Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sohee has always lived in Goseong.

It's generational, he supposes. His mother was born and buried here, or so to say and it's something he plans to do as well. His childhood home was small, two rooms and a kitchen. There wasn't much space, but they were only three, so they settled in just fine. There wasn't a dining room, but there was a large gray couch where they sat and ate. He had his own room. His window faced the small backyard, and the glass was broken in one corner because the sun used to shine directly on it. It had cracked twice before. The third time, his parents didn't fix it. His father had taken duct tape and patched it up, warning Sohee not to touch it too much. They said they would buy another one when summer was over. But autumn passed, and Sohee's room had been colder than ever. Even with Goseong's annual heat, Sohee's old house was freezing.

There's a street Sohee walks by often. It's close to his childhood house, just a block down. Right in front of the biggest convenience store in town. Sunz it's called. He'd run arrands everyday for his parents. He'd go with his mum more than not. He's an only son and besides his friends, his mother was his only company. She'd buy him candy and the store used to have arcade machines and so she waited beside him, watching him beat the owner's pair of sons' score over and over again.

That street it's where he gave his first kiss. With one of the boys he doesn't talk to anymore. It was sweet and soft, tentative lips that had the lingering taste of melting ice cream. It didn't mean much to Sohee, he wasn't interested in romance at fourteen yet but his friend liked him so Sohee allowed it. It was himself the one that did it. Because his friend had bought him a cone too and he was always so nice. It was the only way Sohee could think of paying back.

He lost friendships there. A messy fight. That time of his life he had been uncontrollably angry and bitter. It's where he found new ones too.

The town is small by itself but that street is plaged with so many memories Sohee can built a lifetime with them. Sad and happy alike.

So it makes sense he's standing in it when the news find him. Plastic bag in hand, he's checking the ticket because the fucking cashier often overcharges him —And it's fucking Wonbin and they're friends and all he bought was a pack of cigarettes so why did he pass the lollipop he had in his mouth as Sohee's purchase?— when he sees Shotaro running toward him. The other man looks desperate, he grabs Sohee's hands tightly, and pulls him into the store again.

Wonbin looks up, interested but doesn't say anything. He's listening though. He's noisy like that.

With a faint gasp, Shotaro says slowly, "Seunghan is here."

Sohee's supposed to be past it. It's what he told the friends he had left and the therapist he sees twice a year and yet Shotaro looks at him with so much worry, with fear even, he holds him close and waits until Sohee's eyes focus back on his.

''How do you know?'' He says it calmly as he looks around, but feels himself shaking a little, with a burning heat in his stomach and a throbbing that has his heart aching.

Shotaro grimces, his thumb pointing out. And as if they were summoning him, they can see Seunghan outside the store.

Sohee didn't know he was back and apparently neither did his friends because it seems Shotaro ran here just to warn Sohee and Wonbin's sucker drops to the fucking ground when the door opens.

It's insane, to look at him. It's been years since the last time Seunghan ever set foot in Goseong.

Skinny like he has always been, he's laughing with two other guys, they hear a set of three consecutive laughs and then a wheeze. So specific both of them turn to each other speechless. He's as handsome as ever. His small eyes closing.

Sohee feels happy, for an instant. It's just Seunghan. He's just walking the same streets again, under the same ray of sunshine. But if Seunghan is here it implies more complicated things. Is the whole family back too? He feels the dread, the memories come rushing all back into his mind so suddenly he hides behind a shelf, his legs feel weak and maybe him and Shotaro are in sync because he does the same. He drags Sohee to the storage room. Wonbin says nothing, just nods and greets his new costumers with that annoying voice of him. If Seunghan looks around the store in silence, they're not there to see.

"The fuck is that guy doing here?"

They're in the freezer. Sohee is sitting on a stool Wonbin's brother brought them from outside. Shotaro is at his side, rubbing his shoulder, his back, stroking his hair as if Sohee were a little kid in need of reassurance. Wonbin is standing in the doorway, holding it open with a scowl.

Shotaro shakes his head at his words. "Don't be mean."

Shotaro doesn't mind when Wonbin is mean. That's who Wonbin is, and they accept him that way. Shotaro always gets involved in the gossip, always smiles and his eyes narrow, and he's just as mean as Wonbin. But this is Seunghan. They haven't seen him in seven years and Shotaro always had that soft side with him, softer than with Sohee before everything happened because Sohee kept everything to himself and shunned hugs from his friends. Seunghan was different. But Wonbin didn't know Seunghan the same way Sohee and Shotaro and Shohei did so he doesn't have much to defend, especially knowing what happened, how things ended and why.

Seunghan was nice.

That's the one thing people knew about him. He was nice. Even when he was angry, even when sad. He was helpful, he was thoughtful, comforting and just the right amount of a flirt. Everyone saw infinite kindness and sweetness in him. He was just that good. Before he left. He was always so present it was a surprise to almost everyone when he ghosted them. Leaving an empty space that was always overflowing with attention and friendship. Everyone knew Seunghan would leave, but when he cut ties as if he'd never lived in Goseong, as if his group of five had never happened, it was a strange thing to overcome. Very sudden. Leaving your small hometown for the city just does that to people, it seems. But Shohei left three years ago too, and he's in Japan and he still texts and calls. Shohei didn't leave with Sungchan though. So maybe that's the reason.

"Shouldn't he be in Seoul or who knows where?" He completely ignores Shotaro.

Seunghan should be in Seoul. Lost in the city. Whatever. The point is he's not supposed to be here, in Goseong. He left long ago, with a barely goodbye to his parents, not even that to his friends. He truly chose his dreams over the life he had. No one blames him, not even Sohee, not for that reason.

'"He looks different, doesn't he?" Shotaro asks the air. His eyes full of thought, of reminders from when they were just kids. Sohee disagrees a little but understands. Seunghan is taller, cheekbones sharp, freckles lighter, eyes smaller. He used to be wide-eyed, round face and plastered with dots, a blessing from the sun Shohei used to say. If Shohei was here he wouldn't think Seunghan is a blessing anymore. He's a bad omen. Good in nature but the things linked to him are dangerous. His pressence in town is disrruptive. To the people and the wild life. Maybe that's why the tide had been stronger than it should've had.

All the memories seem so distant now, there were five of them, and now it's only Shotaro and himself. In a place were people stay for generations, their friendgroup had find itself torn apart. Three had left and they only spoke to one of them. He won't lie and say he never thinks of Sungchan and Seunghan. The first couple of months without them were hard. The things that happened didn't dimmed the longing in Sohee's heart but that was seven years ago.

"As long as he doesn't mess with you two, everything's fine."

That's one of the many things he forgets, too. That three of his friends didn't know Sungchan and Seunghan personally. Even in the small town, even with similar ages.

Shotaro points a finger at Wonbin. He just glares back. "Yah. Why would he do that. He's probably just visiting his parents." But he hasn't done that before though.

"He was a regular before, you think he'll come often?." A new voice appears, quiet but noisy like his brother, Anton stands by the door too. Inviting himself to the conversation, he can do it. Even if he's younger, they're still friends. He has a good point too. Doesn't matter if Seunghan is visiting or moving back. Is he going to be at the same spots he used to before? When they were friends as if nothing had changed? He has his own friends now, will he try to speak to them? Did he remembered Wonbin from biology class? Will he even know Anton? Will he look for Shotaro and ask why he's still at the workshop when he was an incredible dancer? Will he wonder where Shohei is? Will he try to visit Sohee's empty house, or will he want to see Sohee under the stars again, sitting by the shore, looking at him with that specific enamour shine? Will he be judgmental? Because he left for years and now that he's back, almost everyone is still there, living the same lives. Constant and without a risk, completly different than his own. Will he laugh? Will he frown?

No. Seunghan was never like that, but Sohee doesn't know what Seunghan is like anymore. He was a great friend and then suddendly he just... wasn't.

"Whatever. I won't let him in the store if Sohee doesn't want to." Wonbin is as loyal as he is annoying. Sohee chuckles.

"It's fine." It's not. "It's just Seunghan." That's the problem. It's only Seunghan now but it could be Sungchan too. "It's been so long, so, no worries." His friends don't seem to believe him but there's only so much he can do.

"Sure." Wonbin replies. "Please leave the freezer then. We can't keep the door open anymore."

Sohee groans, standing from the stool. "Dude. Why did you charge me your fucking lollipop by the way." Shotaro laughs at him.

"Anton gives you pretty boy discounts, so I'll charge you pretty boy fees." He says it in an obvious tone. Anton blushes a deep shade of red. Shaking his head, leaving the freezer in a rush so he can be spare of the embarrassment. No use. Wonbin always shares it to the world or anyone that'll listen.

They see Seunghan around. Or Sohee does. Sohee sees Seunghan around. Not a lot but it happens. It's not that's he's looking for him, but it's the weekend and Sohee has things to do, like his weekly grocery shopping at the market. He's just arriving when he sees Seunghan in the distance, entering the restaurant they used to go to once a week. Sohee has been there once or twice recently; they're still serving the same special they used to buy. —Seunghan paid most of the time, he was the only one that got money from his parents.— He stares at him through the large window like a stalker, crossing his arms and turning slightly to the side so it's not obvious to passersby what he's looking at. He watches him direct his friends to a table while he orders and pays at the register. Seunghan ordering? Laughing with the cashier? Mrs. Kim must recognize him because she smiles and pinches his cheeks. Cute. Will she give him a sweet like before? Now who will she tease him with if Sohee is standing out here and not laughing with them like it used to be?

Sohee focuses on the two boys. They're around Seunghan's height, not as slim, but it's normal for Seunghan to be the skinniest one in the room. One has dyed hair, a bad job from where Sohee can see, the other has tattoos, not common in Goseong but Sohee isn't prejudiced, his hair is black, and when Seunghan arrives at the table he sits next to him.

It's an image he knows, three friends, always together because Shotaro shadowed his dad at work and Shohei's aunt was strict. His heart aches. It had been Sungchan, Seunghan and himself for so many occasions. Out of all the things, he didn't think he'd miss such mundane things.

Sohee's irrational, wistful of one person he wanted to shut out and another he couldn't reach. He can't forget the before, the friendship and the bond. He misses them. He does. But accepting it is letting go of his anger, even if a little bit. And Sohee is not willing yet.

Even with Seunghan's lively smile, once again back in Goseong.

When Seunghan looks up, Sohee turns around and walks off.

He runs into him once more that day. He's casually sorting through some mangoes when he hears his voice. Close. Too close. Sohee doesn't have to look back to know. It's still the same; deep and airy and Sohee leaves his basket and almost runs home with his heavy tote bag hitting his side as he moves.

Seunghan appears in glimpses. For two or three days, it's all Sohee's friends talk about. Well, no. But when Anton or Wonbin see him they make sure to tell Shotaro and Sohee. Just so they know he's staying in line. He hasn't try to talk to them at all. But silence is telling too. There's no way he doesn't know they're there. Maybe he's giving them time. Maybe he doesn't care anymore.

