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Grandpa Reg and Grandma Winifred's cottage was small, but it certainly had its charm. Perry had been Candace's age when he first visited, but he had been fascinated by everything he saw. After all, how many houses had real swords and shields mounted on the walls? It was like a museum or an antique shop full of treasures, not to mention the neighbors lived in a real medieval castle. Candace, however, didn't seem to share his enthusiasm.
“Nothing for us to do,” she lamented, sprawled in an armchair much like Stacy, who had accompanied them on their family trip to England.
“What?” Grandma Winifred asked. “Why don’t you read my old collection of Sherlock Holmes? I've got the whole collection right here.”
“Gee. Thanks, Mrs. Fletcher,” Stacy said, trying to be polite.
Candace glanced unimpressed at the cover and whispered to Stacy, “Ah, yes. Reading. That’s what they did before they invented fun.”
“I heard that,” Grandma Winifred said from the kitchen.
“You know you're literally judging a book by its cover,” Perry said. He was sitting in an armchair in front of the fire with his own book—Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island. He had read it many times before, of course, but it felt extra nostalgic doing it here. “Seriously, Sherlock's great. He’s very smart and focused, and he’s super aroace-coded, which is very rare to see in a series written over a hundred years ago. And there are lots of plot twists.”
“Uh! Sold,” Stacy said, opening the volume Grandma Winifred had handed her.
“Oh, please. If Perry likes it, it must be a real snooze fest.”
“I heard that.”
Candace sighed. “Well, it’s better than nothing.” She opened her book and began to read. “Hmm? Mmm-hmm... Hmm...”
Perry smiled to himself and continued reading until Grandma Winifred called everyone to dinner. By then, the girls were already so engrossed in Sherlock’s adventures that there was no moving them.
“I brought you some Toad in the Hole. It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Perry said, swinging two plates and setting them on the tea table next to Stacy’s armchair.
“Yeah, yeah.” Candace waved an impatient hand.
“Sounds great,” Stacy said absently.
Perry shrugged and went back to his book. When the letters began to blur together, he knew it was probably time for bed. He closed the book with a snap, yawned, and threw another log on the fire. The girls were still reading, almost without blinking.
Perry and Candace used to share a room when they were younger, while Phineas slept in Ferb's old room. However, since Stacy had come over, Perry decided to give them the room and sleep on the sofa bed in the living room. He arranged his sheets, turned to the girls, and cleared his throat pointedly.
"Huh? What?" Candace looked up from her book. "Oh, you can have our room. Stacy and I'll sleep on the couch."
Perry shrugged again, fetched another pillow for Stacy, he even fluffed them up.
"Bed's ready."
"Thank you, my dear fellow," Stacy said as if reading straight from the page she had reached.
"Yeah, yeah, in a bit," Candace said.
"Okay, knock yourself out then," Perry said and went to bed, looking back one more time.
He had been smug at first, but now he was starting to feel a little concerned. He knew how Candace got every time she discovered a new special interest. There wasn’t much he could do except let her wear it out.
And sure enough, the next morning, the girls were still where he had left them, the couch untouched, and the Toad in the Hole was starting to attract flies, which was rather ironic. Perry hadn’t expected them to finish the entire collection in one night, though. He might not have been a real literature student, but he was still pretty impressed.
“Before they invented fun, indeed,” Grandma Winifred said in amusement.
The rest of the family was already getting ready to leave. Perry was surprised that Candace and Stacy could still stand.
“Perry, do you want to come with us to see the London Eye?”
“Sounds great, Phineas, but I think I’ll stay here and … reorganize Grandma’s library,” Perry said after a moment of hesitation and started to gather up the pile of books that Candace and Stacy had scattered. “Oh! I know! I’ll sort them in chronological order instead of alphabetical this time.”
Phineas tilted his head to the side. “Um, sure, sounds … fun?”
“Yep! You know me. I just loooove the smell of old books in the morning,” Perry said and sniffed The Hound of the Baskervilles a little to make his point. The dust made him sneeze, so he tried one of his best smiles.
“Oh, okay then.”
