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If teasing was one of the five love languages, Buck would say the 118 resonated with that the most.
Any missed punchline to a joke, any accidental tumble on a scene, an illtimed voice crack or a weak attempt to hide a blush from a mystery text received… the 118 pounced on the opportunity to tease.
For the most part it was spread out evenly amongst the crew with the scales tilting in the direction of someone who was being particularly embarrassing. Chimney’s stint with trying different facial hairs, Eddie’s attempt to land the perfect dad joke, Bobby’s mortifying shift trying to stealthily sext his wife… All of those landed that individual a heap of laughs and light-hearted mockery.
So Buck knew, logically, the teasing was all in the name of love but he couldn’t help but notice the crew seemed to love targeting him the most.
If it wasn’t a dozen photos of him with drool on his cheek as he dozed off in random spots around the station, it was the imitation of the way a simple sudoku could make him storm out of a room. If it wasn’t the gentle scolding eating strawberries with his breakfast when he knew they made his tongue itch, it was the billion nicknames to point out his freakishly long legs that made him always knock into things.
But the absolute incessant, relentless ribbing for how goddamn clumsy he was had to take the cake.
He liked to believe the clumsiness was in line with his tallness, that because his hands, legs, feet and all around build were so much larger, it was inevitable he would trip over his own two feet or fumble nearly everything he tried to carry. But that belief was consistently proven wrong because his best friend was a tall guy too, yet where Evan Buckley could trip over the smoothest of flooring, Eddie Diaz was as graceful as a dancer.
“It’s not that you’re clumsy,” Eddie explained gently. It had been a day to say the least. Not only had Buck knocked over the mop bucket and dropped a whole spoonful of chili down his front during lunch, he also walked face first into the engine door leaving him with a gushing bloody nose. It was as Eddie helped clean the blood off his face that he lamented about how annoyed he was in his clumsiness.
“You’re just too lost in your head,” his best friend added. “You have a million thoughts going on up here that you forget you need to focus on your safety.”
“I’m a literal firefighter,” Buck argued, letting some annoyance seep into his voice. “Safety is kinda my thing.”
“It is. And that’s why you’re the best of the best when you’re in the field. You care about what you’re doing so you give it all of your focus.”
“So you think I don’t care about, you know, not smashing my nose into a door?”
He hissed as Eddie wiped at a particularly tender spot on said nose.
“Seemed like you cared more about telling us how cranes are made to build skyscrapers than not smashing your face in the door, but what do I know?”
Frustration boiled inside of him. A nearly broken nose all to spew facts on something he’s sure no one on his team was listening to? Why did he do shit like that? If he could just learn to keep his mind off and his mouth shut he would never get himself into these literal messes, leaving people like Eddie and his sister to clean them up.
“I wish I wasn’t like this,” he whined, mostly to himself, thinking Eddie would playfully agree. Instead Buck was met with a flick to his forehead.
“Don’t say that. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.” There was a brief pause before Eddie added, “Actually, I’d change your sharp elbows. I could do without taking one of those to the gut again.”
Buck knew his friend was trying to be funny but his own self hatred was too intense for him to be rational at the moment. Knowing that Eddie hated any part of him was too much, even something as ridiculous as his elbows…
“I don’t do it on purpose,” Buck could only whisper.
“Hey,” Eddie said gently, tilting Buck’s face up by the chin until their gazes locked. “I know you don’t. And since we can’t change the fact that you have the world's most lethal elbows, I’ll gladly keep on dealing with them. Because I like you that much.”
It was the sincerity in Eddie’s eyes that helped the negative thoughts fade away. Buck genuinely wondered how he’d gotten so lucky to call this man his best friend. He knew Eddie was a naturally friendly guy who most people got along with but he didn’t think most people got to experience this side of Eddie, the one who went above and beyond to take care of a friend. The version of Eddie who made Buck feel seen and understood and special… like he truly saw into the core of Buck’s very being and still thought he was worth taking up time and space.
And not for the first time, Buck wondered what it would feel like to be loved by Eddie romantically if this was how he cared for a best friend, if his words would be even softer, his touch even gentler, and his smile even warmer.
But those were thoughts Buck kept locked away in his heart and mind–and probably the only thing in his life he was careful enough to not spill.
