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Sometimes Dazai thinks that a little excitement could be good for Atsushi.
When he tells this to Kunikida, the blonde gives him a wide-eyed look, then narrows his eyes and leans forward. A little more excitement, he asks, squinting hard at Dazai. With all that’s gone on in his life? A little less excitement would help him, I’d think.
Dazai merely smiles and waves him off with a comment about not getting what he meant, and returns to not doing his paperwork and doing literally anything else. He dances on and around the desks because why not, reads his book for the umpteenth time, chats with Ranpo and Tanizaki, pampers Atsushi with paperwork and praises, and lounges on the couch making terribly sung parodies of whatever comes on on his MP3. He doesn’t mean the kind of excitement Kunikida is thinking of, most definitely not, because he knows Atsushi has had more than enough of that in the past few months. But he does like to think that when it comes to their love life, Atsushi could be surprising and be surprised more often.
Dazai reflects on it sometimes, how they even ended up together. It wasn’t like it was out of the blue, really, he’d notice Atsushi acting a bit strangely around him one week, and caught on pretty quick. It was split fifty-fifty amongst the guild members between who knew and didn’t, with Dazai knowing and of all people, Atsushi not (though Dazai expected Kunikida not to realize and he was right; of course Ranpo knew the second Atsushi averted his eyes from Dazai’s usual lazy smile thrown over his shoulder). When Dazai tried to corner him about it after work towards the end of the week, Atsushi rambled some excuse and promptly returned to his home; however, by the end of the next day, he hooked his pinky around Dazai’s and stuttered through a confession.
Remembering the flush on his face and the way he looked anywhere but Dazai always has said man smiling. He honestly didn’t know how to feel at first, but he knew that between him and his partner there was something, and he also knew he wanted to act on it. Atsushi was like a little kitten to him, someone he wanted to cherish and protect, but also someone he wanted to see grow- he saw parts of himself in the boy, and couldn’t help but be a little drawn to him. Besides, the two of them worked surprisingly well as a team, and Dazai much preferred Atsushi to Chuuya.
Moving on, they progressed slowly. They still are. Dazai isn’t exactly the pushiest, and Atsushi himself seems very shy to be in this whole relationship thing. He confessed it was his first after all, so Dazai lets him take it at his own pace. He’d rather watch Atsushi work it out than push him to something he doesn’t want. But that leads him to his current predicament. He won’t push Atsushi too far from his comfort zone, and Dazai himself isn’t too skilled with relationships either; however, he does want to speed one thing up: Public Displays of Affection, a.k.a. PDA.
Dazai honestly can’t help but want to get a liiiiiitle more touchy feely in public, especially around Kunikida because he knows his reaction will be priceless. But he knows Atsushi is still shy about that kind of thing- only when they’re at one of their homes alone will he let Dazai wrap an arm around him and pull him into an embrace to cuddle. When Kyouko’s home, he’s much more shy and flustered about it and will fight a bit before letting it happen, but eventually gives in because he does enjoy the attention, and he’s comfortable with her. Dazai does like to spoil him a bit in that regard. However, he chalks it up to being unused to affection: seeing as he never got it back at his orphanage and didn’t really have somewhere to call home or people to call family, Dazai assumes that Atsushi is just shy because he’s unsure . He hopes that Atsushi will loosen up just a bit, and that maybe if he does allow himself to be a little more touchy feely, it’ll help him eventually overcome his shyness.
They’re alone in Atsushi’s apartment now. Dazai has him curled up against his side, Atsushi’s head tucked under his chin, and an arm loosely around his waist. One of Atsushi’s hands is draped across his stomach, while the other is pressed to his side, and their legs are finally tangled comfortably; they spent a good half-hour trying to find a good place. Dazai smiles and listens to Atsushi’s quiet breathing, he likes that Atsushi allows him to see him sleep. Truthfully, Dazai would never sleep with such an unguarded nature, but because it’s Atsushi, he can’t see the boy sleeping any other way.
He’s comfortable and not quite drifting off when Atsushi hums against him and shifts. The hand across Dazai’s abdomen moves to his chest, then shoulder, and Atsushi tilts his chin up. Dazai can’t see his face, so instead he settles for asking, “Oh?”
He’s surprised to feel the sudden hot rush of Atsushi’s breath across his neck, and his eyes widen a bit. He grips Atsushi a little harder, pulls him a little closer, smirking once he’s regained himself. What are you planning…?
