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The pain was nearly unbearable. He hadn’t been badly injured this month, thank Merlin, but it always hurt regardless. Remus curled further into himself, shuddering with cold. The floor of the shrieking shack was hard and unforgiving, and the thin blanket they had snuck in barely warmed him. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the deep aching. It was everywhere – in his head, in his bones, in his soul.
He never told the others, but the after was the worst part. He could make it through the transformation. He could manage the blackout when the wolf took control. He’d learned to live with it years ago. But coming back to himself – he never quite understood how to pull himself through that. Month after month he lay there, wondering what horrors he had committed and discovering new scars. His head felt as if it was splitting; his skin stretched too tight over his skin like it wasn’t his anymore. He wanted to drag his nails through it – scratch at it until he was free of it. These were the moments when his mind succumbed to its darkest depths.
Maybe he deserved this.
Maybe he wished the wolf would just kill him.
He felt his eyes dampen and forced himself to focus on breathing. Breathing was safer than thinking.
“Moons?” Sirius’ voice was full of concern. It only made the dagger in Remus’ chest twist.
He felt Sirius’ hand on his shoulder and shivered at the contact. He had never grown quite used to Sirius’ touch. It always sent ripples through his heart.
“Merlin, Moony, you’re icy.”
When Remus heard shuffling he opened his eyes. Sirius was standing over him, pulling his shirt off his shoulders. His sweater lay discarded on the floor. Remus’ heart nearly stopped.
“Wh-what are you doing?” It even hurt to speak.
Mirth danced around Sirius’ mouth, but his eyes were uncertain. “Someone has to warm you up.”
He was a vision standing there, his hair wild and his pale eyes bright against the dark of the last moments before dawn. Remus had seen him shirtless before, of course, but this felt different. He couldn’t help but trace the lines of his chest, the curve of his bicep. His mouth went dry. He was suddenly very aware that his blanket was the only thing he had to cover his body.
Despite himself, he nodded up at Sirius. Sirius’ shoulders sagged in relief and he crouched down, pulling at the edge of the blanket. Remus’ eyes widened. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but it wasn’t this. He shifted, offering him more of the blanket as Sirius laid down next to him.
“I don’t… I don’t think Claire would like this.” Remus’ voice came out small and uncertain. Every one of his nerves was on edge with Sirius this close to him. He could see the flecks of blue in his silver eyes. He could make out each individual crease in his lips. He forced his eyes away from Sirius’ mouth.
“We broke up. A couple of weeks ago.” Sirius’ voice was quiet as well.
Remus both loved and loathed the feeling that they were sharing something secret here. Something intimate and sacred. It was thrilling and terrifying. Satisfying and painful.
“Oh.”
“Remus, come here. I’m not doing you any good so far away.”
Remus started at Sirius’ touch on his bare waist. His hand was warm and gentle and sent fire through Remus’ veins.
Sirius pulled away. “Sorry- is this ok?”
“Yeah.” Remus could only manage a whisper. “Sorry.”
Sirius’ hands were on his again, drawing him in. Remus was grateful for the cold. Grateful that Sirius wouldn’t know his shivers had nothing to do with it. Sirius pulled him against his chest and wrapped the blanket more securely around the two of them. Remus stiffened for a moment before resting his head on Sirius’ chest. His skin was smooth and warm and everything Remus had ever dreamed of. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been held like this. He’d craved human contact for so many years, cataloging every one of Sirius’ touches. Every brush of skin. And now he was surrounded by him. Pressed against him like a lover. It was almost too much. Remus was hyperaware of each place their skin met. His breaths came in shallow, mechanical gulps.
Sirius’s hands slid up and down Remus’ back in slow lines, tracing the line of his spine almost reverently. Remus trembled at his touch, clinging to him like his life depended on it. Sirius’ waist was soft under his fingers. His mind fogged at the curve of Sirius’ muscles on his skin. He wasn’t cold anymore. He was warmed through, all the way to his heart. He felt light-headed and dream-like. He shut his eyes against the pounding of his heart, praying Sirius couldn’t feel it.
He never imagined he’d get to hold Sirius like this.
“Was it a bad one?” Sirius whispered into his hair, his voice careful and kind.
“No. But there’s never a good one, either.”
Sirius’ arms tightened around him. “I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I wish I could take it from you.”
