Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear diary,
I can’t quite believe I’m back in Stamford. Five years ago I wished I could fly far away from here and never come back and, look at me now. I’m back. In my old room. With my mum down in the kitchen preparing hot pot for dinner, while waiting for her husband to return home from work and keeping an eye on her seven year old kid.
Besides that, though, everything is changed. I have an amazing job down in London, a great boyfriend (his name’s Simon and he’s super cute and handsome) and lots of friends.
I must say sometimes I miss the old days down at the pub with the gang but things change, we grow up, we develop new interests and, inevitably, some of us grow apart.
It feels a bit odd writing again to you, diary, you know? Since I left home I never wrote anything down again; don’t know if it was because I basically hadn’t any me time or because I felt a sense of duty towards you but, that’s the truth so, there, it’s a bit weird for me. You’ve been my confident since I was 16 though so I felt like you should’ve known what’s going on with my life. I’m meeting with the lads tonight and I’m very excited. Feels like a lifetime.

“Rae, come down here please. I could use an extra help, you know.”
Some things never change. At least that’s what Rae thought while she put her old diary back in a drawer and went down to the kitchen where the rest of the family was. Jasmine was still playing with her favourite doll, the one Rae had brought her back from her travel to Amsterdam and her mum had finally finished preparing dinner and she was now sitting on the couch. So she didn’t need any help after all.

“It seems like you got it all covered, mum. What did you want?”

“Can’t a mum just want to spend some quality time with her daughter?”

“Are you pregnant again?”

“No, why would you say that?”

“Because you’re being all soft and we’re not soft. We have never been soft.” Linda laughed at her daughter’s words and Jasmine did pretty much the same. Rae wasn’t right, after all. A bunch of things changed while she was away. Karim wanted to learn more of the country he lived in and Linda had given him English lessons and, by doing so, they started talking more: Linda and Jasmine were used to do long and honest conversations, well, as long as a conversation with a seven year old can be and, now that her Rae was home, she just wanted to spend some time with her, knowing a bit more of the life she was facing now, by herself.

“I just want to talk a bit, that’s all.” Rae smiled at her and sat near her on the sofa and, by doing so, although she had been back since the previous morning, she finally felt home.

“So, what do you want to know?”

“Don’t know… tell me something, anything.”

“You already know everything mum, don’t know what you’re looking for, honest.” Linda snorted at Rae’s reaction but Rae knew where her mum was going with her speech and she wasn’t going to let her win. Two words, 10 letters. Finn Nelson.
Since Rae and Finn had split up five years before, Linda had insisted they kept on talking to each other and Rae agreed with her but, once she moved, it was hard to keep in touch and, eventually, they both gave up. The rest of the gang insisted in not telling her anything and Rae never understood why. They always said things like “he’s fine” or “he still plays footie with us”, they never got deeper than that. And she didn’t insist. She didn’t know why they were acting like that and, deep down, it hurt her a little. They had been together for almost two years and she thought she deserved a bit more. To be honest, he had been the one cheating and not the other way around.
Linda noticed her daughter thinking about Finn, she still had that sparkle in her eyes every time she talked or thought about him, although Rae kept on insisting that wasn’t true, and she instantly cheered up.

“How about the gang? Are you meeting with them while you’re here?” There she was. Old, typical Linda. Rae raised her eyes to her mum, intimating her to let it go but Linda wasn’t gonna have it and she pretended not to notice the sudden look on her daughter’s face.
Jasmine walked into the living room, leaving for the first time that day, her doll on the floor and she ran sitting on her sister’s lap.

“Rae-Rae are you going to see Finn today?” Rae moved her eyes from Linda’s face, to lower her look and facing Jasmine.

“First of, it’s Rae, second of, no, why would I see him? I haven’t talked to him in ages.” The she turned again to face her mum and softly smiled, trying to hide the anger inside her. Talking about Finn Nelson wasn’t on her to-do list.
“That answer goes for you too, mum. Enough talking about Nelson, now.”

“I saw him, last week, you know? He has a beard now.” It was like they weren’t even listening to her. Jasmine kept on talking about him and Linda smiled every time she said his name.
Rae couldn’t understand her family, when it came to Finn’s topic. He had cheated on her, just days after asking her to move in with him, who does that? And why that sudden change of mind when Linda had been the one who had told him to go fuck himself when he called home to apologize all those years before?
Since she had left town, every time they talked over the phone, her mum always asked about him, every single time, when she was well aware they weren’t talking to each other.
Rae got it, she was fond of him and he had been very important in her recovery but she had managed being better by herself, it was no one else’s credit. Just hers. And her mum insisted that Finn had been great. Yeah, he had been, until he cheated on her. That changed everything. Just because he’s Finn Nelson he doesn’t always have to get the girl.

“Can we please change the subject?”

“You should go talk to him Rae, it would been good for him.”

“He has lived all these years without me, I think he can manage going on with his life, mum.” With that, she took Jasmine off her lap and went upstairs getting ready for the night. She wasn’t feeling like eating and that was a new one. Finn Nelson still managed to get under her skin even after five years of complete silence. But no, it wasn’t Finn’s fault, at least not this time. It was her mum’s and all her talking about him. It felt like he was her child and she had been the one cheating on him and not the other way around.
No more thinking about Nelson. No more thinking about Nelson. That had been Rae’s mantra until that moment but now, she was back and she was about to see the gang and, inevitably, Finn. The worst thing for her was that she couldn’t even picture him in his head, anymore. His image was fading and, through all those years she didn’t even have a photo of the two of them. Nothing. If she tried it hard enough, she could almost pretend they only existed in her mind and, now that she had Simon, it had to be like that. She was good now, loved, appreciated, respected and old Lincolnshire wasn’t gonna bring her back.

She quickly chose an outfit, a pair of black elegant pants, a red top with long sleeves and black boots, and she got out of the room. She felt more confident now, London was a completely different city; there, she wasn’t ‘Jabba’ or ‘Fat-Rae’ she was just Rachel Earl, Rae for her closest friends, she got her degree and she was a respectable therapist. She was happy. She was proud of herself. For the first time in her life, she was finally proud of herself.
As she went down the stairs, her phone rang and she saw appearing on the screen, Simon’s name. There it was, the Simon’s smile written all over her face.

“Hello there.”

“Hi, love. How are you doing back there? I’m sorry I couldn’t join you.”

“Hi to you, I know you are babe, don’t worry about it. I am… good, yeah. About to get out with my old friends from around here.”

“Glad to hear that, babe. Nelson’s gonna be there, too, I presume?” Back at Finn Nelson again. Was the air of Stamford polluted with Finn Nelson’s name?
Simon knew all about their history together. Before getting together, he had surprised her crying over a stupid song and, trying to break the tension, he had told her that whoever she was crying over, he wasn’t worth it and, mostly, to change the song. He hated “Spaceman”. And, they went from there. Talking long nights, sharing secrets and cabs until, one day, he had asked her out and, for the first time, she had taken Finn Nelson away from her mind.

“Yeah, you presume correct. I talked to Chloe this afternoon and she hasn’t talked to me about him but the all gang is gonna be there so, I guess I’ll see him after all.”

“Well, you go there, fierce and confident as I know you and you knock him on the ground, okay? Gotta go now, babes, love you to the moon and back.” He was too sweet to be true and Rae was totally in love with him.

“Don’t you worry hun, I’ll be fine. Love you, too.” Five minutes with him over the phone was all she needed. She said her goodbye to her mum and Jasmine and she went out. It was chilling out there and she thought about getting home to get a coat but she was already half way and she would have been late to the pub if she had got back.
Just when she turned around the corner, though, she wished she had got home. Her old classmates were hanging in a garage a few steps away from her and, as she tried to walk faster, one of them spotted her and called out for her. Of course, no birth name for her, she was still ‘magic fanny’ for that bunch of idiots but, she was confident now, she could handle them. They were just being jerks.

“No way, they told me you lived in London but, I guess they tossed you out of there, too, huh?” He stood there smiling and taking the piss out of her and she felt pity for him. So much had changed in those five years but Simmy had stayed the same poor guy.

“You alright, Simmy? I’m just visiting my mum and some old friends for a week or so. London’s waiting for me, you know.”

“Oh, so you talk, too. When we were back in high school you usually just hided in bathrooms. Speaking of… I have an old friend here who would be delighted to see you again, I guess. Well, maybe delighted isn’t the right word.” He kept on laughing and he moved just a bit so that Rae could get a look of the rest of the gang. There were two girls she had never seen, Sean and David, Simmy wings men and, another guy in the background, almost hiding in the shadows. She couldn’t tell who that was.

“It doesn’t seem like I recognize anyone.”

“No? Damn, it was five years ago but still, I believe he’s the only one who shagged you around here. Nelson, come out now, your ex-girlfriend’s here. Maybe you too can catch up.”
Nelson? Finn Nelson in Simmy’s gang? How was that even possible? He used to hate guys like him, he stood up for Rae when those idiots were harassing her, how could he have changed that much over the years?
While she tried to wrap her head around the news, a young bearded man came out of the darkness, the same who was sitting in the shadows just seconds before and, as he approached her, she saw him: it was definitely Finn.
He didn’t raise her eyes to her, he was to high to do anything. How could he have gotten that far? Why?

“Finn? It’s… it’s me Rae. It’s been quite some time… how have you been?” She knew it was rhetorical but she didn’t know how to act around him. That wasn’t the Finn Nelson she had known and loved. He mumbled something like “never better, you?” and without even waiting for the answer he got back sitting in his chair.
She was shocked, she didn’t know what to do. She knew she shouldn’t have left him there so she said the first thing that came up to her mind.

“Jaz was asking for you, this afternoon. Why don’t you come around and say ‘hi’?” As she heard her name, he looked at her, even though she couldn’t exactly see him and he smiled to himself, just a bit. She knew he loved her sister, just as much as he was in love with Rae and she tried to bring him to his senses talking about her sister.
He got up from the chair, under the look of his ‘so-called’ friends and went towards Rae, without even speaking. He passed over her and walked towards her place. Rae gave a last look at Simmy and went after him. There was no way she was letting him near her sister in that state and she put herself in front of him, blocking the way. The air thickened as their bodies almost touched after five years.
“What happened to you Finn?”

He raised his eyes at her, not sure what to say, not sure how to answer that question. He didn’t know if he was good or not. He didn’t know if he was meant to become like that.

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean? You’re… I don’t know… a complete different person doesn’t quite cover it.”

“I grew up, so did you. We all did.”

“No ,you’re, I don’t know, you’re weird.” As she said those words, a small smile escaped Finn’s lips. She used to hate that word when it was addressed to her but now, there she was, all judgemental in her new fancy clothes and shoes. He might have been high but, when it came to Rae, he saw clearly.
“I’m sorry, that was the wrong word to use. I’m just not used to see you like this.”

“To be precise you’re not used to see me at all.” Rae froze at those words, waiting to hear the rest. She knew there was something else and, as he raised her eyes to her, once more, she tried to keep the contact, although it almost physically hurt.
“You left.”

In those two words there was an entire world of unspoken things: on one side, they knew they just wanted to hug each other, they knew they both could have gained some sort of comfort, of relief but, on the other they knew they weren’t the same Finn and Rae of five years ago. They had grown apart and they were too different now. They just stood there, listening to the awkward silence between them. They always used to talk to each other for hours about everything, mainly music but, now, they felt like strangers and Rae more than Finn wondered if they could ever find their way back to how they used to be.

“So, are we going to see Jaz or not?”

“Would you like her to see you in this state?”

“Oh she has seen much worst, trust me.”

“What do you mean? She’s only seven, you know that right?” At those words, Finn seemed furious. He didn’t want to argue, he was in no state for a fight but she couldn’t just come around after years and expecting that the rest of the world had just stopped in her absence.
Rae, on the other hand, got almost scared by the look on Finn’s face. Where did that nice and kind guy had gone?

“I am well aware of how old your sister is. As a matter of fact, I am always invited to her birthday parties. I always bring her a present and I play with her from time to time. And, when Linda and her go out together they come by and we spend some time together. I know your family more than you do, Ms. Fancy pants.”

“First of, you don’t get to criticize how I dress and second of, you shouldn’t be around my family, we’re not together.” She tried to detour their argument but she knew she was doing an awful job. The fact was that she didn’t want to believe him but she knew he was telling the truth. That was why her mum always insisted that she tried and talked to him; he was in a really dark place and maybe, just maybe, if she had been a good friend like she should have been, he would have been fine. He wouldn’t be wandering around with Simmy and he would have a life, worth of living.

“So, let me get this straight: you come looking for me and I can’t even talk?”

“I didn’t come looking for you.” He furrowed his eyebrows and she instantly felt her legs shivering. How could he have that much power over her when he was basically being a douchebag?
He got closer and smiled a bit, whispering something like ‘oh, I see’ but, she didn’t quite get the rest of the sentence. The only thing she knew was that in an instant their lips were locked and she couldn’t even understand what was happening.
She instantly pushed him back but he put his arms around her, to keep her close. He clearly didn’t know what he was doing.

“You already left once, you could just stay here now, one minute. Just one minute.” For the first time she felt guilty about leaving, about not giving him another chance, about not forgiving him when she could. But she knew she had to reject him. They weren’t Finn and Rae anymore.

“I have to go now, Finn. Please, let me go.”

“Already done that once, I’m not gonna do it again.” He took her blindsided and he kissed her again, with all the force he had, with all the passion and love he still had for her.
For a brief moment she kissed him back, he was, after all, her first love, but, an image of Simon popped up in her head and she pushed Finn back immediately.

“We’re done, Finn. You know that, I know that, why are we back at this point?”

“Because you still love me the same way I love you. We’ll always be back at this point, can’t you see that? We’ve seen each other after 5 years and, ten minutes after we’re already wrapped in each others arms. For us not to be together, we should never meet again but, we’d be miserable. You know that, I know that.”

“I’m not miserable without you. I’m good.”

“And that’s what you want from life? You want to be good?”

“Is there something else?” He briefly smiled and looked back at her. Right there, as he approached her and she walked back, to escape from his inevitable hold, she looked him right in his eyes and, she knew, he wasn’t drunk at all. He was faking it. He was punishing himself for letting her go all those years back and he was spending time with those who he hated the most to atone some kind of guilt he felt inside and he pretended to be just like them. But he wasn't. He never was like them.

“Yes, there is. There’s us. We have never been good, we have never been great. We have been extraordinary and you say you’re good now because you know you can’t have that with anyone else. Not even with Simon.”

“You know about Simon? How?”

