Chapter Text
Higgs' opinion about you wasn't high. He didn't respect you in the slightest, and you were sure he hoped to wake up one day and realise you are gone. In truth, you were thinking the exact same thing about him. You had it in common — both of you couldn't stand sharing Amelie's attention. Both of you wanted to be her one and only. And both of you can go and cry about it somewhere else, because Amelie let you know: you will be working together. And Amelie’s word is your law; you didn't want to disappoint her.
Higgs was chaos incarnate; he didn't care about the destruction he was causing. You weren't sure he cared about anything at all. The world will perish, and this truth gave him a green light to commit any atrocity.
You preferred thoughtful planning and careful steps. You believed that just one clear move would be enough for everything to fall like a house of cards. The end is inevitable; why not make it as quick and painless as possible? Higgs was prone to brutality; you saw cruelty as something unnecessary.
The end must be gentle, like a lullaby. It is the final chapter, and all fears and sorrows, injustice and hate would be gone. This will be the last mercy for humanity. Amelie’s eyes shone when you shared your vision with her. She promised that you can ensure this ending if you join her.
Higgs laughed at your dream. Too idealistic, he said. Death cannot be merciful or painless. You tried to prove the opposite. None would ever admit the other is right.
But tolerating him became much easier when you thought about him not as a psycho but a deeply sick, traumatised, depressed loser.
“You are overdosed on chiralium, aren't you?”
It was obvious; you were disappointed you didn't realise it much sooner, because he had all the symptoms from the book.
And, of course, he continued to use his favourite golden mask, also made of chiralium. Higgs didn't give himself a chance.
“Don't be stupid,” he dismissed you. “We are DOOMS users.”
“We have resistance, not immunity, smartass,” you rolled your eyes, feeling boiling anger under your skin. Is he serious?! “You are slowly killing yourself. Chiralium is destroying both mind and body.”
Higgs didn't need your explanation — he already knew it. He couldn't not know it. But he was a grown adult with his own head on his shoulders.
“How about minding your business, ah, Ghost?”
You clenched your teeth, walking through him in annoyance and enjoying his shivering from the contact.
“Fine. As you say, Higgs.”
_ _ _
“In case you suffered brain damage and forgot my words, I am not part of your Homo Demens, Higgs. I am not your lackey; I don't take orders from you. We are equals,” you reminded him, but Higgs only smirked. He would rather think of you as a servant, not a colleague. But you didn't help him; you were helping Amelie, even if it meant doing something for Higgs from time to time.
For you, Amelie’s opinion was the only guidance. She is your God; she is your Death. If it brings her happiness, you will swallow your pride and dignity.
You probably started with Higgs on the wrong foot. Most of the disputes could've been avoided if you had immediately learned not to question his dubious plans. But could you really stand aside when he did everything you tried so hard to avoid — causing irreparable harm? You still remembered that woman he forced to run through timefall.
Fragile. You were too late to prevent it.
“You did it. You saved them,” you whispered, kneeling near her and protecting her with your umbrella from the rain. It was the smallest act of kindness, but you couldn’t do more. Her body was completely ruined; however, she was still alive. You looked into the distance where Higgs should have been standing. He could be as angry as he wanted, but he wouldn't interfere now.
“Weren’t you friends once?” you asked him, not with rage but sadness and pity. “Why make her suffer like that?”
He scoffed.
“No connection is everlasting.” In his world, yesterday’s friends are today’s enemies. “Fragile should have known better than to stand in my way.”
Your working tactic was to ignore him. Higgs did everything to test your patience. For example, right now, he shamelessly invaded your personal space, hovering over your shoulder.
You tried to hack one security system, but Higgs's presence made it impossible to concentrate. So in reality, you were just pretending you were busy, waiting for him to leave you alone.
You felt his breath on your skin, giving you goosebumps. But reacting meant losing to him, so you continued to act like Higgs wasn't in the same room with you, coming uninvited.
He was lonely. This is the impression he gave to you. As if violence were his core interaction, he didn't know how to communicate with someone without it. You doubted he even had someone to talk to, considering how much of his free time he started to spend in your presence. Who else could understand him better than you? Homo Demens, whom he treats as his assets?
He made a habit of visiting you. Maybe telling him where he can find you in case of emergencies was a mistake.
Higgs wouldn't be Higgs if he didn't break your walls of indifference. He. Licked. You.
You stood up and screamed. No, you didn't say a word; you just purely screamed, scrubbing your cheek. You hoped he wouldn't give you rabies.
“Higgs,” you said his name through your teeth, while he grinned like a madman. “Do you have any concrete reason why you are here?”
“Just wanted to check on our little darling Ghost. What if you have some juicy news?”
