Work Text:
An awkward silence filled Suguru's dorm room as Satoru stepped in. Usually Satoru was met with a warm embrace and a kiss on the lips; but today he was met with Suguru sitting on his bed, his once messy room now clean and mostly empty. It was like Suguru didn't even notice he had walked in, still staring blankly at the wooden floor under his feet, his hands resting on his lap.
Satoru closed the door behind him quietly, assuming that Suguru was maybe meditating or lost in thought even -- he did not want to disrupt his lover's peace. Carefully, he made his way towards the other boy, settling down on the bed next to him, following his blank stare down to the floor and struggling to understand what he could possibly be staring at.
The silence lingered in the air for a few more moments, Satoru contemplating whether he should say something or not — but Suguru beat him to it, speaking first “I am sick.” his words were spoken bluntly, so matter of factly, direct and almost drained.
Satoru frowns, his body turning towards him, confused “sick..?”
“My mind has a plague for there is no cure, it is killing me… ” Suguru replied, his head turning to meet Satoru´s confused stare, “I need to kill myself before it kills me.. I am sick of fighting it.”
Satoru blinked in confusion, his lips parted to say something -- anything, but nothing came out.
“Sometimes I find myself thinking, what is the point in all of this…. all of this suffering, and for what exactly? And sometimes I'll have a good meal, or read a good life changing book, or have the best night ever with my friends, with you — and I think, maybe this is what the point is. During those times, the suffering doesn’t seem so great, it’s tolerable even. But somehow I always end up in this same spot though.. these days, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, not anymore. To be frank, it hasn’t felt like enough for a long time now. I don't know how many good meals, or books, or nights out with friends, with you, I have left in me.. Maybe none. Maybe that’s why I'm here.”
As Suguru spoke, Satoru followed his gaze, he had stopped looking at him and returned to staring at the floor, staring awfully hard at nothing, just a vast sea of darkness and emptiness. He could feel his lips dry up, the urge to grab his face and have him turn around to just look at him, once more. But he felt frozen in place, trying to understand the severity of Suguru's confession. The whole reason Suguru had invited him to his dorm so suddenly was not to hang out, but to tell him that he was giving up?
“There are a lot of circumstances in which are simply out of my control, I suppose in a past life I must have done something so unspeakable that I had to be punished in this one, huh?” Suguru´s words fell flat, there was no emotion behind them, the monotoneness of his voice made Satoru tense up in anger, he could feel his hands ball into tight fists, his fingernails pressing into his flesh threatening to pierce it.
“It’s not fair that you get to talk so lowly about yourself in front of someone who loves you so much.” Satoru growled through gritted teeth. He was angry, and frustrated, but mostly angry at Suguru for speaking this way — as if he didn’t care, as if he wasn’t trying anymore, as if he was planning on attempting again and Satoru knew deep down that if Suguru attempted again, he would succeed this time around.
Suguru didn’t reply, he continued to blankly stare at the floor, kicking one of his legs that hung off of his bed. Although he was not speaking, or even looking at Satoru for that matter, Satoru could tell Suguru felt a sense of guilt for feeling this way — which in turn, made Satoru feel guilty for saying that to him.
There was a silence that hung in the air, marking the end of this conversation. The realization setting in that Suguru had invited Satoru over to announce that he not only was giving up, but that he would be killing himself, and that there was nothing he could say or do to make him change his mind.
Satoru took in a sharp inhale through his nose, allowing his fists to unclench, revealing small trickles of blood from how deep his nails dug into his skin.
“You should go.” Suguru whispered, his lips pressing together at the end of his request.
“What, so you can fucking kill yourself?” Satoru's anger bubbles up once more, he stands up off of the bed, standing directly in front of Suguru. He stood for a few seconds, taking in a sharp breath to gather himself before kneeling down in front of the other boy, his hands reaching out to clasp Suguru´s.
“I wish you loved yourself enough so you could love me too.” Satoru whispered, his hands squeezing Suguru's in his own as he tries to meet Suguru's avoidant eyes.
“I do love you.” Suguru whispered back, his dark eyes finally choosing to settle on Satoru's eyes that were filled with tears.
“It doesn’t feel that way..”
“No, don't say that. I love you..” Suguru breathes out, his voice cracking, “don’t say that.”
Satoru allowed a moment of silence to fill the air, tears were spilling from his eyes as he struggled to understand how Suguru could love him but also want to leave him here, alone. He couldn´t wrap his head around it, couldn´t figure out how Suguru was so okay with this, so calm about everything.