“I know all of it. And I frankly don’t care.” He took her in her arms again and kissed her but this time it was different. It was patient, honest, kind, gentle. He was waiting to be accepted by her and, as she put her arms around his neck, the kiss took a quick turn. They were one now, just like five years before.
As he stopped the kiss to catch some air, Rae rearranged her mind and realized it was all a mistake. Finn was her past, she couldn’t have stayed in Stamford. She had a career, a boyfriend, a life in another town and, for the first time she had ever met him, she wondered if he was worth throwing everything in the air.
He went to kiss her again, but the passion of the moment was gone. She was lucid now and she knew what she needed to do.

“What is it, girl?”

“I’m not girl anymore, that’s what’s going on. I haven't been your girl since I left this town and I feel like I can be your girl only if I stay here. I’m sorry but I can’t do that. I can’t stay here for you. We are done Finn, and nothing’s changed.”

“You know that’s not true and you also know we’ll be back at this point in a short time. Why wait?”

“We’ll never be in this position again. I’ll never come back if I need to keep it that way. I have to go now. Pretend like I left and I never came back, pretend like tonight never happened, it will be easier for you.”

“I don’t have to pretend. You did leave as you’re leaving now. You’re always leaving and I’m always waiting. It’s a never ending loop.”

- 7 years ago –

“No, please Chlo, a football match? Really? I just got back and I need to get out to watch footie?”

“No, you idiot, you have to get out so you can meet my new friends. You’re gonna love them, trust me. Plus, who knows, you could meet some nice lads.” Rae hated two things: watching football and meeting new people. Mostly because she hated that she could make the acquaintance of some idiots who would just take the piss out of her and partially because she wasn’t in the mood of meeting new people. Let alone Chloe’s friends.
“I won’t take no for an answer, I’ll see you at the field in half an hour.” And with that she hang up. Now, she was forced to go. Great.

Dear diary,
I’m on my way to see Chloe and her new friends. Can’t wait.
You get the irony of that, don’t you diary?
I hate meeting people. I’ll probably bump into a bunch of strangers in their sweated shirts and I’ll even have to pretend I like them. KILL ME NOW.

She hid her journal and she got down to tell her mum she was going out. As usual, Linda didn’t pay much attention as she was too busy making out with her new lover, Karim, and so Rae got out leaving a post-it on the kitchen table.
The only positive note of that day was that the field was near her place and she could get there just by walking and that, once all of that would have been over, she could have called Tix and talk to her about how crazy those people were.
She missed Tix. She missed not talking to her every day, chatting with her and Danny. But no, she didn’t miss the mental hospital. Definitely not.
Plus, Tix was going to be okay and she would have been out of there soon enough. They were going to do all those things outside the hospital, maybe in a park, near a pond so that Danny could watch ducks. They would have been happy. They would have.

As she approached the field, she saw Chloe talking to a red headed girl and, beside her two quite good-looking lads. Maybe going out hadn’t been such a terrible idea.

“Rae! You made it.!” Great, now Ms. Popularity was screaming her name in the crowd and was running towards her. She wasn’t going to go unnoticed. She could already hear people laughing.
Chloe threw her arms around her and led her to the rest of the gang.
“Right people, this is Rae. Rae, these are Izzy, Chop and Archie. And over there…” Chloe extended her arm to the field, pointing her index to a boy in his white shorts and green shirt.
“There’s Finn.” Rae felt her jaw dropping. There was no way she was going to hang out with those people. Finn was too much to see and not being able to touch. She tried to mask her feelings but Chloe and Izzy immediately noticed.

The afternoon, with Rae’s disbelief, went great and the gang, which Rae was already feeling like a part of, decided to go to the pub afterwards.
Chop and Archie went to congratulate their mate for winning the match and the girls followed them.
The more time they spent together, the more Rae felt like she had finally found someone to talk to and she didn’t even know that was going to be possible once outside the hospital. She had always thought that people were mean and judgemental but this wasn’t the case; Izzy was funny and incredibly kind, Archie was so smart and Chop was definitely the leader of the group, or the clown of it. The only one missing was the notorious Finn Nelson.

He got out just when they approached the changing room and he had just had a shower. ‘It’s like looking at God’, that was the first thing Rae thought about him. The second was ‘he’s definitely a jerk’.
Chop introduced Rae to Finn and he barely nodded in her direction with half a smile and then went back to talk to his teammates. Definitely, a jerk.
But, Rae didn’t have time for people like him. She had Izzy, Chloe, Chop and Archie, and she was happy with that.
She almost couldn’t wait to go to the pub with them and finally have a regular night out.
Unfortunately, before Chop got the chance of speaking, Rae knew they were six and they only had one car; she knew she was going to go to the pub by herself.

“Right, people I have a car but only four seats. Seen as Finn as its own bike how about one goes with him?” No one said a word. Rae couldn’t know this but Finn wasn’t exactly the best driver on the planet so everyone took a step back but her.
Finn looked around and saw that Rae was the only one still standing next to him.

“Right, Mae, come on. Off we go.”

“It’s Rae, actually. Plus, I don’t know you. I’m not going on that thing with you.”

“You don’t know Chop either. Come on, we’re gonna be late.”

He was a dickhead but damn, he was hot. Plus, she could have wrapped her arms around him and that sounded amazing. He put his helmet on and gave her the other one. Then, she helped her get on the bike and they left together for the pub as Chop and the others followed with the car.
The others were right, he was a crazy driver. Rae thought she was about to die four of five times. Once she spotted the pub’s sign, she thanked God for still being alive and, as soon as she could, she got off the bike and she clumsy threw the helmet at Finn, without a word.

“You’re welcome, by the way.”

“I almost died five times out there. I’m not gonna say thank you, dickhead.”

“You’re hilarious, Mae.”

“I told you, it’s Rae.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.”

Chapter Text

Monday

Dear diary,
last night was incredible. Chloe’s new friends are great and I feel like they could actually like me back. It’s definitely weird for me to have male friends, especially when they’re so good looking and all I would like to do is shag them until there’s nothing left.
They’re having a party tomorrow at Finn “I’m sexy and I know it” Nelson’s place but, unfortunately, I wasn’t invited. It’s okay, though. I’m new and they still have to get to know me better before inviting me to parties. Plus, I’ve got nothing to wear to that kind of thing so, I’m cool with that.

Parties weren’t exactly Rae’s stuff but she wasn’t exactly being truthful to herself either. She would have liked an invitation, more than liked actually because, well, it was Finn Nelson’s place after all. Getting invited to a party at his place basically meant that she had actually found a group of friends that liked to be in her presence but, nope, not this time.
Not that she liked Finn Nelson; he had been a piece of shit the entire time the night before down at the pub but, still, he was definitely handsome and weirdly funny.
Chloe had mentioned that he was a particular lad but, ‘particular’ wasn’t even close to describe him.
He had tried to talk to Rae once or twice but it always seemed like he wasn’t really interested in making conversation. Then, a group of Barbie’s entered the pub and, puff, he was gone, chasing the one with the shortest skirt around. So obvious.
Izzy, Rae and Chloe were already a pretty strong team; Izzy was basically a cupcake and Chloe, despite the fact that she could turn from friend to bitch in no time, she always knew how to reassure Rae about all her insecurities. She wasn’t at all like Rae remembered, she was more mature than any other girl at her age. Chop and Archie were great, funny and extremely unpredictable, especially Chop. He was definitely the clown of the gang just as she had presumed the day before.

“Rae, someone’s looking for you. Door. NOW!” Oh, why did she have to scream every bloody time? Plus, the only person who could have been on her doorstep was Chloe so, why the hell she didn’t let her in?
Rae went downstairs to find the door locked. There was no one there.

“Why did you ask me to come down if no one’s around?”

“Because there is. Out the door.”

“You left Chloe on the doorstep? Why? Couldn’t you just let her in?”

“It’s not Chloe, Rae. It’s a lad.” A lad? No boy knew where she lived, how was that even possible? Was someone stalking her? But no, who could stalk her, of all people?
She went to unlock the door to find the most unexpected lad in all Lincolnshire. Without a particular reason, Finn Nelson was waiting for her, waiting to talk to her. Or taking the piss, Rae wasn’t exactly sure. But, then again, why would he be there just to take the piss? That didn’t make a bloody sense into Rae’s mind.
Still, there he was, Finn Nelson, in his leather jacket, looking absolutely freaking gorgeous, on Rae Earl’s doorstep.

“Hiya.” He smiled and winked at her like it was the most natural thing to do in that circumstance. Rae was, well, shocked, doesn’t quite cover how she felt in that moment. The only thing she knew was that this handsome guy was winking at her and that she felt her legs shivering.

“Hi. What you doing here?”

“Felt like you could use a ride to the pub. I noticed you don’t have a bike or a car.”

“Ehm, thanks but no, thank you.” The hell she was going to jump on that thing with him again. Yeah, it had been kind of him but, no, she didn’t want to risk dying.
He seemed disappointed with her choice and, like he always did, he put a hand on his heart ad closed his eyes hoping that she would change her mind.

“You’re killing me here, Mae. Don’t you wanna be seen with me?” Perhaps is the other way around, Rae thought. Why was he acting like that? The night before he didn’t even want to talk to her and now there he was, begging her to jump on the back of his bike? What was wrong with this lad?

“It’s not that. It’s the bike I don’t like. Plus, my mum would never allow it.”

“Does that mean you like me, then?” And there it was again; the smile. The most beautiful smile Rae had ever seen, that was for sure but, still, it didn’t feel like it was true. The all thing felt like a charade. He was playing with her, messing with her, but, he definitely wasn’t there because he wanted to be.

“When did I mention that I like you?”

“Well, I asked if you didn’t want to be seen with me and you said no.”

“So, if someone wants to be seen with you, they automatically like you? You’ve got a twisted mind, Nelson.”

“Not to brag about it but, everyone likes me, Mae.”

“Well, I don’t, so, thanks but I’m going to the pub by myself. Have a good day.” And with that, she slammed the door at his face only to open it again a second later. She had forgot something.
“And, once again, it’s Rae, dickhead.” She slammed it again before he could even reply.

He was so full of himself. Not to brag about it but, everyone likes me, Mae. Who the hell does he think he is? God? Rae had always hated people like him and now, she had one in her gang. Sure, she was the new girl in the group and so, she had to be clement if she wanted to be accepted, she couldn’t just show up and say ‘Finn Nelson is a twat’ even though she believed so with every bone in the body.
No, she needed to play it nice even if she didn’t want to. Maybe with time, they could have even become friends. Maybe they already were and she hadn’t got it. Maybe he had just been kind and she, in return, had just treated him like garbage.
She went to the phone and composed Chloe’s number. She needed to apologize to Finn and she was the only one who could get her his number.

“Hello, this is Rae. Is Chloe home?”

“Babe it’s me. What’s up? Aren’t we meeting at the pub soon?”

“Yeah, I just need Nelson’s phone number. He came by and I treated him like shit.” There was a long silence from Chloe’s side. She probably couldn’t believe just as much as Rae couldn’t, that Finn Nelson himself had showed up on her doorstep.
“Hello, Chloe, you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m here, I was just processing. Anyway, I don’t have his number. Try it with Archie, he might be the only one who has it.”

“How about an address?” If he had showed up at her place, why couldn’t she do the same? Sure, it was going to be awkward but she needed to apologize before going to the pub. She didn’t want it to get any more awkward than it was already.

“Sure, I have that one. But, you’re just gonna show up at his place? He doesn’t like that much.”

“I’ll be quick.” Chloe eventually agreed and gave her the address. Rae hadn’t thought trough her plan that much, she wasn’t even sure about what to say to a guy she basically didn’t even know but, she knew she had to gain some confidence and apologize. She had been too rude without a particular reason and she hated when people did that to her.
Once she closed the conversation, she took her jacket and went to Finn’s place.
Hi there, sorry for being a dickhead earlier… nope, that wasn’t right. He would have used that against her, she was sure of it.
Hiya, I just wanted to apologize about earlier and thanking you for the ride you… what the hell? She might as well write a poem, it would be less long anyway.

Finn, sorry about before.
I was being an idiot.
See ya at pub later.
RAE.

She wrote that on a piece of paper and, once she got to his place, she put it in the mail box. She couldn’t exactly be sure he would have read it before getting to the pub but, once she was walking, she realized it was too much thinking that she could have just talked to him, at his place, just the two of them. No freaking way.
Yeah, a note would have been nice. Not too pretentious, not too nosy.

Two hours later they were all at the pub but Finn; Rae was so happy to be with them. She felt included, appreciated. For the first time, she felt like she hadn’t been admitted to a mental hospital and stayed there for three months. She was a new Rae.
Then Finn Nelson got in. Without even seeing him, she could feel he had entered the place: all the girls turned around and looked at the entrance with flirty eyes and Chop made a joke about him being a lady killer. He loved being at the centre of the attention. He couldn’t be any more different than Rae. Two parallel lines that never cross path.

“Hi everyone.” He looked at everyone but Rae, then took a chair and put it near hers. He got near her and whispered ‘Mae’ as some sort of personal greeting. Then he winked again. For a moment, Rae presumed he had a tick to his right eye. But no, he was actually winking at her for no particular reason.
“Sorry I’m late but Mae here left a note in my mail box and I took my time reading it.” Rae felt like her skin was burning; why was he bringing the note up? If she wanted the others to know she would have just apologized at the pub. Everyone suddenly looked at Rae, confused. She didn’t know what to say, she just knew she had to play his same game.

“I was just passing by and I thought I should’ve apologized but I didn’t wanna knock.”

“Why not? I would have let you in.” And he winked again. Okay, that was definitely a tick. And if it wasn’t… well, it had to be. There was no way that Finn Nelson was flirting with her.
Archie coughed and stepped in the conversation as he realized Rae was in trouble.

“Yeah, like you let me in that time I stopped by without invitation? You slammed the door in my face, mate.” Finn moved his attention from Rae to Archie and laughed as he remembered that moment..

“First of, you’re not Mae and second, now that you mention it, I think Mae and I might actually have something in common. She slammed her door in my face this morning.” He suddenly returned the attention to her and he was literally inches away from her face. Rae had to keep all her self control not to faint right there. He smelled of CK One and he was delicious. Plus, she was almost sure he was flirting. She absolutely needed to play the same game. She took a sip out her snakebite and black and looked at him.

“Bet it was a first for you.” Everyone laughed. Although he was their friend, the rest of the gang loved when someone put Finn in his place for a bit.

“I, on the other hand, bet next time you won’t.”

