Work Text:
Ah Lumine, if only you could see what you’re doing to me.
Pulling me out of my office as if I wasn’t in the middle of work. Driving me somewhere outside Liyue Harbor with the energy of a kid.
You are enthusiastic about something, and you have something in mind, I can tell.
The way your body swings from left to right when you walk before me. Your steps quicken as we reach the place you want us to go. The way you laugh for no reason.
We see each other at least once a week. For sparing or eating. Or when I have time, for travelling around Liyue together. I have seen you happy, about a lot of things- when you catch the biggest fish, when you find a treasure, when you discover a new landscape... But now, it seems to have no reasons at all, yet I know there is something. There must be.
But what?
“Is there something you would like to tell me, comrade?”
I can guess so because you stop your walk, near a mountain, with your hands shaking almost imperceptibly behind your back. Notice also how you are biting your lips and- Oh. Your eyes are shining.
They are always shining, I know, but it’s almost night. The sun is fading behind the mountains yet there is this glow, these lightning stars sparkling in them. They are different from the golden orbs you wear usually. Especially with the fact that they are lost between the want to avoid my gaze and hold it.
Ah, I am an observer too qualified for you to try to hide me something.
“Are you blushing?”
And now you are pouting.
“Lumine the great savior of Liyue, you who saved nations, fought gods and travelled to hundreds of worlds... You are blushing”
Gods, those cheeks of yours, so floppy and soft. I hope you will pardon me for pinching them.
“Haha, they are so so red! Oh- please no. Do not look at me like that! I am not mocking you, it’s just... adorable, truly!”
Oh, I think I got you mad. I didn’t want to.
“I meant no harm. It’s just... I am not used to such behavior from you. Always brave, unstoppable, fierce... a true majestic heroine. And seeing you acting like you were the most innocent girl in the world... Ah it’s just very unlike you. But I like it, don’t make me say things I don’t mean. And- ouch!”
You smacked me. That hurts but hell I love making you be in one hell of state. I love this part of you, with your infuriating eyes and the small groan. A true little goblin when you want.
“Okay okay, I am sorry. Please pardon me, I won’t praise you like that again. Even though it will be hard work.”
Oh, you can’t imagine at what point and I shouldn’t say that. Fuck I really shouldn’t but
“You always have been looking like the perfect little fighting woman.
Since the first time we met, I saw it. That something in you, that wanted me dead right onto the Golden House. Our first fight... You wanting me to beg you for mercy. Ah that fire in your eyes I loved so much… You don’t want me dead as much anymore. I really miss the danger of it. But I also like that it became different”
“You know what ? I prefer what it became. That flame in you, it’s not gone. I know you still want to beat my ass every time I speak.
Haha yeah ... I know but I also know that you will never let me alone on the battlefield. You always check on me, give me a hand or watch my back...
I feel privileged and honored to be the travel companion of such a beautiful fighter as you”
Oh, I knew I should shut my mouth. Now you are pinning me on a wall.
How embarrassing.
Your strong hand pressing on my chest, holding me close to the mountain, as if it will keep me from saying more things. It does, in fact. Mostly because you have your hand on my mouth too.
It’s hard to keep my mouth shut with someone like you. If only you knew how much things I want to tell you.
You make my days better. Whenever you are around, I feel so much more alive, and everything turns into something funnier that it should be.
I wish I could tell you that. But your hand over my mouth restrains me from saying anything.
Or too many things actually.
“Is shomwethwing wrongth ?”
Hell, it really is hard to talk. But you are frowning suddenly and I can’t tell why.
I haven’t even talked this time but here you are, avoiding my gaze again.
I hope it’s not because of what I said. I needed to be real for once; it didn’t have to get you mad or uncomfortable.
Oh, damn your hands- I felt it brush all along my arms when you removed them.
And- I can’t tell what, but it did something on me.
I shivered.
And it’s not even cold.
Please by the Tsarista, I hope you didn’t get it.
Fuck I think there is something wrong with me. Because why is my heart beating fast like that as you take my hand?
And why are you taking it in the first place?
