Chapter Text
Run did he, from mirrored stares
Run did he From clutching claws of despair,
From harrowing nights where silence screamed,
And shadows mocked the life he dreamt of.
Along treacherous paths where the long roads bend,
Petunias bloom where light should have ended.
They followed his steps through the midnight song
It followed him close from dusk till dawn,
A thorn crowned soul he could never pawn,
Never yielding, never still, It drank his soul,
it bent his will.
So not once did he, nor ever might,
Escaping the shackles of one's self spite
For hatred’s voice was all he knew,
The deeper he ventured,the deeper it grew.
Perfection came with many synonyms, but Miya Atsumu was never one of them.
Atsumu hated that. He hated that fact with every single fibre of his being. Why couldn’t he just be perfect? Why couldn’t he just be born different?
Everything would’ve been fine if he just had the natural talent to even do anything. But instead he was just as worthless as a piece of garbage. He thought he could keep these thoughts of uselessness at bay. Heck, he was doing fine for a couple of years even! So why did it have to come back now?
There he sat, on the floor of his dark and unlit bedroom, alone and a mess; not wanting to be seen by anyone. Especially not in this vulnerable state of mind. To distract himself,Atsumu clutched at the locks of crudely bleached hair in his fists as all these invasive thoughts kept swimming around in his head, body rocking back and forth in a soothing motion as if it could mitigate his suffering. What would they, his fans, teammates, and close acquaintances all think of him?
His heart palpitated wildly at the mere thought of people's opinion on him. He couldn't bear to know such information. Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes, struggling to breathe in and out. Atsumu effectively became a prisoner to his own mind, unable to escape the rhetoric of the voices in his head. It deeply influenced his opinion regarding his own self worth. And truth be told, he hasn’t felt this terrible ever since high school– and that was quite the feat to overcome.
He tried shutting his eyes as to allow himself some reverie, but that moment kept replaying in his head, over, and over again. No matter how hard he tried, he just could not let it go. It plagued his mind in and out. He just couldn't push the thought away. It haunted him to his very core.
Everything would’ve been fine, if only he didn’t fuck up his overall performance during their most recent match. Atsumu just felt off. They were so close to victory, they would have won. But no. Due to Atsumu’s own incompetence, they lost the game. His sets were too sloppy, his serves were off and his moves became predictable. So on and so forth.
Despite the amount of times his teammates yelled about how they, “Don’t mind!”, which they rarely ever did, Atsumu could feel the disappointment weighing down on him like an anchor; building up the pressure from within. It was like he was a balloon filled with water, waiting to pop at any moment and cause disaster.
With every failed attempt at a serve, he felt thousands of stares stabbing into the back of his neck like multiple centimetre long needles jabbing into him all at once. It was almost like he was being scrutinised under a microscope, being poked and prodded in order to see his next course of action. All the stimuli causing his mind to wander a bit. He could feel the sweat sliding off his temples as he desperately tried to regain focus from the feeling of impending doom swirling in his stomach at the time.
What made things worse was the fact that if it weren’t for him and his fumbles, they would be eating out at an izakaya right now, drinking alcohol while cracking stupid jokes and laughing to their hearts’ content. His coach, teammates, and fans wouldn’t have to go home unhappy if they didn’t lose the match. He truly let everyone down. He really outdid himself this time. Atsumu was really scared of what people thought of him. What if others were to think that he was just a burden to the team, a useless nobody who contributes nothing.
At this rate, tears were steadily streaming down his face while his chest heaved up and down as he struggled to even breathe. Was he always this pathetic? God, at this rate, no one would think this was the same man who was known to be so seemingly carefree and confident. They would probably laugh or be immensely disgusted seeing the state he's in. Noting that he was a fully grown man with his knees drawn to his chest while weeping incessantly like some child under the age of ten. He was the epitome of being pathetic.
In a desperate attempt to compose himself and divert his anguish elsewhere, Atsumu pulled hard at his scalp; hoping the pain would take these feelings away and potentially distract him from the thoughts swimming around in his mind. Ridding him of his burden. With every tug, he could physically feel the strands of poorly maintained hair being torn away from its follicle.
The feeling teetered on the fine line between pain and discomfort but it didn’t work in sating him at all. So he pulled harder, harder and harder. When that still didn’t work, he then decided to do something more… effective. With his mind being corrupted with the feeling of anguish, the blonde man then decided to strike the top of his skull repeatedly with as much force as he could muster in that moment using his fists. At least this time the pain seemed to double, but it did nothing to dissipate the thoughts.
The notions of his uselessness only seemed to echo louder in his head. It was egging him on, never leaving him alone. He tried his best to avoid his teammates concerned and questioning stares back when the match had just concluded in their defeat. Never once did he want to shrink in on himself so badly. Atsumu was pretty sure if he hadn't left so early on things would've gotten pretty ugly.
He knew that Bokuto or Shoyo, being the absolute sunshines they are, would try to break the tense atmosphere formed by the team's unusual quietness, but Atsumu wasn't having any of it and made quick work of packing so he could be alone in his safe space faster. He did not want to spend any more time there. Especially not when the likes of Sakusa Kiyoomi, or better known as Omi, was there. He knew the man well enough to know that he would confront Atsumu about his, for lack of a better term, shitty performance. Usually his bluntness would get him all fired up to provoke the man even more but he was not having it this time. So Atsumu left before that could even happen. He didn't need to be reminded of why he didn't deserve to stand next to them on court.
Atsumu almost thanked himself for his quick course of action as he continued to beat his skull repeatedly, the pain only intensifying with every swing all the while the continuous influx of salty tears kept cascading down his face. He swore he could feel his brain tremble against the soft cushioning of his meninges.
But it's okay, he deserved this after all.
He was the one that brought the team down with him all because he wasn’t feeling like it. He was the one who did so poorly that they lost.
Who knows how long he went on for, but once he felt a headache forming from all of the external blows he’s subjecting himself to, Atsumu took it as a sign to call it quits. He really didn’t want to weigh anyone else down with his problems if he were to get a serious head injury. He was already enough of a burden to even think about causing anymore issues.
Although his troubling beliefs never truly died down, he was too spent of all his energy to continue doing such a labour-intensive undertaking, especially after he just finished a game a few hours prior. He then curled in on himself, as he slumped on the cold, dusty ground, just as he continued to sob uncontrollably for what seemed like a millennium. He couldn't stop the tears from escaping him, couldn’t stop the choked sobs, couldn't stop the voices that said all those hurtful albeit truthful things. Why does he always have to mess things up? What was wrong with him? He felt absolutely miserable.
He doesn't know how much time has passed but by the time Atsumu had opened his eyes, he could see light poking through the blinds that covered his windows.
He felt gross. Dried tears and snot clung to his face as he still adorned yesterday's attire. If anyone, especially Omi-kun were to see him in this state, their face surely would scrunch up in pure disgust. The last thing Atsumu wanted to do was to accidentally get on someone's bad side again.
Deeming that a good enough reason to freshen up, he begrudgingly stood up and strolled his way to the bathroom of his tiny one-room apartment.
