Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Prologue

“Boys aren’t supposed to be beauty gurus. The simple thought of a male applying Maybelline mascara to their eyelashes or displaying his spring lookbook physically pains me. Bottom line is boys can’t wear makeup. According to the dictionary, masculinity is the possession of qualities traditionally associated with men. Makeup and beauty products and clothing hauls and flowery clothing… It’s all for girls.”

My head shook and it fell towards the ground. I couldn’t do it with a straight face. Every word that escaped my mouth sounded too forced, too scripted. But that’s because they were. It disgusted me.

“If you had asked me years ago if boys could wear makeup, that is the response that I would have given you. But these days, it’s different. These days, I am different, and that’s okay-”

I was interrupted by the sound of a creaking door. My brown eyes looked in the direction of the loud noise and met blue. The distractor was none other than Phil Lester. Typical. He made his way towards me, his jet black hair flopped around under the basic video lighting.

“How are you feeling about everything?” He asked me. His voice sounded so hesitant, as though he was trying to find the right words to use. “Are you nervous about telling them?” I ignored every syllable that fell from his lips.

“You interrupted me, Phil. Be quiet.” I mumbled and turned to face the wall in front of me. He grimaced and put a thumb up, but I did not return the gesture. “These days, I am different, and that’s okay because being different is good. In the past, I was afraid of what people would have to say about me. I was so insecure about the way I wanted to look and feel. I mean, people judged others who acted the way I aspired to. Self expression just wasn’t considered or allowed.”

This struck a nerve deep within me. I stood up from the stool I was sitting on and began to pace the room. Phil’s eyes followed my every move.

“And that,” I paused. “Is not okay.”

My heartbeat immediately picked up and my breathing became uneven. This meant so much to me.

“People should not have to be judged for the things that they like or for the way that they present themselves. Someone else’s appearance should not have to affect you in any way. Why can’t we all just be accepting and happy with each others choices?”

I made my way towards the corner of the room where a sink and mirror stood and chuckled to myself. The answer was obvious. I knew it as if it was written in the palm of my hand. I knew it, because I’d lived it.

“Probably because we’re too busy making fun of others for embracing the same insecurities that we hide ourselves. Let’s be honest here, no one is truly happy in their skin, but that shouldn’t stop anyone from living the way they want to. As younger Dan said, you are a human with one life and it's up to you to make it the best life you can.”

I stared at my reflection in the glass and took everything in. Phil appeared behind me and my hand made its way to touch my face.

“That being said, today I am going to talk about something I’ve never publicly announced before.” My long fingers clawed at the black substance dripping down the side of my cheek. “I, Daniel James Howell, enjoy wearing makeup. I love wearing traditionally feminine clothing. I love doing hauls, testing makeup products, painting my nails...” My voice cracked and black continued to flow, so much as to block my vision. A smile erupted onto my face. “And I accept myself wholeheartedly for it.”

The presence behind stepped closer. “It makes me so happy.” Hot tears fell. “Makeup makes me feel so incredibly comfortable in my skin. Dressing the way I like makes me feel so empowered.” Arms wrapped around my torso. “And because of that, I’m not going to let anything interfere with it. I’m going to share my journey with all of you.” I turned around and buried my face into Phil’s plaid shirt. “I’m still Dan guys. I’ll always be Dan.” His head rested on mine. “But, now I’m just Dan 2.0. The happier, more self confident Dan.”

We stood in each other's embrace for what felt like hours after my last word. Tears continued to trail down my face. I could feel Phil play with my hair.

“Daniel, why are you crying?” He whispered to me. I didn’t respond, but gripped him harder.

“Are they sad tears?” He asked a bit louder. I shook my head.

“Are they happy tears?” He moved back to look into my eyes. The mix of blue and green that starred at me felt calming. My breathing began to steady.

“Phil, I am so content.” I smiled so wide and nodded. “I can’t wait for them all to find out. I can’t wait to tell them.” My body turned away from the man in front of me and skipped towards the other side of the room. I wiped away the stray tears from beneath my eyes.

He sighed a breath of relief. “You don’t know how great it is to hear you say that. I was getting a bit worried.” Phil followed me slowly.

I grinned. “Hopefully they’ll still love me the same.”

“I’m sure they will, silly. I mean the beauty guru and pastel Dan edits are very popular on tumblr. I can’t wait for their reactions when they see it irl.”

“Yeah, yeah, Phil. Hopefully we won’t kill any punk edit fans in the process.” I laughed while picking up a container of makeup remover. Black stained my face, but this is what I deserved for wearing eyeliner when I knew I was going to end up crying.

“Ah, I see you’re finally cleaning yourself up.” Phil joked with a smug expression. However, he immediately stumbled and pulled an offended face once I threw a shade of lipstick at his chest. “Hey, that’s not funny, Dan! That pastel lipstick could have - it could have killed me!” He flung his body at the ground and acted as though he was dying.

“Phil, this is why the fans used to kill you off in fanfictions. How are you supposed to survive existence when you can’t even handle a tube of lipstick!” Dan threw another shade at the man lying in the middle of the room pretending to die. “Also, don’t judge me. I get emotional easily.” I stuck my tongue out and picked up my makeup case.

“It hurts, Dan! The glossy pink substance - it’s seeping into my bloodstream! What do I do?” Phil shrieked in fake pain.

“Your mum.” I mumbled.

“Hey. Not funny.” He pouted as he picked himself up off of the floor.

“Okay, whatever. Just come over here and help me with my eyeliner, it always looks better when you do it.” I said pulling two stools beside each other.

I closed my eyes and felt pressure on my eyelids. He silently drew lines across my eyes. The room grew quiet, but it was peaceful.

“Are you sure you’re ready to tell the fans, Dan?”

My eyes fluttered open.

“What do you mean?”

“Just, are you sure you’re ready? I want to make sure that you’re completely comfortable with this. I don’t want you to regret anything tomorrow.” Phil closed my eyes again with his thumb and continued his work.

“I am, Phil. I’m ready.”

“You’ve really grown as person, Dan. I’m proud of you.”

Chapter Text

I should have known that after closing that tab, closing my laptop, and staring at the ceiling nothing would ever be the same. A concept started to grow within me. The seed was planted as soon as that simple video began, and every waking moment of my existence has helped it grow and blossom since then.

Phil had just posted a new type of video he called, "Why I Was A Weird Kid." I remember helping him come up with the segment after he told me a rather alarming story from when he was 6. The poor man had said that he tried to control birds with his mind.

Why do I live with him again?