But they do. Sohee does. 

Because Seunghan is so cool now with his tattooed friends and long hair. He's not anxious like before when he used to leave all the talking to Sungchan and Shohei. He speaks for his friends. He orders, he pays. He starts conversations with people he doesn't know. All with his sharp smile and pointy teeth.

He's so different from the kid Sohee knew, so changed. He's a city guy now and he carries himself as such. His clothes so out of place in the half-paved streets, his designer shoes dusting with each step.

Sohee is still wearing the same shorts he had in highschool with his worn out knock off converses. Because he hasn't change. Seunghan could look at him and know the resentment is there still.

He wants to greet Seunghan, wants to talk to him, hug him, ask if he too has tattoos now and if so, if his fear of needles has disappeared. But he won't. Sohee can't. Because the last time he spoke to Seunghan their friendship ended and they never saw each other again. Sohee can't because he's still hurt and it won't ever heal.

So yeah, Sohee watches him from afar. Ignores the pinch in his heart and the nostalgic memories that reach him.

That being said, Sohee avoids him like a plague.

He tells all of this to Eunseok, who's currently sitting at his table, eating cereal at 6PM and watching Sohee clean the dishes without offering his help.

He was so much more efficient when Sohee was dating him. Now he's kinda useless.

"Seunghan's back?"

"Yeah..." He pauses his actions to turn around, soap running down his arm to the floor.

Eunseok looks at him, the same way Shotaro did, with a frown and a hint of worry. He looks a bit confused too. Why hadn't Sohee told him anything?

"Is Sungchan here too?" An expected question. Sohee shakes his head. No. Eunseok's body relaxes. Yeah. No one wants Sungchan to return. But Seunghan is an extension in a way. So... Yes.

"I don't even remember his face." Eunseok lifts the spoon to his lips and Sohee completely ignores the mess he makes with the milk. He ignores the obvious lie Eunseok says as well. Of course he remembers Seunghan, maybe he can't remember everything but he does remember what had happen.

"Of course you don't. You were 18 trying to get with a 15 year old, pervert."

"Stop saying that. You were sixteen." It's something they argue constantly about. The two year difference sounds big now that they're both in their twenties but back then it meant nothing. Sohee knew Eunseok since birth and they acted as if they were the same age. Still he likes to say it whenever he has the chance to embarrass Eunseok. And he does get embarrassed, especially after he said a bad phrased comment about how he would date 16 year old Sohee now too.

"I so wasn't but sure." He was but Eunseok deserves to suffer. "But yeah."

"He's the kid that used to be in love with you." Eunseok states. Acusatory and out of nowhere, with hands on the table he squints at Sohee. He's saying super crazy dumb stuff. Or maybe not. Because Seunghan used to hold Sohee's hand and gift him stuff and bring him lunch from his own house. He also used to kiss Sohee from time to time, a small peck on the lips that Sohee never thought much of, it was a form of skinship. Seunghan liked doing it and Sohee didn't mind kissing whoever, much less Seunghan.

It stopped when Sohee started to bring Eunseok around. An older boy, quiet and chill. Seunghan hated that Eunseok was so lay back and still it was Sohee the one that dragged him everywhere. A kind of attention Seunghan wanted but never truly recieved. Sohee was different with the rest of his friends. Just a friend. A good friend too. But Seunghan wanted to be special like Eunseok was. The different glaze in his eyes, the words a bit more comfortable and soft. Sohee used to resist Seunghan's touch, he'd frown at the cringy love declarations and wouldn't reciprocate, kissses aside. With Eunseok he'd laugh and giggle. Sohee never flirted with either of them. Eunseok was not loud about it like Seunghan and yet it was obvious to the eyes. There was something about their friendship that was just distinct among all the friends Sohee had. Seunghan included.

So Seunghan disliked Eunseok very loudly, his kindness was not directed towards him, neither were his words. And then the thing happened and they didn't talked again. A gap so big formed that the crush was unimportant. Forgotten.

He doesn't think Hong Seunghan is still in love with him after so many years. 

That's not the reason Sohee has doubts about speaking to him so he doesn't know what Eunseok is on about.

"So?"

Eunseok lowers his hands to his lap. Brushes an invisible something off it and shrugs. "And you wanna see him?" 

It's a valid question.

"I don't know." He turns back to cleaning the dishes. Does Sohee wanna see Seunghan? Talk to him? They used to be so close back then but he has lived with the loathe. He doesn't want to forgive, doesn't want to disappoint his friends if he ever does. They're used to an unpredictable Sohee. He's happy. Yes. But sometimes when his past experiences are too livid he shuts down. He wanders off. They know how to take him off it. They've learn to speak around him in a way he'd understand. He owes them so much and he doesn't want them to think they've harbor his angry and depressed self just for him to accept Seunghan once he's back. They helped him get back on his feet and Seunghan nor Sungchan get to experience that Sohee, it's not their right anymore.

"I guess you could. Nothing wrong with trying." Eunseok shrugs eating his cereal again. "I'm here if anything."

Eunseok is the most understanding person Sohee knows.

The most selfless too.

He had been by his side when everything happened.

They've known each other since toddlers. Both their moms had been friends, different ages like their sons but their bond was strong. When Sohee's mum got pregnant at a young age, she confided the secret first to her, she had had her son already, and so she helped and supported her. When his father left she was the one Sohee's mum talked to. Eunseok's mom had been the one to take Sohee's mum to the hospital when she started having chest pains. 

It runs in the family because Eunseok had stayed with Sohee too. In the lowest parts of his live, Eunseok was there, lifting him up. Doing his homework because Sohee had spent a week in the hospital and he didn't want him to fall behind, holding his hand when the doctor tried to explain to a seventeen-year-old Sohee what his mother had.

He was the first person he called when his mother's heart stopped working.

When Sohee's mother died he had been out of himself, he felt empty and confused, he had a void in his chest and a different personality than normal.

He was angry with all the people around him but nothing compared to how he felt about his father, for leaving them, for making his mother die. It broke her heart. What his father had done to them caused her body to fail, the stress so great she couldn't take it. She was thirty-five years old. She had had Sohee at eighteen.

Sohee wanted to die then, he didn't have any relatives and he didn't want to be near his friends. It had been Eunseok who had accompanied him, who received the mean words and the hurt Sohee felt. Eunseok, just as young and inexperienced had taken care of a broken Sohee.

His mother's funeral had been sad as funerals are, he did not know what to do, so the Song family took care of it. With colorful flowers and a brown casket, pure wood and gold details. The whole town attended but Eunseok's mother didn't let them ask Sohee many questions. Protective like her son. Sohee was so lucky to have them.

There was no burial. Sohee had decided on cremation. Scattering the ashes in the sea off the coast of Goseong. Both Shohei and Shotaro were there when he did it, but Eunseok was the only one Sohee let near.

When he finished, he looked around and became erratic, entering the water to try to pick her up. He didn't want to say goodbye yet; he wanted his mother back, to be alive. Eunseok ran after him, pulling on his arm to stop him from going in. Only the three of them could pull him out. Sohee was still struggling and twitching when they brought him to shore. Water splashing, the tide had been so calm that Sohee's cries were the loudest thing in the area. Heartbreaking and loud. His tears seemed to fill the sea even more. The three of them hugged him for hours. It had been such a difficult thing that for a week his friends had done everything they could to make him smile. Sohee accepted the sorrow, anything that distracted him from the fact that the most important person he had in his life had died in the silence of the night without being able to say goodbye.

That had changed their dynamic. They never really talked a lot before, but Shotaro and Shohei befriended Eunseok out of the necessity to protect Sohee. 

Eunseok had been the one to fix the material difficulties he faced because his family has a kind of generational wealth that's not very common. And Sohee, being Eunseok's best and only friend at the time had benefited from it. Eunseok and his family gave him a place to stay when Sohee couldn't keep his old house anymore because there was no one that payed for it and so the state took it back.

At first it was a side in Eunseok's room. His mom had pulled out a mattress and placed it on the floor but they shared the bed anyway. 

By the time Eunseok's little brother was old enough to study his family had moved aboard. Eunseok staying in Goseong. With Sohee. His family never protested, instead they allowed Eunseok to spend part of his heritage, it was almost a requirement that he had to take care of Sohee with it. And he did.

They moved too. Leaving the family home. Eunseok had been so generous he gave Sohee a space of his own. They live side by side, both houses in the same spaces, separated by three meters only. They share a big garden, shadows and chairs, the property closer to the beach where the sand killed Sohee's flowers. Eunseok turned out better at gardening. The land is large, half of the block is theirs and even though they both have their own house, they are always together anyway. 

Eunseok never asks for anything in return; he's content with Sohee's friendship, with the stolen moments they have between them. Their bond is strong and raw. Something that has never been labeled. When their friends mention it, they laugh; when the townspeople refer to them as each other's partners, they don't correct them. 

I'm here if anything. Eunseok said. 

"I already said I won't go." Wonbin doesn't even turn around to look at Eunseok. Who's unimpressed to say the least.

Eunseok does not have a job in a traditional sense, he does care about the town though, and today is the monthly beach clean up day and Eunseok always and without fail, goes door by door to pick up volunteers. It's more of a bonding activity for the townspeople because Goseong has had an upholding title for three years now. Sohee doesn't remember how it says exaclty but it's because the beach is the cleanest or something. Eunseok has copies hung on his wall. The major always attributes a part of it to Eunseok, includes him to conversations about the town and sometimes invites him to galas. Sohee always makes Eunseok wear a suit and takes his pictures.

So, Eunseok is a big environment nerd and he wants his friends to be aware too.

"He's not asking you, you are going." Sohee insists. 

"Why can't Anton or my dad go in my place?"

"Anton went last time." While chewing gum, looking pretty sitting on the counter, Shotaro reminders. 

"I can go today too." Anton offers. He's on a small ladder, stocking the shelves. Sohee smiles at him. He was going to go either way. So. His comment doesn't mean much.

"It's your turn to go." Eunseok says offhandedly. He doesn't really need Wonbin there, Anton works faster and better but he likes being stubborn, bad thing Wonbin does as well.

"For someone that smokes as much as you do, you sure are horny for the ecosystem."

It's true. Both Sohee and Shotaro laugh out loud. Eunseok can't even defend himself, but he does turns around to look at Sohee with indignation. Eunseok is a heavy smoker, indoors, outdoors, he'll smoke anywhere if they let him. It's a bad habit but when they ask him to stop he stops talking to them instead.

"Why are you so bitchy today, anyways." Shotaro stands from where he was, he has his work clothes on. His dad's workshop is some streets down and he more often than not finds time to waste at Sunz.

Most of the businesses in the village are family-run, like Shotaro and the brothers'. Shotaro is a mechanic, an excellent one too. Wonbin and Anton have always worked at their parents' store. Wonbin is incredibly good at math; he studied accounting. Anton is a semi-professional swimmer; he'll be returning to college in a few months. 

"It's none of your fucki-" "Dad scolded him about his drinking problem." 