Oh stop.
Slow down stupid organ.
It's just a hand and she has already taken it a few times before.
On battlefield, yeah, it’s not the same context but-
Well there isn’t even any context here!
“Childe, I need to tell you something...”
My ears are buzzing and there are so many noises in them I can’t even concentrate on you.
Your voice is so low, so hesitant. It’s hard to concentrate on it. And your fingers brushing the back of my hand aren't helping it; cold from the breeze, still trembling, the sensation is terribly soft.
“It’s... quite hard to tell, in fact it has been hard to admit it to myself, so please... Try to not be scared of it”
What is happening ?
I know you told me not to frighten but everything feels so off right now. It’s like the world stopped around us, like it’s trying to help me focus on you.
“I... Ugh, you know...Ah, come here”
So, we were not where you wanted to go, that is why you are pulling me further between the mountains, guiding me to... a lake ?
I didn’t see it at first but oh it is beautiful.
Like a dark blue blanket covering the field, lit by the emerging moonlight.
And you are like the perfect paint brush added to the canvas, with your hair dancing, falling on your back like a cascade.
Beautiful.
“I really love this place. I come here often, when I need to empty my mind”
I can understand. The place is so quiet, isolated from the rest of the world. It’s perfect when you need to be alone, and think, wonder about your troubles and things too hard to handle.
“I go fishing when I am in the need. Ice fishing mostly. One day I’ll take you with me”
You leaving my hand a moment after, fills me with a sore emptiness, and suddenly, I feel cold again. Is it because your hand was preventing me from the coldness of the place? Or is it because I liked your heat so much, not having it anymore is freezing me? Seems to be the second option because you are going near the water as if nothing.
“Would you like to swim?”
Oh, so unexpected. I wasn’t prepared for such request, and even though it may feel a bit out of place, I can’t refuse it to you. Especially as you are already going into, still fully dressed hopefully.
Are you trying to stall? Or maybe it can help you telling what you need to say. No matter the reason, it’s exciting to do such a thing with you. I can't figure why exactly, but anyhow. Let’s get in.
It’s not as freezing as I expected. Pretty cozy in fact.
And the water doesn’t feel so deep too. Just enough to cover me up mid-chest. Enough for you to start swimming, turned on your back to float onto the water like a starfish, your eyes fixed on the sky.
“You know what? This place, the lake... It kind of reminds me of you. Uh wait I mean, your eyes...! It reminds me of your eyes; it’s the same color.”
Here we go again. Stupid heartbeat going crazy once more. For nothing.
Ah... It reminds her of my eyes. Same color. My eyes. Because they are blue. That’s it. Nothing less nothing more. It’s pretty logical. And primarily, it’s normal.
So why is my pulse fast again?
Okay I can’t deny it; it really is touching. That such a place, where you let go of yourself, can still make you think about me.
“Oh, sorry. You seem concerned. I... I only meant that...”
You are hesitant. What could be so hard for you to tell? I know words don’t come easy to you, but still. I have seen you so much more confident before. I want to know what’s on your mind. But I’ll wait. I’ll let you take as much time as you need.
And after a few seconds, you straighten, going for another position to look at me. You seem to only slightly hit the ground, yet you stay still. Ready to continue, and after a long exhale:
“I was so confident earlier... I knew it would be difficult to face it. To face you, but... I thought I was prepared enough. And now... Everything is gone, the adrenalin that could have helped me... It abandoned me. Haha...”
“But... Still, I don’t want to go back. Not now. Not after. Never. I have... To say it, it’s just... Hard”
Why is it hot now ?
My blood is running hot in my veins, I don’t know if I am blushing, but I hope no. But the sensation is burning me. And I Can’t get my eyes away from hers, troubled but determined.
You are opening to me, for the first time in a while, and I can’t even think right. Because of all of this. The proximity, the dynamic... I am not used to that, and I don’t know if I can bear it any longer.
Something inside me is yelling me to run away. But I can’t and I won’t.
The water is shifting beneath us with the small flow caused by your legs, I can feel it. You are approaching me. Why?
“So... Let me try differently.”
