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“Do you ever wonder when it stops?”
Lisa half-spoke, half-whispered the question into the softness of her fiancée's decolletage.
Her voice had long lost the battle of her emotions, though in truth, she'd been battling them for a long time now.
It just took one powerful trigger to pull the stopper from the tub.
And what more could have done it but the (un)welcome return of her not-so-dead spouse.
Carla sighed into her blonde hair, closing her eyes as she thought of how much of a setback this was going to be for both of them.
Betsy too, in time. Despite what Lisa wanted, Becky wasn't going to go quietly into the night, content just to shake up her wife's life. The pieces to be picked up were still waiting until the news would finally be sprung on the teenager- so what if she was eighteen? That's still a teenager- and then the fireworks would truly start.
“We'll get through this, Lis. I'm here, for whatever you need. I can't even begin to imagine how you've got through today.”
The detective tensed slightly, her head dipping away from where she had been nuzzling against her.
“I don't think you got what I meant, love. I mean, will we ever move beyond surviving and get to just live?”
Carla straightened, shifting back up against the headboard as Lisa suddenly came to life, a flurry of thoughts and theories wrenching her upright, as she rambled.
“We got this far. We got engaged, for God's sake. It's a miracle we even got here- look how many times something has happened to one or both of us. And Betsy. You getting attacked in the factory, the sepsis and the transplant, me getting myself caught up in Rob's drama and losing the plot over Betsy getting shot and Craig and a bunch of other things, namely my flamin’ undead wife who basically as good as orchestrated all this chaos because apparently that was the only way any of us could live our lives. I don't even know how you can still be here with me with all of the absurd chaos I've brought on your doorstep, it's the stuff of a bad mystery novel.”
The brunette brushed a hand against her back to interrupt; “Hey, I quite like mystery novels, thank you. Let a girl have her hobbies, won't you?”
Lisa sniffed with amusement.
“Of course that's what you focus on.”
“Well you've just launched a sizable verbal grenade out there, it's a lot to process and by the sounds of it, you've spent too long processing some of it.”
Lisa sat up, kneeling next to her on the bed. She took hold of her left hand and proceeded to swivel at her rings, paying particular attention to the princess-cut (an in-joke between them) diamond engagement ring she had spent weeks carefully assessing before presenting it to the woman in front of her only a short time ago.
“I want a life with you, Carla. To live the rest of mine with you, not just be hanging on by my bootlaces every five minutes thanks to the latest drama that's kicked off.”
“Drama might be minimising it a bit, darling.”
“Maybe. But is it so wrong that I just want to pretend this godforsaken day never happened and wake up with you tomorrow and finally get to just enjoy you and enjoy knowing we're sorted from now on?”
Lisa had faltered as she found herself opening to more vulnerability than she had ever previously shown Carla.
“Is there something so wrong with wanting happiness?”, she asked softly, jade eyes glistening, pleading for some sort of answer to be found in the brunette.
“Of course not. You're allowed to be happy. We all are.”
She sniffed pitifully, tears catching at the corner of her top lip.
“I didn't think so for ages. Y’know, after what… what didn't happen. Just figured I'd had my lot and I got what I deserved after rowing with Becks and then being up myself at work, thinking I was untouchable. All the stuff that kept piling on the misery afterwards didn't seem like enough punishment for it all.”
Lisa sharply wiped at her cheeks with the cuff of her sleeve, then reached out a shaking hand to hold the brunette's cheek gently. Reverently.
“Then I met you.”
Carla snorted, ducking away from the attention but the heat rushing to her cheeks couldn't be masked.
“Brought you back down to earth with a bang, eh?”
Lisa chuckled wetly, letting her hand return to join the other holding onto Carla's.
“Just couldn't let me have a moment, could you?”
Raising an eyebrow, the factory-owner shuffled in place, sliding back down to where she'd originally been laying on her back, releasing her hands from Lisa's grip to open her arms, wordlessly asking to hold her. She obliged, wrapping her arms around her.
“I think you'll find that thus far, you've been the one keen on breaking moments. Or has the memory of you scarpering to the four winds out of the flat escaped you already?”
She was joking, of course. But there was an undertone of insecurity to it; a fragile levity thinly papering over a crack that threatened to widen into a chasm.
It suddenly struck Lisa that Carla had taken the events of the day far better than she had expected.
Suspiciously far better than could be expected.
And Lisa, so caught up in her own considerable turmoil, hadn't even let it cross her mind that her and Betsy weren't the only people having their lives uprooted with Becky's return.
“There's very little I could ever forget about you, Carla.”
She reached a hand up to lightly tap at the bridge of her nose, smiling as her fiancée playfully nudged at it.
