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Lava doesn’t fall asleep immediately.
Even after Wave’s sobbing has quieted down and his breathing has evened out enough for Lava to know the man is asleep. He feels Wave’s chest rise and fall where his hands are still wrapped around him, Wave's own hands desperately clinging on still, and he thinks that at any other time the steadiness of the rhythm would have lulled him right to sleep as well, but, you know, he’s not sleeping. Clearly.
Which is really weird for him. God knows how much he appreciates his sleep. Back in Bangkok, he remembers the going out. Remembers the fun he had with his friends- dancing, drinking, eyeing handsome guys from across the dance floor and fighting someone if it really had to come to it. But more than that, he remembers coming home, room spinning as he throws himself on his bed, and just closing his eyes to then sleep until noon of the next day.
Point being, Lava loves to sleep. He’s good at it too- could sleep absolutely anywhere if he really wanted to- and had learned to appreciate it more lately with the way his uncle has him getting up at the fucking crack of dawn every day just to sit in a boat for too long.
But Lava is not sleeping now. Quite the opposite actually. He hasn’t felt this awake in quite a while, which- to be fair- isn’t that hard. He has been really tired since he arrived at the island (which- again- has everything to do with his stupid uncle and his stupid need to be productive for entire days. Every. Fucking. Day. Lava wonders what hurt him so much that he had to become this person.)
Wave moves in his arms and presses closer. His heartbeat is steady where Lava's hand is splayed across his chest, so he isn't really worried that Wave is waking up, but he stills himself anyway, just to make sure. Wave mutters something incomprehensible but doesn't move again, and Lava lets himself breathe.
Like this, Wave's a different person. Lava doesn't know this version of him that actually looks at peace and not perpetually annoyed at him for not abiding by his every wish or scared out of his fucking mind. This version seems younger when all the fear isn't visible. And kinder. And Lava thinks this might be the version everyone else gets to see. Like this, Lava isn't scared to really look at him. He sits up a bit so he can stare down at Wave properly and tries to see him in the dark. He knows the chances of Wave ever letting him this close again are slim to nonexistent, which is why he's paying such close attention. Not because he actually cares about the guy or finds himself so mesmerised by his beauty that he can't look away. No way! But, well, he can't lie to himself and say that Wave isn't pretty.
Look, Lava is just a guy. A very gay guy with eyes, so he knows what he's talking about. The guy is objectively very beautiful, but that doesn't need to mean anything!
Lava lies back down with a slight sigh, and Wave snuggles closer again. Some of his fingers interlock with Lava's in his sleep and tighten a bit. The pressure has a weirdly calming effect.
He can savour this moment, Lava decides. Maybe he'll regret that in the morning, but it's nice to feel wanted again.
It's been a while since he has been. Actually, he can't remember the last time he could tell for sure that the people around him didn't want him to leave. It's probably been since his dad, hasn't it?
Lava really misses his dad is the thing. It's as much a part of him as his occasional rudeness, stubbornness or cowardice is. The sky is blue, the grass is green and these are all facts about who he is as a person. He misses him so much and every day his dad is always on his mind like a ghost, haunting the place.
So he knows- better than everyone else probably- the kindness his Uncle had been talking about earlier. And he got it, really. He knows how unconditionally and selflessly kind his father was because he experienced it every day of his life before he died and he knows how unlike his father he is because he knows he can get mean sometimes, or rude, or stubborn, and he rarely does anything without wanting anything from it in return. He knows, okay? God, does he know it. He's been told. Over and over. Lava will never, ever be like his dad, but no one else could be either and Lava just really fucking misses him.
It still stings, Uncle Peng mentioning him, not because of what he said per se. More so because of what he implied, like he could ever be as kind as his father had been when he only ever welcomed Lava because his mom had forced him to. What a fucking hypocrite.
The loneliness must've started with that death then.
He's ashamed to admit that he used to think of both his parents as his best friends. Sure, he had other friends his age but Lava was never good at making connections that were deep and actually long-lasting and his parents got him in a way no one else did. Their parental instinct used to scare him so much because of how accurate it always was.
But then his dad died. And the image he had of his mom as well. Those instincts clearly needed the energy of two parents together because that disappeared all together.
