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A mission gone wrong, 23 subordinates dead. If you ask Kajii, that’s much better than usual. To Chuuya, it’s a personal failure. It’s a bit irrational, but his subordinates are his family. His friends at the very least.
____
Kajii wakes up that morning to the smell of incense. He reaches over, grabbing his glasses before stumbling out of bed and into the living room. Chuuya sits by the window, a solemn look on his face as he watches the flame of the candle dance.
“Deep in thought, I see?”
Kajii leans on the doorway as he speaks. His voice is calm, quiet. A far cry from the usual loud, energetic voice when he’s bombing something. Chuuya glances at him, but his attention quickly returns to the flame.
“I guess. Good morning.”
“Your voice is raspy. Want something to drink? I don’t presume you’ve eaten either, am I right?”
The silence confirms Kajii’s assumption. He walks over, sitting next to Chuuya on their fancy couch. He leans over, peering at the candle as well.
“You always light one when someone dies. Does it help you mourn?”
He feels as if he was a little too blunt there, but Chuuya seems to take no offense. It’s one of the things Kajii adores about Chuuya. He always seems to understand what he means. Or he tries to, at least. That’s more than he can say for most.
“Yeah. It does. It’s more intimate, yeah? At funerals there’s so many people there, and then I feel I can’t really say what I think and..”
Chuuya shakes his head, cutting himself off. He takes a deep breath and starts once more.
“It’s like…I feel like I’m doing something right by them for one last time. I’m their boss, I… wasn’t supposed to let them die. Don’t reassure me, I don’t want to hear it. I wouldn’t believe you anyway. There’s no point.”
Kajii’s a little surprised. Chuuya’s gotten better at reading him throughout the time they’ve spent together. He nods and stays quiet, letting Chuuya ramble on.
“It lets me remember them, in a way. I use this as a chance to pray for them.”
“I didn’t know you were religious..?”
Chuuya smirks a little. Kajii doesn’t get what’s amusing about that, but he’s happy to see that sad look off of his boyfriend’s face. Even if just for a second.
“Far from it. I actually think it’s a bit stupid…ah, but we’re not talking about that now. It just feels disrespectful not to, y’know?”
Kajii nods along at his words. He understands the logic behind that. He reaches forward, rubbing Chuuya’s back.
“You're sore from sitting up like this, hm?” He asks quietly, not really expecting a response. Chuuya leans into him, the somber expression returning. Kajii just can’t stand it.
“Would you mind if I joined you?” Kajii hopes he allows him. The idea of doing whatever upstairs while Chuuya sits miserably by himself makes his heart ache. Chuuya nods, leaning into Kajii’s hands as they move up and down his back.
“...Do you light separate candles for all your subordinates? Or is this for all of them?”
He keeps his tone soft. Chuuya is being awfully vulnerable today. He can’t make anything worse.
“For all of them. Unless we’re really close, I’d say. I don’t think I even own that many candles…”
There’s a bitter snark at the end of his words. He speaks like it’s amusing, but Kajii knows how much this hurts. He can tell. His hand rubs a bit harder. Chuuya finally rips his attention away from the moving smoke.
“You don’t have to sit with me. You haven’t eaten either. It’s okay.”
“How about we sit here for a bit more and then we’ll go eat some breakfast? Then we can watch a movie or-”
Kajii cuts himself off. Requesting to bomb a building might not be good timing right now..
“-or anything you want, really. Clearly, you don’t feel well so..”
As Kajii rambles, Chuuya chuckles.
“You’re so sweet when you wanna be. I..”
He looks over at the candle, as if it’ll show disapproval towards him. He’s hesitating. Kajii leans onto his side, moving his hand to his neck. He gently digs his fingers into the stiff muscles. Chuuya usually loves more rough massages, but he’s awfully sensitive about his neck, so Kajii moves slowly.
“We don’t have to do things now.”
“Kajii, it’s…”
Chuuya’s lip quivers. He’s far from unemotional, but he sure as hell isn’t the type to cry in front of people. It honestly makes a part of Kajii panic. His heart sinks at the sight. Chuuya takes a deep breath, harshly wiping away tears before they fully form.
“It’s all my fault. I was…so reckless. If I just planned a little bit more, they’d still be here. I caused this and yet I’m here mourning?! I still haven’t told their families! I don’t-”
Kajii’s hand falters as Chuuya shakes his head. He looks at the ground, trying to maintain any form of composure he has left. Kajii can only offer up a weak
“Please don’t cry. I…I’m sure they don’t blame you. They know what they’re signing up for.”
“That doesn’t matter! That’s not the point! I-... excuse me, yeah…? I didn’t mean to get all emotional, it’s…been a hard day.”
Kajii shakes his head, lowering his hand to his side.
“It’s okay. You sound raspy. I’ll make you some tea, okay?”
“...Yeah. That’d be nice. Thank you.”
______
Chuuya puts the mug to his lips, sipping on the sweet
tea inside. It calms his nerves. It makes him think of Kouyou. Kajii is next to him, rubbing his side as some horror movie plays in the background. Chuuya listens to Kajii drone on and on about how unrealistic it is, and how “if I was there, I’d simply get up after tripping!”
In all honesty, he’s not really paying attention to the specifics. He doesn’t feel well, and Kajii’s voice is reassuring to listen to. He closes his eyes. Today was miserable, but Kajii can distract him from it all, at least for a little.