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What should have been the happiest day of Iroha's life turned very sour in hindsight. 

There she was, a small village girl, striking it big in the form of Spring village's hero spilling her lovely guts before her. Kaguya’s hands had still been scratched up from tending to the crops in spite of all the villagers more than happy to do it for her. Her face had been flushed red as she blurted those words Iroha had longed to hear possibly even from the day they first met.

Those scratched hands should have been a sign. She hadn't taken the burden for the sake of easing the villagers’ workloads but rather to avoid cutting into her ridiculously large budget. That budget which soon became the bane of her existence. 

One day was all Iroha asked for to gather her thoughts and Kaguya returned to the Summer village and her mission to save Azuma, leaving her with a sweet smile that had sent her heart racing and her inner voice spiralling in the form of a fangirlish shriek. 

Her hero had chosen her. In a village where the other eligible folk were a buxom goddess, a handsome swordsman and two travellers with such exciting lives, Kaguya had chosen Iroha.

Or so she had thought. 

Spring passed by in a blur, dates turning into arguments and arguments turning into dates. Every day Iroha eagerly awaited Kaguya’s return, hanging onto her hands and the tales of her adventures saving the other villages. She had saved the winter god by the time Iroha started pondering.

Of course, she had no frame of reference for relationships to gauge how fast or slow one should naturally proceed. However, the mixed messages were almost amusing. Sharing dreams, talk of the future, yet Kaguya had never taken her lips in a sweet kiss. Resting together (non-sexually) was of course fine even back when they had been friends, but kissing was the highest act of a non-married couple. For some reason. 

Was she supposed to hint at it? Was she supposed to take initiative?

However, her fairy tale romance started to crack when she found Kaguya strolling through Spring Village with a former enemy. 

With how often people travelled between villages, she had soon heard rumours about Ikaruga. A polite yet reserved onmyoji from Azuma's capital who had ears like an elf yet no explanation. The ‘polite’ part was debatable however as she recalled their first encounter. Apparently he took his job extremely seriously. That was second place to the smile on his face that felt devastating once she realised the reason why. Kaguya was holding his hand. 

“H-Hey, Kaguya!” She tried to sound as cheerful as possible as she ran into their line of sight, as though the very act would lower her blood pressure. Kaguya grinned back at her with the innocence of a completely non-scandalous woman as her free hand waved. 

“Hi Iroha! How's work been?” 

“It’s been quiet,” she mumbled, bowing in mock respect to avert Ikaruga's curious eyes. That obliviousness in his expression wasn't faux, but somehow that only increased the ache in her chest. “D-Didn’t we just fight this guy? You’re not friends already, are ya?”

Kaguya took her ‘out’ smooth as silk, a hum to her words that almost convinced Iroha this was just a friendly act. “ That’s right! Ikaruga has just settled into Winter Village. I'm giving him a tour of the Spring Village then it's off to Summer.” Iroha took one look at Ikaruga's outfit and clamped her mouth shut before she could giggle rather impolitely.  He would not survive Summer Village. “Ikaruga, you remember Iroha, right? She runs the teahouse here.”

“Nice to properly meet you, Ikaruga.” Iroha dared to raise her head, locking his gaze and slapping on a smug expression she wanted to believe. “I'm the dango expert around here. And Kaguya’s girlfriend.” 

How petty she felt to bring it up but she was rewarded by a hint of alert in his almost-stoic face before he nodded. That previous smile would not be missed. “It's a pleasure to formally meet you, Iroha. If you are a dango expert, I may have to test that for myself.” 

She clasped her hands together. “I hope to see you around then! I’m back off to work.”

Hopefully this was just a horrible misunderstanding. Maybe at the very least, she could gain a new customer…? 

Summer slowly rolled around, her days occupied by thoughts of dango and questions of loyalty as she carried out her work. At the very least Kaguya hadn’t abandoned her, greeting her every day with a smile she wasn’t quite sure belonged to her anymore and dates she couldn’t help but worry through.