His limbs ached in ways that were normal for a professional volleyball player to have, especially after competing in a match but even more so considering he slept on the hard wooden floor. Maybe passing out cold on the ground wasn’t a good idea.
By the time he reached the bathroom there was an unmistakable tremor in his leg. Atsumu ignored it as he opened the door and made his way inside. What was he supposed to do, anyway? Magically will it to stop trembling?
As Atsumu turned to look at the mirror on the wall, he slowly backed away from his reflection in pure horror at the state that he's in. His hair was dishevelled, pointing in all possible directions with two very dark and prominent circles resting under his bloodshot-red eyes. It was painfully obvious he looked like he got no sleep whatsoever.
And oh God, he hadn’t even registered the fact that he is going to need a lot of concealer if he wants to cover those eyebags. Atsumu wondered why he looked so unkept, obviously disregarding the fact he fell asleep on the floor like some rodent.
Suddenly, the events of the previous night flashed through his mind, worsening Atsumu’s mood immediately by tenfold.
As the thoughts of his self worth not only as a teammate but also as a person crossed his mind once again, Atsumu covered his face, unable to bear the sight of himself in the mirror. He then cowered behind the very hands that caused his ‘failure’ the previous night; not wishing to face reality. The crushing weight of shame burdens him heavily. Was this how his family or friends felt whenever Atsumu would do something so blatantly foolish in public spaces? Or in his brother’s words, whenever he “Mentally regresses by five years,”. Because if so, Atsumu wouldn't wish to have a family member or friend like him even upon his worst enemies and boy, did he have a lot of those. Not even did people on social media like him, mostly driven away because of his rotten attitude.
Granted, Atsumu couldn't do much about that. He knew it mostly revolved around his personality. But it wasn't as if he didn’t wish that he wasn't so obnoxious and unlikable most of the time. According to what other people say, they often call him a big fat jerk. He even recalled the first time Osamu had brought up the fact that people around them were not fond of Atsumu. His first response was to say "So?" but it stirred something deep within him. It was an unfamiliar feeling at first, but as he grew up, it became the only thing he knew. Was it deep resentment? Disappointment? Even he didn't know the answer to that.
Suffice to say that title really made a big blow to his self-esteem growing up, but he decided to play along anyway, just so nobody could see how pathetic his vulnerable side was.
Then it dawned on him that he was still in the bathroom. He decided that if he were to have another mental breakdown, it would not be there. Thus, he quickly made work to freshen up a bit before he made plans on what to do.
Time quickly passed and Atsumu was now lounging on the sofa of his tiny, yet comfortable living room. There was no practice scheduled for the weekend and he had nothing better to do, so he decided to spend his leisure time doing whatever he could do to pass the time. Instead of wallowing in self pity due to the events that occurred the night prior, Atsumu decided to be a bit productive and clean around the house, figuring that a clean environment would lighten up his mood. However, he found something that made him begin to rethink his decisions, and ultimately made him stop doing whatever altogether.
He had discovered an old photo album.
It was a rather large and thick yellow photo album, dated from the late 2000 up until early 2014. That's when it finally clicked into place for him. It was an old photo album of him and his twin brother, Osamu from when they were around 5 until 18.
This album held a lot of reminders of a childhood that Atsumu had long since tried to forget about. In all honesty he didn't want to open it and relive all the memories he so desperately tried to bury away. But against his better judgement and with nothing better to do, the blonde man decided to flip through the pages.
Ever since he first gained consciousness as a child, things were never the way he wanted them to be. It could be something as minuscule as his clothes being slightly wrinkled to something as big as failing to perfect his grades; always failing to appease his mother.
Atsumu was a perfectionist through and through. Everything had to be ideal and precisely calculated beforehand because nobody wanted anything to be below perfect, and that included him. But he couldn't have that. After all, the world is an unfair place. He was only a child, barely hitting his preteens, when that realisation hit him. But it was okay, if fate didn't want to cooperate, then he'll bend it to submission. He would find a way, as naive as he was.
The first time it hit him was when he realised that having your sibling be more naturally talented than you at the one thing you are really passionate about can really screw with someone’s mind, more than anything else.
Atsumu was devastated when he learnt that Osamu was just as good, if not better than Atsumu when he first picked up a volleyball for the very first time. This moment was the beginning to when the feelings of jealousy and bitterness towards his own brother racked through him. That doesn't even include the fact that Atsumu had been playing for quite a while before his twin did.(Although it was merely by a two weeks). And it wasn't like Osamu had that much passion for volleyball. Well, not as much as Atsumu did. In fact, his twin merely had a competitive streak to out-do him in every aspect. That fact pissed him off even more. It felt like rubbing salt into a wound.
But that’s okay. He’ll just have to live with it and learn to share it. (Just like how he has to always share everything else, but Osamu didn’t have to share a single thing.)
Surprisingly, when his twin came to the conclusion that his inner passion lies elsewhere when they were both 17, Atsumu wasn't really all that surprised. He was, however, upset that his twin could just give up on a lifelong dream they shared. It was totally not due to the fact that he was just coming to terms with how he was forced to share his passion that made him his own individual with his brother because ‘twins share everything’.
Not to mention the perfect reputation they had as a force to be reckoned with, was thrown away instantly overnight.
He remembered them having a huge fight about it. At first it started off mild, as in they were ignoring each other’s presence for about an entire week. But once the other heard their twin murmuring about the other in a negative light, punches were thrown here and there as scathing remarks followed suit. They eventually got over it, but Atsumu still felt a bit betrayed and saddened that his very own flesh and blood would abandon one of the very few things that made them grow close over time.
Despite all of that, ever since they were born, Atsumu and Osamu were akin to two peas in a pod, almost inseparable. Neither could go anywhere without the other following suit a mere moment later. Well, that was all until they started to grow older. It's truly a shame to see how strained their relationship was to become as time progressed.
Although they were identical twins, the difference between Atsumu and Osamu couldn't be more apparent. Atsumu was loud and outspoken while Osamu was more reserved and had a cooler temperament. This showcased how they were like the sun and moon, opposites but always a pair. People always drew comparisons between the two, saying how different they truly were.
Unfortunately for Atsumu, his demeanour proved to be a point of contention of conflict for most people, including his own family. Even though never stated explicitly, Atsumu could always sense that everyone secretly preferred his twin brother more over him. That fact rang as a constant reminder there will always be a ‘better Miya’ and it was not him.
He vividly recalls those moments where his parents would always come to Osamu’s defence first whenever conflict arises between them. Of course, who was actually in the wrong never really mattered as they subconsciously favoured Osamu more as they deemed Atsumu as the problem child. Despite them insisting that they don't have favourites.
He may be stubborn and arrogant at times, but Miya Atsumu was not stupid.
He saw the annoyance and disgust in their mother's eyes whenever Atsumu threw a tantrum as a toddler. He saw the way she would be gentler towards Osamu even when scolding him compared to how she was when scolding Atsumu. He saw how his father would get treats for them that only his twin liked whenever he came back from work abroad. Of course it had to be Osamu, pride of the family, good old Osamu, perfect lil’ ‘Samu.
