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The floor is cold beneath his feet - that much he knows. Theo has shoes on, but that doesn't change the sensation creeping slowly up from the bottom of his feet and clawing its way up to his ankles, then to his shins - and it's too late, the rest of him is cold now too. It's a shame because Theo gets cold easily, yet it's hard to warm him up.
It's been like that since before he could remember. He was homeless for as long as he had left behind the doctors, and it's hard to be very warm with something more towel than blanket, leaving nothing but the desolate leather of his truck seats to offer temperature.
Sometimes he would leave the truck running with the heat on, but there was always complications. For one, his truck would be near dead in the morning, and more often than not he was in need of a jumpstart. (Hard to find a buddy for that when everyone hates you, Theo often ponders.) Even if that wasn't the case, leaving his truck running all night was a sure way to catch attention, whether that be authoritative, or supernatural, he was in trouble either way.
Before that, the Dread Doctors laboratory was underground, and always cold. They had ideals that definitely didn't include a heater for when poor Theo was cold. That was one way he was taught a back bone, and to not complain. In many ways similar to that, the dread doctors remained somewhat of a parental figure to him, which Theo sums up to be pretty fucked up.
Although, its not like his actual parents were much better. He can remember next to nothing, but the vague memories always have a tag-along reminder of an empty stomach, freezing nights, and his body being cold from lack of much fuel (water, food, or love). If that wasn't enough, every so often it was paired with a broken bone somewhere and a black eye. When he wasn't so fortunate - mainly when his dad was drinking heavier - he would sport a busted lip and an ache between his legs.
Those were the things he grew up on. The things that made him who he was; a cold, isolated person only focused doing what he could to avoid punishment. On the days he failed, he was tired, bruised and in agony, he would crawl to the dread doctors cave and await more procedures. On these days in particular they withheld any sort of numbing or pain reliever.
He had grown used to the cold, the pain. Thats why it took him so long to warm up to Liam, and the pack. A big part of it was that he was scared it was a trap, and that as soon as they had his trust they would send him to hell again, a well deserved punishment for someone like him. But it never came. Around any corner he expected agony, a trap, an ambush; anything that let him know he wasn't crazy and they really were going to kill him.
But it never came. In its place was gentleness, calm, love, and quite respect. It was like a slap in the face. It was the last thing he wanted, but he grew to know it, to learn it, and to crave it. Liam's approach with his was quite unlike the him, as he usually carried anger issues and a sour temper wherever he went. Theo supposed it might be due to him as well. He know the affect he had on the beta, the way he could rile him up and calm him completely in a span of minutes.
Theo thought that it was the least he could do, considering what Liam did for him on a daily basis. It soon became a rhythm that they both became used to. And it only grew when Liam practically forced him to move in with him, after finding out he was homeless and sleeping in his truck. Then they had a new rhythm, one that included him sleeping in the spare room with the occasional Liam's bed after a particularly shaking nightmare. Then they would both go down to eat breakfast before Theo would drive Liam to school. Those were Theo's favourite mornings, when he would wake up in Liams embrace and cook breakfast for them, usually with Liam's parents gone early for work, leaving them alone in the bubble they had created.
That was now the norm for Theo, and it was something he didn't know he could want, or even crave. Now after a rough day he could look forward to the beta's embrace, and the warmth of an actual bed with a roof over his head, and food that wasn't stolen or scavenged. He began to feel like he could earn it, and it wouldn't be something that was so far out of his reach. That was most rough days. Some, however, were in deep contrast to the warmth the Beta provided, much like today.
It had been a cold day from the moment he had woken up, his limbs chilled and stiff. His head pounded and his legs ached. He woke up with a sense of dread, and a deep want to stay in bed instead of going to his two jobs. Theo had checked the clock, now seeing he had woken up way earlier than he would have wanted it. It only took a bit of thinking to feel the sweat all over and how his heart pounded hard against his ribs. A nightmare. It was the only explanation that would be all fine usually, he would leave the room and cuddle up to the beta, trying hard not to wake him and instead going only to seek some sort of comfort.
