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For the past hour, Bellamy has been looking for Clarke. Abby hadn't seen her since she was dismissed from the med bay two hours ago and everyone else he's talked to has only seen her in passing. It's reasonable to say he's worried. The last place he has to check is Raven's quarters, which he should have gone to first.
Raven shouts for him to 'come in or quit hovering.' Stepping inside, Bellamy hears the water running in the adjacent bathroom and looks to Raven.
"Clarke's been with me for the past hour. Don't get your panties in a wad," Raven smirks before she softens at seeing how tense he's gotten. "She's taking a shower now, she should be out soon. What did you need her for?"
He shifts his weight on his feet as Raven stares him down,"I needed to go over some things with her. With the reactors out of the equation for a few months already there's a lot that the council needs for us to go over." Raven nods and he continues, "Why was she with you?"
"Because I'm a fucking delight, that's why," she replies, "that and she came to me because she wanted a haircut, which she's needed for about five months I think."
Bellamy can't help the small smile that tugs at his lips. He had told Clarke as much about a week ago when they were at the bar together amongst their friends celebrating. At his comment, she had gone quiet for a moment. He doesn't remember exactly what it was that he said. His attention had been slipping between their friends' merriment and the red flush that was spreading over Clarke's cheeks and neck as she drank and observed, but he thinks it may have been something like 'we're home now, you don't have to play grounder anymore,' which wasn't his best choice of words.
But the fact is they are home. They weren't completely safe, they never would be, but the world didn't look like it was going to end anytime soon, so now they could try to start living and not just survive. Bellamy knew Clarke was not going to up and leave again, but he could tell she was still anxious and attempting to find her place in the community. She had gotten rid of the heavy grounder outerwear she had been wearing since they started working to take down ALIE, but she still wore the black shirt and unreasonable boots most of the time saying that what she had was fine and others needed the other clothes more.
The water shuts off and Clarke calls from the other side of the door with a lightness to her voice, "Remind me to thank Monty later for figuring out that shampoo formula. I haven't felt this clean since before we landed!"
"It still took you a week to listen to me about the thorough shower and the haircut."
"And the clothes. Believe me, you're not the first person to comment on my hair recently," she huffs.
Bellamy smiles at their banter because for once they sound like the people they should have the chance to be: happy, teenage girls. He's noticed that everyone seems to be smiling more freely nowadays. They're healing. He sits down on Raven's bed and leans back against the headboard to listen to them. It's another ten minutes before Raven is telling Clarke to hurry up and get out of the bathroom so she can see her handiwork.
Clarke steps out and Bellamy's jaw goes the smallest bit slack. The first thing he notices is how much shorter and cleaner her hair is. A good six inches have been taken off so that it ends right below her shoulders, there are no more beads or braids, and the texture looks soft and silky. Then he notices her clothes: a loose, tan Henley with a low neckline and black jeans with patches on the sides. She looks like the girl he met when they landed except she looks more relaxed, happy, and has many more scars.
"The beautiful Princess returns," Bellamy says softly. He sees Raven cast a small smile in his direction out of the corner of his eye with the addition of 'beautiful'.
Clarke jumps a bit at his voice, not noticing he was there until he spoke up. A blush blooms on her cheeks and she looks down at her bare feet and examines her clothes.
"Well you certainly look a lot more at home," Raven's smile grows and that gets a laugh from Clarke as she moves from the doorway.
"And I have you to thank you for that," the girls hug. "I should have let you do that when we got back from Polis. Better late than never I guess."
Bellamy stands up and moves to the door. Clarke lets her hold on Raven go and looks to him,"Did you need me for something, Bellamy?"
"The council wanted me to talk to you about setting up trade negotiations with some of the grounder villages we haven't had much interaction with. They figured you'd have a better idea navigating around them since you were out there for awhile ."
Clarke nods with a serious look and turns to Raven as she heads to the door, "I'll see you at dinner. We can talk about the additions to the solar filtration system then."
Raven gives Clarke a mock salute and shoots a knowing look at Bellamy. The two of them escape the cold interior of the Ark's remains and walk into the forest behind the main complex. There's a river that runs about two miles deep into the woods and their walk is almost silent, save for the birds singing and the bustle of camp that fades as they get further away. When the latter has vanished completely Bellamy takes the opportunity to wrap his arm around Clarke's shoulders. She reaches up to fit her fingers between his and presses herself closer to his side.
Ever since ALIE and the City of Light had been taken down the two of them started learning how to be friends with each other. Not that they weren't friends before then, but they had started their relationship because they were constantly fighting for their lives. Now that they were in a time of peace, with no imminent threat coming for them in the foreseeable future, they were able to get closer than they had been before. They acknowledge that there is something bigger between them, but they haven't made a push for it, not yet.
