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Perry knocked on the door and opened it hesitantly, almost furtively.
“Oh, hi, Perry!” Isabella said in her hoarse voice. She didn’t look too bad, but she looked small, the only spot of purple in a room of dull turquoise and gray-green. “What'cha dooooin'?”
“Just wanted to check on you. I hope the boys didn’t overwhelm you too much. I still don’t know how they got that Trojan horse through the door.”
Isabella giggled. “No, they were fine.”
“I had to make a quick stop to get this first.”
“The latest issue of Trend Tween!” Isabella clapped her hands.
“Yeah, I knew you’d want to keep up,” Perry said with a knowing smile.
Even in the hospital, Isabella made sure to wear a bow in her hair that matched her pajamas.
While Isabella read, Perry paced the room with the air of someone exploring enemy territory. He pulled back the curtain, brushed away a microscopic lint from the carpet, and frowned at a footprint left by one of the Trojan War reenactors.
“Uh, seriously, Perry, what are you doing?” Isabella asked, looking up from her magazine. “You seem a little tense.”
Perry sighed and sat down in the chair by the bed. “I’m sorry, it’s just… the last time I saw you in a hospital bed, you were so small, but you were healthy and surrounded by family.”
Isabella raised an eyebrow. “You mean the day I was born?”
Perry nodded. “Everyone was so happy that day, and now it’s so quiet, way too quiet.”
“Perry, you know it’s just a standard procedure, right? They just took out my tonsils.”
“Hey, Perry, you left this in the car.”
Phineas returned carrying a care package, which he set down at the foot of the bed. It was filled with Isabella’s favorite snacks, some books, puzzles, a fluffy blanket, a handmade card, and a get-well-soon balloon.
“Oh, wow! All of this for me?”
“Sure! We wouldn’t want you to get bored. Just try to save some room for the ice cream,” Phineas said, before rushing out of the room in his excitement.
“That’s very thoughtful of you,” Isabella said. “But you know I’m leaving today, right?”
“Oh, well, I just wanted to make sure you had everything you needed,” said Perry.
“Oh! And look at this!” Isabella pulled out a small knitted doll dressed as a nurse. She had long black hair like hers, and even a tiny bow to match her outfit. “She’s so cute! But you shouldn’t have bothered.”
“Nah, it was nothing.”
“Then what's with those?” Isabella pointed at Perry’s clumsily bandaged fingers. They were getting even worse because Perry kept fidgeting with his hands.
“Ah, that… I might have been a little distracted. But you know, I was the first in my scout troop to get my knitting patch.”
“What about this one?” Isabella pointed to her tonsillectomy badge.
“No, I never got that one.”
“That probably explains why you’re so nervous. If you had it, you’d realize it’s no big deal. Look, why don’t you go home with the guys? Nurse Mini-Me will keep me company, so you don’t have to worry,” Isabella said, propping her doll up against the pillow.
But Perry wasn’t listening. He picked up Isabella’s medical charts from the footboard and began to read.
Isabella sighed. “Perry…”
”Mmm-hmm… Hmm…” Perry said, rubbing his chin, but then he quickly looked away and flipped through the papers. “Gotta be honest, I have no idea what half of these words mean.”
“It means she’s not dying.”
Perry turned around and sighed in resignation. “Hi, Dr. Hirano. Oh, alright. I’ll be on my way.”
“Not before I take a look at these, you’re not.” Dr. Hirano grabbed his wrist and held it up to expose his patched fingers.
“But it’s nothing, really,” Perry pleaded. “I’ll just take care of them when I get home. There’s really no need.”
Dr. Hirano held up her phone with Linda’s picture on speed dial.
Perry looked at her. “That’s a low move, Dr. Hirano.”
Dr. Hirano smirked, but only for a second before she returned to her serious voice, “My office, now.”
Perry followed her down the hall with no choice, while Isabella giggled and waved.
"Bye, Perry! See you at home!"
