Chapter Text
Sam wanted to die, but Dean wanted him to live. But Sam couldn’t live, not without Dean.
So he focused on the only thing he could; revenge.
Months alone, with nothing but the merciless game of hunting. Kill or be killed, no one to watch your back. He became cold, calculated. A small part of Sam hated the hunter he was becoming, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. There was an even smaller voice, far back in the depth of his mind, that knew Dean would hate who he was becoming. But that thought was quickly shut down.
Dean was gone. Because of Sam.
He could still hear Dean screaming every night. Watching his brother get torn to ribbons, flesh spewed across the wall, blood washing the floor in red. Sam stood by, helpless, as his brother was taken by a force he couldn’t see. He was helpless. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t st-
Sam punched the wall. He was going to make Lilith pay. And after that? Sam had no intention of making it out of that fight.
Dean wanted Sam to live, but how could he when his only reason was buried six feet under?
He became reckless. Stupid. Sam went on hunts with a one track mind that rivalled his father’s. Once upon a time he would have cared about that, too.
Then Sam was bitten.
It was a simple werewolf hunt, should have been a milk run. But in his numbness, Sam became reckless. Made stupid mistakes. And this mistake cost him his humanity.
Sam’s first thought of action was to finally put a bullet in his mouth. Then he heard a scream, came across a desperate vampire trying to munch on a child. He took the monstee out by breaking his neck with his jaws.
Sam didn’t know how long he stood there, staring at the body (the civilian had long since fled). It could have been minutes, maybe hours. Head still in the clouds, Sam looked up at the sky. It was a new moon. Sam had consciously transformed without the aid of a full moon.
Which meant this was a full transformation, not a partial. He had full control over himself. Sam nearly collapsed of relief right then and there. He wouldn’t lose himself every time the full moon rose, wouldn’t tear people to shreds in a bought of blind starvation (the way Dean was torn to shreds).
But full control or not, he was now a werewolf. Supernatural. Sam was something to be hunted. Not that it mattered. Sam was already a monster before all this, anyway.
Besides, He was going to burn alongside Lilith, so what did it matter?
As it turned out, being a werewolf had many advantages. His heightened senses allowed for better tracking, and nothing could sneak up on him. His strength came him the upper hand in fights, and the claws and teeth made for great weapons. Granted, this meant silver now had an effect on him, but Sam simply wore gloves and long sleeves to prevent contact.
And, as time passed, Sam found he actually enjoyed being a werewolf. Running faster than cars on the motorway, dashing through the trees with a supernatural agility, it was incredible. He actually started spending a lot of time in his wolf form, even sleeping in it in some cases.
Then Dean came back.
Nothing could describe the pure joy of having his brother back. That fermenting and infectious wound in his heart, was slowly being patched up, bit by bit. But as the days passed, that joy slowly turned to anxiety.
Sam became plagued by Nightmares of a silver blade in deans hand. Or his big brother, staring at him with disgust in his eyes. Or of Sam, fully transformed, devouring Dean with no remorse. Those were the worst. He’d wake up, a scream on his lips and breath caught in his lungs. Running to the bathroom just in time so that his vomit made it into the toilet and not onto the floor, and Dean would often by right behind him. Rubbing his back, holding Sam’s hair back. Guess not even hell could get rid of those big brother instincts. But Sam could never look him in the eye, especially with The lingering images of Dans death by his hand. Or mouth.
So be brushed Dean off, told him he didn’t need his help, and Dean huffed with anger on his face and rejection in his eyes as he walked away.
“Guess you don’t need me after all” he’d say. And it hurt. Oh, how Sam needed his big brother, selfishly, even if he didn’t deserve it. But he couldn’t bring himself to accept it after watching his teeth on his brothers throat.
Dean never understood the rejection. He hated the secrets, the lies. Sam didn’t blame him. Sometimes, in the dead of night, Sam thought about telling him. Wondering if maybe Dean would accept him for the monster he is, thoughts conjuring images of Dean in the impala and Sam running alongside the car on all fours. Then he scoffed, ignoring the hot tightness in his chest. The Moment Dean found out, Sam would be met with a silver bullet to the heart. There was no doubt.
The logical thing would be to leave. After all, who would stay where death was practically guaranteed? But Sam could never do it. He wouldn’t lose Dean again, he was his brother, a part of his pack. A wolf could never be without his pack.
So he stayed.
Tensions rose, Sam with more secrets and Dean with more anger. They would argue, then pretend it didn’t happen. Ignoring everything the classic Winchester way. Until everything fell apart.
It was one in the morning, Sam was walking back to the motel after a late night run. He would regret the lack of sleep in the morning, but night was the only time he could transform. When he could run, run, run with no pain in his thoughts. Sam loved it, and hated himself for it.
So he walked to the motel room and opened the door, expecting to flop onto his bed. Only to find Dean wide awake and sitting on the bed, arms folded, and looking at him with a pointed expression. Crap.
“Going out to get a coke again?” He asked, raising a single eyebrow. His face was calm, but his eyes were the opposite. Sam’s shoulders stiffened, mentally preparing himself for the worst, then he closed the door, purposely avoiding Dean’s eyes.
“Uh, yeah. Couldn’t sleep, so I went out for a walk.” Dean scoffed, shaking his head.
“Uh huh, sure. You know, if you’re going to keep on lying to me, at least have the decency to make it believable”
Sam held back a groan. He really didn’t want to Do this now. It was late, and he was tired.
“Look Dean, i -“
“You what, Sam? What excuse are you going to come up with this time? Can’t sleep? Getting so,etching to eat? You went out to investigate a case on your own? Actually, on second thought, that last one is actually believable because you’re always insisting on doing everything yourself these days!”. Dean made it sound like he had committed a great crime. Sam had spent months on his own, and it was taking him a while to readjust, that was all. Never mind that Sam feared seeing the hatred in Deans eyes every time he looked at him, yet craved his love like a child to his father. It was a vicious cycle of pushing away and pulling back. They couldn’t last long like this, but Sam didn’t know how to stop.
So he did what he always did Ben he was scared. He pushed back
“Well maybe I’m tired of being treated like a child, did you ever think of that?” Sam growled. Literally. His heart pounded against his chest, his late night snack threatening to make an appearance. Miraculously, Dean didn’t seem to notice.
“Are you kidding me!?” Dean bolted up off the bed, arms waving about in anger. Sam stepped back, but once again, Dean didn’t notice “well maybe if you don’t want to treat you like a child, you should stop acting like a child! Now, for crying out loud, just tell me why’s going on with you!”
“Nowhere. I had a nightmare, and went on a walk to clear my head”
“Dammit Sam, enough with the bullshit! You sneak out at night, you never tell me where you’re going, and I know you’re not just going for a walk, I can never find you nearby! . You leave as soon a you think I’m asleep and don’t come back until stupid hours in the morning. You can’t even look me on the eye when you talk to me. Just tell me the truth!” Dean yelled, eyes desperate and pleading.
Sam wanted to. For all his fear, he wanted to the young hunter wanted to spill out everything right there and there. But thoughts of deans rejection choked at his throat, and all that came out was a few half assed mutterings.
“I .. well, um … I … “. Deans shoulders sagged. His expression hardened, closed of. Sam’s face broke, pleading with Dean to understand. But Dean showed no such remorse.
“I’m going for a walk” he grumbled, pushing past Sam and heading out the door. Sam didn’t follow him.
Brewing with guilt fear and anger, Sam left the motel. Without his phone, and no destination in mind. He Didn’t bother taking his clothes off, just shifted. Then he ran, and ran, and ran. Thoughts screaming past him to fast to gather anything coherent.
He ran until the trees blurred into unrecognisable shapes, twisting and phasing. Time became an abstract construct while he was out there, it could have been hours, minutes. His thoughts were to tangled to notice, filled with moments with Dean, analysing every interaction, going over every facial expression in his head. Where did hit all go so wrong?
Oh, that’s right, when Am became a monster. Maybe it was the demon blood, maybe it was when the wolf bite him. Who knows? One things for sure, it started with Sam. It always did.
The wolf looked up at the sky. It was beautiful. He remembered watching the night sky with Dean on the back of the impala, and suddenly the magic was gone. He turned around, intending to go back to the motel. A twig snapped. He stopped, ears up as he listened. A gun shot, them a sharp pain in his side.
Sam fell to the floor, squirming in pain. The bushes rustled, and out came Dean, gun loaded and pointed at him. His eyes were cold and calculating. No mercy, no hate, just a simple mission.
It was happening. Every nightmare he’d had, every morbid thought was finally coming true.
This couldn’t be happening. This was a dream, this was all a bad dream, and Sam was going to wake up any moment now, Dean would make fun of him for drooling in his sleep and it was all going to be fine.
Sam didn’t wake up. This was real. Dean aimed the fun, finger on the trigger.
In a last, desperate attempt to save himself, Sam shifted back into him human form, hoping, praying it’s enough to stop Dean.
His brother stopped, blank faced as he stared. Sam felt vulnerable, naked and at his brothers complete mercy.
“Dean” he whispered, then everything went black