Chapter Text
Iwaizumi felt it as soon as the ball hit the floor. Maybe he felt it a bit before that, in the moment he knew that the ball couldn’t be saved. No matter the point it started, the feeling was exactly the same. The overwhelming crush of defeat, it constricted his windpipe, creating a heavy knot in his chest. Next came the realisation that it was all over, Iwaizumi’s chances of going to the nationals were gone, forever. It hit him like a ton of bricks, bowling him over with guilt and bitter disappointment. He could feel the tears prick the back of his eyes, but they didn’t come just yet.
No, they came later .
They lined up, a team of collective anguish.
“No matter what I say, the result won’t change. I can’t make your regrets disappear” The coach was addressing them, but the words felt dull to Iwaizumi’s ears.
“But, I do want to say one thing. You all played well”. Those words hit the team in full force. Iwaizumi watched as tears poured down Kindaichi’s face, Watari’s too, Hanamaki and Matsukawa fighting to keep it together. Slowly, they all turned, moving towards the stunned supporters. Iwaizumi turned around but his feet rooted themselves to the floor. Tears dragged across his cheeks as he bit his lip fiercely.You all played well the Coach had said, but he didn’t feel it. He was the ace. He should have been able to finish it, the toss, everything, they were perfect. “I couldn’t even score off that ball. What kind of ace am I?” He thought bitterly.
He felt a hard slap in the middle of his back. Without turning he knew it was Oikawa. Iwaizumi looked at him out of the corner of his eye as he passed, but Oikawa didn’t look back. Oikawa hadn’t said anything but Iwaizumi felt the words as surely as if he had spoken them. It wasn’t his fault, nothing could have been done. He had played well, he had done his best, the whole team had, but it wasn’t enough. You aren’t alone. All that was said in that single touch. As if Oikawa knew exactly what he was thinking, and more importantly, exactly what he needed. He felt more slaps on his back as the team passed him, echoes of Oikawa’s one, all sharing the same sentiment. Iwaizumi inhaled sharply then joined the others. Standing before the supporters he could feel their shock more than anything else. The knot in his chest tightened a little. He bowed “Thank you for supporting us!” Then Iwaizumi left the Sendai gym for the last time, but for the first time he left it in defeat.
----
Iwaizumi walked the street half wondering why on earth he was doing this. He’d seen Oikawa this afternoon, had made promises he intended to keep, had said goodbye. But here he was, walking to Oikawa’s house at quarter to ten in the night. Because despite how Oikawa had been when he’d seen him that afternoon he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that he should go see him. Couldn’t shake the gnawing worry in his stomach.
He stood in front of Oikawa’s house and stared at his bedroom window. The main light wasn’t on, but Iwaizumi thought he could see the faintest of glows. Iwaizumi contemplated knocking but he didn’t want to explain why he was here to Oikawa’s parents.
Grasping the nearest tree branch he swung himself up, climbing the familiar route of his childhood, when he and Oikawa had pretended that the only safe way was in through the window to Oikawa’s room, the only way to shake whoever or whatever was chasing them. He eased himself through the window, pushing away all thoughts of blissful childhood when he saw Oikawa. Iwaizumi had seen Oikawa in the worst of ways, he’d seen him when he had broken his left arm when he was 7, seen him when he’d grazed his knees so badly blood had coated his shins. Iwaizumi had seen Oikawa with almost every conceivable injury over the years, but he had never seen Oikawa quite so broken.
Oikawa sat at his desk,headphones on, dressed in shorts and a sweater. He was staring blankly at his computer screen, which was playing their match today against Karasuno. His hair was wild, sticking out randomly, evidence that Oikawa had been tearing at it in frustration. The video reflected in Oikawa’s glasses as tears streamed down his cheeks, dripping off his chin. There was a wet patch at the top of sweater, and his hands dug into his forearms, the sleeves of his sweater pushed up to reveal a series of red half moons. Oikawa’s face was hard to look at, a mess of regret and guilt. Iwaizumi didn’t know what he had expected to find, but it wasn’t this.
Oikawa pulled his headphones down and placed them on the desk.
“Oikawa…” Iwaizumi started but Oikawa rounded on him, eyes blazing behind his glasses.
“It’s my fault, I keep watching and I keep seeing mistakes. And you know what? They’re all mine!” Oikawa spat.
“All these things I should have done or things I could have done better. Decisions I shouldn’t have made. I know, I know if I had only just corrected these things we wouldn’t have lost” Oikawa’s voice cracked, his breathing harsh, hard.
Iwaizumi felt something in his chest give way.
“No! No, Oikawa it isn’t your fault!” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “Listen to me Tooru, maybe there are things that you could have done differently, but everyone else has those things too!”
“But I’m the Captain,” Oikawa snapped back “I’m responsible…”
Iwaizumi snorted “Tooru, you can’t control everything. Yes, you are the captain, but you can only do so much. You aren’t the only person on this team!”
Oikawa looked up at him, silent.
“Remember when I told you that you’re stronger with six? Well those six people have their weaknesses too. You can’t fix the mistakes you make and expect that no one else will make mistakes because of that. Just like you can’t make everyone else strong just by being strong yourself.” Iwaizumi stopped talking, catching his breath. He hadn’t realised he felt so strongly, hadn’t realised that he wanted, no needed, to say this.
“Iwaizumi, I know all this, I just can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stopping hating myself for all I did and didn’t do” Oikawa whispered “You have no idea how much I want to stop. All I want is to stop watching this over and over. All I want is to go sleep.”
“So go.”
“I can’t, every time I close my eyes I see a replay of everything I did wrong and then that moment the ball fell” Oikawa looked devastated
“Tooru, you can’t keep always blaming yourself.”
