not opposed to love, Xavier. I am opposed to falling victim to flimsy feelings and teenage hormones.” She bit out. “Something you most clearly accept with vigor, for if you knew anything about me you would know that I revere Mary Shelley. She, who famously lost her virginity on her mother’s grave and kept her husband’s heart, wrapped in his poems, in her desk drawer after his death.” 

Tyler, ever the teenage boy, could only think of how many graves there were in the Addams family cemetery.

“Can you breathe? Can you breathe?” His parents' attention is now back on their son. “Stand up straight. Stand up straight.” They tug on his shoulder’s, but his gaze never leaves Wednesday’s.

“So.” Enid began, mischief lacing her voice. “Joel?” She asked no further questions, but she wiggled her brows in a way that silently asked a million of them. She smirked at the look on Tyler’s face. Enid turned to Ajax, eyes moving up and down with a sense of urgency.

Ajax chuckled. “Was he, like, your boyfriend?” Wednesday froze and she glared at him. Ajax desperately hoped he would get to keep both his hands after this. At least Enid would be his right hand if he didn't. His right hand. Oh. He needed to stop that thought before it could go elsewhere.

Tyler was desperate for a second. He knew it was stupid, but he didn’t like this immediate chemistry they seemed to have. Just then he had the faintest memory from school. Juanna. God, what did they call her? Joanna the Crazy? Juana la Loca. That’s it. Yes, how she had refused to accept the death of her husband. That she had carried his corpse wherever she went, or something like that. Wednesday would love that.

He picked up one of Wednesday’s braids, twirling the end of it in his finger. She side eyed him with a burning glare, but otherwise didn’t make any moves to maim the boy. He was treading on thin ice, but it hadn’t cracked yet. “You know.” He whispered, voice deep and husky. “Juana la Loca, she was obsessively in love.” He told her. “Even after death. She brought her husband’s remains with her wherever she went.”

She turned her head to properly level that glare at him. The hair tugged and she made a little noise, Tyler wasn’t quite sure if he heard it right. It took all his self control to not test the waters then and there. He did not need to fall through the ice. “Did you really believe I wouldn’t know that, Tyler?”

He released a startled chuckle, straightened his back, and dropped her braid.  “I was aiming more-so to impress you.” Another chuckle. “Guessing it didn’t work.”

“Her husband was an infidel.” She ignored him, her tone sharp. Her shoulders relaxed then, ever-so-slightly. “I would suggest you don’t idolize their relationship. I’ve castrated men for less, you know.” There was a playful glint in her eyes. Tyler’s smile widened.

“Oh, I know.” He chuckled. There was definitely a reason he liked this girl.

Chapter Text

In the nursery Debbie read to Pubert.

“Everyone at the ball turned and stared at Cinderella.” She said. “‘Who is that beautiful woman’ everyone asked.” Fester began to peek through the doorway. “Even Prince Charming noticed the new arrival.” He started to creep into the room. “‘Who are you?’ He asked Cinderella.” The door creaked, alerting Debbie to his presence. Fester stepped back to try and hide. “‘My name is Cinderella.’ She said to the prince.” Debbie continued, her voice a little huskier.

“Pathetic, Aunt Debbie.” Wednesday leveled her critical glare at the blonde.

Debbie scrunched up her face in mockery. “It’s all a part of deceiving imbecilic men.” Fester laughed with psychotic glee. Tyler wondered if the man was all there. Probably not. “Not that you’d know anything about that, little miss forever a virgin.” She snorted.

Oh, Tyler really hoped he wasn’t red. Wednesday might actually kill him.

“As opposed to a slut?” Normally Wednesday wouldn’t, as Enid called it, slut shame, look at her parents afterall. Her dear aunt could be an exception. “If the skill required to lure a man is desperation, I think I’ll happily never lure one.” 

Except she already had, Enid thought with a smile. Tyler’s eyes were darting everywhere, and it didn’t take a genius to know why. Wednesday might be a total detective and what-not, but she was so not capable of uncovering the mystery that is boys. So Enid has to help, obvi. She cracked her knuckles.

“Wow!” Miss Capri clapped. “That is so not an appropriate comment.” Her brows were high on her face, and seemed temporarily stuck there. “From either of you. But, really, Mrs Jellinsky, you’re an adult.”