One thing that both of them welcomed was how much more tactile they had gotten with each other. Clarke knew that Bellamy had been that way since she met him at the Dropship, but this feels different. He does things like wrapping his arm around her shoulders, in meetings he gently squeezes her knee and leaves his hand there because it calms her down, and sometimes he rests his hand on her hip or waist when he would check in on her in the med bay. Clarke reaches for his hand whenever she gets a little ahead of him while they're walking or she notices the thousand yard stare come over his eyes, around the campfire she would always end up curling into him, and there were many more hugs given with no reason needed, no impending goodbyes they just wanted to.
By the time they reach the bank of the river the August sun is high in the sky and Clarke feels like she could doze off at any moment. They sit at the base of a tree by the shore that they've taken to over the past few months with Bellamy's arm still around her. He rests his head on the tree and they sit in silence for a few minutes before Clarke speaks up.
"We're not here to discuss what happened in the last meeting," she says. It's not a question.
He rolls his head to the side and cracks his eyes open to look at her. He doesn't reply immediately because he's admiring how she seems to glow in the sun now that her face and hair have been scrubbed of any dirt. "We do need to go over that at some point, but it can wait. I wanted to see how you were doing. Last time I checked it didn't seem like you felt any more comfortable here than you did at Polis from what I could tell."
"I'm...getting better. I'm just not used to peace. It's an adjustment, not having to constantly worry about who's coming after us."
He gets it, lets her know that by squeezing her fingers for good measure. It was weird for both of them because they had been on the ground for a few days when they had become the leaders of a group of underage 'criminals' and had been fighting for their lives on their own for a month. There was the mountain, and then Clarke left. She came back and they had to work together with the handful of people left to save everyone. And then there was ALIE and the nuclear reactors.
They had gotten so used to the idea of being resolved that death was around the corner that they didn't know how to live, only survive. Most of their people that were left didn't know either, but it hung heavily between Bellamy and Clarke.
"This goddamn planet is out to get us," he rolls his eyes.
She hums in agreement and turns herself into his chest. His fingers play with her hair and his mind drifts to how things have changed in the past few months. For the camp: they were planning to expand the physical borders of Arkadia, establish more land for agricultural purposes, continue construction of cabins that were farther away from the remnants of the station. But for them personally? The best way to put it is that they've been a work in progress.
There was a shift in Clarke's behavior towards him after defeating ALIE in Polis. He knows that ALIE had used her mom to try and get her to break and give them the passphrase, and Abby had let it slip to him that she had ordered for her friends to be tortured first. Bellamy had thought about that bit of information he had gotten about three months ago when he was in bed that night and it occurred to him that they had ordered for him to be brought up first. Bellamy was their first choice to try to get Clarke to break, and they would have gone for the most effective and time efficient method to get her to confess. Him, before her own mother. He didn't push her with questions after he connected the dots because they still had to try and save as much of the world as possible at the time. But now they aren't fighting and struggling anymore. They are able to sit in the shade of a tree and listen to the river rush by under the summer sun.
"Bellamy, do you think we'll be able to make it here?"
Her question surprises him.
"Here Arkadia, or here Earth?"
"Arkadia here."
"Why wouldn't we?"
"I just feel like we would never get a chance to actually start over, and we need that. Not all of us, most of the adults are alright here, but the rest of the delinquents, you, Raven, and the others we've managed to pick up."
"Why would we need to start over?" he doesn't mean to sound defensive but it comes out that way. She looks at him and he can tell what she's thinking. When she asked initially he was already on the same wavelength as her. Because this place is full of ghosts. Because we can still see the mountain from here. Because the dirt beneath our feet is made of the blood and ashes of our friends and enemies. Because our life down here was not supposed to be lived out in the cold shell of the past. Because, because, because...
"Where would we even go, Clarke? And that's assuming that the rest of the council would even sanction an exodus."
Clarke pushes the hair out of his eyes so that she can see them properly. Her gaze is soft and hopeful if he dares to call it that. It's been so long since he's seen it in broad, sober daylight.
"I was thinking somewhere near the coast. I don't mean right now, we need to learn how to live down here for a few years first and learn more. What crops grow best, villages we can negotiate trades with, how to make medicine, how to build better buildings and shelters, right? But we'd be able to establish a community of our own, get out from the Ark's shadow and history," she continues and Bellamy's trepidation to the idea of starting over fades as he sees how excited she's getting. He hasn't ever seen her this excited before. The prospect of a better future is one to revel in. She pauses when she finally notices the grin on his face.
"What?
"I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before is all."
"We get the chance to be happy now, Bellamy. Every day down here is a struggle to survive, and after all we have done together it doesn't seem like justice, but we've been waiting to live for our entire lives and now we get to," she explains as she returns to sit back against the tree and sighs. "This time last year I had barely seen or spoken to another person for almost a year, and if we hadn't been sent to the ground when we did I would have been floated within the month. I don't want to waste this chance."
Bellamy's hold on her gets tighter at the mention of her being floated. He thinks of his mom's execution, of Clarke being pressed to the door while Emerson has a gun pressed to her head as he loses consciousness and Octavia gasps for air beside him. Ice cold dread begins to creep into his chest. Clarke notices it almost as soon as it starts. She quickly rearranges herself so that she's on her knees with her hands hovering over him. Bellamy is looking right through her. They've been through panic attacks like these enough that there's a plan for when they occur. He barely registers her asking him if he's having a flashback and if it's ok to touch him, but he must affirm it because Bellamy feels her take his hands. She keeps one held in her own, and the other spread at the base of her throat so he can try and follow the deep breaths he feels her taking.
