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The cold air of an early morning made Woozi shiver, but he was up with the sun and ready for the day ahead no matter what. The giddy feeling in his chest reminded him too much of a feeling of being sick, yet he welcomed this feeling with an open heart, mind flooding with the memories of distant times.
2015. It was... a year, that’s for sure. Woozi was stuck in the recording room for days. Learning the ways from Bumzu, mixing the sounds, changing the lyrics, nit-picking the others while recording. He had to make sure everything was perfect. Not good, not great, not a simple yes, that`ll do. Each sound, each note, each chord, each word, each lyric, each member’s part. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
He was going crazy. Or maybe not crazy enough. Being the one behind 12 people’s possible frailer was doing its thing. So what if the last time he was at the dorm was 5 days ago. So what that the last thing he ate was the sandwich Bumzu had brought with him yesterday, when he was helping with the music computer program. So what if he managed to sleep maximum 6 hours in the whole week. No one else could do it, so he couldn’t back down now.
All of the members have already recorded their parts, the melody was ready, everything was done. But he stayed. He listened over and over again. He changed the pace. It didn’t fix anything. He tried using other singing parts. It only made the song worse. He rerecorded his own singing part. That wasn’t a good idea, considering his state now. Million versions of one song flooded his computer screen. But it still felt like not even one of them was enough.
So, yes, he was definitely going crazy. That’s why he jumped up when there was a knock on the door. A quick glance to the corner of his computer informed him that it was currently 2AM.
- Hey, are you alive in there? - A blond head appeared, opening the door slowly. Of course, it was Hoshi. He was probably also staying up late everyday, polishing up the choreo.
- What do you want? - Woozi looked back at his computer straight away, not even taking at least one of his headphones off. He didn’t have time. He had work to do. SO much work.
- I haven’t seen you since our last dance practice. Thought you died in this chair. – Hoshi came up behind Woozi, looking at the screen. - Damn, you made all these versions? Why?
Why? Because it was their FATE he was dealing here. And even after all these versions, it still wasn’t right. And now on top of the already existing, soul eating stress, Woozi had to deal with people. Well, one person, but Hoshi could easily replace a whole group with his energy.
- Because. Don’t bother me. I have work.
Surprisingly, there was no answer, or question, a joke, or anything. Hoshi just stood there, hunched over Woozi’s shoulder, but not too close, respecting the ask to not bother him. A few minutes passed by, and Woozi felt one of his earphones being taken out.
- Hey, what the hell? - He turned his head slightly to throw a sharp gaze at Soonyoung.
- Let’s go to sleep. - Hoshi looked right back at him, with the same sharp gaze.
- No, I told you, I’m still working. - It was a staring competition now.
- Jinoon. You’ve been staring at this file for 6 minutes, not doing anything. You need to rest. – Hoshi’s gaze softened and now there was a hand at Woozi’s back.
- What I need is for you to get the hell out of here. - He jerked, shacking the hand off of him, and turned around in his chair. The back of the chair managed to hit Soonyoung in the face, because of how close he was standing.
Woozi looked at the sound of the slap. Hoshi was standing with his eyes big, hand on the cheek and mouth agape. He looked like he was trying to say something, but he quickly shut his mouth. The previous soft gaze fell on the floor, his shoulders did too.
Fuck. Shit. Woozi was definitely going crazy, because his heart had never bitten this fast. He didn’t mean to. He was tired, he was sleep deprived, the thing that mattered to him and 12 others the most wasn’t going the way he wanted; he had no idea how to make it better, he was stuck and he hurt his best friend. The tears began to fall on their own.
- I’m sorry. - It was a mere whisper, but Soonyoug for sure had heard it, because he was now kneeling in front of Woozi, hands on his knees.
- Hey, hey, it’s okay. I`m fine. - He looked up at Woozi from where he was kneeling, expression so tender.
It all fell down. The exhaustion, the pain, the struggles, the demotivation from their situation, the burden. Everything felt too much, too big, too loud. Not good, not enough, not perfect. Woozi broke.
- I can’t do anything, - he began through the sobs, - I’m failing. You’re right. I`ve been going in circles, but the song is missing something and for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is. It’s the only thing you entrusted me to do and I’m failing. I`m sorry. You all deserve someone more professional. I can’t do it.