Anyways, the idea seemed harmless, so like a good flatmate, I watched his fully thought out and edited video as soon as it was posted.

It was cute. Phil had always created smart video ideas and this was a clear example of one.

However, about half way through, the soft smile on my face that always lingered when I watched an Amazingphil video slowly turned to a frown.

"Okay guys, so this next one is pretty embarrassing," Phil said while wiggling his fingers at the camera, "When I was 11... I liked to steal my mom’s makeup and give myself makeovers!"

Phil took a moment to laugh at the obviously absurd idea while a dramatic sound effect went off.

"Me! Phil! I would go through her bags and steal eyeliner, blusher, shadows, all of that stuff and I would try to recreate makeup from my favorite female tv characters!"

"However, I'm not exactly the best beauty guru, so as you can imagine, I looked less like Buffy and a bit more like a possessed clown," Phil joked.

He covered his eyes and laughed, "WHYYY PHILLIP. Why would a young boy even HAVE interest in all that girly stuff?"

At this moment something felt wrong. I had never, ever thought about makeup before. I had never even thought about beauty gurus or anything of the like. Yes, I had seen a few beauty videos appear on my YouTube home screen, but I had never seen any of those be made by men. Society taught boys and girls what they must enjoy from a young age, and as far as young Daniel had known, makeup was not for boys.

I scoffed remembering my younger self. My parents gave me “boy toys” like cars and video games. My grandma occasionally liked to dress me up and make me sing spice girls, but that was not something I would have selected under normal circumstances. I liked the color blue not pink, I liked Power Rangers not Barbie. All of this had been hammered into my brain since birth.

But that made me wonder… Did I like blue? Did I like Power Rangers? Did I like my current scene boy clothing style and branding? I chuckled and imagined myself wearing a skirt and full glamour makeup while presenting my summer favorites to a camera.

Like Phil had said, how embarrassing. No boy should find enjoyment through a makeup pallet sampling or skirt shopping or recording soothing clothing hauls where you get to try it on for the viewers and let them see how nice it looks on you-

I stopped myself there. I was thinking way too much about this. At this point, Phil’s video was over with and had been for a while. I had spaced out sometime around the two minute mark and while I knew that I should have started it over and finished it, I just couldn't bring myself to. So I closed the tab, my laptop, and looked up towards the ceiling.

I tried thinking of other topics to calm me down, like what type of dog I would adopt once I turned thirty and what I would eat for breakfast in the morning but my mind couldn’t stop thinking about makeup. Something deep within me continued to brew hatred for this concept. The thoughts just wouldn't go away and it angered me. The what ifs and self doubt I was having sparked so many questions that I knew I didn’t want the answers to. So instead of listening, I decided that I would try to shut them down.

"Is your personality based only on what society has taught you that you should be like?"

I didn’t know.

"Do you actually enjoy your life to the fullest?"

I didn’t know.

"Is it really wrong for men to want to wear girl clothes and do girl things?"

I didn’t know.

"Why do we even put genders on certain likes and dislikes?"

I really didn’t know.

And at this point, I was in full on angry existential crisis mode. Great. I hadn’t even realised that I was pacing the room and audibly asking myself all of these questions until I looked up and noticed Phil standing in the doorway watching me. He had a worried look on his face.

"Um, Dan are you having conversations with yourself again?", he questioned.

I was quick to answer, "I'm sorry Phil. I- um, I don't actually know what's going on to be honest. Reasons why Dan's a fail I guess." I laughed off the subject and thankfully, Phil seemed to buy it as he came in the room, plopped on the bed, and asked me what I thought about his video.

I was begging to ask him if it was really that embarrassing that he had liked makeup. If it was really so strange that a male could enjoy something remotely feminine, so much to where he had to put it in a video as a joke. Was it really something to laugh at? But I knew that if I were to ask him such a thing, he would question me as to why I wanted to know. And - well, I didn't have an answer to that myself.

"It was great," I smiley widely, "I can't believe you used to run into your parents room so that you could stare at them, and I can't believe you never told me any of this before."

"Hey!" He pouted, "I didn't tell you because I knew you would probably make me see a psychiatrist."

"You got that right, you spork."

Phil scrunched his eyebrows together. “If anyone here is a spork, it’s you.” He stood up from his position on the bed and began to wander around my room. He did this often. Said it was something about never wanting to forget any of it. What an absolute sappy nerd.

“Oh!” Phil turned from where he was standing beside my dresser and faced me.

“What did you think about the last one? It reminded me of something you would do.” He snickered.

“The last…?” My voice trailed off. Oh shoot.

Phil’s bright smile fell into a grimace. “What? Did you not watch the last part of my video?”

Panic filled my eyes. Oh shoot. Oh shoot. Oh shoot.

“No! I mean - yes! I did. I must have just forgotten what exactly you said.” I stammered, a bit too loudly.

Phil started laughing again. “Oh, I know you did. I was just messing with you.” He smiled and walked towards the door. “Alright, well I’m going to go finish making dinner. Have a nice time with your thoughts and remember - like, comment, and subscribe.” He winked and exited the room.

“Don’t burn the house down!”

I sighed. This video had taken too much of a toll on me. I must have been thinking too hard about this. Makeup and nail polish and skirts, those were all for girls. Louise wore makeup in her videos, and so did Zoe. See, it’s a girl thing!

Plus, Phil thought it was wrong for a male to actually invest their time in all of this stuff, didn’t he? He said so in his video… And he’s right. It is wrong.

“Dan, get yourself together.” I whispered to myself and exited my room to go set the table for dinner.

Chapter Text

Phanrific48: IMAGINE DAN WEARING A EYESHADOW I’M CRYING

Lionphil: I can’t believe phil used to wear makeup?? i’m not surprised but ew

Dandilionlolz: but wait can someone edit makeup onto phil’s face now

AveryLester: yeah i mean phil wearing makeup is okay but guys what if dan does

Phil’s video got immediate attention on social media. Every dm, ask, and tweet I received for days only involved requests or questions about me dressing girly or doing something feminine. Apparently, if your flatmate brings up an experience from their past it automatically affects you too. Fans began begging me to wear nail polish and to upload makeup tutorials. There were even several drawings of me wearing a skirt surfacing the internet! It seemed as if everywhere I turned someone was pressuring me to become a woman.

I shook my head and exited out of Twitter. Everyone was going insane about the idea of “Dan and Phil being beauty gurus.” It was ridiculous, and quite frankly, disgusting. Just because Phil had said that he had taken makeup from his mother when he was younger didn’t mean that we were going to wake up and instantly start dressing in drag. I would never do that! What were they even thinking?

