Work Text:
Tell me that you're still mine
Tell me that we'll be just fine
Even when I lose my mind
I need to say
Tell me that it's not my fault
Tell me that I'm all you want
Even when I break your heart
—
Sangwon knows what he's doing. Falling for someone who's three years younger than him is a challenge, a deep dive into the ocean with the proper gears but even with those things wrapped around, it's still not enough to fully figure out how their mind works. Sangwon truly understands that dating a younger man means trouble, yet it's the kind of trouble he is craving for. Because how can he refuse his own heart that is beating for Anxin? He absolutely has no control over his feelings, he just acts upon it after meticulously planning everything.
Leo already told him the problems he would encounter along the way, Junseo mentioned that dating Anxin would mean that he is willing to give up half of his personal time to attend to Anxin’s wants and needs and of course, Sangwon is very much optimistic about it. He didn't feel threatened but instead, he felt more comfortable knowing that these are some of the concerns of dating someone younger than him. He took notes and prepared himself well.
But what didn't prepare him is how much Anxin would avoid him after certain happenings.
Anxin refused his touches, he refused to hold hands with him, he refused to be anywhere near him. Other trainees already saw this and asked them what's going on but Sangwon couldn't answer well, he didn't know what to say because he wasn't sure himself. He tried to understand, yet he couldn't piece all the information in his head. He's a highly intelligent man, he likes to read, and an introvert who is extremely observant, yet he couldn't put it together as to why his own boyfriend would act like that.
What's worse is that Anxin would cling more to Kangmin, his Hanlim best friend while he is out there, chasing after him and trying to approach him properly to talk about their own relationship problems.
Sangwon was so lost, so fucking lost because he feels like anytime now, Anxin would slip away from his grasp.
During the filming of their relaxing moment for Never Been 2 Heaven, he practically begged the staff to let him and Anxin to sit together, to be paired with each other but he was just met with disappointment. They told him that Anxin already signed up his and Kangmin's name as the pair, even refusing to sit beside each other on the bus on their way to the place even if the staff were saying that the fans are demanding moments from them. Sangwon has yet… to understand this action from Anxin.
Is this how younger people act? Or did I really do something wrong? I don't know, I don't understand.
Words kept lingering on Sangwon's head even more as he spaced out from time to time while filming to the point that his acrostic poem part wasn't even filmed anymore because he was just out of it.
On their last night before the finale, Sangwon said something that he didn't know would affect Anxin so much. A harmless game that was just supposed to help clear the air around him and Sanghyeon turned out to be the worst thing to have ever occurred in his life.
“Do you dislike younger people, Sangwon-hyung?” Sanghyeon dared to ask, his lips trembling and trying to avoid eye contact.
Sangwon gulped and took a while to answer, “I… I just feel awkward around them.” A bomb was dropped that even the other trainees were shocked he even said something like that.
Liyu stared at Anxin who looked so… unbelievably calm about it. He's expressionless, face unreadable to anyone. Even Kangmin, his closest hyung, couldn't decipher what's going on in his brain. Woojin tried talking to Anxin about it, but he just stared at him and smiled a little.
Debuting as the P01 and P02 respectively is a feat no one could truly achieve, it's something that they are extremely proud of and for Sangwon, debuting with Anxin is more important than ranking high. Being the rank one is a bonus, but standing and performing on the same stage as the man he loves is more than enough as a gift for someone like him. Anxin was more responsive to his advances that day, he was smiling more and didn't refuse any fan service with him which made Sangwon extremely happy, he felt that finally, whatever that has transpired between them is over and they wouldn't have to walk on eggshells with each other.
But he is so wrong.
Their cold war lasted until the moment they were promoting as ALD1 members already. Anxin still refuses his advances, Sangwon is still attempting to reach Anxin. The same cycle repeats over and over again with seemingly no ends, Sangwon’s heart becomes more heavy with each passing day. He badly wants to talk to Anxin but he couldn't even find the right moment to do so because Anxin is either playing around with Sanghyeon and Geonwoo or being on a call with his friends he made from the show. Sangwon just couldn't find any moment to push himself through Anxin’s active life. He doesn't know if it's just Anxin’s way of refusing him or if those are all genuine actions.
Sangwon's final straw was during today's short live.
He couldn't take it anymore, the longer he waits, the more impatient he acts, and the more mentally fucked up he becomes.
They were finally seated together after quite some time so Sangwon tried to make simple actions, staring at him and smiling at him… Anxin reciprocated all of it yet Sangwon knows there is still something wrong, everything feels so half-hearted, so lost, so-not-Anxin. This isn't the Anxin he fell for, it's not the same Anxin he longed for.
