Chapter Text
3.14159 years ago in the Court of Fontaine…
Yo, what up, gamers! It’s me, Lumine, back with another travel log! Here I am at the Court of Fontaine, and my archons, the scenery here is absolutely breathtaking! The buildings here are absolutely massive, I’ve never seen anything like it before, there’s all these advanced Meka robots going around, and the people are so well-dressed! Especially the dresses, the dresses here are so pretty, I wanna wear one too! Like, who wouldn’t want to become a cute, elegant Fontainian princess? And yooooooo, the lampposts here are so pretty, especially with that sunset, or not really sunset? The sky is still blue but it’s like dark, ish, I don’t know how to describe it but it looks really cool.
And also, I’m here just in time for the Fontinalia festival! If you don’t know what that is, basically, every year, children would wear their costumes, go door-to-door, and ask for candy! The iconic phrase they would always say is ‘trial or treat’!
So what I’m doing right now is I’m trying to blend in with the children, I’m doing a little stealth mission here, and I’m gonna get myself some of that candy! Why, you might ask? Well, the answer is actually very simple. Because candy = good.
All right, we’re approaching a house now, I gotta blend in well!
The children knocked, and the door opened.
“Trial or treat!”
“My, my, aren’t you all such lovely dears,” said the old lady who opened the door, “I have prepared 45.6 billion pieces of candy just for you! But, as per Fontainian tradition, you must tell me what you are dressed up as before I can give you any treats!”
“I’m dressed up as a skeleton!” One child said.
“I’m a ghost!” Said another.
“I am a 400 foot tall purple platypus bear with pink horns and silver wings!”
“I… am Steve. As a child, I yearned for the mines.”
“I am inevitable.”
“And I am iron man.”
One by one, each childe got one of the 45.6 billion pieces of candy. And soon, I was the only one without a treat.
“Who are you?” The old lady glared at me. “My candy is for children only, not adults! You better GET OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT before I call the gardes!!!!!!!”
“Wait, NO!” I yelled.
“I’m actually a child, and this is my adult costume! I’m dressed up as an adult, my costume is Lumine, the legendary blond traveler!”
The old lady paused for a moment.
“So you really are a child?”
“Yes, of course I am,” I lied.
“Wow! That is a very impressive costume, kiddo, you actually fooled me for a second there! Here’s your candy, have fun!”
She handed me one of her 45.6 billion pieces of candy, and oh, my! Aren’t I fortunate today? It was my favorite treat of all time, ketchup-flavoured chips!!! I love ketchup-flavoured chips!!! If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, it would be ketchup-flavoured chips. If ketchup-flavoured chips were a person, I would marry them. If ketchup-flavoured chips thinks, I agree. If ketchup-flavoured chips speaks, I am listening. If ketchup-flavoured chips has a million fans, I am one of them. If ketchup-flavoured chips has ten fans, I am one of them. If ketchup-flavoured chips has only one fan, then that is me. If ketchup-flavoured chips has no fans, that means I am no longer in Teyvat. If the world is against ketchup-flavoured chips, then I am against the-
YO WHAT THE FUCK, WHY IS THERE A WOMAN?????
YO, THERE’S THIS GIRL PASSED OUT ON A BENCH, I GOTTA GO HELP HER NOW, okay I’ll run, run, as fast as I can! Help is on the way!
“GOOD EVENING, MADAM!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“Do you is require the any help?”
“So… happy…” the girl replied. And then she almost rolled off the bench!
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!” I said as I caught her just in time, “wake up!”
“No, thank you. Charmed.”
Then, she held out her gloved hand, and I got a proper look at her.
My archons…
This girl is exactly what ketchup-flavoured chips would look like if they were a person!
Long, silky pale blue hair…
Silver-blue eyes that shone like genesis crystals…
And she was better dressed than everyone I’ve seen today!
“Ch-charmed too.” I replied, taking her hand.
Oh my archons, she’s so cute!!! I wanna befriend her!
“You may sit down.” The very cute girl said.
“I think you better sit up, you’re much too young to get picked up by the gardes.”
“Gardes?”
“Yes, gardes.”
“Tea party with Lady Furina at 3:00 PM… Water tasting with Iudex Neuvillette at 5:00…”
“My lady,” I said, “I believe that you are drunk.”
She looked at me.
“If I were dead and buried and I heard your voice beneath the sod my heart of dust would still rejoice. Do you know that poem?”
“I… I’m afraid not,” I replied honestly, “me fail the English in the high school, regrettably.”
“Have you ever noticed the withering sakura tree in the city? For me, there is a beauty to the withering, it brings back fond memories of the spring. Most people don’t agree - sakura trees that will never bloom again are removed. But when I look at a tree, all I want is to see it blossom again… just one more time…”
“Yeah, I uh, couldn’t agree with you more, but um- I can’t just leave you out here! I am the legendary blond traveler, and I will safely take you home! So, can you tell me where you live?”
She paused for a moment.
“I live in dragonspine.”
…
“Okay, I know you’re drunk, but you’re not that drunk, right?”
“Dragonspine… is my home. As a childe, I yearned for the mountains. So… happy…”
Okay, I give up.
“Okay, my lady, you know what? I have this really cool serenitea pot, it looks just like your regular old teapot on the outside, but there’s actually a whole ‘nother world inside! Why don’t we stay in there tonight?”
“So…happy…”
“All right, cool, let me just summon it! Earth and water, wind and fire, serenitea pot, it’s you that I desire!!!”
And then, the serenitea pot materialized out of thin air.
“He-hey! Did you see that, my lady? My magic’s pretty cool, eh?”
“So…cool…”
Oh- oh my archons.
She just called my magic cool! Now I wanna befriend her even more! Though, I’ll have to wait till she’s sober to ask her to be my friend.
