Chapter Text
sangwon didn't know what to do, honest.
anxin, he found, had a habit of kissing people.
and by people... him.
not kissing. not on the lips anyway, just literally everywhere else.
at the practise room that day, when they were lying down like starfishes and he leaned in and kissed sangwon's calf so casually it made sangwon jolt. when he looked up to see why sangwon shook, sangwon could only offer him a weak smile, fingers shaking at his sides, feigning normalcy.
at the snack room, leo was telling them a funny anecdote of their TRAINEE A days (admittedly a sour topic for sangwon, but he's getting over it slowly), and anxin was playing with his hands, and that was fine, sangwon was trying his best to calm his heart to a regular beating pattern.
except, he had to turn it up a notch and kiss sangwon's fingers (leo suffers from the shock reaction of that with a very undeserving kick to his knee under the table), and very casually (again) comment, "pretty hands, hyung," with that fucking dimpled smile of his (sangwon loses an year everytime he directs that smile at him genuinely).
the calf thing was once in a lifetime thing maybe. but the hand kissing wasn't.
after the snack room, sangwon counted three other instances where anxin kissed his hands. or well, his fingers (?). once, his palm. and twice, holding three of his fingers, kissing the pads of it.
sangwon is going insane.
this must be a normal ritual in china, surely.
he considers telling leo, or geonwoo - because the two of them were the ones who had to see him visibly lose himself after anxin kissed him absently, but in the end, he held back.
they're both... they're both bound to wrongly advise him about this.
... that's a simpler way of saying how they would take it if sangwon actually sat them down and told them. about both the kissing bit and the other extremely problematic issue about sangwon falling heavily for said boy.
leo would lose his mind (in a good way). geonwoo would cause up a ruckus (again, in a good way).
he doesn't need that right now.
he's hopeless.
and it's all a bit too maddening.
he just had to come on this show with only the mind to debut as the best of the best, with preserved sanity and a group he could (once again) call a family somewhere along the line but end up falling hopelessly in love, fuck him.
with a boy 3 years younger than him too.
uncalled for. since he had a 'thing' for older guys.
but either way, not the point.
he's doomed.
he's so doomed.
-
honestly though, it should be fine as long as he bites through it until debut. until then, he can keep saying to himself that this was just a fun habit chinese boys, especially one beautiful boy named zhou anxin, adopted.
-
it goes well for about two days.
until, after they've finished filming for their WHIPLASH stage at Mcountdown and going backstage, anxin kisses him on his cheek.
and on his cheek, yes. but slipping downwards and closer, brushing softly at the corner of his lips too.
sangwon doesn't lean away or make any movement to show his surprise, not when he can feel the weight of the cameras behind him.
his heart threatens to beat of his chest, what the fuck.
what the fuck just happened.
did he actually just do that.
in public. in front of everyone.
anxin doesn't take a hint to the way sangwon moves (walking unhealthy still), one arm around his shoulders and conversing with jiahao in mandarin, not aware of the bursting turmoil in sangwon's head.
not normal.
even if it is normal in china, or well to gay (?) boys in china, it isn't normal here.
sangwon should definitely make it awkward and talk to anxin about this. or draw lines now.
... both great options. both options he's never acting on because he's in love with this fucking guy.
he just had to like someone. and of all, he just had to like this gorgeous, possibly oblivious, beautiful mess of a boy too.
" - won. sangwonie?" leo pokes at his forehead and he enters sangwon's vision as though magnified, "are you well, why are you zoning out while walking. anxin had to pull you away, you were going to hit the wall."
sangwon looks around and blinks, "ah, sorry. i was just..." he casts a side glance at anxin and jiahao, rethinking quickly, "thinking about the performance, obviously. just stressed about the mistakes i'll find on myself when i monitor it later."
leo gives him a look.
well, whatever. sorry, he's a bad liar.
"you did great," jiahao says in that calm voice of his, sweet.
"yeah," anxin nods with conviction, "you probably didn't hear it, but the staff just came by and told us the audience were going crazy about it, about you."
please stop talking. i'm losing my mind, i like you so much, please never look at me with those eyes and compliment me ever again. "thanks, anxinie." he shuffles out of anxin's hold, pinching his cheek and sitting down, "you were insane. actually insane."
anxin smiles. and god, stop.
his fucking dimples.
leo hands sangwon a waterbottle, taking the empty seat next to him, "you look like you need it." he shakes his head knowingly, tapping teasingly at sangwon's shin with his pointy boots.
sangwon hums, turning to give leo a warning look. kicks at leo's feet instead. "yep, hungry as hell."
geonwoo whistles.
-
late that night, sangwon is in the practise room, alone and tired, training just to train and full of burning thoughts.
they only have a couple more weeks here anyway.
he should just not confront anxin about it right now. after debut, because he knows both of them will debut - whatever position they end up in - they can talk about it. and if it becomes awkward, then it's only for them to know and not for the cameras to follow.
sangwon feels at the corner of his lips where anxin's kiss had touched, wondering. replaying it in his head, and it plays beautifully.
the ghost of it remains.
anxin actually just kisses him now.
he can't believe it.
maybe he should confess.
wait, no.
no.
that would definitely make it awkward, especially because he knows anxin will let him down slowly.
this is so ridiculous. he's contemplating not confessing or confessing to a person who's been kissing him everywhere for the past week.
what insanity. ?
sangwon lets his head hang back on the wall, laughing.
on another note, anxin is... such a dangerous person. he'd invoked all these feelings in sangwon but remained completely oblivious to it, kissing and touching him Casually (yes, cause it's always casual with this guy), being the cutest and sweetest person ever.
does he know sangwon liked him.
well.
well, no.
sangwon has been careful. not even leo knew until today (leo has known since the third day sangwon knew he liked anxin, he told him).
he sighs.
he wants to say what a mess, except this wasn't much of a mess.
he was just being kissed and left yearning in turns.
it's not like he's unhappy about being kissed anyway. (quite the contrary, anxin's lips felt great on his skin).
not so bad.
(his soul shrivels every passing day.)
he knocks himself down, clinging to the waterbottle.
you're a mess.
-
the next day is as normal as it always is.
anxin had kissed his hand again that morning (fun), geonwoo had pulled him aside to tell him the pros and cons of confessing and building a relationship with a potential bandmate (not fun), leo had been something of a mental/physical support the entire time (fun) and they were returning to practise after their lunch break (not fun).
all is normal.
except.
he's stretching, humming a tune of a lost song under his breath when he sees xinlong, jiahao and anxin walk in, and he pauses in his position, smile rising. then xinlong loudly exclaims in mandarin, anxin laughing before leaning in and kissing jiahao on the cheek.
which.
oh okay.
he loses balance.
okay.
that's... okay.
it sends him reeling.
geonwoo catches his arm before his elbow knocks onto the floor, and sangwon's eyes snap up when he's caught.
geonwoo looks apologetic, his gaze flicking over to only the shoes of the chinese trainees, before returning to sangwon.
sangwon swallows.
okay, it hurts a little now.
admittedly, it hurts...
it hurts a lot now.
-