They all pause. Wide eyes and shocked. Anton is trying to hide the mischievous smile that's appearing in his face but there's no use. 

They laugh. Of course they do. Sohee is wheezing and coughing. And Eunseok is holding his stomach while he whippes the tears out of his eyes.

It's comical. Wonbin finally turns to them and crosses his arms, pouting and looking for something to throw at Anton without the possibility of causing brain damage. Surely his father has wear his ear off already.

"I don't even drink that much, I don't know why he said that."

Wonbin does drink a lot. Sohee can not for the life of god keep up with him. His drinking habits are so superior than their friend group that they sometimes find him sitting with the old drunks of the town, talking and of course; drinking. It's so funny that his dad realized.

"That's hilarious, Wonbin. Come to the beach and we'll give you booze behind your dad's back." They all giggle. "Anton won't say anything." And Anton makes the gesture of zipping his mouth shut.

"If you kiss my brother I'll go." He says. Revenge for Anton, teasing him is something they all do. Youngest and all.

Sohee turns to Eunseok, he just shrugs, clicking his lighter to light a cigarette. It doesn't work.

"Yeah, sure." Sohee moves to the boy. "He is of age, isn't he?" He jokes.

Wonbin smiles brightly. "He's almost twenty!" Anton on the other hand is blushing, he's shaking his head as Sohee approaches him.

"You have such a good hyung, Anton." Wonbin almost pats himself on the back and Eunseok and Shotaro fucking howl. 

"Dude. Go away." The younger giggles when Sohee's hands find him.

"Hello?"

Their fun is interrupted by a voice, and when the five of them turn around they see a stranger. Not from around here. He has tattoos and sharp eyes. It's Seunghan's friend. Sohee recognizes him. Anton is the one that goes, smiling and chatting a little with his quiet voice. 

Sohee doesn't mean to stare, but Seunghan is, at the end important to him, and so the new people around him intrigue him. How long has Seunghan been friends with this person? Are they close or the opportunity to come to his hometown just came up? What does all those tattoos mean? Is he nice? He looks like it. Does he know Sungchan? If he does then maybe he isn't that cool. Seunghan is a great example of how friendships influence you.

You are who you hang out with. That's something Sohee believes to be an absolute truth. 

His friends are kind, loyal, a bit lazy, and they're codependant and Sohee knows that's how he is too. So if Sungchan is a twofaced, lying and manipulative piece of shit that can only mean one thing and Sohee doesn't want more people like him to pollute his town. Or maybe he's just jealous that this guy can be close to Seunghan without trace of resentment or obstacles.

"Anyway, I'll see all of you later then." Eunseok starts walking off and Sohees eyes go to the sranger that's also going towards the exit. When both of them are at the door Eunseok walks past him without glazing at him. But the guy does stare, he turns a little to have a peek at them too.

When they're both out of sight Shotaro turns to him, his eyes wide as if he saw something Sohee didn't. They're all looking at him like that.

"What?"

"Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"That guy looks like you." Anton points out. Does he? Sohee doesn't see the ressemblance and doesn't want there to be one so he ignores their words. 

"He's Seunghan's friend, right?" Wonbin asks when he's probably the one that's seen them the most because he's the cashier and Anton stays moving things around inside the storageroom. "He's missed you then."

He's missed you then. 

Sohee ignores Wonbin's words but does not miss the way Shotaro looks at him. They don't really talk about their two friends. After they left, after Sohee was able to get out of the hole he was in, they simply began to pretend neither of them existed. When they tasted food they usually bought for Seunghan, when they repeated a phrase Sungchan had popularized among them, when Shohei made parallel shadows in his paintings that had nothing to do with the depiction but were always present in the art.

It wasn't something Sohee asked for; it just happened. Shotaro and Shohei saw it as necessary to move on with their lives. Shotaro was so close to Sungchan, too; Shohei treated Seunghan like the younger brother he never had. They gave it up for Sohee, even when they didn't understand, they knew that what Sungchan had done was too much, far removed from what they knew of the boy. It caused Sohee such pain that everyone in the town, except Seunghan, distanced themselves. They erased him from the narrative, or tried to because one of the most important pawns is out on the streets, remembering everyone what poor orphan Sohee had to go through.

Wonbin talks about how Seunghan missed Sohee, and the worst part is that Sohee missed him too.

Sohee does work. Despite spending half his time with his friends and the other half doing nothing with Eunseok, he is an active participant in society. He occupies a small cubicle Monday through Friday, 7 a.m. to 2 p.m., at the post office, a bit removed from his coworkers. Sohee isn't a postman; his area of expertise is different. He works alongside an older man who taught Sohee everything he knows. He was supposed to retire three years ago, but never did. It's not a chore, but he earns good money doing a job he likes with nice people and without having to put in so much effort because the reality is that Goseong doesn't has that many direct imports.

He still likes to go, even if he has to arrive two hours before everyone else. He can sneak away from time to time. Like early today at the grocery store.

Sohee says goodbye to his coworkers when his shift at the post office ends. He promises them he'll see them at the beach and starts walking to his house, just to change clothes. It's not that far and the weather is good, the sun is bright, but there are shadows that accompany it. It doesn't feel hot yet, but it's only a matter of time before the clouds disperse. It is summer, after all, and Goseong is a very crispy place.

He likes walking around town. He knows every street, every corner, and he knows most of the people who live by the beach, or by where his old house used to be. The town is small, but him and his friends have always been closer to the coast. It's what they know best.

When Sohee makes his way to the beach he's met with the sight of Anton walking alone, they both share a smile. 

"Hyung." Ah, he's the only one who uses honorifics, and only occasionally. No one uses them with Eunseok either. "Wonbin was showering, didn't want to wait for him."

Anton walks silently but happy alongside Sohee. Their shoes dragging against the gravel floor, there's different patches of dirt all around, sometimes sand, sometimes rocks. 

When they get to the beach there are already people there, waiting for instructions and gathered around Eunseok.

Eunseok gives orders, guides people, he's very specific about placing the trash in the right bag. Plenty people showed up. Eunseok is good with these things. He never had many friends, never really formed a friend group until Sohee introduced him to his own, but somehow, with things that he's passionate about he's a leader. He's also a samaritan. If people really need something they go to him, they ask for favors and Eunseok always helps, without asking too many questions. He cares. His word on public interests matter. He's not just a piggy bank, He's a good person, a good neighbor.

That's why a lot of people always go along with him even when there are men older and more experienced than him. That's why they ignore when he smokes indoors, that's why they turn a blind eye when he gets a little rough.

Eunseok is headheated, has a long list of incidents. He used to be violent when he was younger, that's one of the many reasons his parents agreed to let him stay in Goseong. Too impulsive. He had no way with talking, his fists were faster, more clear but it's been two years since he got into an actual fight. He tries not to anymore, for the work he does, he doesn't want to be a bad influence on the community.

Wonbin is incredibly late, as expected. Sohee and Anton are already sweating and tired when he arrives freshly bathed. There isn't much to do to begin with but consistency is good for when tourists start coming. Eunseok hates them because they're always dirty and gross and they take plants and wildlife they're not supposed to get out of the beach but Sohee knows they're good for the economy.

Still Wonbin does help out, he moves things around and complains and Anton clears his area faster than anyone. Sohee helps other people and sometimes goes to Eunseok to ask for more chores to do. 

It's about to be 5:36 PM when Shotaro finally arrives. Anton reads the time off his watch, and the others giggle, but Shotaro doesn't.

They keep working, and it isn't long until they finish. Cleaning day is fun. They don't often get to hangout, chat, and learn gossip from the lousy old ladies from the outskirts of town.

There's a kind of after-cleaning get-together. Business owners usually organize them. Just grilled meat and some drinks. Eunseok oversees that trash too.

They're sitting on the sand, a large group of people of different ages. Mark is there, —Mark Lee is nice, kind, and older than Sohee. He works with him, and this is his last year in Goseong. He lives on the edge of the neighboring city, still small but with more people, more schools, and more jobs. That's why he's leaving.— sitting between Anton and Sohee. He's talking and smiling at Sohee while he completely ignores Anton, not because he's rude, just because he's taking advantage of seeing Sohee outside of work. Wonbin takes a picture, and when he shows it to Sohee, it's to show him he sent it to Shohei. They weren't even friends when Shohei was here. They're online buddies at best but terrifying their friends is a personality trait they share. Shohei was much nicer in person anyway, he's a bully by texts. Shohei responds within seconds, with laughing emojis and a vulgar message about a threesome.

While Anton asks Mark some questions, Sohee looks at Eunseok from afar, he's not with them, he never is in those types of activities or events, too busy chatting with important people. Like a local politician. Eunseok's skin is sun kissed, beautifully tanned and shiny. He has a beer in hand while he talks to the sheriff by the bonefire. When Eunseok notices him the older man smiles, briefly without stopping conversation. The faint rays of sunshine above his head. He looks like an angel.

The evening moves on. Mark leaves early, not before inviting everyone to visit his home in the city once he leaves Goseong for good. He hugs Sohee quickly, and his friends whistle and tease about it as the man walks away. The beach in Goseong is beautiful, the low sun illuminating the edge of the sea, the waves approaching the shore seeming to drag the light with them, drawing it to Sohee. This is something Sohee watches very often; sometimes he escapes from the others to admire it, the entire hour the phenomenon lasts without taking his eyes off the water. Before, he used to do it alone, but Eunseok got worried once it took him hours to get home and no one knew where he was. It reminds him of his mum. She also used to visit the beach whenever she could, when Sohee was in school, when his father was working, at the bar, with the other woman.

Sohee would like to share his life with his parents. They didn't give him siblings, and it seems unfair that the memories he has of his family are one-dimensional. His own, without any comment or different point of view. His mum is dead and his father is far away. What would they think of his friends? They're all adults and hardworking. What would they think of his friendship with Eunseok? Surely his mum would like him even more now, and his father? Well... everyone knows how Daeyoung is when it comes to Eunseok. He should be grateful that he took care of Sohee when he left him with nothing.

Ah, the beach makes him think. Normally he can get away from his thoughts, but it's been long since he took the time to do so. Everything is so gloomy today, so who can really judge? Sohee knows his friends are like that too, especially Shotaro and Eunseok, who had different things going on before. It's normal for Eunseok to stare into space, but sometimes his gaze is different. He thinks of his parents, whom he hasn't seen in years, and of his brother, whom he isn't close to because he's fourteen years younger and probably doesn't remember what it's like to have a hyung. Shotaro is occasionally quiet too, when he remembers Sungchan's friendship, what they had between them, something that was gone before it began. Sohee feels guilty about that even though he knows that Shotaro rejected Sungchan's actions. It's all just a big mess. Their past. That summer.

His friend is quiet today too, he steals little glances at Sohee and barely answers when other people talk his way. He normally thrives in this type of social environment, moms adore him, fathers want to talk to him about cars and sports. But maybe he isn't in a mood right now and just went because he said he would. Sohee won't ask because Shotaro normally finds consolation in his own mind, if he's still weird tomorrow Sohee'll say something. For now he catches Shotaro's eyes and lifts his eyebrows. A small check in. Are you okay? Taro just nods lightly.