But Atsumu wasn't that petty. If that were all, he would still have somewhat of a relationship with his parents. No, the straw that broke the camel's back was when he was around 16.
Atsumu had just come home alone from school while Osamu went to hang out at his friend Suna's place. As he stumbled into the very place he called home, the first thing he noticed was the stench of alcohol, which was unusual considering his mother only drank when the twins weren't around. Atsumu knew it couldn’t be his father as the man is always away on business trips to other countries. His father was rarely home. Which only left his mother to be the only possible person to be drinking away at home.
Atsumu didn't think much of it though, since he just came back from school. Perhaps his mother was already drinking beforehand.
Quickly taking his shoes off, he yelled out a greeting in hopes of getting a reply, but nothing came back. That was fine, maybe his mother was just too drunk to even register that someone was home. Thinking nothing of it, Atsumu walked towards the direction of where the stench culminated from, only to see his mother in the kitchen holding two pieces of paper.
He really did not want to bother her considering they weren't really on the best of terms. He doesn't really know what she's like when she's drunk so it's best to avoid her altogether. He slowly tiptoed his way towards his room but that was to no avail.
“‘Samu, ‘s that ya?” his mother called out, accent thickening being under the influence. Of course her first instinct was to call out to his twin. Never him.
“No Ma, ‘ts me, ‘Tsumu,” he replied after some deliberation. Wincing a bit as his line delivery came out sounding a bit forced.
His mother had always been more lenient towards his twin than she ever was towards Atsumu, despite him looking more like her than Osamu in terms of hair and eye colour. So it was a bit obvious who her favourite was. But that fact didn't brace him for what was to come next.
“Oh,” she responded, not bothering to hide the disappointment in her voice. “Mind gettin’ yer ass over here?” and oh, that was new. His mother using crass language? She never did that. He inwardly gulped, heart hammering against his rib cage in fear.
He hesitated at first, but went anyway, not wanting to cause more trouble than he probably did. There she was, standing while holding the two pieces of paper from earlier. Now that he was closer, it looked eerily familiar.
Shit. That was his and Osamu’s test results that they got the other day. How did she get her hands on them? Did she go rummaging through their room again? Either way, dread filled him as a pit formed in his stomach in fear and anxiety. What was she going to say?
As the realisation dawned on him, he sheepishly cast his gaze downwards, wanting to avoid the scrutiny of his mother's glare. He knew he didn't do as well as what his expectations were, and if it didn't meet his, then it certainly didn't meet his mother's. She had always been strict when it came to how they did both academically and co-curricular wise.
“‘m sorry Ma–,” he pleaded but she cut him off before he could even continue.
“Yer damn useless, don'cha know that? ‘cus what do ya mean ya got a B in biology while ‘Samu got an A!” she chastised. He froze.
Of course his mother only wanted the best. Only A’s or S’. Nothing else could ever satisfy her.
“How on god’s green earth didja manage to do so fuckin’ bad in this class, I could never fuckin’ know. I never raised ya like this. Oh wait.” She sneered, oblivious to her son’s frozen stature. “‘f course, yer too damned focused on that stupid sports of yers,” Every single of her remarks felt like a knife being stabbed repeatedly into the same area of injury. Atsumu looked down, trying to make the tears in his eyes go unnoticed.
She continued, “I swear yer a fuckin' curse disguised as a blessin’ cus I gave birth to twins. Yer damn near useless, good for nothing, and dumber than a rat gettin’ stuck in a mousetrap. Not to mention yer stupid fuckin’ obsession with that damned volleyball. If ya were any good at it, I wouldn't be so fuckin’ mad. But here ya are! God, if I had the choice, I wouldn't even have ya!” The instant she blurted the last sentence out, a look of shock briefly ran across her face, as if surprised she managed to say such a thing. Before his mother could say something, anything, to either salvage the situation or make it worse, Atsumu bolted off to his room; not looking back.
As soon as he clicked the door to his bedroom shut, he finally let himself sob. For the nth time in his life, Atsumu rethought about his value in life, his worth to live.
Was he really as useless as his mother made him out to be? Did any of his mother's criticisms hold merit? He may have not known the answer but he really hoped it wasn’t true. (He ignored his rationale saying otherwise.) Atsumu already considered himself to be unlikable was enough, but to think that he’s fucking useless on top of that? He didn’t even want to consider that option.
Was he always like this? Why couldn’t his mother accept him the same way she did with Osamu? Were they really that different?
Yes. Yes, of course they were. The one thing that he really couldn’t wrap his head around was the revelation that his own mother, the person who birthed him, was the one who held such sentiments. Maybe he really was a ‘good-for-nothing’ son. The more these questions invaded his mind, the worse his body trembled. Tears fell down his face like waterfalls, he sniffled, choking down his sobs in hopes that no one could hear or see him in this pitiful state. After all, a waste of space like him doesn't deserve any form of sympathy whatsoever.
Luckily, he knew the only other person he’d be seeing was Osamu, and he wasn’t coming home until the next day, so Atsumu had plenty of time to compose himself before the other twin came back. Plenty of time to perfect his guise of being all fine and dandy as if he wasn’t just told that things would be better off if he ceased to exist. He didn’t need to worry Osamu with his worthless self. After all, his twin should be chasing better things in life as the ‘better Miya’, not on something that was so imperfect such as himself. Never once did or will he ever intend to drag Osamu down with him. Because despite everything, Atsumu only wanted the best for his twin brother.
From then on, the overall energy that emanated from within the house was so negative it was almost suffocating. No one dared to even mutter a word. If Osamu wasn’t home, Atsumu wouldn't even acknowledge the other person in the house. In fact, it had gotten to a point where Atsumu would willingly find a way to avoid home, avoid whatever was waiting for him at any given moment.
He would use practice as an excuse to leave home extra early in the morning just because he didn’t want to spend any more time than what was necessary. Only until he got the green light from Osamu that his twin was home did Atsumu even think of stepping inside.
Suffice to say that he evaded going home alone like the plague. He couldn’t deny that his now estranged mother's words had affected him deeply, serving as a constant reminder that no one truly cared for him nor wanted to be in his presence. If not even his own mother could love him, then who else would? Some would argue Osamu, but he didn’t think so. They rarely talked to each other outside of the occasional text informing the other that ‘dinner was ready’ or anything of that nature. Atsumu couldn’t remember the last full length conversation he’s had with his twin let alone when they last confided in each other's presence. Osamu had Suna with him and Atsumu had… well, he’d rather not think about that.
School life wasn’t all that better either. Constantly having to walk on eggshells around his peers, acting out his persona as some perfectionist asshole who could never settle anything less, all that just to avoid his false bravado as an insensitive jerk from falling apart. Although his grades were above average for someone of his likeliness, his ‘friends’ were popular in school, and he always had a good time with them, it didn’t mean he had a great time.
