Work Text:
Parabola
Felix hadn't seen a menu like this in a while; bound, with beautiful photographs. The “peach dessert” looked nice, he thought; he'd seen the display model outside the restaurant, and it was the first thing that caught his eye. The menu had said that it was ice cream cake. Small and delicate, in addition to being obnoxiously expensive.
But, still, it looked good. Felix wanted that peach-cake with his coffee. Both of them ordered the same thing, and they sat looking at each other for a while.
“Thanks for asking me out here.” Felix said, putting the menu down.
“Not a problem.” Wash smiled.
“Man. I hope that isn't too creepy or anything, you know?” Felix touched the back of his neck as he spoke, looking awkwardly down at the coffee. “But like, I couldn't just leave you alone after you left like that.”
Washington shook his head. Felix's eyes travelled to Wash's lips for a long moment, before travelling back to those pure, beautiful eyes.
“I mean, man. Imagine my surprise when I found out you were banging somebody so ugly and tacky.”
Wash kept quiet, as if in deep thought.
“No offense, of course. I mean, if he's what you're into...”
“He's not.” Wash said.
“Have you ever, like, installed Grindr?” Felix asked, trying to lighten the mood. “Surely you could get somebody better-looking than that Hargrave guy. I mean, it's not hard to be handsomer than him, you know?”
“Hargrove. And I did. Long ago.” Washington replied. He looked down at his coffee and chuckled. “I wasn't really looking for somebody to have sex with at that time. I just wanted to meet people who weren't straight.”
“Ooooh boy.” Felix whistled.
“I made it clear on my profile, too. Said that I was just looking for friends.”
“You forgot long walks on the beach. Dudes on Grindr dig those.” Felix realised that he probably shouldn't have made the joke after it slid out of his mouth.
Fortunately for him, Wash didn't seem to have a problem with it. “Nah, I wasn't even looking for a relationship. Like, if we were friends first, maybe. Probably. You know? Anyway, I made sure not to tick the box that said 'right now'. The first message that I got was, I quote, 'Want to slide a mile six inches at a time on my dick?'”
“Ha! That's a good one.” Felix grinned. “Maybe I'll use it sometime.”
“It's not six inches at a time.” Wash's eye glinted.
“Heeey!”
“Before you offer to fist me,” Washington interjected, “You're the right size for somebody your height.”
“I guess. I'm not huge, like...” Locus. Felix stopped himself in time, and whipped up another name that came to mind. “Sharkface.”
Wash raised an eyebrow. “Sharkface?”
“Some guy I occasionally bang. He seems to have embraced his role as a Batman villian.” Felix waved his hand dismissively, thinking that this probably wasn't the right time to bring up the fact that Sharkface wrote the poem which brought them back together. “So what did you do, then?”
“Nothing. I didn't reply. After the sixth dick and chest pic, I deleted the app and never installed it again,” Wash said.
Felix laughed. “At least meet someone and get a free drink out of it.”
“Do you really need a drink that badly?” Wash asked.
“Meh. Guess not. It always helps, though. It's like social lubrication. The higher quality the drink, the less their faces look like they've been through a meat grinder.”
Wash looked at him solemnly. “Some things are just not worth sacrificing your dignity for.”
“I agree, but you're the one banging Hargrave.”
“It's Hargrove, not Hargrave.”
“Hargrove? Okay. Heard you call him that, I thought it was like, Hargrave or something. I just called him the formal 'you'.” Felix sipped the coffee. “Anyway, I don't know how you can do that and not hate yourself.”
Wash lowered his head for a moment, as if in deep thought. Felix wasn't sure what to make of it; perhaps he'd spoken too harshly.
“Man, maybe he never hurt you. You didn't see it, but he bruised something going too fast and I bled quite a bit.” Felix went on, trying to clarify before Wash got the wrong idea. “It still hurts when I try to shit, but like, how the hell do you do that with somebody who's as experienced as I am?”
Wash looked at him, concerned.
Sensing that he probably said something wrong again, Felix added with a light-hearted smile, “Probably not a great time to bring it up, hm? My bad.”
“How bad is it?” Wash asked.
“...You remember that time when, well, you bled a bit? It's more than that,” Felix explained. “I still have blood coming out today. But it's okay now, I took some painkillers.”
Washington didn't seem to know what to say. He continued looking at the tea for a bit, then looked out of the restaurant. Finally, he said, “You need to see a doctor.”