A hand was now wiping the tears away.
- Jihoonie, please breath. Don’t say things like that. You are our most valuable part of the team, - Soonyoung took his head into both of his hands, - please listen to me and what I have to say.
The vision was blurry and he still couldn`t breath normally with the tears not stopping, but Woozi nodded.
- We didn’t entrust this one you, hoping you can do it. We asked you to, because we know you are the only one who can. We all love the song. If you feel like it’s not finished yet, we trust your judgment fully. But you need to rest and take care of yourself. We can’t lose you, okay? We love you.
In what felt like forever, Woozi finally answered.
- Can you get me to the dorm? I don’t think I can walk.
Soonyoung smiled, stood up, and nudged Jihoon to get up, holding him in a side hug, as they walked out of the studio.
Diamonds are shaped under pressure. It was a thought that always crossed Woozi’s mind, remembering their pre-debut days. The exhaustion from that time still felt real, as he was beginning to get ready for the day ahead. Yes, it was tough, but he had other people to lean on. and he couldn`t ask for more. He remembered how embarrassed he felt after waking up one of the days on the couch of the dorm, clinging to Hoshi. He helped him get home from the studio that night, and vividly, both didn`t have the strength to get into the rooms properly. It was embarrassing, yes. But, oh, how grateful he was.
Their first win. An emotional day, of course. How could it not be. It started to feel like all of their hard work finally was paying off. The whole world of worries, that rested on Woozi’s shoulders was off, just for the moment.
They were backstage, some thanking the stuff members, some taking pictures, some calling their parents. Woozi stood to the side, silently crying. He couldn’t stop and he didn’t like that. He didn’t like all of the attention that came with crying in a crowd. But he needed to let all the feelings out, so he opted to staying hidden.
That was until he felt being picked up in a tight hug.
- You did it! - Hoshi yelled-whispering. He understood to not bring attention to them right now, thank God.
- What? - Woozi held tight onto the shoulders, startled by the impact of the hug. He felt himself being put down, but the hands hugging him didn’t leave. Only slightly shifted to hold his waist.
- You did it, - Hoshi’s face was beaming, smile so wide it hid his eyes, - you won.
- What are you talking about? We won, not just me.
- But you know, that it wouldn’t be possible without you, right?
- It would be impossible without any one of us. - Woozi rolled his eyes. The tears stopped.
Hoshi did have that effect on him. Tears stopping and smile appearing. But he would rather die than admit that.
- True, but, -
- No buts, Kwon Soonyoung, - Woozi flicked his forehead, starting to feel kind of hot from the hands on his waist, - we did it.
- We did it.
They stood there, with dumb smiles and little giggles. The euphoria taking over.
- God, - Hoshi stared at his face, the big smile dropping to a smaller one, with just the corners of his mouth, - I love you so much.
- What? – Woozi’s smile also dropped, but it turned to an open mouth with eyes blinking rapidly.
- The whole team loves you! We all do! - Soonyoung pulled his hands up, making huge motions. The "how much" members love him, - the fans as well!
He quickly turned around, ears reddening.
- Let’s go to the others, we need to take a group picture with the trophy, yeah?
And so, Woozi stood there by himself. Something even warmer than the euphoria from winning, spreading all over.
Woozi picked up an outfit. Nothing much. He was never the one to dress up. and today of al days, he couldn`t wait to go out. It was not typical of him, but oh well. He did change quite a bit, especially from their beginning days. Maybe it was the effect of growing up. Maybe it was the influence of the others. Of the other.
They were in the middle of their tour. A world tour. Sometimes when Woozi sits and thinks, it still baffles him how much has changed. They are famous now, they are performing in front of thousands of people, they are winning awards. The pressure is still there. He still feels as if their whole careers, even now, depend on him.
But now, making music is much easier. Especially with the member’s constant reassurance, Even more specially, with Hoshi’s. It was a wild ride, yet to Woozi the wildest thing was that someone like Kwon Soonyoung was so eager to be anywhere near with someone like Woozi.