I rolled my eyes, yawned, and looked at the clock beside my bed. 12:36 PM. Had I really slept in that long?... It made sense actually. I had stayed up into the long hours of the morning reading tweets and posts on tumblr from those intense fans.

Quickly, I removed the blue-green comforter that covered my body and walked towards the bathroom. I made it halfway down the hallway before Phil’s voice startled me.

“Daniel!” He yelled from where he was standing outside the kitchen door. “We’re going out to lunch with Louise in about thirty minutes.” He looked me up and down wearing his usual lopsided smile. “I suggest that you start getting ready.”

I sighed. This was not what I needed. Yes, Louise was a lovely girl - in fact, she was one of my closest friends - but I could not bare social interaction today. A groan escaped my mouth and Phil walked towards me.

“Is everything alright?” He asked standing on his tiptoes to match my height. “You seemed a bit off last night, and well… You aren’t looking the best this, uh, afternoon.”

No, I wasn’t alright. I was fed up with our pushy fans and wanted to sit alone in my room whilst blasting Muse. I knew it wasn’t all of our fans, but it still bothered me. In all honesty, I wanted to forget about the rest of society and my confused thoughts.

But of course, I couldn’t exactly tell him that.

“I’m okay, Phil. Don’t worry.” I faked a smile and he returned it with an even brighter one. This is why everyone called him sunshine, isn’t it?

“You better not be lying to me, Dan Howell.” His eyes narrowed and I laughed. He always knew how to cheer me up, even if he didn’t try to. “Go get ready.”

Phil stepped out of the way and I finished my journey to the bathroom.

Upon walking into the room, I turned on the sink and washed my face. After I dried up, I grabbed my toothbrush and applied the toothpaste. Thirty minutes wasn’t really enough time for me to take a shower, so that and dry shampoo had to do for the time being.

I glanced at myself in the mirror and took in my image while brushing my teeth. I was pale. Really really pale. Dark bags laid beneath my eyes and my freckles were beginning to appear. I was always slightly insecure about my soft features. My face was quite round and the ghostly complexion didn’t help when I was feeling particularly egg-ish.

To make matters worse my hair was extra curly. Gross. I hated my natural hair. I went to grab the straightener in hopes of saving the last shred of body positivity I had left, but stopped mid way there.

It was pink. It was a pink straightener.

Tweets flashed through my mind. I paused and stepped back. Pink isn’t for boys. Why did we buy a pink straightener?

My thoughts snapped to Phil… I couldn’t use this!

I quickly grabbed the straightener and sprinted to the spare room. Quickly, I threw it beneath the dusty, black bed. There was no way I was going to use the girly hair styling tool. Yes, that sounded pathetic, but I meant it. If people knew that I was using a pink straightener, they would - well, they would tell me that I was feminine.

Sighing, I walked to the closet and began looking through my clothes. I chuckled when looking through my dark attire, as it was a complete contrast to Phil’s wardrobe and aesthetic.

Subconsciously, I was trying to form the most masculine outfit possible. I selected worn jeans, black boots, a black skull t-shirt, and my stupid useless belt. I would rather look like a Fall Out Boy fan from 2006 than Bethany Mota.

Though while trying to clean up the mess, I discovered a piece of clothing I had long forgotten about. It was a soft grey cardigan my mum had bought me when I left for University. Worst of all, It was a women's cardigan. The only problem was that I adored the article of clothing greatly. I wore it all the time, because It felt comfy and warm and it reminded me of home. I had even worn it in several videos. I mean, no one had ever actually noticed that it was a female’s-

I panicked and the cardigan swiftly joined my straightener under the bed. I couldn’t leave this out anymore. What if people found it and thought that I wasn’t truly a man? I guess I thought maybe if the girl items were hidden and I didn't use them, that the gender role thoughts would disappear and the fans would magically stop questioning me.

“Dan! Come on out, we’re about to leave.” Phil yelled from the lounge, breaking my train of thought.

I crawled out from under the bed and made my way to the front of the flat to find Phil sliding into his shoes.

When I walked through the doorway, Phil looked up, squinted, and raised his eyebrows.

“Er… You do know that we’re going out, right?” He asked me.

“Yes. And?”

“It’s just - um - your hair is curly. I’m not used to it.” He moved towards me. “But, I’m not complaining. I think your natural hair is adorable.”

A blush rose onto my face. “Shush, let’s go.”

The trip to the small cafe we were meeting Louise in only took a few minutes, and when we walked through the bright doors of it, Louise’s bright pink hair was the first thing I saw. Pink. Why must it haunt me.

She sat in the back sipping a coffee. Beside her sat her daughter, Darcy.

“What would you like?” Phil asked me pulling 15 pounds out of his wallet.

“A lite iced caramel coffee with just a bit of almond milk, please.” Phil chuckled and started walking towards the counter when I stopped him. “Make sure you’re very clear about the almond milk though. Otherwise they’ll just give you a cup of whole milk with a little bit of coffee and sugar in it.” Phil just stared at me, but before he could make some comment about me being a high maintenance health blogger I said, “Thank you, love. I’m going to go say hello to Louise and Darcy now.” With that I turned on my heel and made my way to the back.

The second Darcy saw me her eyes lit up.

“Uncle Dan!” She screamed and bolted from her seat.

Now, Darcy may look like 50 pounds of pure sweetness, but this kid could sure pack a punch. She ran straight into my arms and I almost fell over.

“Darcy, dear, I didn’t expect you to be here! How are you?” I laughed and picked her up.

“I’m great. Mommy didn’t tell me you were coming either! Is Uncle Philly here?” She asked and I nodded.

“He’s right over there, hun. Why don’t you go surprise him with a hug.” I said and nodded into the direction Phil was standing. I put her down and she instantly ran to him. Smiling, I turned to Louise.

“She loves you so much, Daniel.” She said getting out of her seat to welcome me.

“Ah, it’s nice to see you too!” I yelled and pulled her in for a quick hug.

However, before she could return it, she began laughing. I pulled back and turned around to see what she was giggling about. Immediately, I choked out a laugh.

There, stood a completely covered in coffee Phil Lester with a screaming child at his feet.

I couldn’t contain my laughter. The look on his face represented fear, apology, and anger all at once. He looked - like a puppy. An actual puppy!

Laughs continued to echo from my mouth. Louise and I were howling and my ribs began to hurt.

“Louise.” I tried to form a sentence. “Louise, stop we have to go tend to our children.”

Louise continued to scream with laughter.

“What a mess.” I mumbled.