“Yeah, later.” Felix was racking his brains for something proper to say, seeing as how Wash wasn't reacting well to anything he said. Wash was probably concerned, but Felix didn't want to see a doctor unless he absolutely had to. None of this was helping their friendship, either. He had been looking forward to this for so long that he felt like he couldn't fuck it up, yet he was so ill prepared for it. He just didn't believe he could be so bad at this.
“You're still gonna go back? To Hargrove?” Felix's voice darkened. “The guy's bad news, Wash.”
“I am.” Wash said, quietly. There seemed to be something on his mind, even as the waitress served Felix his dessert. He smiled at Felix. “Go ahead and start first. It'll melt.”
“Thanks for the cake.” Felix picked up his fork.
Wash's cake came a little later, and they ate in silence for a bit.
Felix knew that posh people didn't like it when others chewed with their mouths open, but he couldn't figure out how to talk and eat at the same time without also having his mouth open and filled with food. Wash seemed like the sort of person who would look straight into his mouth and be disgusted by the sight. Not that he'd cared before this, but the setting was everything. He was surprised that Wash brought him there, though; it was a nicer place than the bars they usually went to.
“You know, Felix. Don't take this the wrong way, but...”
“Mm?” Felix was still chewing his ice cream cake.
“I thought you didn't care about me.” Wash said, lowering his head. He cut a slice from his own cake, and rested his hands on the table. “I thought you would just let me go and we would never see each other again. I guess I was wrong.”
Felix quickly took a gulp of water to help swallow the sweet mush in his mouth quickly. He smiled, as charmingly as he could, before letting his emotions pour out. “Are you kidding me? That was partly my fault too, I mean... You can't just leave a friend when he's gone through that bullshit, you know? You have no idea how much I thought about you and wondered if you were okay.”
Wash seemed touched for a moment, before his eyes darted to Felix's mouth. Felix hoped that his teeth was clean enough. Come to think of it, Wash's teeth was perfect. Probably had braces at some point, like every posh dude born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
“If somebody hurts you, Wash, it's like I'm being hurt as well.” Felix said. He wasn't sure where it came from, but he felt like it was the right thing to say: true on some level, and probably convincingly effective.
He observed as Wash's cheeks flushed red, and their gazes met. Wash's expression was unbelievably tender.
Yes. That was the effect that Felix wanted.
“I...” Wash began, and stopped. His eyes were shiny, and his pretty lips stopped moving. He pressed them closed.
“Well, I'm glad that you're back.” Felix smiled, scratching the back of his head and acting like he wanted to defuse the situation with humour. “Don't wanna get all mushy on you or anything. Just like, don't disappear on me again, okay?”
The other man's cheeks were all peach-coloured, like the dessert was before he'd cut it with his fork. “I won't, Felix. I promise.”
Felix felt a warm glow emanating from his crotch. Perhaps being fucked by Hargrove was, indeed, worth it.
“If you need any help with the doctor's bills,” Wash said, looking up at him, “Just tell me.”
“Actually,” Felix said, thinking. He'd planned to look for a job, but with Locus paying for things here and there, he wasn't too worried about it yet. He wondered if this was the right time to tell Wash that he got fired because of Hargrove. “Somebody tipped my boss off about porn of me on the internet. I can't really look for a job like this, so I might just take you up on that offer, if you don't mind. I mean, I did it all on my own, it was a risk I was gonna take. I don't want you to feel bad about it or anything, it's just...”
Wash looked like he felt bad about it – Felix wondered if it was because he lost his job, or if it was because of Hargrove's treatment of him.
Wash didn't say anything else as he reached into his wallet and slipped him a few notes; Felix's eyes widened at how easily Wash had done it. “What? Are you sure?”
“Take it. Also, don't worry about finding a new job. I'll help you with that.” Wash stated, looking reassuringly at Felix.
Felix looked at Washington in disbelief. He knew of Wash's status now, because Locus told him, but in all of those years of friendship Wash had never once offered him anything of this sort. Wash always seemed like the humble, down-to-earth, regular sort of guy.
Granted, Felix also had mostly kept his job. This time, he'd lost it because he was trying to find Wash. Perhaps the other man understood, and felt guilty about that. Perhaps Wash did that because he was falling for him. Felix avoided talking about it directly, though; didn't want Wash to know that he knew about his status.
If Wash was indeed falling for him, Felix thought, he won't mind.