Everything felt so extremely superficial. He felt that he was only in that friend group because he was a part of the school’s volleyball team and they had a knack for talking smack about other students. Not to mention, outside of his friend group, he felt so extremely alienated from everyone else. With a head of freshly bleached hair, Atsumu stood out from the rest with his tall stature, extroverted-ness and a rather eccentric personality that made him the target of rumours. He could argue that no one in the volleyball team liked him either, they only tolerated him for his above average abilities and objectively, good sets. Atsumu was lonely.
Despite all of that, Atsumu had quite the reputation as his and the school’s volleyball team’s games were broadcast on TV every now and then when the spring tournament came rolling around. This factor significantly contributed to his popularity in and outside of school. Heck, he even had quite the following too.
Of course, with him and Osamu being twins, they got an equal amount of fame, though Osamu wasn’t a sucker for it as much as his twin was. Everything Atsumu wanted was validation after all. (He ignored how much he hated the fact that he was the only one who ever needed it.)
Naturally, with having a lot of fans came a lot of love confessions. Atsumu was no exception to this rule. He often received love letters from girls who didn’t know any better. Atsumu was absolutely positive that if any of them knew his true nature, they would avoid him at all costs; intensely dislike him even.
Speaking of crushes, Atsumu was no stranger to having them either. He had no clue as to whether his ‘crushes’ were merely people he admired and wanted to become like or people he was genuinely romantically interested in. One such example is his so-called ‘crush’ on his captain during second year of high school, Kita Shinsuke. Atsumu really looked up to how Kita presented himself. He was not only blunt and to the point, but he was also level-headed, logical and well-liked amongst his peers. Everything Atsumu ever wished he could be.
He thought that was all to it, just a meaningless crush on your upperclassman. But to his surprise, Kita… actually seemed to care for him. Atsumu recalls the few times he caught a cold during practice and Kita telling Atsumu to go home and rest until he was healthy again as he prepared some food for the latter. Atsumu acknowledged that maybe the gesture didn’t seem like much, but it meant a lot to him at the time. To think that someone did indeed care for him just made him feel loved and wanted. (Made him feel what he never had growing up.) In all honesty, this was the first ever time Atsumu had such intense feelings for someone, let alone for another man. Atsumu felt like Kita wanted him, wanted Atsumu with all his mistakes, setbacks and failures. It made him feel as if Kita would reciprocate his feelings as they both confess their undying love for each other. (Okay, maybe not that.)
However, there was one– nay, two major setbacks.
First of which being, Miya Atsumu, despite all of his charisma and presence, was a coward at heart. He couldn’t muster up the courage to ever admit his feelings to his Captain. Every time he even so much thought about coming clean, his heart rate escalated, face flushing so red to the point where Osamu thought he had another fever or something. Was this how those girls felt? No wonder why they always left confession notes in his shoe locker instead of actually confronting him to his face.
The second thing that stood in his way was the fact that he… didn’t know how Kita would take it. Although, there was a slight chance his wish would come into fruition, the anxious ramblings of his mind always took over before he could even realise. Would Kita be disgusted? Would he look at Atsumu in pity and say he doesn’t swing that way? What if he spreads rumours about Atsumu, and those rumours reached Osamu? And if it did reach Osamu, it’d definitely reach his mother.
Despite the fact that homophobia wasn’t as rampant as it used to be nowadays, both from the West and here in Japan, homosexuality wasn’t exactly something people were open about here in Hyogo. People here, especially the old folks who tend to be more traditional, which Atsumu always thought was pure bullshit. Who gives a damn if a girl wants to kiss another girl, or if two or more guys want to hold hands? It’s none of their business, that’s for sure.
But the thought of his mother finding out about his sexuality disturbed him. After all, if she could so easily say she didn’t want to have him while he was still 16 and under the assumption that he was as heterosexual as any other boy his age, who knows what she’d do if she found out about this?
‘She’d disown you’ A small voice in the back of his head murmured. ‘Not only do ya suck in volleyball– ya know, the one thing yer interested in– and yer studies, but yer also a good-for-nothing, lowlife faggot', a figment of his imagination spoke to him
The slur made him recoil in some kind of mix between disgust and shame. Disgust because why the fuck would anyone call someone that, and shame because it felt like he was disappointing his mother again for not giving her the grand babies she, quote-on-quote, “deserved because she raised him and Osamu for so long.” He was sure there was also some kind of spiel about the wonders of having your own children in your own home, which… yeah, no.
(How could she even have the audacity to think that, after outright telling him that she wished Osamu was an only child? How could she forget what he remembers so vividly?)
With those two reasons in mind, Atsumu steered clear of ever confessing to Kita. He buried his feelings away just like how he always did. Plus, Atsumu really didn’t want to put strain someone with the likes of Kita Shinsuke, or anyone for a matter of fact, with his problems. What more was there to say? Atsumu had always been a disappointment through and through and no amount of effort was going to fix that. Maybe he was destined to be like this, a disgrace with no good to give to the world. Seems like Atsumu really did have a knack for carrying a torch for those who could never reciprocate.
And with that, Atsumu lived on as if nothing happened. He ignored the way his heart would ache every time he was talking to Kita, every time he crossed paths with a loving couple and every time he was reminded that could never have what he truly wanted. But maybe it was all for the better. He didn’t deserve any of that. Not when he is so incomplete and devoid of any positive trait.
Life went on, from fall to winter, and from winter to spring, everything went by in a blink of an eye. Inarizaki High had experienced a bitter defeat to Karasuno’s team during the 2013 Spring tournament. Although it sucked, Atsumu did get the chance to meet some interesting people, like Shoyo for example, who knew an unassuming guy like him would have such a presence on the court. Man, Atsumu would really like to set for him if he ever gets the chance.
When March rolled around, Kita and the rest of the third years graduated. It was bittersweet seeing the one person he cared so dearly about leave behind the very thing that made them somewhat close. Seems like Atsumu had lost his final chance to be with Kita. He would be lying if he said he didn’t shed any tears whatsoever when he saw the post-graduates leave the school grounds for the last time. Despite it being the season when the cherry blossoms bloom, often symbolizing hope, mortality, and the beauty of life, Atsumu felt like it was all a sick joke that marked the moment where his last semblance of his genuine sanguineness faded away. He’s hated spring ever since.
April came by and marked the beginning of the twin’s final year of high school. Of course with the new academic year means the re-election for the captain role of the school’s volleyball team. Frankly speaking, Atsumu wasn’t all that surprised that he was eventually chosen for the job. After all, with all of his arduous practice sessions, he was proud to say that he was pretty well-rounded when it came to the sport. (At least he thinks he is). But the decision to have him as captain did strike him to his core. To think that his teammates all believed in his capability to lead the team really did do a number to his heart. He was so touched.
The new members that have joined the roster all seemed promising too. Atsumu was confident that they could make it to the spring tournament like how they always have. Things were looking good.
Time passed and it was January 2014. It was the last spring tournament of his high school career and Atsumu was really looking forward to claiming the very same victory they were robbed of for all these past few years. Osamu and Suna often remarked that Atsumu was getting a bit harsh to their underclassmen during practice but who could fault him? He only wanted the best out of everyone after all.
