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Something happened last time I visited Numazu. An encounter between an old friend and me.
This, in itself, is not a grand adventure or anything worth writing home about, but I suppose when your day-to-day is the same as always—that is to say, incredibly uneventful, characteristically boring—as mine is, you begin to find even the most eye-rolling of events the most exciting events you've ever permitted yourself to have.
I was visiting my mother and father, paying respect and listening to their advice, as I have done more and more frequently in this time of newfound change. Yes, it was while I was talking with my mother, hearing her compliment me while trying on clothes, that I heard a suggestion from her, said in passing.
"It looks a little like the costumes you and Ruby wore together, all those years ago. Isn't one of your friends still here? Kanan. Kanan-chan, the one on Awashima. Wasn't that an idea, to visit her? I'm sure she'd appreciate it."
Several things were racing through my mind at that time, though only one thing was focused in my heart. Was Kanan still around? How disgraceful of me that I didn't know! It still shocks me now, writing this.
I had nodded, at that time, suddenly in a great hurry, something that did not go unnoticed by my mother if her smile hidden behind her wrinkly hand was anything to go by. As if under her command again, she let me go, like a hound running wild, bloodthirsty and excited, on the first hunting day of Fall.
I will spare myself the labor of writing about the journey there, as it involved wait times that were unpleasant on my beating heart, and I am sure I would like to reread only the exciting parts of my journey instead. With that in mind, I can attest that I found myself on Awashima Island, the place where I had so often played as a child.
What I write now is no exaggeration, though it seems unnaturally poetic. I can swear on my dignity that this was how it felt to me in that moment. It was as if the world had stopped, the time slowing down to a frightening halt, the moment I saw my old childhood friend. She was just like how I had imagined her, so the sight itself was not shocking. Carrying oxygen tanks, I assumed, if my quick read of the label was even a little accurate. Her posture had gotten worse while carrying them, somehow, and I remember my first feeling after excitement being a somewhat fond sense of exasperation.
My prior view of her had been from the back, but when I cleared my throat and brought myself into attention, I saw her face for the first time in forever, and soon after, I felt my own face being examined, being recognized, being greeted with those friendly eyes I'd neglected for what seemed like a silly amount of time.
Her appearance had obviously changed, though much of it was the same. She had aged beautifully, grown into proper adulthood. Her face seemed more defined, and had finally shed the remnants of puberty. I thought, not for the first time in my life, of how beautiful she looked.
"Hey, Dia," she said after some time, like she was carefully choosing what words would introduce us to each other after so long, "It's been a while."
It had indeed been a while, and I said as such while I was getting rushed inside, the other guests seemingly forgotten for now (she didn't have any, but the thought of myself being the number one priority in Kanan's life was comforting to me).
She made tea for both of us, and so we sat down and talked. She had become a good host, I noted, feeling my chest swell up with unearned pride. The flavor was, truthfully, poor, but at that moment, it was the best tea I’d ever had.
"What brings you to Numazu?" She asked eventually, though I had dreaded talking about it. It wasn't as if it was a terrible secret, and I'm sure Kanan was already positively aware of the whys, but perhaps there was something between the lines of the unsaid whys.
Of course, I answered her anyway, my fears quickly thrown into the sea outside. "I was visiting my parents."
As predicted, it earned not as much as an eyebrow raise, though she did complement it with 'ooo's and 'aaah's. She looked at me, and it seemed as if she beckoned for me to explain more, address the thing we both had on our minds. I had always been weak to her, but I assume I had grown somewhat of a backbone during our time apart, something I leaned on now.
"Is Chika-san still in the area?" I asked, throwing my companion slightly off her guard. She leaned backward in her chair, as if it were a gravely serious question I had asked her.
Eventually, she slumped forward again. "Seen her some weeks ago, yeah. She's still set out to inherit the inn, though something else's keeping her attention elsewhere."
Maybe upon seeing just how much that intrigued me, this new piece of information, she chuckled warmly and continued. For me, it was like nothing had ever changed between us as we sat there gossiping.
"Don't know anything about what it is, not like she told me about it, but maybe it's exactly that. Somethin' she can't tell me about. Love, maybe? I don't know."
"Is You still on the boat?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Yeah," She grinned after a little while, surely processing the happy thought. "Wouldn't that be nice, wouldn't it..."
I asked her, half-teasingly, if she wouldn't feel lonely, being left all by herself. The look she gave me in response told me everything. We sat in silence for a little while more.
Eventually, the tea had been used up for both of us, and we moved to the porch. As we leaned on the wooden guard rail, with a direct view of the beautiful ocean, myself facing forward and Kanan's back facing it, she asked me a question.
"How's Ruby?"
I thought, and still think as of writing this, yet again, just how kind Kanan was. Her true intent with the question was undeniable, though she gave me a lifeline if I needed it.
"She tells me she's never been happier. She's staying with a friend, one from university, until she finds her own apartment."
"Finally found her own way," Kanan smiled as I turned to look at her. I looked away again when the inevitable question was turned to me.
I still wince over my word choice, for I started with a negative note, though it was out of my own control. It seemed like something I needed to say. I said, "I'm sorry, Kanan," as I bowed my head like a reprimanded dog. "I haven't had time."
I remember the sensation clearly, the one of her patting my back, like we were children again, and I had fallen on the playground. She would kiss my knee, then, pat me on the back, and I'd think she was the coolest and kindest in the world. It was not the same, now, the situation had changed, though I still felt she was as reliable as ever.