Remus let himself imagine the two of them in a different context. Wrapped up in each other like this, swapping sweet words, but something more than they were. He imagined being able to tell Sirius that he had owned his heart for years, that he’d die for him. He let himself imagine, just for a second, Sirius saying he loved him too.
“I would never let you do that for me. I’d… I’d do anything to keep pain from you.” He murmured, glad Sirius couldn’t see his face.
He heard Sirius’ breath catch. He was silent for a moment. “You’ve seen me at my worst, Remus. You’re one of the only people who hasn’t thought less of me for it.”
“I could never think less of you.”
______________________________________________________________________
Things… changed after that night. That was the only way Remus knew how to explain it. Sirius changed after that night. He hovered by his side for three days in the hospital room, appearing with a new bar of chocolate every morning. He shot glances at Remus from across classrooms, eyes crinkled with a secret joke.
“That’s my favorite of your sweaters, you know.” He said it like a footnote.
“Oh.”
The words rang in Remus’ head all day.
His hand brushed Remus’ as they walked through the halls. Their legs pressed together under the table in the great hall. He’d fix Remus’ tie, and straighten his collar. His hand rested on Remus’ knee while they talked.
Once, Remus was reading in the common room when Sirius fell onto the couch beside him, resting his head in Remus’ lap and forcing him to discard his book. Sirius proceeded to tell some mundane story like this was any ordinary day. Remus blinked down at him, his heart stuttering and struggling for purchase.
He’d find Remus in the library and just sit next to him. He wouldn’t say a word. He even brought his textbooks with him and once an essay. Remus eyed him suspiciously the first couple of times this happened but soon settled into a comfortable rhythm. They’d sit like that for hours, until Sirius would fall onto his book, looking up at Remus.
“You’ve studied plenty, Moony. You always get top marks, anyway. Let’s go find the boys.”
That’s what they became – James and Peter. The boys. As if Sirius and Remus were something separate from them. Or a smaller group within a group.
One weekend Remus looked up to find Sirius standing above him. “Let’s go for a walk, Moons. I’m dying for some fresh air.”
Remus couldn’t deny him anything. They walked for hours, around the lake and down to the groundskeeper’s hut. Sirius asked him about the book he was reading and listened as Remus rambled on. By the time they returned to the castle, their cheeks were pink with cold and they were both out of breath.
“You’d better wear an extra layer next time.” Sirius laughed as he stood on his toes to ruffle Remus’ hair.
If he noticed Remus stood frozen there for a long moment after, he didn’t say anything.
Their walks became a weekly routine.
It was driving Remus mad, all these casual intimacies. Every time they touched his heart ached. He caught himself tracking Sirius’ every move. Every night, when Remus drew the curtains of his bed closed he found himself wondering if Sirius was asleep yet. Each time he closed his eyes he saw him, grinning with wild hair and fond eyes. He wondered what would happen if he stopped holding himself back. If, the next time Sirius looked at him like that, he pulled him into himself and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe. He wondered how Sirius would like to be kissed, where his favorite spots were, what sounds he would make when Remus-
He wondered. And he wanted. He wanted so much he thought he might melt under it. Might burn away before he was put out of his misery. The depths of his longing were pathetic, honestly. It disgusted him, but he couldn’t find a way out.
The worst part was that he grew used to it. He came to expect Sirius’ private smiles, his casual touches. He was the first person Remus looked to when he made a joke. The first person he looked for in a room. He wanted his approval, his admiration. They studied together for every test and sat together at the end of the day. Remus started paying attention to quidditch games, for Merlin’s sake. He became mesmerized by the way Sirius dove and weaved on his broom. The way his hair flew in the wind. His bright eyes and reddened cheeks when he landed. How he’d run to Remus as soon as the game ended.
It all gave him a horrible, impenetrable sense of hope. Like maybe there was a reason Sirius was acting differently. Like maybe, just maybe, he felt something for Remus too.
He should have crushed that feeling the moment it appeared.
Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup. The swarm of students in the common room seemed to grow by the minute. Firewhiskey and sweat permeated the air as music shook the walls. Remus poured himself another drink and wove his way through the crowd to where Lily leaned against a wall, talking with Mary and Marlene. He hadn’t seen Sirius since the game ended, hadn’t had a chance to congratulate him. Lily grinned when he handed her a new drink, gesturing to the middle of the room. James stood atop a table, his tie around his head, singing at the top of his lungs. A mob of students was crowding the table, screaming like they were at a concert.