“Oh, so you’re that desperate you’re going to knock on the same door twice?” The gang couldn’t handle it anymore. Rae was too funny and they were so pleased with Chloe for bringing her in. Finn was amused by that bickering, he had never found someone who could stand up to him in that way.
He usually didn’t let anyone win but, this time, Rae had played her cards correctly and, anyway, there would have been time to beat her. He wanted to let her think she won but that was just round 1. He got up and went to the bar getting a beer but he never came back. Rae saw him leaving with a brunette in a skirt and high heels and didn’t get a glimpse of him for the rest of the day. Strange dude that Nelson, she thought.

Tuesday

Dear diary,
I’m not going to see the gang today. They are all at Finn’s place prepping the house for the big party I wasn’t invited to. I mean, first he shows up at my place, and acts all weird and flirty. Then, down at the pub he keeps winking at me and putting his arm on my chair, clearly trying to touch me and then he doesn’t even invite me to his own bloody party. I HATE HIM.
No, I don’t.
Thank God it’s already 7PM. Tomorrow will be here soon.

She didn’t want to admit it but she was already crushing over him. He was fit, sometimes kind, sometimes a dickhead but, still, he was interested in her. He seemed actually interested in her. She tried to shake that thought out of her head but she wasn’t exactly succeeding. Plus, seeing him every day wasn’t helping either. He was too much. Too handsome, too gorgeous. How could she resist?
She had asked herself during the night what would have happened if she actually would have knocked on that bloody door but she couldn’t believe he would have let her in. Down at the pub he was only joking. All of that was a joke and she was falling for it.
That’s how she passed her days: one moment believing he was interested and the next acknowledging it was just a joke. Just a way for him to spend his time. He loved flirting and being at the centre of the attention and she was just fresh meat. Plus, she hadn’t given herself over to him and that must have driven him mental. Yeah, that was definitely what was going on between the two of them.

Her mum and Karim had left her the house to herself and she had decided she was going to listen to some music on her own. That was the only thing that could keep her distracted from the fact that her friends were having the best of times while she was convicted in her place thanks to Mr. Sexyness.
She went upstairs with a sandwich and picked out her favourite Oasis’s album.
Thank God for Noel Gallagher.
As “Roll with it” started playing, someone knocked at the front door. It was probably her neighbor complaining for the music as usual but, she was determined not to open. No one could come between Noel Gallagher and her.
One minute and there was another knock. Then again. Then, whoever was at the door never stopped and Rae had to inevitably come down to open. She was going to give her a piece of her mind, that was for sure. Even in her rainbow vest.

She opened and… shit. Finn Nelson again. She suddenly felt embarrassed about opening the door with that thing on. Why did she have to wear that bathrobe every bloody time she was at home? For all she could know, Damon Albarn could have showed up on her doorstep and she would have greeted him in the robe. Un-fucking-believable.

“Nelson, what you doing here again?”

“Look Mae, I can pretend I saw you today at my place prepping for tonight’s party but I can’t pretend you’re there now.” What was he on about? He hadn’t invited her and now he was asking why she wasn’t there?

“What the hell are you on about now?”

“The party. My place. I told everyone about it two days ago.”

“Yeah, no, I know, but you didn’t invite me.” He furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief, looking to the ground, then, he raised his eyes to her again. He looked confused.

“Mae, I looked at you and I said, no better yet, I quote: you can come too if you want, Mae.”

“I thought you were joking.”

“Why would I be joking?”

“Because… you winked at me.”

“And?” Was this guy for real? Back at the pub the other night, he wasn’t even asking, he had just threw the ball at her, and now he was pretending he’d ask her to go at his bloody party?

“And, Nelson, that didn’t feel like an invitation at all. It felt more like ‘oh, if you don’t know what to do, you can come’ like ‘I wish you didn’t but if you insist’”. He started laughing, a look a bit confused on his face but he just couldn’t stop laughing at her words.

“I always say this, you girls watch too many movies. It was just an invitation, Mae.”

“For fuck’s sake, it’s R-A-E, and you know it.”

“You can be R-A-E to everyone else, to me you keep on being Mae.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you love me. Now that we’ve established that, I’d say go get dressed and let’s go to the party.”
She wished she could say no, she wished she could just stay at her place and, physically, there was nothing stopping her but she desperately wanted to go to that party after all. Right there, in that moment, with Finn ‘bloody’ Nelson waiting for her and practically begging her to come to the party, it didn’t matter that she didn’t know what to wear. The only thing that mattered was that Finn Nelson had left his own damn place to come and get her. He did care after all. He really was interested after all.

“Fine, whatever. Would you like to come in, in the meantime?” A huge grin appeared on his face.

“Thought you never asked. Told you you would have let me in next time.” And, right there, the doubt came back. Was this just a proof to test his masculinity? Was he just there because he needed to establish he was in charge of their so called relationship?
He sat on the sofa while Rae hurried upstairs and got dressed in less than 10 minutes. An Oasis top and a pair of jeans would have been enough. As she came down, he got up, almost as if he wanted to take a good look at her.
“You look nice.”

“Thank you. Now, please promise me we’re not going to die on that bike of yours.”

“You’re hilarious Mae, seriously. No, for you only the best. I took my dad’s car. You’ll be safe.”

“If you say so.” He opened and held the door for her, like a true gentleman and then he did the same with his car. It was like there were two people inside of him, fighting to emerge at the same time. That was why he was sometimes moody and sometimes a nice lad.
The ride to his place was quiet and Rae surprised him looking a bit too much at her breast while driving.

“Nelson, keep your eyes on the road, please.”

“I’m not doing anything, Mae but, you can’t keep a guy from looking.”

“Oh, I can, this is private property.”

“Maybe you could extend the lease to someone else.”

“Nelson, for the last time, eyes on the road.”

“Yeah, Mae, don’t worry.” Rae didn’t want to admit it but she liked Finn’s interest in her. True, he wasn’t exactly being a gentleman but he was a teenager sitting next to a girl with probably the biggest breast he had ever seen. He had to give him the benefit of the doubt.
The party would have given her the answer she needed.
As soon as they arrived at Finn’s place, she went inside to say to the girls who were a little shocked but happy at the same time to see her there. After all, she wasn’t the only one who hadn’t got Finn’s invitation down at the pub.

The night went down smoothing but, it was basically like Finn wasn’t even there. Rae spent the entire time with the girls and Archie, who even invited her to dance. Rae just couldn’t understand why Finn was acting like a complete knobhead. He was making no sense; why picking her up just to leave her there without even sharing a word?

“You okay Rae? You seem upset?”

“I’m fine Archie, I just can’t seem to understand people lately.” They kept on dancing for a bit more until someone came from behind Rae and Archie stop almost immediately moving.

“Archie mate, do you mind if I cut in?” Finn fucking Nelson.

“Not at all mate, she’s all yours.”

“Archie wait…” Rae couldn’t even finish her sentence that she was already dancing with Finn. How could he assume, without even asking, that she wanted to dance with him after all?
“You could have asked me first, dickhead.”

“What?”

“If I wanted to dance with you. I don’t, in case it mattered.”

“Why do you give me such hard time, Mae?”

“I treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”

“It doesn’t seem like it. I gave you a ride to the pub on the first day I met you and I invited you to my party. Then I came by your place and asked you if you needed a ride and you slammed the door in my face. Then I came back to your place once more and I brought you here. I even waited for you to get dressed. I’ve been nice to you. I’m not usually nice, Mae.”

“Should I kneel before you, then?”

“I didn’t say that but, you could be nicer.”

“Let just put things in their order now, shall we? You gave me a ride to the pub and asked me to the party because you would have sounded rude if you hadn’t. You came to my place because you wanted me to owe you something and then, you came back to my place just to prove that you own the situation between us. Which you don’t by the way.”

“Oh, we have a situation then.”

“Is that all that you got from my speech? And, just stop looking at my boobs, for Christ’s sake. Haven’t you seen a woman before?”

“Oh I have, believe me I have, it’s just…”

“Yeah, they’re big, so what? They are just boobs. You seem like a perv.”

“I am no such thing. I just appreciate what’s right in front of me. And we both know you enjoy my attentions.”

“Just because you’re Finn Nelson, doesn’t mean you always get the girl.”

“Wanna make a bet?”

“You’re disgusting.”

“So disgusting that you’re dancing with me and our bodies are so close we could actually be one person instead of two.” She knew they were physically close but they couldn’t be more apart mentally. He was an animal and, maybe it was alcohol’s fault or maybe he was just being honest with the help of it but the fact that he was being a pig, remained.
She had to get away from him, she had to cut him off. Maybe if he realized he couldn’t have her, there could still be a chance for all of them to be together. As friends.
She looked at him and without breaking the eye contact, she got away from his hold. He looked a bit confused but he didn’t insist. At least he wasn’t being a jerk in that occasion.

“Look, Finn, I’ve got nothing against you but if you think that you can treat me like the rest of the girls in this flat, you’re wrong. I’m a person, not an animal.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Mae, I was only joking.”

“And it’s Rachel from now on. No more nicknames, are we clear?” She didn’t mean to raise the tone and get everybody’s attention but she was so mad at him she couldn’t control herself.

“Rachel, okay. Got it.” With that, he didn’t even have the courage to face her and got back to a bunch of skinny girls waiting for him and basically drooling over him. She was content with what she had done but he seemed devastated, probably a bit too much sorry considering they had only met two days before.

As Rae wrapped her head around it, trying to figure out if she had really done the right thing or if maybe she had been a bit too harsh on him, Finn, on the other side of the room kept on being ‘assaulted’ by one particular girl.

“Why did you dance with her and not me? I was waiting for you.”

“Because she’s my friend and I wanted to dance with her. You don’t like my friends, you can leave.”

“Friends? She treated you like shit.”

“Yeah well, she had her reasons. I should never drink this much.”

Chapter Text

Two entire days had gone by since the party at Finn Nelson’s place and she hadn’t heard anything from him or anyone else, for that matter.
She was starting to feel alone again, she was wondering if she had actually done the right thing by rejecting him the way she did.
He had been an asshole but maybe, just maybe, it was his way of getting to know her. Most lads don’t know how to talk to a girl, especially if this one doesn’t show particular interest in their bits.
Well, she did but that was not the point. The point was that she had screwed everything up, again. It was just the way she handled things. Things she liked. People she liked. She just screwed everything up without a way out of it.
Not once in that complicated mind of hers had glimpsed the thought that maybe, just maybe, she had been right by treating him that way. He had been a complete twat, treated her like some sexual toy but no, sure, it had to be her fault. Finn fucking Nelson seemed interested in her so it had to be her fault. How many chances could she have of getting out with someone like Nelson?

Linda had noticed a sudden change in her daughter’s behaviour but she didn’t know how to handle her: she hated that the two of them didn’t have some sort of relationship but she knew that, sometimes, Rae needed to sort things out on her own. She would have liked nothing more that to soothe her, to comfort her, to actually talk to her but, she just didn’t know how. And she hated it with everything in her. She always wondered if maybe it wasn’t too late for them. An adolescent and her mum, how could they ever agree on something? How could they ever talk about something other than ‘what’s for dinner?’.

As she caught up some courage, Linda got upstairs and knocked on her daughter’s door. She was writing her journal, as usual and she didn’t seem in the mood for a chat.

“Rae, hun, what you doing?”

“What does it seem to you? Writing this bloody journal that, for the record, doesn’t help me at all.”
Rae knew she had been rude but she didn’t know how to talk to her mother and she wasn’t even sure she’d care enough to listen to her, anyway.
Linda, on the other hand, knew that she couldn’t quit, not just yet: her daughter needed to talk to someone and if it wasn’t gonna be her than maybe Chloe or that sweet lad who was always showing up on their doorstep, could have helped her in some way.

“How about you, I don’t know, ring Chloe and see if the two of you can go shopping?”

“I don’t know… I don’t feel like hanging out right now.” She knew her mum was at least trying, she needed to give her the benefit of the doubt. Plus, she was the only one with whom she could talk to, anyway.

“How about you go down to that pub then? You’ve always been there these last few days.”

“Yeah, thanks but no thank you.” And right there, Finn was back in her mind again. That was the same answer she had given him a few days before and it hit her: she missed him. She missed bloody Finn Nelson. Why do girls always miss the ones who treat them like shit? What’s so appealing about them?
She couldn’t possibly be missing Finn Nelson. Mostly because she was almost sure she wasn’t going to see him again but also because there was no way he was missing her. What’s the point in wasting your time in thinking about someone who doesn’t even like you?
“Mum, I really appreciate what you’re doing here but, there’s no need. I’m good.”

“You were good the last time as well and, look what happened.”

“Just because it happened once, doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen again. I told you, I’m good.” Linda wanted desperately to believe her own kid but, she was scared. And how could she not be? She was missing her therapy session back at the hospital, she was all alone in her room again, she had no friends to talk to. It was exactly like the last time and, she hated to think that she could come home one day to find her laying on the floor in a pool of blood. She couldn’t risk that again.

“Alright, then, I trust you, Rae. I’ll be home for dinner, same as Karim, okay?” Rae briefly nodded and got back at writing her own journal, it wasn’t as unhelpful as she wanted to make it sound, apparently. Linda, pretended to buy the all ‘I’m good’ thing and went downstairs, took her purse and got out with Karim.

Meanwhile Rae stayed in her room for another hour and she kept on writing and writing so much her hand started to hurt after a while but, she didn’t care. She wanted to put it all out, on the paper. It was just another way of hurting herself. She wasn’t writing the facts, she wasn’t telling a story. She was just diminishing herself, like she was used to do. But writing it and, have it there to read again and again it wasn’t doing her any good. In fact it was just being a reminder how much she hated herself and…

A knock.
It had to be her mum probably forgetting her keys. She always forgot her keys.
She got up and went to unlock the door but once she got on her doorstep she realized no one was there. It probably was just another prank from some douchebag that lived nearby; she was used to them by now. She took a step back and just when she was about to close the door she spotted a piece of paper from under the welcoming rug. A letter? A card? Why not put it in the mail box? Was this some kind of sick joke?
She took it in her hand and got back inside. She wasn’t sure about reading it or not but, she was curious. She sat on the couch and, with trembling hands she opened the envelop and got out of it a small note.

Mae Rachel,
Sorry for the things I said.
Sorry for the way I acted.
I was drunk and I was just being an asshole.
Could you please forgive me and go back loving me?
Finn

She couldn’t help but smiling a bit. There he was again. Caring and kind Finn Nelson. She was a bit disappointed that he hadn’t showed up on her doorstep like he was now used to do but she was also grateful. He was giving her the time to decide with her own timing, he was waiting for her. Again.
All those doubts about him went away in a spare second and she was tempted about going down to the pub and meet the rest of the gang but she knew she had to talk to Finn first. Alone.
Could she handle it? What if he made another sarcastic comment and they would be back at square one? No, she needed to write him a note. Just like last time. It was their thing now, after all.