It had been a whole year since Inarizaki’s defeat during the last tournament. Atsumu was determined they at least make it to the semifinals. And with that, they were all ready to go.
The first few matches were a snooze fest, really. Atsumu had better things to do then to go against these imbeciles. They really thought they could even begin to compare to Inarizaki? Tsk. Pathetic. This was getting overly mundane.
A few rounds later and Inarizaki was up against a foe they had long not encountered. Karasuno High. Atsumu was thrilled. He could not wait to go up against the very same team that caused Inarizaki’s defeat the year prior. He could not wait to wipe their smug grins off and show them who really has the upper hand. Some call it competitiveness, but Atsumu thinks it’s more than that.
In all honesty, the match was tough. With Karasuno's frustrating ability to quickly adapt to their opponent’s play style.That fact combined with whatever the hell Shoyo and Tobio were doing in order to catch them off-guard, often pulling up new tricks that they had up their sleeves. However, they made that mistake once in the past and Atsumu was not going to let his team repeat it again. Karasuno High maybe a formidable force but that doesn't mean that Inarizaki can't put up an equally tough fight.
It was a tense battle between the two parties. With one side having a stronger sense of teamwork and the other having a better grasp at the offensive and defensive aspect of volleyball. The sight was truly something to behold. Keeping viewers on the edge of their seat; it was an exhilarating experience through and through.
Apparently, it seemed that luck was on their side. They had managed to win the first round by a narrow margin. Though the competition was cut-throat, it wasn't anything unexpected. Well, maybe for the first years and the new recruits, but to Atsumu, it was nothing special.
The second round started off on a low note. No service aces were scored and their spikes were all successfully blocked. With each point they lost, Atsumu could feel the need to step up his game building up from within him. It was like a torch had been lit, it burned like his desire to do even better.
The second set went by and Karasuno had won this round, clapping back as a response to Inarizaki’s momentum. Looks like they weren’t here to play around either. And oh, was Atsumu giddy, there was nothing he liked more than a fair game. At that, Osamu quickly swatted the back of his head as a gentle reminder ‘to not get too carried away’.
Although they did lose the second round, which did suck quite a bit, that just meant that they had to try harder. And harder did they go. That fact made Atsumu even more excited. He saw the glint in their opponent’s eyes, filled with such determination to win. Atsumu could not wait to crush their hopes and dreams. (Man, maybe he really was a jerk at heart. No wonder no one liked him.) And of course, the outcome all depended on how well the third set went. After all, it was the match that would determine who would get to progress to the next round of the spring tournament.
Just like the other sets, the third, and last one was proving to be quite the challenge. With it seeming to drag on and on. But Inarizaki High would not bear to lose again to Karasuno High. Not twice in a row. Never. Some immediate changes needed to be made in order to sway the course of the game to their favour. They were at match point. So, so close to the sweet taste of victory. All they needed to do was to switch things up to overpower their opponents and earn the last point. The stakes were high but that didn’t deter them one bit.
Atsumu examined his surroundings as calmly as he could in order to ascertain his best course of action that was to follow. The tension was high and everyone’s gaze was fixated on the court. And considering that this was the last spring tournament of their high school career, this very moment could also be Atsumu and Osamu’s last game together ever if even a thing goes awry. To be frank, he did not want it to end like this. Not when they were so close to winning.
The whistle blew. It was time for Atsumu to begin his serve. Quickly analysing the positions of each of his opponents, Atsumu took exactly six steps away from the boundary line of the court. He then proceeded to do his iconic hand gesture that made the stadium still completely in silence. There were no annoying fan cheers that could disturb his focus. Everything was perfectly still, exactly the way he liked it.
Seeming to take note of his every move, Karasuno’s team made a couple of steps backwards; ensuring they were in the best position to receive his serve. Atsumu knew his opponents knew him well, well enough to know his serve patterns. But what if he were to take everything they knew and flip it on its head?
That’s precisely what he ended up doing.
Right before throwing the ball mid-air and passing it to the other side of the court, Atsumu made sure he made extra long strides in order to compensate for the longer distance while making sure not to cross the boundary line. Ensuring he launched the ball at the just the right position, angle, and trajectory to then perform a jump floater.
That little stunt of his had everyone stunned, stuck in their place even. Luckily the ball went exactly where he wanted. It had gone to the left side of Karasuno’s court where defence was the weakest. The blonde preened inwardly as he saw the look of shock on their faces when they realised that their strategy didn’t work this time. However, to his dismay, their libero was quick to move as he managed to receive the ball and launch it back into the air. They may have been able to prevent the ball from landing on the ground but Atsumu’s surprise switch up definitely caught them off guard if the frenzied look on their faces were anything to go by.
That brief slip up of theirs caused their timing to be a bit jumbled up as none of them were able to properly assess the situation at hand before knowing what to do next. Of course, Tobio, being the person he is, managed to set the ball to let it be spiked. Although, in Atsumu’s opinion, said set was rather sloppy especially coming from a guy who happened to be very precise most of the time. Not to mention that Atsumu couldn’t help but notice Tobio’s pinched facial expression. Oh, the other setter definitely wasn’t satisfied. But alas he couldn’t keep dwelling on such nuances, because the ball was back on Inarizaki’s side of the court before he knew it.
Time seemed to slow down at that very moment. The instant the ball was rebounded back into the air by their libero, Atsumu ran towards the net in order to get ready to set the ball. For a brief second he made eye contact with Osamu who was getting ready to hit the ball from the far left side of the court. Although no words were exchanged between them. Atsumu perfectly understood what his twin was intending to do. Judging by purely looking at how his twin moved, Atsumu could tell that he intended on doing a decoy. Osamu was a beat slower than the rest.
A surprise minus-tempo attack? Interesting. Deeming it a good idea with no real repercussions, Atsumu hastily made the decision to change his next course of actions to follow along with whatever Osamu had in mind. In this situation, every moment was significant. Moving along, he delayed his set for a few milliseconds while making sure he manipulated his body language in such a way that made it seem like he was going to set for a normal spike with the intention of confusing Karasuno’s middle blockers. Atsumu then launched the ball a bit higher into the air the instant his twin made the jump for it. The angle, and trajectory of his set was arguably the best he’s had in a while. The precision and timing was also wonderful, if not ideal. It was of the utmost perfection.
The players of Karasuno had yet to realise that the ball wasn’t heading towards Heisuke, one of Inarizaki's hitters, but instead to Osamu. When it did dawn on them, it was already far too late. Before they knew it, the grey-haired twin spiked the ball across the net with such vigour that it ricocheted against the hardwood floor of their opponents’ side of the court with a loud, unceremonious thump. No one had managed to receive the ball in time before it hit the floor. It seemed that their impromptu kind of minus-tempo, kind of decoy attack was a resounding success as they earned the match point.