Lily rolled her eyes. “Do you think he’s almost done?”
Remus grinned. “Oh, he’s just getting started. Don’t worry, he’ll still have time to flirt with you later.”
Lily scowled. “I will never trust you with anything ever again, Lupin.”
Remus shook his head. “Sorry, darling, but you’ve told me that quite a few times and I still don’t quite believe you.”
“Honestly, Lils, you should have taken your crush on Potter to your grave. I would never admit to something so humiliating.” Mary gave her a pointed look, swaying on her feet.
“Whatever. It’s just a phase. Besides, I think he’s finally over me. It seems the only person he has eyes for lately is the Black kid.” Lily took a gulp of her drink.
Remus raised an eyebrow. “Don’t let Sirius hear about that. His relationship with Regulus is rocky as it is. He doesn’t need to know his best mate has his eye on him. I’m impressed you caught that, Lils. James will barely admit it to himself.”
“It’s not difficult to know him better than he knows himself.” She grinned.
Remus nodded, his gaze drifting across the room.
Where was he?
He talked with the girls for another several minutes, downing another two bottles of firewhiskey. James fell off of the table, crashing into his adoring fans. There were screams for a moment, but it didn’t take long for everyone to look away. Remus helped him up, untangling him from a Hufflepuff clinging onto him.
“You’ve got to learn to handle your liquor, mate.” Remus scolded. James hadn’t had half as much as he had to drink.
“‘S’more fun this way.” James slurred as he sagged against Remus. “Where’s Lily?”
Remus set him on a window seat. “I’m not telling you until you sober up. There’s no need to embarrass yourself more.”
James nodded, though Remus wasn’t sure he’d been listening. “Look, Moons, there’s your man.”
“I don’t have a-” Remus’ voice died in his throat when he followed James’ gaze.
Sirius was in a dark corner by the door with his back to them, his hair a tangled mess around his shoulders. His quidditch robe had fallen off one shoulder. A Ravenclaw girl was standing all too close to him with a flirtatious smile and a hand on his arm. Sirius leaned in and whispered something in her ear. She laughed, pressing closer to him. He handed her his cup, and she didn’t take her eyes off him as she drank. Sirius was grinning.
Remus was going to be sick. His stomach dropped and everything suddenly felt cold. He shoved his cup into James’ hands before he dropped it.
Stupid.
Stupid.
How could he have been so stupid?
“I’m going to… bye.” He muttered.
His chest hurt. His eyes stung with unshed tears. He needed to get out of here.
He only realized after stumbling into his dorm that it wouldn’t be a sufficient hiding place. The rest of the Marauders would be up in a few hours. Sirius would be up in a few hours. Remus couldn’t bear to see him. Not now.
He snatched the invisibility cloak and the map from James’ chest. He slipped it over his head as he rushed out the door, forcing himself to pause at the top of the staircase to remember how to breathe. His head was spinning.
How could he ever think-
He reached the bottom of the stairs, bumping into someone as he wove his way toward the door. He spun around – a Hufflepuff boy – his eyes wide when he saw no one was there.
He heard Lily asking Marlene if she knew where he went and pushed past them as quickly as he could.
Out. He needed to get out.
He kept his eyes glued on the door as he drew closer, refusing to look to where Sirius was whispering something to his new girl.
Why was he doing this?
Why had he treated Remus like he-
“Oh!”
Shit.
The girl looked up, her caramel curls mussed and cheeks pink. Remus flinched backward.
“Someone bumped into me.” She scanned the room, her brow furrowed.
Sirius looked up, his pupils dilated and face flushed. He was practically swaying on his feet. Remus could smell the firewhiskey on his breath through the cloak. Sirius looked back at her, confusion written all over his face. He took a step backward, squinting through the spot where Remus stood.
“Moons?” It was a quiet question, his voice thick.
Remus’ heart thundered in his chest. He grabbed the doorknob and fled.
The air in the shack practically shimmered with cold. Remus climbed the stairs slowly. He hated it here. He shouldn’t have had to come for another week and a half. He reached the room he hid in every full moon, the blanket crumpled on the floor the only evidence anyone was there.