“You’re going to kill yourself anyway, what’s the point in trying to convince me you care.” Satoru spits out words like venom. He regretted them instantly, knowing that he was being mean when he should be showing more sympathy.
“That's not fair.” Suguru points out, his own eyes filled with tears as he shakes his head slightly, pulling his hands away from Satoru´s grasp.
“You're not fair!” Satoru exclaims, unintentionally raising his voice a tad bit too much, enough to make Suguru flinch. He closes his eyes, regaining his composure, wanting to be level headed in this moment — to not push Suguru any further off of the deep end.
“Suguru, just tell me what to do.. Please, tell me what I need to do” Satoru continued, his eyes opening as he reached out for Suguru´s hands, clasping onto them tightly.
Suguru didn't answer, his hands limp in Satoru´s as he sat there, staring not quiet at Satoru but more like behind him, at the wall.
“Please. I'm begging you. I'm literally on my knees begging you to tell me what it is I need to do. Please. Tell me. Please.”
Satoru´s pleas were meant with another wave of silence, a singular tear spilling from Suguru's eye and down his cheek as he continued to sit there quietly.
“I'll do anything. I'll be anything you want me to be. Suguru, if you want the moon I'll find a way to get it for you. Please. Please. Just tell me what to do to make you happy, please.”
Suguru´s lips dried up as he shifted his blank stare towards Satoru whose face was flushed pink, tears spilling from his eyes. Another tear fell from his eyes as he pulled his glance away from Satoru and towards the wall once more, not having it in him to say what he was going to say next.
“I wish I could tell you, but I don't know.” Suguru muttered softly.
*
Upon Satoru's request, the two spent the night together. And that night, once Suguru had fallen asleep in his arms, he had quietly slipped from his grasp and knelt down on the floor. His hands clasped together onto the bed, eyes closed tightly. “I don’t know what else to do.” His voice was shaky and soft. “They say during dark times, to seek God. So here I am..” He let out another breath, “Please God, if you’re really up there listening to me, please take all of Suguru's pain away, give it to me if you have to, but please help him.” The words he spoke were followed by a quiet sob, “please, I’m begging you right now, please.” His head rested against his hands as he shut his eyes tighter, “please, I’ll never ask for anything else ever again, I’ll attend church regularly, I swear to never use your name in vain again, please grant me this one thing that’s all I'm asking.” More tears started to spill down his eyes as he spoke, “he is all I have, don’t take him from me. Please, I will do anything, please save him, please.”
He stayed there for what felt like hours, waiting on his knees for a miracle to happen. He felt like if he begged hard enough that some higher being would take pity on him and Suguru's situation and change things.
He sniffles as he stands up, crawling back into bed where he held Suguru tightly, pressing his entire being into the small of the other boy's back, his arms clinging to his weakened frame so tightly he feared Suguru would break underneath the pressure of his arms.
Come the following morning, Suguru was dead.
*
Satoru looked around the room full of people, his hands shaking as he clutched onto the sides of the podium. “Hello, everyone.” He choked out, the words suddenly feeling incredibly heavy. He felt his mouth dry up as it hung slightly open, the words he had written down onto his tear stained notebook blurring as he stared at it. He mentally cursed at himself for his inability to speak right now, especially something as important as Suguru´s eulogy.
After a moment of silence, he took in a breath, looking up from his notebook and back into the crowd. The room was relatively crowded, filled with people who knew Suguru. He recognized a few faces from his time with him, feeling his stomach tie in knots as he scanned the room. “Thank you for coming.” He cleared his throat, his hands tightening against the podium, his knuckles turning white.
“Uhm..” He gulps down the lump in his throat, looking back down at his notebook. He had written Suguru´s eulogy a hundred different times, but nothing seemed to suffice. A tear slipped from his eye, falling onto the page in front of him. “Suguru Geto was..” He pauses, choking up on just saying his name. “Loved.” He finishes his sentence, a couple of people in the crowd giving him sympathetic glances.
He licks his dry lips, feeling his heart beat accelerate in his chest as he stands there, a room full of people waiting for him to continue.
“I, uhm..” He breathes out, unable to continue as tears fall from his eyes. What a cruel fate to not be able to save the love of your life and then have to carry the weight of speaking at their funeral.
“I had written what to say and I can´t even read it properly because there are so many tears in my eyes, my vision is all blurry” He laughs, gaining a few small chuckles from the audience.
“I was the one to find Suguru.” He continues, his voice shaky, “In his last moments, Suguru was not scared, but he was relieved. For the first time, in a very long time, he looked at peace, and I think that is very important for everyone to know.” He closes his eyes, allowing himself to recall that moment, a tear spilling from his eyes as he did.