If he had to keep a written record of all his clumsy mistakes, he’d probably run out of paper and also likely die from a thousand paper cuts while he was at it. He was convinced at this point that there wasn’t a single thing he could actually do without a hiccup or two.
Like now, he hadn’t even been able to handle keeping his phone in his own hand correctly and was fumbling to send an apology text to Hen when a text from her came in.
HEN: Dude
She probably hadn’t meant it to sound judgemental but he felt chagrined all the same because sitting there in the middle of their text was one of many accidental voice messages he’d sent to her.
It would be one thing if these messages were just silence but it was a whole other level of embarrassing to know that the ones he sent consisted of the incoherent ramblings of a man talking to himself as Buck tended to do when he was alone. He pressed play to see what the damage was on this one.
“Tomato, tomato, just one tomato… wait is it the 12th? Did I pay my phone bill? Where’s my–oh no that’s tomorrow. Groceries. What was I? Uh… dammit. I just told myself what I needed. I was texting Hen and she said they were… oh shi–”
It wasn’t the worst but it was still annoying as hell. Especially because he knew everyone who got them probably thought he was an idiot or, at the very least, laughed at him for it.
BUCK: SORRY
HEN: How do you even manage to do this so much? I’ve never sent an accidental voice message in my life but I get like a dozen from you a day.
BUCK: I wish I knew
HEN: Klutz
He frowned down at the message. He knew that she was just playfully teasing him and that this wasn’t even a big deal, yet his brain couldn’t let him off the hook.
When would he grow out of this?
Could he ever just be an adult and stop messing so many things up? Was that too much to ask?
There were a slew of mixed up messages, accidental voice recordings, and other random things he’d sent to his friends and family over the years, only increasing in volume when he’d ordered the newest iPhone in the smaller size by accident. But accidental recordings were really the least of his concerns. It was the hazards he posed to himself when he was off the clock that really struck a nerve with him.
A few days later they were wrapping up a call, one that had taken more focus and energy than they’d had to give in a long time. Buck had been locked in the whole time, finally feeling like he was in control over his own limbs.
Yet when they got back to the station, where Maxwell had been man behind because he sounded like he was getting sick, Buck tripped over the edge of the carpet and landed right in the direct path of the sick man’s sneeze attack.
It was like a scene from a comedy.
Not even thirty minutes before he’d been praised from Bobby for how well Buck had worked through the situation they’d been in yet here Buck was on the ground with another person’s snot on his face. His friends were cracking up but Buck felt simmering rage at himself for this never ending clumsiness.
“Come on, let’s go disinfect you,” Eddie said as he shuffled Buck along towards the showers.
Buck took his sweet time under the warm water of the shower knowing when he walked back into the station he’d only be met with laughter and the team recounting exactly how he looked as he took sneeze after sneeze to the face.
All he had to do was look down at his feet and he wouldn’t have tripped. But had he been looking at his feet he probably would’ve smacked his head on the beam above the stairs that was hung far too low–honestly it was a worksite hazard.
He wanted to cry.
It was always him.
The perpetual butt of all jokes.
Not wanting to deal with any more teasing, Buck decided he’d hide out in the bunk room until they got another call or someone came looking for him.
He should’ve known, however, that his best friend would already be waiting.
He didn’t say anything when he walked in and Eddie must’ve been able to tell that Buck wasn’t up for talking yet because he said nothing as Buck tossed his dirty clothes and towel into the hamper. He decided to lie down on the closest bed, the one Eddie typically chose, since Eddie was sitting on the edge of Buck’s bed of choice.
He figured he’d stare at the ceiling for a while until Eddie asked him what was wrong or got bored and left him alone with his thoughts but five minutes into the silence, Buck inevitably gave in.
“Does it ever annoy you?” He asked, not bothering to look over at the other man.
“Does what, ever annoy me?”
“All the things I do… the butt dialing, tripping into things, spilling stuff all the time… you know, just all the clumsy shit I do?”
“Nope,” Eddie answered without pause. “I find it kind of amusing.”
Amusing. Just the word Buck wanted to hear.
“Who doesn’t love to laugh at me?” He scoffed.
