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When Changkyun leaves, it feels like an evacuation of the soul.
It starts as a towering tsunami, swelling and threatening complete obliteration. Eventually the tsunami fades, leaving the soul departed and everything else destroyed. All that's left is the crash of waves upon the shore, murmuring:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
But it doesn't matter how hard Kihyun tries to rebuild everything, the tsunami will return with a vengeance. The moment everything seems okay, a tsunami of Changkyun's memory sweeps in.
-
When Changkyun leaves, Kihyun loses the function of his limbs.
Lead fills his bloodstream and holds him in place. Everything's too heavy to lift, even opening his eyes takes tremendous effort. Kihyun's not sure he can do this much longer.
Sometimes, Kihyun wants to surrender and seal his eyelids shut, let himself slip into a slumber deeper than the depths of Changkyun's eyes and forget the emptiness. But there are ghosts lurking in the dark recesses of his mind, and he cannot allow himself to sleep, not when he knows that all that awaits in his dreams is Changkyun's face slowly fading into oblivion. It's an image he can no longer clutch onto, but only bitterly plead at to:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
-
When Changkyun leaves, the oxygen in Kihyun's lungs undergoes deposition.
Rather than air, Kihyun's lungs are coated with frost. Between the frozen breaths and spreading frigidity, everything becomes cold to the touch.
There's no comfort in a fireplace when it can't possibly begin to melt through the subzero temperatures Kihyun's subject to.
-
When Changkyun leaves, Kihyun commits the curves of his face to memory.
Every angle, every slope is committed to memory in crisp quality, transformed and preserved in a portrait of impressionistic reverie.
Kihyun puts it on display as the centerpiece of his mind's museum, his defining masterpiece painted with tears and what little is left of his humanity. He decorates it with the debris from his mind's tsunami and inscribes the words:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
-
When Changkyun leaves, everything suddenly seems hollow and flimsy, like paper cut outs.
Kihyun's life has the capacity to fall apart with a single gust of wind, and he's not sure how much longer he can hold his breath.
When he's nearly out of air, Kihyun uses the last of his breath to beg of Changkyun:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
-
When Changkyun leaves, he takes everything of value with him.
Kihyun realizes this when his senses are distorted and mangled beyond repair. Everything he encounters is tinged with memories of Changkyun. Everything he encounters threatens to set the tsunami into effect.
Kihyun realizes this when he can no longer find his heart and that what's beating in his chest is more alien than extraterrestrial life. Rather than the familiar sound of muscle pumping blood, all Kihyun hears is the rhythm of:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
-
When Changkyun leaves, Kihyun no longer recognizes his own reflection.
Surely, the pathetic excuse of a man staring back can't be himself. Kihyun doesn't remember the scruff on his chin or the chasms replacing his eyes. He doesn't remember the eye bags from sleep deprivation or the unruly hair atop his head.
Surely, there's been a mistake.
-
When Changkyun leaves, chaos unleashes itself in Kihyun's mind.
He tries hard to reel it all in, keep it contained, but he's powerless. The chaos consumes his thoughts until all that remains is:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
-
When Changkyun leaves, Kihyun finds himself more often stained with red.
He's searching, digging into his body for answers. With each stroke carved into his skin, he pleads that debris framed masterpiece:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
-
When Changkyun leaves, Kihyun's mind begins to fill with his own departure.
Every moment's clear as day; Kihyun can see his descent before his bones jut out of his skin and his organs compress before bursting into macabre fireworks of red, he can see the way the bathwater stains red as his life drains out of his forearms and he watches his veins empty, he can feel the bullet lodge itself in his brain, killing his consciousness as the disfigured world around him fades.
-
When Changkyun leaves, it takes everything Kihyun has to hold himself together.
Kihyun's once iron will is forced under insurmountable pressure. Kihyun is filled with cracks and feebly held together by the memory of Changkyun's smile.
-
When Changkyun leaves, Kihyun has no choice but to let him go.
It doesn't matter that Kihyun clutches onto Changkyun until his knuckles whiten or that he washes Changkyun's shirt in tears. It doesn't matter how much Kihyun wills Changkyun to stay.
Changkyun's gone, and there's no way to bring him back. Even if Kihyun refuses to believe this and repeatedly sobs:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.
What's done is done, and the damage is irreversible.
-
When Changkyun leaves, what he leaves behind for Kihyun is a gravestone and shaky hands clutching wilting flowers.
As the years pass, Changkyun's portrait in Kihyun's mind never fades, and Kihyun still kneels before it to continue his chant of:
Don't go.
Don't go.
Don't go.