Chapter Text
I like the universe
but she messes with my words
I'm not talking planets or galaxies
and the distance just makes it worse
The distance, being the fact that Tobin is on the other side of the room, laughing at something with Lauren, and Alex is here, with none but Kelley for company.
Not that she's complaining. Kelley's great company.
It's just that both of them (it hasn't been said aloud but Alex knows Kelley feels it too) are harbouring unrequited, unspeakable feelings for someone whom they cannot possibly have feelings for.
It's messing with her head.
She would blame it for messing with her speech as well, but she knows that's just the alcohol.
The whole team from the olympics is reunited for the first time in a long time, at a new years eve party in the house Alex shares with Kelley and Tobin. Midnight is fast approaching, but so is unconsciousness for some of the players, judging by the empty bottles of alcohol strewn across the room. Some people, it appears, can't even wait until midnight and Alex feels a tug in her stomach (she can't tell if it's pleasant or painful) when she sees Ashlyn holding Ali to the wall, bodies pressed together, connected at every point, including their lips.
She feels like she's intruding, so she forces herself to look away.
And it just so happens that when she looks away, Tobin looks right at her. There goes any clarity of mind she had before. The eye contact is brief and Tobin flashes her a smile that throws her off completely, before turning her attention back to Lauren.
When she does, Alex turns her attention back to Kelley. Or she would, if Kelley was still by her side.
Or even if Kelley was still in the room, which she isn't. And neither is Hope.
~
Hope had gone outside for air, Kelley assumes, as she waits a full minute (if her drunken brain can count that high) before following her.
She finds her sitting on the front porch, beer bottle in hand, and sits next to her, leaving a full metre between them.
"Hey."
"Hey, Kelley. The stars are pretty tonight." There's a slight slur to Hope's words and Kelley knows she's drunk.
You're pretty tonight too. You're pretty every night, is what she really wants to say, but instead she settles for a feeble "mm-hmm"
They sit like that for a while, too much space in between them, staring upwards at the sky, until Kelley feels Hope's eyes on her.
"Why are you so far away?" Kelley scoots closer, but just barely. There's still enough room for a small body who didn't mind invading personal space in between them. "I didn't mean like that. You've been in you own world all night."
"Sorry I just- I guess that's what alcohol does to you."
"Is it?" Hope's the one moving now, coming to Kelley, until their knees are touching and they're sharing the same air. Their faces are inches apart and even in the depths of Kelley's drunken mind, she knows what's about to happen.
Or what would have happened if Lauren and Tobin hadn't appeared at that exact moment with a cry of, "You're going to miss the countdown!"
~
It's somewhat of a tradition that every year when this team is together for new years, when the clock strikes midnight, you grab the closest lady and give her a kiss. So naturally, when the countdown starts Alex looks around for Tobin. By the time it's reached three she finds her, wrapped up in Laurens arms with Hope and Kelley close behind.
Alex ends up kissing Abby, which is fine, a quick peck on the lips and it's over, and she can watch everyone else.
Ashlyn and Ali are still in position and Alex doesn't think they've actually stopped for a break for at least twenty minutes.
(She can't fault them though. If she was allowed to kiss the woman she wanted to kiss, she wouldn't be able to stop either)
Neither would Kelley, apparently, who has somehow managed to end up with Hope (Hope, who avoids this time every year and rarely participates in the new years kiss. Hope, who's been divorced for six months without dating anybody.) Hope who right now has a hand in Kelley's hair and one on her waist and is showing no sign of stopping anytime soon.
It makes Alex smile, because Kelley confessed to her late one night several months back, that she thought she might love Hope. It was the night that Alex told Kelley about Tobin. It was the night they became each others safety nets.
But then there's Tobin. Tobin who still hasn't come up for air from kissing Lauren. It sickens Alex to the point where she thinks she might see her drink again, so she pushes past Kelley and Hope to get to the bathroom.
She's on the floor by the toilet when there's a gentle knock on the door. Alex doesn't turn round, for fear the contents of her stomach might still flow over, but Kelley's face appears at her side as she rubs one hand across her back.
"You okay?" There's more to the question than a simple yes or no answer. Kelley knows Alex saw Tobin and Lauren.
"Are they still?"
"Yeah."
"Then no. I'm not alright."
The nauseating feeling has passed so Alex leans back against the wall of the bathroom and does something she hasn't done in a long time. She cries over Tobin.
She cries for more than just Tobin, though. She cries happiness that Hope returned Kelleys feelings, and gratefulness that Kelley's holding her close right now and rocking her gently when she could be somewhere else making out with the love of her life. It reminds her just how great Kelley is, and just how lucky she is to have her.
~
Kelley's still sitting there some time later, cradling a sobbing Alex on the floor of the bathroom, when the handle is rattled, accompanied by a loud banging on the door.
Kelley hears Ali's voice, "Hurry up! Some of us need in there!" followed by the sound of Ashlyn's laughter.
She feels Alex chuckle despite herself, because they both know that neither Ali nor Ashlyn actually need the toilet.
"You want to go to bed?" Kelley asks quietly, "I'll tell everyone you're not feeling well."
"No, I'm okay. I'll be fine."
A few minutes later they're greeted by the faces of Ali and Ashlyn (neither of whom spare a second thought for Alex's tear stained face as they rush into the bathroom and lock the door within seconds.)
(There's the unmistakeable thump of a body being pushed up against the door, and it's clear exactly what's happening.)
Hope's standing there too, Kelley notices, and it makes her smile just a little bit.
"You alright, Alex?" All she gets in a barely there nod.
"She'll be fine. Couldn't handle her drinks, this one." Kelley's feeble attempt at a joke gets the desired result, and Alex laughs.
"You know I can go just as hard as you, O'Hara."
She seems okay now, but Kelley knows just how well Alex ca fake it sometimes, so she almost turns down Hope's offer of, "Let's go get some air," just to look after her.
"I'll be fine, Kelley, go on."
So she goes.
~
Alex makes her way back to the table that's currently acting as their bar, and pretends she doesn't see Tobin curled up in Lauren's lap.
As she pours herself another drink, she hears Amy behind her.
"What are you drinking for?"
The alcohol has made her too confident, too open. "To stop being in love."
She downs her drink in one, and as the blood rushes faster through her body, as she feels the pain slip away, just a little bit, she swears she hears "same," and almost chokes.
She'd always figured Amy was happy with her love life.
She guesses Amy must be as good at pretending as she is.