“All right,” I said, “let’s hop in the serenitea pot together, on the count of three! One, two, three, GOOOOOO!”
Once I hopped in, we immediately began falling. I held the girl tight in my arms.
“OKAY,” I shouted, “I’M GONNA CUSHION OUR FALL WITH THIS WATER BUCKET HERE, YOU’LL BE OKAY!!!”
I pulled out my water bucket.
And the ground got closer…
Closer…
And closer…
And BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!
We landed with a big, fat, juicy, delicious thud.
“Another happy landing.”
“So…happy…”
“Yes, so happy indeed!”
And then, I sheared six sheep, punched some trees, and made myself a crafting table. I used six wool blocks and six oak planks to craft 2 beds for us. After that, I fashioned a simple house of dirt and placed the beds one block apart, because placing them together is one of the highest forms of intimacy, and it would be extremely imprudent of me to do that to a girl without her consent in a conscious state.
“Is this the elevator?” The girl asked.
“It’s our house.”
“I’m terribly sorry to mention it, but the dizziness has gotten worse… can I sleep here?”
“That’s the general idea.”
“Ok.”
She sleeped. I slape too. We both sleept.
…
The next day…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE INTERVIEW! Okay, okay, I was supposed to interview this Inazuman princess, the Shirasagi Himegimi or something, at 11:45, oh yeah I’m working for The Steambird now, I need to increase my reputation, and I was supposed to do it at 11:45!!! I overslept!!!!! FUCK!
Okay, I gotta get out of the serenitea pot, FUCK! No time for breakfast, I’m just gotta put a slice of toast in my mouth!
Okay, okay, now I’ll get out, and I’ll run, run, as fast as I can!
I hurried over to The Steambird’s headquarters.
“Morning!” Charlotte waved at me. “Euphrasie wants to see you.”
“Oh, FUCK, I’m COOKED, I’M COOKED!!! I’M MORE COOKED THAN LA SIGNORA AFTER GETTING MUSOU NO HITOTACHI’D!!!!!!”
Oh, fuck fuck fuck, what do I do what do I do, ahh I’ll just go in there, rip off the band-aid, okay, let’s go!!!!!
I entered Euphrasie’s office.
“Good afternoon, Lumine,” she began, glaring at me with her bluish-green but mostly green eyes, “you’re LATE!!!!!!!!!!!”
Oh fuck, I gotta think of an excuse, anything, anything…
“I sincerely apologize for my tardiness, madam Euphrasie, for I was interviewing the Shirasagi Himegimi, princess of Inazuma’s Kamisato clan.”
Euphrasie smiled.
“Oh, were you now? Then I’m terribly sorry for yelling at you, I didn’t know you were hard at work this whole morning!”
NICE, the excuse worked!
“It’s quite all right, madam, I’m just fulfilling my duties as a news reporter!”
“Then tell me, Lumine, what did the princess think about the idea of a Teyvatian federation?”
Oh my archons why can’t you just let me out why do I gotta more questions I swear to the archons I’m gonna-
“She thought it was just fine!” I lied.
“Oh, did she now?”
“Yes, she thought that… there’d be two effects: the direct… and the indirect. And naturally, she thought that the indirect would be less direct… than the direct. That is, not right away. Later on, of course, well, nobody knows.”
Euphrasie clapped.
“Well, well, well, that was a shrewd observation! Now, how did she feel about the future friendship of the seven nations?”
“Well… youth! She thought that the youth of the world must lead the way to… a better… world.”
“Brilliant. By the way, what was she wearing?”
FUCK! Uhh…
“Y-you mean like… what did she have on?”
“Yes, Lumine, that’s usually what it means. Are you stupid?”
“Uh, no, of course not, it’s just that I was in a hurry, so…”
“Oh, naturally, with a story of these dimensions. Did you say she was wearing blue?”
“Uh…no, I didn’t say that.”
“Huh. That’s interesting, because she usually wears blue.”
“Oh! Then what I mean is… it was a…kind of blue.”
“Oh, I think I know the dress you mean. Is it the one with the pink flowers?”
“Yes! That’s the one! Yeah, I didn't know exactly how to describe it but that's it, yeah.”
“I think you described it very well… IN VIEW OF THE FACT THAT THE SHIRASAGI HIMEGIMI WAS TAKEN VIOLENTLY ILL AT 3 O’CLOCK THIS MORNING, PUT TO BED WITH A HIGH FEVER, AND HAS HAD ALL HER APPOINTMENTS FOR TODAY CANCELLED EN TOTO!!!!!!!”
“EN TOTO?!?!?!?!”
Euphrasie slapped me in the face with a newspaper.
“YES, LUMINE, EN TOTO!!!!!!!!!!! YOU LIED, YOU LIED TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“I’M SO SORRY I OVERSLEPT I- I-”
Now wait a minute… why does the picture of the princess on the newspaper look so familiar-
!!!
YO HOLUP, ISN’T THAT THE GIRL FROM LAST NIGHT?????????
“THAT’S THE PRINCESS????????”
“Yes, Lumine, that’s the princess! You better take a good look at her because you might be interviewing her again someday-”
“Am I fired?”
“Well, no, but-”
“Madam Euphrasie. Let’s say. If I can get an exclusive story about the princess, how much would you pay me?”
“Exclusive story?? YOU COULDN’T EVEN WAKE UP FOR A F**KING INTERVIEW!!!!!”
“I know, but I mean like, hypothetically.”
“Hmm… then I’d say… 45.6 billion mora.”
I then proceeded to kiss Euphrasie on the cheeks.
“Euphrasie, I actually love you. 45.6 billion mora, HERE! I! COMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“That girl’s gone mad!”