The beach has that kind of effect on people. They aren't tourists; they see it every day, and while it's a fun place, they hardly ever hang out there anyway, mostly at Sunz or Sohee and Eunseok's house. The tide brings back so many memories. That's why they go there to vent all their frustrations and sorrows, to let them wash away with the waves, but they always flow back. Everything always returns to Goseong. Seunghan did, Shohei will, his father could. Everything good about Sohee is in here, and everything bad is bound to be back. He hopes that at least Sungchan gets to stay away.

"What a weird day." Anton says. And they all nod and agree.

It's just getting dark when Sohee decides he wants to leave too. It's Wednesday, and he has to work early tomorrow, unlike Wonbin, who got up from his seat half an hour ago and went to sit with the old men, who automatically opened the hard plastic cooler they brought and offered him a beer. With Wonbin's pretty face, you'd think he had more refined tastes. He's lucky his father isn't here.

The way back is not long, now he doesn't have to detour so much, his house is near the coast, but he likes to walk so the route he takes is different, the main street that connects the docks and downtown. He can't always be alone, there is always someone with him, Eunseok, Shotaro, Anton, Wonbin, even Shohei in his insistent text messages. Back then he needed a babysitter, Eunseok or another of his friends, he couldn't self-medicate or take pills without supervision, he wasn't allowed to spend more than ten minutes in the bathroom alone, but locking himself in a room is no longer a concern for the others as it was seven years ago.

It stared out of nothing, or so Sohee thought, while laying down with Shohei in one of their little cuddling sessions —It was normal, for the five of them to do it, but after his mum died and their two friends left it was hard for Sohee to be vulnerable in any way, after the thing Sungchan had done, it felt like he couldn't trust no one. Still he tried to keep doing it, only with Shohei for now. He couldn't try with Shotaro just yet.—that he had asked Sohee if he ever thought about killing himself. Eunseok always knew and assumed what Sohee was going through, he was pretty assertive too but he never asked those types of questions. Heavy questions that would make him uncomfortable. But apparently he'd given a much bigger answer than anticipated because Shohei got worried, so much so he told all his friends and Eunseok's family. Just in case. He doesn't even remember what he said exactly but it must've been bad for them to react that way.

Sohee's not like that anymore, never truly was but they themselves have grown accustomed to not leaving him alone, always accompanied. One of the many habits that remained when Sohee's life changed. His overprotective friends, worrying about him daily even though there is no real reason other than past experiences. 

Maybe his friends are right about it, since he gets so gloomy when no one is talking to him and he's on his own.

The pave is hot, air crispy. He's sticky from all the sweating and work he did earlier but the weather does not upsets him, he's used to it, he's used to everything in this town. He loves it too, just as it is. 

The road gets darker the longer he walks, and there's an archway of big trees that hide a lot of the landscape once you go through it. It's a pretty popular spot around there, at day with it's wild flowers and at night with the fireflies iliminating in between the branches. In the evening it just obscures the road with the big shadow it casts. Maybe he should take a picture and send it to Shohei, he always found the middle ground most beautiful than the extremes. 

When he's fishing out his phone is when he hears it, a soft whistling sound, there's someone coming his way from the other side, it really is dark in this part of the extensive street. The sun isn't even set down fully yet. He'll take the picture some other time. Doesn't wanna disturb a neighbour. The shadow that come towards him is lanky and Sohee doesn't think much of it until he can distinguish who is it. 

Yes, of course. Who else could it be, he's just that lucky to find the person he leasts wants to see right now. And even though he's thought about talking to Seunghan he hadn't done it. He couldn't yet but now he doesn't have the time to think what to do, if he should flee through the bushes or just walk past him and ignore him completely because Seunghan makes him out too, stands right infront of him, some meters away. Sohee is going to fucking kill himself. His friends were right after all. He is sucidal.

Hong Seunghan's been back for half a week, it was just a matter of time, truly.

Seunghan looks at him in disbelief. Shocked. As if he hadn't expected to run into Sohee, even though Sohee is involved in so many things in town, even though Sohee has and will always live here. Maybe Seunghan has also gotten used to not expecting his presence, regardless of whether he's back or not.

Goseong-gun is such a small place at the end of the day.

"Sohee... Hi..." In a gasp, out of breath even though he's just walking, his smile stretching but unsure, he stumbles a little when he takes another step. Sohee does not move. It's the first thing Seunghan says to Sohee after many years of no contact and yet Sohee can feel the warmth, the hopefullness in Seunghan demanor. Fuck. It was so obvious then, is that the reason why Sohee can tell inmediately what Seunghan is thinking? He looks at Sohee from head to toe, his face thoughtful but happy. He doesn't analyze or judge, he's just looking, seeing what's changed over the years, as if getting used to the fact that this is how Sohee looks now, making that face that Sohee knows means Seunghan finds something cute. How could he not know it when it was mostly directed at him?

Seunghan is still in love with him. Anyone could tell. Even in the darkening atmosphere. 

He has too much history with Seunghan for their reunion to be on a random gravel street that connects the main streets of town to the sandy sea. Fuck. He doesn't even use this street that often. There's a short way home but he wanted to walk more, a longer path so he could feel nostalgic on his own but it seems one of the many topics he has found. Seunghan's parents were at the beach, Sohee saw them, of course he knows them but it's been a while since Sohee even relates them to the person standing in front of him. Of course Seunghan wants to accompany his parents on a fun activity at the beach, it's already kind of late and Seunghan is a good son but to find him here, right when Sohee is walking home alone, damn it, he should have let Anton accompany him when he offered. Instead he's here, sharing the same side of the street with Seunghan, he can smell his perfume, or his deodorant, whatever it is that he smells like. Sohee feels like gagging. It's all too much. He can't face him alone. He needs Shotaro or Wonbin so they can speak for him, he needs Anton so he can ignore Seunghan and drag Sohee by the hand. He needs Eunseok, just in case Sungchan is lurking in the shadows and this is a trap of some kind.

"I saw Shotaro earlier..." It's what Seunghan says. All in a sigh, like he can't doesn't want to waste his luck by finding Sohee, by talking to him.

Shotaro? Did they talk a lot? Did they reconcile so soon? Is that why he was acting weird? Guilty that he could forgive Seunghan with just a few words? Without asking Sohee. Fucking Shit. No. No. Shotaro can do whatever he wants, Seunghan was his friend too, but. But Sohee would have talked to Shotaro first. Sohee would never talk to someone who's hurt his friends behind their backs. He could have said something a earlier. But again. It's Seunghan. It's just Seunghan. Not Sungchan. Seunghan isn't Sungchan. Sohee always struggles to separate them; the two are tied together in memories, even though Sungchan's best friend back then was Sohee. No one else. Sohee. Seunghan's best friend was Shohei. Not Sungchan.

"He didn't say much," He adds after Sohee's silence, as if he's read his mind.

"Oh?" Is what he replies and doesn't say anything else. Sohee's heart is racing. Jumping around inside so hard, he can feel himself moving slightly to the sides. Maybe he's just shaking.

"Shohei is not here" Conversational. He pockets his hands, then takes them out again and cracks his knuckles. He's nervous as Sohee is. They're standing in the middle of the street, sun hanging incredibly low. Sohee didn't bring his glasses so it's kinda blurry now.

"Japan."

"Hmm..." Seunghan is not one for small talk. Not with Sohee at least. "I saw you around a couple of times." Seunghan says, his demeanor shy. So he knew Sohee was still here. Of course he did. He probably asked about him too. How could Sohee ever doubt it. "But I wasn't sure you'd want to talk to me, after everything."

Yeah, same here. But the decision is made for him. The universe and Goseong's wind have spoken or whatever. He's quiet. Speechless as Seunghan just stares and stares and speaks. Sohee can tell Seunghan wants to say many things but can't quite summon the words.

"I saw Eunseok first though, when I arrived." It seems like he wants to roll his eyes but won't. He was never mean about Eunseok to Sohee. So when Sohee talked to Eunseok he was already aware. That guy. Sohee is beating his ass as soon as he gets home. Acting all confused and worried. "Told me to wait on you, if you did wanted to talk."

But he hasn't done it becase fate has brought them here, both walking alone at noon, going opposites sides because that's how it always used to be, even if Sohee moved houses, some things just stay the same. Like the funny feeling inside of himself everytime he spoke to Seunghan, stronger now than when they were kids but it's always been there. Seunghan is still talkative too. Sohee hasn't said more than a few words and Seunghan already greeted him and explained himself, he's already shown the common jealousy towards Eunseok, he's left Sohee breathless, just in the minute they've been standing.

"I've missed you, Ddori. More than anyone." He sounds sincere too, his voice soft and truthful. How can he call him that? How can Seunghan just say those things out of nowhere and expect Sohee to not crash out. Seunghan is a let down in their past but still Sohee feels warm all over. He wants to cry. He missed him too. 

Should Sohee ask? There are things connected to Seunghan that hold a heavier weight. He can ask, just to be sure. So he's prepare if anything weird eventually happens. Seunghan has always been honest, surely he won't lie to Sohee, would he? 

"Is he?" Half a question and it makes Seunghan close those meters in between them, he looks worried. Everyone always does when Sungchan is implied. 

"He's not. They're in Seoul." Fast, reassuring, he clarifies that no, Sungchan is not here and that he won't be. He's still far away, just like his father is.

Seunghan seems thoughtful and Sohee doesn't allow words out of his mouth. He doesn't know what to say. He won't say he missed Seunghan and he doesn't want to fight. 

Now that Seunghan is in front of him he doesn't wanna talk to him. Even if the tug is strong enough to pull the earth out of orbit, it's not strong enough to make Sohee form a sentence. 

"I've missed you." He repeats as if Sohee didn't hear it the first time, does he think he'll say it back?

Sohee doesn't know how to react, he really has no idea. What should he do? Hug Seunghan? Hit him? He's very thin, surely Sohee can throw one with precision. But the other boy sees him with that glimmer in his eyes, faint but present.

How many things has Seunghan done in Seoul? what's he doing here? What the hell can Sohee say to Seunghan after seven years without sounding like someone who clings so tightly to his past that it plunges him into misery?

"Where are your friends?" He doesn't mean to say it, the implication that he also knew Seunghan was here, that he's been avoiding him at all costs. That he cares, probably as dumb lovesick Seunghan does.

"At my house. Uh... We were drinking, but my mom called me to come and see some old neighbors." Seunghan smiles, ducking his head shyly. He looks so cute. He didn't take up so much space in Sohee's mind before; he was only in the present, but considering what they've been through and having him here, it's overwhelming.

Still, Sohee smiles back and looks around. He doesn't have much to say to him.