A few weeks ago, you appeared from nowhere, jumpscared him (unintentionally, but you were very proud), and did him a favour by pointing at a traitor among his terrorist band. Nothing big, really. At least now, Higgs didn't think about you as a completely useless waste of space near Amelie.
“If I have something important to tell you, I will tell you.”
“You don't have my number. Must be exhausting stalking me every time you want to talk. Unless… you enjoy it.”
“Oh no, you found out my secret,” you deadpanned, without telling him that you have his number. “Now find the door and close it from the other side.”
“If you are so into me, shall I expect to find you one day in my humble abode?” he continued, looking around, touching your stuff.
“Your hideout looks like you fought with raccoons and raccoons won. And then died there.”
The first time, you were just curious, but you will refuse to go there again, even if Amelie personally orders you to. What if you catch fleas?
“What a specific description. So you were at my place. What did you do? Looked through my dirty laundry?”
“Of course, I am so into you, how could I not? Watched your porn collection, read emails, the usual. By the way, your password was surprisingly easy to guess. I mean, ‘particle_ofgod1999’, really? But why 1999, tho? It's not your year of birth–”
He disappeared with a poof. Finally, you outplayed him in his own game.
_ _ _
The name ‘Particle of God’ would suit you better. Omnipresent, invisible, and all-pervading — it was about you. But Higgs chose the name first, and it wasn't worth fighting over. He had a full-scale hyperfixation and went far enough to have tattoos. You were impressed by this level of dedication. ‘Ghost’ was a fine name, too. That's how Higgs started calling you, and you just accepted it. You bet he just forgot your real name.
Higgs used his powers however he wanted, making a show out of it. You weren't as strong as he was, but Amelie's gift gave you other advantages. For you, there were no closed doors or unsolved secrets. You were a perfect spy, acting in Amelie's interests.
Regular meetings were at the Beach. You awaited them with anticipation, ready to give Amelie your report. At first, she always listened with fascination, a hint of a smile on her lips. Higgs was annoyed by this, considering his actions more effective. Yes, blowing up cities is a very clever tactic, you wanted but didn't say aloud. Did he expect a medal from Amelie or, better, a cookie from a shelf?
But Amelie became more and more distant, looking at the ocean rather than you. Instead of supervising and giving new orders, she granted her servants almost absolute independence — no need to seek her approval every time.
Still, Higgs and you continued to show up, even if Amelie stopped doing the same. You often just sat on the sand in awkward silence. In contrast to the real coast and the sea, the cradle of life, this place was lifeless, frozen in its eternity.
“Have you ever looked at the rocks and thought, damn, I can just smash my head and end it all?” It wasn’t the best way to start a casual conversation. You glanced at Higgs with concern. His gaze was directed towards the vast expanse of calm water. You'd rather hear some snide remark from him. Is he at the age when men have their first existential crisis? Or the chiralium contamination kicked in hard?
“Yes, sometimes. Who isn’t?” you admitted carefully. “But if I wanted to kill myself, I’d choose… a more lethal way. Not like it works for us, anyway.”
“Yeah. For us, there’s no escape from this shithole you call life. We will be dragged back.”
You almost asked what was going on inside his head. After all, you couldn’t remember if you even experienced death and resurrection from the Beach like Higgs did.
“Try not to have any business in the South Knot City in the near future,” he warned you, which was unexpectedly kind.
“Try not to order too many suspicious things as Peter Eglert,” you said in return. “You were almost tracked down.”
“Was it you?” he asked, implying he knew someone cleaned his traces.
“Who else? But your pizza stories are hilarious; honestly, that pizza man must be bathing in money, considering how much you order. Aren't you tired of eating the same food?”
“Stalker,” he muttered, as if he wasn't even worse with his “Wall of Sam”. Sam was a special person; you understood why Higgs and Amelie were interested in him. But you didn't share their obsession — it just didn't make any sense. Sam to you was just a man. You made a few photos of him, though, as a present for Higgs’s growing collection.
You were sure Higgs would never lay an eye on him if Amelie didn't pay Sam any attention. But Higgs saw how she cared. And Higgs was far more than jealous. He was jealous of you, Amelie's pet, as he thought, her little angel on the shoulder, who whispered, “Kill them with love and kindness!”. Why else would she allow you all of that nonsense if she didn't like you? But then he realised: compared to Sam, you are nothing.
You could only accept the truth. Amelie said acceptance is your greatest virtue, that's why you are never angry. The world will crumble, fine. The end is inevitable, okay. Amelie doesn't love you, slightly more than indifferent. She doesn't love you, but she loves Sam.
Which is… not great, but you kept smiling. Indifference is better than pure hatred.
“And pizza has many flavours. What else can I eat?”
“I don't know, try a soup.”
“Soup?”