“It’s not laughing at you,” Eddie insisted.
“Right. So I just imagined the finger pointing and full bodied laughs happening up there just now?”
“No you didn’t,” Eddie conceded. “But no one was laughing at you, we were laughing at the situation.”
“The situation being: me embarrassing myself yet again.”
“No, Buck…” the other man sighed. “It’s just ironic watching you climb ten flights of stairs in a matter of minutes without missing a stride but tripping on flat ground the second you’re off duty. Or watching you spend hours helping Bobby in the kitchen making his most complicated recipes with no problem but then dropping it down your shirt the second you go to take a bite.” Finally Eddie added, “you’re just… you’re amusing, like I said.”
Buck worked so damn hard for so many years trying to get his family to take him seriously, trying to get Bobby and Athena and his parents and even sometimes his sister to take him seriously. No matter how hard he tried he still felt like he was coming up short, like he was a perpetual Peter Pan in their eyes who could never grow up.
“I think pathetic is a better word,” He huffed, running his hands down his face.
“Buck,” Eddie called out gruffly and Buck heard the command in it. He knew Eddie would wait him out until he looked over at the man so he turned his head in defeat making eye contact. “No one thinks you’re pathetic. We think you’re clumsy but in an endearing way because it makes you, you. And we all kinda love you.”
“Kinda?”
He tried to keep the annoyance in his voice but with Eddie’s kind eyes and sweet words he already felt himself beginning to fold.
His best friend smiled.
“Depends on the day.”
“How about today?” Buck asked, fishing.
“Since you’re now snot free, a little more than average.”
“Eddie!”
His best friend’s laugh was contagious. It was Buck’s favorite sound in the world.
Having a best friend like Eddie was a gift. To have someone who could take him from the dark and twisty thoughts in his mind to fully body laughing was something Buck would never take for granted. He didn’t know if he gave the same in return–if his friendship for Eddie was the same beacon of light it was for Buck but he liked to believe it was.
Once their giggles slowed down and they were left in the quiet of the room, Buck looked over to his best friend, all his earlier pain and embarrassment wiped away, leaving Buck smiling a smile only Eddie could pull out of him. Despite the dimness of the room, Buck could tell Eddie’s cheeks were flushed red from laughter but where he expected to see glistening, delighted eyes, he was met with an unusually intense gaze.
“You know you’re my favorite person on any day, right?” Eddie asked, and Buck’s breath caught in his chest. “Even snot covered, with a bloody nose, or pouting on my bed.”
That pulled another laugh out of Buck despite the sudden emotions he felt hearing Eddie say something so nice, nearly out of the blue. How did he stand a chance not falling in love with the man when he knew exactly the words that could make Buck’s day? How could Buck not want to spend the entire rest of his life trying to make Eddie feel as loved and appreciated as he made Buck feel with his endlessly kind words?
One day, Eddie Diaz would make someone the happiest person in the universe. He claimed he wasn’t ready for dating yet but when that day did come and Eddie found his person, Buck knew he would love them with a ferocity that would be unmatched. And when that day came, because it would inevitably come, Buck hopefully will have figured out how to squash down all these feelings into a little box to store away for the rest of eternity. But for now he was selfish with the time he had left and would bask in every ounce of Eddie’s affection while he still could.
“I’m not pouting,” Buck pouted, successfully pulling another laugh from the other man as intended.
Eddie was still smiling as he pulled himself up off the bed.
“Keep telling yourself that,” he teased, patting Buck’s leg as he walked by, heading towards the door. “Come on, I think Bobby’s cooking something special for you.”
His hand was outstretched like he was waiting for Buck to take it and how could Buck do anything else but follow?
It was inevitable that he got sick from the incident with Maxwell and now he was out of work until he was no longer contagious.
It had already been two days but despite his protests to Bobby on the phone, he wasn’t actually feeling one hundred percent. He was mostly achy and tired and completely bone weary exhausted despite getting more sleep in the past few days than he usually did in a week.
Like most days when he was sick, Buck felt absolutely unable to get comfortable. It wasn’t the achiness or the fact that he kept running too hot or cold, it was the need deep inside him to be held or have someone rub his back while he didn’t feel good. But he learned a long time ago that wasn’t a luxury he got to have.