The crowd erupted into an uproar of cheers and applause as Inarizaki’s orchestra promptly followed suit, playing the school's paean as a form of congratulations. And just like that, Inarizaki had won the game. The spectators in the crowd were just as elated at the victory as they were, if not even more so judging from all of their hollering.
Atsumu turned his back to face Osamu with an expression that could only be described as pure, unadulterated shock that was accompanied with his iconic lopsided grin. He really didn’t expect such an unplanned move to work out so well. Surprisingly, Osamu also wore a look that showed that he was just as bewildered as Atsumu was. Seemingly taken aback at how the both of them thought of the same idea. Huh, maybe twin telepathy really was a thing after all. Either that or they were just truly compatible as a hitter-setter duo.
Of course, it wasn’t long until it got to a point Atsumu couldn't physically ignore the very confused looking Heisuke, mouth agape and all, still trying to comprehend the very predicament he was just involved in. Atsumu couldn't help but point and laugh. All of their teammates were either in some state of shock or confusion at what had just occurred. None of them ever expected the twins to do something that was done in the spur-of-the-moment. But it wasn’t as if it wasn’t totally unexpected. After all, the twins were known for being rather experimental when it came to their play style. It was better to have many options than being confined to one trait or role.
With all that being said, to say that Atsumu was glad that they had won would be an understatement. He was over the moon. For someone as competitive as he was, victory meant everything. It stood as a testament to his value as a fellow teammate, a captain, and most importantly, as a setter. These were one of the few times where Atsumu ever allowed himself to feel any semblance of comfort with his own sense of self because he felt that volleyball was one of the few things that he could excel at without feeling like his worth was being stripped away from him. He felt like he was born to be on the court. It was the only place where he felt like he belonged to. Without it, the Miya Atsumu people knew would cease to exist.
Suffice to say that it was a great match-up. Karasuno was no laughing matter. Atsumu was glad he ever got the chance to ever go up against such a force to be reckoned with in the first place. It was a shame, really. To see their third years having to go back home in low spirits after losing really resonated with him.
He just hoped that wouldn't be him. He had his own agenda for wanting to win as well. Maybe because it was his last year, he just became overly sentimental with the last few times he’d ever play alongside his twin and high school teammates. Atsumu has had a long time to come to terms with that fact. Although he could never fully grasp the what and whys behind Osamu’s decision to leave volleyball after high school, he still respected it nonetheless. Maybe that was the reason why Atsumu felt so adamant on winning this spring tournament. Perhaps he just wanted to make sure that Osamu ended his volleyball career on a high note. No emotional baggage and definitely no regrets.
Granted that all depended on how they fared against the upper echelons of high school volleyball, but with their current momentum, Atsumu was confident that they would do decently well. Ultimately, it wasn’t the first time Inarizaki had gone against big powerhouses in the high school volleyball scene. So what was there to fear?
Everything apparently.
It was now the semifinals. Every single second that passed served as a reminder that they, Inarizaki was close to reaching their goal of winning the tournament. Atsumu tried to conceal the dread looming from within him by plastering on a lazy smile that reeked of confidence and, to his surprise, it worked. No one in the team suspected their captain to actually be mildly panicking. They didn’t need to know that his palms were clammy from all the sweat nor did they need to know that what they saw was all just a facade.
The next opponent they would be facing off against was Itachiyama Institute, a big name in the high school volleyball division. The last time Inarizaki had gone against them in a game was back during the 2012 spring tournament when he was in his first year.
Atsumu recalls them being an exceptionally hard opponent to beat. With most of their players being naturally gifted in many aspects. Not that he was implying that they didn't work hard to get to where they were. In fact, judging by what he's seen, Itachiyama’s team worked just as hard, if not harder than the rest. To further solidify that notion, even their school banner said ‘effort’. They clearly weren’t playing around.
With the somewhat limited knowledge he has on Itachiyama he knows that their ace, Sakusa Kiyoomi, was a beast on court. From Atsumu’s personal recollection of the All-Japan Youth Intensive Training Camp he had attended over the past three years was that the tall, lanky, and rather germaphobic teenager that was Sakusa had the most devastating spikes. With his freakishly flexible wrists giving him the ability to control the course of all the balls he spiked but to also give it the nastiest spin imaginable. Not to mention that his receives are always on point. They didn’t call him the top three aces in high school volleyball for nothing.
Of course, you couldn’t talk about Sakusa without mentioning his cousin, Komori Motoya. The light brown haired teenager was quite the extraordinary player himself too. Often described as the number one libero in the Japanese high school volleyball scene at the time, he solidified himself to be a frustrating opponent to play against.
If the two cousins proved themselves to be outstanding in their own right, then what was the whole team like? He’s heard some pretty gnarly things about them that he’d rather not think about. But that didn’t mean Atsumu was intimidated. Yeah, totally. Perhaps he was just too excited to the point his heartbeat would escalate with every passing moment. However, that didn’t explain the slight tremble of his hands nor the insistent bouncing of his right leg when he sat on the sidelines, waiting for the game to start.
To think that the Miya Atsumu was nervous? Preposterous.
Time wasn’t kind to him as it didn’t allow him to collect himself before practice on court began. He felt as if everything was progressing way too quickly for his liking. But alas, he couldn’t afford to do anything about it. After all, fate waited for no one.
When Inarizaki made way to the court, Atsumu could already feel the dread that was building up in the pit of his stomach increase exponentially. Itachiyama’s team was already practising their spikes, serves, sets, so on and so forth. It was just as intense as how he'd imagine it to be. And oh, how nervous that made Atsumu. He felt like he was going to spew his breakfast out. It seemed like he was in no shape to compete in the match.
He quickly snubbed that thought out before it could even fully manifest. There was no such thing as being unprepared in his lexicon. Such thinking is only reserved for those fated to lose. (He promptly ignored all the voices in his head murmuring otherwise.)
Practice started off as usual but something seemed off. He felt as if something— no, someone was glaring at him. Atsumu tried to ignore it at first simply assuming that it would go away but it persisted. The intense scrutiny made him feel insecure, like he was being stripped to his very essence. To say that he did not fare well with people staring at him was an understatement.
Not wanting to bare it any longer, he tried looking for the source of his discomfort. That was when he locked eyes with a certain someone. Sakusa Kiyoomi.
Hazel eyes met those of dark brown— almost black irises. The first thing Atsumu had noted was the noticeable scowl on the other's face. It was as if something displeasing had just occurred to produce such a reaction. Prompted, Sakusa was a prickly type. Anything could get under that boy's skin.
Atsumu just had to wonder to himself, "Why is he glarin'?".
Not wanting to dwell on the topic any longer, he approached the tall boy on the opposite side of the net.
"Got a problem Sakusa-kun? Couldn't help but notice ya starin'. Ya know, I'd be happy to help ya," offered Atsumu with a smile, not wanting to seem too bothered. Seeing the setter approach him, Sakusa's face immediately contorted into an expression that could only be described as displeasure.
"Miya," The other boy replied curtly in acknowledgement. His gaze unwavering.