"Sohee... I really do wanna talk... about... if you let me." Half a sentence, chopped in the important parts. Yeah, it was expected, but Sohee is not sure, what would it mean? If he did let Seunghan speak to him about it, if Seunghan apologized. Sohee can't let go of the past, he doesn't want to but... It's Seunghan, not Sungchan. It's just Seunghan and Eunseok said it was fine. What does he lose if his family is already broken? And while his friendship with Seunghan came to an abrupt end at seventeen it doesn't mean he can't have it back. Sohee is hurt, has been and always will be. That thing ruined his life but he's built it back up, he's changed. He lives happily in a place he loves, with people that adore him. If Seunghan is hard to treat Sohee can simply ignore him for as long as it takes, can withdraw the friendship easily, can make Eunseok and Anton beat the shit out of him if needed. 

"Okay..." He agrees with a fine line of voice, the word barely getting out, his mouth feels acid, he wants to spit out the feelings he's having and has had for years, fermented with hatred and melancholic sadness.

He expects Seunghan's face to lit up, but instead he seems grateful, a small, shy smile on his sharp features, his eyes nervous and unsure. He looks so soft, like Sohee giving him a chance to truly talk is the only thing that can fulfill his soul. Sohee feels a bit uncomfortable, the tenderness in Seunghan's eyes is too raw. Is it the alcohol he's had? Did he not met anyone back in Seoul? Why is he still in love with Sohee?

"Thank you, Sohee. Could we talk tomorrow? I have to meet my parents and I'd rather not be so tipsy when we do it." A smile, he's always smiling, a tiny thing, bashful and timid. 

"Yeah."

They exchange numbers, quietly while the sun finally settles. Sohee runs home after, through the darkness and the small stones and dust that rises under his sneakers as they scrape the ground.

Eunseok doesn't come home until later at night, and when he finds Sohee lying in the grass and gazing at the sky he worries. Eunseok sits down next to him, looking at Sohee with that quiet stare he always has on his handsome face.

"What are you doing?" He asks, taking Sohee's hand in his own, gently caressing his fingers over his knuckles and joints.

"Why didn't you tell me you talked to Seunghan?" It's not an accusation, nor a complaint. Eunseok is just doing what's best for Sohee; he always does. It doesn't bother him that much; he just wants to know why everyone seems to have spoken to Hong Seunghan except him.

"I assumed you would eventually... I didn't want you to get overwhelmed, that's why I asked him for time." His voice is calm. Eunseok always has that carefree air in his voice, in his eyes, and in his actions. A stereotype of an unemployed person who doesn't have to worry about money and lives in a beautiful place. If Sohee didn't know him well enough, he'd say he's lazy. But Eunseok is as passionate as he is nonchalant; he's passionate about the well-being of the town and it's people, passionate about his interests, passionate about his friendships, passionate about Sohee, more than anything. Eunseok could take control of Sohee's life, and it would be a happy and full life because he understands him that well, his personality and his problems.

Sohee knows why Eunseok spoke to Seunghan the moment he stepped onto the sands of Goseong, he knows why he didn't say anything to Sohee until days later. Sohee needs time to accept that someone vital has returned, and he needed time to work up the courage to talk to him too. Time doesn't fly by in Goseong, but his chance to fix things does. He doesn't know how long Seunghan will be here, he doesn't think it will be for long; his dream was always to leave. And Sohee wants to be upset, angry, he wants to complain, and he can't do that if he doesn't see him, if he doesn't confront him.

Seunghan isn't Sungchan. No matter how blurred the line is. Seunghan's decision to leave was out of necessity. What Sungchan did is completely different. Rotted with evil and malice.

"I don't know if I should..."

If there's anyone who understands the full extent of his feelings toward him, it's Eunseok. Eunseok, who lived through it too.

"Mhmm... I wouldn't speak to him again in my life, he knew what Sungchan did to you when he left." Straightforward. Sometimes Eunseok's words are abrupt and triggering but his advice is sincere, the best to make you come to your senses, not everyone likes it, Eunseok never tells you what you want to hear but what you need. "He betrayed you, but I can't say he shouldn't have left... He was young and foolish I guess." Understanding. Not only with Sohee, but with everyone, even with Seunghan.

Sohee thinks about it more than he'd like, about why Seunghan decided to ignore Sohee when it all started, the month everything went to hell. When the truth came out, Sohee had gone out with Seunghan the day before. His friend was happy. He told him how he couldn't wait to go to the city with Sungchan and his mother. It was something they'd been planning for a few weeks, but Sohee didn't know that what Seunghan meant was that they would leave Goseong. "Sungchan and I want to tell everyone together, so don't tell the others." But that conversation with the rest of their friends never happened because a different surprise was revealed the next day. Sohee had distanced himself from Seunghan then, because there was no way he didn't know about Sungchan and everything he'd been doing. Seunghan didn't seek him out, and when Sohee confronted him and gave him a chance to defend himself, he didn't. Instead, he kept his words to himself, his eyes on the floor. His suitcase was packed in his blue room, which only Sohee was invited to before because Seunghan wanted more than one place just for the two of them. Now he wonders if Seunghan knew or if he just felt guilty and ashamed for deciding to go with Sungchan anyway. Sohee wouldn't have stopped him if he'd explained the truth. But Seunghan didn't answer, and the last time he saw him was between blurry eyes and pure adrenaline in front of Sunz, on the street where they shared their first kiss, where he had confessed so many times that Sohee stopped taking him seriously. The last time he saw him was in the shadows of the buildings, leaving with the cause of his suffering in his hands.

A golden ticket in Seunghan's life. An apocalyptic writing in Sohee's.

Eunseok gently squeezes his face, bringing Sohee back to the present, pulling him from his memories. "But you're different from me..." He is.

Sohee thought he'd never be able to forgive him, but they haven't even spoken about it yet, and he already feels his heart softening. Always ready to accept back what no longer belongs to him. He'd accept his father too, if he had the chance. He feels the only exception is Sungchan.

"Whatever you choose, I'll be here for you." Sohee knows. He knows. "I just need to know you're fine." 

There have been times when Eunseok has begged him to share his thoughts, worried and helpless. His feelings and the world inside him are mostly just for himself, hidden in the ugly corners of his mind. Sohee doesn't talk, doesn't express himself, used to bottling things up until the edges unravel and the feelings consume him. He's even good at ignoring that too. Used to feeling nothing, to feeling everything. Some kind of mess he created years ago.

But Eunseok doesn't have to worry, Sohee will be fine. It's just Seunghan.

Chapter Text

From Shohei:)

So he's there

me:

he's been here for like five days, 

From Shohei:)

Ik

He's tried to kiss you yet? 

me: 

no, we just talked yesterday night

From Shohei:)

He said anything weird?

me:

nah, the vibe was weird but he himself wasnt

From Shohei:)

Are you okay?

me: 

everyone keeps asking me that

From Shohei:)

And why would that be

me: 

i gave him my number

From Shohei:)

okay? has he called?

me:

no

From Shohei:)

Do you want him to call you?

me:

idk, not anymore ig

From Shohei:)

Ig?

me: 

yesterday I wanted to but like

From Shohei:)

Not anymore 

me:

yeah

I wanna ask shotaro first 

From Shohei:)

For his opinion?

me:

yes

From Shohei:)

Do you want my opinion?

me:

sure

From Shohei:)

I think you should, he's different

me:

howd you know?

From Shohei:)

I stalk them on socials

him

me: 

you already said them

From Shohei:)

Yeah, them

me:

mmm

From Shohei:)

Don't unblock him.

me: 

ok

you can't know he's different just by his Instagram 

From Shohei:)

Well, maybe I meant he doesn't seem different at all

And he's always been nice

me:

yeah, before he fucked up

From Shohei:)

We all make mistakes 

me:

you say that because he was your favorite 

Shohei:)

He loved you, so if he wants to talk surely he thought it through 

me:

I think you're projecting 

you can reach out if you want u know?

you don't have to do things for me anymore 

From Shohei:

I'm not worried about that. I know I can make my own choices.

me: 

so talk to him if you miss him that much 

From Shohei: 

[Incoming Call...]

Sohee groans loudly. He thinks about not answering, but it's Shohei, so if he doesn't, he'll just tell one of the others and that's a hassle that can be avoided. He answers the call while rolling his eyes, not greeting Shohei or saying anything. If he wants to annoy him so much, let him start the conversation.

"I do miss him," Shohei says, and Sohee feels a pang of jealousy, a bit of annoyance. He knows they miss Seunghan, Sungchan too, but hearing it always causes an uncomfortable feeling in him, as if he's entitled to their friendship. He feels that if Shotaro and Shohei think about it too much, they'll decide they no longer want to maintain Sohee's friendship, but rather that of the other two. Even though for years they've shown him that this thought couldn't be further from the truth. They chose Sohee, after all. The decisions have already been made. "I know I don't need to ask your permission but I don't want to talk to him if it's not something you want too."

Sohee talks with Shohei daily. —More than Wonbin does. Shotaro only sends him reels. So Sohee and Shohei are pretty close, they have been since they were kids, and the fact that there's a distance between them makes communicating easier, or so to say. Shohei is someone Sohee can talk to as things are happening. His life is simple, but his thoughts sometimes form turmoils he can't share. It takes him weeks to gather the courage to open up to Eunseok, other times the problem dims and the words are left unsaid.

"Seunghan didn't hurt me. I wasn't the one with the world upside down." Sohee shifts as he stands up from the couch in the living room and walking the few meters to his room. He opens the sliding closet Eunseok and Shotaro installed for him and gets in. Between the clothes and the darkness. So if someone enters his house, they won't see him so vulnerable. He doesn't cry, but his eyes sting as they adjust to the black surrounding him.

"Mmm..." Is all the sound he makes.

"Sohee... I know that hurt you so much, but it's been a while. You have loyal friends now, a good support system. You're not alone, and I think you should let go of that pain a little."

He thinks so too. Sohee is weighed down by resentment; it bothers him to see glimpses of Seunghan around his beloved town, to relive the memories and not be able to get close to him because there's a deeper feeling than nostalgia.

"I'm not asking you to forgive him, but try to do what's best for you, not just now, but in the future as well. I don't want you to live your whole life in so much pain."

"I don't want to soften." He admits, his hand reaching for one of the hanging shirts, the hook clicking against the metal tube. "I don't want to forgive Seunghan and then have Sungchan come back and want to forgive him too."

The tears pour down, Sohee doesn't quite know how to be defenseless, couldn't be for some time, but now he leads a quiet, good life. And although wanting to protect himself from everyone is part of his personality, sometimes he can accept that kind of help, he can talk to Shohei now, through the phone without feeling shame or guilt.

What would become of Sohee if he ever decided to forgive Sungchan? He'd kill himself, for sure. To be away from Sungchan. Closer to his mother.

Shohei remains silent for a while, listening to him cry without wanting to interrupt. He's no stranger to seeing him like this. There are three people on this earth who have seen Sohee vanish into tears, and Shohei is one of them.