Unfortunately, that wasn't possible this morning because Liam was away at a lacrosse game, and would be gone the whole weekend. With Liam's mom going with him to support him and watch the games, and with Liam's stepdad working at the hospital pretty much nonstop, he was more or less home alone. Normally he wouldn't mind this is the slightest, but this time around he was craving some form of comfort and calm.
Normally Theo remembered his nightmares, enough to reflect on them and convince himself that they weren't real, but he couldn't remember a thing - only the faint smell of pain and blood, and the feeling of terror and guilt. Then, having to somehow disregard this overwhelming feeling, he had to get up and shower, and then get ready to head to work. He often worked early on the weekends, so he hustled out of bed and soon enough he was on the road. Even though he was mostly focused on work, a small part of his brain couldn't shake this morning, and it stayed with him all day, leaving him a little shaken and out of his normal zone of working.
On the drive home after a 10 hour shift, it was well into the night. Normally he wasn't working for that long but they were understaffed and he had to both come in early and stay late to cover for people. He was thoroughly exhausted and wanted nothing more than a hot shower and to cuddle with Liam for the rest of the weekend, yet he was once again greeted with an empty house and a cold atmosphere. He sighed heavily.
Coming to where he is now, frozen in place leaning against the wall of the kitchen, trying and failing to muster the strength to get up and go to bed. His feet were frozen to the spot, his mind going a mile a minute while his body slowly becomes more sluggish. After another minute of standing there, he manages to kick off the wall and slowly walk upstairs to the bathroom, trying to ignore the sway of his body and the pounding in his head. Theo didn't know supernatural's could get headaches, but then again he wasn't very normal for a supernatural, so he ignored that too.
After he somehow managed to take most of his clothes off leaving him in his black briefs, he turned on the shower to max heat and sat down on the floor with a sigh, feeling the room heat up. He brought his legs as close to his chest as he could and rested his forehead on his knees. They weight of the day and this morning came rushing back now that he was alone and could safely feel it.
Theo always hated feelings. Sometimes they could be good, he admitted, but most of the time they left him feeling heavy and miserable, and all he wanted to do was sob and tear his skin apart. Especially when it was triggered by something in his past. Sometimes he was lucky, and he simply felt numb, unable to feel or speak more than bland words at a time for days. Liam said it was him dissociating. Theo liked to think he was sinking. Sinking into somewhere deep and cold, where feelings weren't a thing and thoughts weren't his own and all his brain thought was the bare minimum. What's the answer to this question? This is what I need to clean. This is what I need to google. This is what I need to cook. I only have to do this and then I can sleep. Pain wasn't a thing when he was sinking.
Unfortunately Theo most definitely was not sinking right now, and this was clear by the anguish in his heart and the pain everywhere, the overwhelming sadness that made him want to slice his skin open until it was pale ribbons, red covering the floor. He liked that pain. The physical pain was easier to deal with than the mental, and it made him more in touch with his surroundings. Last time he was sinking he got ambushed by hunters he didn't even hear, and it took awhile to fight them off. He wasn't himself, so he preferred being in pain than sinking and being attacked by 10 hunters.
The to urge flick his claws out and draw them through his arms was so immersive, he almost felt sick. His brain was empty and quite asides from that one thought thrashing around in his head. He felt dizzy. The room filled with steam from the shower, adding to the dizziness. His head swayed around and any common sense left him. He couldn’t help it anymore. He had to.
The first cut hurt, like always. It brought him out of it for a second, and he just stared at it. It wasn't that deep, barely enough to bleed. He sat for a minute, just looking. Eventually the blood collected enough for a crimson bead to form, slowly sliding down his arm. An identical tear slid down his cheek, pooling in his lip until he licked it away. Theo closed his eyes gently, and his fingers found their way to his forearm from muscle memory alone.
The second one felt a little better, but the sting was just enough to force another tear from his eye, yet this one didn't collect on his lip, it fell onto his chest, a small, cold drop. Theo cracked open his eyes to wipe it away and observe his arm. There was another small trail of blood, and it looked like home. His arm ached, and the small cuts stung, but then his brain fell. He couldn't feel it anymore, and he became quickly acquainted with the feeling once more.