Debbie cackled at that and Wednesday’s lips upturned at the corners. Even outcasts could be so godly normal sometimes.

“‘Could you tell me, who is that man over by the punch bowl?’” She said as Fester started worming back into the room. “‘That fascinating man. That oddly sensual man.’” Fester’s jaw was dropped. “‘That man who makes me quiver under my bodice.’”

“Surely, even Fester could see through that.” Weems laughed at the ridiculousness.

Morticia tilted her head at her ex-roomate. “Why, Larissa, haven’t you ever read Cinderella?” It took all Weems’ strength to not sputter. “That’s how the story goes dear.”

If Weems was laughing before she was cackling now. Manically. Tears filled her eyes and at some point she began to sob. She would never be rid of the Addamses.

Wednesday eyes her with disgust, her chin tucking back. Tyler thought it was cute, like a turtle trying to desperately retreat into its shell or a slug that has been doused in salt.

“‘That bald man.’” Debbie said, causing Fester to gasp. He ran from the room. Debbie smiled, knowing she was winning. 

In the library Lurch held the dartboard as Gomez hit bullseyes. In through the doors bursts Fester.

“She’s driving me wild!” He exclaims.

“Who?” Gomez asks.

“Debbie.”

“Debbie.”

“Even the sound of her name.” Fester growls out. “Debbie.” He stretches out the name. “Isn’t it beautiful? She makes me think of vinyl. Chemicals.”

Tyler raised his brow. Until he thought of all the things he associated with Wednesday. The smell of the cemetery, specifically at 3am. Iron maidens. Cyanide and Arsenic. Embalming fluid. Fire and brimstone. Gasoline. Coffee, but with a distinct hint of mold, like the time his dad forgot to change the filter for 2 weeks. Blood. That copper smell when it rains. Dahlias. Mace, the medieval kind. Chains. Music. The sound of paper scratching paper when you turn a page.

Enid stared at him perplexed, just hoping Wednesday wouldn’t slap the poor boy. Goodness knows he gets flustered far too easily. 

“Truley, Fester, has it finally happened at long last?” Gomez asks.

“I don’t know.” Fester tells him. “I think so.”

“Too bad she’s a duplicitous wrench.” Wednesday said. “The pastels ruin that otherwise upstanding feature.”

“Addams, murder is not an upstanding feature.” Donovan admonished her, throaty from exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. Weems nodded along, her body still wracked from her previous meltdown.

Gomez threw a dagger, it bounced all around the room as Fester spoke.“All these years I’ve watched you and Morticia.”

“And I’ve seen far too much.” Fester jokes. 

“Through windows, doorways, keyholes.” Fester told Gomez. “I’ve been so happy for you.” He threw his hands up. “But I have to confess, I’ve been jealous, too. I’ve dreamed that sometime maybe there might be someone there for me.”

Bianca couldn’t help but feel a little sad. He was weird as shit, don’t get her wrong. But, she knew Debbie. Her mother was Debbie. Not so violent, but the end goal was still quite the same. Bianca’s mother was out there, tricking desperate people into even more desperate situations. Bianca could, at the very least, empathise with Fester. 

“There’s Thing.” Gomez offered.

“Oh, not after you botched that last job.” Fester tells him. “You took as much time as you can count.”

Thing flipped the bald man off.

“Oh, I know, I know.” Fester said. “But I want more.” Gomez chucked another dart straight into the bullseye. “Legs, elbows, a head.”

“Two legs?” Gomez asks.

Kent vomits in his mouth. Divina just counts her lucky star-fish that necrophilia had not been mentioned. One look to Yoko confirmed the vampire felt the same way.

“Dare I-” Fester hesitated. “Dare I ask Debbie to dinner?” He starts to flail. “What if she says no?” His eyes get wide. “What if she says yes? Oh, Gomez, if I asked her, would you come?” He reached out to his brother. “You and Morticia?”

“Of course!” Gomez chucks one last dart that goes straight into Lurch’s open mouth.

Enid frowns, poor Lurch.

Chapter Text

Gary blows a whistle. “Lifesaving!” He yells gleefully.  