"I get it..." A pause, searching for words to say. He's always been careful with them, at first because his korean was difficult to fully understand, and then when he mastered the language, it was because Shohei is simply a considerate, good, kind person. More than Eunseok, more than Sohee, more than Seunghan back then. "I think if Sungchan was back, I'd fly there in a day at most."

Sohee chuckles.

"I know you'd never be comfortable with Sungchan; it's not something I'd encourage... But I know you loved Seunghan differently... I know the anger you have toward him is less... what he did was less."

"Yes." It's the truth.

"You don't have to talk to Seunghan if you don't want to, Sohee. I'm sorry."

"I know." Just as Shohei decides for himself, Sohee knows no one is forcing him to do anything. It's just difficult. After trying for so long to ignore everything, to pretend they don't exist. But how long can he pretend, and for how much longer if Seunghan is already there? He's already taken the first step.

He still wants to talk to Shotaro. Only because he thought badly of him yesterday, and it's surely something his friend needs too. They haven't spoken about Seunghan since they found out he's back. They haven't even considered what to do with him. If Seunghan met with Sohee, it's surely only a matter of time before the same happens to Shotaro. Sohee wants to know what he thinks, what he plans to do, if he, like Shohei, also misses him so transparently.

"Can you come with me to Taro's?" He asks Eunseok. An hour after his call with Shohei.

"What for?" He normally doesn't question anything, but he wants Sohee to tell him in words what he needs. Sometimes he wonders if Eunseok goes to the only psychologist in town and asks her how to talk to Sohee. Silly. Sohee isn't broken anymore. Maybe it's advice he was given seven years ago and still remembers.

Eunseok is sitting on his knees on the floor, clothes all around him, folding them, or so he says because he's been there for half an hour and he's not even halfway done. Later, he has to clean the floors. He always starts with Sohee's house since it's the one they use the most, then moves on to his own.

"I want to talk to him about Seunghan." In one breath. Eunseok looks at him with a raised eyebrow and a serious expression. "None off your business."

And Sohee gets up from his spot, lies down on the clothes, and hugs the older man's torso. It's rare for Sohee to start skinship. It's not something he naturally feels, but Eunseok has been worried since he got home and saw Sohee wiping his tears and hanging up. He didn't ask anything then, but he clearly wants to know which of the many things is bothering Sohee now.

"Relax, kid." Running his lanky fingers through his thick hair, Eunseok sometimes spends the afternoon untangling the knots. "What about Seunghan? Is it because of yesterday?"

"I just... I want to know if he wants to talk to him. I need his opinion. Shohei already gave me his, and so did you."

"Taro's going to tell you what you want to hear, Sohee. Especially since he's probably afraid to talk to him, too." Sohee turns to look at him, his lips pink and eyes sincere. If Eunseok thinks that, then he's probably right. He's gotten to know Shotaro very intimately.

"Shohei told me to talk to him." Almost.

"Of course he did." His hands move from his hair to the nape of his neck, slowly massaging down until they're on his back where they move in circles over the skin. "They are going to want you two to fix things as soon as possible. It is Seunghan, after all."

Like in the beginning. When the whole town found out and Shotaro and Shohei had been skeptical. Even though Sohee had the proof, they had been slow to accept it. It's the reason Sohee and Taro barely talked for a few weeks until Shohei intervened and forced them to reconcile. That's why it took Sohee so long to open up to Shotaro. That's why Sohee secretly considers Wonbin closer to him even though he's been Shotaro's friend all his life. Their relationship has improved, incredibly. Sohee doesn't doubt Shotaro now; he knows they have an unconditional friendship, but there was once a time, and Sohee has never been someone that can forget at ease. Forgive, maybe.

"They're not forcing me." He defends. No one is telling him what to do. Sohee knows. It's just that everyone has their lives and memories intertwined. Seunghan wasn't just Sohee's friend. Eunseok knew him differently after all. For years, Eunseok saw jealousy reflected in every word and look he received, he knew a serious and distant boy when in reality, Seunghan was the sun. Eunseok worries about Sohee, but the other two worry about both, no matter what Seunghan did or didn't do, no matter if they chose Sohee in the end. No one can erase childhood and adolescence. Not even themselves.

"Okay." And he takes one of the hands he has on Sohee to move a pile of folded pants to the side. Eunseok never fights, not when Sohee yells at him, not when he makes him clean both houses and the yard without helping him. Sohee sometimes feels useless, like a husband in a normal relationship would be. Eunseok likes to do it, to clean, keeping their space tidy. He says that when he does it, Sohee sees him differently. Whatever that means.

“Are you going with me?” He says this against Eunseok’s stomach, breathing on his white T-shirt. He’s warm all over. Eunseok is always so mushy. Every now and then, Sohee thinks he might sink into his skinny body, he’s so soft. Almost like the velvet of Sohee’s favorite sweater. “I don’t want to go alone, and you’re the most reliable.”

Kind of.

"Thanks, I try to be." Eunseok is usually confident. He doesn't have anything to prove to anyone, he doesn't excuse his money, he doesn't act like he doesn't deserve it. Not all the time, at least. Sometimes he gets weird about the privileges he has in life. His socioeconomic position, his friendship with Sohee. He doesn't take anything for granted. Sohee wonders if he learned this from his parents or if it's because he's been alone for so long that he doesn't know what truly belongs to him. Maybe that's why he gives it away when asked, spends it around town. Sohee wishes he could give him more in return, something Eunseok could feel ownership over.

"Will you go?"

"You know I will."

Everything in Goseong is relatively close. They have a car, but they both like to walk. Sohee wears his sneakers, but Eunseok goes through life in sandals that he won't change for anything, no matter how many times Wonbin insists. —Sohee gave them to him two years ago; they had a picture of palm trees on the insoles, but they've long since faded from the wear and tear Eunseok gives them daily.— 

Eunseok is touchy by nature, always touching Sohee. His cheeks, his arms, his back. Anywhere he can put his hands, and although it's always discreet he never misses the opportunity, his face lights up whenever Sohee returns the gesture in public. Sohee is more about teasing him—a little poke, a little shove. Eunseok knows what they mean anyway. It's one of the many things he finds adorable about Sohee: him teasing him with jokes, making up nicknames, mistreating him, and imposing obligations on him. Like an old married couple, he says.

So it's normal for the older man to hold his hand while they walk, and Sohee accepts it because of the situation. He's nervous, not knowing what to really expect from Shotaro. Eunseok is right; of course Shotaro wants to fix things. Who wouldn't want the most caring friend back in their lives? Only someone who'd never met Seunghan would think otherwise. But Sohee has so many doubts, so many regrets that he doesn't feel capable of making the decision on his own. And although he knows he won't find the right answer from his friends, asking anyway will buy him time. To delay the inevitable or whatever. Maybe he's hoping Shotaro hates Seunghan a little more than Shohei does, hoping he won't be as passive about the situation as Eunseok. Sohee wants someone like himself. Damaged, angry, confused. 

With one hand intertwined with Sohee's and a lit cigarette in the other, Eunseok has changed a lot in the last couple of years. He was never a bad person, he just lost control from time to time, more so than the other boys his age in town. His parents' wealth always helped, which is why the other kids didn't say anything about the beatings, and the school never suspended him. It's one of the very few reasons Eunseok never really had any friends of his own. Everyone knew him for two things: being a troublemaker and his family name. He's known differently by the neighbors now. Sohee is happy that Eunseok has found balance, even though the fights never really bothered him.

Sohee has changed too. He's had many different personalities, but he admits that he likes himself. He's been able to live with his misfortunes and be happy. His friends would surely like him to let them pamper him, but Sohee prefers to avoid that. And although he's someone who's content with what he has, this issue is bringing out the worst in him. An echo of what he felt that cursed summer. Sohee doesn't think he'll ever feel as heavy and miserable as he did then. A feeling that kills. He doesn't want to feel like that again, so that's why he's so closed off, wondering over and over if even being near Seunghan is a good idea.

Whatever, he really can't be second-guessing when they're so close to the workshop so he sets his eyes on his shoes, the pavement and the sky. In the blocks around their house, there's more sand than asphalt, granules on the edges of the streets and sidewalks. The closer they get to the town center, the less the amount. Sohee's skin is burning, and his palms sweat while clutch against Eunseok's. No one around here uses umbrellas, even though the sun is extremely hot. Sohee is glad to have something to focus on other than the enormous problem he's carrying. The sun. It's plain summer and his skin is tanning.

Seunghan looked extremely pale the times he's seen him. Snowy flesh so out of place. It's clear as day he doesn't belong here, not anymore. 

"Oh?" He hears the questioning sound coming from Eunseok and looks up to see. They're in front of the garage where they always find Shotaro. He's there, looking at Sohee with anguished eyes and beads of sweat on his forehead. Seunghan is standing right next to him. His cap on backwards, when Sohee's gaze falls on him, he retreats a little, takes half a step back, and leans slightly so that Taro's body covers his. Hiding from Sohee.

Of course. Of course they're here together. Sohee was looking for words that Shotaro wasn't going to say. How foolish.

Sohee tries to turn back, pulling on Eunseok's hand, but he won't let go. Stupid Eunseok, why did he suddenly become so mature? Preventing Sohee from leaving this place without talking first. He feels as if he has caught Shotaro cheating. Everything Sohee thought was true, Shotaro forgave him with a few simple words. Desperate to return to the past. His skin feels itchy, his bones heavy. He reaches out again to pull his hand away from Eunseok's grasp, and this time he lets him. Sohee doesn't know what to say, doesn't know if he should. Neither of them has uttered a word, but the sight before him simply bothers him immensely. He had also spoken with Seunghan yesterday; it was only fair that Shotaro got to do it too, but... I don't want to talk to him if it's not something you want. That's what Shohei said, why doesn't Shotaro feel the same?

“Sohee...” Taro's voice is gentle, as if he were speaking to a child. He always talks to him like that, and usually it's tender, but now Sohee feels like he's being mocked. Maybe Shohei can be casual about this whole deal because he isn't here, he's hundreds of kilometers away in Japan where he doesn't gets to see Seunghan's grown face but Shotaro does. He can see with his own two eyes the way Seunghan has changed, how his face has thinned over time, yet he still has the same eyebrows, the same lips they used to joke about because every time he spoke it seemed like he was asking for a kiss. That's a core memory for Sohee at least. "We were just talking... I asked—"

"I don't need to know." He says it harsher than needed. He feels saliva pooling at the back of his throat, but he can't swallow it. He's choking. Shotaro doesn't really have to explain anything, and Sohee feels guilty for demanding so much from his friends. They don't owe him anything; they've already done enough and more for him. He needs to control himself. He knew this was the most likely thing to happen. It's the natural order of Goseong; just because it was disrupted years ago doesn't mean it won't return to its original state eventually. "It's fine."

"I asked him to speak to you first..." It sounds like pleading and Sohee feels like shit.

"We're all here already, so..." The people who lived it are present. Eunseok, Shotaro, Seunghan, Sohee. Everyone who can be here is here.

"I was going to call you... today." Seunghan comes out of hiding, looks directly at Sohee, no one else. Sohee doesn't know what to make of him. He looks weird. Worn out, his long hair flat under the cap. He's still pretty.