Anything to bind the other man to him: he was sick of losing things. Of having people abandon him. Of, in general, solitude. Not the sort of solitude that came from being alone, but the sort of solitude which was amplified by having to bend and twist to appear to others how they wanted to see him.
That was why he'd put off finding a job for so long. He was sick of selling his soul to a world that did not give a shit about it.
He thought of the people that he didn't have to put up a mask around. Sharkface had the tendency to disappear on him. Out of sight, out of mind.
Locus... Well, Locus was Locus. Felix thought he could trust him, for now, but he was not a friend.
Wash was perhaps the first real friend that he had in a long time.
Romance? If that was what it took to keep Wash, then he could totally do it.
“So,” Felix asked, “Is your place free now? I've been sharing my apartment since I lost my job, to help with rent.”
“Oh. I've moved, actually.” Wash lowered his head. “But yes, my new place is free. I am living alone now. You can come visit if you want to.”
“Nah, I don't mean to like, put any pressure on you. I just thought, if you want some time alone... Just, anytime you feel like it.” Felix waved his hand casually. “We don't have to do anything.”
It was, technically, true, but he was already imagining those pretty lips wrapped around his own dick. If being with Wash meant that he'd get more of whatever it was, he'd be down with that as well.
First things first, though. It wasn't as if Wash had said anything about being interested in him. Second, he couldn't give Wash the impression that sex was all he wanted, if he went from that angle. But if he didn't take the intiative, Wash wouldn't think he was interested, either. He had to be patient, and go for the middle path.
Anything to keep him.
Something like that was close enough to love, anyway; if pushed, he could simply say that that was what he did. Loved Wash. It would depend on how Wash reacted, though. He could always backtrack.
“Okay.” Wash checked his phone. “I'll see if I have time tomorrow night. I will text you in the afternoon, if that's okay with you.”
“Yeah.” Felix nodded. He looked at the half-eaten peach-like cake, as it toppled to the side, steeped in its own cream. He licked his lips and cut off a bit of the peach again, smearing it in the melted ice cream a little before putting it into his mouth. Like most posh cakes, it had a nice, rich taste to it, and wasn't too sweet.
Just the way he liked it. With substance, but not saccharine.
He licked his lips and smiled up at Wash. “I mean, whatever I've got isn't that important. I'd rather catch up with you. Just text me first.”
Wash's eyebrows lifted as he returned the smile, as pure and as genuine as the first time they fucked.
*
Felix lay on his front, watching as Locus got up from the floor.
“You can use the bed, you know.” He said. “It's large enough for the both of us, and I won't touch you if you don't want me to.”
“I'm fine.” Locus replied, hiding his gaze with his hair for a moment. Felix watched as those muscles stretched in front of him.
“When's the job interview?” Felix asked, kicking his feet lightly, out of boredom.
“Later this week.” Locus bent down, to stretch at his toes. Felix watched the buttocks casually. “Don't you have work?”
“Ah, about that.” Felix said, reaching for his phone. He waited as his game loaded. “I kinda lost my job. It's okay though, Wash said he'd help me.”
Locus froze a bit before standing, back straightened. “How is David doing?”
“He's fine. Better than you.” Felix replied, wondering why Locus insisted on calling Wash 'David' when that clearly wasn't what Wash wanted. No wonder they divorced. His game had finished loading, so he tapped “start”.
“Oh.”
“Why do you want to know?” Felix replied, tap-tapping the screen as the game began. “Aren't you already divorced?”
Locus stood in front of him now, hands on his hips. “We're still going through the legal proceedings. We've signed an agreement before we got married, so there isn't much disagreement over our property.”
“Huh. Why would you get married to somebody loaded and sign an agreement like that? Was it his or your idea?” Felix asked, genuinely curious. He paused the game and set it aside, looking up at Locus, who was still standing there, looking useless.
“It was my idea.” Locus admitted. “His family disapproved of our marriage, because they had plans for a heir. We had to do something to show them that it wasn't what they thought it was.”
“Why care about what they think?”
“You don't know the things that they said about me. About us.” The bitterness in Locus' voice was something that Felix never thought he'd hear. “To them, I was the one who recruited their son into a 'homosexual lifestyle'. All with the aim to get his inheritance.”
Felix raised one eyebrow at Locus. “You've gained absolutely nothing from being with a rich heir, then?”
“I became an accountant with his help.” Locus replied.
“So, it wasn't all for nothing.” Felix shrugged, and started up his game again. “Figures.”