True to his word, Ikaruga had visited her teahouse, becoming a regular even to her own surprise. It gave her the opportunity to at least try to alleviate her own fears, getting to know him (in a strictly business way) and evaluating her current situation in turn. His eyes seemed to sparkle a bit whenever she brought up Kaguya but she wasn’t sure if he was just that taken with the dango he was ripping into. That and he seemed to refuse to call Kaguya by name, referring to her simply as ‘Earth Dancer’. Maybe she was getting the wrong idea after all.

“Your work must pay a lot if you’re able to come here every day,” Iroha murmured as she watched him chow down. As long as she was there, he couldn’t get any stupid ideas about her girlfriend. 

“Believe me, I’m restraining myself,” he responded after swallowing, cheeks a tint red at the admission. “The Capital doesn’t pay me to over-indulge.” 

It didn’t pay him to butt into people’s love lives either. She chomped back the bitterness however, instead smiling and tapping the menu. “I’ve actually just invented a new flavour.” His eyes snapped onto her. “So why don’t you over-indulge a little?”

“Maybe just this once,” he mumbled and her grin widened. Maybe if he dared to step out of line, she could simply bankrupt him. 

Anxiety returned when Kaguya made her daily visit, radiating like the sun itself as she greeted them. “Iro-honey, Ikaruga, good morning.” 

Ikaruga glanced at Iroha with a raised brow and she blushed, ducking her head. She forgot Kaguya had given her a new nickname since they were last in the public eye. “G-Good morning, Dear!” Thank the gods of Azuma that her own pet name for Kaguya was far less embarrassing. “What are you up to, today?”

“I’m getting some quests done today, I’ll be heading out to the Autumn Fields later if you two want to come!” She slapped her fist against her palm as she smirked. “I got a request to take out some oni.” 

“Sounds good to me,” Iroha chimed, though her stomach unsettled. The frontline used to consist of herself, Ulalaka and Hina. However, Ulalaka had been sent to the reserves with Ikaruga’s arrival while Hina had left the party entirely. 

She gulped. No, she was Kaguya’s girlfriend. She wasn’t that replaceable. 

“I won’t let you down.” Iroha couldn’t help but roll her eyes while Ikaruga wasn’t looking. His tone carried the strange indication of a man still trying to prove himself, however the phantom pain as she remembered their first encounter had her shuddering. It hadn’t gone easily, and she had been rendered unconscious for a good chunk of it. Surely with such a terrible first impression she was just paranoid.

“Great! Oh by the way, I’ve got the grilled fish you were asking for!” Iroha’s blood pressure shouldn’t have shot up when Kaguya handed Ikaruga a wrapped bundle. She did quests for villagers all the time, it was no biggie. 

It was the way he wasn’t quite able to hide his red face as he thanked her and gave her an orange tree sapling that slowly pissed Iroha off. 

She was overthinking this. Nothing was going on. This damn mystic was just uselessly pining for her partner.

Then the next day when she visited Winter Village, she caught them kissing by the dragon shrine. 

Iroha was third-wheeling her own girlfriend.

Ulalaka found Iroha drunk that night at Yachiyo’s Izakaya, her face flushed by the alcohol and anger. 

“There you are! I was surprised to hear you closed the teahouse early today,” Ulalaka hummed as she settled next to her. Iroha had been frankly surprised not to find her here earlier, drinking an amount of sake that would kill a human being. 

“Sorry if you wanted some dango, I was just really not in the mood,” she murmured pathetically, glaring at her blurred cup of sake. “I made the mistake of going out today.”

Ulalaka cocked her head to the side, her smile fading. “Whatever happened, Iroha?” 

Iroha couldn’t point directly to the Winter Village so she tried to point to Autumn Village’s exit. Her disoriented aim was way off, however, and Ulalaka found herself staring at the God Shrine. “Kaguya found a new boy-toy without telling me.”

Ulalaka narrowed her eyes as she continued to stare at the God Shrine. “You mean Kurama?”

Iroha readjusted her aim as she snapped, “No, that bloody new bastard from Winter Village! I caught her with her tongue down his throat! Ikaruga knows we’re dating, that cu-”

Ulalaka covered her mouth before she could say anything she could regret in public, hushing her. “Wait, you didn’t know?” 