“See you later, old boy,” said Grandpa Reg, the last one out the door. He leaned closer to Perry and whispered conspiratorially, “If you fancy a bash with the swords, do mind Grandma's new tea set, would you?”
Perry chuckled quietly. “Please, Grandpa, I’m not a kid anymore.” Besides, he had become much more skilled at wielding swords in tight spaces since then.
Grandpa Reg smiled and waved, closing the door behind him.
Perry put the Sherlock Holmes collection back on the shelf, trying to remember the correct order. He went to the grandfather clock, glanced over his shoulder, and began to turn the hands, dialing a code. The clock moved to the side, revealing a big hole in the wall. Perry jumped and landed in a large leather armchair.
His secret base in London was relatively new, and he had to admit, a huge waste of money. The Major could have just sent him an email when he was visiting family. It was a little more cramped than his home base and more old-fashioned. There were shields and swords on the walls here, too, but less authentic than Grandpa Reg's, and lots of portraits of random old British men that were probably there just for the aesthetic. At least they had left some tea for him. Earl Grey. It wasn't his favorite, but it was warm, and the presentation was nice.
Monogram's face appeared on a screen that looked like a budget version of the one at home.
"Good morning, Agent P. Doofenshmirtz is up to no good here, in the UK. And, uh, after your last mission in London, we ran into some trouble with the British Spy Union. So joining you today is Agent Double 0-0."
A middle-aged man casually dropped from the ceiling and landed in an armchair identical to Perry's that appeared next to his. He was wearing a sharp tuxedo and had sleek black hair, rather old-school, like some kind of life-size parody of James Bond. He gave Perry a quick glance, then raised an eyebrow at the screen.
"And joining me today is the lovely Inspector Initials."
A woman about Major Monogram's age, with a similar haircut but a slightly improved fashion style, shared the screen with him.
"Double 0-0, you and Agent P will be assigned the same mission against Dr. Doofenshmirtz."
Agent Double 0-0 looked at Perry one more time and suddenly pointed his finger at him. “You realize this guy… is he even old enough to vote?”
“Ahem, I’m twenty-one,” Perry said indignantly.
“Hmm… Still too young for the United Arab Emirates.”
“EXCUSE YOU?”
“They’re American, Double 0-0,” said Inspector Initials. “Just be glad he’s legal.”
Perry folded his arms and pouted. Sure, he’d technically been initiated earlier than the other cadets, but he’d trained hard for many years and built up a respectable reputation. The Major wasn’t much help either.
”Ooh. Rrreow.”
Perry tried his best not to make a face so as not to prove Double 0-0's point. But if he had had a reason to want this briefing over as quickly as possible before, now he was eager to get out of there.
"Well, go get him, Agent P."
That was his cue. Perry jumped to his feet, tilted his hat, and took off without waiting for further instructions.
"What? That's all? No files? No location? No contact? What kind of mission is this?" Double 0-0 asked.
"It was enough for the legal one," Monogram replied.
”Ooh. Rrreow,” said Inspector Initials.
On their way through the exit tunnel, Double 0-0 made sure to criticize Perry's every aspect.
"Seriously, what are those pants you're wearing?" he asked, pointing at Perry's baggy cargo pants.
"Um, it's called being practical," Perry said.
"And don't even get me started on that hair. You look like one of those K-pop idols. You stand out like a bicycle horn at a symphony recital."
"I stand out? You look like you just missed your own wedding."
Double 0-0 stopped running. "Alright. Look. I see we've started off on the wrong foot, but we have a common goal, so let's try to be civil for maximum efficiency, what do you say?"
"Fine with me," Perry said, but he made a mental note that when Double 0-0's tight pants were going to rip in an inconvenient place during the fight, he would be as immature about it as Double 0-0 expected him to be.
"But how do you know what Doofenshmirtz is up to? We don't even know where he is," Double 0-0 said as they climbed into Perry's hoverjet.
"He's at Big Ben."
"And how exactly did you figure that out?"
"He just posted on his blog," Perry said, showing him a selfie of Doofenshmirtz in front of Big Ben on the car's screen titled Big Bad at Big Ben.
Double 0-0 blinked. "Well, that's... Does he realize he's not being subtle at all? This looks like a trap."
