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“Hey, Yoonchae! This one is for you!” Megan aims towards the basket, shoots, and the ball doesn’t even make it anywhere near the net. In fact, it bounces off the backboard and almost hits her in the head. She hears laughter coming from the bleachers and as she turns around she passes the ball to the girl walking down the stairs.
“You would make every LeBron fan shake in their boots if they saw you.” Lara joked as she avoids the ball at all costs. She moves out the way, which results in the ball flying all over the court. “Or if not, at least Jeong Yoonchae.” She sends a smug look to the Korean girl still sitting down. Said girl was sitting down with her chin resting on the palms of her hands, looking like she would rather be anywhere else. She makes eye contact and sends a small smile towards her girlfriend, although she glares at Lara.
Yoonchae stands up suddenly, dusting off her hoodie like she hasn’t been sitting down at the same spot for the past half hour, “She isn’t that bad at the game. She just doesn’t play with anyone else.” Nine times out of ten, Yoonchae would be sitting down watching Megan miss shot after shot while Lara scrolled on social media.
“And whose fault is that?” Megan asks as she takes a sip of her water. “Both of you refuse to play with me.”
“Sorry I’m not the most enthusiastic about chipping my nails every time I need to dribble the ball.” Lara points with her chin at Megan’s hands. Her nails, unlike Lara’s, are cut short with the nail polish fading away. Megan just shrugs, dismissing the callout and instead motions her girlfriend to join her on the court.
Yoonchae slowly walks down the stairs of the bleachers and puts her hair up in a ponytail. “I’ll do free throws. But that’s it. I get way too tired after running around for too long.”
Megan pouts, “Aw come on, just one game.” She holds up a finger to further emphasize the number.
“No,”
She takes a step forward and ignores the annoyed sigh from Lara, “Please? This might be our last chance to play a game together. We’re graduating soon, remember?” Because right, it’s April and they’re in their final year of high school before everyone has to head off their own ways. Megan had applied to one two colleges and got into one of them. Yoonchae applied to five and got accepted into four, two of them being the same universities that Megan applied to. It makes sense for her, Yoonchae is an absolute academic weapon whereas Megan is just…Megan. And of course, there was always a chance that Yoonchae would go her own way away from Megan. However, that wasn’t a thought that lingered for more than five seconds in Megan’s head because why wouldn’t they go to college together? They’ve been dating for over a year now and were a good couple. They understood each other when others didn’t.
Yoonchae dramatically pauses and taps her chin in thought, or at least acts like it. “Fine. Only because I know once we start studying for our finals we won’t have time to stay after school like this.”
Megan cheers like a little kid who just got granted permission to enter a candy store while Lara just groans. She’s already walking towards the gym door and sending a wave behind her, “Goodbye, love birds. I’ll go to Manon’s house and bother her instead. Please don’t give Yoonchae a concussion.”
“I would never– hey, you can’t steal my ball yet, the game hasn’t actually started! I haven’t even blown the whistle!”
-
Sophia has always had the group hangouts to be at her house, on her couch, watching some silly disney movie from her childhood. The six of them all struggle to fit all at once, so there’s always a duo that end up on the floor or grabbing a beanbag from her room because they aren’t too fond of falling off. It’s family bonding, Sophia has always said since sophomore year. Every time she mentions this, she either gets a pillow thrown at her or a collective grown from the other five girls. Today, no one seemed to have enough energy to complain. They’ve all been tired from endless back-to-back study sessions and tests.
Luckily, Megan has the couch this week along with Sophia, Manon, and Yoonchae. The two eldest girls are basically cuddling together as the movie starts while Daniela and Lara are sitting together on the carpeted floor. Megan sits down on her side of the sofa and she’s quick to invite Yoonchae to lay down on her lap. Although Megan is big on physical touch, Yoonchae isn’t. In fact, she actually kind of dislikes it, so she isn’t too fond of embracing Megan – especially in front of the others. Megan is well aware of that, so she doesn’t initiate it very often for Yoonchae’s happiness, even though it hurts a little inside. However, today Yoonchae doesn’t complain and just stays silent as she lays her head on Megan’s thighs.
Megan adjusts the blanket so it covers the entirety of Yoonchae’s body. “You like the view?” She asks her girlfriend who was staring at her. Yoonchae giggles a little and they both earn a hush from Daniela on the floor.
Yoonchae was never good at staying awake during movies. She would end up falling asleep about ninety-five percent of the time and softly snoring by the time the credits rolled around. Tonight was no different. During the middle of the film, Megan felt Yoonchae’s head lean back further and when she looked down she was indeed sleeping. She smiled fondly as she brushed the hair out of her face but shortly thereafter she heard her mumbling in her sleep.