The black-haired boy then looked at Atsumu up and down before continuing with: "I don't want to play against a person who's not able to give their all," before swiftly walking away. Not bothering to give Atsumu anymore attention than necessary.
At first, Atsumu was taken aback; eyes widening in shock. How did the other manage to see through his perfectly-crafted guise? As he thought about it, no one had ever managed to do so before. His mind rummaged through all the possibilities in a split moment, however none seemed to make sense. But he thought again as to what Sakusa had said and finally digested the information fully.
'A person who not able to give their all'? Who did Sakusa think he was? A mere bug to be stepped on? Oh, how that made Atsumu's blood boil with fury. He may have a lot of things he needed to work on but that was all outside of volleyball. The sport was his playground and he reigned over it like some tyrannical ruler. Of course, not wanting to surrender to his opponent's jabbing remarks, the blonde didn't even think twice before answering.
"WE'LL SEE 'BOUT THAT, OMI!" he proclaimed loudly through gritted teeth with a look of undeniable determination glinting in his eyes. His declaration was loud enough for the entire court to hear. Atsumu didn't fail to notice how everyone on both teams panned their attention towards him. All eyes were on him but that didn't matter. After all, it wasn't as if he screwed up or anything. Everything was deliberate.
Thankfully, seemed like Atsumu wasn't the only one riled up from their brief interaction as Sakusa's shoulders shuddered, possibly from the disgust the nickname, that originated from his first name, gave him. Maybe the boy was wearing an even more pinched expression on his face. Even more than usual, at least. Regardless, Atsumu considered it a tiny victory on his end. A win was a win. He just wouldn't let such a taunt slide through without meeting resistance on his end. Especially not when it involved volleyball.
Despite the tone of the interaction that had just transpired, Atsumu found himself becoming more and more motivated to go up against Itachiyama later on. He was so ready to prove Sakusa wrong and make the other boy bear witness to his truest capabilities. (Even if the insistent nagging of nervousness still plagued him.)
With that, Atsumu returned to where his teammates were situated to continue on with practice before the match started.
They did not manage to win.
The match did not go well– in actuality, it went horribly. No matter what they did, it seemed like Itachiyama had them tamed like a bunch of farm animals. It was almost as if everything was under their control; being the puppeteer to the marionettes that was Inarizaki.
Really, nothing Inarizaki did seemed to throw the other team off balance. Their attempts were all futile. All of their special moves seemed almost predictable to Itachiyama's team. No amount of finesse seemed to do anything substantial to their opponents.
Despite that, Atsumu tried his best to keep his team in high spirits but after every point they lost, that task was getting harder and harder to do. He saw their defeated expressions but he didn't want to give up just yet. No, not like this. Not when he needed to prove Sakusa wrong.
No matter how hard Inarizaki persevered, it was all in vain because before they knew it, Itachiyama had won a straight-set against Inarizaki. The moment it dawned on him, his entire world came crashing down on him. Like most defeats, this one stung but this time the feeling was only amplified, it was almost akin to a knife being twisted deeper into an already bleeding wound. The blonde could feel the disappointment radiating off of his teammates.
Technically it was nobody's fault but Atsumu still felt that he should shoulder most of the blame. It was him after all who guided the team. Just this time, arguably the most crucial of times, he failed in his task. He failed to deliver anything really. He, Atsumu, was the cause behind all of this. Maybe, just maybe, if things were even a bit different, the entire course of the game would have been swayed in their favour. But now they had to go home and bask in the bitterness that was their defeat.
Alas, there's no use crying over spilled milk. That's what he tried to convince himself at least. He tried to not overthink, simply chalking the situation up to be just a loss, but it was more than that. It wasn't just a game. This was his last match as a student, the last time he'll ever compete in the high school volleyball scene and most importantly the last time he'll ever get the chance to play alongside Osamu. The promise he made to Kita will probably never come into fruition at this rate. How was his now former captain going to be proud of them when they lost again to an old foe?
Why was Inarizaki's performance so poor in the first place? Oh how he pondered. In actuality, Atsumu already knew the answer to his question. Itachiyama was just on another level entirely. Their sense of teamwork was impeccable, untouchable even. Not only that but they were very capable as individuals alone. Those two factors are what Atsumu deduced to be Inarizaki's cause for downfall. (Although his mind says otherwise.) Perhaps if they strengthened the synergy they had, the results wouldn't be as bad as they were. But it was too late for that.
Atsumu didn't want to accept fate. Not when it was so cruel towards him. But no matter how many times he'll try to resist, he'll just end up failing miserably and turning into destiny's slave, just like how he always has.
He truly felt numb.
No amount of persuasion would distract Atsumu from the fact they still lost. He disregarded all of his teammate's attempts at cheering each other up because deep down, he knew that they weren't all that fine with the news of their defeat. He stills recalls the very last point that Itachiyama scored that marked their victory.
The court was tense as the battle between the two schools carried on. It was a pivotal moment. It was going to determine whether Inarizaki or Itachiyama had the rights to continue on in the spring tournament. Everyone's attention were fixated on the heated exchange that was occurring.
The two parties did not let up whatsoever. With both teams using up all of their best offensive and defensive moves, the ball did not have the chance to land on either side of the court. It was truly stuck in a limbo. It was the second match and both Inarizaki’s and Itachiyama’s points were 30 - 31 respectively.
Atsumu could feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins. It was almost as if his entire body was being burned alight. One misstep could prove to be fatal so he tried his best to maintain his composure and try not to move without any deliberate thought beforehand. Atsumu's eyes were fixated on the ball, not allowing it to leave his line of sight as it was tossed back and forth from each side of the court. He was merely thinking on the best ways to set the ball depending on who received it.
The ball was now in Itachiyama’s court. Komori received the ball from Osamu's spike skilfully. Thus, launching the ball back into the air. Their opponent’s setter then came forward getting ready to seemingly set the ball towards Sakusa who was running from the side. But unbeknownst to them, their setter had other ideas. When he saw Inarizaki’s middle blockers go up ahead and try to block Sakusa, the setter, dumped the fucking ball into their court.
The next few moments passed by in a blur. Atsumu had managed to catch on but apparently he wasn't quick enough. He lunged forward. But that wasn't enough as his fingers missed the ball by a mere couple centimetres. His heart dropped. No, this can't be… Before he knew it, the ball hit the floor with a loud, deafening thud and the referee blew the whistle as he signalled towards Itachiyama’s side of the court, marking their victory.
And with that, the game ended with Itachiyama as the clear victor.
It was horrible.
Atsumu never really got used to the feeling of defeat but at least there were things he could look forward to with every lost as there were always new matches to be fought. However, this was his last. No longer were the times he was going to stay late at school for extra practice. No longer was he going to play in the team he's been playing in for the past three years. And worst of all, no longer was he ever going to play with his beloved twin. He wondered how the other felt.
This was the end. Atsumu really didn't want it to conclude on such a low note but there was no more salvaging that could be done. The decision was final and they had to go home.