Oikawa turned and faced the wall, he hadn’t moved from his position at the desk. Hadn’t stopped crying or bothered to try and look okay
“I see you too.” Iwaizumi blinked, stunned “I see your face as you stood crying”
Iwaizumi drew in a sharp breath “That wasn’t your fault, that was me. I was blaming myself”
“I see them all, Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Kindaichi, Kunumi, all of them. I can feel their disappointment. It weighs me down.”
He didn’t have anything to say to that, how could he, when he had felt exactly the same.
“Iwaizumi .. Iwa-chan .. I just want to go to sleep” Oikawa whispered brokenly at the expanse between them.
Iwaizumi sighed, and stepped forward from where he had been standing in front of the window. He crouched in front of Oikawa and took his glasses off. A quick glance around the room revealed that the tissues were over by the drawers that lined the opposite wall. Iwaizumi stood, intending to go and grab a couple but Oikawa grabbed his arm, yanking him back down before wrapping his arms around Iwaizumi, drawing him into a hug. He hesitated for a moment before wrapping his own arms around Oikawa.
They stayed like that for a few minutes. Iwaizumi was content for Oikawa to take as long as he needed, if it would help him sleep. When Oikawa finally pulled away, the tears had stopped. His hair and face were still a mess but something in his eyes had changed.
“Promise me you’ll get some sleep now” Iwaizumi whispered, feeling uncomfortable at the thought of leaving Oikawa alone.
The gnawing worry had returned in force, he felt an odd sense of protection that was making it difficult to bring himself to get up and leave. Oikawa hadn’t let go of him yet, his hands still clutched at Iwaizumi’s arms, though he had pulled back, creating a brief distant between them. Oikawa was looking up at him, his face as open and as honest as Iwaizumi had ever seen it for a long time. All his pretty boy confidence had disappeared. Iwaizumi glanced away, looking above Oikawa to the wall, unable to keep looking. Looking caused a sharp hurt in his chest, a painful tug that made Iwaizumi want to do anything to keep that broken expression off Oikawa’s face.
“Iwa-chan .. Can you.. Can you stay.. With me?“ The last part was whispered so softly Iwaizumi almost couldn’t hear it. Oikawa wasn’t looking at him now, but rather down. The grip of his hands tighten on Iwaizumi’s arms
“Just for tonight .. Please Iwa-chan .. I just .. don’t want to be alone.” Oikawa’s words were barely audible and he still wasn't looking at him.
“What about your parents? Won’t they be, I don’t know, confused, surprised?” Iwaizumi questioned, his heartbeat racing a little.
“They won’t mind, it’s only you after all. And you can always leave before they get up. Please, .. I really need you here Iwa-chan.”
Iwaizumi thought about it. His parents thought he was asleep in bed, he didn’t have anything urgent to do. And he didn’t really want to leave in the first place, something in him was against going anywhere and leaving Oikawa.
“Fine. I’ll stay. But you’ve got to sleep now, you’re exhausted Tooru.” Iwaizumi relented.
Now it was his turn to look down. He felt the pressure on his arms release and the hands move away. He glanced up in time to see Oikawa shed his sweater to reveal a plain navy blue top beneath. Iwaizumi suddenly realised he hadn’t thought about exactly what they were gonna do, where exactly he was going to stay.
“Tooru?”
“Mmmm”
“Errr, where am I sleeping?”
“ … I thought we could share the bed”
“Oh.”
The silence was awkward, filled with something unspoken. They aren’t children anymore, they hadn’t slept over at each others houses since they were 13. And it had been even longer since the days when they would share a bed, dozing off after hours of games in their own private world. But Iwaizumi didn’t ask to change it, didn’t demand to sleep somewhere else.
Oikawa lay down first, on his side, back to the wall. Iwaizumi could feel the weight of his gaze as he lay down too. He stared up at the ceiling, still dotted with the glow in dark stars Oikawa put up when he’d first fallen in love with space. He remembered Oikawa begging for a telescope and spending hours just staring upwards, imprinting the constellations into his memory. He remembered listening to Oikawa go on and on for hours about aliens. He remembered waiting, bored, for Oikawa to actually play to him after he’d invited Iwaizumi over, instead of spending hours researching planets and solar systems.
He focused on those memories, instead of the feel of Oikawa’s gaze, the closeness of him, the warmth of him just centimetres away, the fact he could just reach out and touch him so easily. Especially not the way that these things made him feel. Iwaizumi stared at the ceiling until the stars began to blur, white smudges in the muted darkness. Iwaizumi stared at those stars until he couldn’t stand seeing them anymore, stared at the stars until he could bear to face Oikawa.
Iwaizumi wished he hadn’t turned. Oikawa looked like an angel. Not because he was beautiful, but because peace had settled over him. The lack of tension in his face. The feathering of his eyelashes against his cheeks. The soft rise and fall of his chest, even and slow. The gentle curve of his slender hand against the pillow. The slight parting of his lips. The way his back curved and his legs curled. Iwaizumi had forgotten how sleep changed him. How it softened him, wiped away the hard veneer Oikawa hid behind. Iwaizumi had forgotten how in sleep, one truly saw Oikawa Tooru, saw him as unguarded as he would ever get.
Almost absentmindedly, Iwaizumi brushed a hand gently over Oikawa’s cheek. Oikawa’s breath ghosting over his hand as he felt the soft skin. He didn’t know why he did it, the gesture was almost done without his own volition. His eyes slipped closed, the image of Oikawa’s sleeping face imprinted behind his eyelids, fingers and cheeks burning slightly. Iwaizumi realised, just before his consciousness disappeared, that he would do anything to keep Oikawa like this, anything so he could have the brief peace of sleep.