To Megan, her speaking was a little incoherent. Yoonchae’s words were both silent and slurred at the same time, so she struggled to understand the things that were being said. At first, Megan tried to shrug it off and ignore it, but as the movie progressed Yoonchae began to smile like crazy. What was stranger was that it wasn’t just a small grin or anything like that; no. Yoonchae was fully smiling from ear-to-ear, her teeth showing and everything. Megan’s heart ached a little, realizing that Yoonchae had only smiled at her like that once, and that was when they first got together. Megan knows that Yoonchae isn’t that much of a smiler anyway, so she acts like it’s no big deal.
But then her smile falls, “I’m sorry,” Yoonchae mumbles. Megan is now extremely confused.
What?
“Hey, you don’t have to be sorry about anything,” Megan whispers as she leans down a little to kiss her forehead. She pauses for a brief moment, “I love you,” That’s the first time Megan has ever said those words to anyone, and she truly does mean them. Yet, Megan never hears the words from Yoonchae’s mouth when she’s conscious.
-
“Do you believe in destiny?” Megan asks one day when they’re sitting outside for lunch at school. The other four girls were picking up their meal and it was her and Yoonchae’s responsibility to reserve the lunch table.
Yoonchae takes a sip of her soda with an eyebrow raised, “That’s a random question.” When she looks at Megan’s serious face, she laughs a little. So does Megan. “What do you mean ‘destiny’?”
“Like,” Megan pauses to find the correct words. She ponders for a moment, “If people are meant to be or not,”
“Oh,” Yoonchae now understands. She reaches over to hold Megan’s hand, “I think it just depends on the people. Some people meet and fall in love at first sight, like they’re soulmates. For others, it might be the right person, but at the wrong time. Or maybe, they just aren’t meant to be.”
Megan teases, “Wow, when did you get so wise?”
Yoonchae shrugs, “I’ve just been reading a lot. Preparing for next year, y’know?”
Megan laughs, completely at ease, “Yoonchae, you still have months until you need to actually prepare. You should just focus on right now, you’ll have a lot more on your shoulders if you continue to act like this.” During the course of their relationship, Megan has learned that she’s an extreme overachiever; involving herself in many organizations and having such high grades. On the flipside of that, Megan herself is mediocre at best in every way possible. They’re both so different, it’s almost insane how they’re even dating each other.
“Yeah yeah, but you know how I am, I can handle it.” Yoonchae smiles at her, “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
Megan puts her hands up in resignation, “Okay then. I’ll be able to check up on you a lot next year anyway since we’re going to college together too.”
Yoonchae chuckles, but it seems a little forced. She shifts in her seat a little, seemingly uncomfortable. She has a guilty look on her face as if she just kicked a puppy and it’s foreign to Megan. She’s about to ask what's wrong until—
“Jeong Yoonchae!” Lara exclaims as her, Manon, Sophia, and Daniela are walking beside her carrying bags of food. “I thought you said the food wouldn’t cost that much! It took over a hundred out of my account!”
Happy by the distraction, she stands up to give them a hand. Megan stays sitting. “Sorry, I forgot to tell you the specifics.”
Megan tries to decipher Yoonchae’s face. Nothing. She doesn’t understand. The only reasonable answers are the ones she buries deep in the back of her mind. She spends her lunch talking to the others like it’s nothing, because it is. She stays oblivious to the way Yoonchae glances at her every so often like she’s giving her an apology. Megan just continues to smile her way like she always has. It’s hard for Yoonchae to smile back.
-
Megan is laying down on Yoonchae’s bed, endlessly scrolling through her for you page. They had finally been able to work out a day where just the two of them could be together. Right now, she’s grabbing popcorn from a bowl Yoonchae had grabbed earlier. Speaking of which, she hears her on the phone in the hallway since her bedroom door is closed. Megan figures it’s probably a personal thing with her family, or a check-in with her friends from Korea. The ones fluent in English most likely, since they were how she was able to adjust to the language here in the first place. She doesn’t pay much attention to it.
But then she hears Yoonchae’s voice rise little by little. Eyebrows furrowed, she slowly gets up and presses her ear against the door to hear better. So she’s nosey, sue her. And then she starts to hear her name get brought up from Yoonchae’s lips again and again. Huh. Weird.
“You don’t get it.” The irritation in Yoonchae’s voice is clear. “I’m happier.”