"Oh, there's always a trap, but he really is this ignorant sometimes."
“Hmm. Well, let’s at least try to be punctual then. Wait… Is this a hover car? We’re going to stand out like a banjo at an opera concert.”
“What’s with you and musical metaphors about standing out?” Perry asked. “Just relax, I have an invisibility switch.”
“Flying over London in an invisible car?” Double 0-0 asked, flapping his hands as if they were tiny fairy wings. “Brilliant. How about we eat some chocolate frogs while we’re at it? No, we’ll take my car like real adults.”
That did it! He insulted his fashion sense; he insulted his car. Perry decided he was going to be as petty and obnoxious for the rest of the mission as he could be. He was going to give Double 0-0 exactly what he wanted.
So as they drove down the streets of London in Double 0-0's old-fashioned Aston Martin, Perry made sure to chew his gum as loudly as possible.
"Now this is a motor car. It has pretty much everything. Radar, Subatomic Sonar, Nuclear Particle Response System, and an MP3 player," Double 0-0 listed, doing his best to ignore him.
Perry turned the MP3 player on to the most aggressive and on-the-nose Heavy Metal he could find:
♪ BLOOD! BROKEN HEARTS! TEARS! ♪
"Oh, yeah! This ma’ jam!" Perry shouted, making the horns sign, sticking out his tongue, and throwing his head back and forth so that all the turquoise hair that Double 0-0 disliked so much went flying in his face.
♪ INNER TURMOIL! IMPOSTOR SYNDROME! ♪
“You can’t form a sentence without a verb!” Double 0-0 shouted.
♪ SELF-LOATHING! ♪
“What? Speak a little louder!”
Double 0-0 reached out and changed the MP3 player to a Mozart concerto.
“Ahh, now this is real music.”
Perry pretended to be asleep, snoring loudly.
“Hard pass.”
Since Heavy Metal seemed to depress Double 0-0, Perry chose something more upbeat this time.
“Oh, anything but K-pop!”
It was part of a random K-pop boy band's summer album, comparing someone to a watermelon, sweet and juicy, the perfect cure for a hot sunny day. There were probably some less kid-friendly interpretations of the lyrics, but Perry didn't mind, especially since a lot of them were in Korean and he couldn't understand them anyway.
But Double 0-0 must have known a little Korean, because he gasped, pressed a hand to his chest, and said, "I've never heard more naughty and meaningless lyrics!"
"You have to admit, though, it's pretty catchy."
Double 0-0 turned off the MP3 player and exhaled, trying to keep his composure.
"How about we try to be quiet? Now, be a good boy and let me drive. We'll be there in a minute."
"Ooh! What does this button do?"
"Don't touch that, it's the ejector—"
The roof opened, and Double 0-0 was ejected and flew out of the car, which automatically stopped. Double 0-0 returned at a very normal pace, his polished shoes echoing with every step. He resumed the driver's seat.
"And I suppose you think that's funny."
"Kinda, yeah," Perry said with a grin.
"That's it! I don't want to hear another peep from you until we get there, understood?"
"Chill, bro. I'll chill."
Perry didn't speak anymore, but sat with his hand hanging out the window and continued to make bubble gum balloons until they popped. Double 0-0 didn't say anything either, but his eye twitched incessantly.
When they finally arrived, they found Doofenshmirtz in a secret base under Big Ben. Perry did his usual. He kicked the door open and got into an epic stance. But then Double 0-0 jumped in front of him and got into a stance of his own.
"Oh, who's your little friend here?"
"He's my new sidekick."
"EXCUSE YOU?" said Double 0-0.
Perry crossed his arms and smirked.
"If anything, you're my sidekick!"
"Sheesh," Doofenshmirtz said. "It's hard to find good help these days."
"Tell me about it," Perry said, giving Double 0-0 a smug look out of the corner of his eye.
Doofenshmirtz pressed a button on a remote control, and two metal straps sprang up from the floor and caught Perry and Double 0-0 around the waist.
"Hey!" Double 0-0 said, a little breathlessly.
"I have to apologize, all my traps are made to fit Perry the Platypus and his youthful waist," Doofenshmirtz explained.