He knew these types of wounds, not only caused by himself but intertwined with deep emotions (even though he couldn't feel the emotions), and he liked them. Although they didn't stay and scar like normal humans, they did take longer to heal. Sometimes they healed for a week, until fading on his arm and Theo didn't have to prove to others that he was fine, they already believed it. That’s what drove him to make another opening, this one a little deeper and quicker to send red down his arm. This time a little dripped on his leg. It was only a drop, but it felt right. He preferred his blood outside his body when he was the one doing it.
Another slide. Another trail.
It was deeper again, almost as if a trend. Same with the next, deeper still.
Slide.
Trail.
Slide.
Trail.
The slick fluid collected under his claws, a little skin getting caught.
The next one was rough.
He pinched the skin and dragged his claw through fast, until it caught and ripped instead of cutting. He let out an almost inaudible whimper, looking at the ragged cut. It was beautiful to his eyes, the red all over his arms a deep contrast to his usual pale.
It looked right.
He couldn't stop.
The steam filled every breathe he took, he felt like he was suffocating with how heavy he was in the room. He felt like he couldn’t breath but every time he slid the claw through his skin more clean air entered his lungs. He was captivated, raking his claws across his forearm. He didn't stop until blood dripped from his claws and it turned icy cold on his finger tips. Then his eyes focused back in and he saw the damage. He couldn't see the flesh on his arms, only the wounds and the blood gushing from them. It ran everywhere, covering his respective hand and dripping profusely onto his legs, even to the floor.
He knew it was too much. He knew he had a problem.
He knew he couldn't stop. It was overwhelming.
He had to slice through himself again, it was the only thing keeping him from going insane.
Then the steam faded, enough leaving the open window and no more being produced as the water turned cold. His breathing eased, his lungs relaxed and he finally put his arm to rest. He crawled up the wall until he was standing again, grimacing as the red trailed down his body and pooled on the ground. He didn't remember the last time he went this far.
Theo walked into the shower, his body drained and leaning against the wall. It took all the effort he had to put his arm under the cold stream to clean it. He forced his body to relax and kept his arm under the water, even though it stung like a bitch. He let a whimper out, closing his eyes and letting the tears stream down unchecked, silently slipping down his face.
His head hurt. He was cold.
He didn’t leave the shower until the bleeding stopped, and his body was freezing.
He let out a small groan, turning off the water and wrapping a towel around his waist. It was useless, because he was the only one home. But he did it anyway. Even if to pretend he wasn't completely isolated. He walked the short distance to the spare room, his room, Liam called it. He didn't always think that way. Liam had done a lot for him, but he still sometimes thought it was just another burden for Liam's family.
He closed the door, welcoming the familiar room and the slight warmth. He went straight to his wardrobe and took out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, pulling them on slowly before practically collapsing in his bed. His arm rubbed against the blanket, the sting making a cut bleed slightly. He sighed and maneuvered around to lay on his back and with his forearm up to keep it from rubbing against anything.
It didn't take long for him to sleep. Today was exhausting, and he didn't have energy to check him phone, nothing more than to fall asleep. So he did, passing out on the bed, eye bags deep and arm glaring red.
If he did check his phone, he would’ve found out that Liam had tried call him three times, before resorting to text. He would’ve found out that the beta could somehow sense that something was wrong and was trying to call to check up on him. Because Liam knew.
He knew that Theo had attachment issues and hated being apart from Liam for too long. Liam knew that Theo self harmed sometimes. He knew how to sense misery through their connection, through the fact that they were mates and sometimes were joined as one. Liam knew something happened.
Theo slept, still cold, still hurting. He missed Liam. Liam knew.
If he had been awake, or even woken up earlier, he would have known that Liam was coming home earlier than planned, due to weather up where he was playing. He would know that in the morning, Liam would find the blood in the bathroom, smell the sadness and the pain, smell the blood on the chimera. Liam would go to Theo, trying not to wake him but needing to make sure he was okay.
Theo might not have been surprised in the morning, not been awakened by a teary eyed Beta hugging against his chest. But he was.
He slept. His head hurt.
He was cold