She got up and went back to her room to get dressed. She hated that she was always so unsure about what to put on. It wasn’t like she was going to bloody Buckingham Palace, she was just going to put a note in a mail box, for fuck’s sake.
Still, she couldn’t shake that feeling. What if he met the man of her life along the way and she was wearing a bloody yellow vest with a rainbow on it? She wasn’t even going to notice her and she would have missed the chance of being happy.
Oh, bollocks to that. If he wasn’t into her shirts with rainbows and clouds, he wasn’t right for her.

Fifteen minutes later she was out and headed over Finn Nelson’s place. Her note in the pocket and her look down to the ground. She hated looking people in the eyes while walking. Well, it wasn’t exactly like she hated seeing people along the way she just hated the comments they were going to do about her if they had encountered her eyes. Unfortunately, she was one of those girls people loved to mess with. Right in her face.
Luckily, Finn’s place wasn’t that far from hers and she got there in just ten minutes, avoiding all the twats she was used to meet along the way.
She took her note from her pocket and read it a second time, just to be sure it wasn’t too cheeky. She wanted him back as her friend but she didn’t want to sound ridiculous. She couldn’t believe her and Finn Nelson were actually writing each other notes since the moment they had met.

It will take you more than a note to be forgiven but, for now, we’re cool.
Just so you know, I don’t hate you and I don’t love you, either.
Mae

Not too cheesy and not too preposterous.
She put it in the mail box and she got back on the road to her place, head down as usual. The one thing she didn’t think through though, was that by walking like that she could have easily gone bumping against someone and, as she turned around the corner, she did.
She got her eyes up for a brief moment, a bit frightened by what, or better who, could be standing in front of her and she came across a shy smile and a pair of brown eyes surrounded by freckles.

“Mae… chel. Hi. What you doing here?” She smiled at him and he smiled back while putting his arm behind his neck, clearly amused and confused by her presence there.
She didn’t know if she should have lied to him or not but she knew that if they wanted to start a new path together, she needed to be honest.

“Maechel, is that a new name, Nelson?” This time he laughed and she, with him.

“Sorry, I was just, you know…” Finn Nelson didn’t have words. What on Earth had happened to him? He was all of a sudden turned into the shyest guy on the planet?
Rae smiled and finished his sentence for him with a simple ‘I know’ and he smiled again. She knew he didn’t know how to call her after their last encounter.
“So… you didn’t answer my question. What are you doing around here?”

“Just came to your house actually. Left a note for ya.” His ego had been filled again and a huge grin appeared on his face. He was happy he was in charge again.

“You did, didn’t you?” He folded his arms on his chest and leaned against the wall. He was absolutely gorgeous, his arm tensing up as he put his weight onto it but she shouldn’t have paid attention to that. She was there to be friends, nothing more, nothing less.

“Yeah, I thought I should have returned the favour, you know.” She mimicked him and she folded her arms on her chest. He smiled at her being sarcastic and felt a bit disappointed that he wasn’t getting the same view of her cleavage as before.

“And what did you write if I MAY ask?” He was so different from the last time. He was always different when there were just the two of them. Just like she had previously established, it was like there were two different people in the same body. And she definitely like this version better than the other one. Sure, she liked the attentions, which girl doesn’t? But it’s one thing to get attentions and it’s another to be treated like an animal. He could keep being nice without necessarily being a pig.

“Are you blind? Go at your place and find about it yourself.”

“Still hilarious, Mae. Sorry… Rachel.” He saddened a little but he got almost right away she was fine with him calling her Mae. She couldn’t have known that but he hadn’t been exactly great either in that brief time he hadn’t seen her with the rest of the gang. He just didn’t know how to apologize, he never had to. Girls usually took everything he gave them, they felt lucky Finn Nelson was giving them his attention but not Rae. No, she was different and he wanted to know why. Why couldn’t he seem charming to the one he really wanted to appear like one?
It’s not like he was in love or anything, he just liked having her around and the only way he knew how to keep a woman close was flirting with her. He just wanted her close. Just that.

“I’ll see ya later, dickhead, yeah?” Everything was good again. She didn’t know for how long but they were fine now and, she was now free to go back to the gang she had missed so much. She also wanted to give them a piece of her mind, after all she had had a fight with Finn not them so they should have come looking for her in the last two days but, right now, she just wanted to be around them, again.
Finn, on the other hand, didn’t want to let her go that soon.
She had just seen her but he was already sort of missing her and he hated it. Finn Nelson never missed anyone. They missed him. He was the leader, the alpha male, not the other way around. He turned and watched her walking. She was beautiful. But no, they were just friends. She wasn’t interested and he wasn’t either.
She just needed her close.

“Mae, wait up.” Rae stopped dead in her tracks and turned her head around just in time to see Finn running to catch up with her. Did he actually wanted to talk to her? Was he escorting her somewhere? Was he just joking again? Rae hated that his actions made her ask herself all those questions.
“Do you think I could walk you wherever it is that you’re going? I know you don’t wanna be seen with me and all of that…” She gave him a small slap across his chest before he could even finish his sentence and he burst into laughter.

“Oh stop being so melodramatic, Nelson. ‘Course you can come.” They walked side by side for a bit, talking about everything that could come up to their minds. They were great together, no, not great. Extraordinary. That’s what Finn was thinking as he talked to her, anyway. He wish they could have stayed like that forever, until she froze, looked across the street, and pulled him into an alley.
It felt cosy, Finn couldn’t exactly deny that but it also felt weird. Why did she have to drag him into an alley, out of the blue?

“What the hell you’re doing Mae?”

“Are they coming this way?”

“Who’s coming where?”

“Those guys from across the street. Just take a look, are they coming here?” Finn was confused; he hadn’t seen anyone but, then again, he was too focused checking Rae out from head to toe to notice anyone being around. He popped his head out to find the little gang of Big G, waiting for the traffic lights to cross the street. They were definitely going in their direction but he just couldn’t understand why she had felt the need to hide.
“So? Spit it out, Nelson.”

“Yeah, they’re coming this way, why do you care that much?”

“Oh shit, oh shit.” She kept on swearing as Finn kept on getting more and more confused. Sure, Big G wasn’t exactly the funniest lad on the planet but there was no reason in hiding from him. He played it out as if he was this big guy but, taken alone, he was easy to scare off.

“Seriously, Mae, why did you drag me down here?”

“He would have seen us together.”

“And?”

“And!” Then she moved her hand and, with her index, pointed at him first and then at her, shaking her head afterwards. Finn just couldn’t get it. Why was she so afraid of being spotted with him?

“You’re making no sense Mae, come on let’s go now.” He grabbed her arm and tried to take her back on the street but she, with all the strength she had, managed to drag him back in the alley and they were now basically staring at each other, lips inches away from one another. As she looked at him embarrassed, he softened his look and smiled at her, cupping her face with his free hand.
“Oh, I get it now. You just wanted me to yourself.” He then tried to kiss her but she jerked away. On a second thought, she wasn’t sure why she had done that in the first place but, in that moment, it didn’t feel right.
“Mae you have no idea how what you just did hurts me.”

“Oh shut up.” She knew he was joking by his putting his hand over chest but smiling at the same time but, he seemed kind of sweet. He didn’t know what was going on but he still tried to make her more comfortable.
Finn, on the other hand, wasn’t exactly hurt as he showed, he just couldn’t get it. So there was, in fact, a girl capable of resisting him. Why did he have to be the one he liked the most, though? You don’t like her, idiot, she’s just escaping you, that’s why you’re intrigued. You don’t like, you just flirt. You just flirt Finn, come on.He repeated that to himself almost as a mantra as he kept on looking at her and biting his bottom lip. He was just intrigued and that was it.

“Would you just tell me what happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“Then why did you drag me here? What was all that ‘me and you together, don’t work’ you just did with your index?” She wasn’t sure she could tell him. Could she trust him that much? Could she confide him her deepest fears? She didn’t even really know him, after all.
“Hello, Earth to Mae. Come on, what is it?”

As she was finally ready to talk she heard Big G’s voice coming closer and closer and she panicked. What could she do not to be seen by those jerks?
Finn was loosing his shit in the meantime, unsure of what to do or say and he got most certainly caught off guard when Rae grabbed hold of him and placed her lips over his. Not that he minded but, still, it was weird. One moment before she had jerked him away and now she was kissing him deliberately? Was she just trying to be in charge of the situation? Was she trying to make him realize that he wasn’t going to be the alpha in their relationship, if he could call it like that?

As she kissed him, Rae made sure he was onto her, able to hide her from sight so that when Big G and the rest of his little gang would pass by they would have just seen Finn Nelson making out with someone without actually recognizing the girl.
Finn, naturally, knew nothing of her plan and he was actually enjoying kissing her. He didn’t know why she was kissing him but he wasn’t going just to let it pass by. He deepened the kiss and now their bodies where so much closer that was humanly possible. Yes, he thought,we are definitely extraordinary together.

As she realized the gang was surely gone, she escaped his hold, the most gently she could, and Finn caught up with his breath.

“Damn girl, I knew you wanted me all to yourself, I just didn’t know how much.” And he went to kiss her again, putting an arm around her waist but before he could place his lips onto hers again, she looked at him confused and got away for the second time.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Now, he was Finn to be confused. It was okay when she decided to kiss him but he couldn’t kiss her back? What kind of relationship was she after? And why was he thinking about a relationship already?

“What do you mean? You just kissed me, I was just returning the favour.” He made that thing with his eyebrows he knew girls were crazy about but it didn’t work on her. Obviously.
“Just to be clear here, Mae, why did you kiss me?”

“I heard them coming and I did the first thing that came up to my mind.”

“You wanted them to see us kissing?” He was out of his damn mind. Not only she hadn’t kissed him because she wanted him but she had done it so that people could see them together. She was just after popularity as everyone else he had ever met. How could he have been so wrong about her? How could she have seemed so different and being so similar to all the other girls?
He was mad, angry, furious. He just wanted to get away from her. He didn’t even wait for her answer and went out of the alley, headed to his place.

Rae tried to catch up with him but once she was outside his place, he slammed the door at his face and disappeared. Of course she didn’t want them to see them kissing. She was just hiding but, she couldn’t tell him that now, could she?
Like she had feared, they were back at square one but this one was all on her.

After spending almost three hours waiting for him to open the door and talk to her, Rae finally decided it was time to go home again and brooding over how much she sucked at relationships. Why did she have to bloody kiss him? Sure, it had been extraordinary, the man really knew what he was doing but still, they had just agreed in being friends, why did she always have to be ‘usual Rae’? Couldn’t she be ‘normal Rae’ or ‘funny Rae’? She always tried to be accepted, to be loved and every time someone showed her a bit of affection she always screwed things up.
All of a sudden, as she walked towards home, something hit her, deeply: she couldn’t believe herself, she couldn’t believe she was actually considering giving up on Finn Nelson. Finn fucking Nelson. She turned and went back to his place. She needed to explain herself to him. After all, she owed him that much and she didn’t want to loose the rest of the gang over something so stupid. She needed to be honest with him.

As she got there, she knocked on the front door and nothing. It seemed like no one was there except she knew he was in. She would have seen him exit his place.
She knocked again, this time harder and she heard something break into the apartment. Something like a glass, or a vase, she wasn’t quite sure.
She waited one minute more and finally Finn opened the door. He seemed confused to see her standing her and, drunk, too.

“Wh-wha-what are you doing he-here, Mae?” He couldn’t even finish a bloody sentence and his breath smelled of vodka and whiskey. What the hell was he doing in there?

“Can I come in?”

“No.” He didn’t want her to see him like that. He didn’t want her to know that side of him existed. Sure, she had seen him drunk before, at the party, but that was different. There was the funny drunk and the angry drunk. Today, it was the second one.

“Come on now, are you gonna keep me here all day long? Cause I ain’t going anywhere until we talk, you know.” Finn hesitated. He didn’t want her to see him like that but he was also happy she was there. As he had come back home he had thought he never would have seen her again and, yet, there she was. She had come back. He had been hopefully waiting, even if he was angry at her, and she had come back. Unexpectedly, sure, but she was there now.
He opened the door just enough to let her in. He wasn’t sure he could stand on his feet so he held onto the door as long as he could and then, once he closed it up, Rae offered him her arm and he gladly took it.
“So, having a party, aren’t you?” She looked around and she was shocked, although she tried not to show it. The place was trashed and there were several bottles of alcohol around the living room.

“An exclusive one so, feel honoured.” He sat onto the couch and he asked her to do the same. She sat but not exactly near him and he got hurt by that. He knew he wasn’t exactly appealing in that state though and so, he understood.

“So, vodka and whiskey, I presume?”

“You presume coooorrect. You want some?” Why did he always had to say things like that? Of course she didn’t want one, she was clearly disgusted by the scene although she didn’t want to admit it.

“No, thanks I’m good. You need a hand to clean this place up?”

“Is this why you came here? To play housewife?” Why was he being mean now?

“I was just asking, Finn. I came here to talk.”

“Bollocks to that. I don’t do talking. I’ve had enough of all this talking and talking. I don’t see my therapist anymore for a reason.” As words came out of his mouth he couldn’t even record what he had just said but Rae had heard all about it. He had a therapist as well. And he wasn’t talking to him.
They had much more in common that she had ever thought was possible. However, he was so drunk he was in no state of sustaining a conversation about his problems and so she tried to put it in another prospective.

“Well, I’m not your therapist, I’m your friend so, you can talk to me. I won’t judge.”

“Oh, of course you will. You all judge. You all know shit about my life and, yet, you feel untitled to judge and say ‘Finn don’t do this’ and ‘Finn don’t do that’. Well, I’ve had enough so, if you want to drink you’re welcome to stay, otherwise you know where the door is.” He couldn’t control himself when alcohol was in is system and he knew that. Sometimes it was just inevitable though. Drinking was the only thing that kept him from thinking but now that she was there and he was realizing by the look on her face that he was being nothing but rude, he wished he wasn’t an addict. He wished he was just Finn. Just a lad. But he wasn’t.
“Sorry, I don’t… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry, Mae.” Was he about to cry? No, of course not, he would never show his tears to her but, still, she caught one and she immediately got up and sat beside him. She didn’t know if she could comfort him but she had to try.
“I’m not… I’m not scaring you off, am I??”