Iroha glared at her, unsteady as she downed the rest of her sake and slammed the cup down. “What do you mean, ‘didn’t know’? I wasn’t expecting my girlfriend to cheat so openly!” 

“Oh.” Ulalaka shuffled in her seat. “I thought you were okay with that.” 

Iroha stared at her, grimacing. “No, I’m not okay with her courting some strange man who knocked me out twice. What made you think I would be?”

Ulalaka averted her gaze, nervously giggling. “Well, ah… He’s not the only one.”

“Wha-” 

“I’ve been dating her for two weeks at this point. Cuilang for one. Matsuri is preparing her confession too.” 

Iroha’s jaw dropped. “Wait, how long has she been dating-”

“Two days.” 

“And she’s already kissed him?!”

“That surprises me too, maybe she was saving it for him.” 

Iroha brought her hand to her face. “We hadn’t even met him when we started dating- I need another drink.” 

“Sorry Iroha, I’m going to need to cut you off,” Yachiyo piped in, a smile poorly slapped over her grimace. “Anymore and I worry you might start using your broom on someone.”

“Aww fuck,” Iroha whined, sobbing into her empty cup. “What is Kaguya playing at? I thought I was her one and only!”

“That was a foolish assumption.” Ulalaka sipped the cup Yachiyo put in front of her and Iroha scowled. 

“Wait, so everyone but me knew Kaguya had other partners?”

“Possibly.”

“And why doesn’t that bother you?!”

“Because Kaguya’s beauty is far too great to monopolise,” Ulalaka chirped, prompting Iroha’s face to slam into her cup. “Oh don’t be so dramatic, I’m sure she’s just checking out her options.”

“And obviously she’s biased towards one of them, and it isn’t me!” Iroha squawked, rubbing the blood off her face. Ulalaka nonchalantly healed the gashes as Yachiyo picked up the remains of the cup, tutting. “Come on, what will you do if she chooses someone else?” 

Ulalaka smiled gently. “Then I have my ‘Plan B’.” 

“P-Plan B…?”

“If she marries someone else, I’ll marry her ex fiancée.” 

Iroha left a dent in the counter. 

Why was she the only sane one in this mess?! 

It seemed once Kaguya realised Iroha knew, she became much more shameless. 

Matsuri’s confession had clearly gone well as Kaguya soon decided to take her for a date, fate rolling its cruel dice to determine Matsuri choosing the very teahouse that had once been Iroha’s safe haven. There was no doubt that she knew she wasn’t Kaguya’s lone partner, but the way she was shouting her love from her lungs would have granted her clarity otherwise. And Kaguya made no move to stop her even as they arrived at the teahouse, her face the picture of innocence as she ordered dango for the two of them. 

“She’s so cute, isn’t she?”

“Adorable,” Iroha found herself growling before casting a look at Suzie mere feet away and flashing her a smile her little sister echoed. Keep it together, she couldn’t throw down with an earth dancer and a goddess in front of Suzie. She would still feel Matsuri’s beating in the morning and Suzie’s prodding would make it all the worse. “How about you take it to go?” It would give her time to regain her composure before she did something stupid. “There’s a gorgeous pond not too far from the village.” She hoped Kaguya fell in it.

Kaguya grinned. “I know the one you’re talking about, great idea! I’ll see you later then, Iro-honey.”

After they left, Iroha went inside and screamed. 

When Kaguya brought Cuilang around the next day, it was only marginally less painful because Cuilang didn’t broadcast his passion with every step. 

As Kaguya left him by the teahouse while she ran to help Sakaki with something, Iroha glared after her then whispered to Cuilang. 

“Hey.” He tilted his head. “You do know she’s my girlfriend too, right?” 

“Affirmative.”

“Then why the hell are you okay with this?!”

Cuilang paused for a moment, his unchanging expression where their partner had once stood. Well, Iroha couldn’t tell if he was frowning or smiling under that scarf of his. “Kaguya seems happy.” 