"Okay." Sohee shrugs, he doesn't continue the conversation, doesn't ask what he wants to say. Sohee just hears the words, but doesn't really process them. Automatically, thrown back into mode settings so he doesn't explode. He's feeling too much, and he has to put his mind back in place so he can feel nothing instead. This is not even that bad. It's just Seunghan.

He knew this was going to happen.

"I... Can we... Talk, just the two of us?" And Sohee doesn't really want to. Why does Seunghan need them to be alone? Maybe he wants to fall to the ground, grab his leg tightly, and beg while he's lying there? That would be interesting to see, although not really.

Isn't this too soon? Too sudden? He's been standing here no more than a few minutes and Seunghan already wants to talk, to be left alone. Sohee can't. He can't do it, not now, he's not strong enough.

He needs more time. It's been a week, not even a full one, since he's been here and he wants to fix everything immediately. Doesn't he know Sohee? Doesn't he know he can't face it so easily? Seunghan is desperate to mend the connection with quick-drying glue when the broken pieces of the past have cut Sohee's hands for years.

Sohee doesn't want to, but Goseong never lets him get away with anything, always pushing them together as if their reconciliation was part of destiny. What did Sohee do to make the town he loves so much cause him so many problems that he can't ignore? 

So many thoughts swirling in his mind, and yet Sohee will never be ready.

He'll talk to Hong Seunghan, so he can aid his red wounds, so he stops bleeding out.

"Can... Can it be at my house?" Sohee will feel safer. They can't have this conversation just anywhere anyway. He doesn't want to do it in front of Shotaro. There's something intimate about all this that Sohee wants to keep to himself. 

"Of course. Anywhere you want." All the words Seunghan has addressed to him have been spoken in a very specific tone. One he almost never hears, even when he is spoiled by the people around him. Seunghan tries feverishly to be accommodating. He needs to talk to Sohee more than Sohee himself feels.

This is all happening so fast and—God. Sohee is a fucking mess. How the hell has he managed to survive with this? His thoughts are so confused and vague. Contradicting between what should be, what he feels, and what he fabricates inside himself. Sohee has never been a stable person; he wants to explode.

But he doesn't, and he won't. This years-long problem is due already. For the sake of his friends, of himself. Right now he wants to get it over with, he wants to go back to not seing Seunghan at all. But Seunghan is here and he does wanna talk, and Sohee can only accept, even when no one truly excpects it from him. 

What we own to each other. Shotaro and Shohei gave him everything, it's only fair he gives something as heavy back. Those are excuses he forms in his head are no one else's to see and yet he likes to create them. Excuses. That's what they are. He tries to hide his truth when he doesn't have to.

He gestures with his hand. After you. It's merely an invitation to whoever takes it.

Seunghan walks ahead of them without saying a word. Eunseok is by Sohee's side. He could wander off to Sunz, he could stay with Shotaro. But they both know he must be near when their talk is over. Sohee can't be alone after that, he won't want to. It's truly convenient they know each other so well that Eunseok doesn't have to be told.

Seunghan doesn't ask for directions, doesn't even glance over to make sure he's on the right track. He seems to know perfectly well where Sohee lives now, though what he should remember is different; on the block next to Sunz's. Now he lives ten blocks further down, with some detours through private roads, near the beach. They both used to walk past it when they were kids. They knew the land belonged to Eunseok's grandmother. May she rest in peace. But they'd never paid much attention to it.

What does Seunghan think? He always had a disdain for wealth. He was always so socially conscious and found it strange that the Songs had so much money in a place as small as Goseong. What does he think of Sohee, who benefits from it as if he carried that surname instead of Lee?

That house is now Sohee's home, where he feels most comfortable, more protected. Even more so than the little one where he has so many memories with his still-complete family.

Sohee doesn't ask why he knows where to go; there could be many reasons. Shohei told him that he is aware of their internet presence, and Seunghan, being the guy he is, surely does the same. Sohee has them blocked, but Wonbin and the others post enough pictures of them to make it clear that Sohee's home is different. You can learn a lot from Instagram, according to Shohei; Sohee likes Facebook better.

Seeing Hong Seunghan standing in front of his gate is strange; he never truly imagined seeing him again could be true, much less set foot in his space, but here they are. Life is strange. Sohee's whole life has been.

Eunseok is somewhat skeptical when Sohee asks him in whispers to be there with him . "I'd better stay inside, if you need something you can yell," He says. He enters first and goes all the way into the house. He doesn't wait. He doesn't stay to listen. 

Sohee leaves the door open and walks through the flagstone path to the porch. He looks back to make sure Seunghan isn't stepping on the wild flowers. He doesn't know what kind of manners the city people have, but Seunghan is stepping carefully, his curious gaze on the plants. The two houses next to each other don't seem to matter as much to him as the vast greenery of the yard or the colorful array of flowers Eunseok maintains. He doesn't invite him in, instead sitting on one of the steps. Seunghan does too. The space isn't big; usually, if two people sit next to each other, they're bumping shoulders, whether it's Anton and Eunseok, who are bigger, or Sohee and Wonbin, who weigh as much as a highschool girl. Still, Seunghan manages to stay so far away from Sohee that he can't even feel the vague warmth of his body, so far away that someone could walk between them. He's almost on top of the railing.

Sohee can see something now he hadn't been aware of before. Not only does discomfort bother him, he looks embarrassed, as if he'd been caught stealing something.

"I..." He begins. "Thank you... for agreeing to this..." He doesn't meet his eyes, instead he picks at his fingers.

Sohee nods, doesn't say anything else. He knows Seunghan wants to apologize. Why else would he be here? Still, it's hard for him to welcome the moment, just as it's hard for Seunghan to get the words out of his throat.

He tried for a while to convince himself to hate Seunghan too, when it was all over, but as the emotions faded and when time passed, it became a little more difficult. With a clear mind, Sohee knew it wasn't really his problem. He just wasn't the friend they'd thought he was. In the end, his loyalty lay with Sungchan. But Seunghan isn't Sungchan, no matter what.

"I'm so sorry... for leaving like that. I should have talked to you before." He doesn't regret leaving, just the situation that happened. Sohee understands that, but it's not what he wants to know. It's not the doubt that has plagued his mind for years and has prevented him from even thinking about having a connection as deep as before.

Seunghan's hands find their way into his own hair, tugging the long strands. "I... I didn't know Sungchan had said those things about you. He was never like that, so..."

Sungchan was good. Before that shit came to light. He was the oldest of them all by months, so he always had that protective air. He defended Shohei when they made fun of his broken korean, he brought Shotaro food at the workshop when he couldn't join them, he listened to all of Sohee's problems, things Sohee never shared with anyone, things he hasn't even told Eunseok to this day. That's why there was a lot of doubt about whether he had fabricated those rumors or not. Because Sungchan was affectionate and attentive. But he had. He was the one who said all those things and he was the one who had a hand in Sohee's misfortunes.

"I thought we were going to Seoul just with his mother," Seunghan sees into his eyes now, with such clear sincerity that Sohee knows he's telling the truth. Seunghan has always been very transparent with his emotions. He always openly expressed his happiness, as well as his sadness and apparently his guilt too. "I didn't know your dad... I swear I had no idea." Your dad. People around here don't talk about Sungchan or Daeyoung and if they do it's like if they're a separate problem when they're not. They truly aren't. ''I really should have talked to you but I didn't want to miss the chance to leave and they...they were the only way... I didn't want Sungchan to regret it.''

Sohee appreciates Seunghan's words. He wants to explain himself even if the things he says have Sohee clutching his chest and his eyes watering. Seunghan doesn't touch him, It's weird. Sohee is right there in front of him, crying and he's keeping his hands to himself, Sohee feels like he doesn't know him for a second. But it's understandable, it makes sense.

"I thought you were my friend." He surprises himself by saying it, a thought he's had since he was sixteen. I thought you liked me. It's another thing he thinks but doesn't say.

"I was..." Ashamed, Seunghan looks ashamed. Defeated.

"I imagined before that you backed away so you could go to Seoul." That was always obvious, something clear everyone agreed on. Seunghan was protecting his chance, and sometimes that's more important than friendship, than young love. "But then I assumed you knew or just couldn't care because you weren't the type of friend to just ignore me. Not me."

"I didn't—I found out at the same time as everyone else." He hides his face in his hands, looking anxious, as if he doesn't know how to make Sohee understand that he really didn't know and that he regrets it. "But I already knew when I stopped talking to you. I didn't want to make things worse because I knew I was going to leave with them anyway, and I'm so sorry, Sohee. I didn't know how to handle it but I should have been there for you. I should have called you when your mom died."

Heavy. Seunghan looks truly miserable.

Sohee's mother was the sweetest person in town, incredibly cheerful and kind. Almost innocent. Loved by the neighbors. Goseong hasn't had the pleasure of seeing a personality like hers since her death.

She always welcomed Sohee's friends with affection. With Seunghan, she was a little different; she joked about their relationship. She quietly supported Seunghan's attempt to woo Sohee with silly words and ice cream. It's somewhat comforting that Seunghan feels bad.

''I'm so sorry, more than I can say, Sohee.''

''It's okay.'' Sohee is only human. Can't hold onto it now that Seunghan is here. Just a few words. Just a few tears shared. Seunghan's eyes are wet too. The tip of his nose red and runny.

Sohee doesn't need a lot of words. 

"No. I should have been good to you, I should have thought of you too."

"It's not your fault." It was his fault being a bad friend. But what happened with Sohee's family wasn't. Isn't.

It wasn't Sungchan's fault either. It's the first thing he tried to convince himself of. Sungchan didn't know Sohee's dad was cheating. He didn't know Sohee's dad was cheating with Sungchan's mother. Sungchan didn't know. Sungchan was Sohee's friend. Sungchan went to his house. Sungchan ate his mum's food. Sungchan heard about all the problems and fights and struggles Sohee went through. Sungchan listened about Sohee's broken relationship with his dad. Sungchan was always so supportive and kind.

And yet Sungchan had been spending time with Sohee's father. He asked him to stay each night. He made up lies for Daeyoung, so he could say his excuses. He accepted the money Sohee and her mum needed. He ratted on Sohee behind his back so that when Daeyoung returned home, he could further break the already fractured world Sohee lived in.

He lied about what Sohee was like at school. He created in Sohee's father's mind such a different and erroneous version of the quiet, shy boy he really was and then he ended with a comment about how Sungchan knew Daeyoung well, a good and decent man, and then such upbringing could only come from his mum.

That's one of the things that bothers Sohee the most. Because Sungchan might have wanted to steal his father, but his mum was always so kind, she welcomed him under her roof as if he were her own son, she respected him, loved him, fed him with everything she had in the pantry and still, Sungchan looked at her with disdain.