Dr. Hirano used to be Perry's pediatrician, and even though he hadn't technically been her patient for almost four years, she still kept Perry's brick-sized medical record. Every time he'd broken a bone or blacked out an eye during his training at OWCA, and all the way to his apprenticeship when things started to get serious, it was all written down there. Of course, he had to make up more and more colorful stories. At first, he'd blamed it all on his adventurous and reckless nature, then, when he was old enough to know better, he'd pretended to be clumsy and accident-prone. At least the story about the knitted doll was true.
When he finally made it home, Perry paced his room, fingers covered in Ducky Momo Band-Aids and sucking on a lollipop. The delivery trucks had already arrived, filling the yard with giant cardboard boxes. Perry watched them absently from his window while using his phone.
“Seriously, what happened there? Isa told me you were an emotional wreck,” said Pinky. “You know she’s my cousin, right? Practically my little sister, and even I’m not that worried. She’s a tough kid, she’s got this.”
Perry sighed and pulled the curtain back. “I know that. I just don’t like hospitals.”
“Oh, really? I never would have guessed.”
Perry sat down on his bed. “Okay, ha ha, real funny, but it’s different when I’m the one visiting.”
“Well, then you finally know how I feel.”
Perry lay back and groaned softly.
“Okay, okay, that was mean, I’m sorry,” Pinky said. “Look, I’m going to pick up Isabella in a few hours, and then you can come by. Why don’t you do something to take your mind off things? Take a nap, anything.”
“Oh, alright. I suppose I have some time to kill.”
Perry hung up and turned to his side, snuggling around his old platypus plush as if he were a little kid again. He still did this more often than he cared to admit.
Even without all the ruckus outside, Perry had a hard time falling asleep, and when he did, he had a strange dream. He was underwater, and he saw Isabella in her Fireside Girl uniform, a spear in her hand, fighting a giant squid and saying something about a Wrestling a Giant Squid under the Sea Patch. She seemed to be winning at first, but then the squid wrapped its tentacles around her neck, causing Isabella to cough and cry out for help in a hoarse voice.
Perry tried to move, but it turned out to be one of those dreams where you were just a spectator, and there was nothing you could do. He heard a war horn. It was the Achaean army, and they had brought a Trojan sea horse. They were trying to save Isabella, as if she were Helen, but like the actual Greek heroes, they weren't very good at it and started killing random fish instead of focusing on the mission. Perry was convinced that they would have ended up setting the sea on fire somehow if he hadn't woken up.
He hadn't woken up because the dream had gotten too weird, but had been ejected from his own bed through a hatch in the roof and landed in his hoverjet, set on autopilot and flying over Danville. To most people, this would have meant they were still dreaming, but to Perry, this was a Thursday. He turned on the car's screen and was instantly greeted by Major Monogram's grave face.
“Sorry to wake you, Agent P.”
“It’s okay. I couldn’t really sleep anyway,” Perry said, rubbing his eyes.
“Looks like Doofenshmirtz is getting sloppy. He sent his daughter right into our sting operation and purchased blueprints for a Space Las-inator. ”
“That’s a classic, which is a little off-brand for him. Are you sure he didn’t get the wrong order for an Inator that turns cars into Bratwursts or something?”
“Well, we intended to pass him fake plans, but due to a rookie error, and by ‘rookie’, I mean Carl.”
The screen zoomed out to Carl standing next to the Major in his saleswoman costume that had always given Perry that uncanny valley feeling. He wasn't exactly terrible at wearing disguises and playing pretend either, but Carl was on a whole other level.
Carl waved. "Sorry, my bad."
"The plans he received are real; terrifyingly real," the Major continued.
"Again, I must apologize, I was in character--" said Carl.
"That's understandable. I’ve been there," Perry reassured him.
"You better step on it, Agent P. Before it's too late," said the Major.
"Yeah, yeah, space laser, got it. I’m on it," Perry said and turned off the screen.