Instead, being sick growing up had meant being scolded for whining and complaining, then being herded to his room and told to sleep all day, even when he wasn’t tired. He can remember how much he’d whine for his mom to just hold him–sometimes she’d give in and he would feel the briefest moment of affection from her–but more often than not she would look at him and tell him to stop being so difficult when other kids had it worse. He’d go back to his room and curl up in his bed, trying not to cry but feeling too miserable to stop.
Usually Maddie would check in on him, bringing him cool towels to sooth his fevers, rubbing his back or running her fingers through his hair until he fell asleep. But sometimes their parents would come in and tell her that she would get sick and she should leave Buck to handle it himself. She’d leave but would sneak back in throughout the night, when their parents were asleep, to check on him.
He wished he could say he grew out of the neediness, the constant yearning to have someone comfort him. To no longer feel so much longing to have someone hold him when he felt his absolute worst. To not care if he’d get them sick because they just wanted to make him feel safe and comfortable.
But he had learned to not be needy, to not ask for anything from anyone when he was sick, even if he wanted it. Soup made from Bobby? No, he already ordered some and it was on the way. A pack of cough drops? Thanks Hen, but he was good, he stocked up a while ago. Some movies to watch? No Chim, he had Netflix for a reason. Some company? No, Maddie, that would just get you sick.
At least Buck didn’t have to come up with an excuse for Ravi, seeing as the kid only text a curt feel better probably because he was the only person in the group chat that hadn’t said anything and didn’t want to be called out on it.
Part of him hoped none of them would listen and would come over anyway but the stronger, louder part of him didn’t want them to see him like this–didn’t want them to realize just how needy and whiney he could be. He could only imagine the teasing that would come from that. How they’d probably find a million different ways to call Buck a big baby… no. He wasn’t going to give them the chance.
“Get it together, Buckley,” he scolded himself. “You have a cold, you’re not dying. You don’t need anyone to come take care of you like a toddler.”
He scoffed at himself, thinking of his niece and how she was probably even less needy than him when sick. He didn’t let himself consider the fact that she wasn’t this needy because she had parents who actually fulfilled her needs and didn’t let her cry herself to sleep from loneliness. Jee had Maddie for a mom, so there was no way she’d ever feel anything less than loved and cared for.
He wished he was still a kid so he could curl up against his sister and soak in her comfort, but he was a grown man and he could handle a simple cold.
He fluffed his pillows for the hundredth time and adjusted them into a precarious stack, trying to make them wrap around him in a way that felt like someone was holding him. It wasn’t the same, but he was sick and tired enough that his mind let him pretend he wasn’t alone. At first he thought of his sister running her fingers through his hair like she used to when he was little, but then his imagination wandered and he was in Eddie’s arms, those deft fingers trailing down his spine, his spicy scent filling Buck up with a sense of calm. In Eddie’s arms, Buck would never feel alone because Eddie would say the sweetest things–he’d tell Buck how good he was, how beautiful Eddie thought he was, how much he loved him. In Eddie’s arms, Buck would have everything he could ever need.
But he wasn’t in Eddie’s arms and it would only ever be a dream.
That realization, compounded by the way he already felt like trash, turned into a long, much needed cry. Would he always be alone like this? Would he ever have someone who he could fall into their arms and be held and loved and safe? Would he ever stop being the butt of every joke, the cautionary tale of dating, the forever third wheel?
His phone chimed somewhere in his sheets and it took an ungodly amount of effort to find it, but when he did, Eddie’s name on the screen made his heart ache in the most bittersweet way.
Eddie: How’re you feeling?
Eddie: Need anything?
It was their private chat so he thought about being honest but knew Eddie’s sense of duty would make him feel obligated to come over, even if he didn’t want to, likely getting himself sick in the process. And Buck couldn’t let him do that. Not for a stupid cold.
Buck: Nope! All good!
He cringed at the lie, but what could he do? Allow Eddie to come over and see Buck this pathetic? No.
Frustrated with himself, he flopped onto his back, his phone dropping clumsily on his bare chest as he stared up at his dusty ceiling fan and forced it to listen to him lament his inner turmoil.
