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[INBOX] 1 UNREAD MESSAGE
Ker, hey…
Fuck, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know if I’m gonna send you this, if I even have the right to do so… so I will start by saying you don’t need to reply if you don’t want to, alright? Like, seriously. I will completely understand, you don’t have to feel like you owe me anything, k? I don’t know why you would even think that, but-
…you know what? Forget it.
Let me start again:
Hi, Kerry.
I am so sorry about not giving you a word about what was really happening. I know you probably wondered countless times in these 2 years why I never told you, why I said I was gonna be gone for a month and simply disappeared all this time. Fuck, it must have been so hard for you… if it was me in your place, I…
The truth is I wasn’t allowed to say a thing. I’m sure you remember I was involved with the FIA and politics - considering how many times I heard the “I don’t want you in Dogtown, it’s too dangerous” speech from you. Well, at least I hope you remember, after all this time… never mind. Where was I again? Ah, yes, FIA.
Turns out Dogtown was no problem to a stray like me; and by the end of it all I was offered a cure. This FIA agent, a... friend, was able to hook me up with the best of the best, all the way from Europe. Doctors that knew how to save me, promised my life back. All I had to do was go through a complicated surgery, stay here for about a month and… and wipe Johnny.
Fuck Ker, I’m so sorry about Johnny.
I’ve killed him. After everything he’s done for me… after he saved my fucking life...
There won’t be a day I won’t think of him, be grateful for him - mourn him. Fuck, if I even am able to feel this pain right now is because he saved me enough times to allow me to.
Fuck, I… need a moment.
Can’t help but think of how torturing it must have been for you, all this time not knowing what happened, wondering if I was dead and then having to accept that I was. The pain that must have caused you… I’m so sorry. If there was any way for me to know, I-
I should have told you anyway, shouldn’t I?
Fuck the FIA, fuck orders. Why the fuck did I fold so easily?
But Ker, I thought… I really fucking thought I would just be out for a few days, away for no more than 30; and then I would be back with you, cured this time! I-
I didn’t know…
Didn’t have the opportunity to tell you how good it is to see you back on tour. I’ve heard Europe is nothing like NC, so I assume it must be pretty nice over there. You seem pretty busy; happy too. Makes me smile to see you back in your element, you know? Making the world remember your name under bright lights, not fearing the darkness will swallow you.
Remember our talk on the rooftop? When you asked me if I could make the shadows disappear? Turns out you didn’t need me to - or anyone for that matter! Or maybe… have you… been seeing anyone? Not that you shouldn’t be, it’s just(nope not good delete on review)
Well, thing is it is great to see you doing well; looking good too!
I miss you.
Fuck it, I’ll just say it, alright? I fucking miss you. To me if feels like I saw you last week and I still fucking miss you, more than anything else I actually missed during these 2 years. I wasn’t there for the N54 rave - and probably many others, I wasn’t there to congratulate you on your success, to lift you up on a tight hug when your tour was announced, to remind you I always knew the world would be yours… to give you a good night’s kiss - and then a good morning one… to share life with you, good and bad and over whatever path it took… and the fact you decided to even talk to me after all this time apart, it’s just…
Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to hear your voice and seeing your face. Thank you for reading this - assuming I had the balls to impulsively press the “send” button that seems so threatening right now. The world has moved on without me - things are different, people have changed. Maybe looking at you and feeling my heart flutter like it always did is something meant for the past now… just like I am.
Either way, thank you.
And I’m sorry.
Fuck… maybe this will be easier to send while staring at an empty bottle of whiskey.