Anxin kept shaking his legs and Sangwon placed his right hands on Anxin's left thighs as a warning, Anxin also placed his right hands above his and caressed his hands for a little before looking at him and immediately taking out his hands above Sangwon's. The way he removed it broke Sangwon's heart, it was as if Anxin was not comfortable with Sangwon anymore, the way he acted felt like a sharp blade being placed on his neck, holding him hostage because of the things he doesn't even know.
The way Anxin just shrugged and ignored him shows how much of a grudge he holds against him. Sangwon knows that Anxin would always choose to forgive, he is an extremely kind person that can't even hurt a fly despite throwing a grasshopper away from everyone because he remembered that Sangwon hates bugs. He always chose to see the good in people even if they are the messiest to ever exist.
Yet during tonight's live show, the last restraint Sangwon has broke down after holding on all alone for quite some time. Junseo, their acting leader, felt the atmosphere shifted during the live and the members felt awkward seeing the two of them pretend to care for each other when it's so obvious that they have a long-standing unresolved issue with each other. Leo wanted to approach Sangwon about it to help him but Jiahao and Junseo just pulled him aside.
They went back to their dormitory, Anxin is still not paying attention to Sangwon who's following him nonstop.
“Anxin-ah, talk to me. What's wrong?” Sangwon asked, his voice gentle and calm as they both entered their room.
Anxin ignored him again, pretending that Sangwon doesn't exist in his world.
“Zhou Anxin, don't test my patience. What is wrong with you?” Sangwon asked calmly once again, trying to restrain himself from raising his voice.
Anxin finally stopped what he's doing and looked into Sangwon, straight to his eyes, it was as if he was piercing it with how intense his gaze was towards Sangwon.
He scoffed, “You don't know, hyung? I guess you never truly paid attention to me.” He uttered, leaving Sangwon in their room.
Before Anxin could even leave, Sangwon grabbed his hands and hurriedly closed the door and locked it, preventing Anxin from leaving him once again.
“Let’s talk, we can't drag this out for any longer. I can't take this anymore, Anxin. Let's talk, please?” Sangwon uttered, slowly feeling helpless because of how cold Anxin is acting towards him and how icy his eyes are for him.
“You want to talk, hyung? Fine, we’ll talk. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Anxin said his pent up feelings he was repressing from the past few weeks were finally out in the wild, anger evident in his tone.
Sangwon was taken aback by how aggressive and full of emotions Anxin is now. He never expected Anxin to act like this, he wasn't able to prepare himself well towards the wave of emotions that Anxin would secrete after holding himself back.
Sangwon has yet to truly memorize and understand Anxin.
“A-anxin-ah, what are you saying? What did I do? Make me understand.” Sangwon muttered, feeling dejected at the sudden act.
Anxin combed his hair and placed his hands on his waist, “I don't even know who I am in your heart anymore, hyung. I know that I'm fairly young for you but why does everyone keep telling me— or telling you that we won't work? Is it my fault that I longed for you as well? Is it my fault that I was more assertive and dominant in this relationship? Is it my fault that I'm blowing up things out of proportion because I'm hurt too? Why, just why can't you notice that I don't want to break your heart because I fucking love you so much too? I.. hyung, I'm sorry that I hurt you, but I just don't want to lose you yet everyone.. society is telling us that we aren't a fit with each other.” Anxin snapped, tears cascading from his eyes as he rushed towards Sangwon, hugging him.
“It’s not your fault, jagi. I'm sorry you felt like this, I'm sorry that you felt that you don't know your place anymore. I know this is all new to you… it is new to me as well. This is the first time I'm dating someone younger to me. That's why I'm trying my best to handle you well too, because I don't want you to feel inadequate in our relationship. I don't want to burn us down, my love. I don't want to lose you too. I'm sorry that I hurt you, Xinie.” Sangwon mumbled, hugging Anxin tightly while patting his head.
“Ge, I'm sorry too. I just don't know what to do and I thought avoiding you could really help. This is all on me, please don't leave me.” Just like a cat, Anxin clinged onto Sangwon while saying it and kept tugging at the help of his shirt.
“No, I am at fault too, jagiya. Let's make up, hmm? I don't want to see you crying again because of me, maybe in a different way? Kidding.” Sangeon muttered.
Anxin playfully slapped his back.
“You know that's not what's happening between us, Lee Sangwon-ssi. But okay, maybe I'll let you hit sometimes.” Anxin said, finally smiling, looking at Sangwon with his eyes blood shut after crying.
“Dirty kitty.” Sangwon jokingly said, pinching Anxin's nose to which Anxin replied by scrunching it.
Sangwon placed a gentle kiss over Anxin's forehead.