"I don't blame you," Kanan said, and it hurt me deeply to hear what came after that thought, "I wouldn't have come either."
The world stopped again, though only for one of us. She must've sensed my shock, for I could only see the outline of her back when I turned to look at her, accusing her of treachery with my eyes.
She continued, and I felt my heart sink to my feet, as I still do now, exercising my memory of the event. "It's why Mari hasn't come to visit, either, isn't it? The same reason."
The reason that would've kept all three of us there in Numazu, I was acutely aware.
In that moment, I spoke not of the meeting I had had with Mari a few months before the workload I'm facing now, the frivolous party of a business associate I cannot remember the name of. She had been much more handsy than Kanan had been upon our reunion, hugging and kissing my hand and cheek and everywhere else with fervor. I had hoped, secretly, that it was not just the alcohol talking.
She had taken me by the hand and led me to a smaller patio outside, where she bared her heart and deep buried wishes to me.
Dia, she had said, I really wish KANAN was here too. I emphasize the name, because she yelled it to the point of me shushing her. She laughed me off and continued, patting my hand like we were school girls again.
Wouldn't it be nice, she had said, if we got together in Numazu again, just the three of us? We can stay at the hotel, shit, we can stay wherever, I don’t care as long as it's with you two.
I answered her truthfully then, though the truth was never fun. No Mari, I said, I'm engaged. I'm getting married.
She looked at me—and this I remember clearer than anything else—she took my hand, put it in her own, squeezed, and said nothing. Her gaze beckoned me to keep my eye contact with her, and I noticed it was the same look in her eyes, the same warm smile, that always made me feel self-conscious in high school. It was as if she knew everything about me from just one look.
This, of course, I knew would make Kanan go further off the deep end, so I withheld it from her. I wonder now if that was the correct decision.
The silence wasn't enough for Kanan, it seemed, and I felt extreme pity in my heart and system at the way she grasped at the air for any reaction from me. I had grown accustomed to people being upset at me, disliking me, though it was something else entirely when it came to her. My friend, who loved and saw me more than anyone else, even if years of silence should have muted our flame. No, I couldn’t bear to watch her be upset with me.
"Won't you make me understand, Dia?" She finally asked, patting my arm with a flat palm, lazy contact. She didn't turn towards me, though I could still hear her words as if she yelled right next to my ear. "Was I the only one who thought it was possible? That we could overcome anything? That… shit, that it was… still there?”
No, of course she wasn't the only one, that was clear to me from the first sentence she spoke. It was what Mari wanted, what I wanted. I couldn't tell this to her in a way that would've made it hurt less, so I decided to respond in a different manner.
"I'm getting married."
I don't think I can ever forget the horror on her face as she, out of sheer shock, turned herself around, staring holes into my soul. Alarmed, I nearly shot out my arms as it looked like she was about to cry, but something shifted in her demeanour just before I reacted. It was scary, in a way. She smiled at me, a pitiful smile that hardly amounted to anything, hardly reached her eyes.
"To who?" Upon saying those words, she patted my shoulder, then removed her hand as if burned.
"The son of one of my parents' most trusted business partners—you wouldn't know him," I responded, desperate to see any change in her expression. I was not rewarded; she simply nodded.
"That's good, then. I hope you'll have a nice life together. You’ll make for a pretty bride, Dia."
I thanked her, and we made further small talk. Again, it was as if nothing had ever changed between us, two young girls catching up on daily events at their school desks, sharing their lunches and stories. It comforted me, deeply, to have my friend by my side again, the fact that I was able to talk to her about things I couldn’t talk to anyone else about. I didn’t need to carry myself with uncertainty; she knew who I was. Ultimately, she will always be my best friend.
Before long, it was time for me to leave again, and so I bid her goodbye with a long hug. It was fine to indulge myself with this skinship, I reasoned, as I was not sure if I was to see her at my wedding. Whether I could invite her, and whether she would even come.
I stayed all the days of my trip in Numazu at my parents’ house, as was planned, though it was uneventful enough as not to write anything down. In short, I spent a lengthy amount of time with my parents, and on some days, my extended family. It comforted me that my father was happy with my decision and that he was proud of me. He said it not with words, but I could feel it from his actions.
My mother was outwardly proud instead, and I was happy to be able to taste her cooking again. She asked me if I was happy to be 'home', and it made me think about the definition of the word home. I suppose I was, for it was nice to finally have time off, and it made me relieved to see my family for aforementioned reasons. I still did not feel home, not even as I rested in my childhood room, still intact. I wondered if I ever would. I could live with that, I argued.
The day of my departure, my return to Tokyo, my mother wiped her tears away on my shoulder. I smiled a little awkwardly, unsure of what was expected of her child in that situation.
"You've grown into a respectable woman, Dia," she said to me, patting me on my shoulder. "I'll see you soon, won't I?"
The truth was that she would, and we both knew as much as she cradled my face with the palm of her hand. "Take Ruby with you too, won't you? That child will surely return at the news of her sister's wedding."
She would, I knew that much about Ruby, though I did not mention to my mother that it was likely not in the way she wanted. No matter what, it would be nice to see her again, so I nodded my head. With a final gesture, I made for my departure from Numazu, my forever, future home.
In this place I will always belong, in this place I was raised, I will always place my love.
The place I love will continue thriving, it will continue giving hope to those who need it, joy, friendship, times you want to cry, times you feel invincible. Your first love and your first heartbreak. If that is what I can make happen, then that is a sacrifice I will make.