Soon, after we surprisingly didn’t get kicked out of the cafe for all of the commotion, we sat back down with the one drink that managed to survive.

“Well now that that is over…” Phil began. “Louise, it’s nice to see you again. It’s been a while.”

“Well, we haven’t seen each other since Vidcon so yes I would say it’s been a while.” She smiled and put his hand out to squeeze his. “I’ve missed you both.”

“We’ve missed you too.” I smiled and looked to Darcy. The four of us enjoyed a few minutes of small talk when suddenly Louise burst out a shout.

“OH MY GOD.” She screamed. “Look at this!” She turned her phone towards Phil and he read the screen.

“What is it?” I asked, but was completely ignored.

“Did she actually just…” Phil looked astonished.

“What is it?” I repeated myself.

Phil took the phone from Louise’s hand and gave it to me.

The screen showed a picture of Troye Sivan and Tyler Oakley in wild glamor makeup. Why did that gender bender epidemic seem to keep following me?

“What’s so special about this?” I asked.

Phil pointed at the bottom of the post and my eyes followed.

It read, “@TylerOakley: @Zozeebo did our makeup and let me just say I look FABULOUS”

But then I saw it… I wish I hadn’t. All of the replies were about me and Phil. I scrolled past hundreds of tweets demanding that Zoe do our makeup as well.

I grimaced and glanced up at Louise. “This is so wrong.”

I didn’t want her to do our makeup. I mean, i've always wondered how defined my cheeks could look with a bit of that contour stuff. And my eyelashes are so long I bet they would be huge with a bit of mascara applied. But those were weird thoughts no boys should be having, so I shoved them under the bed with the other things I wanted to forget.

Louise chuckled and said for me to refresh the page. As I did, I was struck with horror.

“@Zozeebo: What do you think @Danisnotonfire and @Amazingphil ? Want me to do your makeup next? :)”

Why would she do this? Why would she have publically ask me this in front of millions of followers? She could have simply texted me, which would have given me privacy to softly decline. But no, I had to come up with a quick excuse in less than 140 characters denying her for everyone will see.

I was angry to say the least.

Before Phil could even unlock his phone I was typing up a response.

“Dan, the fans seem to enjoy this idea maybe we sho-” His phone buzzed with my notification.

“@Danisnotonfire: @zozeebo we will have to pass on that one makeup isn't really meant for a guy like me :P”

Louise and Phil just looked at me without saying anything. Louise opened her mouth as if to ask me something, but decided against it. Twice. Finally, she settled on saying, “Make sure you aren't being mean to yourself, Dan. You are pressured enough as it is.”

Phil nodded in agreement, Darcy quickly sparked a new conversation, and the dark mood was lifted. However, Louise’s words continued to resonate in my mind. She was right. I was pressured too much. The fans were always asking of me.

Little did I know that she meant I was pressured not by my fans, but by society to be the masculine guy all males were raised to embody.

Chapter Text

I knew Phil could tell there was something off with me (the guy always knows) when he walked through the flat with a box of muffins. Now this may not sound very extreme, however these weren't your typical everyday muffins. They weren't the stale, dry yet soggy ones you buy from Tesco. No, these were my favorite muffins. Made from scratch, sugar exploding in your mouth, love at first sight muffins from the cutest bakery in London. The type of muffins one would die for to be able to ingest.

Phil walked towards me, set the box on my lap, and grinned brightly.

"Here you go, Daniel."

This was such an ideal situation - my adorable boyfriend bringing me my favorite muffins out of the kindness of his heart. Only, at this current moment in time, I wasn't exactly in the mood to eat such sugary greatness.

But because I would never not accept mini baked goods, I took them with a weak smile and migrated to the spare room after sparing him a thank you.

Bless Phil for trying. He knew something was going on, and so did I. It's just - I wasn't really sure what was happening. There were so many problems rolling around in my mind, but I didn't know how to solve any of them.

The main issue was that Tyler and Troye in makeup made the fans even more enthusiastic about me being a beauty guru. If I thought that I had received a lot of tweets telling me to wear bright lipstick and eyeliner previous to the caked face Troyler pictures, then I was completely wrong. My timeline was now nothing but "Dan wear makeup," And, "Do a summer haul!"

I sighed. Where had I gone wrong? Why was this blowing up so suddenly?

I mean I never had a particular interest in fashion or lush cosmetics or nail varnish, and I had surely never showed an interest publicly, so why did everyone think that I did?

Dan Howell wearing makeup? That was off limits. It was even discouraged by society. My branding may have been being ironic but this was WAY too much for me.

Now I have millions of teenage girls telling me that I should wear dresses and be interested in lip color. That's not me.

I was conflicted to say the least. My head was telling me I needed to be masculine, but a ton of people wanted me to be more feminine. The set list of boy interests I could have were always alright to me. But then people were telling me there was a whole other world of skills and styles that I could experiment with.

No, wait. I couldn't. I was already insecure about a number of things, so being girly was not another strange identity crisis I needed at the moment.

Danisnotonfire with the comical irony, existential deepness, and boyish charm was already popular. Girls loved me and that persona was the only thing that got me my millions of subscribers and undying support. Plus, no other boy liked the same things that my female friends did. Pewdiepie didn't wear Marzia's earrings, Joe Sugg didn't question whether or not he should wear his sister's clothes, Catrific didn't do Joey Graceffa's makeup because he wanted her to. No male YouTuber ever wore makeup. In fact, I hadn't even seen a single male beauty guru on YouTube...

Curiosity got the best of me.

I quickly sprinted to the lounge, grabbed my laptop, and ran back to the spare room. I opened the lid and pulled up YouTube.

Humming a Muse song to myself, I waited for the server to load. Our wifi was terrible.

Of course, I decided that it would be a splendid idea to see what beauty gurus really did or if there were any guys doing it too. Not that I wanted to toy with the concept personally. It was clearly just research. I mean, I was just watching a few silly videos! Duh.

However, I definitely could not be caught in the act of watching bloody makeup tutorials, so I put on headphones, grabbed the uneaten box of muffins, and snuck into a tiny corner of the room. If Phil saw me, I would have had to change my name, move out of the house, and delete myself from the face of earth. I really didn't want to do that.

Once the page loaded, I typed "beauty guru makeup tutorial," into the red search bar and pressed enter. Several videos popped up and while I didn't recognize many of the names, a lot of the videos had many hits. I hovered my mouse over one called "Everyday Makeup Look," and eventually found the courage to press it.

The cheery girl in front of the camera had bright blue eyes and couldn't have been more than 17. I felt like a creepy pervert. Ew.