Then there’s silence, which means Yoonchae either hung up or the person on the other side of the line is speaking. Megan is so curious about the call, but she knows better than to let her girlfriend know she is listening to her conversation right behind the door. Her hand is resting on the doorknob like she’s going to storm out the room at any second. Maybe she’s just paranoid.
“Whatever.” Is what Yoonchae says, and Megan hears her finger aggressively tap on her screen to hang up. Megan hears her walking back to her room, and out of impulsive thinking she opens the door. She does a little too forcefully, because she’s met with Yoonchae flinching in surprise and Megan’s embarrassed because to her, it probably looks like she was eavesdropping. Well, she was, but Yoonchae doesn’t have to know that.
Yoonchae looks on edge, “What?”
Megan clears her throat, “Nothing. I just have to use the bathroom.” Her shoulder brushes against Yoonchae’s as she walks past her. The younger doesn’t say anything when she comes back.
-
maybe we make our destiny. is what Yoonchae texts her later that night, continuing their interrupted conversation from a few days before.
Megan types out, what r u talkin abt and she sends it.
you know how the other day we were talking about if people are meant to be?
ohhhh
ur talkin abt that
yeah.
I was thinking about it last night, then I remembered we never got to finish the conversation.
what do u mean make our own destiny tho
I dont get that
we don’t have to believe in a certain destiny to work, or not just us, other people as well.
it’s like.
I don’t know how to explain it, sorry.
Its okay
can i ask u smth?
sure.
r u scared for the future
or atleast our future?
maybe just a little bit.
somedays I just feel ready.
or anxious.
or guilty.
guilty?
why would u feel guilty abt anything
Seen.
Megan waits for a response, but after thirty minutes she’s still left on read.
guess u fell asleep
i get it, ik youve had a lot on ur shoulders
btw
i think i understand what u meant by destiny
Megan’s finger pauses over her keyboard for a brief moment.
She starts typing again, i think maybe ours is destined to break
What? No, they couldn’t be. They were good together. Why was she thinking like this? Maybe she also needs to go to sleep, it’s almost midnight anyway.
She deletes it.
Megan types out anyways goodnight <3 and tries to go to sleep. Instead, an awful thought begins to linger in the back of her mind and she cries herself to sleep.
-
It all comes to a head at a party a few days after exams. Lara hosts it at her house and invites about forty of her closest friends in total. The number doesn’t faze Megan at all – in fact, she had thought the invite list would’ve been at least double the amount, but she figures Lara wants it to be chill with no drama as a way to celebrate getting through the year. Graduation is coming up soon, anyway.
Megan drives to her house with Sophia in the passenger seat. When she pulls up in the driveway, she can only imagine the smell of drugs when she walks inside. “Yoonchae’s already here, right?” She asks the Filipina. The latter nods.
The door almost immediately opens by a red-faced Lara who is holding some type of shitty soda as soon as they knock. “Welcome in gals.” She lets them in and Megan is quick to notice the flashing lights in the living room and a couple making out in the kitchen. Typical. “Please have fun tonight. We all deserve it.”
And they do. They find Manon, Daniela, and Yoonchae all talking together in a hallway and for a while they just stand there and chatter. Yoonchae waves to Megan when she sees her but that’s it. Megan tries to shrug it off like it’s nothing. Tonight it should just be a time where they all get to enjoy themselves. At one point, she asks Yoonchae to have a dance with her and she agrees warily. Even the way she shifts on her feet is obvious with how she would rather be anywhere else. Megan just lets her go with a sad look in her eyes. Yoonchae notices, because it’s kind of hard to ignore the way her hands leave her waist.
So that’s how Megan finds herself leaning against the kitchen counter with a cup full of overly too sweet fruit punch. She’s bored. Her friends are all doing something else and her girlfriend was seemingly trying her best to get away from her.
A guy she had biology with approaches her. He has a vape pen in his hand and based on the way he’s walking, he’s definitely high, and so she raises an eyebrow. He notices this, “Want one?”
“No thanks, I don’t vape.” She takes a small sip of her drink. “What’s up?”
“Nothing, just in my feels right now.” He stands beside her. “This tends to happen when I have this in my hand. Don’t worry. But man, my situationship left early to go take care of his siblings. But honestly I’m just really scared about next year. I’m glad I’m not losing him to an ivy league that’s across the country though. Hey, how do you feel about you and Yoonchae not going to the same university? Isn’t that weird? Oh and by the way, how much did you pay for your graduation gown? I still haven’t even checked the email that was sent out…”
Megan stops listening about halfway through. Her empty cup falls from her hand as her grip loosens, “Wait, what?”