"Are you trying to say I'm fat?"
"Oh, don't take it personally. I have a dad bod, too. Nothing to be ashamed of."
"I don’t have a dad bod!"
Perry chuckled behind his hand. This was starting to get good.
"Looks like I struck a nerve there!"
"What about this then?" asked Double 0-0, gesturing to the giant rocket engine above him and Perry.
Doofenshmirtz began to enthusiastically explain his evil scheme, using his miniature model of London and Danville. Since he was getting older and finding it increasingly difficult to read his watch, he was going to move Big Ben in front of Doofenshmirtz's Evil Incorporated so that he would always know what time it was.
Double 0-0 looked perplexed. "So that– That's your whole plan?"
"Well, in a nutshell, yes. What do you think?"
Double 0-0 looked at Perry. "Am I on one of those hidden camera shows?"
"Believe me, I've been wondering the same thing for a long time."
Doofenshmirtz pulled a lever, and the rocket engine began to rumble and emit puffs of smoke.
"Well, I'm going up to the top of the tower, I'm sure you two have a hot time together!" he said and walked up the stairs, laughing evilly.
"Don't worry, Agent P. I'll have us out of these before you know it," Double 0-0 said, activating the laser on his watch and starting to cut through the metal strap. "Stay calm, don't panic."
"Dude, I'm not panicking. I've been through a lot worse than this."
Double 0-0 rolled his eyes. "Yes, of course you have. Like when your mother confiscated your phone for a whole week, perhaps."
Perry would have liked to point out that this had never happened to him because he had always been very well-behaved at home, but he thought it would contradict the bratty image he had been trying to establish, so he kept his mouth shut.
Double 0-0's laser managed to make a small dent in the metal.
Perry groaned and threw his head back. "This is going to take forever."
"Patience, Agent P."
"Patience? In case you haven't noticed, there's a giant rocket about to make us toast any minute now."
"Do you know what your generation's problem is?"
"We have to live on a planet that previous generations have already ruined?" Perry said in a deadpan voice.
"Your short attention span."
"GIANT ROCKET," Perry repeated articulately.
Double 0-0 ignored him and focused all his attention on his useless laser.
“Look, he left the remote here. I’m sure we can reach it.”
“Hmm, no. That’s too simple. It’s probably a trap, a well-crafted plan to mislead us.”
“Trust me, it’s not. I know my nemesis. Sometimes it’s that simple.” Perry leaned down and reached for a brick that was just sitting there. “Here, I’ll show you.”
Double 0-0 straightened up, put a hand on his hip, and shook his finger. “Agent P, no, I order you to drop it.”
“Imma throw it.”
“No, drop it, I said drop it, drop it now.” Agent 0-0 pointed his finger down as if he were trying to train a stubborn puppy.
Perry threw the brick, hitting the remote on the first try. Both he and Double 0-0 were instantly released.
“Huh, lucky guess. I could have gotten us out of there if you’d given me more time.”
“Uh-huh,” Perry said, unimpressed.
“Now, Doofenshmirtz took the stairs, but if we work our way up through the inner mechanism of the clock, he'll never see us coming.”
“He won’t see us coming anyway. Weren’t you paying attention? Dude has zero awareness. Let’s just take the elevator. I can’t believe neither of you noticed it.”
“No, wait! It could be another trap.”
“Normally, I would agree with you, but I’ve taken the elevator to his apartment like a thousand times, and it never occurred to him to set traps. I’m thinking he doesn’t want to get in trouble with the other tenants.”
“Tsk, tsk, typical. Always looking for the easy way out,” said Double 0-0.
“You know what? Have it your way. I’ll take the elevator. See you at the top.”
Perry pressed the button and didn’t wait for Double 0-0’s reply. Exploring the inner mechanism of a giant clock would have sounded fun on any other day, but this mission was already dragging on forever, and he just wanted to get home before the rest of his family did.
As the elevator went up, Perry felt the ground shake beneath his feet and knew he had to act fast or all those London postcards wouldn't make sense anymore. Doofenshmirtz was at the very top of the tower, his hands held out to the sky, and doing his maniacal laugh as Big Ben shot up into the air like a rocket into outer space.