“She’s cheating,” Iroha hissed, burning red in her face. “Come on, you can’t be happy with this!” 

He crossed his arms. “She informed me when we exchanged confessions that she had other partners. Therefore as I know about them, it does not technically count as cheating, she explained.” 

Iroha rubbed her temples. At the very least, this one seemed somewhat innocent. That did not change how much Kaguya was yanking her around, however. “Nice to know she told you. … How many partners did she tell you that she had?” 

Cuilang started counting. “She told me about you and Ulalaka when we first started dating, then she told me about both Ikaruga and Matsuri the other day. She seems to also have plans for Fubuki and Kai, but they are proving ‘troublesome’.” 

“She’s not done?!” 

“I have also seen her visiting Pilika. She may be next.” 

“She’s going to date half of Azuma at this rate!” As Cuilang continued to stare at her, Iroha gripped her apron and exhaled. “I-I’m sorry, could you tell Kaguya I am not feeling well? I’m going to close the teahouse early today.” 

Cuilang nodded. “I hope you get better soon.”

Once Iroha got home, she took out a pen and notebook. 

Kaguya had a grand total of five partners and another three in progress. 

Round each portion of dango’s price to the nearest hundred… Take 10% and times it by each partner… Add an extra 25% for emotional damage… 

Iroha ripped the sheet out and slipped it into her pouch.

Now she waited. 

Like clockwork, Kaguya soon came round with the reason for her blooming anxiety. 

“Good morning, Iroha!” No pet name this time as she chirped. Maybe she had regained a little shame, Iroha thought as she looked at Ikaruga’s unreadable expression. Unbothered, unafraid but not uncomfortable as Kaguya held his hand. Unlike the last time they had interacted, when Iroha was left feeling like the ultimate third wheel in her own relationship as Kaguya patched him up after a fight. She had heard that the underworld was their party’s next designation and watching the girlfriend-stealing bastard get tossed around would be the best retribution next to what she was about to slam down on these oblivious fools. 

“Good morning! Are you here for some dango?” She put as much chipper as she could into her greeting, grinning as though her very career depended on it. 

“That’s right!” Kaguya’s girlish laugh would once have made Iroha’s heart flutter. Instead, that smile on her face, the way she attached herself to this now faintly flushed probably-an-elf, it only justified her upcoming scheme. “We’ll have two lots of tri-colour dango please! On me.”

Perfect. 

Like always, she put her heart into every individual dumping, perfectly molded and finessed. Tainting her craft out of pettiness would only bite her in the ass, but her vengeance would be much more pleasant in exchange. 

She dared not to watch them enjoy their dango, instead making the bill with such neat writing that it would make a scribe jealous. There was no need to calculate it, she had already memorised the total before they even dared to approach. 

And as they finished the last bite, she strolled up to them, their doom rustling in her idly swinging hand. “Is there anything else I can get for you two?” 

“No thanks. That was great, thank you!” Kaguya chimed as Ikaruga nodded in agreement, a faint smile on his face. At least they were honest about something. 

“I’m glad you thought so.” Iroha giggled, handing the bill out to her. “Here’s your bill, tell me when you’re ready.” 

She timed how long she had been walking back towards her kitchen when she heard Kaguya squeak. 

“W-What’s wrong, Dear?” Typical, Ikaruga had even stolen her pet name. But he could keep it, she thought with a snort as she turned around to see Kaguya’s wide eyes. If her mouth hung open any longer, a fly would make it their home. 

“Yes, what’s wrong Kaguya?” 

Kaguya stammered a bit, expression so worried that for a split second Iroha felt bad. Only for it to die in favour of amusement as she blurted. “I-I think you gave me the wrong receipt, this- This total seems really high for two dango. It-It’s nearly twice the price…” 

She covered her smirk, chuckling. “I think I got it right, check the whole thing again.” 

Iroha knew that Kaguya had only looked at that total, her eyes flickering up at the same time Ikaruga peeked at the bill. 

There after the two lots of dango was an additional charge. 