“Including your tells for when you're having a hard time; such as, for example, jumping in to put everyone else's needs before your own. And, when you deflect someone's concern for you, or my heartfelt speeches, you shift your eyes away and blink faster, looking left and right before answering.”
Carla closed her eyes, scrunching them slightly.
“Bloody coppers.”
“After today, I'm inclined to agree with you for once. Sick of the sight of them, I am. But come on, talk to me. I love you for looking out for me and Bets and things would be a hell of a lot worse without you by my side for it.”
The brunette reluctantly opened her eyes, catching the look of open concern and love now a few inches from her face.
She softly kissed her, using the few seconds of peace within it to calm herself.
Lisa just gave her a look.
“No distractions. I know this is hard on you too. I'm here, if you want me to be.”
The words escaped her before she could hold them.
“Of course I want you to be.”
“So?”, she prompted.
“That's the problem, isn't it? I want you to be here but I have no right to even ask it of you.”
Lisa frowned.
“Hold on, why wouldn't you have the right to ask me that? You shouldn't even have to ask. It's a given.”
Carla looked up at her uncertainly.
“Is it? I mean, she is your wife. Betsy's mother. You spent most of your lives together, I've seen first-hand what losing her did to you. I'd never hold you back.”
“Carla-”
“-No Lis, just…”- she held out a hand between them to halt her dissent- “...look, let me just say this because I don't think I can do it again, I'm too far in and I'm too old to mess around. I'd… Lisa, she's here. Alive. You said it yourself, she's the love of your life. You deserve to live that love and give Betsy the chance to have her family back. If it's what you want, then I won't stand in your way. But if that is it, then please, sleep on it and tell me where you are in the morning and I'll respect your wishes. I just can't… I can't be here with you like this knowing that it's not for me to have and not know what's going on until suddenly you're already gone.”
Eyes misting, Carla released her and went to turn away, not wanting to see the expression on Lisa's face, but two strong, pale hands halted her in place by the hips.
“Don't you dare move an inch, lady. Not one.”
Carla looked up at her blankly, surprised to see anger written across the blonde's face.
“Aside from being the bravest, most stubborn and infuriating woman I've ever met in my life, you also happen to be the most painfully selfless person on the planet.”
“I'm not-”
“-You are! You are so insistent on giving me room to tackle my emotions, my grief, and my absolute shambles of a private life as well, if today's anything to go by. But where is there room then for you? Who gets to put you first?”
Carla remained silent.
“Had you listened to anything I've said to you- or rather everything- even since we came up here, how you can wilfully ignore how ridiculously in love with you I am is beyond me!”
“Lis, darling-”
“I've told you how much I want for us to have a happy life together, I tell you how incredible it is that you want to be with me, in spite of all the shit we've had to put up with since we got together and yet you don't think I could choose you?! Loving you has never been a choice, much as I liked to pretend to myself and then you, at first. It's automatic. I know you get self-conscious about your relationship history but honestly, I can't fathom how there aren't even more people queueing up halfway across Weatherfield for you. It's a privilege to be with you, to be in a relationship with you and if you think I could just walk away from you at the drop of a hat, then you're way off the mark.”
“Nobody ever chooses me.”
Lisa stared at her, incredulous.
“What?”
“You heard. No one chooses me. I'm just the second-best when the first option lets you down. Yet no matter what, I'll always end up the worst end of it. Time and time again, that's all I've ever been to anyone. And I knew, I just knew it was too good to be true; no way could I be happy with someone like you for this long without something or someone kicking off. And I'm tired of it.”
Trembling as her despair got the better of her, she folded her arms against herself, nails digging into her ribs with a familiar sharpness.
“Just the once would be enough.”
Lisa leapt up from the bed and swiftly rounded it to crouch on the floor at Carla's side of the bed.
“Sweetheart, you have me.”
“You have Becky. See, I'm the backup yet again. I thought I could manage when it was a memory I had to contend with, not an actual living person.”
“Fuck her.”
“What? Ergh, no thanks.”
“No. Seriously, Carla. Fuck Becky, fuck all of this. Yes, once upon a time, I considered her the love of my life. Even recently enough, I won't lie to you.”
Lisa pulled the damp brown strands of hair out of her face where they had stuck, lightly running her hand through them to untangle them.
But you, Carla Connor? You are my soulmate. We're getting married, as long as that's still what you want, and we're staying here with our family. ‘Cause that's certainly what I'm signing up for.”
Carla sagged against the pillow, relief steadily pouring out of her hearing those words.
“Are you sure?”
Lisa smiled reassuringly.
“‘Course I'm sure, my love.”