He thought about the night of the last moon. Sirius’ skin against his own. Sirius’ smile and gentle hands. A sob tore from his chest.
He should have known better.
He took the blanket and went to find another room to spend the night in as his tears flooded over.
Days later, nothing had changed. If anything, Sirius had become more affectionate.
Remus couldn’t find an excuse to get out of their Saturday walk, and when they reached the lake Sirius gingerly took his hand. Remus wanted to be mad. He wanted to hate it. But Sirius’ touch warmed him and sent excitement racing up his spine. He glared at the ground, but couldn’t find it in himself to let go.
He sat next to Remus in every class they shared, passing notes with doodles in the margins. As the full moon grew closer and Remus started to feel its effects, Sirius snuck down to the kitchens in the middle of the night to get him hot chocolate. He talked with him in hushed whispers until Remus was able to fall back asleep.
He touched Remus’ hair every chance he got – smoothing it out of his eyes, ruffling it when he was teasing, tugging it when Remus made a jab at him. It was something out of a dream turned into a bitter nightmare.
Remus tried, though half-heartedly, to avoid him, but it was no use. He felt Sirius’ absence like a physical being. When he was close by, his body relaxed and his mind slowed. He felt safe. He felt loved.
He couldn’t stand it.
On the way to class one morning, Remus dawdled behind the others. It was another twist of the dagger buried in his heart to separate himself from his friends like this, but he didn’t know what else to do. He stared down at his feet, anger flooding his system.
Someone fell into step beside him. He didn’t look up. Sirius didn’t say a word. Their hands brushed as they walked. Remus hated the thrill it sent through him. After a moment Sirius glanced toward him, but Remus kept his attention ahead. He slipped his fingers between Remus’, rubbing his thumb along the back of Remus’ hand.
Remus stumbled over his feet and stopped in his tracks. He finally looked at Sirius. In the middle of school? In front of everyone? What would that girl say when it got back to her?
But Sirius was just watching him, his eyes teasing and soft, a shy smile playing at his lips. Remus wanted to scream.
“Come here.”
He dragged Sirius away from the boys, tore open the first door he found, and tugged Sirius in after him. Only after he closed the door did he realize he had chosen a tiny closet. It was only big enough for the two of them, nearly pressed against each other. A tiny window offered a shred of light to see by. Remus dropped Sirius’ hand, pressing against the wall behind him. He had to put as much space between them as possible.
Sirius’ lips were parted slightly. Remus’ eyes caught on them for longer than he’d like. When he tore his gaze away Sirius’ eyes were wide, something like anticipation dancing behind them. His breaths shook. He swallowed, his eyes tracing Remus’ face slowly. Remus shook under the attention, heat swelling in his stomach. He raked a hand through his hair and closed his eyes.
“Sirius, I can’t keep doing this.” He had meant to sound firm, angry. But his voice came out hurt and desperate.
“Doing what?” Sirius’ words were breathless.
Remus grunted in frustration. “Being like this. With you. I can’t… I can’t keep pretending. Every time you- touch me, I see red. I can’t keep acting like everything is ok. I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want it. I don’t want you like this.”
Sirius was silent. When Remus opened his eyes, all the burning was gone from Sirius’ gaze. He had curled into himself, his hair falling in front of his face. Remus watched him, waiting for a response. Waiting for an explanation.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius’ voice broke. “I’m sorry. I know, of course I know you don’t want me. I just- every time I dated someone it… it would always crash and burn because I was thinking of you.”
Remus’ breath caught in his throat.
“I just got so sick of it. After Claire, I finally admitted to myself that it wouldn’t work with anyone until I stopped loving you. And I know I shouldn’t have, but after that night in the shack, I thought if I couldn’t have all of you, maybe I could have some of you. It was stupid, I know. But I thought you… liked it as much as I did. I thought you were ok with it. I knew you didn’t love me, but it was nice to be close to you. To hold you.”
His face was flushed bright red. He was staring at his shoes. Remus felt frozen in place.
“I’ve wanted you for years, Remus. I’m- I’m sorry.” He was whispering now, his voice broken and ragged.
Remus’ ears were ringing. He had to have heard him wrong. He loved him? Sirius Black loved him? He couldn’t think, couldn’t see anything but Sirius. His silky hair brushing his face, his angular cheekbones, the curve of his mouth, the dip of his collarbone.