His eyes widen as he seems to know immediately what’s going on. “Aw, man, you didn’t know? I thought she had told you already. Sorry to break it to you.” He pats her back reassuringly as if she had just missed a basket in P.E class rather than finding out her girlfriend has been hiding very important information from her.
She storms off with only one thing in mind: Find Yoonchae. She’s not in the right state of mind to act normally when she sees her laughing with Lara and Manon on the living room couch. She storms over to her and grabs her wrist a little too roughly, “We need to talk. Now.”
Yoonchae doesn’t make an effort to say anything but she turns around to give the other two girls a sheepish look as Megan drags her outside to the backyard. She closes the door behind them, and she’s trying to think of the best way to approach this. Her chest is heaving and so is Yoonchae’s. Eventually, she settles on, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
Megan scoffs, “Don’t play dumb, Yoonchae. You rejected the letter. Why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted in the first place?”
Yoonchae stays silent, she’s kicking some dirt on the ground and it’s only making Megan’s patience fade away by the second.
“You at least owe me an explanation. I just found out my girlfriend has been lying to me for the past, what, two months and the only reason I know that is because a guy who’s high on weed as we speak told me thinking I already knew. Do you know, no, do you even have an inch of a clue of how much that hurts? Is this why you’ve been acting all weird around me recently?” When she sees Yoonchae still looking down at her shoes, “Just look at me! You can’t even fucking look at me!”
Yoonchae murmurs something under her breath, but Megan can’t hear her. “What?”
“I didn’t want to make it harder than it already is.” Yoonchae admits, and it’s only then that she finally looks up at Megan with glossy eyes.
“Make what harder? You should’ve told me as soon as you made that choice. I wouldn’t have gotten upset. Sad? Sure, a little bit, but I would’ve understood you wanted to attend a better college. We could work something out, Yoonchae.”
“You didn’t have to lie.” Megan tells her gently.
“It’s not just that, it’s just…” Yoonchae runs her fingers through her hair, “I don’t know how to put it.”
“What? Is there another reason?”
“I didn't know how you would react to it. I thought you would’ve tried to convince me otherwise, or begin to freak out and I didn’t want that. I figured it would’ve been easier to find out from someone else–”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Megan actually raises her voice and Yoonchae flinches as she takes a step backward. “So you thought that lying, hiding, keeping a secret from me was the best choice to pick about this? Did everyone else know about this? Did you tell them not to tell me?” Then, a horrific thought dawns on her.
“You’re not happy.” She declares, although she hopes that isn’t the case. “You’re not happy with me, are you?”
Yoonchae winces, and Megan instantly knows she’s correct. If she was a cartoon character, her heart would’ve been split into two separate pieces by now.
“I am happy with you, “ Yoonchae lies.
Megan laughs as if something is funny about this whole thing. Nothing is. “Don’t lie. You’ve already lied enough to me.”
“It’s because I knew it would’ve made things worse if I told you directly. You would’ve freaked out. My plan was to let you take the hints of how I felt so then–”
“No.” Megan cuts her off. “You clearly don’t know anything about me. You thought of me like that? I thought you knew me better, but I guess I know nothing about you either.”
Yoonchae scowls, “The way you’re acting right now isn't quite helping your case.”
“Oh, okay.” Megan’s words are harsh, “So now I'm in the wrong for being upset? Is that what you’re saying?”
“That’s not what I mean, Megan…”
“Then what is it?! Everything you’ve told me in the past few minutes kind of implies that’s exactly what you mean. So what is it?” Megan takes another step forward so she’s face-to-face with her girlfriend. “Just tell me straight out!”
“I don’t care! I don’t care anymore about us, I acted a certain way just to make you happy, and you fell for it.” Yoonchae yells, and she clenches her fist by her sides. “You fell for the lie.” Her voice goes lower at the last word, as if she’s afraid of the truth finally being slipped out, although it’s already too late.
Yoonchae might as well have just slapped her face, because at least that would’ve hurt Megan less. Megan hears the other four girls come out asking what was going on, then stopping in their tracks when they see the sight in front of them. Of course it’s only now that they heard their arguing. Megan feels her eyes begin to water and she bites her lip to try to stop herself from crying.
“Wait,” Yoonchae says, trying to fix what she just broke, realizing the weight of her words, “Megan, I-I, don’t mean that. I don’t know why I said that.” She reaches for Megan’s arm, “I’m sorry,”
“Shut up,” Megan says angrily as a tear falls down her cheek, “We both know damn well you meant that, and you’re not sorry.” She pushes Yoonchae’s hand away from her.
