Work Text:
. . Month ♡, Day ☆, 1969. . .
I have a secret.
Something so pathetic that anyone who heard it would swirl around and laugh right at me. Even Tsukasa.
And maybe not just one, but a few.
Why would I tell you this in the first place?
Tsuchigomori said we should practice writing journal entries. Specifically about ourselves. A secret. He looked right at me saying those words. Damn him. What a nosey teacher. Don't worry, this isn't the final draft.
Just a test drive to know what sounds bad. That's all.
So where should I start? Oh, maybe I'll guess talk about my everyday life first? The real secrets can wait a bit.
Okay. I'm Yugi Amane, and I go to Kamome Gakuen. I'm in the year two middle school division, and belong to Tsuchigomori sensei's homeroom.
First, let me complain to you about just how annoying this teacher is.
He's suspiciously tall and slanky. Nearly always a bit grumpy, like we filled his favorite coffee mug with glitter. Seriously, he's always sighing. Now that I mention it, he's always drinking coffee too. Mumbling about papers he has or hasn't graded.
Every once in a while I catch him bickering with the dustbunnies on the floor. Or over his shoulder. Things like "Shut up dumb fox." Weird. Just weird. Always there in the corner when you need him least. Or want him. And askes too. Many. Damn. Questions.
Every day, this teacher without fail manages to pick on me in class, the proceed to hold me after school in his classroom interrogating me like we're playing 20 Questions.You'd think that after weeks of silence he would've stopped, back away like all the other teachers. But no, he continues to be a thorn in my side. I'm probably one in his too.
He annoys me a lot, but I guess he's not a bad teacher. He's decent. I like his class. Don't tell him I said that though.
I don't really have that many friends. I have no friends, to be blunt. Excluding Tsukasa. I can't decide if I even want them at this point. Apparently, according to Tsukasa, I naturally glare a lot and scare people off. As if. We have the same face, how I do scare people off? But then there's a bigger nagging feeling that Tsukasa is not pulling my leg because I myself know it's true.
I feel like I weird people out too. People ask me, "Why are you so quiet?" and "Do you sleep with your eyes open?" and then "Why do you keeping shaking in class?" I don't know either. If I knew how to stop I would.
I try to remember to smile to appear friendlier, but most days I'm too tired from work to be bothered, and then the cycle repeats and I'm still by myself. Whatever. I'm too busy now anyway.
The one person that talks to me at school is Tsukasa. And he doesn't really count as a friend, because he's my brother. My younger twin brother actually.
He is peppy and loud and curious and cheerful and clingy. We're the exact same in some aspects, and complete opposites in others. Though, none of the traits I've mentioned applies to me.
He always pops in and checks on me. Waves, flashes that Tsukasa grin of his, then skips back to class. Why does he check on me? I'll...explain that part soon.
But back to schedule. After school, I walk home with Tsukasa's, change clothes then rush to work. Now, why do I have a job? Well, the things is, my parents are dead.
That's secret number 1. Don't tell anyone.
Allegedly, it was a lovers suicide. Something like that. Don't remember the details. Whether it was an accident or suicide, they're still dead.
The problem is, when both parents of a family die, their kids, if they have any, get sent to an orphanage or foster care. Where we could get spilt up. Not happening. Not after losing our parents.
So I got a job. Then two. I lied about my age a bit, and still can't work full time, so I need two jobs minimum. I rush to work, do my shift, then sometimes run to my other job right after and don't get home until 2:00 am. Then I wake up at 6.00 am and go to school. Sometimes I only get three hours. Some lucky ones when I only have shifts for one job I get six. Most days I don't even eat when I get back because I'm too tired.
Tsukasa does not have a job. He wants one, but I shut that down. It would look way weirder for both of us to be working. He hangs out with friends. He does clubs. I do none of that. Plus, I'm older. He whined about it, but it's been over a year and I have yet to change my mind.
Tsukasa worries about me a lot. He tries to cook me meals, which don't always go so well. Either a very good meal or burnt to a crisp. Not that I'm any better. He worries about the bruises on my arm from work, about my lack of sleep. He frets and askes me to just quit if I don't want to do it. Like I could quit just because I wanted to. We'd go broke in a week. So I just shake my head and keep going.
Tsukasa can be a bit much. He has a curious and violent nature that is usually harmless and has never actually been a problem.
Until about a year ago.
He gets this weird dark look in his eye like he's crazy, and begs me to quit my job and stay with him. To not leave him. To stay together. But I can't quit my job because then we'll be split apart.
I tried to explain that him, but then he would get mad. Madder than I've ever seen him.
I would have a lot of bruises the next morning.
I know it's sounds crazy, but I think there's something living in Tsukasa. Something possessing him to do this. That's my second secret. Don't tell anyone.
My mom suspected the same thing when we were younger, after he went missing for six months and came back. She never shook the feeling. I feel like that's what drive her over the edge and caused her death. But I won't tell Tsukasa that. I'm all he has left. For all I know, he doesn't even remember what happens.
So I endure. Endure it all because I've learned that's what a good big brother does.
He's been extra paranoid about me leaving these few weeks, because--well...