“’Course not, we all have ups and downs. I told you, I am your friend.” He felt good, wrapped in her arms but he knew he would have said something rude and would have driven her away again. It was just the way he was. Alcohol or no alcohol.
“Plus, I didn’t come here to judge, just to solve things out, really. But, we can do that another time.” Right there, in that moment, both their minds took a turn, in the opposite direction. While Finn wished they could be more than friends, Rae realized they couldn’t be nothing but. He had just the same amount, if not bigger, of problems as she did and she couldn’t risk jeopardize her mental state being involved with him. She knew she was just being selfish but, for once, she knew she had to be. She needed to take care of herself, too. She would have been there for him, just as she had promised, but as a friend. Nothing more. She couldn’t give him nothing more and he wanted nothing else and, as they were wrapped in each other arms on that sofa, they didn’t know they were drifting apart.
“So, what can I do for ya?”

“Can we just stay like this for a minute? Just… just one minute?”

“We can stay like this for as long as you want.”

Chapter Text

It had been almost two weeks since their rendez-vous at Finn’s and every time he used to walk home and enter his place, usually empty due to his father’s work travels, he used to feel her absence. Since he had first met her, Finn had been overwhelmed by an insane amount of new feelings he didn’t know how to cope with; missing someone, caring for someone other than himself, feeling the urge to protect someone at all costs.
Although Rae begged to differ, he was used to tell her by now she was his and that he would have been there for her no matter what. He couldn’t imagine going on with his life without her in it. She had yet to figure out a lot of stuff about his past and he about hers but they, were getting there. Since she had decided to forgive all the crap he had told her at his party, they were doing great.
With her help, he had been sober for two weeks now and he intended to keep it that way.
Since she was avoiding her therapist too she couldn’t exactly force him into go and meet with his and so, for now they were being each other’s therapist, friend, confident. Each other’s everything.

While hanging out with the gang though, she used to escape him or his look. He was sure it wasn’t due to the fact that she didn’t want to be seen with him; once he had sobered up they had had a heart to heart conversation and he had finally realized why the kiss and the hiding from Big G’s gang but now, he was completely lost. He just couldn’t understand the avoidance, the small and inconstant smiles. He just couldn’t read her when they were in public. And he hated that; he wanted to know all about her, in every situation and, once she got up and went to order a drink, he followed.

He bumped their bodies together and she turned around to look at him, smiling. God, how he loved when he was the one to make her smile. He wished he could keep that smile to himself every single time. There was something so peaceful and reinvigorating about it. He could have lived off of her smiles if it could have been possible.

“This one’s on me, Mae.”

“No way, you paid yesterday and the day before that. This time, I get to pay.”

“Oh come on, let me play the gentleman here.” She smiled at herself and he got almost hurt that he wasn’t included in that one. He adored everything about her. The way she used to brush her hair off her face when it was windy, the way she used to walk and how her legs used to move in synchrony. The way she used to blush whenever he would tell her something nice. He adored all of it. And he couldn’t believe she didn’t have the slightest clue.
She looked at him again and regained her seriousness.

“You can play gentleman another time. Today, it’s on me.”

“But…” She shushed him almost immediately and, without even noticing it, she pointed her index to his chest, almost touching him but not quite. He felt his body quivering, he wanted so desperately to have her hands on his body, between his hair. He wanted to possess her in every way possible.

“It’s not up for debate, Nelson. Now shut up and go back to your seat.” He smiled and did as he was told. He hadn’t told anyone about his feelings towards her but the rest of the gang was starting to suspect something and Chop, never missed a chance to remind him.
Once they were all back at the table, Finn and Rae clearly sitting next to each other, Chop started off with his usual monologue.

“You know who would make an excellent couple?” Izzy smiled and raised a hand in order to respond but Chop didn’t mind her and followed through, pointing his finger in between Finn and Rae. They inevitably looked at each other and, while Finn wished he could have sustained that look a bit longer, Rae quickly cleared her throat and turned back to face Chop, unsure if she should have sounded amused, flattered or annoyed.
She knew it was a joke and that there was no way Finn was into her like that but, even if it were true, she had made up her mind. The two of them needed to stay just friends. Too much baggage, too many secrets to start a relationship with him.

“Chop, do you really think Finn Nelson here would know what to do with me?” The rest of the gang laughed, they loved the way Rae used to put everyone in their seats and Finn wished he could have laughed along with the rest of his mates but, not this time. He hated they always had to discuss their relationship in front of other people when they weren’t talking about it when they were alone.
He knew he needed to play along and so he put his lady killer mask on, gave her a smirk and started with a simple “I know what I could do with you, believe me.”
Rae looked at him, clearly amused by the situation. She loved that they could flirt like that and still being mates. Although she shouldn’t have liked it, she liked his attentions.
“Oh really? And what would do to me, I wanna hear all about it.” He had to suppress a groan in the back of his throat. Having her beside him talking dirty to him was too much, she was giving him a massive boner without even knowing it. He thought it was a shame.

“I can’t be that specific in front of everyone Mae but I can assure you, you would have the time of your life.” The rest of the gang exploded in a ‘Ooooh’ while she giggled and slapped him right across his chest. That only spurred him further.
“Oh, I see, you like it rough. I can give you that, too.” She laughed along with the rest of her mates and, eventually, Finn did the same. If only she could know he wasn’t kidding at all.

After a while, they decided they were going to the Vaults but Rae wasn’t feeling up for it and so, by consequence, Finn bailed on their friends to walk her home. She didn’t want to say anything about it because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings but she hated the way he acted around the gang. They already believed they were a couple, he didn’t have to encourage them into thinking so.
Finn, as usual, noticed her disagreement in having him there along the way and this time he didn’t keep it quiet. He needed to know why she acted that way around the gang.

“So, Mae, what’s going on?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“You do know. Come on now, spit it out.”

“It’s just…” He was her friend, how could she hurt him like that? He was being nothing but nice and she was about to tell him to quit it and she was frightened by the reaction he could have. What if that drove him back into drinking? Those two weeks had been great, how could she destroy him like that?
Finn stood there waiting for the rest of the sentence to come along but nothing came out of her mouth.

“Just what, Mae? You can tell me, I won’t freak out if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“How do you know?”

“How do I know what? That me freaking out is the reason why you’re being quiet or that I won’t do it?” He was the one to be frightened now. Did he really want to listen to her fears? Did he really want to know if she was scared by his attitude?
As those words left Finn’s lips, Rae knew she had to be honest. She needed to trust he would handle any truth. She needed to give him the benefit of the doubt.
She stopped walking and turned to face him. He stopped, too, unsure about pretty much everything surrounding them.

“It’s just that… the gang thinks we’re an item and I hate that we’re the main topic of every afternoon together.”

“Okay…” He waited, he knew there was something else there she just couldn’t get out.

“And… you buying drinks for me while you’re not even drinking yourself, you walking me home every day, it’s just… well, you’re giving them false hope. Well, not hope… you know what I mean.”

“All right so, you don’t want me to take you home then? I’m just being a friend Mae.” He knew his actions spoke anything but friendship but it was beyond him thinking that she could go home without him. Thinking that she didn’t him after all as much as he needed her.

“I know that, I do but they don’t. They just don’t get it. We don’t have a normal relationship you know? Me and you, I mean.”

“Normal is overestimated if you ask me.”

“It’s just, I don’t want them to see more if there isn’t, you know?” He wanted to tell her that there was more, indeed. Of course there was more, he loved her like he had never loved before. He couldn’t sleep if he didn’t know she was safe at home. He couldn’t eat if he didn’t know she had had a good morning, he couldn’t go on with his life if he didn’t know she was fine. But he kept quiet, gave her a little smile and went on with his script. If friends was all he could get out of her, he would have taken that. He would have taken anything she was willing to give him.

“Okay, I get it. I won’t offer you a drink ever again but then, don’t get all angry at me for not being polite, okay?” She smiled and he was at peace again. For that brief moment, the light had entered and warmed him up.

“I won’t, I promise. Thank you, I knew you’d understand.”

“No, you were scared to death but, I don’t blame you. We all know how I can easily turn from a puppy to a piece of shit in no time.”

“A puppy? When were you ever a puppy, Nelson?”

“Oh please, I am adorable.” She smiled a bit and got back to walk to her place. Now, he would have usually gone with her but did she want him to? Or should he have just gone home by himself? He really didn’t want to leave her but if she didn’t want him around that much he would have done anything she’d ask.

“You can come with me if you want, Nelson. We don’t need to change habits when there’s just the two of us.” He shrugged and agreed, escorting her home. Rae felt like she had her own bodyguard ever since Finn had asked her if he could take her home the first time and she was now used to it. It was pleasant to have him close. He was the best of friends.
Finn was happy they could keep being them and, for a moment, he wished they didn’t have mates so that he could always treat her the same way. If they didn’t have friends maybe she would have agreed on going out with him but then again, how could he know if he hadn’t even asked her in the first place?

After walking for a bit they arrived at her place and he hated that he had to let her go for a few hours. He wished he could keep her with him forever and as Rae asked him if he wanted to come in for a bit, to watch a movie or something, he felt over the moon. He had been at her place before but just for a few minutes, waiting for her to get dressed. He couldn’t believe he would have finally taken a view of her little world.
He nodded trying to seem normal but inside he was going crazy.
As they entered her place through the front door, Finn didn’t have the time to take the living room in that he saw a man with suitcases and Rae’s mum behind him collecting a few things. They seemed in a hurry.
Linda approached them, clearly relieved Rae was home.

“Thank God you’re here. I would have left a note on the kitchen table but it didn’t feel quite right.” She hadn’t noticed Finn presence until she passed Rae and she found herself standing in front of him.
“Oh, hi Finn, didn’t know you were coming along.”
Then she quickly turned around to talk to Rae and quickly told her she and Karim had to go to Tunisia because someone had tipped off immigration and they had to flee the country.
Rae looked shocked and Finn wasn’t sure about what to do. Was she really leaving for Tunisia and not bringing her daughter along? Not that he minded, he would have hated for her to leave for another country but he couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Was she for real?

“How long will you be gone?”
Rae had regained some seriousness and just wanted to know a few practical things. Finn was even more shocked than before.

“Don’t know, probably a week or so but, I don’t want you to be alone in here.”

“This is my home, where should I be going?”

“Well…” She then turned to look at Finn, and Rae immediately got what was about to happen.

“No, mum don’t you dare…”

“Finn would you be so kind to have her at your place for a week?”

“No way, mum. His house is not a hotel. I’m so sorry Finn, she shouldn’t have asked.” Finn had stopped listening after Linda had suggested he could have her, all to himself, for an entire week. He was not going to miss a chance like that. He could have cooked for her, watched the TV with her, had long night conversations and have her at his place for seven full days. Hell yes, he could have her.

“Absolutely, Mrs. Earl, don’t you worry. Rae will be just fine with me.” Rae looked confused and realized there was no escaping from that. She was indeed going to spend an entire week at Finn’s place and she wasn’t quite sure she could handle it. She had been forcing herself into seeing him only has a friend but now? She had to wake up and the first thing she would have witnessed would have been his beautiful and perfect body making breakfast for the both of them. Plus, she was well aware that Gary, Finn’s dad, was going to be away for most of the time and, with that news, she’d got even less escape. Her self control needed to be stronger than that tingling in between her legs every time she spotted him. She needed to behave. They were just friends.

“Seriously Finn, you don’t have to do that.”

“I know, I want to. Come on Mae, it will be fun.” No, he thought, it will be a disaster, seeing you every single day and not being able to touch you will be like hell but, at least, I’ll close my eyes at night and know you’re safe.
Linda clapped her hands and gave a quick kiss onto Rae’s cheek, despite she really didn’t want to and then she stormed off with Karim.
Finn looked at Rae again and she shyly smiled at him.

“I guess you have to pack. Come on, I’ll give you a hand.” Rae nodded at him and they got upstairs. As he entered her room, he weirdly felt like he belonged there. He felt like that was his home. It was probably because it sprayed Rae all over its walls or maybe because they were there together but, as he took a sight of a bunch of photos of her when she was a kid, he knew he wanted one. He just didn’t dare to ask.
She took out from her wardrobe a little suitcase and put inside of it two pair of pants, some T-shirts, socks and, when it came to her underwear she quietly and shyly asked Finn if he could exit the room.
“Why?”

“I need to grab some personal stuff, that’s all.” His thoughts immediately went to her underwear and just as he thought about it, he got a boner. Again. He wished he could have stayed but he politely said yes and asked if he could use her bathroom. As she answered positively, he exited the room and went for the loo. He had to sort it out.
He got in and, as he was about to grab hold of his cock, he saw a little bottle of pills in a semi-open drawer. He didn’t want to stuck his nose in her things but he was too curious. He opened the drawer and took the little bottle in his hands. They were anti depressive, same as his mum used to take back in the days.
“Are you done in there, Nelson?” He put the little bottle back in the drawer and got out as soon as he could. She was standing outside the bathroom door and she looked amazing as always.

“Eager to get to my place, aren’t ya?”

“Yeah, can’t wait. I’ll be living in your lair for an entire week, can you believe that?” No, he thought, but I’ve waited for this since the moment I realized I was in love with you.

“Definitely didn’t see this coming. Come on then. Let’s go.”

Chapter Text

Day one: resisting.

It had been less than 24 hours since Rae had moved into Finn's flat and they were getting along as usual. Finn was extremely exicited to have her at his place and Rae was adjusting just fine to that "new" living. It was like a continue sleepover living with Finn, considered that his dad was never around, if not to get some paper for work, and his mother... well, there was no such thing as a mother for Finn and she didn't know why. She also didn't want to invade his privacy and so, she never asked.
It was just Finn and her and she was fine with it. After their first bickering they had become such good friends and she didn't want to jeopardize anything, although she desperately wanted to talk about that afternoon at his place, when she had found him drunk as fuck in the middle of the day. He had never brought the subject up and she was scared of his reaction, so they were basically avoidin complicating things.
On the other hand, Finn had been pretty much concerned about Rae since he had spotted that bottle back at her place: why was she on anti-depressives? Was she going through some rough time and she didn't want to share it with anyone, not even with him, her so-claimed best friend? Which, he hated, by the way. He was on the very bring of the corner of the friendzone and he didn't know what to do not to cross that bridge. Friends forever with Rachel Earl. He couldn't believe they would have been just that for the rest of their lives. He wanted more, he deserved more. He had never thought life could give him anything good but that had changed since he had met her and he just couldn't let her slip away. He needed to have her, she was his lifevest.

"You should really clean your room, from time to time, you know that? There's this smell... I can't even describe it. What is it?"

"I'm not quite sure actually..." He tried to soffocate a laugh and she caught a glimpse of it and, inevitably, smiled at herself.

"You don't know what stinks so badly in your own room? Don't you live here?"

"I do but I can't take record of every single thing I eat or drink in here, can I?"