Perry didn't hesitate. He retrieved the remote control, giving the doctor a solid kick that sent him plummeting, except he landed on a yellow water slide that wound around the tower. Perry didn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce that his brothers had something to do with it. Doofenshmirtz almost seemed to be enjoying himself, at least until the slide broke into pieces and instead of landing in the Thames, he landed right next to it, forming a crater in the concrete.
Normally, Perry would have intervened, but Doofenshmirtz had been okay with gruesomely frying two people alive that day, so he probably deserved it. Plus, he was a lot tougher than he looked and hadn't hurt his head or any other vital part. Maybe Perry should have called an ambulance, just to be safe. He pressed the single button on the remote control that turned off the rocket, and the clock tower returned to its original place without a hitch.
Perry wondered what the chances were that no one had noticed what had happened. For some strange reason, most of Doofenshmirtz's schemes, no matter how big and obvious, went completely unnoticed in Danville, but this was London, and their previous giant robot battle had made the news, although no one had cared too much.
Perry sat down, swinging his legs over the edge, and admired the view of the slightly foggy city. After half an hour, he got up and stretched. Since there was no sign of either a news helicopter or Agent Double 0-0, it was safe to consider the mission accomplished. He summoned his hoverjet and managed to get home ten minutes ahead of the others.
Candace looked as if she had been possessed by the ghost of Sherlock Holmes, minus the pipe.
“Huh, I didn’t expect you to reach the cosplay phase so quickly,” Perry said.
“Not a word,” Candace grumbled.
“Well, looks like you had fun.”
“We sure did,” Stacy said with a grin, removing her bowler hat.
Grandpa Reg and Lawrence returned from the International Haggis Festival a little later and had brought at least twenty different flavors for dinner. Perry wasn’t comfortable eating any meat other than seafood, and Stacy started to look a little green when Grandpa Reg explained how Haggis was made. So Grandma Winifred made them both some fish and chips.
”So, wot did you get up to whilst we were away, then? 'Ave a jolly good time all on yer lonesome, did ya? ”
”Bet. I’d a blast sorting them books, then I dipped for a stroll and peeped some sick views.”
Grandpa Reg gave him a concerned look. ”Perry, me lad, I ain't got the foggiest what you've just waffled on about.”
Perry smiled awkwardly and used the napkin even though he didn't need to. Maybe it was time to drop the act. They were returning to Danville the next day, and he hoped this would be the end of their partnership with the British Spy Union.
That evening, Candace and Stacy crashed onto the couch without even changing into their pajamas, and Perry continued his book by the fire. He wondered with a vague smile if Agent Double 0-0 had made it out of the tower.
***
The stars and moon were out when Double 0-0 stepped out through one of the glass panels on the clock face. He was ready for battle, but he found no one there. That young, amateur agent must have been even more inconsiderate than he thought to just walk away and abandon his partner like that. When he returned to headquarters, he would file a complaint, although to be fair, by the looks of it, he was still in London, and the clock seemed unharmed.
Just as he was wondering what kind of method Agent P had used, he noticed a blue note stuck to the next glass panel. Double 0-0 picked it up curiously and read:
Mission accomplished, don't stress. If you look down, you'll see a Doctor D butt-shaped crater because I totally kicked his butt. I'm sure he's gonna be okay, though.
Sorry for messing with you. It's obvious that neither of us likes teamwork, but it was a welcome break from the routine, and despite everything, I hope one day we can look back on this and laugh.
So no hard feelings. We're cool,
P.
And then there was a little doodle of a cartoon platypus sticking out its tongue and winking.
“Huh, what a peculiar young man,” Double 0-0 muttered.
He probably should have disposed of the note, but for some strange reason, he couldn’t bring himself to do so. He folded it up and tucked it safely into the front pocket of his jacket.
“I wonder what time it is.” Double 0-0 glanced at his watch several times and narrowed his eyes. “Oh, I wish I had a bigger watch.” He sighed. “Maybe I am getting old.”
He put his hands on his hips and looked around.
“Now how do I get down from here?”