With superiority because Daeyoung had chosen them. How nice. Sohee hopes Sungchan knew the real Daeyoung, in his rawest form and not the fantasy he created with his family finally complete. He hopes Sungchan got the abuser, the addict, the gambler, the man who takes and takes until he leaves you breathless. He hopes he lived in the suffocating space Daeyoung created between the walls. He hopes Sungchan's mother is suffering like Sohee's did.

It had been a shock to the town. A horror story where Sohee received all the stares and ridicule, where his mother was hurting from the pain of the betrayal. Losing his father was heartbreaking, even with the heaviness of their bond. Sohee's life was falling apart, and one of his best friends was grinning from ear to ear because he had been able to reclaim what he thought was his while the other did nothing. Seunghan had remained so quiet then and the grudge Sohee holds for Seunghan is for his indifference, for his ease in ignoring everything when Sohee was dying.

Seunghan's presence was missing while Shotaro and Shohei supported Sohee, they comforted him, they tried to understand everything Sohee felt and what Sungchan had created. Even if it was difficult for them to do so. They tried.

Eunseok was there too. Beating the smile out of Sungchan's face. Kicking and spitting and holding him down so Sohee could have his turn. Eunseok liked fighting and he loved Sohee. Even in his darkest moments, when he fantasized about killing Sungchan between whispers and sobs, Eunseok made it a reality in a way. Unconditional and steadfast. A person who would lower himself to the same level as Sohee. Amidst the filth, dirt, and pain.

He didn't do the same to Daeyoung just because he didn't have the time to. When Sungchan returned home hours later, limping and bleeding, Daeyoung chose to run away rather than admit that he'd been Sungchan's father for a week and didn't have the balls to protect him.

Sohee always knew his father was shitty. He knew Sungchan's mother was a whore. But Sungchan? His beloved hyung? And Seunghan? The boy that was in love with him? 

"I just... I wanna try to fix it..." Seunghan moves his entire body toward Sohee, looks into his eyes, through him. Maybe Sohee can't think for himself, maybe it has to do with the fact that he forgives easily, like when Wonbin and Anton come to blows and five minutes later act like nothing ever happened. But Sohee doesn't have siblings, Eunseok never bothers him, his friends are overprotective of him, and although he always believed that hatred was something central to what motivated him, it's feeling easy to think about how Seunghan can reinsert himself into his life. He won't trust him, he doesn't know if he ever will, but he can accept that Seunghan is sorry.

Sohee doesn't need a lot of words. He doesn't speak a lot of words himself. It's a curse. The way he's become. Quiet. Helpless by his own will. He can't complain. It's okay. He stoops to the future, doesn't allow himself to think about what he feels in this moment.

The only time he allowed himself to bear his feelings as they passed was that summer.

When his father left, he became violent, because that's what he felt. He wanted to tear his skin off and let everyone see the gory mess he was.

All the red like his ache and blue like the loneliness he subjected himself to.

When Seunghan walked away, he judged him by default, because back then he was as guilty as the rest.

When his mother fell ill, he was devastated, crying every day because he knew what was going to happen.

But over time, they lessened. The hatred, the burden, the sadness. It no longer makes sense for Sohee to feel them as deeply as he did before even if he wants to keep them close.

He's accepting Seunghan's apologies easily because the damage has already been done. Because he knows Seunghan loves him, and although deep down he wants to see him on his knees, begging, he knows it's not necessary. Nothing Seunghan can say or do now will change what happened. So there's no point in holding on to that. He's already here listening to him. There's no need because at the end, Seunghan is sitting next to him and Sohee's heart is completely open before him.

He's a person who thinks a lot, about everything, about anything, all the time. He thinks about all the possibilities, thinks about the future, like Seunghan and him becoming friends again, thinks about how maybe it won't work out and they won't talk anymore. Even in that theory, he can imagine years passing and them finding each other again.

Time passing is not an apology. He knows. But that's why Seunghan's explaining himself.

"Me too." And although he says it in a whisper, it rings true. In a second, with two words and without thinking, Sohee has agreed to something much bigger than he can hold. He doesn't want to dwell on the matter. It's what he wants too, he's no different than Shotaro and Shohei. Everyone knew it'd come to this. Even himself, no matter if he tried to deny it.

His way of making decisions has gotten him into a lot of trouble. Always consumed by his fleeting feelings, never with the ones he feels constantly. He wasn't willing to forget his hatred half a week ago, but he is his mother's son first and foremost. He doesn't have her strength or kindness; all the parts that make up Sohee's personality came from his father, everything except the way he resents. His mother would have taken Dayeong back. That's something Sohee knows for sure. He feels somewhat ashamed to think the same thing.

But how ashamed can he feel if he's the only one judging himself right now? Eunseok won't do it; his other friends will forgive him. He doesn't express himself to them; they don't understand that side of Sohee, but they love him. Unconditionally. Sohee could kill Sungchan and his friends would help him clean the crime scene and hide the body. He could forgive Sungchan and marry him, and his friends would come to the wedding.

Forgiving. Easy. Because his brain doesn't work like normal. There's no use holding a grudge when he can try to let go and be in peace. Even if he knows, there'll be nights where he lays looking at the celling and wondering why he did what he did.

He wonders if Sungchan ever does.

Seunghan smiles at him. And for the first time since Sohee saw him again, he looks genuinely happy. Like when they were children.

"I've thought about you all a lot." He looks at Sohee, his lips slightly raised at the sides. "About you." He squeezes his eyes shut, his eyebrows drawing together, and then he blinks several times in a row. Sohee tries not to let the surprise show on his face. Seunghan didn't do that before. ''I bet you thought I was a dick.'' 

He jokes. Jokes. 

Sohee closes his eyes. He doesn't want to laugh, but the smile escapes him anyway. He nods quickly and turns to look at him. He seems to be much closer than before. Sohee can feel the puff of warm air when he chuckles.

"Yes, I did." He leans against the steps behind him. "I still do."

And they laugh. They both do, and Sohee feels a little lighter than when he woke up that morning.

"How's the city?" Another topic. Turning the page.

"Even when it's supposed to be sunny, I feel cold. I never got used to the weather."

And Seunghan keeps talking about his life in Seoul.

A liberating place where skyscrapers clash with the stars, which blend into the lights of modern technology that illuminate the streets. He studied dance, financed by his parents' aquaculture farm, and they came to see him perform several times over the years. Now he's a professional dancer at an agency that works with K-pop groups. That's where he met the two guys he came with. He's known them for a year, and their names are Kyo and Yul. Yul is the one with the tattoos. Apparently, Seunghan has many friends there, but these two are his closest. The invitation came out of the blue, and they readily accepted. They had never been to such a small town, being from large, bustling cities, so they were surprised when they saw where Seunghan grew up.

He tells him about how he doesn't have much free time since he's normally fully booked. Sometimes artists wait for his schedule to open up so they can work with him. He's personally invited to performances and events since he won a national competition three years ago, which is how he gained so much recognition. He tells him he has Kai from EXO's number saved in his phone. Sohee likes Kai, and when he mentions it to Seunghan, he laughs and assures he can get a personalized autograph.

Sohee and his friends here use the TV; they're on TikTok all day. Sohee wonders how they never saw him until he decided to show up. Life has its ways.

Seunghan talks about the city the same way Sohee and Wonbin used to tell their friends back in Busan about Goseong-gun: glazed with fond memories and preference. The best place in the world.

When Seunghan asks about Shohei, Sohee gives him a short summary of what he's been doing these past seven years.

He studied something about arts that Sohee doesn't quite remember, and spent a year working at the small local museum, as well as one in the neighboring city. In 2022, he has decided to return to Japan after a lifetime in Korea. There isn't much to do in Akita, according to him. But his parents are there, and there is plenty of inspiration to be found amid the snow and nature. In Goseong, it has never snowed.

Seunghan says he's happy for him. Happy that he has found success in his homeland with his various exhibitions in cities, and also that he has been able to find peace similar to what he had here.

When he asks about Shotaro, Sohee tells him that Shotaro himself can answer him the next time they meet.

Sohee doesn't share many details about himself. He's not all that eager to talk about what has become of him. He doesn't want Seunghan to take his lead as something that's not.

He's still hurt, he's still wary. But Seunghan is an open book with a loose tongue and an intense desire to never stop talking to Sohee.

The truth is, Sohee has rarely left the town, apart from his university years, so he doesn't know much about the city to ask Seunghan many questions. He's not particularly interested, either. There's something more important he wants to ask. Though he doesn't know how yet.

He fears the answer is obvious.

"Sungchan is still your friend, right?" He just blurts it out. That's when Seunghan finally shuts his mouth. Sohee feels that everything he's seen of Seunghan is similar to how he used to be. Doesn't Seunghan remember what Sohee was like? Did he think Sohee would never inquire? Did he think he would agree to all this without even asking the big question?

Seunghan's eyes twitch again. And Sohee feels for a moment that he's going to lie. It's clear Seunghan wants to deny it, but Sohee already knows. From the moment he saw him, he knew they were still close. Sungchan is ingrained in his being; he feels it through him, in the same way that the connection between Eunseok and Sohee is felt even when they're not in the same place.

"He is." He looks uncomfortable again. Sohee should have asked earlier. "I don't live with them anymore. I have my own apartment, but I'm still his friend."

Of course. Yes. They arrived to the city together, after all. Two teenagers, mesmerized by the vastness of space after being born in a small town on the coast of Korea.

"I'm willing to try with you." Firmly, Seunghan must know where he stands. "You're the exception. So I don't want to know anything about him, and I don't want him to know anything about me."

Seunghan nods frantically.

"Don't worry."

"I'm very serious, Seunghan." He is. Sohee is saying this with all the seriousness in the world.

He doesn't want Sungchan to know what he's doing, doesn't want him to know that he's still in Goseong, that Shotaro is still by his side, that he now lives with Eunseok. He doesn't deserve to be aware of any moment in Sohee's life. He prefers that he remains wondering, if he even thinks about him at all. Any memory or vague idea that Sungchan has of him is his to keep. Whether Sungchan thinks he's still as angry or not, that's fine. Sungchan doesn't know him anymore, and Sohee doesn't want that to change.

Just as he himself isn't interested in knowing how Sungchan is living now. He doesn't care if he's happy, or if he's achieved all the dreams he once set for himself. Sohee is perfectly content with just the knowledge that Sungchan and Daeyoung are far away from him. From the sea that is his mother's grave.

Even if Seunghan slightly mars the picturesque blue skies of the town, it will never compare to the grayness that the other two drag behind themselves.

Sohee is okay with Seunghan being here, but he couldn't be with the father and son.

"I know. I won't tell him anything."

Okay. Sohee will try to believe him. He wants to believe him. He also wants to lie down on his bed and cry for a while.

Seunghan decides to leave when Eunseok finally comes out of the house. Seeing them in the same space is strange; if it was strange when they were young, now it's more so. Neither of them greets the other or speaks a word, but Seunghan perfectly understands what Eunseok's presence indicates. Seunghan says goodbye to Sohee with a subdued but sincere smile and leaves his yard without looking back.

"He still talks a lot." Eunseok says.