Chapter Text
Little Sammy made sure Dean was sound asleep before he started scribbling his confused fantasies and thoughts into a little spiral bound notebook he hid under his bed. Sam quickly locked the bathroom door behind him, sitting down with his back facing the door.
Sam opened his notebook and wrote;
I know I shouldn’t be saying this. But I mean, who’s to say that I can’t? If guys can be together, why can’t me and Dean? Dad doesn’t think I know but I heard him talking about some dead fags he found and that they deserved it. Later, I asked Dean what that word meant and he told me to forget it. So I asked around and I figured out it means you’re a boy who likes other boys. That’s so weird.
Today, I watched Dean change. I think he saw me. But he didn’t say anything. He has a lot of scars I didn’t know about. I know boys can’t be pretty but he is so pretty. He looks just like Dad. Well, the old photos I’ve seen of Dad. Dean is so strong. I want him to carry me around everywhere. I can’t explain it but I wish I could live in his ribs. Make a home on one of the bones. I could guard his heart like his rib cage does, y’know? That would be really cozy.
I have a lot of feelings that are floating around in my head but I can’t describe them. I’ve used a lot of ‘but’ today. I hope no one ever finds this. I don’t know why there's so much in me I can’t let out. The only tangible (I learned that word today) thought in my head is that I love my big brother.