They couldn’t be more different. Yet they were glued to each other’s side. And as much as Woozi put on a show of being irritated, he couldn’t imagine his life without the other. Cheesy, right. Woozi hated that.
Somewhere along the lines, Woozi realized that it was because he was hopelessly in love with his best friend. Worse, that he was scared shitless to do anything about it. So, he did what he does best. Made music.
- Jihoonie! Are you on your computer still? - the hotel room door opened and of course Soonyoung let himself in.
- Go away. - It was their usual banter, Woozi didn’t even turn to look at him.
- What masterpiece are you making now? - Hoshi let himself in not only into the room, but also into Woozi’s personal space. One arm on the back of the chair and the other on the table, hunched over, head almost on Woozi’s shoulder, looking at the computer screen.
- It’s nothing.
- Come on, Jihoonie dearest, - Hoshi pouted, - show me!
Woozi rolled his eyes, but he did make Soonyoung bring another chair and sit besides him, giving him the earphones.
Hoshi listened, expression unreadable, like when he is examining the dance routines, Woozi was confident enough in his creations now, but somehow his heart stilled, waiting for the reaction. It was Soonyoung, of course he’d love it. But this was a sing Woozi wrote thinking about him, so the nerves are understandable.
After what felt like 4 longest minutes in his life, Woozi exhaled seeing Hoshi smile.
- A masterpiece, just like I said. - usually, he would try to hug Woozi, following with even more compliments, but he sat still, his eyebrows frowning a bit, - did you write this from personal experience?
- Huh?
- "I’m scared someone might know my heart, I only dream of you, that’s all I want"? Is this about your past life or something?
- No, it isn’t.
- Current love?
Woozi’s face felt flushed, he scoffed and started to wave his hands around.
- What nonsense are you saying!
- I am right! Look at you! - Hoshi pulled his chair closer, practically shoving his face into Woozi’s.
- Is Jihoonie in love? - he almost sang. Noticing the silence from the other, Hoshi’s face quickly dropped, almost hurt, but he brought his smile back just as quickly. Woozi noticed. Of course he did. He noticed everything when it came to Hoshi. - You can tell me anything, I`m your best friend, right?
- Best friend, right. - Woozi pushed him a bit away, gaining the space to stand up.
He flopped onto the bed, suddenly feeling that it was 1AM and they are in the middle of their world tour, performing, practicing, dancing and jumping around all day long. Hoshi followed, close enough to roll over and be on top of Woozi, but he let there be space between them.
- I really loved the song, you know?
- I know, you told me.
They laid on the bed, both staring at the ceiling.
- It’s just that sometimes it feels as if you don’t hear what I say.
- What’s that supposed to mean?
Ignoring the question Hoshi rolled to his side, away from Woozi.
- The lyrics are great, - he started, - but I think I’d change them a bit.
Woozi was more than confused. Soonyoung had never had a problem with suggesting to add or change something about a song. Why was he shy all of a sudden?
- Adding the verse, - he continued, - something like "can’t see you see me for who I am? Don’t you know my heart?"
Something clicked.
- Are you also in love with someone right now? - Woozi sat up, looking over at Hoshi.
- So you are in love! - Hoshi rose up, as quick as a tiger, big eyes looking at Woozi, - Jihoon, why didn’t you tell me!
- Why didn’t you tell me as well?
They stared at each other, tension beginning to rise.
- It’s different. So, who is it? - Hoshi laid back down, but this time looking at Woozi, making a funny face, like a teenage girl ready for some gossip. Woozi was having none of it.
- Don’t change the subject back to me. How is it different? You always run your mouth off and this is the thing you decided to not tell me?
Maybe it was the tiredness, maybe it was the years of pinning, maybe it was the jealousy, maybe it was the fact that his best friend didn’t trust him with something so personal, who knows? But something was definitely heating up inside of Woozi’s heart.
- Why are you getting so angry about it? I didn’t want to burden you with more of my useless talk, as you say it.
- This is not useless! This is like the only thing you`ve told me that is NOT useless!
- Ouch. - Hoshi pretended to be shot in the heart and closed his eyes playing dead.
- Kwon Sooyoung. - Woozi hit him in the stomach. Too light to actually be considered a hit.