‘Cheating B** Tax= 900g’. 

“Che- Cheating what?!” Kaguya’s gaze darted to her and she didn’t bother hiding her smugness anymore as she started counting off her fingers. 

“Me, Ikaruga, Ulalaka, Cuilang, Matsuri… That’s five partners… 50% tax… And rounded up to 75% because I feel like it.” Iroha didn’t clock a reaction from Ikaruga for a few seconds before embarrassment seemed to hit. No doubt, he had just realised what that tastefully censored word was. “Don’t worry, I won’t charge it you a second time. We’re through.” 

Nothing more coherent left Kaguya as she hurriedly shoved her payment into Iroha’s hand then tugged her boyfriend away. 

Maybe she should have siphoned gold from her a little longer before dropping the bomb. 

Never mind, Kaguya wasn’t her problem anymore. 

Autumn was in decaying bloom when the two finally dared to show their faces again at the teahouse. 

Iroha raised an eyebrow as she noticed they weren’t alone. Fubuki was sat by Ikaruga’s other side, his tail wagging and cheeks a faint pink as Kaguya greeted Iroha. 

“Good afternoon, how’s work been treating you?” Her voice was so bright, so smooth that one would not think Kaguya had been avoiding Iroha to the point of switching up her party before continuing her quests. Iroha found her profits had increased now she wasn’t sporadically getting dragged to fight monsters during her shifts. 

“Business has been booming, I had no time to rest yesterday,” she responded with a cheer that felt oddly genuine, like a weight had lifted off her over the past few weeks of silence. To think almost the entirety of Summer had been lost to dread, only for it to ironically lighten up as the cheerful season slowly died. “Did you three want some dango?”

Kaguya nodded with a crooked grin. “Please, no surprises this time.” 

She spied glances at the trio as she prepared their order, her thoughts idly drifting. With a look she couldn’t tell if Kaguya had won Fubuki over after all like Cuilang had suggested. He was radiating warmth, beaming softly as Ikaruga in that moment seemed to talk more than Iroha had heard him across all their previous party outings combined. She pieced together that it was about dango. To think maybe they could have gotten along if he hadn’t charmed Kaguya. Glancing back at their order, she exhaled and smiled. She was slowly getting over that. Maybe one day things could go completely back to normal with the woman she had once considered her hero. 

“Alright, here you go!” She passed them their orders, gaining three types of ‘thanks’. Kaguya sounded almost timid, maybe shame was still heavy on her after all. Ikaruga’s was sheepish, not a surprise. While Fubuki’s held such soft cheer that for a moment, the air felt like summer again. In spite of him being the god of winter. Strange. “So, do you have any world-saving missions today, Kaguya?” 

“Thankfully not!” Kaguya gave an anxious giggle. “It looks like we can afford to wind down for just a little longer.” 

It was funny how much the end of the world could be put off. She responded with her own laugh, watching the two men start eating. Her brow realised as she noted Kaguya’s arm slipped through the same arm Ikaruga was eating his dango with. That seemed impractical… Her thoughts trailed off as she noticed his other arm wasn’t free after all. 

She cleared her throat. “Uh hey so… You’re not dating Fubuki now, are you Kaguya?” 

Kaguya stared at her for a few seconds then laughed, nudging Ikaruga as he stopped ripping into the dumplings. His face was tinted red again. “Nope!” 

Fubuki was lost in his meal, grinning as Ikaruga glanced at him then murmured. “Actually… Fubuki is my boyfriend.” 

Iroha stared at him then Kaguya, watching her giggle. “Y-You two are dating?” 

“Yes, is there a problem?” Ikaruga tilted his head with those words and she scrambled for a response, clutching her apron. 

“N-No, of course not! Y-You look happy.” 

Had she been mistaken? She sighed, returning to the kitchen to calculate the bill. Maybe she had miscalculated the tax? No, that would mean everyone else and her own eyes had been mistaken. 

…

Maybe he hadn’t meant to steal her girlfriend in the first place. 

A week later, she got a wedding invitation in the post.

That damn mystic could keep the cheating bitch.