Rae didn't want to play his mama but that flat was in a desperate need of a clean up and, since Finn and his dad were being so kind in having her for an entire week she thought she could give them something back by cleaning a bit. Surely his dad wouldn't have minded it. He was never around anyway. She looked around for a plastic bag without luck and Finn wasn't sure about whether he had to stop her or keep on watching her. It was a vision having her around the place like she owned it. Like it was actually their home and she was just doing some laundry and cleaning up a few messes. But no, that was in his head, that was his place and if, some day, they were going to have one of their own, he couldn't let her do all the work.

"What do you think you're doing Mae? You don't have to clean up."

"Well, I feel like I have to do something so, tell me, what can I do?" He softly smiled at her, and looked around his room. It was so different since she had been around, even if it had been only for a few hours. Then he thought about an old rocking chair stored somewhere in the attic and he told her to stand still for a minute or two as he went searching for something. She heard him swearing a few times and then she spotted him bringing something that looked like a chair but was covered in so much more dust that she had ever seen.
"What's that?" - she said pointing her finger to the chair with a disgusted smirk on her face - . He was about to sneeze after all that dust surrounding him had probably set a nest into his lungs, but he held it together. It was a romantic gesture, he couldn't sneeze in front of her.

"This, Mae, is my nan's rocking chair. Now, it's a bit rusty but I think you'll like it. You can clean it up and then you can sit on it while you take a good look at me cleaning the rest of the house." He was being a gentleman and Rae couldn't hep but feeling flattered. She had never had that kind of relationship with a male friend. With anyone, really but, with Finn, everything had been diffferent from the start. She had been a bit cold at first, she didn't know she could trust him: after all, he was the eternal stud, why would he ever like her in the first place?
But Finn was much more than that. He was a true, real, honest person. He was real with her.

"An old chair compared to the rest of the flat? Doesn't seem fair, Finn... but, if you insist." She wanted to help but she also knew he wouldn't have let her do anything so, why bickering again? He chuckled a bit and headed over to the kitchen to find something to start cleaning up.
As he came back, she laughed, hard.

"What's there to laugh about, now?"

"That's for dishes Finn, not for furniture of floors, for that matter." He looked down to the bottle with the green liquid he was holding and it escaped a single "oh" from his lips. They laughed for about ten minutes and Finn thought that if his life was going to look alike that afternoon, forever, he would have gladly settled for it.

Day two: realization.

Finn didn't like much sharing his Mae with the rest of the gang but he knew he couldn't exactly have her to himself every single day. She was staying at his place for another five days, he had time. Time to tell her how he felt about her, time to tell her that he hated when Chop made allusions about her going out with someone, time to tell her that he had never been so in love with someone like with her.
Nevertheless, any opportunity didn't seem quite right to him: they had had their first night, their first breakfast together, the walk from his place to the pub; his couldn't say it. Not because he didn't feel it but because, well, he didn't know why. He just couldn't bring himself to say "I love you" to her. It was so definite, so important. Telling her was going to make it real and he kept wondering if he was ready for that. He loved her, yes, but was he ready to give up life as he had always known it? Late nights with friends, random girls picked up in some pub, being free of saying and doing whatever he wanted and whenever he wanted. He had to change radically for her and more than wanting it, he wasn't sure he was ready for it. For her.
She was so pure, delicate, perfect for him while he was a mess. Every day without drinking was a conquer but what if they would get together and, at the first trouble, he would go out and drink again? Drink again and maybe, possibly, cheat on her? How could he ever live with himself if he had ruined the one good thing he had ever had in his life? Was he ready to take that risk just to say "I won the girl?"

"What's troubling you, man? You know you can talk to uncle Arch."

"It's fine, honest. I'm just... coming to a conclusion."

"Which is?"

"That I thought I could be the right person for someone but apparently, I'm not..." He took a sip of his soda and kept on looking at Rae, trying not to be seen by anyone but failing miserably. Everyone in the gang knew he was lost in Rae besides her and they wanted to do something to end his being miserable but they also knew Finn would have had their heads.

"Look, if I know who you're talking about, and we both know I do, why do you think that? I'm sure you would be fine together." He looked back at Archie, not sure if laughing or giving him a punch on his nose.

"We would be fine together? What..." He realized his voice tone had gone severely up and, not wanting Rae to hear him talking about her, he got closer to Archie, trying to elope.
"I don't want fine, Arch. I want extraordinary but, mostly, I want extraordinary for her. She deserves it, she was there for me when I didn't want her to see me like that but she stayed because she's a good friend. I want her, I do but I don't think she wants me, at least not that me she has already seen and, I can't change, not yet."
Arche wanted to help him, he could see the pain his best friend was facing in those days but he had never opened up, except maybe with Rae and he wasn't sure he could have said or done something to help hm through that moment.
He had always known Finn was better than what he thought he was but, until he would have realized by himself, there was nothing he could have done for him but staying at his side. Like always.
Rae, sitting in front of Finn, knew something was off: he knew him better that anyone at that table but what to say? How to talk to him when he was clearly avoiding her?
Maybe, once they had gone to his place, alone in his room, maybe he would have opened up and they would have finally talked about that afternoon which was still messing up with her mind.
Seeing him in that state had touched her in a way nothing ever had; it was like seeing herself in the mirror, only that time there was alcohol involved and not razors.

As they walked home, he didn't say a word which was insanely weird for Finn to do. He had millions of thing in his head but nothing got out. He hated making feel Rae like she was being left out but he didn't know what to say either.
Could he keep on being around her when he wasn't enough for her and the only thing he wanted to do was actually be with her for the rest of his life? Could he still be her friend, having her at her place for five more days, looking at her getting ready, going to sleep, having breakfast at his table, knowing they would have never worked out as a couple? Could he live with knowing that Rachel Earl was only going to be his best friend and that would have been the end of it?
While he fumbled with his keys trying to open his front door that evening, it felt almost like their minds connected. Rae couldn't possibily know what was going on in that mind of his but still, she naturally put her hand on his right shoulder and he instantly blocked. He turned his head to look at her and he was so close to lock lips with her, so close to showing her how much he loved her, how much he was trying his best to be good for her, but his problems, his doubts were still there, more than ever and he gave her a simple smile, just one, before returning to open the door, successfully, this time. He wanted to escape her, he had to, otherwise something would have happened and he didn't want it to happen like that. She was as right for him as he was wrong for her. An impossible equation to solve.

"Finn, you know you can talk to me right?" She didn't know how or why she had found the courage to talk and, at the same time, he wished she hadn't. What was he going to tell her now? He couldn't stay quiet now, could he?
He turned around to look at her as she was now standing in his living room, right in the middle of it, while he had already moved onto the stairways. As he looked at her, alone in that room, surrounded by the furniture which had caracterized his childhood and entire life, he got it all clear: she was home. He had never thought he could have found someone like her, someone to call home, at least not since her mum before, and his nan after, had left him but now, he had another shot at this: Rae was his home. He closed his eyes for a second or two, before smiling to himself and then to her. She shyly smiled back, not sure what that smile even meant, and he came down those few steps, he took her face into his hands and placed his lips onto hers for a brief moment. Probably unsure if she wanted the same thing, unsure if it was the right time for that, unsure if they were ready to admit what was really going on between them.
Rae returned his kiss but only for a second, then, after loosing her mind for a bit, she had to push him away. She didn't know if it was the right thing to do but, she didn't want it to happen like that, not with Finn. They weren't random strangers, they were them, she had to be careful with him.
He looked at her, trying to kiss her again but she pushed him away even harder than before and he got angry. He didn't know why but he did.
He knew this could have been one of the possible outcomes but still, he couldn't believe she had actually pushed him away. She didn't want him after all. She didn't love him like he did. She probably didn't even like him.
His face assumed a look she had never seen on his face and she felt like shit for being the one who had caused it. She didn't want to hurt him but she couldn't be what he needed everytime he needed it.
"Finn... I"

"It's fine, don't you worry, I thought... wrong. My bad. I'm going to bed." She wanted to talk, he wanted to scream but none of them said a word. They both went up to Finn's room and got some sleep. Less than they needed to anyway.

Day three: ripercussion.

He couldn't leave things like they were. Rae was still asleep upstairs and he had been awake since probably 4AM. Now, he was staring at his bowl of cereals, unsure of what to do next. He had kissed her, he had actually did it. After all that thinking at the pub, all that talking with Archie, he had actually kissed her and he was feeling worst than before. Not about the kiss, despite it wasn't the first time for them, it had felt lke it and that had been amazing even if it had lasted for two seconds or so but, her reaction, almost as she was hurt he could have imagined she wanted to be with him. What was he thinking anyway? Why would someone as perfect as her, wanting to be with him? He was good for all those girls he had found at the pub down the street but Rae? She was an all new level, he was no good for her.
Her friendship had to be more than enough because that was all he was going to have from her.

He wrote a note and left it on the table while he went out with his bike for a run.
She woke up almost immediately as she heard the noise coming from downstairs and got up. She was glad Finn wasn't in the house, at least for now. She didn't know what to say, how to face him after the night before and having a bit of time to herself to think was great. She thought about calling Chloe or Izzy, which she was fond of now, but she didn't want to involve the gang. They had been his friends first and with Chloe she didn't feel exactly comfortable talking about this stuff. She would have probably just said "go for him, what are you waiting for?"
Why wasn't she going for him, though? Was she really that afraid of him? Of his derailed life, of him dragging her down with him? He needed a friend, someone to be there for him and what had she done? Jerked him away like he was some kind of monster when all he had done had been being nice to her. Damn it, he had even given her his goddamn place for a week.
She didn't have much time to herself to think, though. As she got downstairs, she almost immediately saw the note on the table and the front door opening, which rushed her into taking the note, seen as standing right there, was Finn's father.

"Rachel, how nice to see a familiar face. Is Finn treating you well?"

"Hello Mr. Nelson, yes absolutely. Thanks again for letting me stay."

"Oh no worries, Finn adores you and you have such a good influence on him. Frankly I wish you'd stay here forever." She faked a smile and let him through as he went to search something in the kitchen's fridge. She turned around to read the little note Finn had left her, unsure of what she was going to read.
Then again, it was Finn. She knew what he was going to say.

Got out for a ride, Mae.
There's some bread and a bit of jam in the fridge if you want.
Sorry about last night, shouldn't have done what I did.
Hope you can forgive me and be the amazing friend you always have been to me.
See ya later.
Finn

The amazing friend she had always been to him?

"You okay Rachel? Where is Finn?"

"Oh, I'm fine, yeah... Finn has gone out. With the bike." The apple he was biting fell onto the floor and his mouth opened in disbelief.
"Is everything okay, Mr. Nelson?"

"He has gone out, on his own? With the bike?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Nothing, it's just that... can you give me a moment, I need to call him." Rae didn't know why he was so upset about Finn being out on his bike but he didn't have the time to call him seen as Finn was now opening the front door, to find them both in the living room. As he saw his father he recognized his expression and, apparently, the only one left out of that silent but vibrant speech, was Rae.

"I didn't know you'd be home, dad. Sorry."

"It's... well, it's fine. Are you okay?"

"I am, don't you worry. It's not like last time." Mr. Nelson nodded and gave him a soft smile which Finn gladly returned. "It's not like last time?" what was that supposed to mean? Why was Mr. Nelson that worried about his son?
Rae needed answers and, seen as Finn wasn't going to give any to her, she had to ask.
She waited for him to get out of the shower and, once his father had gone out for work, she stopped him in the hallway on his way to his bedroom. He was half naked with a towel around his waist, his hair still wet and Rae thought about the first time she had spotted him at the football field. It was really like looking at God but now that she had known him she knew he wasn't a jerk; why was she waiting then?
He would have never made her feel uncomfortable, he would have never hurt her, at least not on purpose and, what if he had? Was she really going to deny herself some happiness over a doubt?

"What?" He looked at her and, despite the fact that she was fully clothed, he thought she was a goddess. Why couldn't he have her, love her, make her happy? And why was he being a jerk now? He cared about her and he was treating her like garbage.

"I want to talk, I think we must. And I'm not letting you go get dressed until we do."

"The old me would have laughed at this but now you're just getting on my nerves."

"The old you? What, there's a new version? Or is this drunk Finn?" He thought about denying it but, what was the point? He went for a second shower that morning because he could smell the booze on his skin, on his tongue and he had hoped she hadn't realized it but, he had been wrong.

"Right, so you wanna talk about alcohol? Housewife Rae is back, isn't she?"

"Look, I don't know what's happening here but I don't like it. You can't go out there drinking in plain morning just because, what? I didn't kiss you back? So what? You can have tons of girls out there, why me? And with your dad this morning? It's not like last time? What's that supposed to mean? We're friends Finn, damn we even live together, you have to talk to me!" It had all come out in a heartbeat, almost like she couldn't keep it in her anymore. Finn was still processing but the booze had striked in and he was about to give her a piece of his mind as usual.

"First of, we don't live together, in five days you'll be out but, if you wish, you can leave now, you know? Second of, I can do whatever I want, it's not like I have someone at home, waiting for me, have I? And third, you're right I can have all the girls I want and I will have them, don't you worry. I'm not gonna sit and cry over someone who doesn't even loose a second of her life over me!"

"I am here talking, you dickhead, I'm trying to understand what's really going on. I care about you, you know that. We are friends, why won't you let me in?"

"Because I can't!" They were yelling at top volume now, their faces turning redder and redder, unable to stop screaming at each other. They deeply cared about each other and yet, they kept standing there, one in front of the other, Finn trying to say something to repair their relationship, Rae waiting for something from Finn, anything.
He had to act fast, he knew he was loosing her every second they spent together without talking and it hit him again; Rae was his home.
Less calm than the night before, he went for her lips, pushing her to the closest wall he could find and this time, the kiss lasted longer. She wanted to push him away again but, after all, it was Finn and she was enjoying sharing that moment with him. Her senses weren't responding to her brain anymore but to her heart and it spoke pretty loud and clear. She cared about him, she couldn't deny it any longer but, was he right for her? The doubt was there, present as ever.
She pushed him away gently, and he rested his forehead on hers.
"I know I'm not the right person for you, I don't know if I'll ever be but I'll try, I swear. If you give me a chance, I'll try. For you." It was flattering, she couldn't deny it but she didn't want to be his lifevest. She couldn't be.

"I can't give you anything Finn and it's not that you're not right for me, which could also probably true but, the fact is that I have to take care of myself before I can take care of you."

"You don't have to take care of me, I should be taking care of you. And I want to do that, so badly. You just have to stay here for a minute, if you stay, everything will be easier." She stood there, in his arms for a few seconds, thinking deeply about his words but she coudn't do it and she moved, just a bit.
He heard her, how couldn't he? He was waiting for her to make a move, he knew she was going to make it but he was desperately hoping she would stay still for another 40 seconds. She released herself from his embrace and looked at him, firmly.

