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Everything could be perfect, she could be living in heaven on earth, and Marina would still find a problem. That’s how she’s always been. For as long as she can remember, she couldn’t let herself be happy, couldn’t let herself dwell in joy without feeling an overwhelming sense of foreignness. She’d always create a problem the second the seriousness would come plowing into her.
And sure, sometimes she thought it was stupid–ruining something beautiful solely because she felt a little too known, a little too seen–but when the reality that being loved meant being vulnerable would settle, it was hard to rationalize with Marina that maybe her fear of being soft was possibly a little redundant. So the second she felt too unguarded, too exposed, she’d spend days locked away in her apartment, not answering texts, simply staring at the wall, Charlie curled into a ball against her, stirring in her sleep.
A part of Marina knew it was unfair to Saniya–to be so harsh when all that was offered was love–but she felt safe knowing she could stop here, protect herself from any further harm. If she could hide from the transparency of vulnerability and love, maybe the risk of losing Saniya would be worth it, or she could at least repeat the theory till a small fragment of her brain believed it, and convinced the rest it was true.
And to think, all of Marina’s anxiety sprung to action because Saniya knew how she liked her coffee. Something so innocent and casual causing her to spiral into a never ending flow of apprehension. How silly it felt, letting one small service essentially destroy Marina’s sense of security, although she’d never admit how foolish it just might be.
The thought: “She knows me, really knows me.” breaking the damn she built preventing any negativity, and sending a flood of overwhelming thoughts to drown her in.
At the almost immediate second the thought settled into her brain, carving itself in her flesh, stamping her bones, Marina began her effort to leave Saniya’s apartment and return to the safety of her own living room couch. “I should leave.” She blurted, her coffee untouched besides the first sip that unraveled every thought swirling in her brain. “Oh.” Saniya replied, “Uhm, okay. Bye, I guess. See you tomorrow?” She asked, pressing a kiss to Marina’s cheek. Marina swallowed and offered a wavering smile before darting out the front door, letting it practically slam behind her.
As soon as Marina got in her car the texts began.
Is everything okay? You left super fast.
Text me when you get home though❤️
Marina didn’t text her when she got home.
Saniya sent another message.
You home?
No response, not even read.
The fear that she’s now let Saniya in too far, and can’t block her out as she pleases consumed Marina entirely, numbing nearly any other feeling tugging at her heart, leaving a small twinge of guilt for behaving this way towards Saniya. Her phone buzzed periodically, reading the contact name, she blinked. Each time growing more surprised at Saniya’s consistency.
Niya 💞
Please tell me what’s wrong, I’m here for you
The guilt began to spread across Marina. Saniya’s the first person she’s done this to that hasn’t gotten immediately frustrated with her, the first to seem genuinely worried. “It’s not real; it’s a front.” She thought to herself, “She doesn’t actually mean it.” She whispered out loud into the dark abyss of her empty apartment. Charlie perked up at the sound of her voice. Marina subconsciously knew she didn’t believe herself, that this was why she had to say it out loud, an attempt to speak it into existence.
The next day, her phone buzzed with at least five texts and two missed calls, all from Saniya.
Niya 💞
Riri?
Marina I’m really worried about you.
Answer me when you can
Marina winced at the messages that were displayed on her homescreen. And this time, Marina actually contemplated answering. Picking up the phone, and hovering over Saniya’s contact on her call list before tossing her phone across the coffee table. “What are you thinking?” she spat at herself. Never has Marina ever thought of trying to get over this fear, but here she was. Staring at her phone, Saniya’s contact open, a picture of her smiling, displaying her front teeth, illuminated the dark living room.
The following afternoon, her phone rang. Instead of the picture of Saniya that always made Marina smile to herself without realizing, a picture of her and her younger sister, Dara, flashed across the screen. Marina slid the white and green phone symbol at the bottom of the phone, picking up the call.
“Hello?” She spoke.
“Marina, hey what’s up? Dara asked.
“Uh, not much.”