“Don't say that about us.” Locus glared at him sternly.
Felix looked up from his phone nonchalantly, and was about to reply when Locus snatched the phone out of his hands, eyes ablaze.
Shit. Felix jumped, feeling mildly offended, but mostly a little scared.
“Whatever you choose to think, it wasn't like that. It was love.” With that, Locus tossed his phone back beside Felix. “Something you wouldn't know.”
The shorter man looked at Locus as he turned and stormed out of the room, mouth wide open.
*
Love.
Felix was still mulling over what Locus said, on the almost-empty late-night train. He hadn't meant to think about it, but now he did. It wasn't something he could talk to Sharkface about, since his friend had gone into hermit mode once again. The fucker hadn't even texted him to ask if his calligraphy had worked its charms.
Meanwhile, Locus staying inside the apartment all the time was driving Felix a little insane, so when Wash sent him the message inviting him over to his place, he gladly said yes.
Locus had apologised to him a little bit later, saying that he'd been too harsh on Felix. Felix, of course, hadn't even felt like he'd been insulted.
The fact of the matter was that Locus was right on the money. Felix didn't see why it should even be a bad thing. He'd thought about his parents, of how they stayed together out of duty rather than love.
He thought of how Locus and Washington parted, and figured that “love” was something that he personally didn't want to experience. It seemed to fuse people together in such powerful ways that fundamentally altered them, and when the schism inevitably came, everything seemed torn asunder.
Felix wasn't ever about to give himself up like that. He wasn't even sure if he was capable of doing that. Over the years, his soul had become something tenacious.
Devour to survive. So it is, so it's always been...
Felix hadn't been born like that; nor was he always strong.
Either way, the things that he'd been avoiding thinking about was resurfacing from his experiences with Hargrove. Suppressed memories.
Felix was great at not thinking about things. It was the source of his strength.
At least his ass had stopped aching, so he didn't need to see a doctor. He'd saved the money Wash had given him in case he wanted it back.
The train rumbled quietly forth, the movement of the scenery outside betraying its speed. It still took what seemed to be forever; Felix looked into his slingbag; checked to see if he had everything. Condoms, and lube – just in case, of course.
Still, he had given up so much for Washington. He'd even gotten fucked by one of the most despicable men on the planet (the man whose messages he was still trying to ignore).
Maybe that was some sort of self-sacrifice he never would have thought of doing, were it not for the lingering emptiness that he felt after Wash left.
Was that love?
It was the same sort of emptiness that he usually felt after a good night out. Even when he'd restrained himself and didn't throw up on the pavement, and there wasn't any hangover to make him want to die. The emptiness that threatened to devour him and split his consciousness into several irretrievable parts...
Felix knew who he was. He had always been certain of that. He knew that there were people who'd bang him, and there were people who'd be happy to know him as a person. All the more he didn't care to know them back.
What he didn't know was why this knowledge seemed to mean absolutely nothing sometimes.
In the time that Wash and him had gotten to know each other, he'd realised that it wasn't as if Wash had touched him profoundly or changed him in any of the ways love was supposed to. It was simply that Wash was there; physically there, mentally there.
And Felix didn't find him despicable.
Which wasn't what he could say for most people.
The absence of hate: was that love?
Felix looked at the sign at the train station, after it rumbled down a tunnel and back up to the surface. It was his stop. He casually zipped out of the train, still in deep thought.
No, it still wasn't love.
Either way, Locus had seemed so sincere in apologising that Felix thought he'd just forgive him for whatever infractions he thought he'd caused.
He got out of the gates at the train station, and prepared to stand there to wait around for Mr. Heir. Felix knew that Wash's alleged status and the way he gave him money did seem to make him a bit more attractive, but Felix was extremely conscious about that sort of deal.
He couldn't help that he was attracted to the superficial.
Wash was standing outside the station, looking at his watch with a patient expression on his face. Felix thought that perhaps him and Locus would have made a good couple, really; they were both capable of love, and they both thought of it as something serious.
He knew that there was something missing in his life, but it was a faceless amalgamation of things that made it so.
Felix knew when it began. Things had gone wrong since his conception, and, thrown into the world, he was just there for the ride, making the best of it.
Upon seeing Felix, a smile appeared on Wash's familiar face.
He was pretty, Felix thought. Handsome. Something nice to look at. Someone nice to be with. And rich.
That was enough, wasn't it?
*