"I care about you but not like this. I just can't, I'm sorry."

Day four: retaliation.

00.45 AM

Another sleepless night, Finn thought. She had turned him down once again and this time, it seemed quite definite. She didn't want him, not everyone could want him, anyway. But, just when he found the right girl she wasn't into him.
What could he do to move on? Because he had to. If there's was one thing he was sure of it was that he had to forget all about her. Her raven hair, her sparkly eyes, her scent, her body moving at the rythm of the right music, the one no one had ever liked besides them. She was perfect for him but she didn't want him.
Big deal, he had move on.

02.35 AM

She had turned him down once again. Why was she being so reluctant at the idea of being with him? He was being honest with her, she could see he was really interested, it wasn't a joke, not like with every other girl he had dated. If date was the right word to use anyway. He cared about her, she cared about him, why couldn't she just be herself with him?

Rae hadn't seen much of Finn all day long and now they were sitting at opposite sides of their usual table down at the pub. The all gang could feel the tension but no one wanted or dared to say something about it. It was between Rae and Finn and they knew they had to stay out of it.
On their hand, Finn was missing Rae like crazy and Rae was trying to find a way to make it up to Finn. She thought about different scenarios but she just couldn't decide what to do. Pretending to have a boyfriend? Telling the truth? Hiding away for the rest of her life?
The last seemed unlikey, in two months college would have started and she would have seen him every single day, so the truth?
She couldn't imagine herself telling Finn she had been admitted into a mental hospital because she had tried to kill herself. Sure, it would have turned him off but she wanted him in her life as a friend, she didn't want to be alone again. So, it remained the boyfriend situation. But who?
There was plenty of guys in the pub but no one would have pretended being her boyfriend. Maybe just showing a bit of interest in someone who have made him realize he had to move on from her. Or she would have pissed him off even more.
She didn't know but she had to try.

"Chop, do you know that guy over there?" Chop knew everyone but she was sure she had seen the two of them talking a few times. He wasn't Finn but he could do.
Finn raised instantly his eyes from his soda to follow Rae's finger which was now pointing at the mysterious lad.
Why was she acting like that? Todd had been in the pub every night, why now? Was she trying to punishing him for hitting on her? With Todd, of all people? He was so, well he wasn't exactly smart, or good looking, or whatever it is that girls like into a boy. Why Todd?
He pretended not to listen and went back to his soda but Archie had seen the all scene.

"Aye, my dear, that's Todd. He's a good friend of mine. Why, you interested?" Chop smirked at her and she giggled a bit. She hated hurting Finn and other people, including this Todd guy but, she was out of options and, if this Todd would have done the trick, why not try?

"Well, he seems nice and all. Why don't you invite him over?"

"Why don't you, Rae?" Everyone was looking at Finn, now. He has tried to keep himself together but he couldn't stand what was about to happen. It was one thing to be rejected but being treated like garbage in front of his dearest friends, was too much. Sure, none of them new what had happened between them but they all knew it was a matter of time.
"It's clear you want to know the guy, so why wait? Why don't you get up and ask him out, uh?"

"Mate, I think you should go now..."

"Shut up Arch, this is between me and her." Rae didn't know what to say. The entire pub was looking at them and she was about to cry, she knew she was.
He hadn't been drinking so she couldn't blame the alcohol, not this time. And Finn was glad about it. This time she had to deal with sober Finn, with real and truthful Finn Nelson. And he was no better than drunk Finn.
"Come on, Rae. He is waiting for you. You like keep people waiting for you, don't you? You probably wake up in the morning and think about who you can seduce, don't you? Uh, don't you?"

"Mate, you really have to go now before they kick you out."

"Why are you sitting there in silent, uh? Why don't you say something? What do you have to hide, uh? Miss perfect Rae Earl, is not going to waste time on someone like me, isn't she?" He kept on yelling at her with everything he had inside him while Archie made his best effort in taking him out of the pub. Everyone was staring at Rae now and she started to panic. What to do now? Where to go? She couldn't stay at Finn she knew that but she also knew all of her stuff was there and they had to meet at some point. She tried not to cry but it was terribly hard: he loved her, it was so clear to her now. She had made a terrible mistake. Maybe, by being with him, they could have helped each other, it wasn't like he was depressed or had tried to commit suicide. He was just a bit out of his mind like everyone else, probably. And she had treated him like shit. She had to clear things out even if it meant getting slapped by his best friend. She had to tell him how she really felt about him, she had to tell him everything.

"I have to go guys, I'm so sorry."

"Rae, you can't go to his place, not now. Let Archie handle it, trust me."

"Thank you Chlo but, I have to. I have to clean up the mess I created. I know how to handle him, trust me." It wasn't true but she had to go. It was Finn after all.

As she exited the pub she saw Archie coming back. There was no way he had left him alone in that state; something had happened and she could clearly see it by the look on Archie's face.

"What's happened?"

"He's home now, he's quiet, I think."

"You left him there? Alone? Why would you do such a thing?"

"Yo, slow down; his dad was home." Mr. Nelson was home? There was no way he was home at that time of the night. He had a big project up in Edimburgh and he was going to stay out for two days. Finn had told him a freaking lie to stay alone. To drink, probably. She tried to stay calm and told Archie it was fine and that she was going home to see if Mr. Nelson needed help.

As she walked to Finn's place, she spotted the parking lot empty. Why didn't Archie noticed it? Was he really that blind? She ran to the front door to find it unbelievably opened. He was waiting for her. She knew he was waiting for her.
She entered quietly the dark living room and closed the front door behind her. She was afraid like she had never been. It was like entering a crime scene; there was his shirt on the floor, three bottles of vodka empty on the kitchen floor and drops of something she was sure was tequila leading the way upstairs til his bedroom.
She followed them to find Finn half naked with a bottle in his hand out his window, sitting on the roof. Her heart stopped. She knew what was happening; what she always feared but never admitted. He was like her; Finn was a asurvivor and was about to make the biggest mistake of his life for what was probably the second time.
She walked towards him real slow, trying not to scare him off.

"Finn, what are you doing out there?" He turned around to take a good look at her. She was visibly scared off by him, which was exactly what he had never wanted. Now, it was about him, though. She could go to hell for all he'd care. A human body is made of water for an high percentage but, in that moment, that percentage was occupied by alcohol in Finn's body. He wasn't responding to his brain, the alcohol was talking for him.

"Look who showed up? Where did you leave Todd? Not cool to say you care about someone and then showing that you really don't. AT ALL."

"I didn't say I cared about Todd..."

"But you said it about me. And we both know it's not true."

"You know it is, Finn. Why would I be here unless I didn't care about you? Unless I didn't love you?"

"Don't you dare! You don't know the first thing about loving."

"Oh but you do, don't you? The second a girl says no to you you go jumping from a rooof?"

"Not a girl, YOU. You said no to me, Mae. You, of all people. Why couldn't you say yes? Why couldn't you be what I needed? Why couldn't I be what you needed?"

"You are, it's just... complicated. You don't know the real me."

"I do, and I'm not afraid of complications, of hurting, of anything, when I'm with you. But you clearly are." He turned back looking at the sky and took another sip from the bottle. What could she say to him that would make him believe she really loved and deeply cared about him? Was he ever going to believe her again?
Sure, he had said he wasn't scared but what if, knowing all the facts he would have had the same doubts she had had in the days before? What if they couldn't be in each other lives for good?

"Why don't you get down and we can talk properly about this, uh?"

"I'm done talking, Rae. It's all gone to shit anyway."

"Look, if you won't come down here, I'll come up there." He laughed, probably not believing her words but as he heard her climbing up the roof he turned back and stopped her instanstly. She was going to hurt herself and he couldn't let it happen. She was home after all.
With her help, he climbed down and after a while they were finally resting on his bed, exausted as they had ran a marathon.

"You scared the hell out of me before. Don't do that ever again."

"Then it's a good thing you weren't around one year ago." She looked back at him and he started opening up to her, just like you do with family.
"I tried to end things, you know, last year. My dad got here just in time." She couldn't believe popular, fit, loved by everyone, Finn Nelson, had been in the same place she had been.
"If you want to know why, I don't have an aswer for you. I guess, it started with the alcohol. It's a serious desease for me. I started drinking when I was, I don't know, probably, eleven. And I haven't stopped since. I went to rehab last year but it didn't help much. I tell my dad I'm still going but I'm not. It doesn't help me anyway."

"How can you say that if you don't try it?"

"In these last six years I have had only one day without drinking. The day you moved in here. I don't know why but I didn't feel the need to drink because everything was in the right place, you know? You are... well, let's just say, you helped me a lot."

"But I didn't do anything, I didn't know... how could I have helped you? And, how do you do it? You seem sober all the time... even now."

"I'm so used to drink, it doesn't do much of a difference for me. "
Rae wanted to say something meaningful but, in some way, she knew he was happy with just having her there. It was the most honest conversation they had ever had since they had met.
Finn felt a bit of relief talking to Rae like that; now she really knew what had happened in his life and she was still there. She wasn't going anywhere, she was just laying there with him, on his bed, at his place. She was still there and, apparently, she wasn't going anywhere.

"Can I ask you something, Finn?"

"Sure, spit it out."

"That time, when I came by your house and you were drunk... what had happened?"

"Well... I think I was upset with you. You and I had kissed, remember?" She nodded almost imperceptibly and he went on.
"I thought you did it because you liked me but then I knew you only wanted to be seen with me, and..."

"Wait, that's not what happened."

"It's okay, I know things have changed now but..."

"No, I mean, yes, things have changed but I didn't kiss you because I wanted them to see us together. Quite the opposite actually. I thought since you're always kissing somebody they wouldn't have stopped looking and moved on with their walk. I was trying to hide from them." Finn was a bit shocked. Why would she want to hide from Big G and those other idiots? Sure, they weren't exactly nice people but they had never said a word to him, why bothering about them? He layed there in complete silence, waiting to hear the rest.
"Those guys, they say things about me and seen as you and I were friends I didn't want you to hear them taking the piss out of me. I didn't want you to feel like you had become friends with someone like me."

"Taking the piss out of you? I would have killed them, you know? You don't have to hide from me Mae, you didn't have to hide before and you sure as hell don't have to hide now. You know I love you." She took a deep breath as those words left his mouth. She didn't know if she had to say it back, even though she felt those words growing harder by the minute.
"Sorry, I know I shouldn't have said it. Least of all times, now, but, I had to. I love you, Mae."

"It's not about that, Finn. I love that you said it, especially if it's true."

"It is."

"I know, the thing is, I can't say it back and it's not because I don't feel it it's just that, it's not right for me. And neither is for you."

"Why don't you let me decide what's right for me, instead of making decisions yourself for the both of us?" He moved a bit closer and with his left hand cupped her cheek in the most delicate way he could have done it. She smiled at his touch unable to move, unable to say no. Because she didn't want to say it after all.
And so, she let him kiss her. Once, twice. There was no going back from that point. Now that he was slowly laying on top of her, he was finally at peace with himself, with the world, and Rae was happy for the first time in a very long time.
He didn't ask if it was okay and Rae was happy he didn't: they both wanted to live the moment, being together, finally, after all that time longing for the other.
Despite his being fully drunk he was being extremely patient and caring with Rae and she was melting under him.
He was extremely good and she didn't know if it was because it was her and Finn but she felt at home. Finn was home.
In a short time they were both naked, their bodies united as one. She opened her legs for him to get more access and they never stopped kissing, not once.As he thrusted in her for the first time, he found out she had to be a virgin, she was so damn tight but she was already adjusting to his presence and that made him feel more confident than he had ever been with a girl.
Not knowing if he was hurting her, he came out a little but she almost begged him to stay deep, she wanted him as much as he wanted her and he deepened his thrusts into her.
He was basically one with her now and despite the hurt she had felt, she wanted him there for as long as he could have, she didn't want to leave that place, ever. She was home and, as he thrusted deeper and deeper, she knew she was closed. She kept on kissing him on his neck, on his lips, on his cheeks, as her groan grew by the minute.
He knew she was close and he thrusted a bit more, harder, faster and she came undone, as he came undone with her. They were finally home.

Day five: release.

As Finn was deeply sleeping like a baby, with a huge grin con his lips, Rae couldn't close her eyes. Her heart had been racing from the moment he had layed on top of her until now; she should have been happy, thrilled that it had happened for the first time with Finn, her Finn, but the doubt she had had all those days before, was now stronger than ever and it was screaming inside her head. How could she be with him now, now that she knew everything?
She didn't want to leave his side but being with him, being his girl? Helping him through all that shit like a good girlfriend would do?
She wasn't sure she could do that. She didn't know if she was ready for that.
Finn had been nothing but extraordinary to her but she couldn't get herself to be extraordinary for him.
Suddenly, avoiding him forever seemed like a real possibility. She knew that, by leaving him once more, especially after the night they had, she could have brought him to the edge of a cliff but what if she would have jumped with him? She couldn't risk herself once more, not even for him.
She was extremely confused about what to do. Being a good friend, trying to endure and being his girlfriend, making him happy and giving him what he wanted but loosing herself in the meantime? What did she want though? Was she ready to put herself and her mum through that shit, all over again, for Finn?
Would he do it if the scenario was reversed?
Probably, but she wasn't Finn, was she?

She got up, wrapped up in a blanket and went to sleep in her own bed. In the morning they would have talked and she would have left. He wouldn't have stopped her, he would have understood and everything would have gone back to the way things were.
She woke up. It was just a dream, a perfect one, but a dream. Finn was still asleep, snoring at his usual and she was a mess. As usual.

Chapter Text

The morning after ( Finn )

As the sun cut its way through the window, Finn woke up from the most amazing dream. Except it wasn't a dream: it had really fucking happened. The first good night after a very long time, the huge grin on his face, as a witness.
He covered his eyes with his right arm, trying to cover them from the sunlight and, as he stood sitting at the center of his bed, he knew something was off. Something was missing. Someone. Rae. He got up in a split second and got down the stairs to search for her. She was surely making breakfast for the both of them just like he was used to do every morning since she had been around. Kitchen was empty, though.
Don't need to worry about it: she was probably just taking the trash out. Backyard was empty, too. His heart started racing as usual as the booze of the night before kicked finally in and the worry for Rae grew deeper by the minute. Where could she be? What could have possibly happened after the previous night, to make her run away like away?
Surely, she couldn't be uncertain of the two of them; after that night Finn had no more doubts, they were extraordinary together. He had felt home after forever. Having her in his arms for the night, kissing and touching her for as long as he wanted and she, doing the same. She was there with him, she wanted the same, he knew it, he had felt it, so why leave now?
He went back upstairs looking for his shirt, he had to go out, at her place, at the pub, somewhere, but, as he got back into his room, his eyes flashed to the corner of the bedroom. She was there, on the floor, but there. Why hadn't he seen her before? He really needed to stop drinking.
He wasn't sure about waking her up or not, she was such a vision. In the end, he decided to lay down next to her on the floor, waiting for her, watching her for the entire time, he just couldn't bring himself to close his eyes.