The boys stand to the left side of the dock, all wearing blue swim shorts. The females are on the other side, all in salmon one-piece swimsuits. Wednesday and Pugsley are both dressed in black and white vintage swimwear. Joel wore a pair of plaid swim trunks, blue snorkeling flippers and goggles.

Xavier snorted at the outfit. Yeah, Joel was as much competition as Tyler.

“Now I know we’re all top-notch little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates!” Gary jumped up and down clapping. “Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda? Wednesday?”

Tyler coughed up a chuckle. Poor Amanda.

The two stepped forward.

“Is that your bathing suit?” Amanda mocked.

Wednesday didn’t even look at her. “Is that your overbite?”

Biana cackled. Wednesday might be one of her new favorite people.

“Now one of you will be the drowning victim, and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.” Gary informs them with a smile.

“I’ll be the victim!” Amanda chirped.

All your life, thought Enid.

“All your life.” Wednesday said.

Enid stared down at her palms, turning her hands over. Have I been spending too much time around Wednesday? 

“I’m going to be an actress.” Amanda told Gary.

“Brava!” Gary returned. “Now, Amanda, jump in, swim out a few yards and start drowning.”

She jumps in and starts screaming, “Help me! Help me! I’m drowning!”

Tyler rolls his eyes. “Yes, ‘cause ‘swim a few yards’ is the same as ‘stay right here’.” He jeered.

Wednesday was a little shocked at his tone. It had bite. Smirking as a sense of nostalgie de la boue overtook her black, little heart.

“Help me!” Amanda kept screaming.

Wednesday didn’t move. Gary kept making faces, imploring her to play the lifesaver. 

“I’m dying!” Amanda overacted. 

She inhaled and sunk below the water. 

“I can’t swim.” 

Gary’s smile dropped into something vicious.

“And you didn’t think to tell him until now?” Weems asked.

Wednesday glared at the woman. Pugsley and Pubert both laughed.

Tyler snorted, he loved Wednesday sardonic nature so much. He loved Wednesday.

“Oh, Weems, you crack me up.” Morticia cackles. “Like a broken neck.”

“Like Great Uncle Sysiphus.” Margaret joked. “After the avalanche.”

 Gomez pointed at Weems with a smile. “I had my little viper swimming with sharks before she could play Russian roulette?”

“Since when is that a marker of time?” Yoko whispered.

Divina felt like they were in a new dimension. “Since when is that just a thing you do?” She whisper-shouted back, only receiving shrugs in response.

In a cave musicians play the violin. It’s tango music.

As much as Tyler loved Wednesday’s traditional goth dancing, he thinks he would have passed out if they could have tangoed. Bodies pressed against each other. Her sharp yet fluid motions bewitching him. Her leg wrapped around his hip. Her back arching against his hand. Being able to pick her up: she was so small, so light, so delicate. He would never say it, but he would always fantasize it. Maybe Laurel was a gift. God knows their kids would be fucked up, and God know that Tyler would not be able to keep his hands off her.

The camera moves back, showing that the musicians are all trapped in a cage.

That hit Tyler like a bucket of cold water. 

Wednesday looked at Tyler with something akin to concern. Why did he look like that? She would have imagined he would find it as funny as Enid apparently did, and yet he looked like he had seen a ghost. She felt something warm in her hand and realized she had grabbed his hand.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Tyler looked down at the chilled palm in his own. He smiled, looking back and forth between Wednesday and their joined hands. Noticing his smile and hearing Enid’s squeal, Wednesday yanked her hand back. Her ears felt hot.

Wednesday stood up. “Grandmama.” She barked.

Ajax taps on the glass covering a flower, jumping back as it hissed at him. Enid sat at the foot of Wednesday’s bed, tossing a headless doll in the air and catching it as it falls. 

“Wednesday, if you keep pacing like that, you’ll burn a hole in the floorboards.” Enid warned her bestie. “It’s okay to have feelings, you know.”

Wednesday halted and stiffly turned to Enid. “I have feelings, Enid.” Her voice was monotone, but Enid could hear the waiver in it. “Apathy.” She listed. “Anger.”

“You held his hand, dude.” Ajax chortled as he sad down next to Enid, who elbowed the boy immediately.

“It wasn't hand holding. He grabbed my hand.” Wednesday justified with a snarl, returning to her pacing.