Was he really more concerned about a little girl's tonsils than about a laser that could target any part of the Earth and kill thousands? He tried to tell himself that this was one of the consequences of trying to play two roles at once. Secret Agent Perry was faster than a bullet and could destroy any giant laser, but regular Perry was not a doctor and could do nothing for Isabella except watch and try to comfort her. So why couldn't the image of Isabella in a big hospital bed leave Secret Agent Perry's mind then? Why did Secret Agent Perry feel helpless for once?
He tried to shake it off and focus on the mission. He kicked open Doofenshmirtz's door, even though he probably didn't need to. It helped ease some of the tension.
"Perry the Platypus, you-you're early. I haven't even started yet. My-my daughter should be here any minute with the blueprints, though. Oh, there she is. "
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz just walked in, giving Perry a somewhat curious look.
"Good morning, Vanessa. You remember Perry the Platypus."
"Yeah, hi," Vanessa said in her usual monotonous voice.
Perry folded his arms and said nothing. He wasn't in the mood for small talk, and Vanessa had been a little too okay with him being submerged in a pool of molten lava during their first impressions for his comfort.
“Perry the Platypus, why don't you have a seat in my waiting area?”
Well, that was new. Like the rest of the apartment, the decor was reminiscent of the 70s. There was an arc floor lamp and some lava lamps, too. Perry took a seat in one of the egg chairs, although he didn’t feel like waiting. Punching someone would have been a welcome distraction, but beating Doofenshmirtz in front of his kid would have been tactless, to say the least. He had standards, after all. So waiting it was, he supposed.
“Read some magazines! Sorry they're all in Spanish, I--I steal them from my neighbor. You know, evil never rests.”
Oh, that was just great. Of course Perry knew a little Spanish from Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro's telenovelas, and Pinky had taught him a few grammar and pronunciation rules. He hadn't even checked to see if Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro was doing okay. If he was worried, he could only imagine how she must have been feeling.
He hid his face behind a magazine filled with healthy recipes and fitness tips so that no one would notice his internal conflict. Not that anyone was paying attention to him, anyway. Doofenshmirtz was busy assembling his space laser, and Vanessa was watching him closely, taking notes. Perry would have assumed she was trying to learn the trade so she could follow in her father's footsteps if Vanessa hadn't stopped every now and then to do a funny little dance in the corner and sing something about how she wanted to bust him.
Perry wondered if wanting to bust family members was another one of those teenage phases he had skipped, like having crushes and bursting into spontaneous musical numbers, apparently.
"Oh, Perry the Platypus, it's finally ready!"
Perry looked up from his magazine just in time to see Doofenshmirtz press a big red button. The bit of floor the chair was on flipped over, and Perry found himself in a cage just as tall as he was and wide enough that he could press his palms against the bars. His hat flew off his head when it happened, and then a mechanical arm grabbed the top of the cage and lifted it up.
"Too bad you can do nothing but watch as I prepare to launch my Space Laser-Inator!"
Doofenshmirtz then explained to Vanessa how he planned to destroy the billboard that was blocking his panoramic view, and he wasn't going to stop there, but would eliminate all the things that annoyed him. Perry had to admit that it sounded more evil than the doctor's usual plans, and Vanessa was delighted because now she could really get him in trouble with her mother. But Perry wasn't worried, especially since he was pretty sure he had seen Doofenshmirtz dump several gallons of milk, bags of sugar, and crushed pistachios into that machine. Maybe Carl hadn't failed to give him the wrong plans after all, and it was almost comical that Doofenshmirtz didn't question any of it.
So all Perry had to do was stand by and watch as Doofenshmirtz was scooped into a giant bowl that came out of the machine and covered in a ridiculous amount of chocolate chip pistachio ice cream with a giant cherry on top.
Vanessa returned with her mother barely a moment later. Charlene Doofenshmirtz took one look at the so-called Space Laser-Inator and said, "That's not evil, dear. A bit much, perhaps. Heinz, what is all this? I thought you were lactose intolerant."