Stop, you are too close. And your eyes... They are so intense.
Fuck what are you trying to say, Lumine ?
Please, please go on. I can’t bear it. I can’t handle the way I am suffocating right now.
“Childe, you are like this place, to me. I love to visit it often, when needed, and even when not needed. When I... just feel like to. I love its shades, its colors. It’s relaxing to see. I love to lay on the grass on the day, and plunge in the lake on the night...”
“I love that I am one of the few, if not the only one, to have discovered it.”
I feel like my body decided to stop working just so you could proceed. I am holding my breath, and it hurts. But it’s so tense.
“I love that even if it’s been a long time since I found it, there is always something new to search for. Something to discover, to try to obtain from it... Sometimes it can be lovely flowers, or silly creatures, and even awful monsters. But it's always exciting to see and my findings are never disappointing. Really. I love each part, corner, hole and shape of it.”
Why is the water so heavy around me? It’s like it’s carrying me elsewhere and I don’t feel the ground anymore.
What is the meaning of this? Why is my heart aching like that?
I am scared. Fuck I am scared. There is a feeling in my I can’t describe, but it’s strong.
And your hand, reaching for mine, is not helping.
It’s too much. It hurts.
“I feel... a whole when I come here. It's like a home. Somewhere... I can be me again. Completely. And I thought it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t tell you all of that. Because, if I hide something from you, then... Then it’s like I am denying who and how I am around you. And... I don’t want this. I don’t want to lie to you. I... Want you to see me as I am because...”
I see it coming.
I know what is coming and please don’t.
Don’t continue your sentence.
Or do. I... I don’t know.
I am not ready for that.
It’s all too much feeling to carry at once.
Is that what you meant by saying it reminded you of my eyes? Am I... Do you really see me that way? I... Me? I am a Harbinger, how could you even-
“Because... Because I love you, Ajax. Every part of you. Even your most foolishest part. Even when you are driving mad or when you do stupid things like throwing your narwhals on me just as if I were a training dummy. I... I just love you. I am in love with you, Ajax! There, I said it!”
Wait- Did she just say that she... loves... me?
She can’t. She can’t...! I have never done something to cause that, haven’t I ?
I always tried to keep a pace between us. I tried to not let her in.
Gods above, what can I say? What do I have to tell ?
Fuck I can’t... I can’t move. I need to answer, to do something. But hell, my body feel so weighted, and I feel something in my throat. Like a ball stuck on it, preventing me from speaking. Ah... I must respond. But what ?
Think Ajax, think! Do not act dumb.
Ah, fuck, but it’s so hard to think.
And what if... What if I am misinterpreting her words? Maybe she loves me but in another way? Like a brother? Something like that. Yeah, I must be wrong.
“Sorry, I tried my best to be slow on it, so you could digest it more easily, even though I know it’s not. Just know that I don’t expect anything in response. Take your time, I am not asking you for something back, Ajax. I am not forcing your hand on anything.”
Then why is your hand caressing my arm like that? Up and down, trying to comfort me but hurting me at the same time...
And... You called me Ajax. You never call me by my name. It sounds different when it’s from you.
I don’t know if I like it. The way it resonated in my head.
Only my family calls me that.
You... ever since I gave it to you, you continued to call me Childe. Because that is who I am now. That is who I promised to be. Around you. Around everyone else.
I am Tartaglia, Childe, the 11th Fatui Harbinger.
You know it, so how could you-
“Hey, don’t cry...”
But I am not.
...am I ?
It’s all blurry suddenly. I am sobbing. I am sobbing and I can’t even form any words for her.
“It’s okay... You don’t have to say anything, you know?”
Of course I have to.
But it’s frightening.
Ah... By Her Majesty, I plead your generosity to give me some strength.
Please... I can’t do it alone.
My lungs hurt; they are so tight.
It's difficult to breathe.
So difficult to think.
I have to do something. Because you have already done so much for me.
She... Ah, you, Lumine, love me.
And do I?
You brighten my days every time you speak, with your delicate tone. Every time you smile and laugh, with the childish happy sound coming from your pink and thin lips.