“Okay, great. You want to come on a Costco run with me? I’m in dire need of one right now.” Dara joked.
“I can’t.” Marina answered almost immediately, her voice lacking any emotion.
“Uh oh. Is everything okay? I could recognize that tone anywhere.”
Marina sighed, of course her little sister noticed. Not that she was even hiding it well.
“Yeah. All good.” She said, unsure if she were trying to convince herself, or Dara.
“Okay, so you’re obviously lying. I’ll be there in ten, we’re going to talk about whatever’s going on.”
Before Marina could even protest, Dara hung up. Marina groaned into the still lifeless apartment, dragging her hands down her face.
And just like Dara said, ten minutes later she came barging into Marina’s apartment like she also lived there. “Usually you’re supposed to knock.” Marina called out to her as Dara approached the couch. “Shouldn’t have given me a key.” She shrugged, “Plus, if I did knock, would you even let me in?”
A quiet second passed before Marina rolled her eyes and muttered “No.”
"Exactly. Now, tell me what’s going on.” Dara demanded. “Absolutely not. Nothing is going on.” Marina stuttered. Dara laughed, “Marina, you’re actually horrible at lying.” Marina thinned her lips by pressing them together before speaking again, “Well, I’m not lying.” She winced at herself, it was painfully obvious she was lying, and she knew. “Sure… You really think I believe you?” Dara grinned, “You should.” Marina declared.
Marina’s phone buzzed, both girls turned to look at the notification that appeared on Marina's home screen. Marina could only read Saniya’s contact before Dara snatched her phone.
“Dara. Give me my phone right now.” She demanded. “Oh my God!" Dara gasped. “Marina. Fifteen missed texts and five missed calls, all from Saniya!” Dara exclaimed, Marina hid her face in her hands, “Dara.” She groaned.
“This is what’s wrong.” Dara began, “Are you seriously shutting Saniya out, Marina?” She asked, looking up from the phone. Marina remained in the same position, hands covering her face.
“Yeah, I’m not letting you do it this time, Marina.” Dara stated. Marina furrowed her brows, lifting her head from her hands, “Excuse me?”
“Marina, I’ve seen you two together, how you look at her. I’ve never seen you look at anyone like that, ever. You’re down bad. And she looks at you like she’s…” Dara paused, tapping her finger against her knee as she searched for the word to use, “Like she’s enamored with you, Marina.”
Marina didn’t reply, just sighed as she pulled her phone out of Dara’s hands, glancing at the text.
Niya 💞
Whatever this is please stop. I’m deadass about to show up at your place Marina
“Marina, tell me why you’re doing this.” Dara ordered.
Marina sighed again. “She knows how I like my coffee.”
Dara stared at her, “How you like your coffee?” She cocked an eyebrow. “Elaborate.”
“That means she actually knows me. Like y’know…” She trailed off.
Dara blinked. “What’s so bad about being known, Marina?”
“Being vulnerable.” Marina murmured. Dara nodded, letting Marina search for the right words to use. “Dara, it's so hard. To let myself be vulnerable, to let her know me without carrying it with me.”
“Carrying it with you?” Dara questioned.
“Yes, it like… It adds an extra weight to every step I take.” Marina started, “And it’s so painful to watch almost every person I let in, almost every single one I let see me vulnerable tell me they’ll love me regardless, just up and leave.” Marina confessed.
“But how do you know Saniya will do that?” Dara challenged.
“How do I know she won’t?” Marina shot back.
“You don’t. But you can’t live like that.” Dara remarked, “If you live in that constant fear, you’re never going to know what love really is. Look, you owe Saniya an apology and an explanation. You’re not a coward, Marina. So stop acting like one.”
Although harsh, Dara’s words were undeniably true. Marina nodded, “You’re right.” She whispered. “Invite her over, fix things while you still can.” Dara insisted.
“Thank you.” Marina smiled. Dara pulled her into a hug, then stood up.