She looked fine at the beginning. Sparse freckles (a lot like mine) danced across her round face and her cheeks were a rosey pink color. She looked entirely fine? I wasn't quite sure why she was putting on makeup actually.

After talking for about a minute, the girl applied foundation and concealer, covering her freckles and her face structure. It looked like paint. She then applied powder "to avoid being shiny" and some darker shadow stuff to her cheeks and jaw areas, creating a new face structure and apparently "completing the base."

I was shocked. After only using four products, she looked almost completely different. To me, that was incredible. Her face was flawless and more defined. Her complexion was beautiful. I wished my face could magically be less round.

I continued to watch as she applied mascara, eyeliner, blusher, and filled in her eyebrows. I didn't even know they made colored pencils just for your brows. By the end, all of her features were more there, or more neat. I was so impressed.

Once the screen turned black signaling that the 8 minute video was over I didn't know what to do. Should I have stopped? Yes. But did I? No.

I mean a few more videos wouldn't hurt me.

I began clicking on videos left and right. I watched some casual looks with natural colors, some wild statement looks including a video with galaxy eye lids covered in glittery bits, and another with deep wine red lipstick.

So much time and effort was put into all of these looks. It was like art. They were painting their faces like Vincent Van Gogh painted The Starry Night. I was in awe.

Eventually I moved on to watching some of my friends' videos such as Zoella and Louise. I even watched the infamous Tyler Oakley and Troye Sivan makeovers. They were... Interesting.

I decided next to watch Lou do a few clothing hauls and try-ons. A lot of the clothes looked very nice. Young Daniel's mum always taught me to compliment a woman on the way she looks. However, I didn't feel the way I usually did with these clothes. I liked them in a different way. It was almost as if I didn't believe her flowey skirts were nice out of politeness. Her soothing descriptions and poses made me like the actual clothes themselves.

"Dan, stop thinking like that." I whispered to myself, but couldn't make the smile on my face disappear as I clicked on the next recommended video.

It was a 2012 NUDE look book and the outfits were lovely! I slowly ventured further watching many more "look books" with women who dressed better whilst going to the promenade than I do going to the BBC.

I noted that none of them wore old skinny jeans with dysfunctional belts.

This reminded me of all the times I felt uncomfortable in my own clothes or didn't fit things the way I fancied. I always joked that it was because I was an eternal fail, but maybe it was because I wasn't meant to wear those things?

At this point, all of my worries were forgotten. I had never allowed myself to get so deeply involved in the world of girly activities. Appropriate. Girly activities.

At long last I decided it would be okay if i searched what I was thinking about the entire binge session.

"Makeup for guys."

I assumed no videos would come up, but surprisingly, there were a bunch of results! I was so excited. In fact, I don't think I had ever clicked on a video so fast in my life.

The video loaded and I felt invincible. The smile on my face grew so wide... Until I heard the first sentence come out of the female's mouth.

"Oh," I said out loud, my face falling into a frown.

It was a makeup look for girls to impress guys. It wasn't for guys. Maybe I had just misclicked. Surely the others were different.

I returned to the results and clicked through the other videos. I was wrong. All of them were just on how to get a man's attention with your highlight or something.

If that search wasn't going to get me the videos that I wanted, then I was going to type in something else.

"Male beauty guru."

Oh. Many results came up, but it definitely wasn't what I wanted. Page upon pages of beauty guru parodies by men showed up. All of them were guys putting on makeup as a joke. I looked away from the computer screen and closed my eyes.

"Because it is a joke", I reminded myself.

While mourning the realization that I had confirmed this lady stuff was not appropriate for a man, I hadn't realized that Phil had come into the room. I swear this guy always sneaks up on me.

"Whatcha watchin, Danny?" he exclaimed, the usual smile STILL on his face.

In my mind, I calmly clicked back to the youtube homepage and casually said, "Just browsing about for some video inspiration".

In real life, I screamed, slammed my laptop closed, and threw the still uneaten muffins at him.

My mouth dropped.

After he got over the initial shock of a flying muffin box being launched at his head, we just looked at eachother for a few seconds.

"You surprised me," I quickly blurted out.

"Yeah... I can see that," he said with a laugh. "You're sitting alone in the corner of our spare room watching videos while wearing ear buds. I'm pretty sure I know what you were doing."

I was afraid for a second that he somehow knew I was watching beauty videos until I noticed the sly/akwardness in his voice.

"WAIT NO PHIL NO NO NOOO. I. THAT IS NOT WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE," I protested and threw the laptop away from me.

He rolled his eyes and replied, "O-kay whatever you say, Dan.

An incredibly awkward silence filled the room and we continued to stare at each other.

"Dan, I know you have been feeling a little down recently, and I just wanted to help."

The awkwardness immediately went away.

I could see he was kind of hurt, but I couldn't tell if it was due to me not explaining my troubles, or because he believed I was watching pornography in secret.

I held out my hand so he could help me up and I pulled him in for a nice tight hug.

"I'm fine, love. You don't have to worry about me," I whispered into his neck, "I was hiding in shame so that I could eat all of the muffins without judgement." I hoped that he didn't notice that the muffin box was still full.

Phil squished me tighter and after a few encouraging whispers along the lines of "You can tell me anything," And, "You are perfect," And, "You better not eat all of the muffins," we called it a night and headed off to bed. He didn't notice.

As we prepared for bed, I couldn't help but feel a little let down that this new world of beauty and fashion I had just discovered was taken from me so quickly. It was honestly too bad that those things were for girls. I might have looked nice with a little contouring and some high waisted pants.

I sighed and snuggled up next to Phil. Maybe the thoughts would be gone tomorrow.

Chapter Text

"No way."

I heard mumbling.

"You have to be kidding. That makes no sense at all."

More mumbling. What a great way to wake up in the morning.

"No, we don’t wear any of that. I don't understand. Are you sure they were meant to be sent to us and not somebody else?"

Groggily, my eyes made their way open.

"Oh, I see. Yes, of course I'll come pick everything up immediately..."

I sat up slowly and glanced towards where Phil was standing. He had his phone to his ear while simultaneously attempting to pull a shirt over his head.

"Thank you for calling and letting us know. I'm sorry for any trouble this has caused... Yes, okay. Thank you... Alright, Goodbye."

Phil's eyebrows shifted downwards and he dashed across the room to his closet of bright colors to grab a pair of shoes. Thankfully, we had a nice cuddle the night before and it left me feeling a lot more calm and happy about everything. I got a full night's sleep without having to think about-

"Makeup Dan. Do you know anything about a bunch of makeup being sent to us?" Phil asked while slipping his feet into a pair of vans.

