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Reki hated being alone. After his old best friend had quit skateboarding and as a result, their friendship, he was always alone in class. It’s not like his classmates were boycotting him on purpose, but he knew there was no use in trying to fit in. They were all interested in things he was not. Whether it be gossip, screwing around with girls, or talking shit about their teachers.
But all Reki really enjoyed was skateboarding. (And staring at the ceiling crying to ao3 at night, but that wasn’t something he would like to talk about anyways.) He tried hard to convince himself that he could get used to, even enjoy, being alone. But the truth was just that he didn’t. He couldn’t. He couldn’t get himself to enjoy it no matter how hard he tried. Sometimes, he wondered, if he had not brought up that he noticed his friend was being distant, would they not have argued like that? Maybe, it wouldn’t be so awkward when they see each other now. Maybe they wouldn’t all look at him with resent. Reki wishes he could stand up proud against that gaze, the way he looked at him with pure disgust and hatred, but he deep down, he knew they were right. It was his fault, it was all his fault. He deserves this, maybe that’s why it kind of feels good when he feels himself stared at with disdain. He knew it was because he hated himself just as much as they did.
He pretends to sleep through the laughter and noises, not that there was anything else he could do at school, not like he could just pull out his cellphone or get on his board in the classroom. He just doesn’t want other people to see how awkward he is, amongst the rest of the class who all seem to get along. Everyone except him.
Perhaps more than anything, he hated sitting in a restaurant by himself. He was fine with eating takeout and sitting alone at home in the comfort of his own room, his mother was often busy at work and the house was always empty before his sisters were born. During lunch hours, he’d often skip eating and go to the library to sleep instead. Yeah his stomach was empty, but he hardly felt hunger after years of depriving his body. He’d have a little of an appetite at nighttime, after skipping lunch and breakfast, which is why his mother isn’t catching onto any of this, she probably thinks he’s a normal growing boy even, eating more than he used to during dinner. He went to the library so often that the school librarian recognises him and they even wave hello sometimes. At least Reki can have the peace of mind that someone enjoyed his company, the library was usually empty during lunch hours after all, Reki goes to a pretty average highschool, so nobody really cares about academics enough to stay and skip spending lunchtime with their friends.
One time, Reki had been looking everywhere for his ear tips (the silicone covers on earbuds) and thought they were lost for good. During lunchtime, the librarian went over to him at his favourite desk in the library (it was the optimal place for sleeping, the air conditioning and the blinds at that particular spot was perfect) and asked him if the ear tips she had found were his. He almost jumped in joy, and even though it was such a minuscule thing, he remembers it so clearly to this day because for the first time ever, he felt like someone actually paid attention to him. To think that he went so often that she’d notice he used black ear tips made him feel a bit like a loser, but that was details compared to the fact that he was actually cared for, even though they knew close to nothing about each other.
That night, Reki returned home after school, stomach growling at its emptiness. His tired eyes met his mom’s, an uncommon occurrence. She usually isn’t home this early, working overtime to provide for her children. He’s just wasting her money and efforts by being such a failure of a child. He knows she thinks the same.
“Reki? We should talk about your grades. You know you’re graduating this year, right? Please put more effort into studying instead. And it’d be nice if you stop skateboarding for a while, you know you’re lagging behind partly because you’re always absent from class from your injuries. Please Reki, care about schoolwork a little more.”
Quit skateboarding?
Quit skateboarding.
What can he even look forward to during the day if not to go to the skate park?
Oh well.
“Okay,” he said, blankly, before going back in his room and locking the door, not even considering eating dinner first.
He wakes up groggily, not even realising he fell asleep. Must’ve passed out on the bed because his increasingly low blood sugar. It became a problem only recently, when he’d started starving himself. Not like 100% on purpose, more like he just really hated the feeling of being alone in a restaurant so he’d rather just skip, but he tells himself it’s a good opportunity to lose weight, even if it was fuelled by all the wrong reasons.