“So did he choose to hold your hand or was it not hand holding, Wednesday?” Enid knew full well that Tyler was not the aggressor here.

Wednesday froze again. She swiftly stomped to the door. “I don’t have time for this nonsense. Let’s get back to the theatre.” She said as she stepped into the hall. She needed to find Tyler.

“You called this break!” Enid shouted after her.

Once she was out of ear shot the couple turned to each other, collapsing into a pile of giggles.

Tyler crept through the halls of the mansion, keeping his hand along the wall so as to not get lost. The home seemed to be a maze, afterall, not unlike the ones Jericho hosted every fall. If he lost his way he would die in these halls, if the femur he had just tripped over were any indication. Wednesday would find him, he's sure. As to whether she would simply abandon him in these halls afterwards was unclear. He’d guess she would let him suffer for her own amusement. 

To his left a door creaked and a chill ran down his spine. Tyler gently pushed the door open, something calling to him. Stepping into the room, he found it to be rather empty. The only things in there were some old paintings and a wardrobe. Maybe he was testing fate, begging for a blood curse, but Tyler crept over to the paintings and started to sort through them. 

The first was of a woman and a man, dressed in an Edwardian mourning gown and white tie tuxedo. Each of them donned a gas mask and held pitchforks. It was reminiscent of American Gothic, in a way, but the home behind them was ablaze. Very Addams, Tyler thought with a chuckle, pulling it towards him to access the painting behind it. 

The next painting was of a blonde woman in a white dress and veil. She looked so familiar, but Tyler couldn’t put his finger on it. When he tilted the painting a bit, he could just see several holes in the gown. He tilted some more and blood began to drip out of the painting.

“I see you’ve found cousin Saturday’s wedding portrait.” Morticia’s smooth voice startled him. Now he knew exactly where Wednesday got it from.

He quickly set the painting back, noticing that the holes and blood vanished. Maybe he was completely losing it. He gulped. “My apologies Mrs Addams.” Tyler’s throat felt dry and scratchy, his hands moist and hot. “I wasn’t snooping or stealing, I swear.”

“What a shame.” She shrugged him off. “And, please, Morticia.” 

He watched her carefully assess him, wondering distantly if this was how the deer felt whenever he’d set his scope on them. Like there’s something there, but the second he tries to determine what it is he’ll be shot dead. “Morticia.” He repeats carefully.

“The ancestors told me you’d be here.” What else had the ancestors told her? She snapped her fingers twice, once more startling him. Morticia floated to the armoire, her arm reaching out towards Tyler the whole way. She flung the doors open and a bat flew out. Tyler ducked as it hurtled at his head. She smirked backwards at him. “I know what you are Tyler.” Was that Tyler’s heart or was there one beating beneath the floorboards? “What you are to my daughter.” Morticia winked at the boy. Tyler’s shoulders relaxed a bit, but he didn’t come off the edge completely. 

“Oh?” He choked out.

She smiled warmly at him. Morticia reached in and pulled out a lacy black gown. An antique wedding dress that Tyler couldn’t possibly determine the era of. It was gorgeous. 

“I’ve been saving this for Wednesday. She stole it from Saturday’s grave when she was younger, the year Gomez and I bought her first grave digging kit.” Morticia told him. Her head snaps to him. “She constantly reminds me she won't ever get married. Between you and I, I think it's spite from walking in on her father and I in the throes of passions one too many times.” She laughs melodiously. “But, I do see the way she looks at you. You seem like a good egg.” Morticia leans in like she’s telling him a secret. “From my understanding, normies consider it bad luck to see the dress.” She thrusts the dress into his arms. “I’m sure, by now, you’ve gathered how we Addams perceive bad luck.” She says with another wink. She glides out of the room, turning back to throw him one last sly look before she shut the door.

Holding up the dress, Tyler could only let his fantasies run wild. Wednesday in the dress. Ivory skin against the ebony lace. Looking as breathtaking as she did tonight at the Rave’n. He could picture her as he would pull back the veil, revealing her beady doll eyes, with purple bags below matching her plump mouth. He could imagine the way she’d look at him, something indecipherable in her eyes. Oh, how Tyler longed to know what that was. What all of her little tells were. He’d spend an eternity watching her if that’s what it would take. He imagined holding her cold hands in his warm ones. Feeling her soft skin and her callouses. Tyler would lean in, and she would lean in to meet him. The way he’d kiss her so gently, but if she were to initiate, how rough he would be. 