Every time you pull me into a fight, with your sword dancing in your hand in the grace and fierceness of a dolphin.
Every time you... you are just... here. With me. Somewhere around.
Somewhere I can see you, or sense you, and every time I can't either.
Every time you cross my mind.
I... I could never stop thinking about you. You mean so much to me.
Fuck you really do in fact.
Before you, I have never felt so... I have never felt anything.
Oh- You make me feel things again-
I have never felt so alive since... Since I fell into...-I have never felt so me.
I wish I was in the power to say it all to you, how much you mean to me. Because you confessed everything but everything I have are the chaotic thoughts knocking in my head.
It's all too fast. Too overwhelming.
Such thoughts. Such feelings.
I have to do something... But I am not good with words, so... Ok maybe like this.
Is it ok if I place my hand here? On your lower back. I hope it’s not too low.
And if I bring you closer? Ah... I don’t know what I am doing. It’s so weird, that nothing can come out my mouth, but the rest of my body seems to know what to do.
You are turning red again, yet you do not seem too uncomfortable, and you let me continue. Moreover, you put your hands on my shoulders. I guess I should keep going.
But ah... Calm down Ajax. Do not panic.
She is touching you, the same way you are touching her. It’s nothing harmful. She doesn’t want to hurt you.
You won’t push me back if I land my hand behind your head?
Oh, your hair is smooth.
I didn’t realize they changed when wet.
You seem so fragile like that, hair stand flowing on your forehead, and over your shoulders. It’s like you just emerged on this planet.
Ah, sorry I can’t bring myself to stop playing with them. I really love tangling them between my fingers. Their color... It’s like having gold directly in my hand.
Pardon me if the hug feels inappropriate. I... need to feel you. Near me.
I need to convey you some of the feelings I have. So let me embrace you. Let me place my head on your shoulder. Give you a kiss on it. On the crook of your neck.
Your skin is so soft. And wet. For an instant I forgot we were in the middle of a lake. I don’t feel the water around us anymore. Nor the wind caressing our bodies. Only... you. And the gentle touch of your thumb on my face.
I think I am still crying, and you are wiping a tear away from my cheek.
I am so pathetic. Crying, again. As if it was a time for it. As if I were a child.
“Ajax, you don’t need to...”
But I am not a kid anymore. I need to stop hiding. I need to stop pretending I didn’t care. Stop pretending I didn't know that I love you.
It’s just that... I don’t know if I am allowed to.
Me, a Harbinger, who had given all his loyalty to Her Majesty. Who had done ruthless things for her. Who had hurt innocent people. Who carries the life of a monster with him.
Am I allowed to love someone like you? To receive such feelings?
Ah... I don’t know. I don’t understand anything that is going on in my mind. Even less what’s going on in my body. But I want it to continue. That feeling. The sensation flying in my stomach.
The butterflies.
This is it? That is the feeling that happens to people in love. And me who had once thought it was a sickness. I couldn’t understand it. No, I didn’t want to understand it.
But now I can’t deny it anymore.
“You are doing weird things to me, you know?”
Ah, why did I say that? Of all things I could have told.
Am I stupid ?
At least it made you laugh. Ah... the fragile echo of your laughter, resonating around us with the sound of the shifting water under us. It’s appeasing. It helps, a lot. It helps to keep my composure.
But I feel like I need to keep on kissing you. Kissing the fine skin of your jaw, and the soft part of your cheek. Just like I could erase my unease away with each one.
“And you are the weird thing that happened to me”
Why are trying to worsen my state...
“The best weird thing I have ever experienced”
I was getting confident again.
And I should be the one talking, not you.
Archons... You are unbelievable. Always trying to have the upper hand. I know that’s what you are trying to do. But I won’t let you. Not this time.
My hands are cupping your face. How did it happen? I don’t recall moving them. But here they are and... your face is getting closer. I am leaning forward. What am I doing? Am I ready for that? Should I stop? Is it even possible to pull back?
Your hands are on my neck, and it doesn’t feel like I can’t move back.