Even before she found her new family, before she found new love and all that shit, Lava could feel his connection with his mom shattering, piece by piece. He knows the best friend thing was never really reciprocated by her, she was always just his mom and he honestly never felt bad about that. It's normal even and she never could've known about it because he had also never talked about it out loud. but he had hoped his mom would miraculously know him again and figure this out anyway.
There were certain points after the funeral when his mother distanced herself- emotionally, physically, you name it- and the more she did that, the less she walked the distance back afterwards until she was so far away Lava couldn't reach her anymore.
He wonders if the claw marks he left on her soul are still there, like festering wounds. If she can feel where he used to hang onto her with everything he had within him until the new family came along and completely ruined his illusion that she could ever love him like she had before. He hopes it haunts her. He hopes she misses him.
But her absence paired with the fact Lava only really had surface level friends? Yeah, he would never admit this out loud but he was lonely. Lava wanted his parents back, more than anything. But at this point he would've taken any person that was willing to just let him stay and wouldn't leave in return. He had tried everything to make that happen but the hookups just made him feel even more empty afterwards. They were just other people that left him at the end of the day. Always.
He looks contemplatively at the back of Wave's neck for a second. Can he count this? As someone wanting him to stay? Wave had asked him to lie next to him. Wave had asked him to hug him. Wave had cried to him. Not to Tum. Not to uncle Peng. Lava.
Quickly he presses down the warmth he feels at the thought. Sure, it's nice to be needed. Really nice. But the circumstances are not. Lava will not be the bad person here and abuse others' emotional crack-ups for his own personal gain. Even if it is Wave.
Wave starts to move again but this time he rolls over as the pressure of his hand gripping Lava's goes away and he's facing Lava. They're suddenly so close that Lava can smell the marijuana on Wave's breath and the salt of his light summer sweat on his skin. The thought hits him then that he wouldn't mind kissing him.
He panics a bit at this and tries to blame it on the herbals in his own system messing with his brain or whatever, but he's never been the type to lose his mind because of that shit. And, honestly, without plausible excuses the panic returns twice as hard, so he tries to repress the thought back to a vault in some dark corner of his mind. He almost feels disgusted with himself because really? Wave of all people?
Air hits his face as Wave lets out a bigger exhale and sinks more into the mattress underneath him and it's so warm that suddenly Lava freezes.
The air is warm. Wave's arms around him are warm. And his legs too where they are tangled with Lava's. Just his mere presence makes Lava feel so incredibly warm. This proof that someone is here, physically and willingly laying next to him. Someone is here.
Someone is here.
Oh.
Fuck it.
Lava breaks open the metaphorical vault in this metaphorical dark corner of his mind and rips the thought right back out. He does want to kiss Wave. Sue him!
Would Wave even notice if Lava did that? Would he wake up as he leaned forward- slowly, softly- to taste the warmth on his lips? As he barely grazes his lips against the other's just to feel them trembling. Would he wake up then? Would he let him continue until the graze was a deeper press that was still so, so soft because that was what they both needed now? Until his tongue found the warm caverns of his mouth. Until they were pressing against each other completely so that Lava could feel that warmth spread through his body. Until, until-
Lava feels himself getting closer, teetering at the edge of this idea and the more he thinks of it, the more it feels like he actually could do it.
He must've been getting physically closer as well because he suddenly feels the soft strands of Wave's hair brush against his own forehead and it effectively shakes him out of his own consciousness enough for him to lean back with a trembling exhale and close his eyes so he doesn't do anything unethical like kissing a guy that's very much asleep. Closing his eyes works a little bit but Wave's warmth is still all-encompassing. A never-ending reminder of shit Lava doesn't want to think about.
Tomorrow, Wave will wake up and push Lava away. This is something he knows to be certain. But he still thinks of waking up with Wave in his arms, awake but not leaving. And they won't say anything but they'd both know what this is for. Wave feels lonely without his memories but Lava hopes that this can make it clear that he feels alone with his as well. They could be together in that.
Tomorrow, Lava will wake up with a mind that isn't halfway asleep and still reeling from having to be emotional. He too will probably look back at tonight's thoughts and realise how weird he had been.
But that's tomorrow.
And it's with that- the fantasies of waking up next to a warm body and said warm body pressing against him like some sort of proof- that Lava is finally able to fall asleep.