Archive of Our Own

Soap and Ghost were in Ghost's room after a hard day of training. Even when they hadn’t been out of the field they needed a way to rid themselves of their excess energy and train themselves to always be ready to jump into something strenuous, if the time called.

Ghost was at his desk scribbling away, his head resting on his left hand as he let out a jumble of frustrated noises as words escaped him. Soap was sat on Ghost’s bed, a common occurrence as of late, happily babbling away to himself, talking himself through his techniques and what did/ didn't work for him. He made notes to make sure to revisit those that did work, to add them to his regime and improve himself further and then what didn’t work so he could figure out how to incorporate something similar instead.
He muttered to himself as he wrote, something that he'd found helped self soothe. Something he'd usually keep to himself and the confines of his room, but since he’d spent more time in Ghost’s room, the habit had made itself known.

He was lost in his own head, content with his self-analysis as he recounted the day, until he heard a very frustrated Ghost mutter to himself.
"...I wish you'd just disappear..."

Soap packed his things up and left without a sound. Ghost didn’t even realise until a little later. — The next day, Gaz met Ghost in the mess bright and early, like usual, and asked him if he's seen the other sergeant.
“Morning, seen Tav yet?” Kyle was already sat, no food in front of him, which Simon found odd. “Morning, what’s he done now?” Simon pulled his chair out and sat. “Nothin that I know of, you seen him though?” “Not since last night.” The repetition of the question made Simon wary as he answered and watched Kyle’s features carefully.

They sit there in silence for a bit until Kyle fidgeted a little with his phone, swiping and pressing on the screen as he seemingly tried to refresh the page. “Alright Kyle, what’s this really about? What’s got you so antsy?” Simon couldn’t bear with the lack of explanation. Kyle locked his phone and put it on the table. “I haven’t heard anything from him yet.” Simon merely lifted a brow as he waited for a better reasoning. Kyle rubbed his face, he instantly looked more stressed. “He told me he hadn’t been doing too great recently, that he’s going through a bit of a rough spot.” Simon nodded, he hadn’t known from how Johnny had seemed so calm in his room. “He was in my room yesterday after training.” “So nothing out of the ordinary.” “Yeah. I was working on a report due today so I didn’t see ‘im leave. He usually stays until late so we can natter.” His brows furrow under the balaclava, enough for Kyle to see as his eyes look down at the table. The memory of last night running through his mind like a recorded video. The words that were scrawled on the page flashed up and his mutters echoed in his mind. He went stock still and his eyes widened. "Oh shit..."
"What?"
"I think he overheard me. Said some shit to the paperwork…” Kyle lifted an eyebrow. "Like what?"
Simon sighed, ".. I wanted it to disappear...” He shook his head and rubbed his face. He looked up to Kyle and stopped the action immediately.

What Simon didn't expect was for Kyle to freeze up. His expression turned very stern and serious as his eyes flicked up to lock onto his.

"We need to find him. Now."

—

The two raced across the base, checking in every place they'd usually encounter John, but they had no luck.
Gym? No John.
Mess where they had been hours before? No John.
Running track? No John.

Rec room where John would occasionally curl up after doodling and ‘accidentally’ have a nap? No John.

Kyle seemed to become more fidgety as Simon suggested areas such as the demolitions range or the gun range and Simon still didn't understand why. He didn’t understand why they had been running around the base for an hour either but there was something about the way that Kyle had asked and then reacted. He wouldn’t react so badly if something wasn’t wrong.

“Why would those places not be a good idea to check? He’s usually there after hours anyway, everyone knows he shouldn’t but he doesn’t get in trouble for it.”

"Tav doesn't really share when he feels like shit. He told me recently he wasn't feeling too great because of some shit with his family came up..."

Their heavy breathing was all that filled the air as the two jogged. "He never says anything about his family…” “Exactly.” Was all Kyle answered with and picked up the pace. —

After an hour or so of searching the base, the dread that filled them was almost suffocating. Kyle had let go of his rational thinking mind and searched anywhere he could think of. The urgency leaked into Simon’s actions as he followed Kyle without question. Behind the bins outside maybe? Under the tables in the mess?