As per true sports etiquette, both teams gathered at the net to shake hands as a sign of mutual respect. As he glanced to his left, Atsumu noted how Sakusa wore an expression of disdain at the prospect of holding someone's sweaty hands. It would've been amusing if their defeat still wasn't lingering around in his mind. The blonde promptly shook hands with Itachiyama's team captain with little to no animosity.
Although the results were not to his favour, Atsumu still gave credit where credit is due. It wasn't always that they faced off against such a capable team. Itachiyama's knowledge when it came to volleyball really tested Inarizaki's teamwork and communication. Everything was such a let down really. Atsumu couldn't fathom how his team managed to stoop so low. It was as if the universe was actively working against him.
Just as they were about to leave the court, both Atsumu and Sakusa locked eyes for a brief moment. The look in the other boy's eyes says it all. They were full with disappointment. It was almost as if Sakusa was expecting more out of Atsumu but the blonde didn't live up to his expectations but there was something else in the black haired boy's eyes that he couldn't exactly pinpoint. Atsumu quickly cast his gaze away, he didn't want to subject his already hectic mind to more food for thought.
The seven-hour long ride home from Tokyo to Hyogo was gruelling at best. After the match had ended, Atsumu made minimal contact with his teammates, opting to not partake in their after-match festivities because is their mind, they still made it to the semifinals and that was more than enough. Atsumu still doesn't believe that losers like them deserve such pleasantries.
Not to mention, Osamu hasn't spoken a single word to him and it wasn't like Atsumu expected him to. His twin was now sitting next to Suna conversing about a topic that Atsumu was not privy to as Osamu munched on some store-bought Onigiri. To think that Osamu would rather talk to Suna first thing after a match rather than to his own twin brother really painted the picture of how strained things were between them.
That was to be expected however, Suna was a far more pleasant person to talk to in comparison to Atsumu. Not only that but he was somewhat funny. So it was no wonder as to why the blonde always found his twin sticking to the other third year's side like a magnet. To be frank, it wasn't as if Atsumu was completely unbothered by their relationship. Heck, he envied Suna. If only he was that close to his own brother. Was that too much to even want in the first place? A good relationship with a sibling?
Atsumu acknowledged that there was probably more reasons to his twin's not-so-subtle evasion of him asides from the obvious fact that the blonde was obnoxious. Perhaps he was disappointed. Disappointed at how his last match ended with a defeat. Atsumu knew that wasn't a nice feeling to harbour. As more time progressed, the deeper his inquiries became. Did Atsumu perhaps play a major role in this feeling of disappointment? Well, he most probably did being the one guiding the team and all.
The more he thought about it, the worse he felt. As he recalled their most recent match against Itachiyama, one thing kept bugging him. It was Sakusa's offhanded comment regarding Atsumu's performance prior to the match. Although it was intended to be just a mere jab at the blonde, but now knowing the full outcome, it felt so much more significant than that. Maybe the other saw something in Atsumu that he himself failed to realise.
The more he thought about it, the more questions popped up into his mind. Just what did he notice? Was Atsumu really off his game? The thought evoked a feeling of immense disappointment from within him. Atsumu wasn't typically the type to fault his performance in the sport, usually blaming other players for not being able to utilise his sets because he was already good enough. But after what had just transpired, he was to think otherwise.
Atsumu swore up and down that he was doing his best but even that felt like it wasn't sufficient enough to beat Itachiyama apparently. The realisation hit him like a punch to the face, that his absolute all was in fact, not the best. It hurt his pride. Maybe he wasn't as good as he thought he was. If he couldn't even do the only thing he's supposed to excel at, did he really deserve to be standing on court? The thought had left an unpleasant feeling that lingered in his mind for a long time.
With that, the rest of the ride home was basked in relative silence.
Not long since then, the twins' and the rest of the third year's finals and graduation came and went. They had long since left the volleyball club to the hands of their capable underclassmen in favour for their studies. Atsumu still recalls the snotty, teary-eyed farewell they had as they left the gymnasium alongside their roles and many unforgettable memories. The entire situation didn't phase Atsumu all that much. After all, the blonde had intentions of going pro right after graduating so he wasn’t going to miss volleyball for too long.
He and the rest of the third years consoled their underclassmen to the best of their abilities. But after what seemed like half an hour, they promptly gave up and just left the gym entirely. However, it wasn’t as if the third years were unaffected either. Some of them waited until they left the court to start crying. However, there were some who stood out.
First of which being Suna. He was of course, unbothered for the most part. The guy had no care in the world asides taking blackmail-worthy photos of other people and that included their (now former) teammates. Atsumu did like that part of him though. Whenever the time was right, he, Osamu and Suna would take the liberty to scroll through the middle blocker’s phone just to chuckle at the amount of embarrassing photos the latter had on other people. It was quite amusing.
Other than that however, they, being both him and Suna, rarely ever interacted together outside of volleyball. But that was fine. Why talk to Atsumu when he could talk to Osamu instead? And it wasn't like the middle blocker had expressed any interest in talking to Atsumu anyway. The blonde only felt like he got birthday gifts from the other was merely because he happens to be twins with Osamu in the first place. Not because he actually cared for him or anything. At least not at much as he did towards his twin.
Speaking of Osamu, he seemed happy. If the face his twin was making was anything to go by, he looked relieved even. It was his first step into a new chapter of his life after all. Atsumu could understand why he was excited. As any good sibling would, he should’ve felt happy for him, but he didn’t. He couldn't exactly pinpoint the reason as to why but it just didn’t sit right with him.
Only certain things made his brother gleam with joy like how this entire situation had. To the untrained eye, everything might’ve looked normal but Atsumu knew that it wasn’t. It took a lot to provoke that type of feeling from his usually nonchalant twin. (i.e a plateful of Onigiri, he was quite the foodie after all.)
Nonetheless, it just felt extremely wrong to Atsumu that Osamu would harbour such feelings. But it was to be expected. Ultimately, volleyball was not the love of Osamu’s life like how it was to Atsumu. The blonde knew what his heart longed for and it was the adrenaline that setting a ball only gave him. He would even go so far as to say that he would lose his sense of self if he, Atsumu, the setter, ever failed to deliver the absolute best results that he possibly could. Inarizaki’s last match against Itachiyama only further solidified that notion.
But as much as he told himself that, fully believing in his capabilities as a volleyball player, a part of him still felt apprehensive about his future. What if he were to sustain an injury that would render him unable to play? What would he do then? And what if people don’t accept him?
Maybe he should join his twin and grow up to chase a real dream instead of clinging to his childish ones. Just then would he not have to mull over the risks a career in sports brought along and would he finally become someone deserving of people’s attention.
Regardless, that fact that Osamu seemed this elated to leave behind volleyball still rubbed him the wrong way. Atsumu could only watch from afar as a weird mixture of feelings brewed from within him. Was it resentment? Sadness? Anger? He didn’t know nor did he like it.
All he knew was that he desperately tried to not think about the worst outcomes and possibly ruin the moment because from all of his encounters and experiences, one thing was clear:
Life was cruel and Miya Atsumu was intimately familiar with that notion.