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Madison's head throbbed as she managed to turn her body from her side to her back, shivering despite the heat. Trying to hold herself gingerly, thinking it would hurt otherwise, but failed, collapsing on the bed with a groan
and a "shit" lying there defeated, she had no time for this lying here trying and failing to get some damn sleep, if no sleep at all, the sheet soaked with sweat and some quiet tears from spoken and unspoken words
that are now just thoughts in a decent-sized bedroom with wooden panels and a cross above her head, making her feel both judged and reminiscent, turning her head up at it, maybe in defiance, maybe looking for an answer
She wasn't sure she wanted the answer to, her steely yet contemplative gaze reminded Madison when this whole thing started, when the end of the world to some, the rapture to others, started, and when she, hammer in hand
standing out back of their suburban house, thinking about putting their zombified neighbor out of her misery, but not being able to do it, Madison sometimes wished that she would still be that hesitant to kill, living or dead
like how she was with her father at first, but that hesitantly went away when she remembered all the fighting and drinking, how scared her mama was to go to the hospital, in fear of him finding out, in fear of the police not doing anything.
like a switch, it was all the justification she needed to take the gun on one of those many nights from his study desk drawer and to shoot him point-blank. and it's that same justification that got her this far {at least she hoped}
Even if she was hated for it, it didn't or. wouldn't matter as long as she told herself it was for the sake of her family and not for her own selfishness, it would be fine. That if she buried it down and pretended
It wasn't more complex than just a gun to the head; she would be fine. It would all be fine. Just let Mom handle it. What would she tell both Nick and Alicia, long before the outbreak got into something you shouldn't have? mom will
handle it, made a mess? Mom will handle it, then somewhere down that line it becomes more about Nick than Alicia, trying to handle Nick's heroin addiction, getting him into rehab, even though he fought her every way.
About it, in a way, it helped Madison justify leaving Alicia on her own to handle some things, because she is not an addict, {she would tell herself} she's not shooting up in the bathroom, going to rehab, stealing morphine, she's fine
Madison said she was there, but never being there for Alicia to feel like she could talk to her, not without Nick being involved somehow, or at least that's how Madison imagined her only daughter felt
Feeling overshadowed by her brother because mommy dearest put all of her time into a son who left when the Fucking Apocalypse started when she...Madison had to stop; she was getting angry, and she could feel her muscles tense.
As her mind spiraled, "I'm sorry," she hiccupped to an Empty now sunset room as tears and sweat mixed, making a sticky slurry of shame, guilt, and sickness,
Madison silently prayed that it wasn't just the cross that heard her.