My eyes shot open and my head slammed against the headboard behind me. Well, I was definitely awake now. I guess things were definitely not about to look up.

Phil knew. He had to know.

Had he checked my search history while I was asleep? What if he hated me now? I couldn’t lose him, I could never.

He turned towards me and stared, a confused look etched onto his face.

"Dan, why are you so jumpy! Did you order all of this girl stuff without me knowing or something?"

‘Girl stuff’ began repeating in my head.

"Of course not, I'm a BOY!" I explained. However, in the process of doing so, I felt a sharp pain in the back of my skull. Obviously because I had just slammed my head.

“Daniel James Howell, you are going to stand up right now and tell me what’s going on. The post just called and said our viewer mail box is overflowing with packages from makeup stores.”

Somehow, the ideas I shoved under the spare bed resurfaced and I was interested. I was perhaps even a little excited. I imagined myself going through all of the packages and testing out whatever the fans decided to send us. I imagined painting on the foundation stuff and drawing with that eyebrow colored pencil. I imagined trying different eyeshadow colors to go with my outfits or moods. I imagined me showing Phil how pretty it would turn out and him saying that I looked beautiful.

Except that's not what would happen. Phil wouldn't– no, Phil couldn’t like the way I looked in mascara and blusher. It was wrong. It was not for me. I put those thoughts back under the bed.

“I have no idea why that would be happening! Close the bloody P.O. box then!”

“Dan, you know we can't do that to our viewers! They love interacting with us that way."

"Well, If you don't do it then I will. I'm not going to the post every day to receive 100 boxes of lipstick and dresses or whatever they've decided to torture me with."

"Torture you? They are supporting us and you’re angry that they just got a little enthusiastic with gifts?"

"It's different."

"No, Dan, you're different. I've never seen you get so worked up about a bunch of goddamn girls stuff. Something is wrong with you and you won't even explain what’s going on in that hectic head of yours when I just want to help!”

The room fell silent.

“Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out how to handle this situation. Maybe when I come back you won't be so grumpy."

Phil left and closed the door rather loudly. This was the biggest argument we had gotten into in such a long time... All because I was confused about gender roles and my interests.

I felt bad for not letting Phil know what was wrong with me, but I just couldn't explain. He'd always known me as a masculine guy, and he had always described makeup and skirts as items ‘for girls’. I couldn't handle him laughing at me, or — god forbid— him being disgusted by me.

I wanted to stop this once and for all. No more questioning. No more thinking. I just wanted to use, wear, and like my guy stuff like a normal human male.

I spent the next hour snatching up anything and everything around the flat that could possibly be considered girly.

Our Hello Kitty mug (one that was gifted to us ironically), a fuzzy scarf Louise got me, the "Becky and Jessica" clothes I used for sketches, my hair care products… All of this was shoved under the bed one after another.

But the second I threw my earrings under, tears began spilling from my eyes. I was so... Infuriated at myself for being - Dramatic? Disappointed that I couldn't be myself? Angry that I couldn't try girls things without being made fun of?

Bottom line was, I was a mess.

In my teary fit I became quite clumsy. While turning around from throwing a beaded bracelet under the bed, I knocked over a lamp. It busted upon impact with the floor.

I was shocked for a second, before I realized I needed to clean it up. I wiped my tears, hopped over the porcelain, and walked to the kitchen for a broom and dustpan. I felt ultra morose whilst dramatically sweeping up the shattered remains and wrapping up my cry session.

"Ouch. Nice one you flop."

When I, somehow, got a cut gash on the palm of my hand, the Reasons Why Dan's A Fail theme resonated in my mind. I destroyed a lamp and then made myself bleed all within a 60 second period.

At least Phil was clumsier than me.

The wound was bleeding more profusely than I ever thought possible from just a lamp shard, so I made my way to the bathroom to get a plaster. After rummaging around our cabinets for minutes, I finally saw them.

What a sick fucking joke.

The only plasters we had were covered with none other than: Barbie. Barbie symbols and flowers and pink and purple. The girliest little girl thing ever. I'm guessing Phil bought them ironically to surprise whoever would need one in the future. However, this surprise just pushed me past my breaking point.

If I thought I was crying before, then I didn’t know what crying meant. Now I was in full on meltdown mode. I sunk to the ground, completely forgot about my cut, and just lost it on the bathroom floor. Having a fit over the color bandages. A sick joke.

Thoughts ran through my mind at impecable speeds. My brain had to have been collapsing.

Why couldn’t I do what I wanted?

Why couldn’t I do girly things?

Why is everything so wrong?

Why was I like this?

Because of my loud sobs echoing in the bathroom, I hadn’t realized that Phil had come in and was rubbing my back. He didn't ask what was wrong or even make a sound. He just sat with me and waited. After a few last gasps and sniffles, I was finally ready to talk. I couldn’t contain it any longer.

"The plasters are pink, Phil."

"Yes, they are."

"Pink is a girls color."

"Dan, you need to put one on. You've dribbled blood all over yourself."

"But it's pink."

Silence.

Phil dragged his arms around my torso and lifted me off the ground. He spun me around and began searching my eyes for answers.

"So what, Dan? What's so wrong with the color? What's so wrong with you?"

His voice was so gentle. His eyes pulled me in.

I had looked into those eyes while confessing and discussing so so so much worse. I could trust him always.

"I can't like girls things. It's weird and I'm a boy and I can only like boys things." A tear rolled down the side of my face, but Phil was there to catch it. He wiped it away, but kept his hand on my cheek.

"Have you had an interest in girly things lately, Dan? Is that what this is about?" He whispered.

"All of the fans have been demanding I do feminine things and I had never had an interest in any of it until they started talking about it so I looked up some makeup tutorials and clothing hauls and whatever the beauty gurus do and it looked so nice and fun and pretty and I was so interested but I hate myself for being interested because I can't be! Phil, in your ‘why I was a weird kid’ video you said you did makeup when you were younger and that it was weird because you're a boy and that it is strange and it really is because that's for girls you said it yourself-"

"Bear."

Phil had the saddest frown on his face. He retracted his hand from my face, bringing it to the back of his head, and stepped back. At that moment, I thought "this is it.” He had finally realized how embarrassing I was and he was disgusted.

"I'm sorry, Bear. I'm so so sorry."

"What?" I replied in a small voice.

"That was such a horrible thing for me to say in a video. It was so inconsiderate. Listen, I don't care how you like to dress or what you think is pretty. None of that gender role stuff should get in your way of happiness, okay? That stuff isn’t just for girls."

I was stunned.

"You… You don't think I'm strange for being interested in feminine things?"

"Dan, I could never think anything negative about you. You aren't interested in girly things. You are interested in things that you like. You said you thought the makeup and the beauty guru clothes were pretty, right? That is perfectly okay. I mean, who said those were JUST for girls in the first place? I ought to send them a STRONGLY worded letter."

At this point I cracked a small smile. "Oh no, Phil, how could the gender police survive your emails filled with typos and 'please and thank you's?"

"Hey. Shut up. I love you no matter what okay. I wish you would have told me this before as I've never paid attention to any of this fan beauty guru concept stuff. You and I can watch these videos you like together!"

The tears started to sneak their way out again, but this time out if joy.

"Thank you, Phil."

Phil smiled, reached over, and grabbed one of the Barbie plasters.

"I'm so happy you are okay with this. I would love to show you some of the stuff I saw. Did you know that they make this dark powder to make your cheekbones look deeper? You can also draw little pictures on your nails with varnish. It looks like real art! And you can buy these candles that smell EXACTLY like cotton candy."

Phil unwrapped the bandage, placed it over my gash, and sealed it with a kiss.

"I can't wait for you to show me."

Chapter Text

Going through all of the fan gifts was honestly like Christmas come early.

Because Phil talked to me and assured me that I should try liking whatever I wanted no matter what gender it was meant for, getting excited over the makeup packages, accessories, and bath bombs felt a lot more acceptable. I felt more myself for the first time in a very long time. After years of self hatred and bad body image, this felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. One that I didn’t know was still there.

Once we cleaned up the shattered lamp and my shattered mental state, we went to the living room where all 42 packages waited for us. All varied in size and brand. All very exciting.

“Well, here they are. Would you like to go through them together? Before we talked about everything I figured we would donate it, but now there might be something in here you would like,” Phil assured me with a smile.

“Yes, please. That would definitely be ideal."

So there we sat for the next hour and a half. Ripping open packages with notes saying “I love you guys”, “Dan, this is how you use this product”, and “Phil, please wear this nail polish."

I recalled that a lot of the items were very expensive, so I noted to scold the fans for paying too much. Scolding them for introducing me to “girl” interests no longer seemed valid.

Watching Phil intently study a set of flower crowns sparked a question in me.

“Wait Phil, you don’t have any desire to use this stuff, right? In your video you sort of made it out like you really, really didn’t…”

Phil looked a little red in the face. “I still can’t believe I said something so stupid in a video and that it had such a big impact on someone else's life. I really should have been more considerate. Next time I'll think before I speak, I promise.”

I waved off his regrets with a smile and a “don’t worry," so that he would answer my question.

“Okay. The truth is,” Phil begins, “I’ve never minded any of it. All of the beauty stuff the fans like to imagine us in- oh, this palette would look great with your eyes- it doesn't bother me at all. As far as watching beauty videos though, I've only watched Louise's videos of her trying on clothes and makeup whenever she uploads. That’s all I’ve looked into.”

“But you have never thought about trying it out yourself, have you?” I said as I sorted through a box of different makeup brushes.

“It’s never been what I would really like I guess. Makeup seems complicated, and I just wouldn’t look right in leggings or skirts or whatever.”

I must have looked a little uneasy at this because Phil was quick to add on to his previous statement, “Hey, but that doesn’t mean it’s because I’m a guy! Guys can wear what they want as long as it makes them happy. You can do whatever pleases you, Dan, and I swear that I will support you no matter what. No gender label can stop us.” He handed over some varnishes for me to add to the 'nail stuff' pile and I beamed at him.

“And actually, I really do like the fanart of you wearing dresses and painting your nails. They’re really cute. Only, I didn’t want to tell you before because I figured it was a bit of a touchy subject.”

I smiled widely for like the thousandth time that day.

“I liked those too, Phil. I just thought it was wrong at the time, but like usual, I was incredibly incorrect. I mean all of this stuff is so cool! Look at this Naked eye shadow set and look at this peel off lipstick and- OH MY GOSH look! This girl from New York got us matching tutus!” (I definitely wasn’t going to wear those out of the house but sporting one around the flat seemed lighthearted and fun.)

Phil laughed at my outburst and I jumped up to try it on. The bright purple frill barely made it over my legs, but I worked it anyway. Laughter continuously escaped my mouth as I began to run around Phil in order to see the tutu fly by my sides. I felt invincible.

“Do you think you’re going to use any of these things, Dan?”

I stopped twirling and examined the room. We had finally gotten through all of the gifts. They were separated into various piles: eye makeup, nail varnish, clothing, accessories, lip sticks/glosses, and a mish mosh of other non-feminine letters/presents. It was quite a hefty haul.

My eyes made their way to Phil's.

“Well, currently my beauty guru skill levels are at a whopping... Zero, as they should be. Plus, a lot of this makeup is complicated, expensive, and zazzy, so I probably couldn't wear any of it out yet." Phil nodded his head and I began to think. "Wait! Maybe I should go out and buy some cheap, more natural looking stuff to start off with?”

I jumped up and down in the floofy tutu and begged Phil to let me purchase lighter makeup.

I mean, of course more makeup was the last thing we really needed, but if I wanted to explore this new interest I needed to start somewhere. And even then it would take a while for me to have the confidence to wear what I wanted in public. Phil may not have cared if I tried on some red lipstick but that didn’t mean everyone online or outside would.

“Whatever would make you most comfortable! Oh, and if you need help you could always ask Louise?-”

“-NO.” I dropped the boxes I was flattening and snapped my head towards the man across the room from me. Phil looked startled. “Uh... Sorry. I mean, I would rather not let her know. I would rather not let anyone know right now. For crying out loud, until a few hours ago I was too afraid to tell you, someone I’ve lived with for four years, that I was interested in feminine stuff. I don’t really want to go off flaunting it. A lot of guys make fun of the boys who wear makeup and I don't want to have to go through any of that..."

“Dan,” Phil said, picking up and handing me the dropped boxes, “Those guys can’t tell you, or anyone for that matter, how to live their lives. They probably embarrass other boys about liking makeup so they can cope with the fact that they like it themselves. Do me a favor and don't listen to a word any of those guys have to say, okay?"

Another wide smile. One more positive reinforcement and this man was going to break me, in a good way of course.

“What would I do without you, Phil?”

“Cry. All of the time.”

Clearly, this comment was meant to be a joke, but deep down we both knew it wasn’t far from the truth.

