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He didn’t know how to react to the news. “Chris needs stability and that's not you. How many near death experiences do you have to be put in before you realize you are needed. I can’t keep doing this.” The words shot through Buck like a bullet. He knows he’s needed. Right? He doesn't mean for it to keep happening. Why is it his fault death is playing games? It's not like he asked to keep almost dying. It's been days since he has talked to Eddie. Their last conversation played in his head. ‘Stability’, he's always been there. Always showed up when it had to do with him. He’s been less reckless but it doesn't seem like that matters. “I can't keep doing this,” someone else has given up again. Someone who is family, was family. He doesn’t know anymore. He knows he needs to get up. Talk to Eddie, but he can’t move. His body is stuck in bed. The last moment playing over in his head like a broken record.
“Look Buck, maybe you shouldn’t come over so much anymore.” The words stopped Buck from putting the cereal up in its spot. He goes to speak but the words won’t come out. Eddie takes the silence to continue speaking. “I’ve been thinking maybe it would be for the best if you stopped coming around like you have been.” Buck turns around, eyes wide, “Eddie, what?” The worst thoughts shoot through Buck's mind. ‘Did he find out I'm in love with him. Was I too obvious?’ Eddie interrupts his thoughts. Sighing a hand comes up to rub his temples. “Listen, I know this is probably coming out of nowhere for you, but it's been on my mind. You keep being reckless at work and it's hard. I have to keep watching you get hurt, nearly die. I thought when I put you in my will you would stop and think about your life but you don’t. I can’t keep coming home and telling my son that you've got hurt again. Chris needs stability, and that's just not you Buck. I mean come on man, how many times do you have to nearly die before you realize how much you're hurting your family. You are needed but you act like you aren't.” The words are caught in Buck's chest, he can hear his heart beating in his ears. He knows he’s panicking but can’t, won’t let Eddie know. “I think you should go home, Buck.” His body goes numb. Packing up his belongings he moves to the door past Eddie with no words.
He doesn’t understand what happened. He’s tried to piece it together, what happened, but nothing. Its been two days since it happened. His next shift is in 24 hours, where he’s gonna have to interact with him as if nothing happened. Something did happen. Bucks' tears have run out, dried on his face. Turning on his back he closes his eyes, it burns. He loves Eddie, in love with Eddie. Eddie doesn’t love him. He had to have found out that's the only thing that makes sense. How does he keep going? He knows he's been more clingy, over more often but he feels safe there. After waking up from the coma he likes to keep Eddie and Bobby in his grasp, when he wakes up he doesn’t panic as much because he would be in Eddie's house, on Eddie's couch. His safe space. He can’t do it. He can’t stay knowing that he's causing pain. A game plan gets made. Sitting up he gets into the motions. His body flies on autopilot. He starts writing letters. Once for each of his friends, he doesn’t want them to worry. They are all hard to write but he starts with Hen. The last 4 are the hardest, Bobby, his pseudo father, Maddie, his big sister who raised him, Chris, this kid who was never his, and Eddie, the love of his life he never got to have. The sun is setting along the horizon when he gets done. Picking up his phone he sees he has less than 12 hours till his next shift. He deep cleans the loft, packing a bag with his important stuff. Clothes, medicine, pictures of him and his family, and his favorite picture of him, Eddie and Chris.
He heads down stairs to put his suitcase in his jeep to be ready to go. Letters in his other hand. His body shakes, he thought he was done saying goodbye. Though he was done moving and bouncing. This will be the last time he says goodbye. The last time he makes roots, they never last forever. Forever doesn’t exist for him, he learned it the hard way. Only 8 hours to go, he texts Bobby. ‘Hey, I’m not feeling well, I'm sorry but I have to call out of my shift.’ He knows its shitty to text it but Buck is a coward and knows if he has to talk to Bobby he would make him change his mind. He drives to each of his fa- friends' houses and drops their letters off. Eddies is last. Its dark, no lights are on. Walking up to the house he quietly unlocks the door, he just wants to see them for the last time. He checks on Chris first, sleeping soundly, no idea that his world is going to change. Eddie's door cracked, his face wound up like having a nightmare. Taking in a quiet shaky breath he leaves his spare key on the coffee table. He walks out the door, locking it, leaving his old life, tears running down his face. When he gets to the jeep he sees he has a miss text from Bobby. ‘Hey kid, thank you for letting me know, get some rest. If you need anything let us know.’ He chokes back a sob. Driving away from the life he's built for the last 7 years. Turning on the radio the song softly plays through the jeep. If the song makes him sob harder that's for him and only him to know. Driving past the leaving California sign the only sounds are Bucks soft cries and ‘I've said it so many times, I would change my ways, no, never mind. God knows I've tried. Call me a sinner, call me a saint. Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same. Call me your favorite, call me the worst. Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt’