Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Regret is a strange thing. There were many moments in Bluestar's life where she experienced it. Sometimes in overwhelming, nearly unbearable amounts. The first when her mother, Moonflower, died. Her life snuffed out by the claws of a Windclan warrior turned healer. She remembered that rainy, blood-soaked night and how she had clung to her mother's cooling body, begging for the heavens to bring her back. Thinking that if only she had fought a little harder, moved quicker that maybe, just maybe she could have saved her from her fate. 

That same night she trailed back to camp, pelt drenched and pressed tightly against her sister, Snowpaw; oblivious to what would happen next. Unaware of the layers of grief that lie in wait. 

Following her mother's death came the death of so many others. Her mentor, her sister, her father. Greif surrounded her almost like a second skin. So many lives were lost. And so did a small part of herself. The part that allowed her to fully grieve. To heal the wounds that time seemed to rip open over and over again. She had been bleeding for so long and yet no one could seem to see a single drop.

So, instead, she pushed it down. Buried her feelings in the deepest parts of herself; diving into what she knew best. Becoming one of Thunderclan's greatest warriors. She followed the path the stars had placed before her; loving and losing and loving again, but it was never the same. And then, she encountered a betrayal most fowl. An act so sinister that the darkness that had followed her her entire life finally took hold, and she couldn't seem to find a way out. 

But through it all, through every moment of pain and anguish, there had been a small beacon of light. The tiniest flame that seemed to appear when she least expected it. And now, that very flame personified was in danger of fading from existence entirely. 

Time seemed to slow as Bluestar pelted down the hill towards the ravine, her claws digging into the soil as she propelled herself forward with each bound. Her eyes were wide with fear and her breathing heavy as she desperately tried to reach her deputy. His bright orange fur a beacon as the fearsome creature shook him back and forth in it’s slavering jaws. His yowls and snarls as he struggled to break free shook her down to her bones. 

“No, you cannot use him as prey!” ” she cried as she neared, willing her paws to move even faster. The dog, ignoring her please, continued to shake Fireheart. His mewls and cries of pain growing more desperate by the second.

With a yowl, Bluestar leapt at the dog, digging her claws as deep as she could into it’s side. The dog, surprised, yelped and Fireheart dropped to the ground with a thud. The orange tom scrambled away as quickly as his battered form allowed. 

The beast swung its head back, snapping its jaws and shaking its huge body in an attempt to shake her off, but Bluestar clung on as tight as she could. She had lost so many in Thunderclan - friends, family, and clanmates - but she was determined not to lose anymore. 

The snarling creature bucked and thrashed, snapping its jaws as close as it could. She could feel its fowl, warm breath pummel her face, but Bluestar only dug her claws in deeper. Feeling their sharp points push past the thin fur and break the skin. Dark red beads, accompanied by the familiar, irony scent, pooled around her claws.  

In it’s haste to tear her away, the dog, unaware of the gorges edge, misjudged a step and it’s back leg went over the side. Together, they slipped over the edge. The river, a roaring, raging bed of water rumbling below them. Bluestar leapt from her adversary and managed to catch hold of the rocky ledge. She dangled precariously and a wave of fear coursed through her. Her muscles strained as she tried to keep herself upright, but the dog was just as quick. 

She felt, but didn’t see, the dogs teeth as its jaws wrapped around her back leg. She cried out as pain radiated through her as its thick teeth sunk in. Fireheart, still splayed onto the ground, managed to lift his head and their eyes locked - green meeting blue. His cry of desperation, a paw outstretched as if to save her, was the last thing she remembered  before the dog’s weight dragged her over the edge. 

The cold immediately seeped into her fur and pierced her skin like chips of iced as the two of them plunged into the water. The river thrashed and swirled around her, battering her on all sides. She struggled against the fierce torrent, flailing her limbs and clawing at the water, desperate for some sort of hold, but the river held fast its claim. A large, dark shape swept by, nearly barreling into her. It took her a moment to register it as the very dog that had drug her into the gorge. A panicked looked in it’s beady black eyes mirrored her own. 

The gray molly opened her mouth in a silent scream. Dark water filled her nostrils and throat. She couldn’t breathe. Could barely find the strength to fight. The river overtook her and drug her down, down, down into the neverending black. And, seeing there was no escape, she let it. 