Tyler pictured the way that it would hug her curves that had, thus far, really only existed in his twilight-soaked dreams. Curves he felt whenever he’d cradle her mid-seizure. Or when he had tucked her in his arms that day in the woods. One hand sheathing those ever mobile lips, the other gripping her hip so she couldn’t run. Tyler could feel it in his mind’s eye how his claws would dig into the meat and bone of her hip, and how she’d smile at the sting of it. 

He pictured a matching lace garter belt to accompany her shroud. The way he’d kiss and bite his way up the flesh of her thigh, maybe blow hot breath to watch her quiver. He loved Wednesday’s little tells, how she was always such a stony disposition, yet sometimes her skin would flush or her breath would stutter. It was entrancing. Tyler could feel the garter in his mouth as he slowly tugged it down her leg. Maybe he’d place a few last kisses before emerging from under her gown, just to bug her. Tyler loved the little, almost indistinguishable furrow her brows formed whenever she was annoyed just a bit. Normally after Tyler would tell a stupid joke or put so much as a molecule of sugar in her daily quad. 

He bit his lip to contain his giddy grin. He would annoy her until they were grey and old. If she’d let him. He’d annoy her as they joined her ancestors in side by side graves. If he could. His eyes began to fog. An odd mix of joy and disdain overtook his heart and his fingertips ran cold. It was a feeling of nostalgia, but for something that would never be. Tyler was sure it had some silly French name, and he was even more sure that Wednesday would know what it was.

“Tyler.” Wednesday barked. He jolted at his name. Seriously, what is with these Addams women? “Grandmama is expecting us.” And she headed back where she came. Tyler swiftly, but not without care, returned the dress to the wardrobe. He couldn’t not smile at it one last time before closing the hatches and running after Wednesday. He could not afford to get lost. Then again, Wednesday would certainly find him.

Chapter Text

“It’s our favorite bistro, we’ve been coming here for years.” Gomez tells them.

“Of course,” Morticia adds, “it has been redone.”

“Oh, it’s just lovely.” Debbie compliments. She turns to her date, who is ravaging a bread roll. “Isn’t it, Fester.” 

The entire table stares at him, waiting for any response. 

“Fester?” Gomez prompts.

Fester slowly takes the roll out of his mouth and hands it to Debbie.

“It’s a quaint French custom." Morticia aids. “Sharing half-eaten bread.”

“I don’t remember mom ever doing that.” Tyler chuckles.

Wednesday’s head snaps to him. “Your mother was French?”

“I think so?” He gave her a sheepish grin and scratched at the back of his head. “I don’t actually know if she was French or Canadian. I just vaguely remember her trying to teach me French.”

Wednesday felt her ears grow warm. “Vous parlez français?” She forced out, struggling to keep her expression passive.

Damn, that was hot. Tyler blushed a bit. “Un peu seulement. Je suis sûr pas aussi bon que ton francais.” 

His accent was atrocious, his grammar would be laughable if Wednesday were the type to laugh. Still, Wednesday’s eyes widened and her chalky pallor flushed. “Where’s a vampire bat when one needs it?” She muttered into her lap.

Tyler caught it and his grin became fierce. Dangerous. He leaned into her, lifting up her chin. She glared at him, refusing to express anything other than disdain. She was failing. He leaned farther into her personal space. “Pourquoi? Tu aimes quand moi je parle français?”

Enid snapped a few photos of Wednesday in such a compromising position. Xavier grumbled something low, even Bianca couldn’t make out what he said. She rolled her eyes, looking over at Divina and Yoko for solidarity. 

Wednesday scrunched her lips, refusing to justify him with a response. Other than her rapid, deep breaths. He grinned like the cat that caught the cockroach. She ripped her head away from him, sending him a death glare. He didn’t even try to look shameful. “Je vais t’étrangler”

Enid giggles, knowing that whatever she said was Wednesday being a total tsundere.

“Je va attendre.” He chuckles at her. 

Is this what humiliation feels like, she ponders.