“Suguru was the kindest person I knew, and I am not saying that out of pure bias because he was my boyfriend.” He lets out a laugh, despite this, tears continue to fall down his face.
“He would carry cat food in his bag in case he ran into stray cats, he would give up his seat on the train for people, and he would offer to tutor people in class. No one just does that, but Suguru did..” He brings the back of his hand up to his face, wiping away tears as he continues to speak. “I would admire how kind he remained to the world, despite the world being so cruel to him. Because, truth be told — Suguru did not deserve to suffer as much as he did.” He paused again, steadying himself, allowing himself to wipe away more tears that had fallen. He could see people in the crowd wiping away their own tears, some of them holding onto each other in comfort, others offering Satoru sympathetic smiles and silent words of encouragement.
“As angry, and hurt, and sad that I am that he is no longer here, I am so relieved that he found peace in the end.” He continued, smiling weakly, “What is love if not letting them go when they ask to be let go.”
He swallows another breath of air, “I loved Suguru Geto, and I will love him for the rest of my life. But I respect and accept his decision, and I encourage anyone who is holding on to any anger or resentment towards him to do the same. It is what he would have wanted in the end.”
He smiled again, a lot weaker this time, “I could stand up here and go on and on about how great he was…” He pauses, “was.” The word felt funny on his tongue, speaking of him in past tense was growing harder and harder to do. “I could also talk on and on about how much I love him, and how he changed my life in the best way ever. But I won´t, instead I´ll leave you with these words: forgive yourself for the things you can´t change, and accept the things that have happened as a cruel reality. Suguru's death is a cruel reality we have to live in now, and..” He could feel himself losing his composure again, “and yeah.. It´s life.” He pressed his lips together, trying to force a pathetic smile before running off of the stand and towards the nearest bathroom.
Once inside he fell on his knees in front of the toilet, hunching over into the bowl and allowing his body to gurgle up this morning´s toast. He feels a pat on his shoulder, Shoko offering a sympathetic smile as he turns to look at her.
“You did well, Satoru”
He smiled weakly, wiping excess saliva from his mouth.
“He´d be proud of you, you know.” She adds, extending a hand to help him up off of the floor.
“You think so?” He asked, towering over her as he stood up, eyes still red and puffy.
“I know so.”
He smiled the smallest bit, just barely there but there nonetheless.
“You´ll be okay.. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but okay eventually.” Shoko wraps her arm around Satoru´s, clinging to him as they make their way back out of the bathroom and to the funeral service. Someone else was talking, one of Suguru´s professors.
“Wanna get out of here, get some air?” She asked as they lingered at the side exit, watching as the professor talked about his ´star student.´
Satoru didn´t answer, his eyes focused on the casket that held Suguru´s lifeless body. He looked almost like himself, but not quiet. The foundation was too light, and his cheeks were too rosey, and the color of his lips was too dark. He hated how these things were reminders that he was dead, that the last time he would ever see him was in this form as someone who was almost him but not quite him.
“You know, as kind as Suguru was, if it was any of our funerals he definitely would have ditched to go smoke a cigarette. ” She adds, laughing slightly. Her laugh was airy and soft, there was a lot of sadness that was held in it as she nudged Satoru, slightly urging him to step outside with her to smoke a cigarette.
He reluctantly agrees, knowing that hearing all these people talk about Suguru would only depress him further. Once outside, the autumn breeze politely swirled around the two of them, a few colorful leaves danced in the wind amongst their feet.
“I know what you are thinking.” Shoko states, wasting no time in lighting the cigarette that she held in between her teeth.
“Hm?”
“You´re wishing that you could have saved him, spinning it over in your head what you could have done differently.”
“You´re good…” Satoru breathed out, taking the cigarette from Shoko´s hand and inhaling a puff so long that half the cigarette had burnt out.
“I know.” She smirks, trying to make light of the conversation before breathing out as well, “You did everything you could though, Toru.. ” Her tone was soft but with the right amount of firmness to remind Satoru that she was being serious.
“I know.. I mean I don't know but I do know..” He pauses, “I just feel like there was something more that I could have done..”
“You did everything you could have possibly done,” she takes the cigarette from him, taking a small inhale before speaking again, “I hope you are not beating yourself up over this.”
Satoru shakes his head, “It will be okay.”
As he said that, the clouds shifted ever so slightly, enough for the rays of sun to hit Satoru´s face. He closed his eyes, embracing the sunlight kissing his skin. In his head, perhaps this was Suguru's way of telling him that things will be okay, that he will be okay.
Fin