“Yes, like veggies with groats in boiled water.”
“I know what soup is.”
“I'm positively shocked,” you gasped. “By the way, your eyeliner is smudged.”
He touched his face with his gloved hand.
“No, wait! You made it even worse. You look like a raccoon.”
“I thought they all died at my place.”
“It seems one survived and evolved. Just let me fix it,” you said, unable to stand a total disaster of his make-up. He looked at the handkerchief you were holding with a complete lack of trust, as if it were a weapon you were going to use to torture him.
For someone who constantly invades other people's personal space, he wasn't comfortable with you being so close on your own initiative. His shoulders were tense, and he almost flinched when you touched the skin under his eyes.
You never got a chance to see all the small details of Higgs' face before. He often hid it under masks. But now you've noticed how pale he looked, and the dark circles under his eyes weren't just from smudged eyeliner. He didn't sleep for a while.
“It kinda reminds me of pharaohs' eyes,” you commented. He sighed and visibly relaxed.
“That's the point, thank you for finally noticing.”
“Oh, so that's what all of your aesthetic is about? Sorry, I was always more into Greek mythology.”
It was enough to trigger his unskippable monologue about the burial traditions, symbolism, and ancient culture.
“Sorry, can you repeat the last twenty-five sentences? I looked for too long in your pretty blue eyes and kinda zoned out.”
You said it, wanting him to explode from his ranting. Instead, he opened his mouth, but no words came.
“Are you blushing or having a fever?”
His cheeks turned pink slightly. You wanted to touch his forehead and check it, but Higgs stepped aside, putting his mask back.
Try giving him a few more compliments and see how it turns out.
_ _ _
He wasn't sleeping. What's the point if he would wake up after another most vivid dream of the End? Higgs knew it would come, but in the dreams, no one could think rationally. He lay still with his eyes closed. Only a five-minute break, nothing more. But lying down on the bed was a big mistake, because as soon as his head touched the pillow, his body refused to move.
The soft sound of guitar strings cut through the silence. Whoever broke in, he hoped they would slice his throat, and then he would return with a vengeance and maybe finally feel something.
“Can you play, or is this guitar just for show?”
Ah, it's miss “I'll never visit your dirty place”.
“Hello to you, too, Ghost,” he mumbled, his eyes still closed. “Yeah, I know how to play.”
Must be something urgent if you were here. But you didn't say anything else. Higgs heard how you were pacing back and forth.
“Did something happen?” he decided to ask directly.
“What if I missed your handsome face?” Higgs finally opened his eyes to look at yours. Did you just joke? How cute. You sat on the edge of his bed. If Higgs weren't feeling so shitty, he'd be proud of you: you've definitely picked up a few things on how to be bold from him.
If you were making a list of what's wrong with Higgs Monaghan, you would need just one word — “everything”.
“When you are away for longer than usual, your little Homo band is in disarray.”
Oh. His five-minute break wasn't just five minutes. Was it five days already?
“But you know what was the most surprising?” you poked a finger at his cheek. “They are all convinced I am your girlfriend. Did you publicly swear your undying love to me, and I missed that?”
“I have no idea what you mean,” he shrugged his shoulders. “People are free to think whatever they want. And you are the one who always follows me around, like a ghost.”
“Firstly, you aren't funny. Secondly, you are wrong. And finally, you are avoiding the main topic.”
“Which is?”
“Your chiralium contamination.”
“Not again,” he sighed. “Stop mother henning me. It's annoying. I'm alright.”
That was a blatant lie.
“No, Higgs, you are far from alright.”
“Oh, just fuck off. Since when do you care?”
You stared at him in disbelief. Maybe he was just furious that you caught him in such a vulnerable moment?
“Why do you think I wouldn't care about you?” Your question disarmed him. “We are allies. I know you don’t like me much, but it doesn’t mean you can't rely on me.” If you were in his place, Higgs wouldn’t do anything. Most likely, he would enjoy your misery. But you weren’t him. “You are destroying yourself.”
“I know it!” he snapped. “But this is how things are going on! Some sacrifices are necessary!”
Most members of Homo Demens were also influenced by chiralium. It changed their perception but made them easier to control. They are isolated in their case. Would they still have the same ideology if chiralium didn't destroy their sanity? Would they still follow Higgs?
But who is Higgs without heavy toxins shaping his character? He was so adamant in refusing the cure, as if he were afraid of what the change could lead to. As if he wouldn't stick to Amelie’s plan. As if he were terrified of the idea of living without the dark abyss inside him.
“You don't have to suffer like this,” you said gently. His expression shifted from angry back to distant. You didn't want to fight him over it. After all, it was only his decision. What you wanted was to give him a choice. “I am on your side.”
He nodded before you left him.
“Okay.”