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‘When you try your best but you don’t succeed,
When you get what you want but not what you need,
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep,
Stuck in reverse…’
-
It begins with a phone call. It always does, doesn't it? One phone call changed my mood completely; one minute I was laughing with Josh at a random quiz we found, the next minute I was on the verge of having a panic attack.
The man on the other side of the line had simply said, “Mr Simon Minter?” and I knew something was wrong. I replied and waited for him to carry on. “This was the first contact on his phone that answered, I'm afraid Olajide has been in a car accident. He has been escorted to the nearest hospital, St Mary’s.”
My whole body felt numb and I couldn't talk for the longest of times.
“Is he alive?”
“At the moment, yes, but I think it’s best if you come in. Contact his family and maybe some closest friends if possible.”
The man hung up, just like that. Josh turned to me and said, “What’s wrong, Simon?”
I collapsed shortly after, landing painfully on my knees.
“Simon!” A pair of hands shot out and grabbed my shoulders tightly, then Josh's face appeared in front of me. My phone slid from my hand to the carpet. “Simon, mate, what happened?”
“JJ… Jide's been in a car accident, Josh…” I whimper as my breaths begin to come out on short hurried gasps, my eyes brimming with tears not fallen. I couldn't cry in front of Josh, could I?
“Is he okay? Which hospital, Simon?”
“St Mary’s.”
The hands that were previously around my shoulders were now pulling at my forearms in an attempt to get me on my feet.
-
‘And the tears come streaming down your face,
When you lose something you can’t replace,
When you love someone but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse?’
-
Somehow, I had ended up in a car staring out of the window. My reflection in the wing mirror showed a man; red puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, messy blond hair. It took me a while to realise that it was me.
Looking through the window, I saw an array of brightly lighted buildings basking in the moonlight. I felt so damn exhausted, on the brink of falling asleep. All I wanted to do was wake up and let this be a forgotten nightmare.
Unfortunately, it wasn't.
-
‘Lights will guide you home,
And ignite you bones,
And I will try to fix you…”
-
Stepping out of the car felt all too real, and walking through the double doors, it suddenly hit me. My best friend for what seems like centuries might be dead.
A while had passed, don’t know precisely how long. All I know is that my best friend might be dead and every Sideman has turned up. I asked Josh to call all of them and they arrived within minutes. Not everyone is crying. I am for sure, but through my blurred vision I can tell that at least two others are crying. Josh I know is staying strong for all of us.
A man dressed in white steps through the door, clipboard and pen in hand.
“Are you friends of Mr Olajide Olajunji?” He asks. Someone replies while the rest of us nod silently. “I'm afraid to tell you that Mr Olatunji passed away in surgery at 1:32am. I'm sorry.”
-
‘And high up above or down below,
When you’re too in love to let it go,
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth…”
-
Silence.
No one dares to speak, why is no one speaking? Have I always been alone through this Hell?
Someone sniffles then sobs, and I just realise it’s me. I can feel them now, the tears dampening my cheeks, the sobs violently racking throughout my body. Somebody rubs my back, squeezes my shoulders. Lifting my head from the safety net of my hands, my eyes come across Josh who is smiling sadly, eyes dampened from tears. A hand raises and he wipes away the droplets that have broken free.
Josh is the strongest man I know, and he’s… crying?
-
‘Lights will guide you home,
And ignite you bones,
And I will try to fix you…’
-
I don’t know what time it is. I don’t know how long I've been sat in this uncomfortable chair. I do know that every Sideman has gone home apart from Josh who drove me here. Josh stands in front of me, facing where my body is slumped. I have cried all of my tears, I did that a while ago. I look at Josh who is holding his arms out either side of him.
“Come here.”
Without thinking, I push my seemingly heavy body out of the chair and fall in to his arms. Luckily, he catches me and he holds me so fucking tightly. My arms weakly grab on to his shirt and I bury my face into his shoulder. I being crying again, crying tears I didn't know I have. The tears seep through his shirt, but I don’t think he cares, he just holds me tighter. His beard scratches my ear and I laugh softly.
“What are you laughing about, Simon?”
“Your beard tickled my ear.” My voice comes out raspier than expected, but Josh laughs and breaks the embrace.
“Let’s get you home. Come on, bro.” He tugs my arm lightly, pulling me out of the building and in to his car. It’s daybreak now, the sun’s rays penetrating through some of the buildings, illuminating both the sky and the landscape.
-
‘Tears stream down your face,
When you lose something you cannot replace,
Tears stream down your face, and I,
Tears stream down your face,
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes,
Tears stream down your face, and I…’
-
Once I step through my bedroom door, I collapse roughly on my bed. I groan and roll onto my back then shuffle to the headboard. My face finds itself in my hands again, and once more the tears don’t fucking stop. My mind runs through all of the moments we shared together; from the day we met to our first football match to moving into this house. I find it difficult to breathe all of a sudden, but when I try to calm down it doesn't work.
“Simon?” I feel Josh's presence by the door. “Oh, Simon.” I stand up and cover my face with his shoulder, his arms locking me in a tight but comforting embrace. He rocks me gently, swaying side to side. “Are you hungry?”
I shake my head against his body.
“You need to drink something. I’ll get you some water. If you need anything, come and find me, okay?”
I nod and let go of him.
-
‘Lights will guide you home,
And ignite you bones,
And I will try to fix you.’