"I am!"
Charlene picked up the remote control and pressed the button, curious to see what it did. Another giant scoop of ice cream splattered onto Doofenshmirtz so that only his outraged eyes were visible.
"Oh... I'm paying you way too much alimony."
Perry never understood the concept of alimony. You married someone, things didn’t work out, and then you had to pay them money for who knows how long, as if you still owed them something and were still attached to them. People who experienced romantic attraction were so weird for that.
“And who's over there?” Charlene finally noticed him. “Heinz, we’ve talked about this. You can’t trap the pizza guy every time he asks for a tip.”
Charlene found the button that opened the cage and lowered Perry back down to the ground.
“But Mom, he’s a secret agent!” Vanessa said.
“A secret agent? He’s just a young person working in the food industry. They don’t make much, you know. Oh, I’m so sorry, young man, my ex-husband tends to overreact sometimes.”
Perry was happy to play along. “Oh, it’s fine. Happens all the time. Last time I had someone slam a giant dictionary on my fingers because they said ‘tip’ was the only word I seemed to know,” he said, showing off his bandaged fingers.
Charlene pressed a hand to her chest. “How awful! Oh, you poor thing!”
Perry shrugged. “It comes with the territory.”
“Here’s your tip, and a little extra for the trouble.” Charlene pulled a hundred-dollar bill from her purse.
“Oh, there’s really no need. I don’t mind.”
“No, I insist. You deserve it,” Charlene said, patting him on the shoulder and stuffing the bill into the front pocket of his bomber jacket.
“Uh, okay then. Thanks, but I should probably get going before I get a parking ticket.”
“Oh, yes, of course. Vanessa, why don’t you walk this nice young man to the exit?”
“Oh, I’m sure he knows his way out, alright,” Vanessa murmured, giving Perry a dirty look.
“Vanessa!”
“Ugh, fine.”
Perry walked down the stairs with his hands in his pockets and a smug expression on his face as Vanessa continued to glare at him.
“Okay, what was that all about?”
“What was what about?” Perry asked innocently.
“Oh, don’t play dumb. You made me look like I was mad in front of Mom! Why didn’t you tell her you’re a secret agent?”
“Uh, because I am a secret agent,” Perry said, turning to look at her.
Vanessa pressed a hand to her forehead. “Okay, I get it. But you could have at least told her about Dad. I mean, she’s family, well, ex-family. Don’t you think she has a right to know?”
“It's not that. If your father chose to include you in some of his schemes, that’s on him, but if he didn’t tell your mother, well, whatever his reason, the less people know the better. Who knows how she’d react? It’s easier for us to control what he does as long as the police aren’t involved.”
“Oh, come on, Mom wouldn’t call the police on Dad,” Vanessa said, but then she stopped to rub her chin. “I mean, I don’t think she would.”
“Well, either way, I think it’s pretty cool that your parents are still on such good terms. Why would you want to ruin that? Even if she doesn't call the police, your mother might never let you see your father again. Have you thought about that?”
They stopped on the next landing. Vanessa looked at the floor and sighed. “No, I guess not.” She looked up at him and crossed her arms. “Still, you didn't have to be so smart about it.”
Perry chuckled. “Hey, trapping a minimum wage employee in a cage is still pretty evil.”
“Oh, yeah, about that. You’re definitely making way more than that, so I don’t think you’ll be needing those hundred bucks,” Vanessa said, holding out her hand expectantly.
“Oh, no, I think I’ll keep them. You know, that cage did some terrible things to my elbows,” Perry said, flexing and extending his arm a little.
“Seriously, what kind of secret agent are you? You literally didn’t do anything.”
“Perry, dear, is that you? I thought I recognized your voice.”
An old woman in a pink dressing gown came out of one of the apartments, adjusting her oversized glasses on her nose.