They ran outside toward the obstacle course and searched high and low. Their desperation made them struggle to get through some of the sections as their minds are taken over by panic.

"Fuck fuck fuck, where is he????" Kyle’s eyes searched the surrounding area in a flurry. He had just clambered over one of the wooden structures for the third time in an attempt to see if John had appeared. Simon searched in the opposite direction, his eyes darting around just as erratically almost unseeing.

Then they catch onto something. Something that looked close to a figure laid down in the clearing behind the obstacle course.

Simon grabbed Kyle’s arm and ran over.

"Oh fuck..." Kyle sprinted forward as Simon slowed down, his eyes glued to the figures' chest.

"Soap? Tav mate, that you?" Gaz called as he got closer. “John?” That signature mohawk came into Kyle’s view and confirmed who it was.

Kyle put his hands on John’s chest and bowed his head. His breath finally caught up with him as he almost choked with how quick his breathing had become.
"Fuckin' hell Tav..." Simon waited and released the breath he didn't realise he was holding, as he saw Kyle’s hands raise with John’s chest.
He was breathing. Thank God.

"Christ, what the hell are you playing at...?" Kyle managed as he regained his breath.

John opened his eyes to look up at Kyle. They didn't hold any shine or glint like they usually did. They were completely void of any acknowledgement he was with them in that moment, glazed over and far away...
Simon was just glad he was awake and somewhat responsive.
That was, until he started to speak... "I'm sorry...
I'm sorry I am the way I am.
I'm sorry I can't be quiet like everyone else.
I'm sorry I can't be as good as everyone else.
I'm sorry I can't think like everyone else.
I'm sorry I can't live up to everyone's expectations..."

He paused. Kyle and Simon remained silent. "Of course I could never get away from their grasp, they knew they'd always have this hold over me. That I'd never feel good enough because they knew I wasn't in the first place. That's why they got rid of me, sent me off without another glance. Sent their baby boy off to war..." Kyle and Simon looked at each other with concerned looks. Usually Simon was famous for bottling things up. He’s been scolded and worked in a lot since being with the 141, but...
This seemed deep rooted and as though it had been festering for years...

"Maybe that's why they sent me off to war? To get rid of me finally...? Maybe a stray bullet? An infection perhaps...?"
He sighed, still looking far away and only just aware that there was someone else there.

Kyle and Simon had gotten their breath back but the confession made their breathing stutter and the grip on their hearts was something else. It only worsened when John spoke again... "If I could choose, I'd have neither. I'd rather just disappear..."

Simon’s heart felt like it was going to burst.

"It would be easy and painless. There'd be nothing to be scared of... Just not existing anymore...
Sometimes I feel like it would benefit everyone, including me...” The silence after was crushing. Such heavy admissions out in the open that the two of them were sure they weren’t ever meant to hear.

No one spoke for a while, they just let the words air out in the and slowly drift away.
They wouldn't be ignored, Kyle and Simon knew they needed to talk all of it through at some point, but now was not the right time.
After what felt like hours, the silence had turned more calming. The words still hung heavy in their hearts but John hadn’t mentioned anything more, which they took as a positive sign. They were at ease to spend time together in that moment, something that would ultimately be very important for the three of them. They slowly take John back inside. Kyle lifted John to sitting up and helped him onto Simon’s back, in a piggyback, while Kyle walked beside them. The walk was slow and John had fallen asleep fairly quickly. The soothing warmth that radiated from Simon had calmed his mind so much that he finally felt more safe. But both Kyle and Simon were far from calm. The buzz of awareness flowed through their veins. They hadn’t seen how such terrible thoughts had brewed in John’s mind. Not during or even after missions. Not even during down time or leave. From then on, they vowed to keep better tabs on John and then extended that to each other.
Even though John may be smiling and cheery, that didn't mean it reflected how he truly felt on the inside...