Before he can find the answer, the door clicks and then opens. Atsushi gasps against his neck, then backs off, burying his face into Dazai’s shoulder. His cheeks are hot and Dazai can feel it even through the cloth wrapped around his neck, and he laughs good-naturedly.
“What was that about?”
“I-it was nothing, don’t worry about it…” Atsushi mutters, his fist clenching into Dazai’s shirt. He doesn’t want to meet Dazai’s eyes, he can’t believe he just did that… Or, attempted to do that…
“Nothing? That was an interesting ‘nothing.’” Dazai retorts, but doesn't push it too hard. He merely chuckles and lets it go, settling for stroking Atsushi’s back and kissing the crown of his head before releasing him so he can greet Kyouko.
He waits until he returns to his own home to finally allow himself to think on it. Even through the bandages, he could feel those hot puffs of breath; he rubs his neck, rejoicing that Atsushi was planning on kissing him. It makes him flush a bit thinking about it, how those chapped lips would feel on his skin, kissing his neck and jaw and everywhere else on his body. Before he realizes it, he’s let the fantasy get out of hand and laughs to himself, Atsushi wouldn’t treat him like that… He doubts that this early on he’d even have the confidence to top. But…
Maybe one day, Dazai thinks, covering his flushed face and chuckling to himself. He finds that the idea of bottoming isn’t unfavorable to him, and he’d like to see just how wild his little man-tiger can really get.
The second time is a little more daring. Atsushi isn’t one for PDA, Dazai repeatedly reminds himself, so he’s pleasantly surprised when they’re out on a mission with Kei and Yosano and Atsushi slips his hand into Dazai’s. Dazai jumps a bit, then looks at their intertwined hands and begins to shoot a smile at the younger, only to find him looking away; Dazai’s smile widens to a grin, and he uses his other hand to cover his mouth. He isn’t surprised when claws (they’re probably just Atsushi’s nails but they feel like it) dig into the back of his hand, making him cringe and yelp; however, even though he tries to free himself, Atsushi holds him tight, releasing him from the Claws of Death for something more sweet and sustainable.
Dazai holds Atsushi’s hand until they’re at the site of the mission before letting him go, and nothing comes up until they complete it. When they first got together, their teamwork took a rocky turn for about a week due to Atsushi barely even being able to look at Dazai without blushing. However, after sitting down for a little chat (and a stern yelling to from Kunikida) the two worked it out. Moving forward, they were put on a few separate missions until Atsushi worked up the confidence and got over his nerves to work with Dazai again.
Anyway, they finish the mission with no trouble at all, and start to head back. Yosano drags Kei off to look for something in one of the shops leaving Dazai and Atsushi alone. Atsushi slips his hand into Dazai’s again, saying nothing and holding him tightly.
Dazai doesn’t laugh this time, merely smiles and leans down to kiss Atsushi’s hair. It’s just a quick peck but the way his face vibrantly colors is more than enough to make Dazai amused. He becomes even more amused when Atsushi looks around, then tugs him into an alley behind a building.
Atsushi hesitates for a moment, not meeting his eyes, but he releases Dazai’s hand in favor of grabbing his collar and walking him back to the wall. Dazai watches him curiously, eyebrows raised highly, only really realizing what Atsushi wants when he gets on his tiptoes. Despite himself, Dazai looks away, the way Atsushi is acting makes him wonder if they can read each other’s minds.
The kiss Dazai expects never comes, and he looks down to see Atsushi staring up at him, eyes wide with confusion and just a bit of hurt. Dazai can’t help but feel a little bad for him, and stares at him fully.
“What’s wrong?”
“Did you not want to… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, just forget about it,” Atsushi mumbles, looking away. Dazai can see it on his face plain as day, that he feels unwanted; his brows furrow just slightly, and he takes one of Atsushi’s wrists before he completely turns away.