Sirius Black loved him.
Before he could fully realize what he was doing, Remus pushed himself off the wall, took a fistful of Sirius’ robes in his fist, and kissed him.
For one beautiful, burning moment Sirius kissed him back. He tangled his fingers in Remus’ hair, clinging to him like an anchor. Remus cradled Sirius’ jaw, kissing him desperately, fervently. His head spun with it all, with finally, finally, having Sirius right where he wanted him.
But then Sirius was pushing him away, his hands shaking against Remus’ chest. The kiss broke, and Remus plummeted back to reality.
“Remus, what is going on?” Sirius’ voice was shaking and fragile. His arms were wrapped around his sides, holding himself together.
Remus’ heart ached. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I- I shouldn't have. I just wanted- Sirius this month has been torture. I was starting to hope you felt the same way I…. I felt like I was dreaming. I thought I was imagining everything. Sirius, I need to know. Who was that girl at the party? Who is she to you?”
None of the confusion left Sirius’ face. “She… no one. I mean- she's great and all, but I felt like shit that night. I was trying to get you out of my head. It was starting to hurt too much. Having you and not having you at all. I was using her, like a prick. She was a distraction.”
“You don't have any feelings for her?” Remus’ head was spinning.
“No. Of course not.” Sirius’ brow was still furrowed.
Remus let his head fall onto Sirius’ shoulder. The knot in his chest began to loosen.
“Remus, I'm not following. I need you to explain.”
Remus thought distantly that he liked feeling Sirius’ voice rumble through him. He shook his head as he lifted it. He needed to focus.
“Why do you care about her? You just said… you said you don't want me.” Sirius’ voice broke. He stared at his shoes.
“No- no, Sirius, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that like that. I'm sorry. I thought she was your new girlfriend. Or fling. Or whatever. I thought you were with her. I thought you were doing everything with me on accident, or worse, on purpose even though you had her. I thought you were taken and you were flirting with me anyway and you didn't want me and you were just having a laugh and I've been sick to my stomach for weeks, Pads. I wanted you to be mine. I wanted to be with you without it hurting. Me or anyone else.” Remus ran his hand through his hair. He couldn't breathe.
Sirius stared at him, eyes wide. Remus dropped his chin to his chest.
“I love you, Sirius.”
“Really?” It was a whisper.
“Have for a while” Remus hated how strangled his voice sounded. This was never how he imagined telling Sirius.
There was a pressure on his chest. A warmth. It took Remus a second to realize Sirius was touching him. His hands trailed up his chest and neck until he was cradling Remus’ jaw, lifting his face to look Sirius in the eye.
“You love me.” His voice was reverent. His eyes wide.
Remus nodded.
“I can have this.” He sounded as if he was reassuring himself.
“Only if I can have you too.” Remus breathed.
Sirius grinned at that, pulling Remis to him. “Please.”
This time when they kissed it was soft and sacred. Remus breathed Sirius in slowly, relishing how his heart pounded out of control in his chest. Sirius smiled against his mouth when Remus brought his hands up to his waist, circling around him tentatively.
“I love you.” Sirius whispered, deepening the kiss.
Sirius’ lips were full and soft and entirely intoxicating as he pushed and pulled against Remus, his hands tangling into his hair.
Remus all but whimpered. He backed Sirius more firmly against the door of the closet, crowding into his space and pressing against him.
Sirius gasped.
Remus smirked and finally let himself let go.
“Is that a hickey?” James studied Sirius with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh, it isn't just one, mate.” Sirius tugged at his collar, showing off several deep purple marks along his neck. There were still teeth marks around one.
Remus flicked Sirius under the table.
James’ eyes widened and he turned to Remus. He wanted to melt. He hadn't been able to think of anything to hide his matching set of bruises before they were already late for lunch.
“Congratulations, you two. I was wondering when you were going to figure it out.” James grinned.
“You… you knew?” Remus’ voice was hoarse.
“Please. Sirius told me years ago. And you-” he stabbed a finger toward Remus. “Are about as subtle as a mandrake.”
Peter was laughing behind his hand, his face bright red.
“...right.” Remus couldn't help but smile as his friends grinning at each other, laughter bubbling through them.