Clarke talks to him through the episode. Her voice is soft and reassuring. Bellamy registers Clarke is cradling his face in her hands when he comes back, that she is in fact right in front of him, and he only imagined having to watch Clarke be floated and Emerson pulling the trigger before leaving them to suffocate. Even on the Ark all she had wanted to do was help and she would have been killed for it. He grounds himself by running his hands over her. He starts at her hands on his face and runs them over her bare arms, her shoulders, up her neck, through her hair. He doesn't hear himself murmuring "'they're okay, she's alive, you're okay" the entire time. Clarke sits back on her heels so that the two of them are at eye level. His heart is still racing and he feels the breeze cool the sweat that had formed on his brow. Bellamy's hands still when they get to her waist and he exhales a long and slow breath before they wrap around her and pull her flush to his chest. He buries his face in the crook of her neck and breathes her in. She hugs him around his shoulders and does the same. She swings her leg over his and sits in his lap so that they just fall into each other.
Most of the time they put the 'what if's in the back of their minds, but they surfaced now and again. He doesn't know how to imagine a life where he's able to keep going and not lose himself without knowing Clarke is with him somehow, at least alive. He thinks he could after a very long time, but he doesn't want to. She is alive and so is he, and as much as he still thinks he doesn't deserve it, that doesn't mean he's going to throw it away now that he's been given the chance.
They stay like that for what feels like hours. Clarke breaks the silence, her voice is barely above a whisper, "Bellamy, are you back with me?"
He nods against her neck and croaks, "Yeah, I'm back."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that last part."
"It's not your fault, it happens," he hums at the sensation of her fingers carding through his hair and lifts his head. "You want to keep talking about our future?"
"Our future," she smiles, "I like the sound of that."
"Why's that?"
She takes a deep breath, "Bellamy, of all the good things that have happened to me, I need you to know that best thing down here has been having you in my life. I can't see my own future without you by my side. And maybe that's selfish but-"
"No," he stops her, "Clarke, it's not. Whatever future we have ahead of us, We will go through it together. Maybe it'll be in peace if not then so be it. We need each other, and we have each other. That's more than I thought I could ever ask for let alone be given."
He feels her shoulders relax under his palm and her eyes shine.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is you're pretty damn important to me too, if not the most important if you haven't already figured it out."
Clarke takes a shuddering breath and laughs. It is airy and drifts away in the breeze, but the effect it has on him is the same. That she was still able to release, let alone contain, so much joy makes her cover her mouth in surprise. Bellamy feels the last remnants of his episode ebb away from his mind and focuses on the beautiful soul sitting in his lap, gazing at him with more affection, trust, faith, and love than he thought possible. He presses his forehead to her temple and it seems to solidify the connection they just made and puts them in their own, little, happy bubble.
He presses his lips to her cheek without forethought and she puts the smallest amount of distance between them. He's not afraid that he's overstepped some important boundary he doesn't know of, they've hidden nothing in that regard. Her eyes are still filled with warmth when they glance at his lips and back up to his eyes. I want this if you want it too, I'm ready. All she needs from him is the smallest nod for her hands to cup his jaw like he's the most precious thing in the world to dip down and softly collide with him.
It is slow and sweet, so different from what either of them ever thought it would be like. They had each thought that if it ever did happen it would be in one of the moments right before they were certain they were going to die in the near future. They had expected clashing teeth and eager hands. The reality is much better. It's hands roaming over each other as far as they can reach, tantalizingly slow and deliberate. It's Bellamy tasting the sweet and earthy aroma of the caffeinated tea Clarke loves to drink in the morning. The pleasing sound of Bellamy's low chuckle when quiet gasps escaped her. And Clarke feeling the rough texture of his stubble scraping the pads of her fingertips. Bellamy learns that Clarke appreciates it when he pulls away every so slightly and makes her chase his lips. Vice versa Clarke and Bellamy dissolve into a fit of quiet laughter when the result of Clarke dragging her nails down his torso elicited a growl from deep in his chest that startles them both. This is beyond what he ever thought he deserved or would ever get.
Time passed, how much they don't care, not right now. Clarke nudges his nose with her's, not wanting to separate too much. She pouts when he pulls back further and starts to brush the hair that keeps falling into her eyes behind her ear. It fades when she sees the sheer awe and love the overcomes him as he examines her face, as well as the deep flush that covers his cheeks and has spread down his neck. She's almost one hundred percent certain that her face is a mirror to his.
"You okay?"
She drops a kiss at the corner of his mouth, "Never better. I feel like I'm home if that tells you anything."
He doesn't respond with words. Instead, he leans up, cups the back of her head, and leaves a lingering kiss in the space between her eyes.