Dazai tugs him back and pins him in turn, holding his arm with one hand and his shoulder with the other. Atsushi’s mouth opens in surprise, a gasp finding it’s way from his parted lips when their lips meet. They haven’t kissed like this before, they’ve only shared soft little pecks and the occasional ‘slip of the tongue,’ as Dazai once said, but this… It’s intense and fiery, Astsushi whimpering into Dazai’s mouth and responding fervently, moving his lips and tongue against Dazai’s in a way that has the older man flushing pink. Dazai himself isn't exactly gentle, but there’s a measured tenderness to the way he kisses. That doesn’t account for his hands though, as the one at Atsushi’s shoulder travels to his hip and starts to tug him closer. Atsushi breaks the kiss with a gasp, looking away as he pushes at Dazai’s chest with one hand.
“Not… Not here…” Atsushi pants, breathless, and Dazai can’t help but steal one more peck before letting him go. The way Atsushi’s face is flushed, and how he looks at him with big doey eyes, Dazai can’t help but find it enticing, and he wishes that he could show Atsushi how wanted he really is.
As they leave the alley, Dazai slips his hand into Atsushi’s again, and brings his knuckles to his lips. Atsushi’s mouth drops open and he tries to find the words to say something, maybe stutter out a rejection, but Dazai interrupts him.
“I’ve told you before, don’t ever think for a second you’re unwanted by me.”
Atsushi shuts his mouth, looks at where their hands are connected, his his face softens. The vulnerability in his eyes, the sadness in the downward turn of his lips and the crease in his brows, the way his shoulders slump, it takes Dazai all he has not to pull Atsushi close and just hold him.
“Really, if I didn’t want you, do you think I’d make a hobby of kissing you?”
And then his face flushes again and the surprise and embarrassment return to wash away the negative emotions. Dazai laughs at his expression, not daring to swipe a kiss when Atsushi already looks like he could explode.
“Damn… Atsushi…”
“Don’t say anything, Dazai-s- ah…”
Neither of them are really sure how they got like this–– Well, Dazai may know it’s his fault and just doesn’t want to admit it, but that isn’t the point right now; not when they’re pressed close together and kissing until their lungs burn for air, Atsushi’s lower lip chewed red and color rising to Dazai’s cheeks. Dazai doesn’t want to let the younger go, and if it weren’t for the wall behind him he knows he’d have fallen over already. Atsushi is leaning heavily against him, on his toes to reach Dazai’s lips easily. They’re tucked into the corner of an empty supply closet, and though there’s not much space and an equal amount of light, it’s private. Besides, Dazai’s sure that Atsushi can see him anyway.
He doesn’t know how long they’ve been here for, but honestly he’s a little surprised Atsushi is reciprocating as much as he is. Usually he’s reserved, especially in public settings; but Dazai supposes this could have something to do with that kiss in the alley, and the closet they’re in isn’t the most ‘public’ place either.
Well, at least he hopes no one can hear them outside.
Atsushi leans up for another kiss, tugging Dazai’s lower lip into his mouth and sucking. He accidentally nips a bit too hard and though Dazai hisses it’s not enough to stop him. They’re soon at it again, passionate and feverish, all tongue and teeth and small moans. Atsushi’s hands rest against Dazai’s chest, pawing at him as if he wants more than what he can have right now even though Dazai knows that’s not the case. His own hands are wrapped around Atsushi’s waist, one rubbing his hip and the other locking him close so he can’t get away.
Whenever one pulls away, the other chases their lips, desperate to keep the contact up. Atsushi is becoming overwhelmed by the sensations, he feels like he’s getting riled up and his tiger half is starting to show through. The feel of Dazai’s lips and tongue, the heat of his body through his clothing, how warm and safe his hands feel, even his scent is driving Atsushi a little more than crazy… He’s never really felt himself or his body react to anyone in this way before. It’s nerve wracking and exciting, filling him with anticipation and dread. He wonders how Dazai feels about this, about him––
If I didn’t want you, I wouldn’t make a hobby of kissing you, he’s reminded, and the thought makes him flush a little warmer and moan quietly into Dazai’s mouth. He reaches up to hold Dazai’s cheeks, refusing to let him go for even a fraction of a second. He isn’t sure how else to convey his emotions to him without words.
I wonder how much further he’d be willing to go with me, Atsushi thinks as their tongues dance.
As if reading his mind, one of Dazai’s hands starts becoming a little more bold, traveling from Atsushi’s waist to his backside. Atsushi gasps against his mouth, unintentionally pressing his hips forward, when they hear footsteps outside. They have a split second to separate before Kunikida throws the door open, eyes narrowed and an accusatory crease to his brows.