- Okay, okay, - Hoshi opened his eyes, lips sealed into a thin like, - I’ll tell you. Promise to not get mad?
- I’m already mad.
- Fair. Promise this will not change anything between us then? - the only time Woozi had seen Hoshi this scared was during their evaluation in Seventeen Project. What the fuck was he hiding?
- Why would anything change?
- Just, please.
It pinged Woozi’s heart. Now he was scared as well. Great.
- I promise.
Hoshi inhaled and exhaled loudly.
- It’s a man.
- That’s it? Did you really think I would-
- And it’s you. I like you.
One. Two. Three. God knows how much time had passed. Hoshi was there, with his eyes closed, having laid his heart out. And there was no reaction.
- Please say something, I’m about to explode. - He said finally daring to open his eyes. Woozi was crying.
- Jihoonie, why are you... - he sat up, cupping Woozi’s face, wiping the tears on an instinct, stopping and letting him go, - uh, sorry.
- You are so stupid. - Woozi answered, grabbing Soonyoung’s arm before it left too far from his face, - I like you too.
- What?
- Just fucking kiss me or something, please.
And who was Soonyoung to refuse?
Now that Woozi really thinks about it while getting out of the house, on his way to a train station, nothing drastically changed since their first kiss. They were glued to each other even before all of that. Constant praises, compliments were always there. Maybe he was too caught up in his own mind to notice that Soonyoung was sending him signs. Soonyoung, oh the all loving Soonyoung. How did Jihoon manage to get him?
How did he manage to get someone like Soonyoung? A thought that was already in the head quickly grew, as their relationship also grew. It was one thing to think Hoshi was just really friendly, they spent a lot of time together in the group, they’ve seen each other at their worst and best, so of course he at least tolerated being friends with Woozi. But now that they were dating, everything felt different. Why on Earth would Hoshi willingly date Woozi?
He didn’t initiate any affection, he complemented little, he acted annoyed, he wasn’t a fan of couple things and he had a mainly man disease, so it was practically impossible for him to say cheesy words like I love you.
Yet Hoshi was still with him, three years later.
He wasn’t completely heartless, of course. They wore couples’ clothes, he tended to compliment Hoshi’s performance more than others, and at they closed doors he did allow himself to be a bit clingier. But, again, it felt not enough. Not good. Not perfect.
Jihoon had a problem that was eating him alive. Again. But this time the person who was his salvation is at the root of the problem. And this time the problem affected them both.
It was noticeable. To the members, even to the fans, Especially to Woozi.
They were in the middle of filming a program. All the boys living together again. Hoshi, busier to shine in front of the cameras, having other members who willingly indulged in his shenanigans, Woozi felt the loneliest.
If I don’t change, would he leave me? Was all that he could think about.
So, he started small. Brought Hoshi his medicine in the morning. Made sure he didn`t drink past his limit to not wake up with a raging headache. Asked him to go together on little errands. Cooked his favourite food. He tried.
It was almost midnight, when he suggested going out for a walk. The sky was covered with stars and the moon shined brightly. He brought an extra jacket, because he was sure Soonyoung wouldn`t have his with him. They were walking side by side. Hoshi threw his arm, around Woozi’s shoulders.
- The moon is really pretty tonight, right, Jihoonie?
- It is.
It was silant again. Until.
- Did I do something? - Hoshi spoke up.
- What? Why?
- You are acting different, so I thought...
- What do you mean by different? - Did Soonyoung finally realize how bad Jihoon was at this relationship thing? Was he about to break up with him?
- Well, you are taking care of me more.
- What? - Woozi stopped, - is this what you think is different? Do you not like it?
- I do! of course I do, - Hoshi also stopped throwing his hands up protectively, - it’s just. You were never really into it?
- I’m sorry. - Woozi downed his head. Of course, Soonyoung knew how bad of a boyfriend Woozi is.
- Hey, why are you apologizing? I love the attention from you, I really do. It’s just a pretty drastic change, so I thought maybe I did something wrong and it was your way of trying to let me go gently? You know, like giving chocolate to a dog that’s dying,
- This is a horrible comparison.
- I know, I know, - Hoshi squinted his eyes, - so, are you breaking up with me?
- No!