“Oh, hello, Mrs. Thompson,” Perry said, a little taken aback. “Uh, Vanessa and I were just talking about this new video game we're playing.”
“Oh, you kids and your screens,” Mrs. Thompson said, waving a hand.
Perry laughed a little. “Yeah, you know us. So, what are Chesley, Chester, and Chestnut doing?”
“They’re really loving their new scratching post. Why don’t you come in for a cup of tea? You know, they miss you so much.”
"Aw, I'd love to, but I really have to get home. Maybe next time? I’ll bring some cucumber sandwiches.”
“That sounds wonderful, dear. And Vanessa dear, send my regards to your father, uh, what was his name…”
“Uh, sure, Mrs. Thompson,” Vanessa said.
And they both smiled and waved until Mrs. Thompson closed the door and returned to her apartment.
“You’re really set on blowing my cover, huh?” Perry muttered.
“You know Dad’s neighbors?” Vanessa asked.
“Well, not all of them. I helped Mrs. Thompson carry her groceries upstairs once, and sometimes we have tea together.”
“Is that part of your cover?”
“Huh? Uh, sure.” Perry shrugged. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I wasn’t kidding about that parking ticket.”
Vanessa followed him to the front of the building out of curiosity. “What the-- You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Perry’s hoverjet was parked on top of a furniture-moving truck.
Perry smiled at the look on her face. “No ticket if they can’t reach it.” In one effortless leap, he was in his seat. “Well, it’s been fun chatting with you, Vanessa, but maybe you should leave busting your dad to me. That’s kind of my job.”
Vanessa watched in disbelief as Perry’s hoverjet took off and disappeared into the distance above the heavy traffic. And of course, she seemed to be the only one who had seen it. She sighed and turned back toward the building. Well, at least she hadn’t inherited her father’s lactose intolerance because she was suddenly in the mood for some of that ice cream.
***
“Wow, guys, this is amazing!” Isabella said, enjoying the sundae Phineas and Ferb had brought her. “I was afraid you guys were gonna go overboard and build some giant sundae contraption or something!”
“Actually, we were gonna do that, but we accidentally built a space laser instead.”
Ah, so that’s what happened. Of course, a better solution would have been to destroy the blueprints for a space laser in the first place, but OWCA tended to overcomplicate things. Perry should probably have been more worried that his little brothers had almost accidentally built a deadly mega-weapon, but he was just relieved to see Isabella back in her own bed, in the safety of her bright pink and purple room where she fit in perfectly.
“Oh! I'd better put Nurse Mini-Me somewhere safe, so I don’t get her all sticky,” Isabella said, turning to the small doll tucked in next to her.
“I got her! Wow, Perry, did you really make this?” Phineas asked, turning the doll over in his hand. “Looks like you had fun. Ferb, I know what we’re doing tomorrow! How about the world’s largest knitted doll? Oh! Or maybe a doll metropolis with its own subway line!”
“That would be the perfect chance to earn my doll knitting patch,” Isabella said, looking pleadingly at Pinky, who was leaning against the door frame next to Perry.
Pinky chuckled. “If you’re feeling better by tomorrow, I don’t see why not.”
"I feel a lot better already," Isabella said, taking a large scoop of ice cream to prove her point.
Pinky and Perry went out into the hallway, leaving the kids to their brainstorming.
“See, I told you not to worry. Things will be back to normal before you know it,” Pinky whispered.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Perry said.
“So you got an assignment after all?”
“Yeah, but it helped me take my mind off things, and I think I made a new friend.”
“Really? Doesn't sound at all like Agent P. Perry, of course. He can befriend literally anyone.”
“Well, I seem to be getting the two mixed up lately.”
Pinky folded his arms behind his back and playfully bumped into Perry's shoulder. “Well, maybe they’re not so different after all.”
“Oh, no, I’m sure I just let my guard down. Next time I need to step up my game."
Pinky paused to shake his head and sigh in exasperation before catching up with Perry again. Yeah, things were really getting back to normal.