“Bandage-wasting useless curr!” he snarls, pointing at Dazai. “Do you know how much paperwork has built up on your desk?”
“Um, perhaps a small office’s worth?” Dazai asks, noting how panicked and flustered Atsushi looks. Dazai hasn’t even bothered checking himself, but he knows that neither of them look ruffled enough to fully fix their clothing as Atsushi is doing. It makes him smile and laugh a little, but he holds it down for Kunikida’s sake.
“It’s overflowing to my workspace, and I don’t remember my schedule having anything about cleaning up your messes today.”
“But, Kunikida-san, didn’t you know that helping friends out is good for your karma? Write this down, okay?”
Kunikida straightens and pulls out his notebook, diligently writing down everything Dazai says about selfishness causing back pains. He almost writes down ‘I’m joking with you’ before he barehandedly snaps his pen in half, teeth grit.
Grabbing Dazai by the collar, he tugs him away to do his own damn work, leaving Atsushi alone in the closet. Atsushi wonders if Kunikida even really noticed him, and after a few minutes of clean-up heads back as well. He can’t stop touching his lips though, and thinking about how much Dazai cares for him.
They’re in the cafe as usual, drinking coffee with Tanizaki and Naomi before they go to the office together. It’s usual morning affairs, all jokes and laughter, and quiet whimpering as Naomi throws herself onto her brother and reminds him of “the things he did the night before.”
Atsushi laughs awkwardly as usual, and Dazai notes he seems a little distracted. Atsushi watches them with more interest this time, instead of averting his eyes or worrying as he usually does. It’s peculiar, to say the least. Dazai looks at the two, but nothing is out of the orderly with them, so Atsushi must be thinking about something. Ah, Ranpo would be proud.
He leans over to his little tiger slowly, and after confirming his attention on the two siblings, blows into his ear. The younger yelps and almost throws his drink, gathering himself as fast as he can before looking at Dazai.
“Y-yes?”
Dazai laughs at him, “You’re so jumpy. What were you focused on?”
“Focused? Oh, I…” Atsushi glances at the siblings again, then back to Dazai’s other side. Would he ever want to do that with me? He said he liked kissing, but… Would I be able to… It’s embarrassing to phrase it like that, aahh…!
“Hello? Atsushi, are you there?”
“Ack- Right! No, I was just, um…” How can I tell him that… “Can you lean a little closer?”
Dazai gives him a confused look, but does as he’s asked, leaning over. Atsushi gulps, closing his eyes as he covers where his lips meet Dazai’s ear with a hand and whispers, “I-I was just thinking about how Tanizaki-san and Naomi-san interact… Would we ever do that?"
There’s a beat of silence and Atsushi thinks he’s stepped out of line, starts pulling away, when Dazai whispers back, “If you want to.”
Atsushi flushes red and darts away, hiding behind his mug. He’s so glad that Tanizaki excused himself for the bathroom and Naomi’s getting herself another drink, so she’s not focused on him. Dazai orders as well and Atsushi is too flustered to get anything, thinking about acting like the siblings, in public, with Dazai.
That’s really not good for his heart, he hopes he doesn’t go into cardiac arrest.
Dazai and Naomi entertain a conversation until Tanizaki returns and they can distract each other again. When Naomi tries to get him to order her a dessert cake for breakfast, Dazai leans over again to whisper, “If it’s alright with you, alright?”
“Right… We were… Close in that closet, weren’t we…” Atsushi mumbles, sipping his drink.
“We can always try again. But at a home, with a bed.” Dazai smiles at him.
Atsushi blushes and nods, and Dazai continues, “Go at your own pace. Don’t force yourself to please me, alright? I want you to feel comfortable.”
“Yeah. Thank you,” Atsushi says with a sincere smile, and he really means it. He loves the little smile he gets out of Dazai at that.
On a whim, he gets an idea, and before he can second guess himself, he leans up to peck Dazai’s lips, returning to his drink just as fast. The surprised look on Dazai’s face and the light dusting of pink across his cheeks is totally worth it, and he only regrets it mildly because the way Tanizaki and Naomi stare at him, one with wide eyes and the other sporting a face-splitting grin, tells him that they saw that little kiss in it’s entirety.
He may be embarrassed enough to hide under a rock, but he’s glad he doesn’t when Dazai recovers himself and laughs, throwing an arm over his shoulder to pull him close.