Yoonchae tries again, “Megan…please don’t do this.”
“Don’t touch me–”
Then she feels herself being pulled back, and when she looks at Yoonchae she sees Manon tugging her by the shoulder. “Get off of me!”
Lara struggles to keep Megan in her grasp, “Megan, quit. Stay still.”
Megan manages to escape from her arms, and points a finger at her face, “You kept it a secret from me, too. Don’t you even dare tell me to–”
“Megan.” Daniela speaks up with so much sympathy in her eyes as she slowly approaches her. She puts her hands on Megan’s shoulders, “Lara didn’t know that Yoonchae was hiding it from you. None of us did.”
Megan turns around to face Yoonchae for confirmation. The guilty look on her face says enough. She chokes back a sob, “You have got to be kidding me.” Then it’s almost like it’s only the two of them in the backyard. They stare at each other as if they’re having a second conversation, but not enough words are spoken.
Megan walks back inside the house silently, then leaves through the front door to head to her car. No one dares to stop her.
-
Yoonchae’s already sitting on the bench when Megan starts walking across the field in the park. Despite all of her attempts to go otherwise, Sophia had practically forced her to go talk to Yoonchae at their usual spot. The last thing Megan wanted to do was talk to Jeong Yoonchae not even 24 hours after that conversation at Lara’s party. In fact, Megan hasn’t checked her phone all day. The only reason why Sophia was able to get in contact with her is because she knocked at her door at ten in the morning.
“I don’t want to see her, and I doubt she wants to see me either.” Megan tried to argue with Sophia.
“I know you don’t, but it’s better to get it out of the way rather than let each other’s words sit in your minds.”
Megan isn’t even quite sure of what Sophia meant by that. She approaches Yoonchae slowly with her hands in her pockets and her hoodie up as if she’s a little kid about to be lectured by her mother. Megan would much rather be yelled at by her mom than anything else right now. Yoonchae is fiddling with her fingers in her lap, a habit that she developed when she first met Megan.
Yoonchae finally looks up when Megan stands in front of her. She has eyebags under her eyes like she hasn’t gotten any sleep. It’s safe to say Megan looks almost identical. She hesitantly sits down beside her but for the first time ever, she leaves a large amount of distance between them.
Megan decides to just rip the bandage off, “So, how long has it been since you lost feelings for me?”
“I haven’t lost feelings for you, Megan.” Yoonchae says softly.
“Then what is it?” Megan asks. “Explain how you haven’t.”
“It’s complicated,” is all she’s able to say.
“Yoonchae, come on. We’ve been together for almost a year. Surely you have some idea of how to tell me.” Megan hitches her breath, “I don’t think you can say anything worse than yesterday, so there’s no point in being cautious.”
“I didn’t mean that.” Yoonchae says desperately, “I only said that in the heat of the moment, Megan. Please.”
Megan looks at her for the first time during this conversation. “Okay then, Yoonchae, then listen to me carefully.”
Yoonchae nods guardedly, scared of what she’s going to say next.
“I love you. I’m sure you’ve noticed that, even though I never said it to your face.” Megan doesn’t even want the answer to her question, but she asks it anyway. “Do you love me?”
“I do,” Yoonchae’s voice wavers.
Megan shakes her head, “I don’t think you do, Yoonchae. You want me, you want to love me, but your feelings for me aren’t strong enough. You won’t ever love me, no matter how much you try to convince yourself.”
And to Megan’s dismay, but not to her surprise, Yoonchae nods sadly.
“Well I’m glad that’s out of the way,” Megan sighs.
“I’m sorry,” Yoonchae apologizes, knowing well enough that it won’t fix anything. “I should’ve told you sooner.”
“There’s no point in saying sorry anymore, the damage is already done.” And then Megan starts to cry again. Yoonchae does as well whenever she realizes that’s what she’s doing.
She reaches out to hold Megan’s hand, and Megan lets her, but she doesn’t squeeze her hand back like she always has in the past. They cry together about each other, because they both know they cannot do anything to save them. Megan knows she will never be enough for Yoonchae. Yoonchae knows Megan will still try to hold on for the smallest amount of hope.
Megan stands up and Yoonchae lets go of her. “I’ll see you at our graduation ceremony.” Then she walks away with tears still in her eyes. She doesn’t dare to turn around, because she knows Yoonchae is still crying.
Megan knows that there’s no point in staying together, but she can’t stand the thought of ending things herself. And someday she knows Yoonchae will finally come to her senses and leave Megan alone with all of her questions lingering in her mind. Megan knows that she’ll never be Yoonchae’s, but she’ll always be hers.