But you are so close... I can feel your breath on me. It’s hot, like a soft caress.
“Lumine, Can I...? Am I really...?”
“It’s nothing urgent. We can wait if you need to”
I don’t want to. I kept her waiting long enough. I kept my feelings waiting for too long now. I want and need to expose me, expose my true self to you.
So that is why I won’t linger more.
That is why I am leaning forward, searching for your lips. That contact.
I know it can mean a lot of things.
And a lot of things I want it to mean.
So let me crash mine on yours. Subtle, rapid at first. Waiting for any sign of restraint from you. But there is any, so I let myself repeat the same move. More confident this time.
And I am sorry if it’s messy. Sorry if it’s not tender enough.
Sorry if it feels too much. If the way I move against you is too much. Sorry if the way I deepen it is too much.
And I hope. Hope my feelings for you are not too much.
I hope it’s not scaring you.
I feel like I am melting under your touch but also like it’s all coming out in one piece.
Everything I felt for you. Like a giant wave crashing on me, trying to sink me under its weight.
And I am holding you, one hand gliding from your cheek to your waist, the other staying in place. I am holding you tightly, pressing you against me. Because I am scared that it will try to take you away.
Ah but I know. I know it’s more for me. For me to remain in place. Because I am scared to get dragged out. To get too overwhelmed.
I am running out of breath. Still, I don’t want to stop. I don’t want it to come to an end.
It feels so good. So good to share that part of me with you.
Fuck you taste so delicious, sweet and delicate, with your tongue chasing after mine and the soft whispers of my name coming out of your mouth as you pull my hair.
But all good things come to an end, and I have to break it. Else I’ll kill you and that’s the last thing I would ever want.
I want you.
I want you to stay with me, for the rest of my life. And this time I will tell you.
I will tell you that
“I love you, Lumine. I love the whole of you. From your beautiful hair to your ugly snorts. And I want you to stay by my side. I want to come with you every time you travel. I want to come with you searching for your brother. I want to go and discover the outer world. I want to fight you. To fight with you. To throw bigger and bigger narwhals on you. I want to teach you Snezhnayan, to show you motherland and everything I love here.”
Pause. Pause I need to breathe, else I'll say something dumb.
“I... Ah... I fucking love you like a dumb kindergarten kid, Lumine, for a long time now, I think. It's just that... I could never figure it out until now. Ah fuck I know I did, I was just... scared. That you didn’t want me. That I wasn’t enough for you. That you may prefer not to interfere more with the fatuis. I... Ah... Sorry, am not good with that...”
“It’s okay. Everything is okay... Um, maybe not the narwhals' part nor the snorting one, but... everything else, I accept it. I accept you, Ajax, Childe, Tartaglia, anything you are. I want to handle all these parts with you, because I know it’s hard and I don’t want you to endure them alone any longer.”
I never imagined hearing something like that ever in my life. Especially not from you. We were supposed to be enemies, rivals at least. I was supposed to be the cocky comrade you would fight once a week, I didn’t expect anything more. Anything close to... love or acceptance. With everything I have done... Fuck I really need you to stop talking.
If you continue, I’ll cry again. And even if it’s just because I am a bit too happy and relieved, I don’t want to anymore, at least not now. I need to shut you up before it’s too late.
Maybe tricking you would be the greater way to do so.
Kissing your lips again -gods I fucking love that- tenderly, just before I tip you over onto the water without warning. Letting you sink carefully under me. Holding you by your sides, here I get you fully submerged in the water.
That was a stupid idea, I must admit it, because I didn’t think you would pull me in too. And damn you really are not gentle, using your legs to flip me over and getting over me.
But hey- I am a hydro user, and we are right onto a lake. You won’t win that easily.
“Ajax? Are you dead? Ugh- Hey! Wait what the- Ahhblblbl!”
Ah... Using my vision to get you carried by a strong flow. I am so vicious.
I can’t stop myself from bursting of laughter, ah... You are so upset!
“Childe you bastard! I’ll fucking get you for that!”
“Haha, there is the fighter I know! Go ahead, try it!”