Morticia just smiled knowingly down at her daughter and began knitting a baby’s creeper.

Debbie smiled down at the bread she’d been given. 

“Fester is truly continental.” Gomez told her. “He spent many years abroad.”

“On the run?” Donovan joked. Weems hid her silent laughter behind her palm.

“He speaks twelve languages fluently.” Morticia adds on.

Tyler’s brain is plagued by imaginings of how many languages Wednesday could speak. How many ways her mouth could form around every syllable. How many tongue positions she required for her polyglot endeavors.  “I don’t know if I could list twelve languages.” Tyler chuckles, desperate to distract his own run-away thoughts.

“They’re not all human.” She replied.

Ajax poked at Enid, making sure she saw how affected Tyler and Wednesday were. What dorks.

“I could tell.” Debbie announces. “You know, when I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe.”

“I’m not sure that’s a compliment.” Margaret and Itt tittered.

Weems felt attacked. Thank god she wasn’t an Addams, she could never handle being tied to any of them.

“You did?” Fester asks her.

“It’s true.” She told him.

“It was the teeth.” Debbie said, causing Fester to cackle. 

“But I took a bath.” Fester tells her. Morticia and Gomez pause, eyes drifting to the other’s.

Kent barked in laughter, Divina laughed but tried to shush him. Weems was right there, very offended. Her hand was literally clutching at her pearls.

In the bathroom Morticia fixes her makeup, talking with Debbie by the mirror. “Fester’s really a wonderful man.” Morticia tells her. “He’s just terribly shy.”

“Not after my last lobotomy.” Fester cackles, slapping on an unimpressed Donovan's arm.

“Really?” Debbie asks, her voice sympathetic. “I just can’t tell. Does he like me at all?”

“Of course he does.” Morticia consoles. “He vomited.”

Weem’s lips curled and her nose scrunched in disgust.

“That’s true.” Debbie says.

“She certainly has a way of fitting in with the family.” Bianca noted.

Gomez nodded. “Because Debbie is family. As much as Margaret, Morticia, Tyler, or Joel.” He cheered.

Donovan rubbed his eyes and invoked a silent, desperate prayer.

Wednesday snapped up. “Father!” She warned.

Morticia and Gomez cackled in tandem. Feeling uncharacteristically embarrassed, Wednesday rushed to sit down.

Tyler simpered at the words, blushing as he remembered the dress. Addamses were anything but subtle, he mused. His smile dropped. “Joel.” He whispered to himself, recalling the boy that had smiled at Wednesday. Who she had stared back at. Why was he family? Was he why Tyler wasn’t a priority for Wednesday? He glanced up at her to find her staring at him: pupils blown wide, chest heaving, absentmindedly chewing on her plum-colored lip. 

Next to her Tyler had started growling. It was like a ferocious creature had overtaken him. Some beast of the night. Wednesday stared at him. She pointedly ignored the rush of blood to her erogenous zones and the way her throat felt tight. She looked down at his hand, much larger than hers. Her throat could stand to feel tighter. Wednesday cursed her traitorous hypothalamus. 

A camera clicked behind Wednesday.

Wednesday cursed Enid as well.

“Does he always do that with women he likes?” Debbie asks Morticia.

“Oh, no.” Morticia smiles warmly. “Just you.”

Debbie sighs dreamily.

Back at the table, “Do you think she minded?” Fester asks his brother.

“Of course not.” Gomez assured. “She adores you.”

“I adore your money.” Debbie drawls, blowing a kiss Fester’s way. He snatches it and viciously bites it, nipping his own palm.

“Ugh, I’m making such a mess of things.” Fester grunts. “Gomez, how do you do it?” He inquires. “How can I be like you? How can I be suave?”

“Woo her.” Gomez instructs Fester. “Make her feel like she’s the most sublime creature on Earth.”

“That shouldn’t be too hard, Tyler notes. He looks over at Wednesday to admire her. So hauntingly exquisite. Bewitching. Ethereal.

“Yes?” Fester hisses. “That’s it?” Gomez nods with a smirk.

“We’re back.” Morticia announces as the women return. “Noses powdered.”

Gomez stands up and pulls out Morticia’s chair. Fester scrambles to mirror the action.