The morning after ( Rae )

As she opened her eyes after getting a bit of much needed sleep, Rae knew instantly something was different. As she finally woke up, she instantly saw Finn laying right there next to her, on the floor. He had probably woken up before her and saw her laying there all alone. He had probably thought about 50 different scenarios about why she was there and not sharing his bed as they had fell asleep the previous night but Rae was sure he hadn't figure out the real reason.
And yet, as she was laying there with him once more, she couldn't help but thinking about how lucky she was to have him by her side. He had many problems to face, just like she had, but damn, he truly, deeply, madly loved her. All his thinking and wondering were about her, who could have said the same thing about someone else?
She was lucky, indeed. More than that, she was fucking blessed with having Finn Nelson.
And yet, she was about to screw it all up.
She managed to wake up without making a single noise, grabbed her belongings and went downstairs, waiting for him to wake up. She couldn't leave him like a thief in the night. He deserved to know the truth, or, at least, the truth she was ready for him to hear. She hoped he would have understood, she was tired of being afraid of his reactions, tired of not being able to trust him when, a big part of her, was already truly, madly, deeply in love with him. It was like living with two people in one, and Rae hated feeling like that. It was like being depressed all over again and she couldn't relive that, not even for Finn.

***

That morning felt quite particular for the both of them. Rae was torn apart between feeling happy and the duty to herself and Finn was just glad he had finally found the love of his life.
While waiting for him to wake up, Rae went to the kitchen and prepared some breakfast for the both of them just as Finn had previously thought she would have done. She repeated herself the speech she was going to give him several times but each one of them seemed more and more desperate. She absolutely didn't want to hurt him but, deep down, she knew that was impossible to accomplish.
She prepared everything that came up to her mind and the kitchen table suddenly turned into a banquet for her majesty the Queen; ther were eggs, bacon, toasted bread and strawberry jam, orange juice and milk and yet, she kept thinking something was missing.

"Damn girl, did you buy an entire store?" Finn was standing right behind there, his naked torso hanging on the wall, one foot behind the other and one hand in his hair. It was definitely like looking at God. She gave him a soft smile and he approached her, giving her a soft peck on her lips. They felt, once again, home.

"Well, Nelson, I thought you needed to eat up after all that alcohol..."

"And?"

"And what?"

"You just left that sentence in the air. You can't do that. Go on... what were you going to say, love?" There it was again; she could clearly see the love in his eyes, in his words and it felt like a knife in her stomach. Maybe she could have endured, for him, maybe she could have.

"I didn't leave anything anywhere, everything is good."

"Just good?" He got close to her to kiss her deeper than before. In a moment, he was sitting on the nearest chair and she was on top of him, their tongues entwined in the most beautiful dance, his hands in her hair, hers on his waist and they just wouldn't stop kissing, not even for air. They were finally in a good place, all their problems buried in the past and there were just them now, them and their true, real, abiding love.
"I believe I deserve something better than good."

"Fine, everything is marvelous, just like you are. Now eat up!" He laughed at her words and took a slice of bread with a bit of jam upon it.
"Hey, that is mine, get your own slice!" She quickly stole his breakfast from his hand and took a bit out of it, suffocating a laugh, which he easily followed. It felt good to have a morning like that with Rae, to share those little ordinary moments with the one person who truly meant something to him. Everything was finally in the right place, except him and his drinking problem. He had to find a way to stop doing that, for him but, mostly, for Rae. Drinking had caused him so many troubles and he couldn't imagine dragging Rae into that mess, she deserved better. They both did.
Alhtough they weren't talking, they were on the same page; as she looked at him getting up to have a shower, Rae kept on wondering if there was something she coud do to help him, something to drag him out of his misery and it instantly hit her: there was, she had to stuck with him, she had to be his anchor, at least for now.
She knew her mother would have disagreed on that topic but she couldn't leave him in distress, she wouldn't have wanted that for herself, if the situation had been reversed. Plus, she was certain he would have found a way to save himself, for his own good.

Later that night...

"I still don't get it why you went back home, we still have two all days before your mum comes back." After that endless shower Rae had talked to Finn and explained that, now that they were an actual couple, they couldn't live together, and that she would have preferred going back to her place. He hadn't sound exactly happy about it but he had tried to understand her point of view and, in the end, he had agreed it was best to take things slow. They were still very vulnerable and he didn't want to rush anything.

"It's not that I don't want to spend time with you but, living together after these days we just had... it doesn't seem quite right. I just need to clear my head for a bit, that's all." With that, she got up and went to sit next to Chloe and Izzy, which she was desperate to talk to.
On his hand, he tried not to read too much into that last sentence but, apparently, his brain couldn't help it. She needed to clear her head for a bit, on her own, basically without him around. She was clearly having doubts, once more, even with everything they had shared back at his place. She still wasn't sure he deserved her and she couldn't exactly say that, out loud.
He wanted to stay positive but how could he, really, when his own girlfriend had just got up to sit next someone that wasn't him? He was definitely loosing his mind over nothing but he couldn't help it. He needed to stay calm, to keep his bad behaviour in check and he instantly took a sip out of Chop's beer.
He wasn't trying to piss her off, he did it just as an habit, which it actually was. Rae though, didn't see it like that. She gave him a hard look, shook her head to herself and excused herself with the girls.
What a giant mistake she had done. To think that she could just, what? Save him from himself with a bit of kissing and a breakfast together? Release him from whatever had been haunting him all those past years just because, what? He loved her? Nobody loves someone that much to give up their old habits and, certainly that one, wouldn't have been Rae.
She got up from her chair and went for the exit, without looking at Finn once. He instantly got up and stopped her; they were now standing facing each other in the middle of the pub. It was going to be one hell of a ride.

"Where are you going Rae?"

"I'm going home so if you don't mind leaving my arm..."

"I do mind. Are you sick or something?"

"I am actually. Sick of being such an idiot."

"Hey, don't talk about my girlfriend like that. She's everything but idiot." He was hoping to see her smiling, even just a little bit. He was freaking out even though he was trying to keep it inside. He didn't know what had happened but, somehow, he knew it was his own damn fault. It always was anyway.
"Girl, you can talk to me. What have I done?"

"The fact that you don't even know makes me want to punch you so hard right now."

"You can punch me if you want. You can do that if it means you'll stay."

"I don't want to punch you, Finn I just wanna go home, please." Unable to move at the sound of those words, he let her go. A tear escaped her right eye and with one single movement she turned back and walked out of the pub. He stood there for a few seconds until Archie had him back on his chair, trying to calm him down. He knew something was off, although they didn't know the entire story. Nobody understood what had came onto Rae, until Finn saw the half-empty glass of Chop. He closed his eyes, mad at himself for being such an idiot, he got back up and went after Rae.

How could he have been so blind, so fool? Drinking that beer after what had just happened in front of Rae? Was drinking such an habit that he couldn't even remember taking a sip after a few seconds? Was it like breathing or sleeping for him, now?
Thankfully Rae hadn't got that far before he could wrap his mind about what he had just done. He grabbed her by the arm as soon as she spotted her to find her eyes full of tears.

"Girl, I am such an idiot, you have to forgive me. I'm so blind sometimes I don't even know what I do can hurt you this much."

"You don't know? I literally just found you on that roof with a bottle of tequila in your hand and you have the audacity of telling me, you don't fucking know?"

"I know you're pissed at me right now..."

"Oh, you think? I am pissed, but not at you. I am pissed at myself for letting me care for you, for letting me thinking I could, I don't know, save you?"

"Woah woah, save me? Why would you save me? I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much."

"Oh really? Is that what you were doing in your bedroom last night, before I came along? Taking care of yourself? You have a weird way of doing that."

"Look, I scared you, I get it but, honestly, it's fine. It was just a sip, it wasn't like last night. You won't be seeing me drinking like that. Ever."

"Oh you can bet I won't. You can't even see that you're destroying yourself. But, you know what? You don't want help, fine, but you won't drag me down with you. I won't let you."

"I would never hurt you Rae. You know that."

"I thought I did. Damn I repeated that to myself everyday since I met you. Even this morning. I guess I was wrong." She got rid of his hold and kept on going to her place. That conversation was far from over, they both knew that but keeping on going would have meant for them to say things they were both going to regret and neither of them wanted the other to suffer.

Two days later.

While the rest of the gang didn't know what to do to help their friends, Rae and Finn were trying to find a way out of that mess.
Rae didn't want their friends to choose between them and, to be honest, if that would have been the case, she would have told them to choose Finn. He needed them more that she did and, after leaving him, she didn't want to take anything else from him more than she had already done.
On the other hand, Finn wasn't even thinking about the rest of the gang. All his thoughts were for Rae how she was feeling, how could he fix things between them and, in all that time, he had had two entire days without a single drop of alcohol, and he wasn't even craving for it. Sure, his mind was elsewhere and he couldn't exactly say he was finally clean but he could also see he could do it. He could look for help, he could have healed. With her by his side.

Unsure about where he had found the courage, Finn was now standing in front of Rae's place. He wanted to knock, he had to; he was there, it was worth the shot.
Truth was, he was a bit scared of her mother, too. She was surely at home and she could have been pissed at him for not taking proper care of her daughter as he had promised her.
Still, he had to knock. Rae was just a few inches away from him and he couldn't leave things like they were.
He took a deep breath and knocked once. She already knew it was him behind the door.
She had been up for two all days waiting for him to show up. She knew he would have come to clear things and, although she wasn't ready to get back to him she was missing him already. It was like a disease, she just couldn't live knowing Finn was out there and she wasn't with him.
She instantly opened the door and they looked at each other for what felt like forever, both of them wanting to say something, both of them completely silent.

"Do you wanna come in, Finn?"

"Yeah, I'd like that, Mae."

It was like they were back at that night when he had went to her place to take her to the party he was having at his house. He was trying to be bold and she was being shy, just like last time. Although this time, they weren't strangers at all. They knew solving things would have inevitably changed something between them but they were willing to take the risk.

"So, can I get you something? A cup of tea, maybe?"

"Nah, I'm good thanks." She quietly nodded and sat on the couch, asking him to sit wherever he liked. He sat right next to her.
"I think, I should be saying something, if you don't mind." She shook her head 'no' and he kept on going, giving her a small, soft smile.
"These couple of days have been rough on me as I imagine they have been on you. You are a certainty in my present Mae and I just can't let you walk out of my life just because I've been a complete and total asshole." She wanted to stop him, to say something but she also knew he had to get it all out.
"Since we've met something has changed inside of me, I can't think clearly unless I know you're safe and well and, believe me, it's something I've never felt before. It's killing me to think that I've hurt you this bad." Rae thought he was about to go on with his speech but instead he simply pressed his lips onto hers for a brief moment and waited for her to talk.

"I am pleased that you're here Finn, I won't deny that. I care about you, a lot and I can't imagine my life without you, honest." She took a deep breath and kept on going; it was her turn to talk this time.
"The thing with us Finn is that I don't believe we are any good for each other. I mean, you make me feel so good and it's something I just can't shake off my head but, going deeper, we are each other's kryptonite. If I'm hurt you suffer and viceversa and, yet, we can't help being the reason the other suffers. Feels like a loop, doesn't it?"

"All I know Rae is that I love you and that I would never, intentionally hurt you. You have to know that."

"I do know that, Finn, and I wouldn't either. But I must. I know that leaving you is going to hurt you because I believe you when you say to me that you love me but I can't do it any different. I must step aside and let you heal on your own."

"I don't think I can heal without you, Rae."

"That's absurd, you're stronger than you think you are. Trust me, I know you."

"So, that's it? You're leaving me? Again?" At that question, Rae felt like something was going to hunt her down for the rest of her life. Leaving him, she was actually leaving Finn Nelson. She was about to give up to the only man she had ever loved and cared about, she was about to destroy another person who only had eyes for her.
If someone would have told her this story and few months back she would have laughed at their words but now, it was actually happening. She was ready to live her life on her own, she was actually ready to take the first step all by herself. She was her own person now. She was free.

"I think I am, Finn. I must do it."

"But, what if I can't do it without you? Let's say you are wrong and that I fall into this deep hole from which I will never recover..."

"You don't want me to stay with you out of pity, Finn." Finn nodded, he knew she was right. He just had to endure; once she would have seen him sober and finally clean, only then they could finally have a shot at their life together. They were only 16 after all, they had all the time in the world. He would have waited all the necessary time, he knew she would have come back to him. She was the love of his life, after all.
"I would like for us to stay friends though, you know? If that's not too much for me to ask out of you."

"Wow, friends. You know these past few days I've thought about all kinds of outcomes between us but friends, I had never really considered it. I thought, well, I'll just tell her I haven't drank a single drop of alcohol since she has left me, and she'll come back to me but, you know, I see your prospective now. I'm fine with being friends for now."

"Finn..."

"You won't actually believe I'll let you walk out of my life for good, won't you? You are the love of my life, Rachel Earl. Someday, we will be back at this point and, you'll come back to me. Until then... friends sounds good." He got up from her couch and went straight for the door, until he realized she was blocking him.

"God, I am such an idiot, sometimes, you know? I mean, I have thought about what to say to you, once you'd knocked on my door, and yes, I knew you would have but, now it's actually happening and I'm officially kicking you out of my life and you're just standing there, telling me that I am the love of your life and that you'll wait for me forever and so I keep on telling myself 'what the hell are you doing Rachel Earl'? You know? And..."

"Rae slow down please, you make me worry when you talk like this."

"Worry? No, I must say everything because, I can't just let you go now, you know? Damn you, Finn Nelson, you came into myself on the wrongest timing of all times. And, I know this isn't some kind of fairytale and you aren't definitely a prince charming but damn it, I love you and you came right on time, right when I needed you the most and when you needed me. We can't loose another minute on these stupid things, we have to live every single second of our lives, and we have to do it together, because I won't let you run Finn Nelson. I will never do that." She was totally out of air and he was absolutely thuderstrucked by her words. She went for his lips like that was the only place she could have found the air she needed and he welcomed her in his arms like it was the most natural thing to do.
They had evolved: they were no longer those kids who had met just a month before and, although they were both so young, life had already showed them the worst and now they were just happy to live the good stuff together.