This is the deepest secret of the bunch. The most embarrassing thing I have done in a while. I need you to swear you'll never tell anyone. Okay?
Three weeks ago, I tried to jump off the roof.
It was a mistake. I didn't mean to do it. But if Tsukasa didn't come, I don't think I can say I would have stopped myself in time.
It was a little bit before midnight. I got home four hours ago, some things happened with Tsukasa, then it was time to head to job number two. So then I finally arrived home after all my work was done.
Have you ever thought to yourself, just for a moment, that life was hard? That living to see another day was hard? Ever since my parents died, a little before then even, I have had this though on loop in my brain. It won't stop. Won't shut up.
That night, it was extra loud. The bruises on my arm were fresh and puffy and red, and my mind spun with a million thought screaming in unison with the pain like a unsynchronized choir .
I have to pay rent soon. I need to buy groceries. There's too many papers to forge my parents signatures on too. I need to clean. I'm behind on homework. Tsuchigomori is catching on to my secrets. My attacks are getting worse. Tsukasa is not getting better.
I have to deal with Tsukasa.
My legs led me upstairs, past our bedroom and onto the roof, the one place I could breathe. Practically the only place left where I wasn't spacing out and shaking like a vibrator.
I plopped down, let the exhaustion out and looked at the sky. It was a half moon, some stars revealing themselves. Ursa Major. Cancer. It was late spring then, and I took these sights in knowing soon they would shift and hide themselves until next spring.
A wish developed. A terrible, selfish wish. I wished I could dissappear like the stars. Not have to present myself to the world anymore.
The thoughts I had temporarily shoved down sprang back up. But for some reason, I couldn't fight it. The exhaustion, physical and mental sapped all my strength to divert my thoughts. And so they consumed me.
The main mistake I made was looking down for a second. My thought took a picture and edited the image until the hard cement sidewalks were no longer there.
I leaned closer, trying to get a clearer look. To view my potential freedom. It was gray. A deep, dusted gray that had crumbled from the numerous shoes that have passed through the street. A boring background gray that still managed to reflect arrays of colors, ones that I never knew existed.
A voice filled my ears, muting out all other sounds, the cars, the train, the talking, the creaking steps that got louder. They all came to a halt, slowing down until there was no one but me in the universe. "Come here, you've worked hard" it sang. The song echoed in my head, spreading through my veins.
My shoes touched the edge. My vision blurred. My arms were stretched out like a puppet on a string, reaching for the dark gray hand inviting me to a promise land.
And I came so close, but I didn't reach it in time.
Tsukasa arms wrapped around me, bringing me back to my reality.
"Amane? Why were you.."
And before I could lie and make up an excuse for that foolish behavior, he pieced it together.
And he cried. Tsukasa hardly ever cries. But he cried, holding me tighter as my own eyes watered with apology, whispering in my ears.
"Amane, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't go. Please don't leave me."
I immediately squeezed him, rambling over and over that he never did anything wrong, praying that he would believe me, but that sad look in his eyes remained until morning as I hauled him to bed.
My prayers weren't answered. Yet again.
Now Tsukasa hates to leave me alone. He always ask if I eat. He will not let me skip meals, even if I ate a snack before.
He jokes that he'll force the food down if I don't finish my plate.
It's not a joke. He's done it several times. Even as I throw up right after and spit out blood. But I don't say anything. I can't.
Because I'm a horrible big brother. Because I tried to leave him when I vowed to stay by his side and take care of him. That's my fourth secret.
And after all these selfish secrets, I still have one more.
That night was not the only attempt I've made. It's just the closest I've got.
Knife.
Rope.
Blade.
Pills.
I'm always around these things when I've unraveled to the weakest part of myself, and it tempts me. But then I remember, I'm stuck. I can't leave. Because I have to be a strong big brother who doesn't want to run away from life before he's even truly lived. So instead, I just sit on the floor and let tears escape my eyes.
How pathetic.
Tsukasa, even though I hate it, might actually need to take care of me because if I lived by myself I would've killed myself long ago. My eyes watered, but the tears didn't spill put because a part of me was disappointed. Fucking disappointed because I missed my chance. Again.
Even as I'm riddled with guilt for all that happened, I am forcing myself to wake up every morning. I am forcing myself to go to school. I am dragging myself to work. I am fighting myself and barely winning just to have to the strength to go home.
I don't want to do this. I'm tired. So, so tired. Tired of life. Tired of thinking. I don't want to think anymore. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
I don't want to live. Maybe that's my fifth secret. Please don't tell.
I will need to edit out the curse word. Well, curse words. And well, just about everything else. I knew that this wouldn't be my final, but now that I've written this much it's now annoying to think that I'm going to have to write another one.
After I let all these dark thoughts out too. Oh, I hate Tsuchigomori sensei. If I die, I might not have to do this paper.
Even though I say this, I am still living. Still breathing. I don't know if I will make it to my fourteenth birthday, but I will make it my goal. I will try to find the will to live a bit longer.
Because even though a part of me wants to die, another part of of me deep down wants to find a reason to stay here.
That's my sixth secret. One hidden from myself until now. You know the drill. Hmm, actually, this one is different.
Maybe I'll keep this one for the final draft.