But the sweet release of death did not come. Instead,  Bluestar found herself in the star-kissed lands of her ancestors - a place she had seen eight times before. But the familiar pull as a life was stripped from her being, the sting as she became closer to her last breath, stayed its hand. She rose on shaky paws, her fur now dry and clean, and walked. 

She walked the vast, empty expanse for what seemed like a lifetime. The lush, green trees that usually extended high above her never appeared and the soft grass she had grown accustomed to being under her paws during her visits never showed. All that existed to her was the ever-blinking stars and the deep indigo skies. 

Bluestar.

She halted, one paw hovering above the ground, poised to take a step as a deep mist began to swirl around her. The stars slowly covered until they could barely be seen.

Bluestar. The ethereal voice said again.

“Show yourself,” She commanded, pushing down the fear that had begun to creep along her spine and forcing her fur to lie flat.

You should not be here. Your time has not yet come.

“What do you mean? Where are you?” She stammered, spinning around as the voice, seemingly from everywhere, called again. “Show yourself!” She shouted. Demanded. 

You should not be here, Bluestar. 

Anger began to bubble in her chest. Why would Starclan hide themselves? What had she done to deserve such scorn? Her claws dug themselves into the ground, as if to keep her upright. 

Go home. 

“They are right, my love.” 

Bluestar whipped around, fur fluffed and teeth bared as if to fight some invisible enemy. But what she met stopped her cold. 

Her blue eyes scanned the tom that appeared through the mist, taking in every last detail. The glow of his sleek brown fur. The way the tuft at his crown curled up ever so slightly. The warmth in his yellowed gaze and the small smile on his muzzle. Everything that her mate had been when he had lived. 

“Oakheart,” She uttered breathlessly. “Is that really you?” 

Oakheart didn’t say a word as he padded forward almost agonizingly slow. When he got close enough for her to breath in his scent, she rushed forward, pressing herself close. She breathed deeply, taking in the undertones of the river, fish, and long reeds. It reminded her of the comforting feel of dewy grass after a harsh rain. She sighed, allowing herself to release what felt like a lifetime's worth of pain and sorrow in a single moment. 

They stayed that way for some time, taking each other in. Bluestar wished they could stay like this forever, but she knew it would not last. All too soon Oakheart leaned back, lifting her gaze to his own with the back of his paw. His  eyes swam with sorrow and something else she couldn’t place. 

“They’re right, you know.” And somehow she knew he meant the stars. “It’s not yet your time, Bluestar. You have so much left to do. So many things are still unfinished.” 

“But I want to be here. With you.” She nearly begged, longing to be with him once more.

“I know, my love. I know. But it cannot be so.” 

“Why?” She all but cried. 

Oakheart leaned forward to rasp his tongue over her ear, wrapping a paw around her and pulled her back to lean against him. “You have lived and suffered so much. Seen many awful things. But through it all there were many moments full of wonder and light. But still you do not trust. Having lived through everything you still do not hold faith - in your ancestors or your clan.” 

She once again felt anger burn within her chest. “How can I?” She spat into his fur, ears flattening. “How can I when they’ve turned their backs on me?” 

Oakheart let out a long, slow breath, pulling her even tighter against him. 

“We will see each other again, Bluestar. When you have learned that those closest to you, those that love you, are not to be feared. When you once again let love, full and unbridled, into your heart.” 

“But what if I can’t?” 

“You will, Bluestar.” A purr rumbled in his throat. “You will.” 

Could she let love in again? She wasn’t sure. But if Oakheart could put his trust in her, find faith when she could not, then maybe it was possible. 

Bluestar took in his scent for a final time as her mate’s strong form dwindled before her. The stars, one by one, disappearing behind the mist as the darkness, once again, took hold.

Chapter Text

Bluestar woke to find herself on the pebbly banks of the riverbed. The river had discarded her far away from where the dog had dragged her into the waters, leaving her a bedraggled, soaked lump of fur. Her vision swam when she attempted to open her eyes and she winced at the harsh sunlight. Voices, warbled and foggy, swirled around her as she blinked away the sun and she felt the warmth of another body pressed close to her. It took her a long moment to recognize the strong, oaky scent of her clan intermingled with the fishy scent of Riverclan.

Weak and still reeling from the harrowing ordeal, she lifted her head from where it rested between her paws. Everything felt heavy and sore, and that small movement took almost what little energy she had left. She looked around for her former mate. Her vision was still blurry, but she could make out the forms of cats standing around her. Had he come with her after all?

"Oakheart?" She called, voice shaky and waterlogged.

"Bluestar!" A voice cried, so close she would have jumped if she wasn't so incredibly exhausted.

Bluestar slowly swung her head around and focused on the cat curled tightly around her, warming her chilled bones. It took her a moment longer than normal to recognize the fiery pelt of her deputy. Fireheart peered at her, his bright green eyes swimming with concern and relief.

"Fireheart?"

"Yes, Bluestar. I'm here"

"What happened? How did I get here?" She inwardly cursed how slow and sluggish her speech sounded as she tried to verbalize her thoughts.

Suddenly, a spasm, accompanied by a fit of coughing, overtook her. She hacked and spit as water streamed from her mouth, running down her chin and collecting on the ground around her. Fireheart wrapped himself even more around her, pressing his nose against her shoulder as she shook. When the shaking subsided she turned back to look at him once more.

"You fell." He said after a moment, when she appeared to have collected herself enough. "The dog dragged you into the river. I tried to save you, but the current was so strong I thought -" He paused, eyes roving over her as if he couldn't believe she had survived. She didn't have the strength to tell him she was equally surprised.

"I thought I lost you." Fireheart said finally. Then, a tiny smile. "Luckily I had a little help."

He looked past her then and she followed his gaze. What she saw nearly made her heart stop. Two familiar blue-gray cats stood with wary expressions only a few pawsteps away.

"My kits." She whispered. An overwhelming sense of shame and grief struck her. So strong she had to sink her claws into the wet ground to keep herself upright. "My precious kits."

She took them in. Mistyfoot. Her daughter that looked so much like her from nose to tail-tip. And Stonefur. The spitting image of Oakheart save for his fur. They looked nothing like the small, helpless kits that traipsed through the snowy forest all those moons ago. But then again, she too had changed so much since that life changing moment.

The two Riverclan warriors shared a look between them. Something unreadable that made Bluestar tense. She had imagined this day. The day when she would be reunited with her children. But it had never looked quite like this. She had imagined herself appearing much more put together. Not the drowned rat she could only assume she looked like.

Bluestar opened her mouth to say something more. Anything. But even if she hadn't just been jumbled and thrashed by the river, no words would have formed. For the first time in a long time, she didn't know what to say. What could she say?

“You saved me.” She said matter-of-factly after what felt like a moon.

Another long stretch of silence passed between them, until Mistyfoot took a slow step towards her. Stonefur remained seemingly rooted to his spot.

“Yes, we did.” She replied.

“Why?”

“Becuase its what any good warrior would do.”

Bluestar couldn’t help the hurt that flashed across her face. For the briefest of moments she had hoped that perhaps her kits would have claimed some sense of familial ties, but now she knew that was a foolish hope. One brought on by her addled senses. There wouldn’t be any reason for them to. Not now. Not after everything that had happened.

“I would expect nothing less from Oakheart’s kits.” She conceded. More to herself than to her children. “You remind of him in that way. He always did have a strong sense of duty. Clan borders didn’t stop him from doing the right thing.”

Stonefur scoffed. “It didn’t keep him from doing the wrong thing either.”

Blustar recoiled as if struck. Stonefur’s biting words doing more damage than the river did. But she held her tongue. After everything she supposed she deserved that at least.

She hadn’t been there for her kits. Not then and certainly not now. She had watched them from afar, only learning about them through snippets of conversation at gatherings and in moments when Oakheart risked everything to speak with her. When they had become apprentices she could only offer gratitudes commonly expressed by leaders and the same when they had become warriors. Only she had known the sheer agony that coursed through her each time. The desperate longing to nuzzle the tops of their heads or to share in both the highs and lows. And the pain that came from watching another molly love her children in the way she had always dreamed of.

But she had a duty to uphold. A path Starclan had presented before her with no other option but to move forward one pawstep at a time. A mate and kits didn’t fit into the equation, no matter how she figured it. But, she supposed, she could take comfort in the fact her kits had grown up with a loving family and a clan that loved and protected them as if they were full-blooded river cats.

“Oakheart and I never meant for this to happen.” She said, looking at both of her kits in turn. Mistyfoot’s cold blue eyes and Stonefur’s narrowed yellowed ones. “We never imagined what the future held for us - for you. But know that I’ve loved you since the moment you came into this world. And while I may not have been a part of your lives, I’m so thankful I got to watch you become the proud warriors you are today.”

She watched as both her children regarded her with something like contempt. But beneath it she could see a stormcloud of emotions raging within them. She knew because she had her own storm to contend with. But she pushed it down with everything she had. Her own emotions could wait.

“It broke my heart to send you away. To leave your father and see you grow up in another clan. But he promised me Graypool would be a good mother to you.”

“She was,” Stonefur meowed tersely.

“I know.” She said simply. “And I know she and Oakheart both gave you what I never could. I cannot ask you to forgive me, but know if I could have made a different choice, you would have become proud warriors of Thunderclan. But it was simply not to be.”

Fireheart (she had momentarily forgotten he was there) shifted beside her and made to stand, the warmth of his fur immediately noticed.

“She suffered a lot of pain for her choices. Please forgive her.” He pleaded.

“No, Fireheart.” Ever the dutiful apprentice, of course he would come to her aid. But this wasn’t something she wanted anyone - least of all him - to fix. It wouldn’t mean anything if their forgiveness was dragged from them. “This isn’t your burden to bear. This is something that I need to do alone.”

Fireheart hesitated a moment before stepping back to sit back at her side, his fur brushing against hers in a comforting gesture.

“This is all so sudden.” Mistyfoot said slowly, looking between her and Stonefur. “I think I speak for both of us when I say we need time to think. This is a lot to take in.”

Bluestar dipped her head. “I understand. Stonefur?” She turned to her son, wanting to hear the same from his own mouth.

He worked his jaw as if wanting to say something more, but what came out was as gruff, “I agree with Mistyfoot.”

“I can accept that. I don’t expect things to change in one day, or even one moon. But for as long as I am in Thunderclan, you can always ask meet with me if you have any questions or if you just want to talk.”

The only response to her offer was noncommittal mumble and a twitch of an ear. It was clear both Mistyfoot and Stonefur were uncomfortable with the offer, or, at the very least, were unsure what to say. Bluestar glanced between the two of them, trying very hard to not let herself feel defeated.

“We should probably return to our clan.” Mistyfoot said, breaking the awkward tension. “Fireheart, will you be able to manage getting back to your camp?”

“I believe so. Bluestar? Do you think you can make it back? We are a long ways from camp.”

“Yes, I can manage.” She said, not even remotely believing that she could. But she didn’t want to make her kits feel as though they needed to stay any longer, despite every bone in her body screaming at her otherwise.

“Then we will part ways. I imagine our clanmates will be looking for us soon, and I’d rather not explain all of this to them. At least not yet.”

Mistyfoot nodded at both of them before gesturing with her tail for Stonefur to follow her lead. The two siblings bounded away and Bluestar followed with her gaze until they disappeared over the crest and into the trees as they made their way back to their own territory. A place that somehow seemed miles and miles away.

Thank you for saving me. She thought to herself, trying not to feel as though this was the last time they would ever be so close. Perhaps Oakheart should have let her stay in Starclan afterall. At least then she wouldn’t feel as though her heart were breaking in two all over again.

She lay there on the pebbly shore for a while, Fireheart waiting patiently beside her as she wrestled with her thoughts and tried to regain any semblance of strength for the journey back to camp. It had taken what little she had left to face her kits, but if she were to have any hopes of recovering, she would need to push through just a little more. Even if it took long into the night.

“Are you ready Bluestar?” The ginger tom asked, as if he had heard her thoughts aloud. It always surprised her how intuitive he could be; especially in times like this.

“Yes,” She said, with a small sigh. “I’m ready. It’s time we returned home.”

She pushed herself to her paws, Fireheart doing his best to aid her, and they began their own trek back to their own camp. As they left the pebbly shore, Bluestar had a sinking feeling that this was only the beginning of a long and tiring journey ahead. She only hoped she would be ready to face whatever came next.

Her inner voice whispered, You don’t have a choice.