"But really, Dan, I'm not going to tell anyone if you don’t want me to. Hey! Wait, actually, I think Louise posted a video the other day about starter makeup kits, so if you don’t want to ask her directly maybe we can watch that?"

I set the boxes on the floor and and walked up to Phil.

“That's a perfect idea! I saw that in my sub box a while back. It would definitely be useful for this situation, and I already trust Louise with almost anything... So, sure. Thank you so much, Phil. Without you I wouldn't be doing this."

I grabbed his hands.

“I actually can’t believe I’m really doing this.”

-

Later that evening, Phil accompanied me to the shops to buy simple and cheap makeup. I was thankful he was there by my side due to the fact that I really didn’t want to be doing this alone. It scared me too much.

Because all of the products Louise had recommended for a first makeup kit were purchased from bunches of different stores, we decided the closest drugstore was good enough.

I wondered how Louise would have reacted if she had known that a grown man was using that video for serious advice. Much less her own close friend.

The video showed heaps of things I had seen in other tutorials, just they were cheaper and contained less complicated applicators. Perfect for me, the eternal screw up.

I was in awe while looking through the simple and sparse beauty isle. I had never looked at any of the products more than just in a passing glance so to me it was enchanting. I shook my head. If only I had known all of these years that I myself could play around with the color swatches and curl my lashes with the little scissor looking things.

“Okay, what’s first, Dan?”

I had written down a detailed list of the product names, brands, and even the tips Louise shared on how to apply them. I was more than ready for this.

“First, we need concealer because I always look like a zombie from staying up until 3am on tumblr, and it’s supposed to cover under eye bags, so I figured it would be nice. She said try the ‘Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer,’ The price isn’t too shabby either.”

“Let’s look then!” Phil said,picking up a shopping basket. Bless him.

It took forever to find the exact concealer from the video. This ‘makeup shopping’ thing was harder than it looked. Holding the small bottle in my hands made me feel beyond giddy. Like the kind of giddy you feel when you meet someone you’ve always idolized for the first time in real life. We held the different shades up to my face to see which matched best. Turned out that I needed the lightest one.

“Now you can’t joke about me being too pale.” Phil laughed and stuck his tongue out at me.

“Shut up, you doorstop. This stuff is supposed to be lighter than your overall skin tone so you’re still bloody translucent.” I said with in my extra posh accent.

Phil tried to argue in his defense, but I cut him off by placing my hand over his mouth. He stopped and I walked ahead of him.

“Anyway, next we need ‘Rimmel Stay Matte Powder’ as my face is oily as heck. This will make me look less like I’ve always just gone for a run.”

“Dan, do you really think people believe you’ve just gone for a run.” Phil said as he poked my small tummy.

I faked offence and poked his tummy back. “Hey, I told you to shut up! Help me find this.”

After another bit of playful banter over what color was right for me, we settled on the second lightest. From then on, we proceeded to look into the other products I listed until we gathered the ones I was interested in trying.

We got the Barry M Lipgloss in a subtle shade close to my natural lip color as I wasn’t quite yet brave enough to try the deeper wine color I found in one of the packages. We also got the Barry M Super Soft Eye Crayon that I joked about Phil probably buying for his 2009 DailyBooth photos, the Sleek Storm Palette for me to test out a smokey eye with, and a wildcard Revlon mascara since the one from the video was rather expensive and bold.

Finally, after what felt like hours of shopping, we ran to the front of the shop to checkout and after spending an acceptable amount of money, headed back home.

Upon entering the flat, I instantly ran to the bathroom and dumped all of the items we had bought onto the counter next to the sink. My hands sifted through the materials and ripped through every last box. Soon makeup covered the tabletop.

I couldn’t wait a second longer to recreate some looks I’d viewed online.

An idea sprung to my mind and quickly, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and typed ‘makeup’ into the safari search box. I clicked on the first image that came up. It was a girl, probably in her twenties, wearing heavy makeup.

Yeah, I couldn’t do that. Next.

I scrolled through the page until I found someone wearing lighter makeup.

“Oh, now THAT… I can do.,” I told myself and dug through the cosmetics in front of me.

I applied concealer to my face, and instantly felt happiness run through my body.

I added powder on top of that, and felt free.

I had never realized just how much gender roles were possessing me until I finally stopped caring and did what made me happy.

Eyeshadow was spread upon my eyelids, and a smile lit up my face.

A coat of blusher was blended throughout my cheeks, and the feeling of pure joy began to overwhelm me.

My fears of not being manly enough were vanished and I’d never felt so unstoppable.

I ran mascara through my eyelashes and the look was complete.

And then I looked into the mirror.

“Oh. My. God.” Laughter bubbled through my stomach and erupted from my mouth as yelps at what I had just seen before me. I couldn’t stop the giggles from escaping.

I could hear scrambling behind the door as I continued to laugh my head off.

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil knocked on the door hectically, but I couldn’t answer. Instead, I continued to stare at my reflection in the mirror.

“Dan, I’m coming in.”

The door made its way open and Phil burst through it, a look of worry of his face.

“Dan- Oh my god.”

Once again, my giggles filled the room, but this time they were accompanied by a tall black haired man’s as well.

When I had looked into the mirror, I had seen the damage I had created. Makeup was EVERYWHERE. I looked like a toddler who had just gotten into their mother’s makeup pouch.

Concealer and powder were clumped together and completely unblended, eyeshadow ran down my face, and my face was bright pink.

Yeah, I should have probably looked up a tutorial. I probably should have felt bad about all of this, but I didn’t. I was aware that it was a learning experience.

Minutes later, Phil and I calmed ourselves on the bathroom floor and gasped for the breaths we had forgotten to take while laughing away.

“So, Phil, what do you think of your boyfriend now?” I asked Phil with a lighthearted smirk.

“I think he looks beautiful.” Phil didn’t hesitate to respond. My smirk slowly turned into a soft smile and a blush.

While I was busy blushing at the simple compliment, Phil leaned towards the sink and picked up an item I must have missed while applying my masterpiece.

Phil tore open the box and revealed a pen looking device. Ah, liquid eyeliner. Phil looked from the eyeliner towards me and then back to the eyeliner.

“Close your eyes, Daniel.”

I did as told and smiled when I felt something softly poke at my eye. A cold feeling glided across my lids and once the feeling went away, I gently opened them and looked up to see a concentrated Phil staring at what he’d done.

“How do I look now?” I whispered quietly.

“You look amazing, Dan.”

“Thank you.”

I fell forward into Phil’s arms and we lay there talking for the rest of the night. I was finally happy with who I was and thankfully, I stood next to someone who fully accepted me as well… I guess things truly were looking up for me.