“Except I’m not because I feel like shit and what I really need is for you to come over and hold me. But can I say that? No. Because that's not what best friends say to each other. So I’ll just lie like I always do instead of saying that I’m in love with you and want you to come over so I can be as needy and mopey as I want because I don’t feel good!”
He dragged his hands down his face and sighed, only feeling slightly better for getting that off his chest even if he only had himself to listen.
He picked up his phone to check if Eddie had sent anything in return and noticed a long red audio line strolling across the screen and a number counting up as the seconds continued to pass by.
“Shit! No no no no. Sto–”
His heart fell into his stomach when he realized he’d recorded all of that and in his panic his thumb had slipped and he’d sent that entire voice message.
He tried to unsend it but was convinced the tech gods hated him when the option wasn’t there.
In a frenzy he typed:
Buck: DONT LISTEN TO THAT
Buck: DELLETE THATTIGHTNOW
Buck: eddie pls
Buck: it was an accident its nothing just delete it
Buck: did u delete it
Buck: tell me when u deleted it
Buck: eddie?
Buck: eddie pls tell me u deleted it pls
All he got in acknowledgement was his message being marked Read: 2:24 PM
His heart was thundering in his chest. This couldn’t be happening.
The one thing, the one thing he promised he’d never let slip and now Eddie knew and Buck had ruined everything.
He didn’t doubt that Eddie would be a good sport about it or give him some sort of out. Buck could already imagine him saying that it wasn’t even a big deal or that it had just been the cold medicine talking. And they would try to go back to normal but it would always be there, lingering, festering until it was something they could no longer ignore. Eddie would start to second guess every interaction, he’d start to wonder if Buck was trying to come onto him and it would make him uncomfortable and he’d pull away and then Buck would lose him.
He’d lose him.
He’d lose Eddie and then he’d lose Christopher and his heart would be shattered.
Stupid.
He was so fucking stupid.
Why couldn’t he stop fucking everything up? Why could he not be normal?
Why couldn’t his heart be happy with having a best friend and not make it something more?
Why did he have to fall completely in love with the one person he could never, would never have?
How would he fix this?
He tried calling Eddie, unsure what he’d even say but he had to try something. Only, Eddie didn’t answer. Not after one, three… five calls.
He couldn’t fight the tears, even if he wanted to. How long would it be until Eddie could talk to him again? How long would Buck have to pay for this stupid, clumsy accident?
He didn’t know how long he spiraled but eventually when the tears had dried on his cheeks and his energy had been truly zapped, he heard the click of his deadbolt unlocking followed by the sound of keys jingling as the door swung open.
He swiped at his eyes, knowing if his sister saw him like this she’d fret and make him talk about it and that wasn’t something he could do just yet.
“Maddie, I thought I told you to st–,” he started to call out but stopped when he heard the unmistakable sound of crutches hitting his floors downstairs.
He got up from the bed slowly, his aching joints protesting after being in bed for so long. From the top of the stairs he could look down and see his best friend whispering something to Chris who then looked up at Buck and asked, “are you feeling better yet?”
“Not yet, buddy,” Buck answered, his voice sounding as wobbly as he felt.
He couldn’t look at Eddie yet, couldn’t look into those deep brown eyes and try to decipher just how much he ruined between them. Not yet.
With an obnoxious amount of effort, he made his way downstairs and offered both of them something to eat or drink but was ushered to sit down when he swayed a little where he stood.
“Wait here,” Eddie commanded gently, before making up a few snack plates and helping Chris get set up with Buck’s xbox in the living room.
Buck choked down the crackers he was given, a few slices of apple, some more cold meds and a cup of water under Eddie’s watchful eye, neither of them saying anything about the elephant in the room. It wasn’t until he’d eaten all he could stomach and Eddie had cleared away their plates that Buck finally looked up at his best friend.
Eddie’s eyes were as warm as ever, looking at Buck like he couldn’t be happier to see him, like Buck hadn’t just ruined years of friendship with one swipe of his thumb.
“You didn’t delete it,” Buck whispered into the space between them.
“I didn’t.”
“Did you listen to it?”
Eddie nodded and tears welled in Buck’s eyes making everything a little blurry.
