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I stand in the smothering silence
as Nanae’s name is torn from this world.
I scream until my throat burns
but they all chant the same refrain.
"Don't look, Ruka. Don't look."
How many nights did I watch her spiral
into covert shadows and tremulous smiles,
believing I was the beacon of her light
When I was only tracing my own steps?
They called me a leader.
Why?
I could spell every word in the world
but not the ones she whispered in her nightmares:
Mother. Sorry. Home.
It was my voice that flinched.
My courage that faltered.
I let her drown in whispers,
let her agonize in isolation,
while I tried to mend fences—
lest we crumble. But I failed.
The threads I wove were brittle, the tapestry tattered truculently.
Should I have spoken with more care?
Reached through her walls with gentler hands.
Convinced her she wasn’t alone,
even as the dark swallowed her words.
While they condemned her with logic, facts, affidavits;
A mother’s love and fear are neither clear nor clean.
They stood around us, accusing and judging;
sharpening evidence into blades,
scouring for a culprit, a blackened soul.
She was guilty. I was complicit.
Because I did not lead well.
I was a trembling compass in a storm.
I should’ve lit beacons instead of flickering hopes.
Anchors instead of empty promises.
To Nanae, if this ever reaches you...
If sin is born of desperation,
Let me be its midwife.
If guilt blooms in despair,
Let me be its witness.
I beg for redemption that might never come.
May my tears baptize the weight of this night.
May the harsh reality of your verdict,
echo forever as a reminder:
I failed you.
I let you fall.
I should have loved you harder.
Nanae Ouno, you can go home now.
Go home in my mind.
Go home in memory.
And know
If sin must be borne,
let me carry it with you,
let me bear your burden,
so that in regret,
I might atone.
I see you, Nanae, in every temblor still in the air.
I see you in my reflection, in sorrow’s vacant stare.
I see you in the mirror that no longer holds your shape,
Your shadow clings around me, no distance can escape.
Forgive me, Nanae, as I wear your pain like chains.
Forgive me for letting you spiral through the veins.
Forgive me for being less than I vowed I’d be,
Wherever you wander, let my guilt follow endlessly.
If I could, I’d fold time and bring you home.
Home to the warmth you deserved.
Home to your sister, and maybe I would be there
Together with you.
White.
A mother's love is pure as white.
"—doing my best here, Ninomiya!"
"You already practiced this shit on Ikeda's door! What's taking you so long!?"
"Ninomiya, pressuring her won't do any good. Calm down."
"But Ruka's in there! She's fuckin' alone in there! She hasn't eaten in God knows how long! Fucking hell, how could anyone forget to check on her!?"
"I-I'm sorry.. I was too busy taking care of Ikeda with Doctor.."
"Denden, it's not your fault. Drop it."
"There, got it!"
Kumada finally succeeded with her toolkit, and the four of them stormed in through the door—
Only to be met with a horrifying sight.
There, in her wooden chair, lay a once cheerful girl. Her face was as pale as it could be against the study desk. A sign of extreme malnutrition and sleep deprivation. There was a notebook beside her for some reason. Had she been writing something?
"Fuckfuckfuck!! Ruka!!" Ninomiya sprinted as fast as he could, almost tripped on his way. He grabbed his friend's limp body with shaking hands, praying it was all just a sick dream.
"Quick! Lie her down here." They both moved Yokoi into a recovery position on Hirose's orders.
The group formed a circle around her unconscious self, making sure there was room to breathe. Ninomiya kept shaking her shoulders. Denden kneeled beside her, sobbing as she begged for Yokoi to wake up.
They can't lose another soul. Not after losing two yesterday.
You have to wake up, Ruka.
Why? I don't want to ever wake up.
Because.. you promised to take care of my sister for me.
Really? I promised to do that?
You did, yeah..
But.. I promised not to let any death happen on my watch! I promised I could keep everyone safe! I-I promised.. and I failed again and again! G-God, I can't do anything right!
Ruka.. Are you crying?
Y-Yes! Because it's all my fault!
I'm sorry.. that I made you cry, but.. regret doesn't bring me back.
Huh?
You don't belong here with me.. You have no blood in your hands, right?
Even though I can't rely on you anymore,
The others will keep following your lead,
So keep doing your best, and forget about me.. o-okay?
Thank you for being my friend, Ruka.
“S-She’s breathing!” Hirose’s voice cracked with relief.
"Thank God!"
Her body was frail, and her lips moved faintly, whispering a name only they could not hear.
END.