“Perfection achieved.” Gomez compliments his wife. “We are the luckiest men on Earth.” He tells Fester. “We are unworthy of such splendor. Undeserving of such radiance.” Debbie and Morticia smile at the praise.

Xavier deliberates as to whether Wednesday would appreciate such endeavors, if she’d find appeal in such groveling. Probably if it was Tyler, he thought bitterly. Even after warning her, she still was letting Tyler sink his claws into her. Claws he wasn’t even special enough to have. A normie, as a townie at that. Forsaking all the history between Xavier and her. She was being naive. Foolish, even. Xavier needed to do something. He needed to make a move, a stand that would grab Wednesday’s attention.

Noticing Xavier’s death glare towards Tyler, Lucas leaned into Bianca. “Should we be worries?” He whispers, pointing at the artist.

“He is unintentionally harmless.” Bianca waved him off. “Xavier can be pretty incompetent and obsessed.” If her whisper was louder than normal, what did it really matter? “He’ll probably try something stupid, but I’m sure your little friend could kick his ass.” She turned to Lucas, almost conspiratorily. “That is, if Wednesday doesn’t choose to be his guard dog.” She snickered.

Gomez smiles at Fester, who returns it with a comically large smile of his own. Fester nods along until Gomez nudges him. “That’s right.” Fester agrees. “We should have ugly girls.” He announced.

The women continue to smile politely at him. Gomez looks up for a high power’s intervention, when suddenly the tango music increases in volume.

Gomez shirks off his coat as Morticia stares appreciatively. He offers his hand to his wife, leading her onto the dance floor.

It is, unfortunately, far too easy to imagine Wednesday in her mother’s place, albeit significantly shorter.

Morticia glides in a circle around Gomez. She twirls once so that her back is against his front, extending her arm so he can press kisses up it.

Tyler could picture Wednesday’s hand in his. So small. So soft. How her cold skin would feel pressed against his warm mouth. Amused with himself, Tyler thought about how Victorian Wednesday made him feel. So aroused by the most ordinary of body parts. When she had appeared in her Rave’N dress, he had been absolutely captivated by the sight of her forearm. How scandalous. He could now understand why tablecloths had to be invented.

Gomez kissed across her neck and down the length of her other arm. Morticia put her hand up, halting his movements. He thrust her into several spins before grabbing her shoulders. They began to dance, focused only on each other. Gomez dipped her before they continued their tango. As they parted, Morticia caressed the face of a man sitting at a table. Gomez looks back at her. Shocked, he spins her across the floor with such fury that flames blaze in her wake. She continues until she returns to him like a magnet, digging her nails into his cheeks.

Tyler distantly wonders if Wednesday’s nails were long enough to dig into his face like that. Into his shoulders and his back.

Debbie watches on. Fester taps her on the shoulder. When she looks back, he’s stuck pretzels in his nose like a walrus.

Morticia and Gomez continue their sensual dance. Gomez lights a woman's 100’s cigarette. Morticia yanks his arm, sending Gomez into a series of flips. He snatches a red tablecloth and waves it like a matador. Morticia grabs oysters to play like castanets. Setting them down, she picks up a knife to throw at her husband. Gomez catches it between his teeth.

Tyler definitely couldn’t do that, but he is quickly realising that he wouldn’t have anything against knives. Especially if it was by Wednesday’s hand. So delicate as it wrapped around the knife. So delicate wrapped around his-

Debbie looks back at Fester, smiling even as he puts the pretzels back in his nose.

Morticia lays on the ground as Gomez spins her round and round. He lifts her back to her feet and then kisses her so passionately that all the champagne bottles uncork and the audience cheers.

His lips on Wednesday’s. His hands gripping her at the waist. Wednesday sighs at the thought, disgruntled in more ways than one.

In the cabin the girls sit in a circle. Amanda holds a flashlight under her chin. “And then the ghost said, ‘And I will haunt you forever.’” All the girls gasp in fear.

Enid screams along, tucking herself into Ajax’s strong, warm arms for protection.

“Enid.” Wednesday says, thoroughly unimpressed. “Surely even you couldn’t be frightened by such an innocuous tale.”

Enid puts a finger to her own lips, “Shhh.” She warns, then shoves her face further into the gargoyle’s firm pectorals.