He didn’t know what was happening, he wasn’t sure if Eddie was here to let him down gently or make all of Buck’s dreams come true–hell, he didn’t know if he was actually dreaming up some hallucination version of Eddie who could look at him like this, like Buck was something special. All Buck knew was that Eddie had heard how he felt and was standing here in his kitchen with a soft look on his face and Buck still felt like absolute shit from this cold and he was about to cry.
“Did you mean it?” Eddie asked and it almost sounded hopeful? But Buck couldn’t let his sick, addled mind run things anymore.
Buck’s bottom lip trembled. “Does it matter?”
That made Eddie sigh and take a few steps closer to where Buck was seated at the kitchen island.
“Yeah it matters, because it determines what I do next. Either you didn’t mean it and I go grab my kid and take him back home and pretend this was me just checking in on you or you did mean it and I grab your hand and take you upstairs and hold you as long as you need. So I’d say it matters a lot.”
He had to be dreaming. He had to be imagining those words in a fit of delirium because there was no way Eddie heard Buck’s confession and raced over here to hold him. Evan Buckley wasn’t that lucky.
But–if this was real… if Buck got to have this? He wasn’t about to let it go, not for anything in the world.
“I meant it,” he promised, already reaching out to Eddie whose hand immediately found a place in his.
“I hoped that’s what you’d say.”
Eddie carefully pulled him to his feet, his arm wrapping around Buck’s waist, and because the universe liked to be funny, Buck immediately fell into a small sneezing fit. He tried to pull away and turn the sneezes away from Eddie, but Eddie didn’t let him get far, wiping the tears and snot away with a tissue he’d somehow manifested out of thin air.
“You should go home,” Buck said sadly. “We can… we can wait for another time. I’m gonna get you sick.” He didn’t want Eddie to leave but he didn’t want him to get sick either. But Eddie wasn’t having it.
“Buck, I’ve been waiting way too long for this to care if you’re sick or not. I just want to hold you.”
And wasn’t that the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard?
With a nod he let Eddie lead them up the stairs. Once in the loft, Eddie had Buck wait as he stripped down the bed and changed it for fresh sheets and blankets. Then Eddie crawled into it, settled down, and beckoned Buck into his waiting arms.
It was better than Buck’s imagination could ever dream up. Eddie’s arms were firm around him, holding onto Buck like he was afraid Buck would change his mind, but that would never happen. Buck snuggled in as close as he could, his arms wrapped around Eddie’s torso and his nose pressed into the fabric of the other man’s shirt. He sighed contentedly. This was bliss. It didn’t matter that his head was still sort of throbbing or that he couldn’t quite breathe out of his left nostril because he was in Eddie’s arms and Eddie wanted him to be there.
“I’m gonna drool on you,” Buck noted, ever the romantic but Eddie still kissed the top of his head in response.
“That would be an honor.”
Without asking, Eddie started to rub soothing patterns down Buck’s back and the effects were immediate. Buck’s leaden eyes fluttered shut and he sank further into his best friend’s arms until he couldn’t tell where he ended and Eddie began.
“Buck?”
“Hmm?” He breathed, barely holding on to consciousness but he was awake enough to hear Eddie’s next words.
“I love you. So much. And I want you to be as needy and mopey with me as you want because I like taking care of you. I like being close to you. I love holding you like this. I’m–I’m greedy when it comes to you. You could never be too much, not to me.”
Buck wanted to say that Eddie had the most romantic words and was the best thing that had ever happened to him, that Buck was going to love him until the end of time and still find a way to keep loving him. He wanted to say that being in Eddie’s arms was the safest he’d ever felt in his life and he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of their lives holding each other. He tried to make his lips form the words to say all that but all he could muster in his cold medicine induced haze was a simple, “love you.”
And Buck just knew Eddie heard the rest without having to say it. They were in sync like that.
He fell asleep to the sound of Eddie’s heart beating for him and for the first time ever, his dreams paled in comparison to his reality.
A few days later, Eddie caught what Buck had, followed by Chris. And when Buck spilled an entire bowl of chicken noodle soup bringing it to the couch, he didn’t even think to be embarrassed, not when he was treated to kisses and hugs and a life with his favorite people in the world.