He looks at the portfolio hanging from his schoolbag that he brought home to ask for his mom’s signature. The school nurse had updated their measurements and written it on their portfolios. He stared at the number next to “BMI”. It almost felt like it was staring back at him. It was lower than last year’s, which was lower than the year before that. Great. He was doing spectacular. He was actually achieving something. For the first time ever, he felt like he was actually worth something. Finally, there was something that he was good at. He may fall time over time again, but at least he could control this. He could control his own willpower to stop himself from hauling down food, that his stomach begged for but his mind deprived himself of.
He handed the portfolio to his mother, as she gives him a confused look.
”What is this, Reki? I don’t remember ever signing something like this last year.”
Oh.
He remembers now.
Every year, he’d be too busy admiring the card, staring down at the decreasing number by the column “weight” by the years, that he’d completely forget to ask his mom to sign his card. She was busy with the twins anyways, so he would usually just forge the signature.
But he couldn’t tell her that. That he found pride in seeing himself getting more and more underweight.
”Oh, whoops! Must have slipped my mind, sorry for forging your signature, I didn’t want to bother you,” Reki brushed it off with a sheepish smile, scratching his head.
Reki made sure to keep his smile bright, squinting his eyes to mimic the way his smiles used to reach his eyes. When he was able to smile out of pure, genuine joy, instead of to keep up appearances of just that.
He must have not been as good as he thought he was though.
“Reki…stop that.” Reki’s mother frowned. What is that look on her face? Reki could only recognise it as pity.
He squinted his eyes further. “Hm? What do you mean? Stop what?”
She puts her hands on his face, cupping his cheeks. They were softer than his, which were heavily roughed up from skateboarding, but still calloused, years of housework done evident. She touched his cheeks with affection, he could feel she was being particularly gentle with her touches, as if he was a fragile piece of china that would break under any pressure. Contrary to her gentle touch, her eyebrows were heavily furrowed, her smile sad.
“Reki, honey…it hurts me to see you hurting. But what hurts me the most is the fact that you find it necessary to hide it even from me. I don’t want you to feel unsafe even in your own home.” She looked at him in a way that gave him chills, he didn’t need pity like this.
“…this is why I don’t want to tell you. You always empathise too much. It’s too much for me. These things are kind of awkward to tell your own mother, y’know…? And I wouldn’t want to bother you with you already being so busy with the twins and Koyomi…the last thing I’d want to be is a bother to you. I would hate for you to view me as bothersome when you’ve already got so much on your plate…” Reki looked to the side, feeling a bit guilty for talking to his own mother like that, as if she was the one at fault for caring about her own son. Wow, some jerk he is.
”I’m not pitying you, Reki. I care about you, and I know those tired eyes more than anyone. I just want you to know I love you, dear. You are never bothersome to me, I promise. You are my child for goodness sake! What is a mother to do if not care for her baby boy? How about we find you some professional help? This isn’t something that just goes away,” She sighs and looks into his red, baggy eyes. She knew he would refuse. She knew he would rather keep everything to himself than even dream about asking for the help he needs. Yet, she asked anyways as a last ditch effort, what if?
”No. I’m fine. As long as some stupid doctor doesn’t slap some stupid label onto me, I still have a chance of being useful in this world.” He leaves his mom in the living room, returning to the comfort of his own room.
Reki flops onto his bed, feeling horrible and really guilty now for just talking to his mother like that. He lashed out at her for no apparent reason, when all she did was try to offer help to him.
He looks over at his dead phone, too tired to get up and charge it. It’s not like he needed it anyways. He’d rather just rot in his bed and drown himself in his thoughts, rather than actually socialising and replying to the mountain load of messages, which surprisingly really piled up over the weeks (considering he doesn’t really have friends at all, it’d just be one or two people on Instagram whose faces he doesn’t even know), that he had been ignoring. He doesn’t consider them his friends though. He knows it’s his fault for having way too high expectations and romanticising having a best friend. One person that would stay with him no matter. Reki would care about him the most, and he would reciprocate.
Sometimes, Reki just wishes he wasn’t always alone.
To have someone that would stay with him, for infinity.
He wonders if that would ever happen.