Amanda turns the flashlight on Wednesday, who is reading on her bunk. “Wednesday, you have to continue the ghost story.”

“This is dumb.” Wednesday snarks.

“Well, if you can’t do it.” Amanda challenges.

Bianca cackled, causing Lucas to smile at her. “That’s just asking for trouble.”

Wednesday sits up, staring down at the group of pre-teen girls. “And so the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin, and he said to the campers, ‘None of you really believe in me, so I’ll have to prove my power. And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all their old noses had grown back.’” Every girl in the cabin screams as Wednesday watches with pure enthusiasm.

Tyler snickers and Wednesday eyes him.

Debbie and Fester silently walk through the family cemetery. Suddenly debbie presses her back against a tall headstone.

Tyler starts to count graves.

“Oh, Fester!” Debbie cried out. “How you must hate me.”

“What?” He clutches at his abdomen.

She starts to wander off. “Here you are.” She whines. “A debonair man of the world. How I must bore you.” She turns back at him. “Fester before we go any further, I have a confession, something I must tell you.”

“That you’re a psychopath.” Donovan asks. “I’m sure he’d love that.”

She lays her body across a chaise.

Tyler chuckles. Randomly appearing furniture. It's funny how much crossover there was between the Addams family’s reality and Tyler Galpin’s wet dreams. No wonder Wednesday fit in so seamlessly.

“I’m a virgin.” Debbie tells Fester.

“And I’ve never committed a felony.” Wednesday bites at her aunt.

Debbie’s smirk is laced with sugar. Much like the cyanide drunk in Jonestown. “We both have a body count, I suppose.”

Where was a bottle of whisky when Donovan needed it. Better yet, where’s a bottle of that Polish vodka, the one with the ridiculous name. Gomez probably would have a bottle. “Gomez, you got anything I can bum off ya.” Donovan asked, purely from the desperation.

“Why, of course, mi consuegro.” Gomez grinned, pulling out a ridiculously large flask.

Donovan thanked his maker and he began to gulp down the bottle. Weems tapped at his arm and took her own several sips from the bottle.

“You are?” Fester asks.

“Yes.” She confirms.

“What’s that?” Fester asks her, schooching closer to Debbie.

Her eyes dart around in shock. “It’s someone who’s never experienced physical love.” She settled on.

“So you.” She glared pointedly down her nose at Wednesday.

Tyler struggled to remain unaffected by that. But it was hard. Yeah, that too,

“Oh?” Fester asks in surprise. “You mean with another person?”

Miss Capri really hoped that he meant that in a significantly more normal way than he probably did. She hopelessly looked over at Weems and Donovan, who simply passed the flask between them.

“Then, Debbie.” Fester calls to her. “I have a confession to make as well. I’m one, too.”

“Jeepers.” Lucas whispers in false astonishment, pulling a giggle from Bianca. Yoko and Divina exchange a knowing glance, whilst Kent stares off into the distance.

“No.” Debbie gasps.

“Yes.” Fester confirms.

“But, with your looks and your charm, women must follow you everywhere.”

“Store detectives.” He corrects.

She throws her head back. “Oh, Fester.” She cries. “I always dreamed of meeting someone untouched, someone pure, someone just like you.” She purrs at him.

“You’ll meet him.” Fester assured her.

She freezes. “And.” She continues, desperate to right this boat. “And I dreamed that when I met him that we would wait until our wedding night,” she leans back on the lounge chair, “to give ourselves to one another. To make the ultimate sacrifice.”

“A goat?” Fester supplies.

“Him.” Bianca deadpans.

Debbie snaps back up to Fester. “Until now I thought it was impossible. But, Fester Addams, I love you.”

“You do?”

“Please.” She begs him. “Be brutally honest, I have to know how you feel about me.”

“I love you.” He smiles widely. “I worship you. I’d do anything for you.” He gets onto his knees. “I’d pay.”

“Fester!”

“Debbie!”

They hug and Debbie tucks him into her chest.

“Look at him.” Gomez says to his wife, fondness dripping from his voice.

“So peaceful.” She notes as they gaze down at Pubert, who is wearing a restraint muzzle.

Tyler crumpled his face into his hands. He could just picture several little children with their own little muzzles, maybe a few straight jackets.