- Okay, good, - he smiled, taking Woozi’s hand in his, - so, what’s up?
- What’s up? Really? I`ve been killing myself thinking that YOU were going to break up with ME, because of how shitty I am as a boyfriend, so I started to change the way I act, and all you say is a what’s up?
- Why would I break up with you?
- Because! You even said it yourself! I show you a tiny bit of affection and you’re thinking I’m breaking up with you! That’s not normal!
- Jihoonie, - now Soonyoung took both of Woozi’s hands in his, - you show me plenty pf affection.
- Yeah, right.
- Yes, right. Baby, you write me songs! Do you know how much more I enjoy performing, knowing that I am performing something you made? Especially, if it’s something you made for me and only me. You have no idea how happy I am when you kick others out of your studio, but I’m allowed there at any time. I can even bother you, while you are working and not get a punch in the face! You make me bits, when I’m bored so I could do my stupid freestyle raps.
- It’s nothing much, - Woozi mumbled.
- Maybe to you, but it is very reassuring to me. And not only all that. You write songs not only for me, but about me. Every time you show me a song with that cute blush on your ears, I know I was the inspiration. And those are the times I felt the most loved, the most seen. Only you can do that, Jihoonie.
- Stupid, - Woozi let go of one of Hoshi’s hands just to punch him in the chest.
- I am. So, so, so stupidly in love with you. - and at that moment Woozi thought that Soonoyung’s smile was shining brightly than the moon, - I love you.
- Me too.
Getting out of the train station, Woozi couldn’t contain his excitement. The weather was not perfect, but to him, everything is. He couldn’t even imagine that a day, when he doesn’t strain himself to reach for perfection would ever come, that he could enjoy his life as it is. That he will love and feel loved. Not only that, that he will love loudly. But, as Jihoon had long realized, Kwon Soonyoung had no difficulty in changing him.
They were on a tour once again. This time just the two of them. Hoshi and Woozi. Something both of them only dreamed about. But since the enlistment was coming up, the company was more than happy at the thought of a new unit. It felt surreal. Performing solo songs, performing duet songs, going to the interviews. Just the two of them. Hoshi was his ever-loving self, nothing different, always beaming with energy. It was contagious, and now Woozi didn’t have the luxury of other members taking the spotlight. So, in every interview, in every promotion, the whole world was finally seeing, that Hoshi wasn’t the only one energetic and loving. Woozi would do anything, if Hoshi was by his side. Maybe that’s why he said it.
I love you. In front of a thousands of people. In front of their parents, during a live online streaming. Loud and clear. I love you.
So now he was bombarded with tight hugs and little kisses all over in their bedroom.
- You said you love me!
- We've been dating for like 7 years now and you didn't know that I love you? - Woozi made a disgusted face, but no actual attempts to free himself. And he could if he wanted to.
- I knew! I know! It's just, you never say these things. I got an I like you before our first kiss and that's it!
Ouch.
- Sorry.
- No, no, no! I'm not saying it as a bad thing. I just... - Hoshi stopped the kiss attack to look into the eyes of his love, - I love you so much.
- I love you too.
- Stop, you're going to kill me! - Hoshi buried his face in Woozi's chest, hug tight as ever, - I will miss you like crazy.
- I will miss you too.
And just like that, Woozi was at the place he never thought he'd be happy to be in. There were lots of people, the atmosphere beaming with happiness, but he was sure, no one there was as happy as him. Well, maybe one more person.
- Jihoonie! - a familiar voice yelled from the crowd.
There he was. Kwon Soonyoug. The polar reason for Jihoon's whole life he would say.
Not wasting a second more, he ran. Right into the arms of the most precious person in the world.
- I missed you so much! - Soonyoung whispered into the shoulder, hugging his partner.
- We saw each other during holidays.
- Come on, let me have this.
- Alright, - Jihoon exhaled, tightening the hug, - I missed you too.
Breaking from the hug, they saw each other's smiling face.
- Well, shall we go to ride a train and tell each other all about our lives?
- Of course, you promised that. - Jinoon started to turn around to the way out, - oh, right! - he suddenly came on his tippy toes to whisper right in Soonyoung's ear.
- I love you.