“I’m going to go now, okay?” Dara announced, Marina nodded in response, standing with her. Dara started for the door, but a knock erupted before she could reach it. She turned to face Marina, eyebrows raised, “Seems like she just might be here already!” Dara giggled to herself. Marina rolled her eyes and approached the door, looking through the peep hole to see Saniya standing there, her arms crossed, face carrying a worried yet simultaneously angry expression.
Dara pushed past Marina, swinging open the door, “Saniya! Hi, come in. I’m just leaving.” She smiled at Saniya, whose face was now painted with confusion, “Dara?”
Dara offered an awkward smile, “Yup! Uhm…” She hesitated, bringing a hand to the back of her neck. “Okay. I’m gonna go now. Uh, goodluck?” Dara winced at her own awkwardness as she practically ran out the door.
Saniya’s head snapped, her undivided attention now completely settled on Marina.
“Marina.” She uttered.
Marina chewed on her inner cheek, confident it’d be sore by the next morning. “Marina, what’s going on? Why haven’t you answered any of my texts or calls?”
Marina sighed, “I’m sorry.” She started, “I just… I got scared.”
“Scared? Scared of what?” Saniya questioned, stepping towards Marina. “Look, it sounds stupid. I know it does. But Monday morning, you gave me coffee. You didn’t even have to ask how I wanted it. You just knew how I like my coffee. I never told you, you just knew."
Saniya tilted her head, confused “Okay.. And that scared you, how?” She asked, each word methodically picked, careful not to offend Marina, rather push her to further explain.
Marina huffed, rolling her eyes like she was upset Saniya couldn’t read her mind so she could skip over explaining herself.
“Sit.” She demanded, motioning to the couch. Saniya obeyed, sitting on the couch. Marina followed behind her, sinking into the cushion to her left.
“It scared me because it means you know me. You know all of me, Niya. my happy side, my angry side, and even my soft side.” she hesitated before saying her soft side, scared to admit it. “And that terrified me. And I know it’s not fair to you, it was so wrong of me to hide from you, to go ghost on you.” Marina rambled.
“I just.. I was so scared you’d see the real me, me all vulnerable, and be disgusted by me, laugh at me, leave me.” Her voice cracked at the mere mention of losing Saniya, yet every word that had just so carelessly slipped from her mouth was true.
In the past, Marina had felt as though whenever she let someone see her vulnerable, she’d always end up feeling like a fool, comparable to a jester. Like the guarded side of herself she had struggled to even surrender was just a performance for them to point and laugh at. But the thought settled, maybe it was different now, the possibility Saniya's nothing like the ones she’d been hurt by before.
Saniya handled her with care, like she was the most fragile thing she’s ever touched. Running soft, curing patterns over rough, rigid edges. Saniya was making an effort to fix something she hadn’t broken, and Marina had run from someone who only wanted to help.
“Marina.” Saniya spoke, “I’m not mad at you, I was worried sick about you.” She began, “And I would never judge you for being vulnerable, Riri.”
“I want to be here for you. I want to see your soft side, I want to see the parts of you that you think are messy. I want you to feel safe with me, because I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you, okay?” Saniya brought her hands to Marina’s face, cupping her cheeks.
“I’m staying right here. Can’t get rid of me.” She mumbled with a quiet laugh, bringing Marina’s face closer to place a kiss on her forehead.
“I’m still sorry.” Marina whispered. Saniya frowned, “It’s okay. Just… If this ever happens again, if something scares you, if it feels like too much at once, tell me. Don’t hide away from me. I hate that you even thought I’d ever think differently of you.”
Marina nodded “Okay, yeah. I can do that.” Saniya smiled at her.
And in that moment, in the dimness of her own apartment, now comforted by the presence of Saniya, Marina knew everything was different. She knew Saniya wouldn’t hurt her, wouldn’t laugh at her, wouldn't make her vulnerability feel stupid. She knew Saniya would do everything in her power to make sure Marina felt loved, felt wanted, felt comfortable.