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It was cold. The room I was in was cavernous, yet I felt so trapped in my mind. There was just a lady who sat across from Celine and me at a wooden table. There was a thin stack of papers that was next to her as she began to question me about what I had done and what I felt. There was no denying it now, as I was essentially stripped bare of what was going on in my mind. The room itself felt nothing but empty. The walls had that faded color of happiness as the room felt sterile, like a hospital. Except it was a hospital, a mental one. My throat and mouth were constantly running dry as I tried to answer all her questions. However, I just constantly rambled on and on till my ears started to ring, and I could hear my own heart pounding. It felt like forever as she continued to ask. My independence was taken away from me as I listened to those words, “You need to be admitted now,”. I sat there as Celine took my hand. Her hands felt cold yet comforting. The woman had earlier left the room as she went to fetch more papers. I was alone with my mentor for what felt like forever as I could now hear her sobs and gasping for air. She reached my cheek as her red eyes looked at my empty ones.
“Why — why couldn’t you tell me?” Those words have never stung harder as she asked me question after question if she had failed as a guardian to protect me from suicide. The words got caught in my throat as I could only watch as Celine broke down more and more. The woman I looked up to and loved was crying on my lap because I attempted to end it all. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I did. Water welled up in my eyes again as I tried to comfort her. No words came out of my mouth when she kept on asking why, and I could only hold her body that felt like a million pounds and answer with silence. I tried to stay strong as I looked away at an empty chair when she asked to see my face. I couldn’t. How could I look at her when I was the one who broke her?
The lady came back with forms. She handed all the papers to my legal guardian as she started to cause a rainstorm on some of those forms. Papers after papers with terms and conditions and service agreements that I knew she didn’t want. She wanted to hold me and comfort me more than anything, but she couldn’t do anything but sign my freedom away. I caught my breath again as she signed the final form. I know she wants what’s best for me, but she was constantly looking back at the form and back at me. She tightly gripped that paper. She bit her lips, trying not to start another flood. She was shifting a lot as if the papers were moving her. Her eyes were red. She handed the lady the paper as she hugged me tightly. She swayed left and right as she tried to hug all of me as if I was going to leave her again. When I left to get admitted, I turned around one last time. She looked like she had been shot with a gun through her heart, and I felt like I pulled the trigger.
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If I had a dollar for every moment that I wish it were me instead of Miyeong, I would still have a dollar. Rumi deserved a mom. She deserved someone who wouldn’t have pushed her to her own weapon. She deserved someone who wasn’t her.
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She was a mother to me, even if it started as a promise, but she raised me.
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Miyeong, what would you have done if you had driven your child to suicide? Miyeong, what would you have done if I had driven Rumi to suicide? Miyeong, what have I done?
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Celine, Mom, please… I didn’t mean for it to go this far. Please, let’s just go home. You are my only home. Please, I’m sorry. I will fix it! Please! Just take me somewhere. Somewhere safe. I promise I’ll do better, please, mom…